I Still Know What They Parodied Last Summer (btvs-mst3k fic)
Title: I Still Know What They Parodied Last Summer an MST of I Still Know What You Did Last Summer. (5/6)
Author: sinecure - My master fic list
Pairing: Buffy, Xander, Spike, and Willow. It's sort of Willow/Spike. They don't actually pair up during this, but they will in later ones. There is some flirting with them, and other things. Very subtle for now.
Rating: R for language and some sexual references.
Genre: Parody, humor.
Summary: An MST-style fic. I stuck Willow, Buffy, Xander, and Spike into a room, and they can't get out. Wanna know more? Read on then, it should clear up some of your confusion... but not much.
Disclaimer: I don't own any show or movie mentioned, or the characters in them. For full disclaimer, see chapter 1 as it's making the heading here huge.
********
********
They stood and stretched, wandering off in different directions. Buffy stretched her back and arms, doing a few squats to relieve the cramping in her legs and the numbness in her ass.
Willow joined her, stretching as well. "Hey." She yawned and slumped against the wall. "Who knew sitting was so tiring?"
Buffy chuckled then caught Spike watching them and rolled her eyes. He was ridiculously predictable. "See, that's why school should be held in swings."
Xander left the room for a few minutes and by the time he returned, they were all ready to get back to it, albeit reluctantly.
********
--CUT TO:
INT. PAULSEN'S BOAT HOUSE - NIGHT
A gear-strewn office. Paulsen watches an episode of Party of Five.
BUFFY: (false laugh) Oh, I get it, ha ha. The Perky Pest of Persia was on that show... isn't that neat? Ha ha.
OTHERS: (laugh falsely)
--There is a loud KNOCKING at the door.
Paulsen -
What the...
WILLOW: (as Paulsen) ... who could that be? I don't know anyone.
--Paulsen slowly gets up. He cracks
SPIKE: ...his head on the shelf above him, and falls over dead. The end.
OTHERS: Yay.
--the door open.
ALL: Aww.
--Ray stands silhouetted against the rain.
Ray -
I need to get to Tower Bay Island.
Paulsen senses something isn't right.
XANDER: (as Paulsen) Something isn't right. I sense that.
--Paulsen -
We're closed.
BUFFY: (as Paulsen) ...to doofuses... es... s.
WILLOW: (to Buffy) Doofuses is right.
--Ray pushes his way in --
Ray -
I need to get there, now.
Paulsen looks at him standing there drenched.
SPIKE: (as Paulsen) Oh, good, you're a guy. I thought you were just a really ugly woman.
--Paulsen -
Did you happen to notice what's going on outside?
Ray pulls out the gun and points it at Paulsen --
Ray -
I'm not looking for a weather report, I'm looking for a
XANDER: (as Ray, effeminately) ...pretty little pink sun dress with spaghetti straps and a pair of matching pumps. Do you have that? Hmm?
--boat. So which one's yours?
CUT TO:
EXT. WOODS TRAIL - NIGHT
Estes, Will, Tyrell, Julie, and Karla walk along a trail through the heart of the island. The storm has abated for a few minutes.
WILLOW: How convenient.
--It's windy, dark, and spooky. The kind of place you'd take people if you wanted to scare them with a classic ghost story. That is just what Estes is doing.
BUFFY: (as Estes) ...so the old woman was forced to leave... (pause for effect) without the half-off black purse.
OTHERS: (gasp in horror)
--Estes -
He worked here for many years. He had a nice family. A pretty wife and two little ones. A boy and a girl. They'd be about your age, now.
XANDER: (as Julie) Ooo! Can we play with them? We don't have very many friends.
--They continue along the path.
Estes looks at them in the dark, slowing for just a second.
SPIKE: (as Estes) Wow! You are all very ugly. Did you know that?
WILLOW: (as Julie) Uh-huh!
BUFFY: (as Karla) Yep!
XANDER: (as Tyrell) Oh, yeah!
WILLOW: (as Will) Definitely!
--Estes - (cont'd)
One day his wife went missing. Maid found blood all over the honeymoon suite -- Room 201.
There are strange NOISES out in the woods.
XANDER: Coo. Coo.
BUFFY: Cock-a-doodle-doo.
SPIKE: Roar.
WILLOW: Moo.
--Estes - (cont'd)
Eventually, they found her body. Pieces. A leg in the swamp. An arm washed up on Three Mile Beach. (beat) And the head they found much later.
SPIKE: (sits forward eagerly) It's killin' time.
--A huge branch is blown from a tree and comes crashing down
WILLOW: ...on Julie's head, killing her instantly.
--through the underbrush, scaring them.
ALL: AHHH!
--Estes calmly steps around it.
BUFFY: (as Estes) Wimps.
--Estes - (cont'd)
Careful --
BUFFY: (as Estes) ...Julie sometimes bites. Don't get too close to her.
--Julie - (softly)
Did he do it?
SPIKE: (as Estes) Well, duh, he had two children, didn't he?
--Estes -
People say she was running around on him. People say he caught her in bed with other men.
WILLOW: (as Estes) People say she ate chicken.
BUFFY: (as Estes) People say he liked shoes.
XANDER: (as Estes) People say he was hairy.
SPIKE: (as Estes) People say she wanted him to dress up in tights, and--
OTHERS: O_O
SPIKE: You guys want me to join in on your little jokes, then I'm doing them my way. Got it?
OTHERS: (shrug)
SPIKE: (as Estes) People say she wanted him to dress up in tights, and hang from the ceiling fan.
--People say a lot of things. (beat) He disappeared, taking the two small ones with him. At least they were never found.
The winding path leads to a small orchard. They hang on his every
XANDER: ...nose hair.
OTHERS: ...
WILLOW: And the randomness strikes again.
--word.
Estes - (cont'd)
We're here.
In the center of the orchard is a cemetery.
They move off the path into the safety of the woods.
BUFFY: Yes, they're completely safe with the strange noises that were coming from there. Here's hoping a wild bear gets them.
WILLOW: Bear? In the Bahamas?
BUFFY: (unfazed) Yep.
--There seems to be activity around the place. It's silent and eerie.
XANDER: Um, isn't that a bit of an oxymoron?
BUFFY: No, it's a paradox.
SPIKE: No it's not, it's irony.
WILLOW: No, it's a contradiction.
--Julie stares, fascinated. She is slowly drawn toward the house.
BUFFY: House? What house?
XANDER: (pointing) That one.
BUFFY: Oh.
--Karla grabs for her arm.
Karla -
Be careful, Julie.
WILLOW: (as Karla) The house might bite you. Bad house! Bad, bad house! Down boy!
--Julie -
I've got to see.
SPIKE: (as Julie) ...if they really did use green wallpaper with orange furniture.
--She leads, they follow, circling the house. Julie rounds a corner of the shack and stops. She sees --
ALL: AHHH!
--TWO TOMBSTONES
BUFFY: Oh, is that all?
--The first stone reads: SARAH WILLIS (birth/death)
The second stone reads: SUSIE WILLIS (birth/death)
Beyond them A FRESHLY DUG GRAVE and the group moves slowly toward it. The headstone, partially obscured by the mound of dirt, comes into view.
BUFFY: Suddenly, a hand breaks through the mound, reaching out for Julie's ankle. It snags her, dragging her toward the hole it's digging out of. As it emerges, the vampire snaps Julie's neck, and drains her dry. The end!
OTHERS: (applaud)
--The third headstone reads:
ALL: Aww.
--Julie James born September 6, 1979 died July 4, 1998
XANDER: Ben knows the date of Julie's birth and death, but not his own wife and daughter's?
--"A Lying Whore"
SPIKE: Well most whores do lie down. It's sort of in their job description... though, of course, lying down isn't a necessity.
WILLOW: ...and we're moving on.
--"A Lying Whore" is scratched with a knife.
XANDER: Why? Did the killer make a mistake, and try to scratch it out?
BUFFY: Yeah, he meant to say, 'A lying bore'.
XANDER: Ohhh.
--Karla - (realizing)
BUFFY: (as Karla) Oh, God... I'm making a horrible career move by being in this piss-poor movie.
--...Today's July fourth.
BUFFY: (as Karla) And that too.
--Will goes to comfort Julie --
Julie -
I'm not dying on this island, Will. (louder) Do you hear me?
SPIKE: Of course he does, he's right there, you stupid bint!
--Julie shouts into the darkness.
Julie - (cont'd)
You want me, Ben Willis? Come and get me. I'm right here.
XANDER: Likes to yell, doesn't she?
--She kicks over her headstone --
WILLOW: (as Estes) Hey, quit that! I'm the one who has to clean this crap up!
--Julie - (cont'd)
My grave stays empty!
WILLOW: (as Julie) ...well, you know, for now. Obviously someday I'll die, but... for now it stays empty! Ha!
--She looks defiantly down the path.
XANDER: (as Julie) So there! Nyah!
--Karla -
Julie, the boats are gone, the phones are down. There's no way off this place.
Julie -
Then, we fight --
BUFFY: (as Julie, singing) ...for our right! To paaaaaaaaaar-tay!
--Will looks around. Estes is gone.
Will -
Where'd Estes go?
Tyrell -
What is up with that
WILLOW: (as Tyrell) ...hairdo Estes has? Did ya see the blue spikes and the pink swirls?
--weirdo?
Will -
I'll go find him.
Karla -
Why? He can't help us.
SPIKE: (as (Karla) ...get to Funky Town.
WILLOW: Can't tell we're nearing the end of this stupid thing.
XANDER: Nope.
BUFFY: Not at all.
--Will -
He's probably the only one who can help us.
Tyrell -
I'll come with you.
Karla -
Are you crazy? We're not staying here on our own.
BUFFY: (as Karla) We might wander off, or get lost.
WILLOW: (as Julie) Someone might kidnap us... we're not old enough to be on our own.
BUFFY: (as Karla) We'll cry.
WILLOW: (as Julie) And pout.
--Will -
It's okay. He couldn't have gone far. I'll catch up with you later.
Will disappears into the darkness.
XANDER: (as Julie, gasps) It's magic! (as himself, to the others) Getting old yet?
SPIKE: Only after the first two times.
--Karla -
Maybe we should just wait here? Hide in a tree?
ALL: ... sure.
--Tyrell -
I'm not hiding up no tree. (to Julie) I'm with her. Let's arm ourselves to the teeth and kick this psycho's butt.
CUT TO:
INT. HOTEL KITCHEN - NIGHT
They move cautiously into the kitchen. Blue emergency lights flicker above them. It's a big room with plenty of nooks and crannies for somebody to be hiding in.
XANDER: (as Julie) Go away, Karla, this is my cranny. Find your own!
BUFFY: (as Tyrell) Go away, Karla, this is my nook. Find your own!
--Tyrell picks up a couple of different knives. He hefts them in his hand.
WILLOW: ...accidentally dropping them on his foot, sending him reeling backwards, knocking over Julie, who crashes into Karla, who hits the stove, which turns on. Her breath blows out the flame, and they all pass out. Later, when Will comes back to find them, he lights a match and blows them all up. The end!
OTHERS: Nice.
--Tyrell -
What I need is a gun. Not a steak knife.
Karla grabs a paring knife --
Tyrell - (cont'd)
You gonna clean vegetables? You gonna stir-fry? You need something that'll get his attention.
SPIKE: (Karla, punches Ty in the face) How's that? Will that work?
BUFFY: (as Tyrell) Mnphh... mphhnm.
SPIKE: (as Karla) I'll take that as a yes.
--He picks up a huge butcher's knife and cuts the air with it.
XANDER: (as air) Ow.
--He then roughly empties other drawers looking for more weapons.
Karla looks to Julie, something on her mind. Julie catches the look.
WILLOW: (as Julie) Got your look!
--Karla - (hurt)
I'm your best friend...You could have told me the truth about what happened. I would've understood.
WILLOW: (as Karla) Do you really think I'd care that you killed a man, dumped his body in the water, and then realized he was still alive, and dumped him anyway?
BUFFY: (as Julie) I'm so sorry, Karla... I'll be sure to tell you the next time I kill someone.
--Julie - (sad)
Karla, I just wanted the whole thing to be over. I didn't want to involve anybody else.
Karla -
It's too late for that.
Julie steps over to Karla.
SPIKE: ...and slugs her. (as Julie) Bitch.
--Julie -
I'm so sorry. I brought this on everyone. It's my fault.
ALL: Duh!
--Tyrell picks up on the mood swing. He moves closer to them.
XANDER: (as Tyrell) Come here, ladies... group hug. Aww, there we go. Now group kisses... right. Now group sex.
SPIKE: (snorts with laughter)
--He's sympathetic.
Tyrell -
Forget that. You didn't do nothing. This fisherman's a piece of scum. (hard for him to admit) I should've been listening to you...I'm sorry.
Julie smiles for a second.
BUFFY: ...then shoves her knife into Tyrell's stomach. (as Julie) Jerk.
--Tyrell - (cont'd)
Now, let's take a look at the pantry.
Karla -
You think that's a good place to hide?
Tyrell -
I don't know, but I'm starving.
XANDER: See? I'm not the only one who eats when they're nervous.
--CUT TO:
EXT. BEACH - NIGHT
Will runs from the trees and finds himself by an old house. He sees Estes by the ocean, near a boat.
WILLOW: ...with a fish, by the sea, on the sand, around a beach.
--Will -
Hey Estes. (beat) Estes? Where'd you go?
BUFFY: Will's a bright one.
--Estes doesn't answer right away -- he keeps his back to Will.
Will - (cont'd)
You abandoning us? How come you didn't tell us you had a boat?
BUFFY: (as Estes) Because I don't like you. You're a bunch of snotty kids.
--Estes picks up the boat's oar. He speaks low, almost inaudibly.
Estes -
This has to end. Now.
SPIKE: (as Estes) No more Backstreet Boys, no more N'Sync... it ends now.
OTHERS: YAY!
--Will -
What -- ?
SPIKE: (as Estes) I said...
--Estes swings the oar, cracking Will's head hard.
ALL: Yeah!
--SMASH CUT TO:
INT. HOTEL KITCHEN - NIGHT
Tyrell, Julie, and Karla approach the pantry -- a huge steel door.
WILLOW: The pantry is a huge steel door?
XANDER: Bet it doesn't keep the food too fresh.
--INT. HOTEL KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
Tyrell steps inside.
Tyrell -
Steel door...Food...Perfect.
He starts looking for something to eat --
XANDER: (as Tyrell) Nutterbutters... limburger cheese, tofu. Mmm, sounds like a sandwich to me.
--CLANK. There's a soft CLATTERING from somewhere in the room. Everyone freezes, staring into the darkness.
BUFFY: (as director) All right! That's it! Arnold, get your big ole Austrian butt out of here now! Go... shoo, leave.
XANDER: (as Arnold) Fine! But... I'll be back.
--Tyrell puts a finger to his lips, then creeps down an aisle,
listening. There's nothing but SILENCE.
He moves toward the first aisle...He jumps out. The aisle is empty.
JULIE AND KARLA move down an aisle behind him.
Tyrell ducks around to the second aisle. He slices the air,
XANDER: (as air) Ow.
--ready to pounce. This aisle is empty.
JULIE AND KARLA nervously move another aisle down.
WILLOW: (as Julie, whispering) I don't see any sign of Mr. Whipple. How about you? Any sign of Madge?
BUFFY: (as Karla, whispering) No, no sign of her... but there's Martha Raye, and she's gaining on us!
--Tyrell moves stealthily toward the third aisle...This is it. He lunges forward into the row...Empty, also.
There's a small SOUND...A MOUSE scampers off under the shelves. Tyrell turns and smiles at Karla and Julie --
Tyrell -
It's just a --
SPIKE: (as Tyrell) ...serial kill with a huge, bloody hook scampering around. Don't worry about it.
--A ROLLING PIN bashes him on the back of the head.
ALL: Yay!
--Tyrell hits the floor, unconscious.
JULIE AND KARLA SCREAM
ALL: AHHH!
--Karla -
Ty!
A DARK FIGURE jumps down from the shelves. Tyrell puts his arms up --
XANDER: Wow, that's quite the animated unconscious person there.
--Tyrell - (yelling for mercy)
Don't kill me --
WILLOW: (as Tyrell, as Chef) ...make sweet love to me.
--Julie -
Wait, it's Nancy --
Nancy, the bartender steps out of the shadows brandishing her rolling pin.
XANDER: (as Nancy) Time to make the donuts.
--CUT TO:
INT. HOTEL KITCHEN - NIGHT
Tyrell stands at the sink, where Karla holds a towel full of ice to his head. Nancy, the bartender, looks on apologetically.
Nancy -
I'm sorry, but you could've been the one doing all of this --
BUFFY: (as Julie) Oh, we are... die, Nancy! Die!
--Tyrell -
And so could you -- crazy fool.
WILLOW: (as Nancy) Oh, I am... die, everybody! Die!
--Nancy -
You stumbled into my hiding place.
Tyrell -
Must have missed the sign.
Nancy -
Excuse me, but this island didn't have a murder rate until you people showed up. (chilled) I've never seen
SPIKE: (as Nancy) ...Estes shirtless before... it was really kinda gross.
--a dead body before.
Julie -
Get used to it.
Nancy -
Who's doing this?
Tyrell - (friendly)
Don't even get her started...
XANDER: (as Tyrell) ...she keeps raving about a big purple dinosaur that hangs around kids all day singing sappy songs. Just ignore her... that's what we do.
--It's a long, long story and you probably wouldn't believe a word of it.
Tyrell moves as he talks,
WILLOW: (as Julie, gasps) How do you do that, Tyrell? I can't walk and move at the same time. I fall down.
--fed up and exhasted.
WILLOW: I get exhasted a lot these days... I'm gettin' older and stuff... but I'm not going to worry about it until I start getting exhausted.
--He crosses past the stove and under a huge hanging rack of pots and pans.
Tyrell - (cont'd)
I mean, all I know for sure is this is the worst vacation of my life...I'm tired, and I'm hungry, and I personally haven't seen one damn psycho killer...
THWACK! A STEEL HOOK sinks deep into the base of Tyrell's shaved skull, a look of abject surprise on his face.
SPIKE: (as Julie) Hey, Ty! There's a psycho killer behind you. Made you look!
XANDER: (as killer) Excuse me, I prefer the term, 'Sanely Challenged', thank you very much.
--The women freeze as Tyrell dances like a marionette before being
hoisted up and hung on the rack like a used saucepan.
THE FISHERMAN is in the vent above the stove. He stares out at them from the hood of his slicker.
BUFFY: (as killer) Peek-a-boo! I see you...
--Ben jumps from the range onto the floor. Karla is in shock. Julie yanks her
WILLOW: ...arm, ripping it out of her socket. (as Julie) Oops! Tee hee.
--and they flee.
As she goes, Julie picks up A LOOSE KNIFE and hides it in her back pocket.
BUFFY: (as Julie, running away) Ow... ow... ow... ow... poking my butt... ow... ow... ow... ow.
--CUT TO:
EXT. OFFSHORE ON FERRY - NIGHT
Ray pilots the boat through the dark, choppy water.
SPIKE: ...then accidentally runs into the shore, and drowns. Aww. The end.
--He's navigating by compass, maps spread before him. He sees something off the bow --
WILLOW: (as Ray, singing) I hate you, you hate me, we're a dysfunctional family, with a punch and a smack, and a hit from me to you, I can't stand that purple goo. (no longer singing) Hey, what-- ahhhh! Barney, no!
--A BOAT drifting on the fast sea. The words "Tower Bay" are painted on the side. Ray pulls alongside and discovers the boat is empty.
He reaches for the radio.
BUFFY: (as Ray) Um, hello? Someone? Hi, um, yes, I found an empty boat that needs help, stat!
--Ray - (into radio)
Come in...This is Summer Breeze
BUFFY: (fake laughing) Oh, ha ha, another in-joke. The song Summer Breeze was in the first movie, and on the soundtrack. Get it? Get it?
OTHERS: (laugh pathetically)
--requesting emergency assistance for Tower Bay island. I repeat...This is Summer Breeze...
Ray guns the boat away.
WILLOW: (as Ray) Ooo, look, shiny things!
--SMASH CUT TO:
INT. HOTEL FOYER - NIGHT
Julie, Karla, and Nancy run into the lobby.
SPIKE: ...and then, after recovering from multiple contusions and concussions, they open the doors and run through them instead.
--The storm is WAILING outside the front doors.
BUFFY: (as storm) WAAAH! I don't wanna be in this movie! WAAAH!
--They pause for a second. Behind them we hear the rapid THUD-THUD-THUD of Ben's boots.
XANDER: (as Ben) Ah, hell, hold on a sec, guys, I need to tie my boots.
--Nancy goes straight to a desk and pulls out a flashlight. She points to the main staircase.
Nancy -
I know where we can hide.
BUFFY: (as Nancy) ...there are some beds upstairs, we can huddle under them. Come on, let's go!
--INT. HOTEL STAIRCASE - CONTINUOUS
The women run up the stairs. Behind them, we hear Ben's FOOTFALLS
echoing.
XANDER: (as Ben) Ah, Christ, these stupid laces! Be right with you guys. Don't go too far.
--INT. HOTEL CORRIDOR - CONTINUOUS
On the top floor, they race toward the end of a dark hallway.
WILLOW: ...and run smack into it.
SPIKE: (as Julie) Ow.
BUFFY: (as Karla) Ouch.
XANDER: (as Nancy) Damn that hurt.
--At the far end of the hall, Nancy illuminates a section of the
ceiling.
BUFFY: ...with her handy-dandy laser eyes.
XANDER: (pouts) I still want some of those.
--Nancy -
Give me a boost up --
Julie helps Nancy reach a pull cord in the ceiling.
A WOODEN LADDER pulls down.
XANDER: ...smacking her in the head.
WILLOW: (as Nancy) Ow.
--Nancy quickly climbs up.
SPIKE: ...pulling the ladder up with her, stranding the others downstairs.
BUFFY: Sounds like something you'd do, Spike.
SPIKE: (innocently) Me? Never.
--BEN WILLIS enters the hallway and continues toward them.
XANDER: (as Ben) Ah, there you are. Thought I'd never get these stupid laces tied... I almost lost you. Now, where were we? Oh, right, the killing. Die, Julie! Die!
--ON THE LADDER Karla slips, nearly knocking Julie to the floor. They both scramble upwards --
Ben hits the ladder --
WILLOW: ...with a piece of silly string and a feather.
--Just as Julie reaches the top rung she SCREAMS --
ALL: AHHH!
BUFFY: (yelling) Why are we screaming? AHHH!
WILLOW: I don't know! AHHH!
BUFFY: Ok! AHHH!
--BEN'S HOOK IS ON HER FOOT!
ALL: AHHH!
SPIKE: Oh, wait, that's a good thing.
XANDER: You're right, Martha Stewart, it is a good thing.
SPIKE: (to Xander) Call me Martha Stewart again, and I will withstand however much pain I need to withstand to kill you.
WILLOW: And I'll help.
BUFFY: Ditto. Martha's way evil-er than Spike.
--Nancy appears in the opening and throws a brick down at Ben.
XANDER: Um, show of hands, how many people have bricks in their attics?
OTHERS: ...
XANDER: That's what I thought.
--It hits him in the chest and knocks him back.
WILLOW: Well of course, plot contrivances usually do.
--Julie makes it into the attic.
WILLOW: I hope so, otherwise that whole plot contrivance was for nothing.
--They pull the ladder up behind them like a drawbridge.
XANDER: Halt! Who goes there?
INT. HOTEL ATTIC - NIGHT
Julie, Karla, and Nancy surround the hatch they've just shut. They fumble with it --
WILLOW: (as announcer) It's the first and ten, not much time left in this game. Can our heroes pull off a miracle, or will they dash their hopes on the field along with so many other losers?
--Julie -
There's no way to lock it.
XANDER: Well, damn the builders for not realizing serial killers could be attacking poor, helpless, defenseless women in there.
BUFFY: (to Xander) You like saying that don't you? The helpless thing?
XANDER: Makes me feel all manly.
--Karla -
What do we do?
BUFFY: (as Julie) Guess we die.
--From below comes LAUGHTER. There's a tug on the hatch, cracking it open. The girls pull it back shut, but it's hard to get a grip.
There's more tugging, the hatch bending down; they can see Ben. Then, the rope SNAPS. The hatch slams shut.
Nancy -
There's no way to grip this thing.
Suddenly the STEEL TIP of the HOOK pokes through the crack...
SPIKE: (as Ben) Here, let me help you with that.
--It wriggles around...Turning...And begins to pull the hatch down.
They try to hold it...But it's no use. They let go and jump away.
The attic is lit by a cathedral window. It's crosshatched with wooden beams and pink insulation.
XANDER: (as Julie) Damn you, Pink Panther! You have foiled me for the last time!
--Nancy -
Watch your step...
THUNK!
BUFFY: (as Nancy, exasperated) I told you to watch your step, Julie!
WILLOW: (as Julie) I did. I watched as I tripped and went flying into that wooden beam.
--Karla's foot goes through a gap between two beams.
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. HOTEL - KARLA AND TYRELL'S ROOM - NIGHT
KARLA'S FOOT dangles through the ceiling.
SMASH BACK TO:
INT. HOTEL ATTIC - NIGHT
XANDER: Ahh! Rapid scene change. Make it stop!
--Julie helps Karla back up onto a beam.
Nancy - (cont'd)
Stay on the beams!
SPIKE: (as Karla) Gee, thanks, Nancy, I was planning on stepping off again... whew! Thank God you were here to set me straight.
--Karla and Julie follow her precarious progress.
Ben climbs off the ladder to a beam. He watches them leap from beam to beam. His hook glints in the light.
Julie, Karla, and Nancy move toward the cathedral window. They turn. They are cut off. They spread out against the wall
XANDER: (as Julie) Quick! Press back against the wall, and close your eyes! If you can't see him, he can't see you!
--looking for an opening to get back to the hatch.
Ben feints toward Nancy then swipes at Julie --
He misses. She leaps away. She looks down. Instead of insulation, she sees a WINDOW INTO THE HONEYMOON SUITE. She sees her bed through a one-way mirror. Julie stares, momentarily transfixed.
BUFFY: (as Julie) Wow, look at that couple going at it like wild-- Will? Ray?
--Karla is edging her way around the side of Ben.
Ben - (re: the mirror)
You'd be amazed by what you'd see. My wife with every man on the
island, for example. (to Julie) And you, sexy...I loved watching you.
XANDER: (as Ben) ...as you scratched you butt, and picked your nose.
--Julie -
You sick freak.
XANDER: (as Ben) Me? Hey, I'm not the one who danced around the room singing Britney Spears songs... you freak!
--Ben suddenly whirls and lunges at Karla. He grabs her, but they both lose their balance, teetering for a moment on one of the beams, before falling --
ALL: Yay!
--They CRASH through the mirror --
ALL: Yay!
--INT. HOTEL - KARLA AND TYRELL'S ROOM - NIGHT
Karla and Ben hit the bed in a rain of glass.
Karla bounces to her feet and dives out of the way as Ben swings his hook.
ALL: Boo! Hiss!
--EXT. ROOM BALCONY - NIGHT
Karla backs onto the porch. She backs up against the railing.
SPIKE: (chanting) Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump.
--CUT TO:
EXT. ATTIC WINDOW - NIGHT
Julie and Nancy reach the CATHEDRAL WINDOW. They open it and look out.
SPIKE: (chanting) Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump.
--EXT. ROOM BALCONY - JULIE'S POV - NIGHT
and Ben advancing toward Karla, whose back is against the railing.
Karla looks behind her, sees THE GLASS ROOF OF THE ORCHID HOUSE which doesn't look nealy strong enough to suppor her.
WILLOW: (laughs, then falls silent)
XANDER: (to Buffy) We've lost her.
BUFFY: (reaches past Spike to pat Willow's knee) She'll be fine in a bit. I hope.
SPIKE: (laughs at Willow)
--Ben advances, swining the hook.
WILLOW: (giggling) Swining...
--Karla leaps over the railing and onto the glass.
ALL BUT WILLOW: Yay!
--EXT. GREENHOUSE ROOF - NIGHT
Karla keeps a wary eye on Ben as she gingerly backs up on the glass.
SPIKE: Damn, can't this girl die?
WILLOW: (giggles) Supergirl.
SPIKE: O_O
--The GLASS begins CRACKING, subtle crack lines splintering out from her footsteps.
Ben lunges and swipes at her with his hook.
Karla leans away from the attack and loses her balance, slipping onto her back on the glass.
She lifts her head. Starts to move...CRACK.
SPIKE: (anticipating) Yes...
--The glass is fracuring
WILLOW: (sniggers) I fracured my arm when I was five.
--beneath her. She looks through the glass.
KARLA'S POV - THE ORCHIDS BELOW
She tries to slide toward a support...The glass CREAKS and MOANS as she moves across the room.
SPIKE: (anticipating) Yes...
--Karla - (to herself)
Oh, god, no --
XANDER: (as Karla) ...please don't let that be Ray I see down there. Anyone but Ray.
--She's almost to the support when
THE ROOF EXPLODES taking Karla down into the orchid house.
SPIKE: Yes!!!!
WILLOW: Scoooore!
--INT. ORCHID HOUSE - NIGHT
The roof shatters in an explosion of flying glass. Karla land
BUFFY: Karla land... is that like Disneyland?
--on her back.
She's unconsious --
SPIKE: One would hope so. Unconscious with death preferably.
WILLOW: It'd probably be better if she was unconscious, rather than unconsious... probably.
--CUT TO:
INT. ATTIC WINDOW - NIGHT
Julie and Nancy look at the empty space which once was a roof
supporting Karla --
Julie - (screaming)
Karla!
Ben turns and looks up at Nancy and Julie. Then, he sprints from the balcony.
XANDER: ...winning first place in the fifty-yard dash.
--Julie and Nancy duck back into the attic.
WILLOW: Quack.
BUFFY: (frowns) Willow, you ok?
WILLOW: (nods) Uh-huh. Peachy keen.
--CUT TO:
INT. HOTEL CORRIDOR - NIGHT
Julie and Nancy climb down into the hallway. They are cautious,
expecting Ben at every turn.
XANDER: ...not realizing that Ben has a short attention span. Not to mention, he's already left the island to go kill more interesting people.
--INT. HOTEL LOBBY - NIGHT
They hurry across the lobby.
CUT TO:
INT. ORCHID HOUSE - NIGHT
A sprawling, steam-filled room, dense with vegetation of all sorts and shelf after shelf of beautiful orchids.
Karla lies unconscious. Slowly, she opens her eyes.
SPIKE: What is she, immortal or something? Die already, Christ.
--There's a rustling in the flowers. She tries to get up, but can't yet. She waits in terror as BIRDS fly up and out of the hole she's made in the roof.
WILLOW: Ahh! The Birds! Alfred Hitchcock, no!
--Karla tries to stand and her leg gives way. She tests her knee --
BUFFY: (as Karla) Now, knee... what is two times two? Who's the president? How many fingers am I holding up?
--Karla -
Oww...
Karla starts hobbling. She reaches the door -- it's locked from the other side.
There is a thick glass window set in the middle of the door.
XANDER: ...so it's a glass door? And that was hard to say, why?
--The cranes startle again, something upsetting them. Karla spins to look. Nothing.
CUT TO:
INT. HOTEL/ORCHID HOUSE - NIGHT
Julie and Nancy arrive at the door. Karla pounds on the other side -- points to the lock.
WILLOW: (as Karla) Look, shiiiiiny!
--Karla -
It's locked!
Nancy sees a KEY RING by the door.
XANDER: The hotel just leaves key rings all over for anyone to pick up and use?
SPIKE: Sure.
--Nancy -
It's gotta be one of these.
Nancy tries the first of many keys. Something catches Julie's eye. She moves in for a closer look. Her eyes go wide --
ORCHID HOUSE - JULIE'S POV
A powerful BOLT OF LIGHTNING cracks. Fills the room with a pulse
WILLOW: It's alive! Alive!
--of bright light. BEN IS STANDING INSIDE AND HE'S HEADING STRAIGHT FOR KARLA.
XANDER: Ok, ok! No need to yell it.
--Julie - (terrified)
He's inside.
WILLOW: (singing) The lunatic is in my head.
--Karla spins. Sees him. Her terrified scream blends with the cranes, now SHRIEKING VIOLENTLY.
Karla -
Please! Hurry!
SPIKE: (as Nancy, laughs) Nope, sorry, gonna pretty much take my time.
--INT. HOTEL/ORCHID HOUSE - NIGHT
Nancy fumbles with the keys. Drops them. Julie tries to keep calm.
BUFFY: (as Julie, muttering to herself) Calm down... find inner peace. Breathe in... breathe out... scream in... scream out...
--Julie -
Come on...
INT. HOTEL/ORCHID HOUSE - NIGHT
Ben closes fast, slicing the tops off orchids as he goes. He skewers a bud on the tip of his hook.
XANDER: (as Ben) Die, flowers! Die!
WILLOW: (as Karla) Oh, my, God! He's massacring the flowers... I think I'm gonna puke.
--Karla pounds on the door.
Karla - (frantic)
Hurry!
SPIKE: If she doesn't die this time--
XANDER: Yeah, she's got more lives than a house full of cats.
--Nancy fumbles for the right key but the lock is old.
Julie -
Nancy...
BUFFY: (as Julie) ...while Karla's stuck in there with the killer, and we're trying to free her, but probably won't be able to get her out... I just wanted to tell you... I really don't like you.
--Nancy - (crying)
It's jammed!
The key is stuck.
XANDER: Hey, writer guy, could you possibly drag this out any longer?
--Karla - (through glass)
Come on!!
XANDER: We know how you feel, Karla.
--She's running out of time. Julie sees a FIRE AXE encased in the glass safety box.
Julie - (determined)
No way!!
WILLOW: No way? No way, what? Can she just plain not believe the whole stupid situation? No way is she going to use the axe? What?
SPIKE: No way is she going to let Ben get Karla, Julie's going to kill her first.
BUFFY: I think it means, no way is she going to let this movie end.
WILLOW: (shudders) The Neverending I Still Know What You Did Last Summer.
XANDER: Be afraid. Be very afraid.
--Julie smashes the glass with her elbow. Grabs the axe.
Julie - (to Nancy)
Move!
SPIKE: (as Julie) THUNK! Um, never mind. Sorry, Nancy.
--Julie hammers the door with the axe. Wood splinters. Glass cracks.
Ben is almost on top of Karla now.
XANDER: (as Ben) Gimme a kiss, baby!
--Julie swings. The axe breaks the glass, pulls the frame out. Julie drops the axe. They grab Karla. Pull her through.
SPIKE: (growls)
--Ben swings. The hook rips Karla's shoe, but Julie and Nancy pull her through.
Julie and Ben are face to face. Julie has the axe in her hands. She stares him down.
BUFFY: (as Julie) You look like you need a shave, Ben, come a little closer.
--Julie -
Come on, gimme a shot --
Ben rips off his hook, eyeing Julie.
Karla - (shouting)
Julie, come on.
XANDER: They save her butt for, what? The twentieth time, and she thanks them by yelling at them and ordering them around? How rude.
--They flee. Ben tries the door, realizes it had locked behind him. He can't fit through the circular window. He throws his shoulder against the door. And again. And again.
The door frame starts to give --
WILLOW: ...in to the pathetic-ness that is this movie.
--CUT TO:
EXT. STORM SHELTER - NIGHT
Julie, Karla, and Nancy approach the iron door to the underground
storm cellar. Julie carries the axe.
SPIKE: Feeling a little power happy, Julie proceeds to axe murder Karla and Nancy, then herself. The end!
--Nancy -
It's over there.
They struggle together to open the heavy door.
WILLOW: (as Karla) Unh! Nancy put your back into it... heave.
BUFFY: (as Nancy) I am! Julie's not helping at all.
XANDER: (as Julie) What, and break a nail? No thank you!
--INT. STORM SHELTER - NIGHT
Stairs lead down into darkness. Karla hesitates --
Karla -
I don't know...
WILLOW: (as Karla) ...there might be spiders.
SPIKE: (as Julie) You're right. THUNK! Now you don't have to worry about it. Nancy, you coming or staying?
XANDER: (as Nancy) I'm going! I'm going!
--Julie -
Come on, you can make it.
Julie gets in, pulling Karla in behind her. They pull the door closed behind them.
Nancy -
There's a light somewhere.
BUFFY: (as Nancy) ...somewhere in the world, there's light. I just know it.
--INT. STORM SHELTER - NIGHT
The darkness is complete.
SPIKE: Too bad this movie isn't.
--We hear MOVEMENT.
XANDER: They turn the lights on, and are shocked to find themselves surrounded by legions of zombies. As they're ripped apart and torn to shreds, Julie manages to gasp out, 'I can't die... I'm the Perky Pest of Persia...' then, tragically, the movie ends and we all get out of this house.
OTHERS: (wait expectantly)
XANDER: (shrugs) It was worth a try.
--Karla -
Julie?
Julie -
I'm right here. Grab my hand.
BUFFY: (as Karla) Ew, no! People might get the wrong idea.
--Nancy -
This place has emergency power. Just ease you way down the stairs
and I'll find the light.
Julie -
Okay. I'm at the bottom. Karla, just get my hand.
BUFFY: (as Karla) Ew, no! It's all sweaty and gross feeling.
--Karla -
I'm holding your hand!
Julie -
No, you're not.
Karla -
...Nancy?
WILLOW: (as Nancy) Present!
--Nancy pulls the chain on an overhead bulb. The lights go on,
illuminating THE DEAD CORPSES of Brooks, Derrick, Olga, and Titus -- whose hand Karla is holding.
XANDER: (as Julie) Ewww, you and Titus are dating? Like, nasty, he's so oogie.
--The women SCREAM!
WILLOW/BUFFY: AHHH!
--They muddle together, trying to collect themselves.
BUFFY: (as Julie) Karla, I'll trade you a Tyrell for a Brooks.
SPIKE: (as Karla) Hell, no. I want an Olga and a Brooks for Tyrell.
WILLOW: (as Nancy) All I've got is a Will... don't suppose either of you want him?
BUFFY: (as Julie) Most definitely not.
SPIKE: (as Karla) Not on your life.
--Suddenly, there is a POUNDING on the iron door. They SCREAM.
ALL: AHHH!
--Then, Julie remembers the axe. She motions the others to stay back --
XANDER: (as Julie) It's all right... I've got an axe, and I'm prepared to hold it aloft, and threaten with it. Stay back.
--Julie -
All right --
The iron hatch is slowly opening. Julie gets the axe into possition --
WILLOW: (shakes her head) It's a sad day in the world when a good spell checker goes unused.
--WILL pokes his head through. He's clutching a piece of wood
BUFFY: (as Julie) Hey, Will, who's your friend?
--as a weapon.
XANDER: (as Will) Hey, Julie, trade ya.
--Will -
It's you guys, thank god. Is everyone okay?
They are ecstatic to see him. They bound up the concrete stairs --
Karla -
Help's here. Help's here.
BUFFY: (as Karla) Admittedly it's only Will, and he's only got a piece of wood, probably crumbling driftwood, as a weapon, and he's a big, huge wimp... but he's a man. And men are always much stronger than girls. Yay, help's here.
--EXT. HOTEL WALKWAY - NIGHT
Will is already on the move toward the hotel.
XANDER: (as Will) No, I'm not trying to lose you guys, you just, um, need to walk faster. That's all.
--Will -
Come on. We're gonna be okay.
Julie -
Did you get help?
Will shakes his head. He's walking woozily.
WILLOW: (as ad guy) The new Walking Woozily doll! It walks, it talks, it falls down and bleeds. Kids love it, and you will too! Available at stores that don't carry Martha Stewart stuff. Blood sold separately.
--Julie - (cont'd)
What happened?
Will -
Estes came after me with a gaffing hook.
XANDER: (as director) Cut! Cut! Where's that damn Gaffer? That's the third time this week he's let one of the actors use his tools to try to kill the other actors. He's fired!
--Julie -
He's in it with Willis?
Will -
I guess so.
SPIKE: (as Will) Sixty-year old porters are stronger than they look these days.
--Julie points out that his chest and stomach are covered in blood, too.
Julie -
Your stomach, you're hurt --
Will looks down, clutches himself, and keeps moving.
XANDER: (as Will) Oh, yeah, I forgot for a second. Um, wait... what's my motivation?
--Will -
When I was coming back I saw your slicker friend looking for you guys down by the water.
SPIKE: Why would he look down by the water? That makes no sense.
WILLOW: Yeah, what's up with that?
XANDER: Stupid killer.
BUFFY: ...
--(beat) Let's hurry and get inside...
BUFFY: (as Will) ...so we can dance the Macarena. I love that dance!
--CUT TO:
EXT. BEACH - NIGHT
Ray guns the boat straight up onto the beach. He leaps from the boat.
XANDER: ...trips, falls, hits his head on the boat, knocking himself out, and landing face down in the water, where he drowns.
WILLOW: That was beautiful, Xander.
--CUT TO:
INT. HOTEL BAR - NIGHT
Will slumps down on the bar floor. He's floating in and out of
consciousness. Julie leans over him, concerned.
BUFFY: (as Julie) Will, don't you live on me! You've never given up on anything before in your life... you can do this! Die, Will! Die! Don't you give up and live! Don't you do it!
--Julie -
Oh, my god, you're bleeding to death.
ALL: Yay!
--She looks back towards Nancy --
WILLOW: (as Julie) Nancy, could you hurry him along a bit?
--Julie - (cont'd)
We need a first-aid kit.
SPIKE: (as Julie) Not a problem anymore. I just chopped off his head.
BUFFY: (as Karla) Cool.
--Nancy - (already moving)
I saw one in the lobby.
Karla starts, then hesitates. Will moans, looks at her.
XANDER: (as Will, whines like a puppy) Woof?
--Nancy - (cont'd)
I'll come with you.
Will -
You'll be okay. It's over.
WILLOW: How is it over? The killer's still out there, all they have is Will for protection, and he's half dead.
SPIKE: I guess it's over in the sense that... (shrugs) I got nothin'.
--Karla and Nancy rush from the bar. Julie looks tenderly at Will. He looks back at her. She pulls some hair off his forehead. He smiles weakly.
ALL: (make gagging noises)
--Julie -
Will, just hold on. We'll get you fixed up.
XANDER: (as Julie) If worse comes to worst, I can thread that fishing hook of Ben's and sew you right up.
--CUT TO:
INT. HOTEL LOBBY - NIGHT
Karla and Nancy go to the area near the check-in and behind the desk.
Nancy -
Look up
BUFFY: (as Nancy) ...look down, look all around. Tee hee, I just love doing that.
--there. I'll look over here.
Karla looks behind the desk. Nancy is searching the shelves.
CUT TO:
INT. HOTEL BAR - NIGHT
Julie tenderly searches the area around Will's stomach. She's fussing with the clothes, looking for the wound.
Julie -
You've got blood everywhere, but I can't find the wound.
XANDER: (as Will) Yeah, that's 'cause I just smeared a bunch of blood on myself to make it look like I hadn't gone running off like a chicken. Actually, I hid, crying like a baby, then Estes came and tried to get me to leave, but I didn't want to--there's a serial killer out there, duh!--so, I beat him to death. Realizing how you might see that, I smeared his blood all over me, and came here to get pity, and play the hero.
OTHERS: O_O
XANDER: (chuckles) The end?
OTHERS: (applaud)
--Will takes her head in his hands, looks her in the eye.
Will -
That's because it's not my blood.
XANDER: Ha! I was actually right? Will's a pansy.
WILLOW: Well we always knew that.
SPIKE: But now it's official.
BUFFY: ...
--The slow change in Julie as she realizes...
BUFFY: (as Julie) Oh, my God! I left the stove on at home!
--She starts to run. Will roughly grabs her.
Will - (cont'd)
It's time you woke up, Julie.
SPIKE: Oh... oh... he's got balls after all?
--His voice switches to that of a familiar radio disk jockey.
Will - (cont'd) (as Mark in the Morning)
AND START CONTEMPLATING THE ULTIMATE MAGIC GETAWAY!
SPIKE: Will's a killer... well I'll be.
XANDER: Be what? (imitates a rim shot)
OTHERS: (roll their eyes)
--He drags her out of the bar.
CUT TO:
INT. HOTEL LOBBY - NIGHT
Nancy sees a white metal box sitting on a shelf. She reaches for it...It's a first aid kit.
ANOTHER HAND reaches over and lands on top of her hand.
WILLOW: (soft, hushed voice) Watch as the wild hand flits about, landing on other hands, and feeding off of flowers... it's beauty in it's most basic form.
XANDER: (as Crocodile Hunter) But the wild hand is being stalked by a South African grizzly... oh, crikey! The hand's spotted the grizzly, and is on the move. Now watch as the grizzly gives chase...
SPIKE: Uh-huh.
BUFFY: And we're moving on.
--She jumps and sees Estes right behind her. Karla SCREAMS.
Estes -
Will...He's in on it. He's --
BUFFY: (as Estes) ...currently dragging the Perky Pest somewhere to kill her. Quick, run for your lives in the opposite direction... anything, but for the love of God, don't save her!
--Suddenly Estes's expression changes to surprise, and A SPEAR TIP appears in the front of his chest.
XANDER: I hear spontaneous spear tips can hurt.
--Nancy screams and looks over Estes's shoulder to see BEN WILLIS standing there holding a spear gun.
Estes topples over on top of Nancy, pinning her underneath his dying, convulsing body. Nancy struggles to get loose.
Nancy -
Help me.
BUFFY: (as Nancy) ...take Estes clothes off and put make-up on him. When he wakes up, he'll be so embarrassed.
--Karla rushes to Nancy. She tugs on her arm,
XANDER: ...hoping she'll say one of her trademark phrases... but Nancy seems to be broken. (as Karla) Oh, well, guess I'll have to buy another Nancy Doll.
--trying to pull her free.
The fisherman strides toward them. He raises his hook. He swings at Karla's head.
SPIKE: Ok, this is it. Karla finally gets it. Die. Die.
--THE HOOK CATCHES on a beam. Karla struggle with Nancy.
SPIKE: Oh, come on! How many times can she escape death?
WILLOW: How many times have you escaped with your... un-life?
SPIKE: I'm a vampire. She's human.
WILLOW: Buffy, how many times have you escaped death?
BUFFY: I'm a Slayer. Stronger than the average Karla.
WILLOW: (sighs) Xander?
XANDER: (shrugs)
WILLOW: Fine. No one gets my point... I'm not going to keep trying to prove it. But! I've escaped numerous times... a few at Spike's hands... even once from you Xander.
SPIKE: (to Willow) Xander tried to kill you?
XANDER: (defensively) I was possessed by a hyena!
SPIKE: (laughs) What, the bunnies refused to possess you?
BUFFY: (sighs) Reading...
--Karla -
Come on, come on.
Ben tries to free his hook hand. Karla looks up at him. He calmly puts his foot onto Estes's back and steps down with all of his weight, driving THE SPEAR TIP deep into Nancy
XANDER: Oh, now that was just mean.
SPIKE: Favorite character number--three?--gone.
--who expires with a sigh.
WILLOW: Well, her expiration date was up... says so right there on the bottom of her foot; 07-04-98
--Karla - (cont'd)
Damn you.
ALL: O_O
BUFFY: Karla, watch your mouth! Those are some strong words.
--Karla, blind with rage, attacks the fisherman.
XANDER: (as Karla) Damn you, Gorton's! I hate you and your stupid fish sticks!
--He kicks out with a boot and sends Karla fying onto A GLASS TABLE in the lobby area. The table explodes. Karla is finished.
SPIKE: YES!!!! Hallelujah! She is gone! Dead! Finished! Kaput!
OTHERS: O_O
--The fisherman works his hook free from the post. Karla is unmoving and looks quite dead.
SPIKE: (almost giddy) Well, yeah, what with her being dead and all.
--CUT TO:
EXT. WOOD TRAIL - NIGHT
Will pulls Julie along a muddy path in the rain. He's got her by the hair.
XANDER: (as caveman) Ugh! You my woman. Come to my cave... clean for me.
--She's slipping and falling.
Will -
Look at the bright side, Jules. We finally get to spend some quality time together.
WILLOW: (as Julie) Just what I've always wanted! More quality time with a serial killer. Oh, wait. I had that last year.
--Julie's trying to get to the knife she's stashed in her back pocket.
Julie -
Why are you doing this to me?
BUFFY: Yeah, why are you doing this to her? She's the only one left alive, everyone else on the island is dead, but why are you doing this to her?
WILLOW: Yeah, what is the body count up to now?
XANDER: Um, eight, I think. Derrick, Titus, Olga, Brooks, Tyrell, Estes, Nancy, Karla... that about right?
BUFFY: Close enough.
--Will -
Me, me, me. It's always about you. I'm having bad dreams. I can't
sleep. I'm not doing well in school. I'm having trouble with my boyfriend.
BUFFY: I just said that. In different words, but close enough.
--Julie -
I trusted you.
SPIKE: (sarcastically) Yes, and that's the immediate problem right now. Your broken trust.
--Will -
We had a connection, didn't we? I can tell you one thing, though. Ray didn't trust me. He was right. He's dead, but he was right.
XANDER: Hate to tell you this, Will, but... Ray's still crawling around some place.
--They come into the orchard. They are covered in mud. Julie stumbles again. Goes to her knees. Works the knife free and slashes up at Will. She slices him across the face.
He steps back, feels the blood.
Will - (cont'd)
What'd you have to do that for?
WILLOW: Probably because you're a killer, and she's your next victim? I could be wrong.
BUFFY: I think she just likes men with scars.
--There is a creepy pause. Will stares at his own blood. She catches her breath...Then suddenly, Will knocks the knife from her hand. He lifts her by the hair. Enraged, he puches her
WILLOW: Oh, I hate being puched. It hurts.
--in the face. She goes down.
CUT TO:
EXT. ORCHARD - NIGHT
Will has Julie in a choke hold.
XANDER: Do you smeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell what The Rock is cookin'?!
SPIKE: Hopefully Julie.
WILLOW: Mmm, stewed Julie.
BUFFY: Sounds nummy.
--He drags her toward the open graves. Julie is losing energy, slowly giving up.
SPIKE: And this is a bad thing, why?
--Julie -
...Why?
SPIKE: See? Even she doesn't know.
--Will -
Why?
XANDER: Ok, someone get these people some clues, or a script.
--Come on, Julie. Think. You'll get it. Will Benson -- Ben's son.
ALL BUT BUFFY: Ooo!
XANDER: I didn't see that coming.
WILLOW: Total surprise to me.
SPIKE: Had no idea.
BUFFY: ...saw the movie, remember?
--He shoves her. She falls backward into the arms of Ben Willis.
Will - (cont'd)
Hi, Dad.
XANDER: And I thought my family was dysfunctional.
--Julie WAILS, struggling wildly in Ben's grasp.
Julie -
OMIGOD --
BUFFY: (as Julie) Like, you two totally look like each other! If I didn't know better, I'd think you were twins. And you're both eligible, huh? I could so go for a father/son thing.
WILLOW Buffy. That was worthy of Spike.
BUFFY: I think it's contagious.
XANDER: (to Buffy) Save yourself, Buffy, save yourself before it's too late.
--Ben -
That's my boy.
Ben holds her back to look at her.
SPIKE: (as Ben) Well... you're not too homely, and you do have those big breasts... maybe we could work something out.
--He throws back the hood of his slicker. We see his face clearly for the first time.
Julie -
No, no, no --
XANDER: (as Julie) I've changed my mind... you're hideous. I can't do this, not with you, maybe just with your son though?
--Ben pulls off his hook and strokes Julie's cheek with his stump.
WILLOW: (as Ben) Nah, I think I want a piece of the Perky Pest. (as herself) Ack! Help me, guys! I'm turning into a pervert.
SPIKE: (laughs) You've climbed down here enough times, why don't you stay this time?
WILLOW: No.
--Ben -
Shush, now. No more screaming...No more running. Time to die.
Ray - (v.o.)
Let go of her! Now!
BUFFY: (as Julie, deadpan) Oh, yay, Ray's here. My hero.
--Ben and Will spin to see RAY like the hero from a western, step out from behind a tree.
SPIKE: ...where he'd been watching them torment and torture Julie for a full hour before stepping in to save her.
--Ben starts to laugh. Will joins him.
WILLOW: (as Will) Ha hahaha ha! Hahaha ha... why are we laughing, Dad? Hahaha ha. Hahahah haha ha.
XANDER: (as Ben) Hahaha haha haha! I have no idea! Hahahahahaha haha. Haha. Ha.
--Will -
You gotta be kiddin' me.
Ben -
What're you gonna do, boy? Call us names?
BUFFY: (as Ray) Um, well... yeah. That was my plan. Why? You don't think it'll work? Should I maybe use this gun or something? But... it makes such a loud boom.
--Ray -
Let her go. Now.
Ray raises the .38 caliber handgun. He COCKS the hammer.
Ben doesn't let go of Julie. Lightning fast, he slaps his hook back on and gets the point to Julie's neck.
Ben -
Think about it, boy. You're no killer. (beat) That's my job.
XANDER: (as Ray) Yeah, but you underestimate how much I hate Julie... I'll kill her! I will! Back off!
WILLOW: (as Ben) Ok! Ok! Just don't kill her... wait a second! D'oh!
--Ray hesitates, his finger on the trigger. He does look scared.
Ben takes a step toward Ray. Then another, pushing Julie in front of him. Will moves closer, too.
Ray -
Stop right there.
BUFFY: (as Ben) Nope. We're going to walk you to death.
--Ray's finger squeezing down the trigger.
XANDER: (as Ray's finger) If you ain't got the guts, I'll do it! Wimp!
--Ben -
You don't have it in you.
XANDER: (as Ray) No, but my finger does!
--Suddenly, Will dives for Ray. Ray gets a shot off, tagging Ben in the shoulder. The gun goes flying.
Julie spins and hits Ben in the face. He knocks her into her own
grave...Mud begins to slide in on her. She tries to scramble out.
Will and Ray wrestle, punching each other repeatedly in the face.
SPIKE: What is this? Mud wrestling? Pictures... that's all I'm saying.
XANDER: (eyes Spike) Of Will and Ray?
SPIKE: (smacks Xander in the back of his head)
WILLOW: (to Spike) That was stupid.
SPIKE: (groans, in pain from the chip) Of Julie, you stupid--
BUFFY: (helpfully) Bint?
SPIKE: (sighs heavily) Git. I was going to say, 'git', as one does when talking about a man... well, a male anyway. Definitely not a man.
--Will has Ray down and his hands around his kneck.
WILLOW: Ow! My neck hurts just thinking about his kneck.
--He looks him in the eye.
Will -
We haven't missed you down here, Ray boy. I got to know Julie real well.
XANDER: (as Will) Yessiree... I whined and moaned about everything... moped, and stuff... she was totally digging me. Jealous yet?
BUFFY: (as Ray, laughs and points)
XANDER: (as Will) What? What's so funny? Dad, he's laughing at me! Make him stop!
--Will gets the better of Ray. He's stronger. He yanks him up -- choking him. Ray is begging to check out.
WILLOW: (as Ray) Please, I just stayed a five extra minutes... I didn't mean to. Don't charge me for an extra day. That's the last time I stay at a Motel 6.
--Will - (cont'd)
Think of all the things I'm gonna do to her. (beat) Dad, finish him.
Ben charges toward Ray's back. He pulls back the hook for a roundhouse slashing --
At the last second, Ray dips,
SPIKE: ...Will, does a pirouette, a plié, and skips away on his tiptoes.
OTHERS: O_O
XANDER: That was scary.
SPIKE: (shrugs)
--elbows Will.
THE HOOK goes straight into Will's chest. The fisherman has hooked his own son. Father and son make final eye contact, the son's eyes go blank. Ben stares in shock as Will expires, falling back into the mud.
WILLOW: Oh, yep, now I see it. There's Will's expiration date, same as Nancy's. 07-04-98
--Ben SCREAMS in rage. Ray is tired.
BUFFY: (eyes alight) Random sentences!
SPIKE: (groans) Do we have to?
BUFFY: Yes!
SPIKE: (grumbles some more) Fine. Will GASPS as he dies. Julie is a brunette.
WILLOW: Nancy TALKS as she tends bar. Tyrell is bald.
BUFFY: Olga SINGS as she cleans. Brooks is annoying.
XANDER: Titus SMOKES weed. Estes is into voodoo.
BUFFY: (sighs) It's just not the same anymore. We need to try harder next time!
SPIKE: You were a cheerleader in a previous life, weren't you?
XANDER: Yeah, as in before she came to Sunnydale.
SPIKE: (shakes his head as if he isn't surprised)
--THWACK. Ben begins beating Ray. He puches him.
WILLOW: Again with the puching.
--He straight-arms him with the hook. He knocks him again and again
XANDER: (as Ben) Knock-knock.
BUFFY: (as Ray) Who's there?
XANDER: (as Ben) Knock-knock.
BUFFY: (as Ray) Who's there?
WILLOW: Ok, we get it. Ha ha. Funny.
--and Ray is beaten, giving up...
Ben has Ray against a tombstone. The hook slowly inches toward his eye.
Ben -
Gonna blind you first.
XANDER: Any particular reason...?
SPIKE: Nah, sometimes it's just fun.
XANDER: (leans away from Spike) Oh. Neat.
--The hook is touching the eyelid --
A GUNSHOT rings out. A look of wonder crosses Ben's face.
WILLOW: (as Ben, wonderingly) Wow... what was that loud booming noise and that pain in my back? I should've been using one of those isntead of this stupid hook all this time.
--He slowly turns away from Ray.
JULIE stands behind him holding the gun.
Julie -
Just...Die.
BLAM. BLAM. BLAM. She empties the gun
BUFFY: (as Ray) Um, ow, honey. That hurt... could you try to hit Ben only? Thanks.
--into Ben, who flies backward into Julie's grave.
As he tumbles, Ben releases the dirt stacked beside the grave...
A MUDDY LANDSLIDE slowly covers Ben up.
Ben's face is covering over. His mouth starting to fill with dirt --
Ben -
You can't kill me.
WILLOW: But, since his mouth was full of mud, all they heard was, 'oo an ill ee'.
--His face is completely covered. His mouth still moving.
Ben - (cont'd)
I'll always be with you.
WILLOW: (as Ben) 'I awl ays ee it oo'.
--The dirt covers him. It continues to fill, until just the
GLEAMING METAL HOOK waves futilely out of the dirt. Then, is stops wiggling.
WILLOW: (giggles)
--Julie goes to Ray.
XANDER: It's over? It's finally over? Oh, thank God!
----Breaking up the chapter again.
********
Chapter 6
********
Author: sinecure - My master fic list
Pairing: Buffy, Xander, Spike, and Willow. It's sort of Willow/Spike. They don't actually pair up during this, but they will in later ones. There is some flirting with them, and other things. Very subtle for now.
Rating: R for language and some sexual references.
Genre: Parody, humor.
Summary: An MST-style fic. I stuck Willow, Buffy, Xander, and Spike into a room, and they can't get out. Wanna know more? Read on then, it should clear up some of your confusion... but not much.
Disclaimer: I don't own any show or movie mentioned, or the characters in them. For full disclaimer, see chapter 1 as it's making the heading here huge.
********
********
They stood and stretched, wandering off in different directions. Buffy stretched her back and arms, doing a few squats to relieve the cramping in her legs and the numbness in her ass.
Willow joined her, stretching as well. "Hey." She yawned and slumped against the wall. "Who knew sitting was so tiring?"
Buffy chuckled then caught Spike watching them and rolled her eyes. He was ridiculously predictable. "See, that's why school should be held in swings."
Xander left the room for a few minutes and by the time he returned, they were all ready to get back to it, albeit reluctantly.
********
--CUT TO:
INT. PAULSEN'S BOAT HOUSE - NIGHT
A gear-strewn office. Paulsen watches an episode of Party of Five.
BUFFY: (false laugh) Oh, I get it, ha ha. The Perky Pest of Persia was on that show... isn't that neat? Ha ha.
OTHERS: (laugh falsely)
--There is a loud KNOCKING at the door.
Paulsen -
What the...
WILLOW: (as Paulsen) ... who could that be? I don't know anyone.
--Paulsen slowly gets up. He cracks
SPIKE: ...his head on the shelf above him, and falls over dead. The end.
OTHERS: Yay.
--the door open.
ALL: Aww.
--Ray stands silhouetted against the rain.
Ray -
I need to get to Tower Bay Island.
Paulsen senses something isn't right.
XANDER: (as Paulsen) Something isn't right. I sense that.
--Paulsen -
We're closed.
BUFFY: (as Paulsen) ...to doofuses... es... s.
WILLOW: (to Buffy) Doofuses is right.
--Ray pushes his way in --
Ray -
I need to get there, now.
Paulsen looks at him standing there drenched.
SPIKE: (as Paulsen) Oh, good, you're a guy. I thought you were just a really ugly woman.
--Paulsen -
Did you happen to notice what's going on outside?
Ray pulls out the gun and points it at Paulsen --
Ray -
I'm not looking for a weather report, I'm looking for a
XANDER: (as Ray, effeminately) ...pretty little pink sun dress with spaghetti straps and a pair of matching pumps. Do you have that? Hmm?
--boat. So which one's yours?
CUT TO:
EXT. WOODS TRAIL - NIGHT
Estes, Will, Tyrell, Julie, and Karla walk along a trail through the heart of the island. The storm has abated for a few minutes.
WILLOW: How convenient.
--It's windy, dark, and spooky. The kind of place you'd take people if you wanted to scare them with a classic ghost story. That is just what Estes is doing.
BUFFY: (as Estes) ...so the old woman was forced to leave... (pause for effect) without the half-off black purse.
OTHERS: (gasp in horror)
--Estes -
He worked here for many years. He had a nice family. A pretty wife and two little ones. A boy and a girl. They'd be about your age, now.
XANDER: (as Julie) Ooo! Can we play with them? We don't have very many friends.
--They continue along the path.
Estes looks at them in the dark, slowing for just a second.
SPIKE: (as Estes) Wow! You are all very ugly. Did you know that?
WILLOW: (as Julie) Uh-huh!
BUFFY: (as Karla) Yep!
XANDER: (as Tyrell) Oh, yeah!
WILLOW: (as Will) Definitely!
--Estes - (cont'd)
One day his wife went missing. Maid found blood all over the honeymoon suite -- Room 201.
There are strange NOISES out in the woods.
XANDER: Coo. Coo.
BUFFY: Cock-a-doodle-doo.
SPIKE: Roar.
WILLOW: Moo.
--Estes - (cont'd)
Eventually, they found her body. Pieces. A leg in the swamp. An arm washed up on Three Mile Beach. (beat) And the head they found much later.
SPIKE: (sits forward eagerly) It's killin' time.
--A huge branch is blown from a tree and comes crashing down
WILLOW: ...on Julie's head, killing her instantly.
--through the underbrush, scaring them.
ALL: AHHH!
--Estes calmly steps around it.
BUFFY: (as Estes) Wimps.
--Estes - (cont'd)
Careful --
BUFFY: (as Estes) ...Julie sometimes bites. Don't get too close to her.
--Julie - (softly)
Did he do it?
SPIKE: (as Estes) Well, duh, he had two children, didn't he?
--Estes -
People say she was running around on him. People say he caught her in bed with other men.
WILLOW: (as Estes) People say she ate chicken.
BUFFY: (as Estes) People say he liked shoes.
XANDER: (as Estes) People say he was hairy.
SPIKE: (as Estes) People say she wanted him to dress up in tights, and--
OTHERS: O_O
SPIKE: You guys want me to join in on your little jokes, then I'm doing them my way. Got it?
OTHERS: (shrug)
SPIKE: (as Estes) People say she wanted him to dress up in tights, and hang from the ceiling fan.
--People say a lot of things. (beat) He disappeared, taking the two small ones with him. At least they were never found.
The winding path leads to a small orchard. They hang on his every
XANDER: ...nose hair.
OTHERS: ...
WILLOW: And the randomness strikes again.
--word.
Estes - (cont'd)
We're here.
In the center of the orchard is a cemetery.
They move off the path into the safety of the woods.
BUFFY: Yes, they're completely safe with the strange noises that were coming from there. Here's hoping a wild bear gets them.
WILLOW: Bear? In the Bahamas?
BUFFY: (unfazed) Yep.
--There seems to be activity around the place. It's silent and eerie.
XANDER: Um, isn't that a bit of an oxymoron?
BUFFY: No, it's a paradox.
SPIKE: No it's not, it's irony.
WILLOW: No, it's a contradiction.
--Julie stares, fascinated. She is slowly drawn toward the house.
BUFFY: House? What house?
XANDER: (pointing) That one.
BUFFY: Oh.
--Karla grabs for her arm.
Karla -
Be careful, Julie.
WILLOW: (as Karla) The house might bite you. Bad house! Bad, bad house! Down boy!
--Julie -
I've got to see.
SPIKE: (as Julie) ...if they really did use green wallpaper with orange furniture.
--She leads, they follow, circling the house. Julie rounds a corner of the shack and stops. She sees --
ALL: AHHH!
--TWO TOMBSTONES
BUFFY: Oh, is that all?
--The first stone reads: SARAH WILLIS (birth/death)
The second stone reads: SUSIE WILLIS (birth/death)
Beyond them A FRESHLY DUG GRAVE and the group moves slowly toward it. The headstone, partially obscured by the mound of dirt, comes into view.
BUFFY: Suddenly, a hand breaks through the mound, reaching out for Julie's ankle. It snags her, dragging her toward the hole it's digging out of. As it emerges, the vampire snaps Julie's neck, and drains her dry. The end!
OTHERS: (applaud)
--The third headstone reads:
ALL: Aww.
--Julie James born September 6, 1979 died July 4, 1998
XANDER: Ben knows the date of Julie's birth and death, but not his own wife and daughter's?
--"A Lying Whore"
SPIKE: Well most whores do lie down. It's sort of in their job description... though, of course, lying down isn't a necessity.
WILLOW: ...and we're moving on.
--"A Lying Whore" is scratched with a knife.
XANDER: Why? Did the killer make a mistake, and try to scratch it out?
BUFFY: Yeah, he meant to say, 'A lying bore'.
XANDER: Ohhh.
--Karla - (realizing)
BUFFY: (as Karla) Oh, God... I'm making a horrible career move by being in this piss-poor movie.
--...Today's July fourth.
BUFFY: (as Karla) And that too.
--Will goes to comfort Julie --
Julie -
I'm not dying on this island, Will. (louder) Do you hear me?
SPIKE: Of course he does, he's right there, you stupid bint!
--Julie shouts into the darkness.
Julie - (cont'd)
You want me, Ben Willis? Come and get me. I'm right here.
XANDER: Likes to yell, doesn't she?
--She kicks over her headstone --
WILLOW: (as Estes) Hey, quit that! I'm the one who has to clean this crap up!
--Julie - (cont'd)
My grave stays empty!
WILLOW: (as Julie) ...well, you know, for now. Obviously someday I'll die, but... for now it stays empty! Ha!
--She looks defiantly down the path.
XANDER: (as Julie) So there! Nyah!
--Karla -
Julie, the boats are gone, the phones are down. There's no way off this place.
Julie -
Then, we fight --
BUFFY: (as Julie, singing) ...for our right! To paaaaaaaaaar-tay!
--Will looks around. Estes is gone.
Will -
Where'd Estes go?
Tyrell -
What is up with that
WILLOW: (as Tyrell) ...hairdo Estes has? Did ya see the blue spikes and the pink swirls?
--weirdo?
Will -
I'll go find him.
Karla -
Why? He can't help us.
SPIKE: (as (Karla) ...get to Funky Town.
WILLOW: Can't tell we're nearing the end of this stupid thing.
XANDER: Nope.
BUFFY: Not at all.
--Will -
He's probably the only one who can help us.
Tyrell -
I'll come with you.
Karla -
Are you crazy? We're not staying here on our own.
BUFFY: (as Karla) We might wander off, or get lost.
WILLOW: (as Julie) Someone might kidnap us... we're not old enough to be on our own.
BUFFY: (as Karla) We'll cry.
WILLOW: (as Julie) And pout.
--Will -
It's okay. He couldn't have gone far. I'll catch up with you later.
Will disappears into the darkness.
XANDER: (as Julie, gasps) It's magic! (as himself, to the others) Getting old yet?
SPIKE: Only after the first two times.
--Karla -
Maybe we should just wait here? Hide in a tree?
ALL: ... sure.
--Tyrell -
I'm not hiding up no tree. (to Julie) I'm with her. Let's arm ourselves to the teeth and kick this psycho's butt.
CUT TO:
INT. HOTEL KITCHEN - NIGHT
They move cautiously into the kitchen. Blue emergency lights flicker above them. It's a big room with plenty of nooks and crannies for somebody to be hiding in.
XANDER: (as Julie) Go away, Karla, this is my cranny. Find your own!
BUFFY: (as Tyrell) Go away, Karla, this is my nook. Find your own!
--Tyrell picks up a couple of different knives. He hefts them in his hand.
WILLOW: ...accidentally dropping them on his foot, sending him reeling backwards, knocking over Julie, who crashes into Karla, who hits the stove, which turns on. Her breath blows out the flame, and they all pass out. Later, when Will comes back to find them, he lights a match and blows them all up. The end!
OTHERS: Nice.
--Tyrell -
What I need is a gun. Not a steak knife.
Karla grabs a paring knife --
Tyrell - (cont'd)
You gonna clean vegetables? You gonna stir-fry? You need something that'll get his attention.
SPIKE: (Karla, punches Ty in the face) How's that? Will that work?
BUFFY: (as Tyrell) Mnphh... mphhnm.
SPIKE: (as Karla) I'll take that as a yes.
--He picks up a huge butcher's knife and cuts the air with it.
XANDER: (as air) Ow.
--He then roughly empties other drawers looking for more weapons.
Karla looks to Julie, something on her mind. Julie catches the look.
WILLOW: (as Julie) Got your look!
--Karla - (hurt)
I'm your best friend...You could have told me the truth about what happened. I would've understood.
WILLOW: (as Karla) Do you really think I'd care that you killed a man, dumped his body in the water, and then realized he was still alive, and dumped him anyway?
BUFFY: (as Julie) I'm so sorry, Karla... I'll be sure to tell you the next time I kill someone.
--Julie - (sad)
Karla, I just wanted the whole thing to be over. I didn't want to involve anybody else.
Karla -
It's too late for that.
Julie steps over to Karla.
SPIKE: ...and slugs her. (as Julie) Bitch.
--Julie -
I'm so sorry. I brought this on everyone. It's my fault.
ALL: Duh!
--Tyrell picks up on the mood swing. He moves closer to them.
XANDER: (as Tyrell) Come here, ladies... group hug. Aww, there we go. Now group kisses... right. Now group sex.
SPIKE: (snorts with laughter)
--He's sympathetic.
Tyrell -
Forget that. You didn't do nothing. This fisherman's a piece of scum. (hard for him to admit) I should've been listening to you...I'm sorry.
Julie smiles for a second.
BUFFY: ...then shoves her knife into Tyrell's stomach. (as Julie) Jerk.
--Tyrell - (cont'd)
Now, let's take a look at the pantry.
Karla -
You think that's a good place to hide?
Tyrell -
I don't know, but I'm starving.
XANDER: See? I'm not the only one who eats when they're nervous.
--CUT TO:
EXT. BEACH - NIGHT
Will runs from the trees and finds himself by an old house. He sees Estes by the ocean, near a boat.
WILLOW: ...with a fish, by the sea, on the sand, around a beach.
--Will -
Hey Estes. (beat) Estes? Where'd you go?
BUFFY: Will's a bright one.
--Estes doesn't answer right away -- he keeps his back to Will.
Will - (cont'd)
You abandoning us? How come you didn't tell us you had a boat?
BUFFY: (as Estes) Because I don't like you. You're a bunch of snotty kids.
--Estes picks up the boat's oar. He speaks low, almost inaudibly.
Estes -
This has to end. Now.
SPIKE: (as Estes) No more Backstreet Boys, no more N'Sync... it ends now.
OTHERS: YAY!
--Will -
What -- ?
SPIKE: (as Estes) I said...
--Estes swings the oar, cracking Will's head hard.
ALL: Yeah!
--SMASH CUT TO:
INT. HOTEL KITCHEN - NIGHT
Tyrell, Julie, and Karla approach the pantry -- a huge steel door.
WILLOW: The pantry is a huge steel door?
XANDER: Bet it doesn't keep the food too fresh.
--INT. HOTEL KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
Tyrell steps inside.
Tyrell -
Steel door...Food...Perfect.
He starts looking for something to eat --
XANDER: (as Tyrell) Nutterbutters... limburger cheese, tofu. Mmm, sounds like a sandwich to me.
--CLANK. There's a soft CLATTERING from somewhere in the room. Everyone freezes, staring into the darkness.
BUFFY: (as director) All right! That's it! Arnold, get your big ole Austrian butt out of here now! Go... shoo, leave.
XANDER: (as Arnold) Fine! But... I'll be back.
--Tyrell puts a finger to his lips, then creeps down an aisle,
listening. There's nothing but SILENCE.
He moves toward the first aisle...He jumps out. The aisle is empty.
JULIE AND KARLA move down an aisle behind him.
Tyrell ducks around to the second aisle. He slices the air,
XANDER: (as air) Ow.
--ready to pounce. This aisle is empty.
JULIE AND KARLA nervously move another aisle down.
WILLOW: (as Julie, whispering) I don't see any sign of Mr. Whipple. How about you? Any sign of Madge?
BUFFY: (as Karla, whispering) No, no sign of her... but there's Martha Raye, and she's gaining on us!
--Tyrell moves stealthily toward the third aisle...This is it. He lunges forward into the row...Empty, also.
There's a small SOUND...A MOUSE scampers off under the shelves. Tyrell turns and smiles at Karla and Julie --
Tyrell -
It's just a --
SPIKE: (as Tyrell) ...serial kill with a huge, bloody hook scampering around. Don't worry about it.
--A ROLLING PIN bashes him on the back of the head.
ALL: Yay!
--Tyrell hits the floor, unconscious.
JULIE AND KARLA SCREAM
ALL: AHHH!
--Karla -
Ty!
A DARK FIGURE jumps down from the shelves. Tyrell puts his arms up --
XANDER: Wow, that's quite the animated unconscious person there.
--Tyrell - (yelling for mercy)
Don't kill me --
WILLOW: (as Tyrell, as Chef) ...make sweet love to me.
--Julie -
Wait, it's Nancy --
Nancy, the bartender steps out of the shadows brandishing her rolling pin.
XANDER: (as Nancy) Time to make the donuts.
--CUT TO:
INT. HOTEL KITCHEN - NIGHT
Tyrell stands at the sink, where Karla holds a towel full of ice to his head. Nancy, the bartender, looks on apologetically.
Nancy -
I'm sorry, but you could've been the one doing all of this --
BUFFY: (as Julie) Oh, we are... die, Nancy! Die!
--Tyrell -
And so could you -- crazy fool.
WILLOW: (as Nancy) Oh, I am... die, everybody! Die!
--Nancy -
You stumbled into my hiding place.
Tyrell -
Must have missed the sign.
Nancy -
Excuse me, but this island didn't have a murder rate until you people showed up. (chilled) I've never seen
SPIKE: (as Nancy) ...Estes shirtless before... it was really kinda gross.
--a dead body before.
Julie -
Get used to it.
Nancy -
Who's doing this?
Tyrell - (friendly)
Don't even get her started...
XANDER: (as Tyrell) ...she keeps raving about a big purple dinosaur that hangs around kids all day singing sappy songs. Just ignore her... that's what we do.
--It's a long, long story and you probably wouldn't believe a word of it.
Tyrell moves as he talks,
WILLOW: (as Julie, gasps) How do you do that, Tyrell? I can't walk and move at the same time. I fall down.
--fed up and exhasted.
WILLOW: I get exhasted a lot these days... I'm gettin' older and stuff... but I'm not going to worry about it until I start getting exhausted.
--He crosses past the stove and under a huge hanging rack of pots and pans.
Tyrell - (cont'd)
I mean, all I know for sure is this is the worst vacation of my life...I'm tired, and I'm hungry, and I personally haven't seen one damn psycho killer...
THWACK! A STEEL HOOK sinks deep into the base of Tyrell's shaved skull, a look of abject surprise on his face.
SPIKE: (as Julie) Hey, Ty! There's a psycho killer behind you. Made you look!
XANDER: (as killer) Excuse me, I prefer the term, 'Sanely Challenged', thank you very much.
--The women freeze as Tyrell dances like a marionette before being
hoisted up and hung on the rack like a used saucepan.
THE FISHERMAN is in the vent above the stove. He stares out at them from the hood of his slicker.
BUFFY: (as killer) Peek-a-boo! I see you...
--Ben jumps from the range onto the floor. Karla is in shock. Julie yanks her
WILLOW: ...arm, ripping it out of her socket. (as Julie) Oops! Tee hee.
--and they flee.
As she goes, Julie picks up A LOOSE KNIFE and hides it in her back pocket.
BUFFY: (as Julie, running away) Ow... ow... ow... ow... poking my butt... ow... ow... ow... ow.
--CUT TO:
EXT. OFFSHORE ON FERRY - NIGHT
Ray pilots the boat through the dark, choppy water.
SPIKE: ...then accidentally runs into the shore, and drowns. Aww. The end.
--He's navigating by compass, maps spread before him. He sees something off the bow --
WILLOW: (as Ray, singing) I hate you, you hate me, we're a dysfunctional family, with a punch and a smack, and a hit from me to you, I can't stand that purple goo. (no longer singing) Hey, what-- ahhhh! Barney, no!
--A BOAT drifting on the fast sea. The words "Tower Bay" are painted on the side. Ray pulls alongside and discovers the boat is empty.
He reaches for the radio.
BUFFY: (as Ray) Um, hello? Someone? Hi, um, yes, I found an empty boat that needs help, stat!
--Ray - (into radio)
Come in...This is Summer Breeze
BUFFY: (fake laughing) Oh, ha ha, another in-joke. The song Summer Breeze was in the first movie, and on the soundtrack. Get it? Get it?
OTHERS: (laugh pathetically)
--requesting emergency assistance for Tower Bay island. I repeat...This is Summer Breeze...
Ray guns the boat away.
WILLOW: (as Ray) Ooo, look, shiny things!
--SMASH CUT TO:
INT. HOTEL FOYER - NIGHT
Julie, Karla, and Nancy run into the lobby.
SPIKE: ...and then, after recovering from multiple contusions and concussions, they open the doors and run through them instead.
--The storm is WAILING outside the front doors.
BUFFY: (as storm) WAAAH! I don't wanna be in this movie! WAAAH!
--They pause for a second. Behind them we hear the rapid THUD-THUD-THUD of Ben's boots.
XANDER: (as Ben) Ah, hell, hold on a sec, guys, I need to tie my boots.
--Nancy goes straight to a desk and pulls out a flashlight. She points to the main staircase.
Nancy -
I know where we can hide.
BUFFY: (as Nancy) ...there are some beds upstairs, we can huddle under them. Come on, let's go!
--INT. HOTEL STAIRCASE - CONTINUOUS
The women run up the stairs. Behind them, we hear Ben's FOOTFALLS
echoing.
XANDER: (as Ben) Ah, Christ, these stupid laces! Be right with you guys. Don't go too far.
--INT. HOTEL CORRIDOR - CONTINUOUS
On the top floor, they race toward the end of a dark hallway.
WILLOW: ...and run smack into it.
SPIKE: (as Julie) Ow.
BUFFY: (as Karla) Ouch.
XANDER: (as Nancy) Damn that hurt.
--At the far end of the hall, Nancy illuminates a section of the
ceiling.
BUFFY: ...with her handy-dandy laser eyes.
XANDER: (pouts) I still want some of those.
--Nancy -
Give me a boost up --
Julie helps Nancy reach a pull cord in the ceiling.
A WOODEN LADDER pulls down.
XANDER: ...smacking her in the head.
WILLOW: (as Nancy) Ow.
--Nancy quickly climbs up.
SPIKE: ...pulling the ladder up with her, stranding the others downstairs.
BUFFY: Sounds like something you'd do, Spike.
SPIKE: (innocently) Me? Never.
--BEN WILLIS enters the hallway and continues toward them.
XANDER: (as Ben) Ah, there you are. Thought I'd never get these stupid laces tied... I almost lost you. Now, where were we? Oh, right, the killing. Die, Julie! Die!
--ON THE LADDER Karla slips, nearly knocking Julie to the floor. They both scramble upwards --
Ben hits the ladder --
WILLOW: ...with a piece of silly string and a feather.
--Just as Julie reaches the top rung she SCREAMS --
ALL: AHHH!
BUFFY: (yelling) Why are we screaming? AHHH!
WILLOW: I don't know! AHHH!
BUFFY: Ok! AHHH!
--BEN'S HOOK IS ON HER FOOT!
ALL: AHHH!
SPIKE: Oh, wait, that's a good thing.
XANDER: You're right, Martha Stewart, it is a good thing.
SPIKE: (to Xander) Call me Martha Stewart again, and I will withstand however much pain I need to withstand to kill you.
WILLOW: And I'll help.
BUFFY: Ditto. Martha's way evil-er than Spike.
--Nancy appears in the opening and throws a brick down at Ben.
XANDER: Um, show of hands, how many people have bricks in their attics?
OTHERS: ...
XANDER: That's what I thought.
--It hits him in the chest and knocks him back.
WILLOW: Well of course, plot contrivances usually do.
--Julie makes it into the attic.
WILLOW: I hope so, otherwise that whole plot contrivance was for nothing.
--They pull the ladder up behind them like a drawbridge.
XANDER: Halt! Who goes there?
INT. HOTEL ATTIC - NIGHT
Julie, Karla, and Nancy surround the hatch they've just shut. They fumble with it --
WILLOW: (as announcer) It's the first and ten, not much time left in this game. Can our heroes pull off a miracle, or will they dash their hopes on the field along with so many other losers?
--Julie -
There's no way to lock it.
XANDER: Well, damn the builders for not realizing serial killers could be attacking poor, helpless, defenseless women in there.
BUFFY: (to Xander) You like saying that don't you? The helpless thing?
XANDER: Makes me feel all manly.
--Karla -
What do we do?
BUFFY: (as Julie) Guess we die.
--From below comes LAUGHTER. There's a tug on the hatch, cracking it open. The girls pull it back shut, but it's hard to get a grip.
There's more tugging, the hatch bending down; they can see Ben. Then, the rope SNAPS. The hatch slams shut.
Nancy -
There's no way to grip this thing.
Suddenly the STEEL TIP of the HOOK pokes through the crack...
SPIKE: (as Ben) Here, let me help you with that.
--It wriggles around...Turning...And begins to pull the hatch down.
They try to hold it...But it's no use. They let go and jump away.
The attic is lit by a cathedral window. It's crosshatched with wooden beams and pink insulation.
XANDER: (as Julie) Damn you, Pink Panther! You have foiled me for the last time!
--Nancy -
Watch your step...
THUNK!
BUFFY: (as Nancy, exasperated) I told you to watch your step, Julie!
WILLOW: (as Julie) I did. I watched as I tripped and went flying into that wooden beam.
--Karla's foot goes through a gap between two beams.
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. HOTEL - KARLA AND TYRELL'S ROOM - NIGHT
KARLA'S FOOT dangles through the ceiling.
SMASH BACK TO:
INT. HOTEL ATTIC - NIGHT
XANDER: Ahh! Rapid scene change. Make it stop!
--Julie helps Karla back up onto a beam.
Nancy - (cont'd)
Stay on the beams!
SPIKE: (as Karla) Gee, thanks, Nancy, I was planning on stepping off again... whew! Thank God you were here to set me straight.
--Karla and Julie follow her precarious progress.
Ben climbs off the ladder to a beam. He watches them leap from beam to beam. His hook glints in the light.
Julie, Karla, and Nancy move toward the cathedral window. They turn. They are cut off. They spread out against the wall
XANDER: (as Julie) Quick! Press back against the wall, and close your eyes! If you can't see him, he can't see you!
--looking for an opening to get back to the hatch.
Ben feints toward Nancy then swipes at Julie --
He misses. She leaps away. She looks down. Instead of insulation, she sees a WINDOW INTO THE HONEYMOON SUITE. She sees her bed through a one-way mirror. Julie stares, momentarily transfixed.
BUFFY: (as Julie) Wow, look at that couple going at it like wild-- Will? Ray?
--Karla is edging her way around the side of Ben.
Ben - (re: the mirror)
You'd be amazed by what you'd see. My wife with every man on the
island, for example. (to Julie) And you, sexy...I loved watching you.
XANDER: (as Ben) ...as you scratched you butt, and picked your nose.
--Julie -
You sick freak.
XANDER: (as Ben) Me? Hey, I'm not the one who danced around the room singing Britney Spears songs... you freak!
--Ben suddenly whirls and lunges at Karla. He grabs her, but they both lose their balance, teetering for a moment on one of the beams, before falling --
ALL: Yay!
--They CRASH through the mirror --
ALL: Yay!
--INT. HOTEL - KARLA AND TYRELL'S ROOM - NIGHT
Karla and Ben hit the bed in a rain of glass.
Karla bounces to her feet and dives out of the way as Ben swings his hook.
ALL: Boo! Hiss!
--EXT. ROOM BALCONY - NIGHT
Karla backs onto the porch. She backs up against the railing.
SPIKE: (chanting) Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump.
--CUT TO:
EXT. ATTIC WINDOW - NIGHT
Julie and Nancy reach the CATHEDRAL WINDOW. They open it and look out.
SPIKE: (chanting) Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump.
--EXT. ROOM BALCONY - JULIE'S POV - NIGHT
and Ben advancing toward Karla, whose back is against the railing.
Karla looks behind her, sees THE GLASS ROOF OF THE ORCHID HOUSE which doesn't look nealy strong enough to suppor her.
WILLOW: (laughs, then falls silent)
XANDER: (to Buffy) We've lost her.
BUFFY: (reaches past Spike to pat Willow's knee) She'll be fine in a bit. I hope.
SPIKE: (laughs at Willow)
--Ben advances, swining the hook.
WILLOW: (giggling) Swining...
--Karla leaps over the railing and onto the glass.
ALL BUT WILLOW: Yay!
--EXT. GREENHOUSE ROOF - NIGHT
Karla keeps a wary eye on Ben as she gingerly backs up on the glass.
SPIKE: Damn, can't this girl die?
WILLOW: (giggles) Supergirl.
SPIKE: O_O
--The GLASS begins CRACKING, subtle crack lines splintering out from her footsteps.
Ben lunges and swipes at her with his hook.
Karla leans away from the attack and loses her balance, slipping onto her back on the glass.
She lifts her head. Starts to move...CRACK.
SPIKE: (anticipating) Yes...
--The glass is fracuring
WILLOW: (sniggers) I fracured my arm when I was five.
--beneath her. She looks through the glass.
KARLA'S POV - THE ORCHIDS BELOW
She tries to slide toward a support...The glass CREAKS and MOANS as she moves across the room.
SPIKE: (anticipating) Yes...
--Karla - (to herself)
Oh, god, no --
XANDER: (as Karla) ...please don't let that be Ray I see down there. Anyone but Ray.
--She's almost to the support when
THE ROOF EXPLODES taking Karla down into the orchid house.
SPIKE: Yes!!!!
WILLOW: Scoooore!
--INT. ORCHID HOUSE - NIGHT
The roof shatters in an explosion of flying glass. Karla land
BUFFY: Karla land... is that like Disneyland?
--on her back.
She's unconsious --
SPIKE: One would hope so. Unconscious with death preferably.
WILLOW: It'd probably be better if she was unconscious, rather than unconsious... probably.
--CUT TO:
INT. ATTIC WINDOW - NIGHT
Julie and Nancy look at the empty space which once was a roof
supporting Karla --
Julie - (screaming)
Karla!
Ben turns and looks up at Nancy and Julie. Then, he sprints from the balcony.
XANDER: ...winning first place in the fifty-yard dash.
--Julie and Nancy duck back into the attic.
WILLOW: Quack.
BUFFY: (frowns) Willow, you ok?
WILLOW: (nods) Uh-huh. Peachy keen.
--CUT TO:
INT. HOTEL CORRIDOR - NIGHT
Julie and Nancy climb down into the hallway. They are cautious,
expecting Ben at every turn.
XANDER: ...not realizing that Ben has a short attention span. Not to mention, he's already left the island to go kill more interesting people.
--INT. HOTEL LOBBY - NIGHT
They hurry across the lobby.
CUT TO:
INT. ORCHID HOUSE - NIGHT
A sprawling, steam-filled room, dense with vegetation of all sorts and shelf after shelf of beautiful orchids.
Karla lies unconscious. Slowly, she opens her eyes.
SPIKE: What is she, immortal or something? Die already, Christ.
--There's a rustling in the flowers. She tries to get up, but can't yet. She waits in terror as BIRDS fly up and out of the hole she's made in the roof.
WILLOW: Ahh! The Birds! Alfred Hitchcock, no!
--Karla tries to stand and her leg gives way. She tests her knee --
BUFFY: (as Karla) Now, knee... what is two times two? Who's the president? How many fingers am I holding up?
--Karla -
Oww...
Karla starts hobbling. She reaches the door -- it's locked from the other side.
There is a thick glass window set in the middle of the door.
XANDER: ...so it's a glass door? And that was hard to say, why?
--The cranes startle again, something upsetting them. Karla spins to look. Nothing.
CUT TO:
INT. HOTEL/ORCHID HOUSE - NIGHT
Julie and Nancy arrive at the door. Karla pounds on the other side -- points to the lock.
WILLOW: (as Karla) Look, shiiiiiny!
--Karla -
It's locked!
Nancy sees a KEY RING by the door.
XANDER: The hotel just leaves key rings all over for anyone to pick up and use?
SPIKE: Sure.
--Nancy -
It's gotta be one of these.
Nancy tries the first of many keys. Something catches Julie's eye. She moves in for a closer look. Her eyes go wide --
ORCHID HOUSE - JULIE'S POV
A powerful BOLT OF LIGHTNING cracks. Fills the room with a pulse
WILLOW: It's alive! Alive!
--of bright light. BEN IS STANDING INSIDE AND HE'S HEADING STRAIGHT FOR KARLA.
XANDER: Ok, ok! No need to yell it.
--Julie - (terrified)
He's inside.
WILLOW: (singing) The lunatic is in my head.
--Karla spins. Sees him. Her terrified scream blends with the cranes, now SHRIEKING VIOLENTLY.
Karla -
Please! Hurry!
SPIKE: (as Nancy, laughs) Nope, sorry, gonna pretty much take my time.
--INT. HOTEL/ORCHID HOUSE - NIGHT
Nancy fumbles with the keys. Drops them. Julie tries to keep calm.
BUFFY: (as Julie, muttering to herself) Calm down... find inner peace. Breathe in... breathe out... scream in... scream out...
--Julie -
Come on...
INT. HOTEL/ORCHID HOUSE - NIGHT
Ben closes fast, slicing the tops off orchids as he goes. He skewers a bud on the tip of his hook.
XANDER: (as Ben) Die, flowers! Die!
WILLOW: (as Karla) Oh, my, God! He's massacring the flowers... I think I'm gonna puke.
--Karla pounds on the door.
Karla - (frantic)
Hurry!
SPIKE: If she doesn't die this time--
XANDER: Yeah, she's got more lives than a house full of cats.
--Nancy fumbles for the right key but the lock is old.
Julie -
Nancy...
BUFFY: (as Julie) ...while Karla's stuck in there with the killer, and we're trying to free her, but probably won't be able to get her out... I just wanted to tell you... I really don't like you.
--Nancy - (crying)
It's jammed!
The key is stuck.
XANDER: Hey, writer guy, could you possibly drag this out any longer?
--Karla - (through glass)
Come on!!
XANDER: We know how you feel, Karla.
--She's running out of time. Julie sees a FIRE AXE encased in the glass safety box.
Julie - (determined)
No way!!
WILLOW: No way? No way, what? Can she just plain not believe the whole stupid situation? No way is she going to use the axe? What?
SPIKE: No way is she going to let Ben get Karla, Julie's going to kill her first.
BUFFY: I think it means, no way is she going to let this movie end.
WILLOW: (shudders) The Neverending I Still Know What You Did Last Summer.
XANDER: Be afraid. Be very afraid.
--Julie smashes the glass with her elbow. Grabs the axe.
Julie - (to Nancy)
Move!
SPIKE: (as Julie) THUNK! Um, never mind. Sorry, Nancy.
--Julie hammers the door with the axe. Wood splinters. Glass cracks.
Ben is almost on top of Karla now.
XANDER: (as Ben) Gimme a kiss, baby!
--Julie swings. The axe breaks the glass, pulls the frame out. Julie drops the axe. They grab Karla. Pull her through.
SPIKE: (growls)
--Ben swings. The hook rips Karla's shoe, but Julie and Nancy pull her through.
Julie and Ben are face to face. Julie has the axe in her hands. She stares him down.
BUFFY: (as Julie) You look like you need a shave, Ben, come a little closer.
--Julie -
Come on, gimme a shot --
Ben rips off his hook, eyeing Julie.
Karla - (shouting)
Julie, come on.
XANDER: They save her butt for, what? The twentieth time, and she thanks them by yelling at them and ordering them around? How rude.
--They flee. Ben tries the door, realizes it had locked behind him. He can't fit through the circular window. He throws his shoulder against the door. And again. And again.
The door frame starts to give --
WILLOW: ...in to the pathetic-ness that is this movie.
--CUT TO:
EXT. STORM SHELTER - NIGHT
Julie, Karla, and Nancy approach the iron door to the underground
storm cellar. Julie carries the axe.
SPIKE: Feeling a little power happy, Julie proceeds to axe murder Karla and Nancy, then herself. The end!
--Nancy -
It's over there.
They struggle together to open the heavy door.
WILLOW: (as Karla) Unh! Nancy put your back into it... heave.
BUFFY: (as Nancy) I am! Julie's not helping at all.
XANDER: (as Julie) What, and break a nail? No thank you!
--INT. STORM SHELTER - NIGHT
Stairs lead down into darkness. Karla hesitates --
Karla -
I don't know...
WILLOW: (as Karla) ...there might be spiders.
SPIKE: (as Julie) You're right. THUNK! Now you don't have to worry about it. Nancy, you coming or staying?
XANDER: (as Nancy) I'm going! I'm going!
--Julie -
Come on, you can make it.
Julie gets in, pulling Karla in behind her. They pull the door closed behind them.
Nancy -
There's a light somewhere.
BUFFY: (as Nancy) ...somewhere in the world, there's light. I just know it.
--INT. STORM SHELTER - NIGHT
The darkness is complete.
SPIKE: Too bad this movie isn't.
--We hear MOVEMENT.
XANDER: They turn the lights on, and are shocked to find themselves surrounded by legions of zombies. As they're ripped apart and torn to shreds, Julie manages to gasp out, 'I can't die... I'm the Perky Pest of Persia...' then, tragically, the movie ends and we all get out of this house.
OTHERS: (wait expectantly)
XANDER: (shrugs) It was worth a try.
--Karla -
Julie?
Julie -
I'm right here. Grab my hand.
BUFFY: (as Karla) Ew, no! People might get the wrong idea.
--Nancy -
This place has emergency power. Just ease you way down the stairs
and I'll find the light.
Julie -
Okay. I'm at the bottom. Karla, just get my hand.
BUFFY: (as Karla) Ew, no! It's all sweaty and gross feeling.
--Karla -
I'm holding your hand!
Julie -
No, you're not.
Karla -
...Nancy?
WILLOW: (as Nancy) Present!
--Nancy pulls the chain on an overhead bulb. The lights go on,
illuminating THE DEAD CORPSES of Brooks, Derrick, Olga, and Titus -- whose hand Karla is holding.
XANDER: (as Julie) Ewww, you and Titus are dating? Like, nasty, he's so oogie.
--The women SCREAM!
WILLOW/BUFFY: AHHH!
--They muddle together, trying to collect themselves.
BUFFY: (as Julie) Karla, I'll trade you a Tyrell for a Brooks.
SPIKE: (as Karla) Hell, no. I want an Olga and a Brooks for Tyrell.
WILLOW: (as Nancy) All I've got is a Will... don't suppose either of you want him?
BUFFY: (as Julie) Most definitely not.
SPIKE: (as Karla) Not on your life.
--Suddenly, there is a POUNDING on the iron door. They SCREAM.
ALL: AHHH!
--Then, Julie remembers the axe. She motions the others to stay back --
XANDER: (as Julie) It's all right... I've got an axe, and I'm prepared to hold it aloft, and threaten with it. Stay back.
--Julie -
All right --
The iron hatch is slowly opening. Julie gets the axe into possition --
WILLOW: (shakes her head) It's a sad day in the world when a good spell checker goes unused.
--WILL pokes his head through. He's clutching a piece of wood
BUFFY: (as Julie) Hey, Will, who's your friend?
--as a weapon.
XANDER: (as Will) Hey, Julie, trade ya.
--Will -
It's you guys, thank god. Is everyone okay?
They are ecstatic to see him. They bound up the concrete stairs --
Karla -
Help's here. Help's here.
BUFFY: (as Karla) Admittedly it's only Will, and he's only got a piece of wood, probably crumbling driftwood, as a weapon, and he's a big, huge wimp... but he's a man. And men are always much stronger than girls. Yay, help's here.
--EXT. HOTEL WALKWAY - NIGHT
Will is already on the move toward the hotel.
XANDER: (as Will) No, I'm not trying to lose you guys, you just, um, need to walk faster. That's all.
--Will -
Come on. We're gonna be okay.
Julie -
Did you get help?
Will shakes his head. He's walking woozily.
WILLOW: (as ad guy) The new Walking Woozily doll! It walks, it talks, it falls down and bleeds. Kids love it, and you will too! Available at stores that don't carry Martha Stewart stuff. Blood sold separately.
--Julie - (cont'd)
What happened?
Will -
Estes came after me with a gaffing hook.
XANDER: (as director) Cut! Cut! Where's that damn Gaffer? That's the third time this week he's let one of the actors use his tools to try to kill the other actors. He's fired!
--Julie -
He's in it with Willis?
Will -
I guess so.
SPIKE: (as Will) Sixty-year old porters are stronger than they look these days.
--Julie points out that his chest and stomach are covered in blood, too.
Julie -
Your stomach, you're hurt --
Will looks down, clutches himself, and keeps moving.
XANDER: (as Will) Oh, yeah, I forgot for a second. Um, wait... what's my motivation?
--Will -
When I was coming back I saw your slicker friend looking for you guys down by the water.
SPIKE: Why would he look down by the water? That makes no sense.
WILLOW: Yeah, what's up with that?
XANDER: Stupid killer.
BUFFY: ...
--(beat) Let's hurry and get inside...
BUFFY: (as Will) ...so we can dance the Macarena. I love that dance!
--CUT TO:
EXT. BEACH - NIGHT
Ray guns the boat straight up onto the beach. He leaps from the boat.
XANDER: ...trips, falls, hits his head on the boat, knocking himself out, and landing face down in the water, where he drowns.
WILLOW: That was beautiful, Xander.
--CUT TO:
INT. HOTEL BAR - NIGHT
Will slumps down on the bar floor. He's floating in and out of
consciousness. Julie leans over him, concerned.
BUFFY: (as Julie) Will, don't you live on me! You've never given up on anything before in your life... you can do this! Die, Will! Die! Don't you give up and live! Don't you do it!
--Julie -
Oh, my god, you're bleeding to death.
ALL: Yay!
--She looks back towards Nancy --
WILLOW: (as Julie) Nancy, could you hurry him along a bit?
--Julie - (cont'd)
We need a first-aid kit.
SPIKE: (as Julie) Not a problem anymore. I just chopped off his head.
BUFFY: (as Karla) Cool.
--Nancy - (already moving)
I saw one in the lobby.
Karla starts, then hesitates. Will moans, looks at her.
XANDER: (as Will, whines like a puppy) Woof?
--Nancy - (cont'd)
I'll come with you.
Will -
You'll be okay. It's over.
WILLOW: How is it over? The killer's still out there, all they have is Will for protection, and he's half dead.
SPIKE: I guess it's over in the sense that... (shrugs) I got nothin'.
--Karla and Nancy rush from the bar. Julie looks tenderly at Will. He looks back at her. She pulls some hair off his forehead. He smiles weakly.
ALL: (make gagging noises)
--Julie -
Will, just hold on. We'll get you fixed up.
XANDER: (as Julie) If worse comes to worst, I can thread that fishing hook of Ben's and sew you right up.
--CUT TO:
INT. HOTEL LOBBY - NIGHT
Karla and Nancy go to the area near the check-in and behind the desk.
Nancy -
Look up
BUFFY: (as Nancy) ...look down, look all around. Tee hee, I just love doing that.
--there. I'll look over here.
Karla looks behind the desk. Nancy is searching the shelves.
CUT TO:
INT. HOTEL BAR - NIGHT
Julie tenderly searches the area around Will's stomach. She's fussing with the clothes, looking for the wound.
Julie -
You've got blood everywhere, but I can't find the wound.
XANDER: (as Will) Yeah, that's 'cause I just smeared a bunch of blood on myself to make it look like I hadn't gone running off like a chicken. Actually, I hid, crying like a baby, then Estes came and tried to get me to leave, but I didn't want to--there's a serial killer out there, duh!--so, I beat him to death. Realizing how you might see that, I smeared his blood all over me, and came here to get pity, and play the hero.
OTHERS: O_O
XANDER: (chuckles) The end?
OTHERS: (applaud)
--Will takes her head in his hands, looks her in the eye.
Will -
That's because it's not my blood.
XANDER: Ha! I was actually right? Will's a pansy.
WILLOW: Well we always knew that.
SPIKE: But now it's official.
BUFFY: ...
--The slow change in Julie as she realizes...
BUFFY: (as Julie) Oh, my God! I left the stove on at home!
--She starts to run. Will roughly grabs her.
Will - (cont'd)
It's time you woke up, Julie.
SPIKE: Oh... oh... he's got balls after all?
--His voice switches to that of a familiar radio disk jockey.
Will - (cont'd) (as Mark in the Morning)
AND START CONTEMPLATING THE ULTIMATE MAGIC GETAWAY!
SPIKE: Will's a killer... well I'll be.
XANDER: Be what? (imitates a rim shot)
OTHERS: (roll their eyes)
--He drags her out of the bar.
CUT TO:
INT. HOTEL LOBBY - NIGHT
Nancy sees a white metal box sitting on a shelf. She reaches for it...It's a first aid kit.
ANOTHER HAND reaches over and lands on top of her hand.
WILLOW: (soft, hushed voice) Watch as the wild hand flits about, landing on other hands, and feeding off of flowers... it's beauty in it's most basic form.
XANDER: (as Crocodile Hunter) But the wild hand is being stalked by a South African grizzly... oh, crikey! The hand's spotted the grizzly, and is on the move. Now watch as the grizzly gives chase...
SPIKE: Uh-huh.
BUFFY: And we're moving on.
--She jumps and sees Estes right behind her. Karla SCREAMS.
Estes -
Will...He's in on it. He's --
BUFFY: (as Estes) ...currently dragging the Perky Pest somewhere to kill her. Quick, run for your lives in the opposite direction... anything, but for the love of God, don't save her!
--Suddenly Estes's expression changes to surprise, and A SPEAR TIP appears in the front of his chest.
XANDER: I hear spontaneous spear tips can hurt.
--Nancy screams and looks over Estes's shoulder to see BEN WILLIS standing there holding a spear gun.
Estes topples over on top of Nancy, pinning her underneath his dying, convulsing body. Nancy struggles to get loose.
Nancy -
Help me.
BUFFY: (as Nancy) ...take Estes clothes off and put make-up on him. When he wakes up, he'll be so embarrassed.
--Karla rushes to Nancy. She tugs on her arm,
XANDER: ...hoping she'll say one of her trademark phrases... but Nancy seems to be broken. (as Karla) Oh, well, guess I'll have to buy another Nancy Doll.
--trying to pull her free.
The fisherman strides toward them. He raises his hook. He swings at Karla's head.
SPIKE: Ok, this is it. Karla finally gets it. Die. Die.
--THE HOOK CATCHES on a beam. Karla struggle with Nancy.
SPIKE: Oh, come on! How many times can she escape death?
WILLOW: How many times have you escaped with your... un-life?
SPIKE: I'm a vampire. She's human.
WILLOW: Buffy, how many times have you escaped death?
BUFFY: I'm a Slayer. Stronger than the average Karla.
WILLOW: (sighs) Xander?
XANDER: (shrugs)
WILLOW: Fine. No one gets my point... I'm not going to keep trying to prove it. But! I've escaped numerous times... a few at Spike's hands... even once from you Xander.
SPIKE: (to Willow) Xander tried to kill you?
XANDER: (defensively) I was possessed by a hyena!
SPIKE: (laughs) What, the bunnies refused to possess you?
BUFFY: (sighs) Reading...
--Karla -
Come on, come on.
Ben tries to free his hook hand. Karla looks up at him. He calmly puts his foot onto Estes's back and steps down with all of his weight, driving THE SPEAR TIP deep into Nancy
XANDER: Oh, now that was just mean.
SPIKE: Favorite character number--three?--gone.
--who expires with a sigh.
WILLOW: Well, her expiration date was up... says so right there on the bottom of her foot; 07-04-98
--Karla - (cont'd)
Damn you.
ALL: O_O
BUFFY: Karla, watch your mouth! Those are some strong words.
--Karla, blind with rage, attacks the fisherman.
XANDER: (as Karla) Damn you, Gorton's! I hate you and your stupid fish sticks!
--He kicks out with a boot and sends Karla fying onto A GLASS TABLE in the lobby area. The table explodes. Karla is finished.
SPIKE: YES!!!! Hallelujah! She is gone! Dead! Finished! Kaput!
OTHERS: O_O
--The fisherman works his hook free from the post. Karla is unmoving and looks quite dead.
SPIKE: (almost giddy) Well, yeah, what with her being dead and all.
--CUT TO:
EXT. WOOD TRAIL - NIGHT
Will pulls Julie along a muddy path in the rain. He's got her by the hair.
XANDER: (as caveman) Ugh! You my woman. Come to my cave... clean for me.
--She's slipping and falling.
Will -
Look at the bright side, Jules. We finally get to spend some quality time together.
WILLOW: (as Julie) Just what I've always wanted! More quality time with a serial killer. Oh, wait. I had that last year.
--Julie's trying to get to the knife she's stashed in her back pocket.
Julie -
Why are you doing this to me?
BUFFY: Yeah, why are you doing this to her? She's the only one left alive, everyone else on the island is dead, but why are you doing this to her?
WILLOW: Yeah, what is the body count up to now?
XANDER: Um, eight, I think. Derrick, Titus, Olga, Brooks, Tyrell, Estes, Nancy, Karla... that about right?
BUFFY: Close enough.
--Will -
Me, me, me. It's always about you. I'm having bad dreams. I can't
sleep. I'm not doing well in school. I'm having trouble with my boyfriend.
BUFFY: I just said that. In different words, but close enough.
--Julie -
I trusted you.
SPIKE: (sarcastically) Yes, and that's the immediate problem right now. Your broken trust.
--Will -
We had a connection, didn't we? I can tell you one thing, though. Ray didn't trust me. He was right. He's dead, but he was right.
XANDER: Hate to tell you this, Will, but... Ray's still crawling around some place.
--They come into the orchard. They are covered in mud. Julie stumbles again. Goes to her knees. Works the knife free and slashes up at Will. She slices him across the face.
He steps back, feels the blood.
Will - (cont'd)
What'd you have to do that for?
WILLOW: Probably because you're a killer, and she's your next victim? I could be wrong.
BUFFY: I think she just likes men with scars.
--There is a creepy pause. Will stares at his own blood. She catches her breath...Then suddenly, Will knocks the knife from her hand. He lifts her by the hair. Enraged, he puches her
WILLOW: Oh, I hate being puched. It hurts.
--in the face. She goes down.
CUT TO:
EXT. ORCHARD - NIGHT
Will has Julie in a choke hold.
XANDER: Do you smeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell what The Rock is cookin'?!
SPIKE: Hopefully Julie.
WILLOW: Mmm, stewed Julie.
BUFFY: Sounds nummy.
--He drags her toward the open graves. Julie is losing energy, slowly giving up.
SPIKE: And this is a bad thing, why?
--Julie -
...Why?
SPIKE: See? Even she doesn't know.
--Will -
Why?
XANDER: Ok, someone get these people some clues, or a script.
--Come on, Julie. Think. You'll get it. Will Benson -- Ben's son.
ALL BUT BUFFY: Ooo!
XANDER: I didn't see that coming.
WILLOW: Total surprise to me.
SPIKE: Had no idea.
BUFFY: ...saw the movie, remember?
--He shoves her. She falls backward into the arms of Ben Willis.
Will - (cont'd)
Hi, Dad.
XANDER: And I thought my family was dysfunctional.
--Julie WAILS, struggling wildly in Ben's grasp.
Julie -
OMIGOD --
BUFFY: (as Julie) Like, you two totally look like each other! If I didn't know better, I'd think you were twins. And you're both eligible, huh? I could so go for a father/son thing.
WILLOW Buffy. That was worthy of Spike.
BUFFY: I think it's contagious.
XANDER: (to Buffy) Save yourself, Buffy, save yourself before it's too late.
--Ben -
That's my boy.
Ben holds her back to look at her.
SPIKE: (as Ben) Well... you're not too homely, and you do have those big breasts... maybe we could work something out.
--He throws back the hood of his slicker. We see his face clearly for the first time.
Julie -
No, no, no --
XANDER: (as Julie) I've changed my mind... you're hideous. I can't do this, not with you, maybe just with your son though?
--Ben pulls off his hook and strokes Julie's cheek with his stump.
WILLOW: (as Ben) Nah, I think I want a piece of the Perky Pest. (as herself) Ack! Help me, guys! I'm turning into a pervert.
SPIKE: (laughs) You've climbed down here enough times, why don't you stay this time?
WILLOW: No.
--Ben -
Shush, now. No more screaming...No more running. Time to die.
Ray - (v.o.)
Let go of her! Now!
BUFFY: (as Julie, deadpan) Oh, yay, Ray's here. My hero.
--Ben and Will spin to see RAY like the hero from a western, step out from behind a tree.
SPIKE: ...where he'd been watching them torment and torture Julie for a full hour before stepping in to save her.
--Ben starts to laugh. Will joins him.
WILLOW: (as Will) Ha hahaha ha! Hahaha ha... why are we laughing, Dad? Hahaha ha. Hahahah haha ha.
XANDER: (as Ben) Hahaha haha haha! I have no idea! Hahahahahaha haha. Haha. Ha.
--Will -
You gotta be kiddin' me.
Ben -
What're you gonna do, boy? Call us names?
BUFFY: (as Ray) Um, well... yeah. That was my plan. Why? You don't think it'll work? Should I maybe use this gun or something? But... it makes such a loud boom.
--Ray -
Let her go. Now.
Ray raises the .38 caliber handgun. He COCKS the hammer.
Ben doesn't let go of Julie. Lightning fast, he slaps his hook back on and gets the point to Julie's neck.
Ben -
Think about it, boy. You're no killer. (beat) That's my job.
XANDER: (as Ray) Yeah, but you underestimate how much I hate Julie... I'll kill her! I will! Back off!
WILLOW: (as Ben) Ok! Ok! Just don't kill her... wait a second! D'oh!
--Ray hesitates, his finger on the trigger. He does look scared.
Ben takes a step toward Ray. Then another, pushing Julie in front of him. Will moves closer, too.
Ray -
Stop right there.
BUFFY: (as Ben) Nope. We're going to walk you to death.
--Ray's finger squeezing down the trigger.
XANDER: (as Ray's finger) If you ain't got the guts, I'll do it! Wimp!
--Ben -
You don't have it in you.
XANDER: (as Ray) No, but my finger does!
--Suddenly, Will dives for Ray. Ray gets a shot off, tagging Ben in the shoulder. The gun goes flying.
Julie spins and hits Ben in the face. He knocks her into her own
grave...Mud begins to slide in on her. She tries to scramble out.
Will and Ray wrestle, punching each other repeatedly in the face.
SPIKE: What is this? Mud wrestling? Pictures... that's all I'm saying.
XANDER: (eyes Spike) Of Will and Ray?
SPIKE: (smacks Xander in the back of his head)
WILLOW: (to Spike) That was stupid.
SPIKE: (groans, in pain from the chip) Of Julie, you stupid--
BUFFY: (helpfully) Bint?
SPIKE: (sighs heavily) Git. I was going to say, 'git', as one does when talking about a man... well, a male anyway. Definitely not a man.
--Will has Ray down and his hands around his kneck.
WILLOW: Ow! My neck hurts just thinking about his kneck.
--He looks him in the eye.
Will -
We haven't missed you down here, Ray boy. I got to know Julie real well.
XANDER: (as Will) Yessiree... I whined and moaned about everything... moped, and stuff... she was totally digging me. Jealous yet?
BUFFY: (as Ray, laughs and points)
XANDER: (as Will) What? What's so funny? Dad, he's laughing at me! Make him stop!
--Will gets the better of Ray. He's stronger. He yanks him up -- choking him. Ray is begging to check out.
WILLOW: (as Ray) Please, I just stayed a five extra minutes... I didn't mean to. Don't charge me for an extra day. That's the last time I stay at a Motel 6.
--Will - (cont'd)
Think of all the things I'm gonna do to her. (beat) Dad, finish him.
Ben charges toward Ray's back. He pulls back the hook for a roundhouse slashing --
At the last second, Ray dips,
SPIKE: ...Will, does a pirouette, a plié, and skips away on his tiptoes.
OTHERS: O_O
XANDER: That was scary.
SPIKE: (shrugs)
--elbows Will.
THE HOOK goes straight into Will's chest. The fisherman has hooked his own son. Father and son make final eye contact, the son's eyes go blank. Ben stares in shock as Will expires, falling back into the mud.
WILLOW: Oh, yep, now I see it. There's Will's expiration date, same as Nancy's. 07-04-98
--Ben SCREAMS in rage. Ray is tired.
BUFFY: (eyes alight) Random sentences!
SPIKE: (groans) Do we have to?
BUFFY: Yes!
SPIKE: (grumbles some more) Fine. Will GASPS as he dies. Julie is a brunette.
WILLOW: Nancy TALKS as she tends bar. Tyrell is bald.
BUFFY: Olga SINGS as she cleans. Brooks is annoying.
XANDER: Titus SMOKES weed. Estes is into voodoo.
BUFFY: (sighs) It's just not the same anymore. We need to try harder next time!
SPIKE: You were a cheerleader in a previous life, weren't you?
XANDER: Yeah, as in before she came to Sunnydale.
SPIKE: (shakes his head as if he isn't surprised)
--THWACK. Ben begins beating Ray. He puches him.
WILLOW: Again with the puching.
--He straight-arms him with the hook. He knocks him again and again
XANDER: (as Ben) Knock-knock.
BUFFY: (as Ray) Who's there?
XANDER: (as Ben) Knock-knock.
BUFFY: (as Ray) Who's there?
WILLOW: Ok, we get it. Ha ha. Funny.
--and Ray is beaten, giving up...
Ben has Ray against a tombstone. The hook slowly inches toward his eye.
Ben -
Gonna blind you first.
XANDER: Any particular reason...?
SPIKE: Nah, sometimes it's just fun.
XANDER: (leans away from Spike) Oh. Neat.
--The hook is touching the eyelid --
A GUNSHOT rings out. A look of wonder crosses Ben's face.
WILLOW: (as Ben, wonderingly) Wow... what was that loud booming noise and that pain in my back? I should've been using one of those isntead of this stupid hook all this time.
--He slowly turns away from Ray.
JULIE stands behind him holding the gun.
Julie -
Just...Die.
BLAM. BLAM. BLAM. She empties the gun
BUFFY: (as Ray) Um, ow, honey. That hurt... could you try to hit Ben only? Thanks.
--into Ben, who flies backward into Julie's grave.
As he tumbles, Ben releases the dirt stacked beside the grave...
A MUDDY LANDSLIDE slowly covers Ben up.
Ben's face is covering over. His mouth starting to fill with dirt --
Ben -
You can't kill me.
WILLOW: But, since his mouth was full of mud, all they heard was, 'oo an ill ee'.
--His face is completely covered. His mouth still moving.
Ben - (cont'd)
I'll always be with you.
WILLOW: (as Ben) 'I awl ays ee it oo'.
--The dirt covers him. It continues to fill, until just the
GLEAMING METAL HOOK waves futilely out of the dirt. Then, is stops wiggling.
WILLOW: (giggles)
--Julie goes to Ray.
XANDER: It's over? It's finally over? Oh, thank God!
----Breaking up the chapter again.
********
Chapter 6
********