I Know What They Parodied Last Summer (btvs-mst3k fic)
Title: I Know What They Parodied Last Summer an MST of I Know What You Did Last Summer. (4/5)
Author: sinecure - My master fic list
Pairing: Buffy, Xander, Spike, and Willow. It's sort of Willow/Spike. They don't actually pair up during this, but they will in later ones. There is some flirting with them, and other things. Very subtle for now.
Rating: R for language and some sexual references.
Genre: Parody, humor.
Summary: An MST-style fic. I stuck Willow, Buffy, Xander, and Spike into a room, and they can't get out. Wanna know more? Read on then, it should clear up some of your confusion... but not much.
Disclaimer: I don't own any show or movie mentioned, or the characters in them. For full disclaimer, see chapter 1 as it's making the heading here huge.
********
--Ray -
Listen to yourselves, you sound like a bunch of vigulanties.
WILLOW: (laughs) His spell checker probably broke from overuse.
XANDER: Or under-use.
--Julie -
It's july 4th Ray. Okay? This is his day. Whatever he's planned in going to happend today unless we stop him.
WILLOW: And right away we're faced with typo after typo.
--Ray -
Come on Julie, don't you see? It's that moment where we have to make a decision, let's make the right one this time.
WILLOW: (as Julie) You mean killing that guy and dumping his body wasn't the right decision? Well, damn, now I'm gonna have guilt and stuff.
--Julie -
I'm not interested in what's right anymore Ray I wanna do what's smart.
BUFFY: You go, girl. You're a rebel and you know it.
--Ray - Then let's get the hell out of here, we can leave town, disapear.
XANDER: (as Ray) Well, not literally, 'cause that's impossible, but, you know, figuratively speaking.
WILLOW: (as Julie) Ooo! Ray! You used big words, you're so smart.
--Julie -
I've already disapeared, okay?
BUFFY: (as Julie) See? Poof! You can't see me anymore.
XANDER: (as Ray) Yes, I can.
WILLOW: (as Helen) Me too.
BUFFY: (as Julie, pouting) Drat.
--Now I want my life back. Look we have to face this, what's it gonna be Ray?
WILLOW: (as Julie) Yes, or no? What's it gonna be, boy? Yes? Or no?
XANDER: Paradise By the Dashboard Light, excellent choice.
WILLOW: (grins) I thought so too.
SPIKE: (starts to say something, then falls silent with a shake of his head) Never mind.
BUFFY: (watching him closely) Good restraint, Spike, I knew you could do it.
WILLOW: What's wrong with you two?
BUFFY: (shrugs) Nothing. Back to the script, we're almost done.
--EXT. - The parade --- Helen is riding the float and Barry is sitting on the side. Both of them are looking all over the place for the man in the slicker. Helen sees a man in a black slicker and yells to Barry.
XANDER: (as Helen) You suck, Barry!
BUFFY: (as Barry) Huh? What'd I do?
--Helen -
Barry. Barry! Over there.!
Barry looks over and sees the man in the slicker walking away. Barry chases him screaming at people to move and get out of the way untill he finally tackles the man to the ground and removes the hat. It's an old man who looks like Barry has given him a heartattack.
WILLOW: (as old man) You have given me a heart attack.
--Barry -
Shit! Where the hell is he?
WILLOW: (as old man) Little help here?
--EXT. - Missys house - Julie is just pulling into the driveway. she gets out and knocks on the door.
BUFFY: (as Julie) Hello? Missy? Are you in my car? Hello?
--Julie -
Missy???? Hello????
BUFFY: Wow. I'm sensing a lot of curiosity from that girl.
XANDER: Punctuation ho!
WILLOW: There are enough question marks for eight questions... she's greedy. (looks at Spike) You're awfully silent.
SPIKE: (glares at her)
WILLOW: Well, excuse me.
--She starts to walk around the house to look for Missy when she sees Missy coming at her with a knife.
BUFFY: (as Julie) Great timing! I have a piece of toast that needs buttered, can I borrow that...?
Julie -
Please! Missy? Missy do you remember me from the other day? You know the car trouble?
WILLOW: Is Missy suddenly two years and old suffering from short term memory loss?
--Missy -
What are you doing here?
BUFFY: (as Julie) Um, I need some toast buttered...?
EXT. - The parade --- Helen is on her float looking around trying to find Barry, she looks up and sees a man standing on a building looking at her, he is wearing a slicker and he pulls his big hook,
WILLOW: He pulls his big hook? (looks over at Spike) And still you stay silent. You ok?
SPIKE: (drops his cigarette to the floor and steps on it) Peachy. (glares at Buffy)
WILLOW: (looks at Buffy as well) Buffy?
BUFFY: (shrugs innocently) Don't look at me.
XANDER: Oh, who cares? It's just Spike. Evil vampire, remember?
--it's the killer. Helen is scared.
BUFFY: (as Helen) I am scared.
--EXT. - Missys house --- Missy and Julie are talking out by an old shed. Missy is cutting up some rotten looking fish.
Julie - Please we need to talk. I need to find your brothers friend Billy Blue, I need to talk to him and I was thinking that maybe you could look through this yearbook?
WILLOW: (as Missy) Ooo! Pretty pictures!
BUFFY: (as Julie) Uh-huh! Or, high school mug shots.
--Missy -
Now what's this all about?
Julie -
Well it's too crazy to explain but it has to do with your brother and last july 4th.
XANDER: (as Missy) Wow, that is crazy!
--Missy -
What about it?
WILLOW: (as Julie) I can't tell you, it's too crazy!
--Julie -
What happened to your brother wasn't an acident, there's more to it than that.
XANDER: (as Missy) And it's crazy!
--Missy -
I know.
Julie -
You know what?
Missy -
Well he killed himself.
WILLOW: (as Julie) Exactly-- wait, what?
--Julie -
He what?
Missy -
Yeah he went up there to die that night that's where Susie died. See the whole town blammed him for her death so he blammed himself.
WILLOW: (laughing) The whole town blammed him... does that make him a slut?
SPIKE: (silent)
WILLOW: (to Buffy) You broke him! He's not even making yucky jokes anymore.
BUFFY: Good.
WILLOW: But... what'd you do? And why? I mean, duh, obviously 'cause of the yuck-ness, but, why?
BUFFY: Because of the reason you just gave. Does it matter?
WILLOW: Well, if you did it for the right reasons, no, but if you did it for the wrong reasons, yes.
XANDER: (sighs) Again, who cares? He's not a person.
WILLOW: But, he has feelings. You wouldn't kick a puppy would you?
SPIKE: (getting angrier) Stop trying to help me! It doesn't matter. Let's just get through this, and then I can get the hell away from you all. For good.
BUFFY/XANDER: Agreed.
WILLOW: (sighs, grumbling) That's the last time I try to help out.
SPIKE: Good.
--Julie -
But how do you know it was a suicide?
Missy -
He left a note.
Missy walks over to the decaying tool shed and gets out the note.
Missy -
I had to keep this hidden from the insurance company cause they wouldn't pay me the money if it was suicide. That don't much matter anymore cause the money's been spent. That's it.
She passes the note to Julie which says "I WILL NEVER FORGET LAST SUMMER".
Julie -
This isn't a suicide note. This is a death threat.
Missy -
What are you... What are you talking about?
Julie -
Your brother didn't kill himself Missy,
XANDER: (as Missy) Damn! He's still alive?
--I saw him,
XANDER: (as Julie) ...as I ran into him and sprayed his guts all over my car. Oops. Sorry.
--I was there and whoever sent this was there too.
Missy -
What do you mean you saw him? Where? Where did you see him?
BUFFY: (as Missy) When? When did you see him? How? What did he say? Who are you? Where am I?
--Julie -
He was crossing the road, we hit him, it was an accident.
XANDER: (as Julie) We killed your brother. He died. I am a robot.
--Missy -
No! My brother drowned.
BUFFY: (as Missy) I have daydreams of him drowning, he has to have drowned!
--Julie -
I saw him, he has Susie tattooed on his arm.
XANDER: (as Julie) Well, he did last year. His skin's probably falling off now though. And sort of rotted. Plus, the bloating from when we dumped him in the water...
--Missy -
Tattoo? He doesn't have a tattoo on his arm.
BUFFY: (as Missy) It's on his butt.
--Julie -
I saw it on his right forearm.
BUFFY: (as Missy) I told you, it's on his butt!
--Missy is getting upset at what Julie is saying.
BUFFY: (as Missy) How dare she say he has a tattoo on his arm! It's on his butt, it's on his butt, it's on his butt!
--Missy -
You didn't seeanything, get out of here. Get out of my house.
BUFFY: (as Julie) Nope, you're right, I didn't seeanything. May have seen something though.
XANDER: (as Julie) Um, I'm not in your house. I'm in your yard. There's a difference.
--Missy puts the letter away and disapears.
BUFFY: (as Julie, gasps) Where'd she go?!
--Julie -
Oh my god, it wasn't your brother.
INT. - Croaker Queen stage --- The crew is setting the stage up getting ready for the event. Barry and Helen are backstage, she is upset at having just seen the killer.
WILLOW: (as Helen) I am upset at having just seen the killer.
--Barry is trying to comfort her.
SPIKE: (as Barry) There, there.
BUFFY: (glares at Spike)
SPIKE: (rolls his eyes)
WILLOW: (frowns at them)
XANDER: (sighs)
--Barry -
Stay calm. I'll be up in the balcony.
Helen -
He had a hook Barry. I saw it, it was a big huge hook.
SPIKE: (as Barry) ... Ok.
--Barry -
Everything's gonna be alright. I'm not gonna let anything happen to you.
XANDER: (as Barry) For I am... Big Huge Hook Reflecting Man!
--Cut to --- A little while later --- The contest has started. Everyone is on stage.
BUFFY: (as MC) Everyone, everyone please get off the stage. Only the contestants should be up here.
--MC -
Very nicley done ladies. And now let's meet last years winner, Miss Helen Shivers.
Helen walks out to a cheering crowd, she looks up in the balcony focusing on Barry. A girl is very horribly singing a very horrible song.
WILLOW: (as Helen, miffed) She stole my talent... the bitch!
--Helen laughs and looks up at Barry who is also laughing. She looks back at the girl then back up at Barry to see the killer coming up behind him and pulls him back. Helen goes crazy,
XANDER: (as Helen) The cheese stole the moon! Ahh! Red bandages slide slowly over trees!
--she starts screaming and running towards the balcony but the crowd is in an uproar and she can't get through. A cop stops her. And the killer is slashing Barry to death with his hook.
Helen -
HELP HIM. PLEASE. BARRY!!!
BUFFY: (as Barry) Um, honey, I'd love to help you, but at the moment I'm getting gutted with a hook. Perhaps you could help me.
--Cop -
Excuse me. What's the problem??
Helen -
Help him he's gonna kill him.
WILLOW: Eh? Pronouns, Helen. Pronouns.
--Cop -
Who's killing who?
WILLOW: Exactly. (to the cop) Thank you.
--Helen -
Up in the balcony.
XANDER: Up In The Balcony is killing people? Oh, my god!
--Cop -
Okay everybody stay calm.
BUFFY: (as cop) Nothing to see here, just a guy getting killed in the balcony, calm down.
--Helen -
Get off of me!
WILLOW: When did he get on her?
SPIKE: My question as well.
--There is a lot of commotion going on and everyone is talking over each other. Helen follows the cop up into the balcony.
Cop -
Mame stay behind me okay?
WILLOW: Where did Auntie Mame come from?
--They look around but find no one or no trace that anyone had ever been there.
BUFFY: Apparently, by brilliant deduction, the cop was able to search the entire balcony for fingerprints and DNA to find no trace of anyone ever having been there... wow. I wanna be him.
--Cop -
There's nobody up here. I gotta tell ya, this is really not my idea of a funny joke.
Helen -
He was here.
XANDER: (as cop) Who was where?
--Cop -
Who? Who was here?
XANDER: Hey! Line stealer.
--Helen -
The fisherman, he killed Barry.
BUFFY: (as cop) The Gorton's Fisherman killed Barry?
--Cop -
Barry who? Who are we talking about? There's nobody up here, come on let's go back downstairs, come one, come on, there's nobody up here.
As they are walking dowstairs they don't see the blood dripping from the edge of the balcony.
After the Croaker queen contest Helen is still sitting there looking at the floor. Almost everyone has left, the cop comes up to her.
WILLOW: (as Helen) Don't bother me, I'm staring at the floor.
Cop -
Mame, I'm gonna take you home, your parents are really worried about you.
WILLOW: (as Helen) What about me? You gonna take me home too?
--Helen -
You have to believe me.
Cop -
Why don't you let me take you home okay?
She gets up to leave with him and the MC grabs at her crown.
MC -
Excuse me, we'll be needing this.
BUFFY: Rude much?
--INT. - Julies house --- Julie is on her computer looking for articles on Susie Willis.
EXT. - Police car --- Cop is driving Helen home.
XANDER: Rapid scene change! Ahh! Where are we? Where are we?
--Cop -
So then he killed him with a fish hook?
XANDER: Um, Barry was killed by one of those small hooks that goes on a fishing pole? Wouldn't that take forever?
--Helen -
Yes.
XANDER: (to Helen) Thanks.
--Cop -
Did this fisherman guy use the same hook to cut all your hair off?
Helen -
No, he used scissors asshole. Look, okay I know I sound delusional but it's true.
XANDER: It's true that she's delusional?
BUFFY: Definitely. But I don't think that's what she meant.
--Cop -
Yeah I've heard this story before except the way I heard it it wasn't a fisherman, it was an escaped mental patient and he had a hook for a hand. We're gonna have to take the alley.
BUFFY: What? Huh?
XANDER: Random sentences.
BUFFY: Oh, right. Um... oh. He gutted her like a fish. I need a new backpack.
XANDER: Death awaits you all. We're having pizza for dinner.
WILLOW: (silent)
SPIKE: (silent)
XANDER: Party poopers.
--Helen -
Look, you little shitstick mayberry ass regect,
WILLOW: (laughs hysterically)
SPIKE: (snickers)
--there's been a murder and you're gonna fry in hell if you ignore it.
Cop -
Alright, I'll tell you what I'll do, okay I'll contact Barry's parents and put out a search for him alright? He was probably just playing a prank on you.
BUFFY: (as cop) He paid someone to dress up as a fisherman and kill him, isn't that funny? Ha ha.
XANDER: (as Helen) Oh, you're right! It is!
--The cop sees a man standing under the hood of his car.
XANDER: (as cop) Hey, you! Get out from under my car hood!
--Cop -
Oh jesus, listen I'm just gonna be a minute alright,
XANDER: (as the cop) I've really gotta pee.
--I'm gonna see if this guy needs help.
XANDER: (as cop) ...peeing.
--He gets out of the car and walks over to the man. Helen can tell who it is.
WILLOW: (as Helen) Oh, my god! It's the Michelin Tire Guy! Ruuuuuuun!
--Helen -
That's him.
WILLOW: (as Helen) That's the guy who killed Barry! It was the Michelin Tire Guy this whole time! How could I have missed those beady eyes... that big white gut?
--Cop -
What's the trouble?
Helen starts yelling to the cop.
WILLOW: (as Helen) Hey, stupid! You're a jerk! You suck!
SPIKE: (as cop) You should be so lucky!
WILLOW: (as Helen) In your dreams!
SPIKE: (as cop) You know you want me--
XANDER: I hate to interrupt your little love-fest here, but can we get back to the story?
BUFFY: (warningly) Yes, we can.
WILLOW: I was doing the story.
SPIKE: (snorts with laughter, obviously in a better mood) Would you like some time alone with the story?
WILLOW: (laughs) Yes, please.
BUFFY: I warned you, Spike! Stop--
********
Willow stood up, positive she'd missed something. She stared at Buffy, frowning. "What did you warn him about?"
Spike stood up along with the others, enjoying the tension he'd created between the friends. "She warned me to stay away from you. Warned me to be a good little boy. Warned me to--"
"To shut up," Buffy interrupted.
Spike saluted Buffy. "Yes, ma'am! Shutting up, ma'am!" Rolling his eyes, he took his seat again, watching the others with relish.
Willow's frown deepened even more. "Why would you do that? He can't hurt me, right? Chipped and all?"
Xander snorted in amusement. "On the nose."
Spike snarled at the boy, pissed that he was considered nothing more than an annoyance to them. "You know, I could possibly withstand the pain of the chip just to do you some damage, Harris."
Willow sighed, turning to him. "Hello, I'm trying to tell Buffy how you're not going to hurt me, and you're over there threatening Xander?"
"Listen, Red, if I could hurt you, I would. The only thing keeping you alive, keeping all of you alive, is this... blasted... chip!" He strode away, turned around and came back. "Enough with this bullshit, let's just finish this damn thing, and get the hell out of here."
"Fine!" Willow sat down, crossing her arms over her chest and staring straight ahead.
"Great," Buffy agreed, sitting down as well.
Xander shrugged and took a seat. "When we get out of here, I think we need to talk," he told Buffy. "Things are screwed up between us, and--"
Spike dropped into the remaining chair, cutting Xander off. "No more touchy feely crap, finish it! Christ, I wish I'd never started this whole thing."
"What whole thing?" Willow asked. "You've been kind of quiet for a while, something wrong?"
Spike stared at her for a second, then moved on to staring at Xander and Buffy. They were looking at him with confusion, but all the hostility was gone. "This thing about..." realizing his wish had been granted, he shrugged. "Never mind, just thinking aloud." Oddly enough, his own anger had faded as well, and he was in a relatively good mood again.
"Cool." Buffy grabbed the script and tossed it on his lap. "We're almost done, Blood Boy, so stop dawdling and let's go."
"Yes, ma'am."
********
On to the final chapter.
Author: sinecure - My master fic list
Pairing: Buffy, Xander, Spike, and Willow. It's sort of Willow/Spike. They don't actually pair up during this, but they will in later ones. There is some flirting with them, and other things. Very subtle for now.
Rating: R for language and some sexual references.
Genre: Parody, humor.
Summary: An MST-style fic. I stuck Willow, Buffy, Xander, and Spike into a room, and they can't get out. Wanna know more? Read on then, it should clear up some of your confusion... but not much.
Disclaimer: I don't own any show or movie mentioned, or the characters in them. For full disclaimer, see chapter 1 as it's making the heading here huge.
********
--Ray -
Listen to yourselves, you sound like a bunch of vigulanties.
WILLOW: (laughs) His spell checker probably broke from overuse.
XANDER: Or under-use.
--Julie -
It's july 4th Ray. Okay? This is his day. Whatever he's planned in going to happend today unless we stop him.
WILLOW: And right away we're faced with typo after typo.
--Ray -
Come on Julie, don't you see? It's that moment where we have to make a decision, let's make the right one this time.
WILLOW: (as Julie) You mean killing that guy and dumping his body wasn't the right decision? Well, damn, now I'm gonna have guilt and stuff.
--Julie -
I'm not interested in what's right anymore Ray I wanna do what's smart.
BUFFY: You go, girl. You're a rebel and you know it.
--Ray - Then let's get the hell out of here, we can leave town, disapear.
XANDER: (as Ray) Well, not literally, 'cause that's impossible, but, you know, figuratively speaking.
WILLOW: (as Julie) Ooo! Ray! You used big words, you're so smart.
--Julie -
I've already disapeared, okay?
BUFFY: (as Julie) See? Poof! You can't see me anymore.
XANDER: (as Ray) Yes, I can.
WILLOW: (as Helen) Me too.
BUFFY: (as Julie, pouting) Drat.
--Now I want my life back. Look we have to face this, what's it gonna be Ray?
WILLOW: (as Julie) Yes, or no? What's it gonna be, boy? Yes? Or no?
XANDER: Paradise By the Dashboard Light, excellent choice.
WILLOW: (grins) I thought so too.
SPIKE: (starts to say something, then falls silent with a shake of his head) Never mind.
BUFFY: (watching him closely) Good restraint, Spike, I knew you could do it.
WILLOW: What's wrong with you two?
BUFFY: (shrugs) Nothing. Back to the script, we're almost done.
--EXT. - The parade --- Helen is riding the float and Barry is sitting on the side. Both of them are looking all over the place for the man in the slicker. Helen sees a man in a black slicker and yells to Barry.
XANDER: (as Helen) You suck, Barry!
BUFFY: (as Barry) Huh? What'd I do?
--Helen -
Barry. Barry! Over there.!
Barry looks over and sees the man in the slicker walking away. Barry chases him screaming at people to move and get out of the way untill he finally tackles the man to the ground and removes the hat. It's an old man who looks like Barry has given him a heartattack.
WILLOW: (as old man) You have given me a heart attack.
--Barry -
Shit! Where the hell is he?
WILLOW: (as old man) Little help here?
--EXT. - Missys house - Julie is just pulling into the driveway. she gets out and knocks on the door.
BUFFY: (as Julie) Hello? Missy? Are you in my car? Hello?
--Julie -
Missy???? Hello????
BUFFY: Wow. I'm sensing a lot of curiosity from that girl.
XANDER: Punctuation ho!
WILLOW: There are enough question marks for eight questions... she's greedy. (looks at Spike) You're awfully silent.
SPIKE: (glares at her)
WILLOW: Well, excuse me.
--She starts to walk around the house to look for Missy when she sees Missy coming at her with a knife.
BUFFY: (as Julie) Great timing! I have a piece of toast that needs buttered, can I borrow that...?
Julie -
Please! Missy? Missy do you remember me from the other day? You know the car trouble?
WILLOW: Is Missy suddenly two years and old suffering from short term memory loss?
--Missy -
What are you doing here?
BUFFY: (as Julie) Um, I need some toast buttered...?
EXT. - The parade --- Helen is on her float looking around trying to find Barry, she looks up and sees a man standing on a building looking at her, he is wearing a slicker and he pulls his big hook,
WILLOW: He pulls his big hook? (looks over at Spike) And still you stay silent. You ok?
SPIKE: (drops his cigarette to the floor and steps on it) Peachy. (glares at Buffy)
WILLOW: (looks at Buffy as well) Buffy?
BUFFY: (shrugs innocently) Don't look at me.
XANDER: Oh, who cares? It's just Spike. Evil vampire, remember?
--it's the killer. Helen is scared.
BUFFY: (as Helen) I am scared.
--EXT. - Missys house --- Missy and Julie are talking out by an old shed. Missy is cutting up some rotten looking fish.
Julie - Please we need to talk. I need to find your brothers friend Billy Blue, I need to talk to him and I was thinking that maybe you could look through this yearbook?
WILLOW: (as Missy) Ooo! Pretty pictures!
BUFFY: (as Julie) Uh-huh! Or, high school mug shots.
--Missy -
Now what's this all about?
Julie -
Well it's too crazy to explain but it has to do with your brother and last july 4th.
XANDER: (as Missy) Wow, that is crazy!
--Missy -
What about it?
WILLOW: (as Julie) I can't tell you, it's too crazy!
--Julie -
What happened to your brother wasn't an acident, there's more to it than that.
XANDER: (as Missy) And it's crazy!
--Missy -
I know.
Julie -
You know what?
Missy -
Well he killed himself.
WILLOW: (as Julie) Exactly-- wait, what?
--Julie -
He what?
Missy -
Yeah he went up there to die that night that's where Susie died. See the whole town blammed him for her death so he blammed himself.
WILLOW: (laughing) The whole town blammed him... does that make him a slut?
SPIKE: (silent)
WILLOW: (to Buffy) You broke him! He's not even making yucky jokes anymore.
BUFFY: Good.
WILLOW: But... what'd you do? And why? I mean, duh, obviously 'cause of the yuck-ness, but, why?
BUFFY: Because of the reason you just gave. Does it matter?
WILLOW: Well, if you did it for the right reasons, no, but if you did it for the wrong reasons, yes.
XANDER: (sighs) Again, who cares? He's not a person.
WILLOW: But, he has feelings. You wouldn't kick a puppy would you?
SPIKE: (getting angrier) Stop trying to help me! It doesn't matter. Let's just get through this, and then I can get the hell away from you all. For good.
BUFFY/XANDER: Agreed.
WILLOW: (sighs, grumbling) That's the last time I try to help out.
SPIKE: Good.
--Julie -
But how do you know it was a suicide?
Missy -
He left a note.
Missy walks over to the decaying tool shed and gets out the note.
Missy -
I had to keep this hidden from the insurance company cause they wouldn't pay me the money if it was suicide. That don't much matter anymore cause the money's been spent. That's it.
She passes the note to Julie which says "I WILL NEVER FORGET LAST SUMMER".
Julie -
This isn't a suicide note. This is a death threat.
Missy -
What are you... What are you talking about?
Julie -
Your brother didn't kill himself Missy,
XANDER: (as Missy) Damn! He's still alive?
--I saw him,
XANDER: (as Julie) ...as I ran into him and sprayed his guts all over my car. Oops. Sorry.
--I was there and whoever sent this was there too.
Missy -
What do you mean you saw him? Where? Where did you see him?
BUFFY: (as Missy) When? When did you see him? How? What did he say? Who are you? Where am I?
--Julie -
He was crossing the road, we hit him, it was an accident.
XANDER: (as Julie) We killed your brother. He died. I am a robot.
--Missy -
No! My brother drowned.
BUFFY: (as Missy) I have daydreams of him drowning, he has to have drowned!
--Julie -
I saw him, he has Susie tattooed on his arm.
XANDER: (as Julie) Well, he did last year. His skin's probably falling off now though. And sort of rotted. Plus, the bloating from when we dumped him in the water...
--Missy -
Tattoo? He doesn't have a tattoo on his arm.
BUFFY: (as Missy) It's on his butt.
--Julie -
I saw it on his right forearm.
BUFFY: (as Missy) I told you, it's on his butt!
--Missy is getting upset at what Julie is saying.
BUFFY: (as Missy) How dare she say he has a tattoo on his arm! It's on his butt, it's on his butt, it's on his butt!
--Missy -
You didn't seeanything, get out of here. Get out of my house.
BUFFY: (as Julie) Nope, you're right, I didn't seeanything. May have seen something though.
XANDER: (as Julie) Um, I'm not in your house. I'm in your yard. There's a difference.
--Missy puts the letter away and disapears.
BUFFY: (as Julie, gasps) Where'd she go?!
--Julie -
Oh my god, it wasn't your brother.
INT. - Croaker Queen stage --- The crew is setting the stage up getting ready for the event. Barry and Helen are backstage, she is upset at having just seen the killer.
WILLOW: (as Helen) I am upset at having just seen the killer.
--Barry is trying to comfort her.
SPIKE: (as Barry) There, there.
BUFFY: (glares at Spike)
SPIKE: (rolls his eyes)
WILLOW: (frowns at them)
XANDER: (sighs)
--Barry -
Stay calm. I'll be up in the balcony.
Helen -
He had a hook Barry. I saw it, it was a big huge hook.
SPIKE: (as Barry) ... Ok.
--Barry -
Everything's gonna be alright. I'm not gonna let anything happen to you.
XANDER: (as Barry) For I am... Big Huge Hook Reflecting Man!
--Cut to --- A little while later --- The contest has started. Everyone is on stage.
BUFFY: (as MC) Everyone, everyone please get off the stage. Only the contestants should be up here.
--MC -
Very nicley done ladies. And now let's meet last years winner, Miss Helen Shivers.
Helen walks out to a cheering crowd, she looks up in the balcony focusing on Barry. A girl is very horribly singing a very horrible song.
WILLOW: (as Helen, miffed) She stole my talent... the bitch!
--Helen laughs and looks up at Barry who is also laughing. She looks back at the girl then back up at Barry to see the killer coming up behind him and pulls him back. Helen goes crazy,
XANDER: (as Helen) The cheese stole the moon! Ahh! Red bandages slide slowly over trees!
--she starts screaming and running towards the balcony but the crowd is in an uproar and she can't get through. A cop stops her. And the killer is slashing Barry to death with his hook.
Helen -
HELP HIM. PLEASE. BARRY!!!
BUFFY: (as Barry) Um, honey, I'd love to help you, but at the moment I'm getting gutted with a hook. Perhaps you could help me.
--Cop -
Excuse me. What's the problem??
Helen -
Help him he's gonna kill him.
WILLOW: Eh? Pronouns, Helen. Pronouns.
--Cop -
Who's killing who?
WILLOW: Exactly. (to the cop) Thank you.
--Helen -
Up in the balcony.
XANDER: Up In The Balcony is killing people? Oh, my god!
--Cop -
Okay everybody stay calm.
BUFFY: (as cop) Nothing to see here, just a guy getting killed in the balcony, calm down.
--Helen -
Get off of me!
WILLOW: When did he get on her?
SPIKE: My question as well.
--There is a lot of commotion going on and everyone is talking over each other. Helen follows the cop up into the balcony.
Cop -
Mame stay behind me okay?
WILLOW: Where did Auntie Mame come from?
--They look around but find no one or no trace that anyone had ever been there.
BUFFY: Apparently, by brilliant deduction, the cop was able to search the entire balcony for fingerprints and DNA to find no trace of anyone ever having been there... wow. I wanna be him.
--Cop -
There's nobody up here. I gotta tell ya, this is really not my idea of a funny joke.
Helen -
He was here.
XANDER: (as cop) Who was where?
--Cop -
Who? Who was here?
XANDER: Hey! Line stealer.
--Helen -
The fisherman, he killed Barry.
BUFFY: (as cop) The Gorton's Fisherman killed Barry?
--Cop -
Barry who? Who are we talking about? There's nobody up here, come on let's go back downstairs, come one, come on, there's nobody up here.
As they are walking dowstairs they don't see the blood dripping from the edge of the balcony.
After the Croaker queen contest Helen is still sitting there looking at the floor. Almost everyone has left, the cop comes up to her.
WILLOW: (as Helen) Don't bother me, I'm staring at the floor.
Cop -
Mame, I'm gonna take you home, your parents are really worried about you.
WILLOW: (as Helen) What about me? You gonna take me home too?
--Helen -
You have to believe me.
Cop -
Why don't you let me take you home okay?
She gets up to leave with him and the MC grabs at her crown.
MC -
Excuse me, we'll be needing this.
BUFFY: Rude much?
--INT. - Julies house --- Julie is on her computer looking for articles on Susie Willis.
EXT. - Police car --- Cop is driving Helen home.
XANDER: Rapid scene change! Ahh! Where are we? Where are we?
--Cop -
So then he killed him with a fish hook?
XANDER: Um, Barry was killed by one of those small hooks that goes on a fishing pole? Wouldn't that take forever?
--Helen -
Yes.
XANDER: (to Helen) Thanks.
--Cop -
Did this fisherman guy use the same hook to cut all your hair off?
Helen -
No, he used scissors asshole. Look, okay I know I sound delusional but it's true.
XANDER: It's true that she's delusional?
BUFFY: Definitely. But I don't think that's what she meant.
--Cop -
Yeah I've heard this story before except the way I heard it it wasn't a fisherman, it was an escaped mental patient and he had a hook for a hand. We're gonna have to take the alley.
BUFFY: What? Huh?
XANDER: Random sentences.
BUFFY: Oh, right. Um... oh. He gutted her like a fish. I need a new backpack.
XANDER: Death awaits you all. We're having pizza for dinner.
WILLOW: (silent)
SPIKE: (silent)
XANDER: Party poopers.
--Helen -
Look, you little shitstick mayberry ass regect,
WILLOW: (laughs hysterically)
SPIKE: (snickers)
--there's been a murder and you're gonna fry in hell if you ignore it.
Cop -
Alright, I'll tell you what I'll do, okay I'll contact Barry's parents and put out a search for him alright? He was probably just playing a prank on you.
BUFFY: (as cop) He paid someone to dress up as a fisherman and kill him, isn't that funny? Ha ha.
XANDER: (as Helen) Oh, you're right! It is!
--The cop sees a man standing under the hood of his car.
XANDER: (as cop) Hey, you! Get out from under my car hood!
--Cop -
Oh jesus, listen I'm just gonna be a minute alright,
XANDER: (as the cop) I've really gotta pee.
--I'm gonna see if this guy needs help.
XANDER: (as cop) ...peeing.
--He gets out of the car and walks over to the man. Helen can tell who it is.
WILLOW: (as Helen) Oh, my god! It's the Michelin Tire Guy! Ruuuuuuun!
--Helen -
That's him.
WILLOW: (as Helen) That's the guy who killed Barry! It was the Michelin Tire Guy this whole time! How could I have missed those beady eyes... that big white gut?
--Cop -
What's the trouble?
Helen starts yelling to the cop.
WILLOW: (as Helen) Hey, stupid! You're a jerk! You suck!
SPIKE: (as cop) You should be so lucky!
WILLOW: (as Helen) In your dreams!
SPIKE: (as cop) You know you want me--
XANDER: I hate to interrupt your little love-fest here, but can we get back to the story?
BUFFY: (warningly) Yes, we can.
WILLOW: I was doing the story.
SPIKE: (snorts with laughter, obviously in a better mood) Would you like some time alone with the story?
WILLOW: (laughs) Yes, please.
BUFFY: I warned you, Spike! Stop--
********
Willow stood up, positive she'd missed something. She stared at Buffy, frowning. "What did you warn him about?"
Spike stood up along with the others, enjoying the tension he'd created between the friends. "She warned me to stay away from you. Warned me to be a good little boy. Warned me to--"
"To shut up," Buffy interrupted.
Spike saluted Buffy. "Yes, ma'am! Shutting up, ma'am!" Rolling his eyes, he took his seat again, watching the others with relish.
Willow's frown deepened even more. "Why would you do that? He can't hurt me, right? Chipped and all?"
Xander snorted in amusement. "On the nose."
Spike snarled at the boy, pissed that he was considered nothing more than an annoyance to them. "You know, I could possibly withstand the pain of the chip just to do you some damage, Harris."
Willow sighed, turning to him. "Hello, I'm trying to tell Buffy how you're not going to hurt me, and you're over there threatening Xander?"
"Listen, Red, if I could hurt you, I would. The only thing keeping you alive, keeping all of you alive, is this... blasted... chip!" He strode away, turned around and came back. "Enough with this bullshit, let's just finish this damn thing, and get the hell out of here."
"Fine!" Willow sat down, crossing her arms over her chest and staring straight ahead.
"Great," Buffy agreed, sitting down as well.
Xander shrugged and took a seat. "When we get out of here, I think we need to talk," he told Buffy. "Things are screwed up between us, and--"
Spike dropped into the remaining chair, cutting Xander off. "No more touchy feely crap, finish it! Christ, I wish I'd never started this whole thing."
"What whole thing?" Willow asked. "You've been kind of quiet for a while, something wrong?"
Spike stared at her for a second, then moved on to staring at Xander and Buffy. They were looking at him with confusion, but all the hostility was gone. "This thing about..." realizing his wish had been granted, he shrugged. "Never mind, just thinking aloud." Oddly enough, his own anger had faded as well, and he was in a relatively good mood again.
"Cool." Buffy grabbed the script and tossed it on his lap. "We're almost done, Blood Boy, so stop dawdling and let's go."
"Yes, ma'am."
********
On to the final chapter.