A gift for Dale (part one of two)
A Day to Remember~
by Fernanda
A Day to Remember Part 1 of 2
For Dale-
A DAY TO REMEMBER
That day will stay with me...beyond my death.
It was my return, the farewell to my long agony. I would
triumphantly come back and face my destiny. I was tense. I was coming back. Being a policeman - although I'd never ceased to be one - meant being back to my life, taking back the reins, the control... reconnecting with my own body and having my will back again, so many times outraged in these rough years.
Dave Starsky returning to his life as Detective Starsky.
My life, and making decisions on my own...
A year and a half after that fateful and fatal May morning, my weirdest year, even last Christmas was a blank in my memory, Dave Starsky would return.
Because…where have I been all this time?
Removed from my life, exiled to death. I felt like I was a mere spectator, I felt lost... as if I was just using a body, barely occupying a space.
All those moments were gone and wasted. I felt lost on my own, seeking to hold on to something that was recognizable to me, something that I could grasp that didn’t escape or disappear... my life, so useless…
Perhaps a constant presence. Hutch, onto whom I could attach, just to go on.
If only...
Because the days merged into the nights, and I could only sleep. I was sleeping most of the time. The body needed healing, and my weak energy was directed to that. I felt like a hindrance, a parasite, a vampire sucking the blood of others, "the others" who were really out there, living in the real world I no longer belonged in. I felt like I was dead.
My life was a dream. A poet wrote it? But the pain was real, and there was so much pain.
So how to hide it, forget it? Start again, deal the good cards. Leave the worst behind.
I wanted so desperately to open my eyes. I couldn’t.
Where was I? Who are they? Who am I? Where’s my life?
I needed to find somebody recognizable, familiar, who needed my return.
That, after all - I knew - would be what would bring me back and allow me to rebuild myself. So I could be again and exist.
Until it happened…
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hutch’s voice came softly to my ears, and echoed loudly within my soul…and with it came the reassurance that, stubborn and unalterable, something... someone - besides me or what was left of me - expected me to come back out there.
For the very first time, I opened my eyes.
Patient, industrious, unconditional, tenacious... He was expecting me!
Hutch!
He was there all the time.
Hutch!
My anchor, my refuge.
Hutch!
He would go with me to Metro. Together.
The night before my return, a long waiting vigil. A silent game… just like the night after the shooting.
Finally, the doctors gave me a date when I could return to work. December the 22nd, 1980. More than a year and a half beyond the tears, the pain, the terror and the uncertainty, the loss and desire... Even death itself had occurred during that year and a half.
December the 22nd, 1980 was a Monday, the day that will remain in me beyond my death!
The previous weekend, I could hardly put up with myself, the weight of my own body, my new doubts and my old fears. Tremendous anxiety overtook me. One thousand questions rolled in my head. Could I be the same again?
Hutch called me that Friday night. He was worried. He tried to distract me and invited me to play pool at Huggy’s... maybe go to the movies to watch a Lugosi marathon (Oh yeah, when it comes to me, there’s no sacrifice too big for Hutch. My partner!)
I actually couldn’t, just couldn’t. I didn’t want to risk even an evening out. I wanted Monday to arrive. I was determined to clear everyone and everything out of its way.
The threatening paranoia that the unexpected would frustrate again -once again - my attempt, whirled into my mind like a roller coaster. Over and over again, my previous failures. So many.
Those first six months were spent fighting just to exist, being confined in that hospital room, the body motionless, the muscles stiff, and my brain barely working. I came home to begin the slow and painful recovery.
Then the dizziness began, a whirlpool of facts and denials that infuriated me and pulsed my blood through my veins. The desolated look of Hutch’s anxiety, his thrill... so eager to achieve it and finally having me coming back. Six months of alienating and intense physical and psychological therapy deposited me at the gates of return.
But despite the enormous enthusiasm we had, six months and three more unsuccessful attempts to return had to happen, and with every single failure, frustration invaded Hutch and me. No matter how hard I tried, the medical board would not sign off on my recovery.
The doctors were scared, and they scared me... and despite the progress I had made, the prayers I had prayed, and the Gods I had begged... the doctors systematically denied me the possibility of getting back on the force.
Until one day, it happened.
Finally, the doctors set a date. Cleared.
I was declared fit for active duty - the miracle patient - on December the 15th, exactly one year and seven months after the murder attempt. December the 22nd would be the day of my return. Fate was finally defeated. Nobody would oppose it this time.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was distracted that Saturday night, zoning out… my awareness was silently leaving my mind, yet I felt like a king expectantly awaiting his enthronement.
I felt like a rookie again, as if I were leaving the Academy.
Dave Starsky was coming back. Detective First Class, Sergeant David Michael Starsky was coming back. Could he?
The phone rang on Saturday night. The protection, the understanding and the unconditional love of my amigo permeated everything, filling in all the spaces. Listening to him, I could hear his concern, his expectant happiness, and at the same time, his fear. (My poor dearest Hutch, he had never been able to completely banish the idea that he should have prevented the shooting, and felt responsible for not having protected me.)
Hutch! My constant. My friend. What more than that?
We were so eager to get back to working together. Cruising in the Torino, walking the streets, chasing cars, solving cases, teasing each other while sipping coffee and joking about him eating butterfly bones. Just like it used to be.
Our crusades!
"I’m in front of Rafallo´s," Hutch said. "I was wondering if you’d like a special teleggio, gorgonzola and parmesan pizza... maybe with anchovies and extra sauce?"
"Hutch, really. Thank you, but I want to be alone tonight and tomorrow. I need..."
"But it’s all good? Are you OK, gordo?" His concern came across the phone line. "Does something hurt or is something bugging you?"
"Blintz! There are a thousand things that worry me, compadre. I’m afraid…I'm scared." I felt as if I stuck a dagger into Hutch’s throat and left him breathless. "I’m sorry, Hutch. I know I’ll cope. Just need some time alone, that’s all…"
"Starsk..."
"Please." I interrupted him.
Silence. He exhaled. I did. Silence.
I wanted to tell him that everything should remain unchanged, fearing that any deliberate intervention, any committed act would change the course of things, their nature. The destiny or the doctors or whoever it was had chosen this date for my return. I just needed to regroup myself and wait, motionless, inert and inexorable. Let the calendar’s sheets fall until Monday. Blessed day!
After all, I had waited for so long!
"Starsk, it’s less than 48 hours until it happens. Nothing will prevent it this time, partner. You don’t need to put yourself into a freezer, like Walt Disney did. Nothing’s going to stop it this time. This time it will finally happen."
This is my Hutch, I thought. Our incredible communication is still intact. He knew without me saying a word exactly what was happening to me. My partner.
"Yeah, buddy, I know. But I need to be absolutely convinced about it... to finish the healing."
Finally, the understanding!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
On Sunday, it went the same way. Only the wail of a distant siren shook the drowsiness of that most peaceful day, killing the dull silence.
I got up in the late morning. I didn’t even get dressed. A pair of wool socks and a sweatshirt over my pajama pants were enough to warm my chills.
I wasn’t even hungry, my mind purely focused on the initiation time. Monday, December the 22nd, 1980. Detective First Class, Sergeant David Michael Starsky reenters his Kingdom. He is entering Metro.
Detective Dave Starsky is teasing and joking. Greeting his fellow officers.
He is sitting in his chair, candy bar in hand, legs on the desk, answering the phone, flirting with Minnie.
The window in the squad room door has been shattered.
Dave Starsky has closed it with a kick without using his hands. As usual.
Dobey is shouting. Angry. Irritated.
Detective First Class, Sergeant Dave Starsky has finally come back.
A mischievous smile settled on my face. Constantly watching the flames consuming wood in the fireplace, I could not tell how many hours I’d been lost in my memories, and suddenly…
The realization!
I stood up. I opened the refrigerator. Just a few not-so-tempting leftovers were decorating the shelves. (I laughed, recalling last night’s conversation with Hutch. I would have risked my return now, just to see the Rafallo’s box full of pizza in the fridge)
For the first time in a century, I thought, I was so hungry!
All my senses were newly installed, and I felt so alive again. Power was slowly refilling my body. Conquering me. The wait had come to an end, and with it, my self-confidence returned.
Dave Starsky was the owner of his own being. He was at his center.
I poured myself some coffee. It had been a long time since I'd had a cup of the policeman's elixir. The doctors had forbidden it to me because of my condition. Oh well, that’s not the only thing they’d forbidden. I embraced the cup with my hands and took a couple of sips, sweetening and warming myself and my soul at the same time.
Then, I called Hutch. I was fully in charge again.
"Hi! You’ll wait for me tomorrow? I’ll pick you up at about 7:30 in the morning, as usual."
"But, Starsk, I thought I would pick you up tomorrow, since it’s the first day."
"Hey, boy! Let this be like any other day. At the usual time, your place, my car, me and thee... remember? Like always."
I could go to bed relaxed, resting for the first time in a long, long time. The day had finally come.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The alarm sounded just once. The rapture, latent for so long, drove me out of bed like a bizarre Jack-in-the-box. I took a shower, hot blood... I shivered. The cold water slid down my scarred body and I barely had the strength to hold the soap in my hands.
It was still there…the panic.
Would the water drown all the panic I felt? Wash away the past? Suddenly, I broke into tears. My tears mingled with the water in the tub and I was wrapped in an uncontrollable spasm, hugged by the greatest storm of fearful feelings I’ve ever had.
Had I have become some sort of a coward and not even noticed?
NO!
Emotion! It was emotion. That was it... it wasn’t fear! A hundred million battles won had proved that I wasn’t any coward. What a brave man I am!
The tears turned into a nervous, uncontrolled laughter. I wanted to scream, and I did. From that moment on, I decided I’d never deprive myself of doing whatever I wanted to when I wanted to, just let myself go.
Life could surprise you in many different ways. I had to take every chance each time. If that could be possible. That is what I had learned!
Absorbed in my thoughts, the roller coaster of my feelings vanished and died in laughter, relief and certainty. The day had arrived, and I should feel like my old self: complete, reinvigorated to win this new race.
I turned off the water, wrapped myself in my blue robe, and grabbed the sink, clutching the sides with both hands, and looked up at myself in the mirror. My reflected image. Standing tall again.
The scars still pulled a little, a prudent reminder every time I moved…and barely drew behind my body hair.
Detective First Class, Sergeant Dave Starsky was back. This day I will remember even beyond my death.
I realized I had no plan. I had been so eager to come back that I hadn’t taken the time to think how to do it again. I hadn’t planned what to do, how to behave when I caught up with Hutch and we entered the precinct together. I hadn’t planned what to do when we’d have to go outside and lean on a snitch, or run down an alley, ducking unpredictable gunfire. My gun, the bullets... the back-up.
What if I just let things flow? What if...? I laughed to myself. This is another thing I had learned, there are uncountable "what if...” questions you couldn’t anticipate.
I knew it was no use making plans; life could always surprise you in the last thought. My new certainty!
When I had recognized myself and remembered the man I used to be, when I realized that despite everything, I was the same guy behind those wounds, no matter what had happened during this time; I went to the closet to get my clothes.
Today would be a very special day!
Scavenging among the shoe boxes, I found the old blue striped Adidas. I had never discarded them. I put on red socks, a black tee and a blue workman’s shirt. I climbed a stool to reach the top shelf and pulled out a box with the old wool Mexican sweater.
Amazingly, everything was intact. A sign!
Dave Starsky was back, and I knew that there was no better way to return.
I opened the front door.
Delicious as divine nectar, like a cold breeze, the morning air caught me off guard, intoxicating me. Like a supernatural being in the beginning of the new day.
I got in the car and started the engine. The Torino roared with life, as if time hadn’t passed, and I went to look for my partner.
Oh, Hutch!
When Hutch saw me standing there for the first time in almost two years! His expression won’t ever be erased from my mind. The look on Hutch’s face when he opened that door… We didn’t need words. The emotions flowed between us, thicker and thicker. I bit my lip to keep the tears back. Hutch wanted to talk and couldn’t. He coughed. He stammered something. He babbled. What was that noise? He was excited. We both cried. Our arms reached out, sealing in one tight, wet embrace our everlasting friendship.
Was it going to be like this all day? From tears to laughter the whole damn day? I’m afraid so.
We rode in the Torino, with smiles on our faces. The horizon ahead, infinite... and all of time at our disposal. The morning was cold but sunny, the sky was blue, and Christmas’s cinnamon spirit was pervading everything. Our sweetest plans ahead. We had irreverently returned to the streets, facing our fierce old ghosts. Challenging our destiny! We didn’t say a word, our presence so full and strong, side-by-side, filling everything. The two of us complete again.
And invincible.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
All my brother cops were waiting for me. The squad room had been decorated for the occasion with garlands and balloons.
A sign announced my arrival. WELCOME STARSKY. It was full of stripes and stars, and signed by everybody who was there. Even mistletoe hung over my desk. They knew I was a Christmas junkie, and I guess Minnie wanted to kiss me.
She had baked my favorite cake too, the world famous Chocolate Chip Banana Cake, and Huggy had sent goodies from his restaurant to celebrate.
It was a party. It was the 22nd day of December 1980; a day that I will remember beyond my death.
As the day went on and the excitement faded, the squad room slowly returned to its previous appearance, everybody back to their normal duties.
I sat at my desk. I leaned my head on my right hand and raised my eyes. Lost in my thoughts. For a moment, I thought I saw the cloths covering the furniture and smelled the paint... time stood still as if nothing had really happened. All stuck on my last day here.
Hutch piled a stack of files on my desk so that we could get to work immediately, and then disappeared. I started reading the crime records. Terrific. The offense never rested; the murderers, the rapists and the dealers hadn’t been suspended in time waiting for me to bust them.
Something was always happening out there, and I abruptly realized today wouldn’t be the exception.
Dobey burst into the office wrapped in anger…
Old habit.
I thought Dobey didn’t even realize that I was there, because I was hidden behind the files. It all seemed so normal.
Hutch had gone to Personnel to sign some papers related to my return, the renewal of him as next of kin.
Park and Evans were sitting at their desks, next to ours, and Paganin was sitting on the table, feet on a chair, charming his latest conquest on the phone. Even though I hadn’t been here in over a year, Hutch had told me that the rookie Paganin reminded him of me. I smiled; he wasn’t mistaken.
Dobey´s shouts finally got through to me. "You hear me? There’s a hostage situation at Figueroa and Fourth. The Bonaventure Hotel. The FBI says they are terrorists. There’s a nuclear engineer convention over there, and an Israeli Minister, one Daniel Edelstein, was to be attending, but when he approached the hotel, he was kidnapped by a group of unknown terrorists. Apparently, they want to negotiate with the Israeli government for the nuclear info in exchange for the Minister’s life."
"Arabs?" Park asked worriedly.
"Maybe. They just don’t know, there wasn’t any formal declaration, yet. The FBI contacted the Commissioner. A SWAT team is on the spot and two more are due to arrive. Detective Meredith and two units are there, but the situation is overflowing and they need reinforcements," Dobey said, concerned.
I couldn’t help looking down so I wouldn't take over. I couldn’t help being afraid. I was so nervous.
Hutch?
I realized that it didn’t matter how I felt: Park, Evans, and Paganin were expecting me to say or do something. After all, the legendary Detective Dave Starsky was back.
My legend. Real life was trying to tarnish the legend. But it didn’t get me yet. I was there; I was still there waiting for the Detective Sergeant to show up. Both my fears and Dobey's kept lingering in the room. Like we knew… We really knew.
I felt his eyes on me while I was picking up my pieces. He waited.
Bay City had decided to organize its own welcoming party. Finally at home.
A fist hit the desk; the Captain came to my rescue. Dobey brought us all to attention. All of us suspended on the limb we’d climbed onto, awaiting each other’s reaction.
Another waiting game. Real life was shuddering.
Real life stinks.
"Where’s your partner?" Dobey asked.
“He went to the Personnel office to sign some papers. He’ll be back soon..." I started to clean my desk. I was so nervous. I tried to go on. "Cap’n, what’s next?"
"Park, Evans, and Paganin, go to the Bonaventure. Catch up with Meredith and Sullivan. Be sure to close the area. Cordon it off. Do surveillance. I don’t want a single civilian involved. That’s our sole interest. We have to protect our citizens. Don’t mess with the hostage situation. Don’t get involved." He paused. "Starsky and Hutchinson, you’ll support the SWAT team. A van will be waiting for you at Figueroa and Fifth, a block away. Lt. Vazquez, I guess, is in charge."
He paused again, and stared at me. "You take care, son." Then, "Come on, now!" he said while clapping both hands to the others.
I felt staked to the ground. Immobile. I began to close some files.
Dobey went by me on the way to his office. I took his arm, looked straight into his eyes. "Thanks Cap’n!” I said.
He nodded.
by Fernanda
A Day to Remember Part 1 of 2
For Dale-
A DAY TO REMEMBER
That day will stay with me...beyond my death.
It was my return, the farewell to my long agony. I would
triumphantly come back and face my destiny. I was tense. I was coming back. Being a policeman - although I'd never ceased to be one - meant being back to my life, taking back the reins, the control... reconnecting with my own body and having my will back again, so many times outraged in these rough years.
Dave Starsky returning to his life as Detective Starsky.
My life, and making decisions on my own...
A year and a half after that fateful and fatal May morning, my weirdest year, even last Christmas was a blank in my memory, Dave Starsky would return.
Because…where have I been all this time?
Removed from my life, exiled to death. I felt like I was a mere spectator, I felt lost... as if I was just using a body, barely occupying a space.
All those moments were gone and wasted. I felt lost on my own, seeking to hold on to something that was recognizable to me, something that I could grasp that didn’t escape or disappear... my life, so useless…
Perhaps a constant presence. Hutch, onto whom I could attach, just to go on.
If only...
Because the days merged into the nights, and I could only sleep. I was sleeping most of the time. The body needed healing, and my weak energy was directed to that. I felt like a hindrance, a parasite, a vampire sucking the blood of others, "the others" who were really out there, living in the real world I no longer belonged in. I felt like I was dead.
My life was a dream. A poet wrote it? But the pain was real, and there was so much pain.
So how to hide it, forget it? Start again, deal the good cards. Leave the worst behind.
I wanted so desperately to open my eyes. I couldn’t.
Where was I? Who are they? Who am I? Where’s my life?
I needed to find somebody recognizable, familiar, who needed my return.
That, after all - I knew - would be what would bring me back and allow me to rebuild myself. So I could be again and exist.
Until it happened…
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hutch’s voice came softly to my ears, and echoed loudly within my soul…and with it came the reassurance that, stubborn and unalterable, something... someone - besides me or what was left of me - expected me to come back out there.
For the very first time, I opened my eyes.
Patient, industrious, unconditional, tenacious... He was expecting me!
Hutch!
He was there all the time.
Hutch!
My anchor, my refuge.
Hutch!
He would go with me to Metro. Together.
The night before my return, a long waiting vigil. A silent game… just like the night after the shooting.
Finally, the doctors gave me a date when I could return to work. December the 22nd, 1980. More than a year and a half beyond the tears, the pain, the terror and the uncertainty, the loss and desire... Even death itself had occurred during that year and a half.
December the 22nd, 1980 was a Monday, the day that will remain in me beyond my death!
The previous weekend, I could hardly put up with myself, the weight of my own body, my new doubts and my old fears. Tremendous anxiety overtook me. One thousand questions rolled in my head. Could I be the same again?
Hutch called me that Friday night. He was worried. He tried to distract me and invited me to play pool at Huggy’s... maybe go to the movies to watch a Lugosi marathon (Oh yeah, when it comes to me, there’s no sacrifice too big for Hutch. My partner!)
I actually couldn’t, just couldn’t. I didn’t want to risk even an evening out. I wanted Monday to arrive. I was determined to clear everyone and everything out of its way.
The threatening paranoia that the unexpected would frustrate again -once again - my attempt, whirled into my mind like a roller coaster. Over and over again, my previous failures. So many.
Those first six months were spent fighting just to exist, being confined in that hospital room, the body motionless, the muscles stiff, and my brain barely working. I came home to begin the slow and painful recovery.
Then the dizziness began, a whirlpool of facts and denials that infuriated me and pulsed my blood through my veins. The desolated look of Hutch’s anxiety, his thrill... so eager to achieve it and finally having me coming back. Six months of alienating and intense physical and psychological therapy deposited me at the gates of return.
But despite the enormous enthusiasm we had, six months and three more unsuccessful attempts to return had to happen, and with every single failure, frustration invaded Hutch and me. No matter how hard I tried, the medical board would not sign off on my recovery.
The doctors were scared, and they scared me... and despite the progress I had made, the prayers I had prayed, and the Gods I had begged... the doctors systematically denied me the possibility of getting back on the force.
Until one day, it happened.
Finally, the doctors set a date. Cleared.
I was declared fit for active duty - the miracle patient - on December the 15th, exactly one year and seven months after the murder attempt. December the 22nd would be the day of my return. Fate was finally defeated. Nobody would oppose it this time.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was distracted that Saturday night, zoning out… my awareness was silently leaving my mind, yet I felt like a king expectantly awaiting his enthronement.
I felt like a rookie again, as if I were leaving the Academy.
Dave Starsky was coming back. Detective First Class, Sergeant David Michael Starsky was coming back. Could he?
The phone rang on Saturday night. The protection, the understanding and the unconditional love of my amigo permeated everything, filling in all the spaces. Listening to him, I could hear his concern, his expectant happiness, and at the same time, his fear. (My poor dearest Hutch, he had never been able to completely banish the idea that he should have prevented the shooting, and felt responsible for not having protected me.)
Hutch! My constant. My friend. What more than that?
We were so eager to get back to working together. Cruising in the Torino, walking the streets, chasing cars, solving cases, teasing each other while sipping coffee and joking about him eating butterfly bones. Just like it used to be.
Our crusades!
"I’m in front of Rafallo´s," Hutch said. "I was wondering if you’d like a special teleggio, gorgonzola and parmesan pizza... maybe with anchovies and extra sauce?"
"Hutch, really. Thank you, but I want to be alone tonight and tomorrow. I need..."
"But it’s all good? Are you OK, gordo?" His concern came across the phone line. "Does something hurt or is something bugging you?"
"Blintz! There are a thousand things that worry me, compadre. I’m afraid…I'm scared." I felt as if I stuck a dagger into Hutch’s throat and left him breathless. "I’m sorry, Hutch. I know I’ll cope. Just need some time alone, that’s all…"
"Starsk..."
"Please." I interrupted him.
Silence. He exhaled. I did. Silence.
I wanted to tell him that everything should remain unchanged, fearing that any deliberate intervention, any committed act would change the course of things, their nature. The destiny or the doctors or whoever it was had chosen this date for my return. I just needed to regroup myself and wait, motionless, inert and inexorable. Let the calendar’s sheets fall until Monday. Blessed day!
After all, I had waited for so long!
"Starsk, it’s less than 48 hours until it happens. Nothing will prevent it this time, partner. You don’t need to put yourself into a freezer, like Walt Disney did. Nothing’s going to stop it this time. This time it will finally happen."
This is my Hutch, I thought. Our incredible communication is still intact. He knew without me saying a word exactly what was happening to me. My partner.
"Yeah, buddy, I know. But I need to be absolutely convinced about it... to finish the healing."
Finally, the understanding!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
On Sunday, it went the same way. Only the wail of a distant siren shook the drowsiness of that most peaceful day, killing the dull silence.
I got up in the late morning. I didn’t even get dressed. A pair of wool socks and a sweatshirt over my pajama pants were enough to warm my chills.
I wasn’t even hungry, my mind purely focused on the initiation time. Monday, December the 22nd, 1980. Detective First Class, Sergeant David Michael Starsky reenters his Kingdom. He is entering Metro.
Detective Dave Starsky is teasing and joking. Greeting his fellow officers.
He is sitting in his chair, candy bar in hand, legs on the desk, answering the phone, flirting with Minnie.
The window in the squad room door has been shattered.
Dave Starsky has closed it with a kick without using his hands. As usual.
Dobey is shouting. Angry. Irritated.
Detective First Class, Sergeant Dave Starsky has finally come back.
A mischievous smile settled on my face. Constantly watching the flames consuming wood in the fireplace, I could not tell how many hours I’d been lost in my memories, and suddenly…
The realization!
I stood up. I opened the refrigerator. Just a few not-so-tempting leftovers were decorating the shelves. (I laughed, recalling last night’s conversation with Hutch. I would have risked my return now, just to see the Rafallo’s box full of pizza in the fridge)
For the first time in a century, I thought, I was so hungry!
All my senses were newly installed, and I felt so alive again. Power was slowly refilling my body. Conquering me. The wait had come to an end, and with it, my self-confidence returned.
Dave Starsky was the owner of his own being. He was at his center.
I poured myself some coffee. It had been a long time since I'd had a cup of the policeman's elixir. The doctors had forbidden it to me because of my condition. Oh well, that’s not the only thing they’d forbidden. I embraced the cup with my hands and took a couple of sips, sweetening and warming myself and my soul at the same time.
Then, I called Hutch. I was fully in charge again.
"Hi! You’ll wait for me tomorrow? I’ll pick you up at about 7:30 in the morning, as usual."
"But, Starsk, I thought I would pick you up tomorrow, since it’s the first day."
"Hey, boy! Let this be like any other day. At the usual time, your place, my car, me and thee... remember? Like always."
I could go to bed relaxed, resting for the first time in a long, long time. The day had finally come.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The alarm sounded just once. The rapture, latent for so long, drove me out of bed like a bizarre Jack-in-the-box. I took a shower, hot blood... I shivered. The cold water slid down my scarred body and I barely had the strength to hold the soap in my hands.
It was still there…the panic.
Would the water drown all the panic I felt? Wash away the past? Suddenly, I broke into tears. My tears mingled with the water in the tub and I was wrapped in an uncontrollable spasm, hugged by the greatest storm of fearful feelings I’ve ever had.
Had I have become some sort of a coward and not even noticed?
NO!
Emotion! It was emotion. That was it... it wasn’t fear! A hundred million battles won had proved that I wasn’t any coward. What a brave man I am!
The tears turned into a nervous, uncontrolled laughter. I wanted to scream, and I did. From that moment on, I decided I’d never deprive myself of doing whatever I wanted to when I wanted to, just let myself go.
Life could surprise you in many different ways. I had to take every chance each time. If that could be possible. That is what I had learned!
Absorbed in my thoughts, the roller coaster of my feelings vanished and died in laughter, relief and certainty. The day had arrived, and I should feel like my old self: complete, reinvigorated to win this new race.
I turned off the water, wrapped myself in my blue robe, and grabbed the sink, clutching the sides with both hands, and looked up at myself in the mirror. My reflected image. Standing tall again.
The scars still pulled a little, a prudent reminder every time I moved…and barely drew behind my body hair.
Detective First Class, Sergeant Dave Starsky was back. This day I will remember even beyond my death.
I realized I had no plan. I had been so eager to come back that I hadn’t taken the time to think how to do it again. I hadn’t planned what to do, how to behave when I caught up with Hutch and we entered the precinct together. I hadn’t planned what to do when we’d have to go outside and lean on a snitch, or run down an alley, ducking unpredictable gunfire. My gun, the bullets... the back-up.
What if I just let things flow? What if...? I laughed to myself. This is another thing I had learned, there are uncountable "what if...” questions you couldn’t anticipate.
I knew it was no use making plans; life could always surprise you in the last thought. My new certainty!
When I had recognized myself and remembered the man I used to be, when I realized that despite everything, I was the same guy behind those wounds, no matter what had happened during this time; I went to the closet to get my clothes.
Today would be a very special day!
Scavenging among the shoe boxes, I found the old blue striped Adidas. I had never discarded them. I put on red socks, a black tee and a blue workman’s shirt. I climbed a stool to reach the top shelf and pulled out a box with the old wool Mexican sweater.
Amazingly, everything was intact. A sign!
Dave Starsky was back, and I knew that there was no better way to return.
I opened the front door.
Delicious as divine nectar, like a cold breeze, the morning air caught me off guard, intoxicating me. Like a supernatural being in the beginning of the new day.
I got in the car and started the engine. The Torino roared with life, as if time hadn’t passed, and I went to look for my partner.
Oh, Hutch!
When Hutch saw me standing there for the first time in almost two years! His expression won’t ever be erased from my mind. The look on Hutch’s face when he opened that door… We didn’t need words. The emotions flowed between us, thicker and thicker. I bit my lip to keep the tears back. Hutch wanted to talk and couldn’t. He coughed. He stammered something. He babbled. What was that noise? He was excited. We both cried. Our arms reached out, sealing in one tight, wet embrace our everlasting friendship.
Was it going to be like this all day? From tears to laughter the whole damn day? I’m afraid so.
We rode in the Torino, with smiles on our faces. The horizon ahead, infinite... and all of time at our disposal. The morning was cold but sunny, the sky was blue, and Christmas’s cinnamon spirit was pervading everything. Our sweetest plans ahead. We had irreverently returned to the streets, facing our fierce old ghosts. Challenging our destiny! We didn’t say a word, our presence so full and strong, side-by-side, filling everything. The two of us complete again.
And invincible.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
All my brother cops were waiting for me. The squad room had been decorated for the occasion with garlands and balloons.
A sign announced my arrival. WELCOME STARSKY. It was full of stripes and stars, and signed by everybody who was there. Even mistletoe hung over my desk. They knew I was a Christmas junkie, and I guess Minnie wanted to kiss me.
She had baked my favorite cake too, the world famous Chocolate Chip Banana Cake, and Huggy had sent goodies from his restaurant to celebrate.
It was a party. It was the 22nd day of December 1980; a day that I will remember beyond my death.
As the day went on and the excitement faded, the squad room slowly returned to its previous appearance, everybody back to their normal duties.
I sat at my desk. I leaned my head on my right hand and raised my eyes. Lost in my thoughts. For a moment, I thought I saw the cloths covering the furniture and smelled the paint... time stood still as if nothing had really happened. All stuck on my last day here.
Hutch piled a stack of files on my desk so that we could get to work immediately, and then disappeared. I started reading the crime records. Terrific. The offense never rested; the murderers, the rapists and the dealers hadn’t been suspended in time waiting for me to bust them.
Something was always happening out there, and I abruptly realized today wouldn’t be the exception.
Dobey burst into the office wrapped in anger…
Old habit.
I thought Dobey didn’t even realize that I was there, because I was hidden behind the files. It all seemed so normal.
Hutch had gone to Personnel to sign some papers related to my return, the renewal of him as next of kin.
Park and Evans were sitting at their desks, next to ours, and Paganin was sitting on the table, feet on a chair, charming his latest conquest on the phone. Even though I hadn’t been here in over a year, Hutch had told me that the rookie Paganin reminded him of me. I smiled; he wasn’t mistaken.
Dobey´s shouts finally got through to me. "You hear me? There’s a hostage situation at Figueroa and Fourth. The Bonaventure Hotel. The FBI says they are terrorists. There’s a nuclear engineer convention over there, and an Israeli Minister, one Daniel Edelstein, was to be attending, but when he approached the hotel, he was kidnapped by a group of unknown terrorists. Apparently, they want to negotiate with the Israeli government for the nuclear info in exchange for the Minister’s life."
"Arabs?" Park asked worriedly.
"Maybe. They just don’t know, there wasn’t any formal declaration, yet. The FBI contacted the Commissioner. A SWAT team is on the spot and two more are due to arrive. Detective Meredith and two units are there, but the situation is overflowing and they need reinforcements," Dobey said, concerned.
I couldn’t help looking down so I wouldn't take over. I couldn’t help being afraid. I was so nervous.
Hutch?
I realized that it didn’t matter how I felt: Park, Evans, and Paganin were expecting me to say or do something. After all, the legendary Detective Dave Starsky was back.
My legend. Real life was trying to tarnish the legend. But it didn’t get me yet. I was there; I was still there waiting for the Detective Sergeant to show up. Both my fears and Dobey's kept lingering in the room. Like we knew… We really knew.
I felt his eyes on me while I was picking up my pieces. He waited.
Bay City had decided to organize its own welcoming party. Finally at home.
A fist hit the desk; the Captain came to my rescue. Dobey brought us all to attention. All of us suspended on the limb we’d climbed onto, awaiting each other’s reaction.
Another waiting game. Real life was shuddering.
Real life stinks.
"Where’s your partner?" Dobey asked.
“He went to the Personnel office to sign some papers. He’ll be back soon..." I started to clean my desk. I was so nervous. I tried to go on. "Cap’n, what’s next?"
"Park, Evans, and Paganin, go to the Bonaventure. Catch up with Meredith and Sullivan. Be sure to close the area. Cordon it off. Do surveillance. I don’t want a single civilian involved. That’s our sole interest. We have to protect our citizens. Don’t mess with the hostage situation. Don’t get involved." He paused. "Starsky and Hutchinson, you’ll support the SWAT team. A van will be waiting for you at Figueroa and Fifth, a block away. Lt. Vazquez, I guess, is in charge."
He paused again, and stared at me. "You take care, son." Then, "Come on, now!" he said while clapping both hands to the others.
I felt staked to the ground. Immobile. I began to close some files.
Dobey went by me on the way to his office. I took his arm, looked straight into his eyes. "Thanks Cap’n!” I said.
He nodded.