R.I.P. Baby YaYa
When Heather and I talked about getting a pet from the shelter, I told her that one of my greatest fears of owning a pet is that I would get so attached, and then it would die. Although dying is a natural part of the life cycle, in my head I was thinking that it would save me from feeling the pain of grief.
Friday, July 20th 2007, I made the decision to put my baby YaYa to sleep. It started about three weeks ago when she stopped eating. I thought that it was because I was switching her kitten food to 1 year old food. I mixed a bit in with her kitten food...and she didn't eat. I put a bit of water in with her food...and she didn't eat. I put wet food down...and she didn't eat. Finally i just put all kitten food back down...and she still didn't eat. The strange thing is that when i put a treat down, she would eat it. It would take her some time, but she ate it up. And she was still drinking water.
So Michelle and I took her to the emergency vet last weekend to get her checked out. The vet said that she was in perfect health and that she might be a little stressed because Michelle was moving into my place. He said that sometimes cats get stressed and depressed when things change. He did mention that she had a bit of a fever, so they gave me some antibiotics to give her and this cat food that I would have to feed her through a syringe.
Last week wasn't the greatest. I felt pretty bad having to force feed her food and give her medication that she definitely did not like. I mean she hated the whole process, but she tolerated the food...when we went to put the medicine in her mouth...I'm pretty sure she was spitting it out! ha! Friday morning Michelle and I fed her and gave her medicine. And we went off about our days. Michelle just happened to be going out of town that day, so I took her to the airport. We had just commented the day before that we thought she was getting a lot better cause she was jumping all over things and jumping up right in front of our faces when we were watching tv...we lovingly called it the annoying stage cause she was like EVERYWHERE. LOL So although it was tough giving her food, we thought we were seeing good results.
After work I came home, and usually YaYa comes running to the door to welcome me home. But she didn't. Instead i saw her sitting close to the door and she kinda had this weird look in her eye. I put my stuff down and went over to look at her and she didn't even want me to pet her. I put my hand down in front of her face, and she didn't even smell it to recognize it was me. Her entire demeanor had changed since the morning. It was like night and day. When i called her name she didn't respond...like she usually does... She didn't even look up at me or look my direction. It was like it was difficult for her to do. The thing that really scared me was when she got up to go walk to the water dish...she walked slow...like she was in pain or something. When she got to the water dish, she just sat there and stared at the water. I sent a text message to Shelly to see if she could come have a look at her. Not cause she's a vet but because I know she's grown up with a lot of pets and i was hoping that she would be able to help me figure out what was going on.
So YaYa would slowly walk over to her water dish, stare at the water but she wouldn't drink it. Eventually i ended up putting her old water dish out to see if she would drink from that, but she wouldn't. It was like she really really wanted to drink, but she just didn't. I even tried to put some drops of water in her mouth or on her nose just to get her to lick it...but nothing. So by this time i was really nervous and Shelly had arrived. We had also noticed that her eyes were weepy and Shelly said that they were glossy as well. After trying to get her to eat on her own and we even tried to give her a treat...nothing.
With Shelly's advice, i stayed up with her for the majority of the night to keep an eye on her progress. Through out the night it was a lot of slow moving, or no movement at all. She would go over to the water and stare...she'd put her head down so close to the water, but she just wouldn't drink it. She stayed in the same two places all night. But early morning, I had already decided that i was going to take her to the vet. So i put her in the carrier and drove her over there. I had to wait outside for about 30 minutes cause the vet didn't open up till 8. So i sat there and talked to her. I opened up the box just to see how she was doing cause she made very little sound on the way to the vet. I went to pet her and she let out what was suppose to be a meow...but all that came out was a burst of wind with no voice. My heart dropped.
I took her in, took her out of the box and now both eyes were weepy and her nose looked like it had been bleeding...which wasn't like that last night. The nurse checked her out and didn't give any optimistic outcomes of what she was checking on. "she's lost a lot of weight...you said she's not eating or drinking...she sounds like she is in pain...why did they give you an antibiotic that is used for respiratory infections...you said she's been throwing up..." I guess it wasn't so much what she said but how she said it...her body language was speaking more than her words were. Then she said that i should get the Feline Leukemia test since i hadn't had it and then decided from there what to do next. So she took her back for the test, brought her back to me and said that she needed some love. I waited and I waited. The nurse came back in and said that the test was done, but she had to wait for the doctor to come in to tell me the results...which would be 20-30 minutes later.
After may calls to my Mom, Heather, my co-worker Lorrie and Shelly (who was now on her way to the vet to meet me-i had never taken YaYa to the vet by myself before) and a walk across the street to get some gum and some sprite to settle my stomach...the doctor came in to let me know the test results. He told me that YaYa tested positive for Feline Leukemia. He continued to explain that because she was so sick already and she had stopped eating and drinking that there really wasn't anything that could be done to help her get back to a healthy state. He said there were medicines, but he had never seen positive results from it. He also offered to hydrate her under the skin and give me medicine for to help her with the vomiting...but that may only give her a couple more days. Which meant that I would just be prolonging the inevitable...which was that she was going to die. So I had to make a decision whether or not i wanted to try all these treatments or put her to sleep that day. After much consulting with my mom, Heather and Shelly i decided that to keep her living for a couple extra days would be to satisfy my need for her to be around...and I knew in my heart that I did not want to remember her the way she had been the night before. I didn't want her to be in pain anymore...so there with YaYa, Shelly and the crying nurse, I signed the euthanasia papers.
They asked me if I wanted to stay and I originally said no. It was already hard enough that i had to make that decision, but it was going to be even tougher to watch her be put to sleep. Again in consulting with Shelly I decided that I was going to stay. Shelly really put it in perspective for me. She said that if YaYa were hers, she wouldn't want her to pass with a bunch of strangers in the room. That totally made sense to me. So the brought in a blanket, lay her down on it, shaved her little back leg we pet her head and the doctor administered the medicine. She let out a cry and the doctor listened to her heart. Just a few seconds later he said, "That's it, the heart beat has stopped." Both he and the nurse left the room to allow us to say our final goodbyes. I pet her, i let her know that I loved her and that I hoped she didn't haunt me...trying to force come type of smile through the tears. We sat there for a bit, remembering the happy YaYa times. I smoothed her fur down as she lay there lifeless, but seemingly out of pain. We stayed for a moment more, collected our things, left her carrier box on the table and we left the room.
She went peacefully and I am happy that I made the decision to stay in the room. The next step would be to go home and start cleaning things and just allow myself to feel all the emotions that were swimming around in the pit of my stomach.
I had seen this news story once where a Native American father spoke about his daughter that had just died in the war when it started to rain. He stopped telling his story and mentioned that in Native American culture, when it rains after someone has passed...it means that they are letting you know that they are okay. Yesterday after coming back from the vet it was pretty sunny. When i got closer to my house, it started to rain in just one part of the block. Thats when i knew that baby YaYa was okay. She's pain free, running around, jumping on things, eating and drinking all she wants.
My Mom said that one of her co-workers went out and got another cat after her cat had died. I don't think i'm quite ready for that yet. For now, I just want to remember the happy YaYa times and try not to feel so guilty about having to force feed her food and that yucky medicine the last week of her life.
Today I'm trying not to think about the time that I didn't pet her cause I was sleepy, or the times I closed her out of the room cause she would play with my feet under the blanket all night and I couldn't sleep, or the times that she would walk right next to me and i'd get upset with her cause i almost fell down the stairs... Today I remember her playing fetch, her cuddling with me, even her drooling LOL, her first day at home with me, how she looked after giving her a bath, her learning her name and coming when I called...
To my darling baby YaYa
Mama loves you pumpkin!
LoveLove
Friday, July 20th 2007, I made the decision to put my baby YaYa to sleep. It started about three weeks ago when she stopped eating. I thought that it was because I was switching her kitten food to 1 year old food. I mixed a bit in with her kitten food...and she didn't eat. I put a bit of water in with her food...and she didn't eat. I put wet food down...and she didn't eat. Finally i just put all kitten food back down...and she still didn't eat. The strange thing is that when i put a treat down, she would eat it. It would take her some time, but she ate it up. And she was still drinking water.
So Michelle and I took her to the emergency vet last weekend to get her checked out. The vet said that she was in perfect health and that she might be a little stressed because Michelle was moving into my place. He said that sometimes cats get stressed and depressed when things change. He did mention that she had a bit of a fever, so they gave me some antibiotics to give her and this cat food that I would have to feed her through a syringe.
Last week wasn't the greatest. I felt pretty bad having to force feed her food and give her medication that she definitely did not like. I mean she hated the whole process, but she tolerated the food...when we went to put the medicine in her mouth...I'm pretty sure she was spitting it out! ha! Friday morning Michelle and I fed her and gave her medicine. And we went off about our days. Michelle just happened to be going out of town that day, so I took her to the airport. We had just commented the day before that we thought she was getting a lot better cause she was jumping all over things and jumping up right in front of our faces when we were watching tv...we lovingly called it the annoying stage cause she was like EVERYWHERE. LOL So although it was tough giving her food, we thought we were seeing good results.
After work I came home, and usually YaYa comes running to the door to welcome me home. But she didn't. Instead i saw her sitting close to the door and she kinda had this weird look in her eye. I put my stuff down and went over to look at her and she didn't even want me to pet her. I put my hand down in front of her face, and she didn't even smell it to recognize it was me. Her entire demeanor had changed since the morning. It was like night and day. When i called her name she didn't respond...like she usually does... She didn't even look up at me or look my direction. It was like it was difficult for her to do. The thing that really scared me was when she got up to go walk to the water dish...she walked slow...like she was in pain or something. When she got to the water dish, she just sat there and stared at the water. I sent a text message to Shelly to see if she could come have a look at her. Not cause she's a vet but because I know she's grown up with a lot of pets and i was hoping that she would be able to help me figure out what was going on.
So YaYa would slowly walk over to her water dish, stare at the water but she wouldn't drink it. Eventually i ended up putting her old water dish out to see if she would drink from that, but she wouldn't. It was like she really really wanted to drink, but she just didn't. I even tried to put some drops of water in her mouth or on her nose just to get her to lick it...but nothing. So by this time i was really nervous and Shelly had arrived. We had also noticed that her eyes were weepy and Shelly said that they were glossy as well. After trying to get her to eat on her own and we even tried to give her a treat...nothing.
With Shelly's advice, i stayed up with her for the majority of the night to keep an eye on her progress. Through out the night it was a lot of slow moving, or no movement at all. She would go over to the water and stare...she'd put her head down so close to the water, but she just wouldn't drink it. She stayed in the same two places all night. But early morning, I had already decided that i was going to take her to the vet. So i put her in the carrier and drove her over there. I had to wait outside for about 30 minutes cause the vet didn't open up till 8. So i sat there and talked to her. I opened up the box just to see how she was doing cause she made very little sound on the way to the vet. I went to pet her and she let out what was suppose to be a meow...but all that came out was a burst of wind with no voice. My heart dropped.
I took her in, took her out of the box and now both eyes were weepy and her nose looked like it had been bleeding...which wasn't like that last night. The nurse checked her out and didn't give any optimistic outcomes of what she was checking on. "she's lost a lot of weight...you said she's not eating or drinking...she sounds like she is in pain...why did they give you an antibiotic that is used for respiratory infections...you said she's been throwing up..." I guess it wasn't so much what she said but how she said it...her body language was speaking more than her words were. Then she said that i should get the Feline Leukemia test since i hadn't had it and then decided from there what to do next. So she took her back for the test, brought her back to me and said that she needed some love. I waited and I waited. The nurse came back in and said that the test was done, but she had to wait for the doctor to come in to tell me the results...which would be 20-30 minutes later.
After may calls to my Mom, Heather, my co-worker Lorrie and Shelly (who was now on her way to the vet to meet me-i had never taken YaYa to the vet by myself before) and a walk across the street to get some gum and some sprite to settle my stomach...the doctor came in to let me know the test results. He told me that YaYa tested positive for Feline Leukemia. He continued to explain that because she was so sick already and she had stopped eating and drinking that there really wasn't anything that could be done to help her get back to a healthy state. He said there were medicines, but he had never seen positive results from it. He also offered to hydrate her under the skin and give me medicine for to help her with the vomiting...but that may only give her a couple more days. Which meant that I would just be prolonging the inevitable...which was that she was going to die. So I had to make a decision whether or not i wanted to try all these treatments or put her to sleep that day. After much consulting with my mom, Heather and Shelly i decided that to keep her living for a couple extra days would be to satisfy my need for her to be around...and I knew in my heart that I did not want to remember her the way she had been the night before. I didn't want her to be in pain anymore...so there with YaYa, Shelly and the crying nurse, I signed the euthanasia papers.
They asked me if I wanted to stay and I originally said no. It was already hard enough that i had to make that decision, but it was going to be even tougher to watch her be put to sleep. Again in consulting with Shelly I decided that I was going to stay. Shelly really put it in perspective for me. She said that if YaYa were hers, she wouldn't want her to pass with a bunch of strangers in the room. That totally made sense to me. So the brought in a blanket, lay her down on it, shaved her little back leg we pet her head and the doctor administered the medicine. She let out a cry and the doctor listened to her heart. Just a few seconds later he said, "That's it, the heart beat has stopped." Both he and the nurse left the room to allow us to say our final goodbyes. I pet her, i let her know that I loved her and that I hoped she didn't haunt me...trying to force come type of smile through the tears. We sat there for a bit, remembering the happy YaYa times. I smoothed her fur down as she lay there lifeless, but seemingly out of pain. We stayed for a moment more, collected our things, left her carrier box on the table and we left the room.
She went peacefully and I am happy that I made the decision to stay in the room. The next step would be to go home and start cleaning things and just allow myself to feel all the emotions that were swimming around in the pit of my stomach.
I had seen this news story once where a Native American father spoke about his daughter that had just died in the war when it started to rain. He stopped telling his story and mentioned that in Native American culture, when it rains after someone has passed...it means that they are letting you know that they are okay. Yesterday after coming back from the vet it was pretty sunny. When i got closer to my house, it started to rain in just one part of the block. Thats when i knew that baby YaYa was okay. She's pain free, running around, jumping on things, eating and drinking all she wants.
My Mom said that one of her co-workers went out and got another cat after her cat had died. I don't think i'm quite ready for that yet. For now, I just want to remember the happy YaYa times and try not to feel so guilty about having to force feed her food and that yucky medicine the last week of her life.
Today I'm trying not to think about the time that I didn't pet her cause I was sleepy, or the times I closed her out of the room cause she would play with my feet under the blanket all night and I couldn't sleep, or the times that she would walk right next to me and i'd get upset with her cause i almost fell down the stairs... Today I remember her playing fetch, her cuddling with me, even her drooling LOL, her first day at home with me, how she looked after giving her a bath, her learning her name and coming when I called...
To my darling baby YaYa
Mama loves you pumpkin!
LoveLove