(no subject)
From Nisha.
Months:
In less than 9 months, I am leaving for good. I told my parents that it is all a question of location. Louisville is just not for me anymore, you know. There is something about it here that I just cannot take anymore. I think it is the stress of living here. Not that there is not stress everywhere. But here is just... oppressive.
I do not want to tell them that the oppression is coming from them. From my parents. Because if I tell them that, I will have to run away even faster. And they tell me that running away is only a temporary solution, and I cannot deal with temporary. There is an argument everywhere I turn at home, like there is nothing to talk about anymore. It is all what rules I have broken and who I should be like and what I should live up to. I keep my mouth shut, letting it all swirl around inside of me until I want to explode.
I smile at my parents, employing yet another mask that I have been living behind, and I pretend like there is nothing wrong. It is the mask that they have been fooled with for the past 6 years, I am sure. They think I am trying to be the perfect daughter, and I have put on the mask for long enough that they mistake it for the real thing. This mask is a mask of perfection, of never failing, of always living up to my name. Because a Sacarias is someone who can solve everything without any help. A Sacarias never gets depressed. A fucking Sacarias is the straightest straight arrow to be found.
I am leaving in less than 9 months, and the months cannot pass fast enough to save me. My parents would never believe that the perfect Miss Nisha Louise Sacarias is anything like the liar and fraud I am. If they believed that, their world would crumble around them. They think that I am the strong one, and the one worthy of my name. If only they knew.
I feel like I am going to explode if I stay here any longer. If I stay in this house, if I stay in Louisville, if I stay anywhere near where I grew up, I will not last. I will explode and go off the deep end and have to be put away for the rest of my natural life. I will snap. There are 20 some odd years of being silent that is boiling inside of me, and it is barely containing itself now.
I told my parents I am moving in 9 months. I have been accepted as a professor at Kunst School of Arts, I tell them. It is a change of scenery, a change of pace. I need that, I tell them. I do not tell them that I am only trying to get away from them.
I have 9 months to get them used to the idea. Nine months, and I will be free of them for good. I cannot wait.
Months:
In less than 9 months, I am leaving for good. I told my parents that it is all a question of location. Louisville is just not for me anymore, you know. There is something about it here that I just cannot take anymore. I think it is the stress of living here. Not that there is not stress everywhere. But here is just... oppressive.
I do not want to tell them that the oppression is coming from them. From my parents. Because if I tell them that, I will have to run away even faster. And they tell me that running away is only a temporary solution, and I cannot deal with temporary. There is an argument everywhere I turn at home, like there is nothing to talk about anymore. It is all what rules I have broken and who I should be like and what I should live up to. I keep my mouth shut, letting it all swirl around inside of me until I want to explode.
I smile at my parents, employing yet another mask that I have been living behind, and I pretend like there is nothing wrong. It is the mask that they have been fooled with for the past 6 years, I am sure. They think I am trying to be the perfect daughter, and I have put on the mask for long enough that they mistake it for the real thing. This mask is a mask of perfection, of never failing, of always living up to my name. Because a Sacarias is someone who can solve everything without any help. A Sacarias never gets depressed. A fucking Sacarias is the straightest straight arrow to be found.
I am leaving in less than 9 months, and the months cannot pass fast enough to save me. My parents would never believe that the perfect Miss Nisha Louise Sacarias is anything like the liar and fraud I am. If they believed that, their world would crumble around them. They think that I am the strong one, and the one worthy of my name. If only they knew.
I feel like I am going to explode if I stay here any longer. If I stay in this house, if I stay in Louisville, if I stay anywhere near where I grew up, I will not last. I will explode and go off the deep end and have to be put away for the rest of my natural life. I will snap. There are 20 some odd years of being silent that is boiling inside of me, and it is barely containing itself now.
I told my parents I am moving in 9 months. I have been accepted as a professor at Kunst School of Arts, I tell them. It is a change of scenery, a change of pace. I need that, I tell them. I do not tell them that I am only trying to get away from them.
I have 9 months to get them used to the idea. Nine months, and I will be free of them for good. I cannot wait.