(no subject)
"Hey mom, have you talked to Kaylee lately?"
In fact, she's writing back to Kaylee right now, or trying to, without much progress.. She lays her pen down. "Not recently, sugar. Not until just after things in August."
"Okay," Rose says. "You said you could leave her a note at the bar before. Can you leave her a package?"
"I suppose," she says reluctantly. "Why?"
Rose gets a bottle of water from the fridge and sits down at the table with her. "I got her something. For Christmas."
Susannah nods. She hesitates, and then: "Rose, honey, I don't--"
"I know, Mom." Rose rolls her eyes. "Kaylee's not coming back. I figured that out a while ago."
"She's a good woman," Susannah says, thinking about Qianbeth Hua. "She has a good heart. But sometimes--" God. How do I...
"I get it," Rose says, her voice low. "We don't have to go over it."
Pause. "What exactly do you get, sug?"
Rose sighs. "It's my fault. I didn't notice the guys, I got knocked out by a car, I got carted off without helping her, I didn't even have a weapon. She had to carry me out. I sucked and she got hurt. It's not that complicated."
"Rose," Susannah says quietly. "You shouldn't blame yourself. Kaylee doesn't blame you."
"Then who does she blame?" Rose looks confused. "You weren't even there."
"She doesn't blame anybody for what happened," Susannah says. A lie in a good cause. "Not really. But what happened--happened. We get up close with ugly things in this world. These worlds. And people too close to us can get hurt. The way you and Daddy got hurt last year."
Rose frowns, and absent-mindedly rubs her sternum in a way she hasn't in months; a way that makes Susannah's own heart skip a beat. "If I could've saved us it wouldn't have been a big deal," she says, mulish.
"Maybe not," Susannah says. "But it still would've happened. And we can't save everyone. I told you that." She can see it's not sinking it, that maybe it will never sink in until Rose has to face it for herself--that in her secret heart, her daughter believes that she will be able to save everyone, when she comes into her own. "It's something people have to face, when they're close to a gunslinger. How... awful things can get, out there on the edge between good and evil. You know how hard it was for your daddy."
"But he's helping," Rose says. She sounds awfully young, and Susannah only nods for a moment.
"Because he loves us very much. Very much indeed. And Kaylee--Kaylee is an old friend of mine. But maybe not as close of a friend as I wished she was. I was lonely. I made a mistake, asking her for so much, and we all got burned for it. Her the worst. I can't blame her for pulling away."
"It's not your fault," Rose says. "Not if it isn't mine. It's way more my fault than yours."
"We could say: ka," Susannah says. "Only it's awfully easy to blame dirty old ka for everything. It's--like being a doctor, maybe. Doctors aren't perfect. No one can be perfect. But when a doctor makes a mistake... he just has to trust the good he does outweighs the mistakes."
"Well, I haven't done that much good," Rose says, her voice still low.
"You will," Susannah says. "It's hard, because you make the most mistakes at the start, when there's less to balance it up. But you will." She tries to project certainty, confidence, tries to will them to take root in her daughter's expression.
"I still want her to have the present," Rose says, turning away. "Do you think it would upset her to get it?"
"I don't think so," Susannah says. "I'll send it along."
Rose stands; hesitates. "I thought she was my friend, too. I really liked her."
"It's okay to like her," Susannah says. "She is a good person. Without her we never would've saved those children, and she's still working hard to do things for them. And I think she likes you. She was worried about you, the last time we talked. It's just that you and me--" She smiles wryly. "We're a package deal, sug. I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry, mom." Rose exhales. "Well, I'll go wrap the stuff and write a card. Be back in a minute."
Susannah looks down at her scratched-out false starts. Well, that was very pretty. Is that what I really think? She looks inside, the careful monitor of all her chaotic fragments, and can't find any consensus. Her pain and rage are cheek-and-jowl with her regret and sympathy for Kaylee, and mixed up with Odetta's icy false wisdom of loneliness. You said it, she decides. Commit to it. Don't make yourself a liar.
She picks the pen back up, and writes.
In fact, she's writing back to Kaylee right now, or trying to, without much progress.. She lays her pen down. "Not recently, sugar. Not until just after things in August."
"Okay," Rose says. "You said you could leave her a note at the bar before. Can you leave her a package?"
"I suppose," she says reluctantly. "Why?"
Rose gets a bottle of water from the fridge and sits down at the table with her. "I got her something. For Christmas."
Susannah nods. She hesitates, and then: "Rose, honey, I don't--"
"I know, Mom." Rose rolls her eyes. "Kaylee's not coming back. I figured that out a while ago."
"She's a good woman," Susannah says, thinking about Qianbeth Hua. "She has a good heart. But sometimes--" God. How do I...
"I get it," Rose says, her voice low. "We don't have to go over it."
Pause. "What exactly do you get, sug?"
Rose sighs. "It's my fault. I didn't notice the guys, I got knocked out by a car, I got carted off without helping her, I didn't even have a weapon. She had to carry me out. I sucked and she got hurt. It's not that complicated."
"Rose," Susannah says quietly. "You shouldn't blame yourself. Kaylee doesn't blame you."
"Then who does she blame?" Rose looks confused. "You weren't even there."
"She doesn't blame anybody for what happened," Susannah says. A lie in a good cause. "Not really. But what happened--happened. We get up close with ugly things in this world. These worlds. And people too close to us can get hurt. The way you and Daddy got hurt last year."
Rose frowns, and absent-mindedly rubs her sternum in a way she hasn't in months; a way that makes Susannah's own heart skip a beat. "If I could've saved us it wouldn't have been a big deal," she says, mulish.
"Maybe not," Susannah says. "But it still would've happened. And we can't save everyone. I told you that." She can see it's not sinking it, that maybe it will never sink in until Rose has to face it for herself--that in her secret heart, her daughter believes that she will be able to save everyone, when she comes into her own. "It's something people have to face, when they're close to a gunslinger. How... awful things can get, out there on the edge between good and evil. You know how hard it was for your daddy."
"But he's helping," Rose says. She sounds awfully young, and Susannah only nods for a moment.
"Because he loves us very much. Very much indeed. And Kaylee--Kaylee is an old friend of mine. But maybe not as close of a friend as I wished she was. I was lonely. I made a mistake, asking her for so much, and we all got burned for it. Her the worst. I can't blame her for pulling away."
"It's not your fault," Rose says. "Not if it isn't mine. It's way more my fault than yours."
"We could say: ka," Susannah says. "Only it's awfully easy to blame dirty old ka for everything. It's--like being a doctor, maybe. Doctors aren't perfect. No one can be perfect. But when a doctor makes a mistake... he just has to trust the good he does outweighs the mistakes."
"Well, I haven't done that much good," Rose says, her voice still low.
"You will," Susannah says. "It's hard, because you make the most mistakes at the start, when there's less to balance it up. But you will." She tries to project certainty, confidence, tries to will them to take root in her daughter's expression.
"I still want her to have the present," Rose says, turning away. "Do you think it would upset her to get it?"
"I don't think so," Susannah says. "I'll send it along."
Rose stands; hesitates. "I thought she was my friend, too. I really liked her."
"It's okay to like her," Susannah says. "She is a good person. Without her we never would've saved those children, and she's still working hard to do things for them. And I think she likes you. She was worried about you, the last time we talked. It's just that you and me--" She smiles wryly. "We're a package deal, sug. I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry, mom." Rose exhales. "Well, I'll go wrap the stuff and write a card. Be back in a minute."
Susannah looks down at her scratched-out false starts. Well, that was very pretty. Is that what I really think? She looks inside, the careful monitor of all her chaotic fragments, and can't find any consensus. Her pain and rage are cheek-and-jowl with her regret and sympathy for Kaylee, and mixed up with Odetta's icy false wisdom of loneliness. You said it, she decides. Commit to it. Don't make yourself a liar.
She picks the pen back up, and writes.