I Wish songfic
He takes your hand
I die a little…
I slide down the wall, silently screaming. Anthony is giggling like a schoolgirl in the living room, eating pizza with Kristen. In my spot on the couch, lounging with my Anthony. I absolutely refuse to use her “real” name. She was so FAKE. Dyed blond hair, fake crystal blue eyes. Anthony told me she wore them because she idolized mine. I didn’t care. I wipe the tears, realizing there were more. Resting my head on my knees, I listen to her overdone giggle, his deep laugh. I don’t know, I don’t care, what they’re laughing about.
I watch your eyes
and I'm in riddles
I slide behind the partition of our hallway, where you could see the living room without being seen. I don’t know why I torture myself like this. Anthony and Kristen are on the couch, pizza flung aside. I see Kristen’s face fitted where mine should be, right up against Anthony’s. Where I’ve dreamed mine to be. The tears come back, streaming from my eyes. I sniffle, burying my head on my knees again.
“Fuck.” I whisper. Anthony’s dark hazel-brown eyes are full of childish love. It looks romantic and stupid, and cheesy and perfect. The look was wasted on her, and it should have been my look to cherish.
Why can't you look at me like that? I feel like screaming this right at the douche I call my best friend, because I know I’m lucky to have even that. I roll onto my stomach, sobbing silently into the carpet. I hear Kristen ask to go to the bathroom. She springs past me, floral perfume too strong. Anthony walks past me, after her.
When you walk by
I try to say it
“Why you standing in the hall, Ian?”
“No- no reason. Um, hey Anthony?” I look at the ground, hiding swollen eyes.
“Yeah, man?”
But then I freeze
And never do it
I realize what I’m about to say, stopping it before I embarrass myself and ruin my life.
“Um… nothing.”
“No way. There’s no way this is nothing, Ian. I know you, babe. Now I know something is up. So tell me.”
Babe? His fingers gently tug my chin up, forcing me to look into his gorgeous eyes. I open my mouth to say something, but I just can’t.
My tongue gets tied
the words gets trapped
“I- I- I can’t.”
“Tell me, Ian… Pretty please?” He pleads; His other hand gently shakes my shoulder. He really wants me to tell him that I so desperately love him, need him, want him? I guess I could tell the truth without telling the WHOLE truth..?
“I-I’m… never mind.”
“You will tell me later.” He swears, following his bitchy girlfriend to the living room.
I follow, sitting quietly in an armchair closest to Anthony. He keeps glancing at me, worriedly.
I hear the beat of my heart getting louder
Whenever I'm near you
I hear the thunder of my heart. But Kristen’s nasally voice cuts through, insisting Anthony dance with her. She switches on the radio. He reluctantly gets up, awkwardly swaying. She clutches him, staring at me with her false blue eyes. She mouths, ‘He’s mine. Back the fuck off.’ I mouth back, ‘I don’t want him.’
But I see you with him slow dancing
Tearing me apart
Cause you don't see
I shake my head, trembling in anger. Breathing deeply, closing my eyes and focusing on the soft music. I imagine Anthony and me, dancing and kissing, laughing and swaying. His hands at my waist, his lips at my ear, but instead he is touching her.
Whenever you kiss him
I'm breaking,
Oh how I wish that was me
She has her arms thrown about his neck, nuzzling into him. He kisses her cheek, before whispering something in her ear. I close my eyes again, changing position in my chair. I curse under my breath. Finally, finally, Kristen leaves, and Anthony closes the door after her. He plops down on the couch, patting the cushion next to him. I reluctantly move to him, crossing my ankles.
“So what’s up, Ian? What’s been up with you?”
“Nothing…”
“Ian, please! Don’t lie. Remember the oath. Don’t break the oath.”
I smack my forehead, remembering the oath.
“We can’t ever lie to each other, Ian. We both know what it feels like to lie, and be lied to.” Anthony holds the needle over the flame.
“I know.” I watch the silvery flicker of the lighter.
Anthony roughly jabs it through the skin of his right palm. A crimson drop of blood blossoms. He gently takes my left hand, apologizing as he pushed the needle through.
“We can’t ever lie. We have to tell the truth to each other, if no one else. This is a sacred oath, and even in ten, no, fifteen years, we can tell each other anything. No matter what.”
This last part we say together, “No matter what.”
“So tell me what’s bugging you, Ian. “
“Cause I got three little words
That I've always been dying to tell you.”
“Tell me.”
“I-I-I…”
“Spit it out, Ian! Just say it! It’s not like you’re in love with me or anything.”
I am suddenly overcome with fury.
“Okay, you want me to tell you my three words?” I spit through clenched teeth.
“Go fuck yourself, Anthony.”