(no subject)
About Nix.
Lovers:
As Nix leaves the round table discussion again-after talking about her, about him, about a life with two lovers-he feels strangely empty, like a shell washed up on the beach that he remembers from another life, a long time ago. To say it was cathartic, to say he was cleansed…it would be a lie to believe it. He stops a moment outside of the little offset building, thoughts escaping him wordlessly in hot puffs of frosted breath. He is already too cold with pausing on the grass at the side of the building, but he cannot bring himself to go back to the dorms. Not when it means he will have to face his current lover-girl.
His steps take him out, away, off campus through the frozen facades of apartments and cozy housing complexes in Education Square. Within five miles of each other are so many colleges, universities, and schools…the neighborhood is inundated with professors and students of all kinds from everywhere around until it cannot hold anymore. Nix takes his time as he continues to walk through noisy neighborhoods and quiet ones, his thin Chucks making little noise as he moves across the pavement, an aimless wandering.
He feels a little safer on this far end of campus. It is vibrant, so full of sound and lights and life. The fraternities that Kunst School of Arts would never have live here, and he knows that neither of his lovers will be here. That the artsy crowd he knows so well has a different style. He is safe in his knowledge that here, in the crowd of Thursday Night Drinking Parties and the innate hedonism of colleges around, he is entirely alone. His lover-boy lives on the other side of campus, at least a mile past Nix’s own dorm.
Nix keeps moving, the cold seeping below his thin leather jacket and sweater, swirling patterns on his skin as he tries not to think of anyone or anything. He tries not to think about foolishly signing up for a talking group that he had no intention of telling all his woes to. He tries to forget that what he really needs is to make some firm decisions in his life. Firm, strong decisions about his present situation and his clouded future.
He stops as a laughing couple pushes past him on the too narrow sidewalk, her giggles muffled by her boyfriend’s coat. Nix stands very still for a moment, eyes still looking blankly the way the people had just come, while he tries to catch his bearings. While he tries not to wish for a similar joining in his own life. He breathes, remembering that he is a private person when it comes to love. He is a homebody, a stay-at-home, couch-cuddling, behind closed doors type of lover. He has had the exhibition love before. He has had lovers that required that of him and he had needed them in such a bad way then.
He breathes, and finds his balance again.
Slowly, he starts back around to the campus, taking streets at random and not caring what time he gets back in. His thoughts still refuse to settle, but he will not dwell on it. Not when the world is iced over like this. Not when he could marvel at the beauty of now and forget the worries of earlier. There is something to be said for indecision.
And he hopes there will be a day that maybe, just maybe, his lover-boy and lover-girl will accept that he needs them both to build him up from the shallow shell that his past has left him. He hopes that they will realize that he needs them both to fill a hole in his life and to make him complete.
That is what lovers are for, after all.
Lovers:
As Nix leaves the round table discussion again-after talking about her, about him, about a life with two lovers-he feels strangely empty, like a shell washed up on the beach that he remembers from another life, a long time ago. To say it was cathartic, to say he was cleansed…it would be a lie to believe it. He stops a moment outside of the little offset building, thoughts escaping him wordlessly in hot puffs of frosted breath. He is already too cold with pausing on the grass at the side of the building, but he cannot bring himself to go back to the dorms. Not when it means he will have to face his current lover-girl.
His steps take him out, away, off campus through the frozen facades of apartments and cozy housing complexes in Education Square. Within five miles of each other are so many colleges, universities, and schools…the neighborhood is inundated with professors and students of all kinds from everywhere around until it cannot hold anymore. Nix takes his time as he continues to walk through noisy neighborhoods and quiet ones, his thin Chucks making little noise as he moves across the pavement, an aimless wandering.
He feels a little safer on this far end of campus. It is vibrant, so full of sound and lights and life. The fraternities that Kunst School of Arts would never have live here, and he knows that neither of his lovers will be here. That the artsy crowd he knows so well has a different style. He is safe in his knowledge that here, in the crowd of Thursday Night Drinking Parties and the innate hedonism of colleges around, he is entirely alone. His lover-boy lives on the other side of campus, at least a mile past Nix’s own dorm.
Nix keeps moving, the cold seeping below his thin leather jacket and sweater, swirling patterns on his skin as he tries not to think of anyone or anything. He tries not to think about foolishly signing up for a talking group that he had no intention of telling all his woes to. He tries to forget that what he really needs is to make some firm decisions in his life. Firm, strong decisions about his present situation and his clouded future.
He stops as a laughing couple pushes past him on the too narrow sidewalk, her giggles muffled by her boyfriend’s coat. Nix stands very still for a moment, eyes still looking blankly the way the people had just come, while he tries to catch his bearings. While he tries not to wish for a similar joining in his own life. He breathes, remembering that he is a private person when it comes to love. He is a homebody, a stay-at-home, couch-cuddling, behind closed doors type of lover. He has had the exhibition love before. He has had lovers that required that of him and he had needed them in such a bad way then.
He breathes, and finds his balance again.
Slowly, he starts back around to the campus, taking streets at random and not caring what time he gets back in. His thoughts still refuse to settle, but he will not dwell on it. Not when the world is iced over like this. Not when he could marvel at the beauty of now and forget the worries of earlier. There is something to be said for indecision.
And he hopes there will be a day that maybe, just maybe, his lover-boy and lover-girl will accept that he needs them both to build him up from the shallow shell that his past has left him. He hopes that they will realize that he needs them both to fill a hole in his life and to make him complete.
That is what lovers are for, after all.