Urban Legends Are Parodies Too (btvs-mst3k fic)
Title: Urban Legends Are Parodies Too an MST of Urban Legend (3/6)
Author: sinecure - My master fic list
Rating: R
Summary: An MST-style fic Starring Spike, Willow, Xander, and Buffy. I stuck them in a room that's grown into a house, and they can't get out. Wanna know more? Read my first two parodies: I Know What They Parodied Last Summer, and, I Still Know What They Parodied Last Summer. That should clear some things up.
Disclaimer: The movie they're riffing on--Urban Legend--and the shows Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel (in case I mention stuff from there), and Mystery Science Theater 3000, don't belong to me and I make no money off of them.
A/N: This takes place during season 4, sometime in the middle. After Oz leaves, but before Tara comes in. Anya's in the picture, so is Riley. And that's about it I think.
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Stretching didn't relieve Spike's anger, just the soreness in his neck, so he stood up and left the room, not wanting to be around the blasted 'teenyboppers' for another minute. Unfortunately, there was no way to get away from them for long. But while he could remove himself, he would. As far away as possible.
Back in his bedroom he picked his duster up from the bed, balled it up, and threw it across the room. It smacked into the door between his and Willow's room, and plopped to the ground in a black leather heap. It hadn't really helped his anger, and he really couldn't leave the duster there. Not on the floor, all crumpled up. It was a weakness, but he loved the thing. He crossed the room and grabbed it off the floor, shaking it out to remove any possible creases. Laying it on the bed, he caught a glimpse of movement from the mirror on the dresser.
He spun around, examining the entire room. Nothing was out of place. Bed, dresser, two bedside tables, and a table by the door to the hall. And, definitely not anything he'd ever let the Scoobies see... his bookcase full of books. After several failed attempts at getting out of here those first few days, he'd needed something to occupy his time.
"Spike?"
The whispered voice was very quiet, a little hesitant, and all Willow. Spike bit back a groan and turned to the doorway. Whatever she wanted, he would refuse... just on principal. He was, after all, evil, and she needed to remember that.
"What?" he snarled.
"It's torture time again. Buffy and Xander are actually kind of anxious to get back to it." She shrugged and grinned when he turned an incredulous look her way. "Don't look at me. I've seen this movie, and it sucked in the theater... sucks even more in print."
"Fine," he muttered, lighting a cigarette and following her out to the front room. "But if either one of them says one damn word about anything having to do with me, I'll kill them both."
She chuckled, not having the slightest idea that he was dead serious.
********
>EXT. CLEARING
We see Natalie through the windshield.
XANDER: ...picking her nose.
OTHERS: Ew.
>INT. CAR
Natalie puts the sun visor back up. She sighs.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Still hideous.
>EXT. WOODS
Damon finishes urinating.
WILLOW: After that marathon session, I'm surprised he hasn't dried up and blown away. Seems like he's been going forever.
BUFFY: Probably just because of the break.
>He zips up his pants. Suddenly,
BUFFY: ...he screams because he's zipped himself up--
SPIKE: (cringing) Good god, woman, don't you finish that sentence.
XANDER: (hands over his ears) Buffy, for the love of men everywhere... don't say it.
BUFFY: (shrugs) Sorry. Um... didn't mean to--
XANDER: (shakes his head) Let's just move on, 'kay?
BUFFY: (nods) Sure.
WILLOW: Absolutely.
>THE KILLER JUMPS UP BEHIND HIM
WILLOW: ...and does the macarena.
>and throws a rope around his throat!
INT. CAR
Natalie looks around, bored.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Geez, Damon, could you get killed some other time? I'm bored.
>EXT. WOODS
The killer throws Damon to the ground, the rope still around his neck.
INT. CAR
Natalie looks at her watch.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Oh, come on, Damon! Be killed later, I'm late for... something more important than you.
>Natalie -
Okay.
She smiles.
SPIKE: She just remembered she was getting paid for her time, so it wasn't a total loss.
>EXT. WOODS
The killer beats Damon's head into the ground.
SPIKE: Cool, this is getting fun.
>INT. CAR
Natalie looks out into the woods.
EXT. CLEARING
Natalie steps out of the car.
BUFFY: Ok, can we stick to one setting, and one setting only? I'm getting vertigo.
>Natalie - (shouting)
Damon! Shake it and lets go!
WILLOW: Ok, now... was that her giving stage directions? He shakes it and lets go? Otherwise, typo. I'm going with stage directions.
SPIKE: You live in your own little world, don't you?
WILLOW: Often times.
>A noise behind her! Natalie looks behind her to see...
NOTHING!
WILLOW: Oh, my god, it's the Nothing! And it's trying to take over Fantasia. Quick, someone get Atreyu!
SPIKE: O_O
BUFFY: Ooo, The Neverending Story! I love that movie.
XANDER: (nods) Not bad, a little on the sappy/cutesy side, but entertaining nonetheless.
WILLOW: We're going to have to watch it when we get out of... here.
ALL: ...
>Natalie turns back and is face to face with
XANDER: ...puppies.
>THE KILLER!
XANDER: ...or that.
>Natalie screams
BUFFY: ...with joy, and runs to hug the killer. (as Natalie) You killed Damon! Yay!
>and runs around the car to the drivers side. She opens the door and climbs inside.
WILLOW: ...but accidentally falls out the other door. (as Natalie) Drat.
>INT. CAR
Natalie locks the door and begins rolling up the window.
SPIKE: Why? Now the killer can't get her.
XANDER: I kinda think that's the point.
SPIKE: Sucks for us.
>The killer pounds on the window, then moves to the back. Natalie turns the key, and the car sputters. All the warning signals flash.
XANDER: Hmm, imagine that. Guess she shouldn't have turned on the radio.
BUFFY: (to Xander) As you said.
XANDER: (nods) As I said.
>Natalie -
Come on, come on, come on.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Start you stupid car! I really need to listen to the radio.
>EXT. CLEARING
The killer throws a rope over the hitch.
SPIKE: Oh, look at that. A typo.
WILLOW: (frowns) Where?
SPIKE: Hitch starts with a b, not an h.
WILLOW: (chuckles)
>INT. CAR
Natalie -
Damon!
Suddenly, there's a pounding on the roof, like somebody's walking on it. Natalie screams, and continues to try to get the car started. The pounding stops, but in its place is a scratching noise.
Natalie -
Damon!
BUFFY: There she goes again, showing off her extensive grasp of the English language.
>EXT. CAR
The camera slowly pans up to show Damon hanging from a tree, his legs barely touching the roof of the car. His hands are on the noose, trying to loosen its grip. He can barely breathe.
Damon - (weakly)
Natalie, don't start the car.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) But I really, really need to hear the radio. There's a contest, and I wanna win. It's a trip to Tower Bay Island in... the Bahamas!
BUFFY: The Bahamas!
XANDER: Gonna get tropical, baby!
SPIKE: And you're quoting from that crap movie, why? It was horrible.
WILLOW: Well, yeah. It was. But... (shrugs) I've got nothin'.
>He coughs,
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Ew, Damon! You, like, totally spit on me! Get away from me!
>his feet swinging, the tips of them touching the roof.
XANDER: (as Natalie) Ew, Damon! You, like, totally have stinky feet! Get them away from me!
>Damon - (weakly)
Don't start the car.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Oh, it's always about you, you, you. What about me? What about my needs?
>INT. CAR
Natalie peers out of the windshield, trying to see what is making the sound.
BUFFY: ...that's when she spots Jeff Daniels and Jim Carey.
XANDER: (as Jim Carey) Wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world?
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Ahhhhhh!
XANDER: (as Jim Carey) Hey, yeah... that's the sound. How'd you know?
>Suddenly, the killer's face slams into the windshield, making Natalie scream. She hits the dashboard a few times, and the car starts. She puts it in drive and presses down on the gas pedal.
XANDER: And again the car starts after being banged on the dashboard... is it a vehicle, or a kitchen appliance?
>EXT. CAR
The car speeds forward.
WILLOW: (as car) Vroooooooooom.
>The rope spins around the tree, dragging Damon high into the air. He flails wildly, his oxygen slowly escaping him.
The car comes to a stop, the rope pulling taut. The killer flies
SPIKE: ...a kite, bored with the whole situation.
>off the roof and lands on the ground.
CLOSE ON:
Damon's dead body as it slowly sways in the wind.
XANDER: (singing) The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind...
BUFFY: (singing) All we are is dust in the wind...
WILLOW: (singing) Smoke on the water... (to the others) I can't think of any wind songs-- oh, there's one. (singing) Your Windsong stays on my mind...
SPIKE: Commercials don't count. And I have nothing.
>INT. CAR
Natalie looks through the windshield.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Hey. Why is a clown with tiny, razor-sharp teeth out there?
XANDER: (fearfully) Not... Pennywise.
WILLOW: Sorry, Xander. I always forget.
XANDER: Hmm, I'm beginning to wonder about that.
WILLOW: (looks innocent)
>NATALIE'S POV
The killer stands up. We see him clearly for the first time. He wears a black, hooded parka and black pants. The hood is drawn tight, making it impossible to see into.
SPIKE: (as Natalie) ... Kenny, is that you?
>NORMAL VIEW
Natalie presses down on the gas pedal, trying to get the car loose.
WILLOW: ...from her hair, which is stuck in the window.
OTHERS: O_O
>EXT. /INT. CAR
The tires are flinging mud into the air. The rope is pulled taut. This car isn't going anywhere.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Oh, well. Guess I'm hoofin' it. Unless... hey, Mr. Killer, could you give me a ride?
>The killer walks over to the car and onto the hood. He raises his leg and smashes it into the windshield.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Well, fine. I'll take that as a no then.
>Natalie screams and her foot lets go of the gas.
XANDER: Well, sure. I know when I talk and drive at the same time, my foot slips off the pedal. So I never do that anymore.
>The killer kicks the windshield again, making the windshield spiderweb.
SPIKE: (as Natalie) Green Goblin, no!
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Ok, ok, I get it! You won't give me a ride. Geez!
>Natalie screams and puts the car into reverse. She presses her foot down on the pedal and the car flies backward, and the killer flies off the hood, landing with a thump.
XANDER: Oh, my god! She killed Kenny!
WILLOW: You bastards!
>As the car speeds backwards, the rope loosens and Damon's dead body begins to plummet toward the earth. The car suddenly rams into the tree. Natalie hears the sound of the rope spinning around the tree, and peers up through the windshield. Suddenly, Damon's body plummets right into the windshield, breaking it. His head is only mere inches from Natalie. Natalie screams and throws open the door. She climbs out.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Alright! That's it! I'm out of this movie!
>Natalie looks around, but doesn't see the killer. She stands up and runs.
XANDER: (as Natalie) Woohoo! I'm free! Yes, I'm-- (runs into a tree) Ow.
>INT. CAMPUS SECURITY OFFICE
CLOSE ON:
The T.V. A woman(Pam Greer)
SPIKE: Sure it's not Grier?
WILLOW: (surprised) You're a Pam Grier fan?
SPIKE: Oh, are you kidding? She was in Scream, Blacula, Scream. That was one of the funniest movies I've ever seen.
XANDER: (with a snicker) I bet Interview With a Vampire is Angel's favorite movie.
SPIKE: (snorts in amusement) That or the Crying Game.
BUFFY: Shut up, both of-- Willow!
WILLOW: (laughing) I'm sorry! I can't help it.
BUFFY: (hiding a smile) Hmph!
>points a gun at a man. She begins talking. Reese recites the words with her.
Reese -
This is the end of your rotten life, you mother fucking dope pusher.
WILLOW: (gasps) Such language!
>NORMAL VIEW
Reese has her gun out. There's a shot on the T.V., and Reese pretends to fire her gun.
XANDER: (as Reese) Pew! Pew!
>CLOSE ON:
The T.V. The woman walks over to another dope pusher, gun in hand.
NORMAL VIEW
XANDER: (as Reese) Pew! Pew!
>Reese again recites the words along with the T.V.
Reese -
It was easy for him, 'cause he didn't believe it was coming. But it ain't gonna be easy for you, 'cause you better believe it's coming.
BUFFY: That's not how you put your enemy off guard. Punning is the only way to go.
>There's a gunshot, and Reese mimics it.
XANDER: (as Reese) Pew! Pew!
>Suddenly, the door opens and Natalie runs in. Reese quickly puts her gun away.
WILLOW: (as Reese) I wasn't doing anything! You're seeing things!
>Reese -
Girl, what's wrong with you?
SPIKE: (snorts) You got a month?
>Natalie -
They killed him. Somebody killed him.
Reese's jaw drops, shocked and stunned.
BUFFY: How exactly does a jaw become shocked and stunned?
WILLOW: Takes years of work, lots of dedication, and a ton of practice.
>EXT. BRIDGE - NIGHT
A long bridge. Below it is nothing but blue water.
XANDER: Or, you know, with it being night and all... black water.
>Reese's cop car is on the bridge, lights flashing.
XANDER: (as car) You'll never take me alive, coppers! I'll jump! I'll do it... back away!
>Natalie - (o.s.)
It's right past this bridge.
EXT. WOODS/CLEARING
It's clear. The car is gone, Damon's body is gone, the killer is gone.
BUFFY: The trees are gone.
WILLOW: The dirt is gone.
SPIKE: The sky is gone.
XANDER: The ground is gone.
>Everything is gone. Reese's cop car pulls to a stop in the middle of the clearing.
Reese - (o.s)
I don't see nothin.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Well, it is night, and there are no lights around... the moon is behind the clouds...
>Are you sure this is it?
XANDER: (as Natalie) Nope. Last week's murder was in the field, the week before that was in the mountains, um, tonight's was... here. I think. I could be wrong. Maybe it was at the beach.
>Reese and Natalie both get out of the car. Reese holds a flashlight.
XANDER: (as Reese) Pew! Pew!
>Natalie -
I don't get it.
XANDER: (as Reese) It's a gun, see? I point it, and shoot. Pew! Pew!
>The car was--
Reese -
Here, huh? You don't mind me asking, what the hell are you on?
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Oh, um, speed, heroin, cocaine, prozac, Jim Beam, and a little marijuana. Why?
WILLOW: (as Reese) No reason, I just wanted some too. Got any extra?
>Natalie -
Nothing! The car was right here!
WILLOW: (as Reese) Where?
XANDER: (as Natalie) Right there!
WILLOW: (as Reese) Where?
XANDER: (as Natalie) Right-- Reese! Stop rooting around in my purse. I already told you, I don't have anything to munch on!
>Reese bends down and picks up an empty beer can.
BUFFY: (as Homer) Mmm, beer.
SPIKE: (as Natalie) Ew, Reese, quit licking the beer can.
>Reese -
Right here?
XANDER: (as Natalie) What? You want to have sex right here? Well, ok. Sure, yeah.
>Natalie -
Reese, I saw his body. I touched it.
WILLOW: Wait, wait, wait. When did she touch Damon's body?
SPIKE: (flips back through the script) She didn't.
WILLOW: Isn't she the little liar?
>It's probably the same person who killed Michelle Mancini.
Reese -
That's impossible, baby. The police arrested that gas station attendant this afternoon.
Natalie shakes her head, not knowing what to say.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) I don't know what to say.
WILLOW: Oh, what? No lies coming to mind?
>INT. STUDENT UNION - NEXT DAY
Parker and Sasha sit next to each other on one couch, Brenda on the other. Natalie sits in the chair.
XANDER: (as Natalie) I'm such an outsider.
>Parker -
It was a mannequin, Natalie. Damon uses it all the time to scare
pledges during hazing. He also has this life size blow up doll. You probably don't want to know about that.
SPIKE: On the contrary.
OTHERS: (shudder) Blech!
SPIKE: (chuckles)
>Natalie -
It wasn't a mannequin, Parker. Damon was dead.
Parker -
Come on, Nat! Damon is the best practical joker on this campus, all right. He once convinced a freshman he was the middle Hanson brother just so he could get laid.
BUFFY: Uh, who would want to have sex with any of the Hanson's?
>Brenda -
Okay, Parker, shouldn't he be here enjoying his handiwork?
WILLOW: (as Parker) Well, no, because she didn't die of fright like he wanted her to.
>Parker -
Weekend snow boarding trip. Some last fling bachelor party with high school buddies. Come on!
XANDER: (as Natalie) Um, are you asking us to go there with you? I-- I'm confused...
>Natalie doesn't buy it.
SPIKE: (as Natalie) Sure you won't take a penny for it? Well, then, I can't afford it.
>She knows Damon is dead.
Parker -
Woah, woah, woah, wait a minute. Scratching on the roof of a car. It's just like that urban legend.
Brenda smiles.
BUFFY: (as Brenda) Shiny wall...
WILLOW: (as Natalie) That's a mirror, Brenda.
BUFFY: (as Brenda) Shiny.
>Natalie -
What are you talking about?
BUFFY: (as Brenda) The shiny wall.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) It's a mirror, you retard.
BUFFY: (as Brenda) Shiny.
>Parker -
Come on, Natalie. Wexler talks about it every semester in class.
XANDER: (as Parker) I should know. I've been in his class for ten years now.
>You know, a guy and a girl parked out in the woods, making out.
Brenda -
You made out with him?
SPIKE: (as Natalie) With who? Wexler? Yes.
BUFFY: (as Brenda) Um, no. I meant Damon.
SPIKE: (as Natalie) Oh... no.
>Natalie shoots her a look. Brenda only smiles mischievously.
Parker -
The guy steps out of the car, and the girl starts hearing scratching noises on the roof. It's her dead boyfriend hung from a tree. Damon's in the class! He knew the myth. He must've planned the whole thing out. Guy thought it was the only way a girl would ever say he was "hung." Conniving bastard.
XANDER: Parker's the killer! He's talking about Damon in the past tense. (to Willow) You've seen the movie. Am I right?
WILLOW: (shrugs)
>Sasha laughs and Parker snuggles up to her. He is about to kiss her when Natalie interrupts.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Excuse me, kiss me instead.
BUFFY: (as Parker) Alright! Come here, baby!
WILLOW: (as Natalie) I meant Sasha.
BUFFY: (as Parker) ... oh.
SPIKE: (as Sasha) Alright! Come here, baby!
XANDER: Spike, do me a favor, and never do that again.
SPIKE: Only if you'll do me a favor, and never say another word.
>Natalie -
Wait a second. Isn't there a legend about a guy with an axe hiding in the backseat of a woman's car?
SPIKE: Well, I don't wanna brag, but I'm the one got that rumor started.
BUFFY: Really.
SPIKE: Oh, yeah. Back in the fifties I had some... people, after me, so I hid in the backseat of some guy's car, and--
WILLOW: Told him the same lie you're telling us now?
SPIKE: (chuckles) And then ate him.
OTHERS: O_O
>Sasha -
Hello?
WILLOW: (as Sasha) Brenda... yoo hoo, stop staring at the mirror.
BUFFY: (as Brenda) Shiny.
WILLOW: (as Sasha) Mmm-hmm. You're a flake, you know that?
>My mom still checks the backseat before getting into a car.
XANDER: (as Sasha) ...and she's diappointed every time there's no one there. It's sad really.
>Natalie -
That's how Michelle Mancini died.
Brenda -
Oh my God.
BUFFY: (as Brenda) ... the shiny thing is a mirror! Huh! I'm so-- so-- it's shiny.
>Sasha -
What are you trying to say, Natalie?
XANDER: (as Natalie) It's obvious, isn't it? The aliens are here! The aliens are here!
>Natalie -
It's like someone out there is taking all these stories and making them reality.
Sasha smiles and Parker stands up. He walks over to Natalie.
WILLOW: (as Parker) Aren't you a cute little thing? Yes, you are! Oh, yes, you are! You're so cute!
>Parker -
Well, my big question is,
SPIKE: (as Parker) How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop? ... trademark.
>what is he gonna do next? Maybe put spider eggs in bubble gum. Maybe ram a gerbil up a celebrity's ass?
ALL: Ew.
>Sasha laughs.
BUFFY: Sasha's quite the conversationalist, isn't she? She smiles, and laughs, and not much else.
>Parker - (cont'd)
Come on, Nat! Give Damon a call at the Killington. You'll see he's there.
INT. NATALIE AND TOSH'S DORM ROOM - LATER
Natalie enters. Loud heavy rock music is blaring from the speakers. Tosh smokes a cigarette, apparently in a chat room.
SPIKE: And this is apparent from her smoking a cigarette... how?
BUFFY: Random sentences!
SPIKE: No. No. Not random sentences! That's just--
BUFFY: Random sentences!
SPIKE: (sighs in defeat)
BUFFY: Parker drives a car, apparently he's hungry.
WILLOW: Paul writes his column, apparently he's wearing shoes.
XANDER: Sasha reads a magazine, apparently she's doing algebra in her head.
SPIKE: Natalie sighs heavily, apparently thinking about flowers.
BUFFY: (grins) Fun!
>Natalie approaches Tosh.
Natalie -
Tosh, do you mind if I use--
XANDER: (as Natalie) ...your hair as a kleenex?
>Tosh spins around, angry.
Tosh -
What!?
XANDER: (as Natalie) Ok, ok, I'll use a real kleenex, geez.
>Natalie pauses, looking at Tosh's angry face.
BUFFY: Wow, my roommate was nicer than this chick, and she was a soulless demon trying to steal my soul so her family would take me rather than her back to a hell dimension...
OTHERS: ... (then)
WILLOW: Yep. I remember that.
XANDER: My head remembers the pain you gave it.
>She decides not to cause an unnecessary fight.
SPIKE: Yeah, right. She's just a big wuss.
>Natalie -
Never mind.
SPIKE: (as Natalie) I'm just gonna slink out of here like the wimp that I am.
>EXT. CAMPUS - LATER
Natalie is at a phone booth, talking to a woman who works at the
Killington.
XANDER: Is it really necessary to keep calling it, 'the' Killington? Is it really deserving of the respect and reverence that goes along with it?
>Woman - (from phone)
Yeah, there was a blond guy that arrived with that group this morning. A bachelor party or something?
WILLOW: (as Natalie) That settles it then, since Damon is the only blond guy in the world, it has to be him. Thanks, Voice From The Phone.
>Natalie -
Damon Brooks, specifically. Can you tell me if he checked in?
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Did the blond guy have badly grown facial hair?
Woman -
Oh, I can't tell you that. The cabin's not in his name and it's not on his credit card. I'd be happy to take a message, but I can't guarantee he'll come by and pick it up. So, whatever you want--
Natalie hangs the phone up.
SPIKE: (as woman on the phone) Bitch! Hang up on me, will you? I'll kill you! Kill you, you hear me? You're dead. Dead!
OTHERS: (scoot away slightly) O_O
SPIKE: (chuckles evilly)
>That idea didn't work.
EXT. LIBRARY - LATER
Natalie walks up the stone steps to the large, old library. The sun has set and it's getting dark...
INT. LIBRARY
Natalie walks by row after row of books.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) No, no, no. Where are all the picture books?
>She finds the row she needs and starts to look for the book.
XANDER: (as Natalie) Ok, where are you, you Pokey Little Puppy?
>Suddenly, she hears footsteps.
SPIKE: Oh, my god! Not footsteps! Hasn't the poor girl been through enough?
>Natalie turns, and when she does, a figure walks by the camera. Natalie looks around.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Why is there a camera pointed at me? Hello? Uh, who are you, and why are you filming me?
>Natalie -
Hello?
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Oh, tee hee. This is a book, not a phone.
>She sighs, and goes back to looking when she hears a rustling sound.
WILLOW: So, what, now on top of everything else, she has to deal with mice?
>Natalie stops. There's indistinct whispering somewhere in the library.
SPIKE: Whispering in a library? Good, god, what is this world coming to?
>Then a noise like a chair being pushed back.
Natalie -
Someone there?
No response. Natalie just shrugs it off and continues her search. She finds what she's been looking for. She pulls it off the shelf.
XANDER: (as Natalie) Hello, Pokey Little Puppy!
>CLOSE ON:
The book. The title is:
BUFFY: Life, And How To Get One.
WILLOW: Love, And How To Find It.
SPIKE: Sex, And How To Find Someone To Have It With.
XANDER: (to the others) I'm sticking by my Pokey Little Puppy!
>THE ENCYCLOPEDIA OF URBAN LEGENDS."
NORMAL VIEW
Natalie presses the book against her chest,
XANDER: (as Natalie) I love you book, you're my only friend.
>so that no one can see the title.
SPIKE: ...meanwhile, all the other patrons are walking around holding up their copies of Playboy, Playgirl, and Hustler, showing them to each other and high-fiving.
>She heads out of the aisle. Suddenly, a noise behind her. Natalie turns, and in that instance she bumps into...
SASHA!
SPIKE: Oh, my god! Not... Sasha! This script is a bit overdramatic.
XANDER: A bit.
>Natalie gasps. Sasha laughs.
WILLOW: (as Sasha) Ha ha, it's funny to scare people who think serial killers are after them.
BUFFY: Will, do you know what that is?
SPIKE: (groans) Do we have to?
XANDER: I'll go first! Um... ok. Parker screams. Paul snorts.
BUFFY: Me next! Me next! Brenda sneezes. Michelle barks.
WILLOW: (laughing) Damon burps. Wexler sings.
SPIKE: (sighs) Reese shrieks. Dean Adams cries.
>She also has a book. She holds it out to Natalie.
Sasha -
Hey, Nat. Look what I found.
Natalie -
What?
XANDER: (as Sasha) See Spot Run.
BUFFY: (as Natalie, claps excitedly) Yay!
>Sasha opens the book to a page. It has illustrations of people in weird sexual positions.
WILLOW: Wow. See Spot Run sure has changed since I was a kid.
Sasha - (re:the book)
An early edition of Kama Sutra....with illustrations. Think Parker will get into it?
SPIKE: (as Natalie) Um, let me think... he's a guy, isn't he?
BUFFY: ...yeah.
XANDER: (as Natalie) There's your answer.
>Natalie -
Does he have a choice?
SPIKE: Oh, please. The boy will probably lose it when he sees the book, let alone being asked to do any of the things in it.
WILLOW: (impressed) Wow, check out the restraint you used just now.
SPIKE: Yeah. I could've said he'd--
WILLOW: (stares at him pointedly)
SPIKE: But I won't.
>Sasha -
No.
They're both giggling like little school girls. Sasha notices Natalie's book.
BUFFY: (as Sasha) Oh, I didn't know you could read. And it's the Pokey Little Puppy! How cute!
>Sasha -
What's that?
Natalie -
Um...
WILLOW: (as Natalie) ... those of us in the know call them... books.
>She reluctantly shows the book to Sasha.
Sasha -
Nat, don't tell me you still believe--
BUFFY: (as Sasha) ...in the easter bunny?
>Natalie -
I don't know.
XANDER: (as Natalie) The evidence is all pointing in one direction...
>INT. LIBRARY - LATER
Natalie and Sasha sit a table,
WILLOW: Really. And, how exactly, did they do that?
SPIKE: (to Willow) Ancient chinese secret.
WILLOW: (accusingly) Hey! You know pop culture!
SPIKE: I do watch t.v., you know.
>looking at the Urban Legend book. Natalie flips through the book, Sasha looking on. Natalie doesn't see anything of interest until she sees one picture.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) I can't read, but pictures? Whew! I'm a whiz when it comes to pictures.
>CLOSE ON:
The book. There's a picture of a woman sprawled out on a bed, her
wrists slit. The words "Aren't you glad you didn't turn on the lights" written on the wall in the woman's blood.
SPIKE: (as Natalie) Hmm, that looks cool! I should do that to Brenda!
>NORMAL VIEW
Natalie glances at it a moment longer, then turns the page.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Nah, not violent enough. On to more important things. Namely, me.
>She comes to what she's been looking for.
XANDER: (as Natalie) Ooo, look! Bunnies!
>CLOSE ON:
The book. It shows a man hanging from a tree by his feet, his arms raking the roof of the car. The girlfriend is in the car, a frightened expression on his face.
WILLOW: Um, if the girlfriend has a frightened expression on his face, then I think they've got some major problems aside from the whole hanging-from-a-tree thing.
>Natalie - (o.s)
This is it.
SPIKE: (as Natalie) ...this is what I want to do to Brenda.
WILLOW: (as Sasha) Are you sure?
SPIKE: (as Natalie) Definitely.
>NORMAL VIEW
The picture is really disturbing Natalie. Sasha glances at the book, then Natalie.
BUFFY: (as Sasha) You know, in this light, you've got this... hair thing going on... and a nose thing. You should get those fixed.
>She turns a few pages. She comes to another picture.
XANDER: (as Natalie) More bunnies!
>CLOSE ON:
The picture. It shows two cars on a road. One has its lights off, and the other one seems to be flashing their high beams.
NORMAL VIEW
Sasha -
This is definitely not a myth.
WILLOW: Is too.
>Natalie -
What?
WILLOW: (to Natalie) A myth.
>Sasha - (re:the picture)
The gang high beam initiation. It happens all the time. Gang members drive around at night with their headlights off. And when someone goes to flash them their high-beams to warn 'em, they
BUFFY: (as Sasha) ...take them out for ice-cream to thank them. I had chocolate fudge ripple.
>kill 'em. That's why I never warn anybody about anything when I drive.
BUFFY: (as Sasha) Even that one time last summer when I saw a guy in a slicker and a huge hook chasing some teenagers down the street.
>A pause. The picture seems to upset Natalie.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) While it may seem like I'm upset about the picture, I'm actually just thinking about dinner. It's meatloaf Tuesday.
>Sasha -
Anyway, I gotta go. I've got some homework.
They laugh at this. They know exactly what Sasha's homework will be.
SPIKE: To build a fireplace.
XANDER: Masonry's a delicate process.
>Natalie -
Okay. See ya.
Sasha stands up.
Sasha -
Bye.
WILLOW: (as Sasha) Loser.
>Natalie continues to look at the book while Sasha leaves.
INT. NATALIE AND TOSH'S DORM ROOM
CLOSE ON:
The computer screen. Tosh is in a Goth chat room. She types:Goth guys on campus looking to hook up... I-M me.
CLOSE ON:
Tosh, still smoking a cigarette. She waits for a reply.
BUFFY: ...two days later, she was still waiting. It was sad really.
WILLOW: (as Sasha) Loser.
>She doesn't have to wait long.
XANDER: ...unless you count a month as a long time.
>CLOSE ON:
The screen. A response comes. The response is:We're on similar dark paths.
SPIKE: (as computer guy) ... we both wear black leather, black make-up, and we dyed our hair black... we're as evil as they come. (scoffs) They're practically still wearing nappies, and they think they're evil.
BUFFY: Wearing what?
WILLOW: Diapers.
>CLOSE ON:
Tosh. She blows smoke into the air.
WILLOW: (as Tosh) Pretty. Ooo, I made pretty.
>She begins typing.
CLOSE ON:
The computer screen. Tosh tpes:What U into? The response is:
XANDER: Bad spelling? Oh, and sheep. U?
>Lithium.
CLOSE ON:
Tosh. She smiles, obviously finding a guy she can relate to.
WILLOW: (as Tosh) I love sheep and bad spelling!
>CLOSE ON:
The computer screen. Tosh types:My type of guy.
XANDER: (as Tosh) I'm totally into guys who drool. Any droolers out there?
>INT. LIBRARY
Natalie pulls the sign out sheet out of the front page of the book. The last entry is...Damon Brooks. Natalie puts the card down. Maybe she is paranoid. Maybe it was Damon playing a trick on her. Maybe...
BUFFY: Maybe she really is insane...
WILLOW: Maybe she really is an attention-grabber...
XANDER: Maybe she really is a nagger...
SPIKE: Maybe she really is a bitch...
>INT. NATALIE AND TOSH'S DORM ROOM
CLOSE ON:
Tosh's fingers as she types. Her fingernails are painted black.
SPIKE: As I said.
BUFFY: (to Spike) Your nails are painted black.
SPIKE: I really am evil though. Two completely different things.
OTHERS: Mmm.
>CLOSE ON:
The screen. Tosh has typed:Where U at?
XANDER: (as computer guy) At my computer, U?
>CLOSE ON:
Tosh, a sexy look in her eyes. She is obviously smitten by this man.
WILLOW: I'm here to tell you, Tosh, computer dates never work out.
SPIKE: (gives Willow a look) You dated a guy off the computer?
WILLOW Uh-huh. He tried to kill us all. Big demony guy.
SPIKE: How have you guys survived this long?
BUFFY: Skill.
WILLOW: Timing.
XANDER: Dumb luck.
>CLOSE ON:
The computer screen. The response:Close.
CLOSE ON:
Tosh. She begins to type.
CLOSE ON:
BUFFY: Ack. All these close ons are giving me a headache.
>The computer screen. Tosh has written:tease.
XANDER: Yeah, a guy who's into drugs and goth says he's close to her, a girl he's never met, and she thinks he's a prince.
WILLOW: (as Tosh) My hero.
>CLOSE ON:
Tosh. She smiles and begins typing.
CLOSE ON:
The computer screen. Tosh is typing:Gonna get ready. Tell me what room U R in.
SPIKE: (as computer guy) Yours. Boo.
>CLOSE ON:
Tosh. She picks up her black purse. She stands up. She glances back at the screen before heading for the door.
XANDER: ...tragically, she forgets to open it, and ends up knocking herself out. (as Tosh) Doh!
>INT. HALLWAY
Tosh opens the door and steps outside. She closes the door behind her.
WILLOW: ...tragically, her shirt gets caught in the door. When she walks away, her shirt stops her short, and she flies backward, slamming her head into the door, knocking herself out. (as Tosh) Doh!
>EXT. LIBRARY
Natalie walks down the stone steps.
BUFFY: ...tragically, she slips, and falls, knocking herself out. (as Natalie) Oops!
>INT. BATHROOM
Tosh sets her purse down by the sink and opens it. She pulls out her black lipstick.
SPIKE: (clears his throat)
BUFFY: Yeah, yeah, yeah, you were right. We get it.
>She takes the cap off and starts applying the lipstick.
SPIKE: ...tragically, someone's filled the lipstick tube with poison. She applies the lipstick, passes out, and dies. The end.
WILLOW: Ahem.
SPIKE: Oh, yeah. (as Tosh) Doh!
>EXT. CAMPUS
Natalie walks down the sidewalk, heading for her dorm.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) La, la, la, I haven't a care in the world. La, la, la. I hope no killers are lurking about. La, la, la.
>INT. BATHROOM
Tosh closes her purse, grabs it, and leaves the bathroom.
Chapter 4
Author: sinecure - My master fic list
Rating: R
Summary: An MST-style fic Starring Spike, Willow, Xander, and Buffy. I stuck them in a room that's grown into a house, and they can't get out. Wanna know more? Read my first two parodies: I Know What They Parodied Last Summer, and, I Still Know What They Parodied Last Summer. That should clear some things up.
Disclaimer: The movie they're riffing on--Urban Legend--and the shows Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel (in case I mention stuff from there), and Mystery Science Theater 3000, don't belong to me and I make no money off of them.
A/N: This takes place during season 4, sometime in the middle. After Oz leaves, but before Tara comes in. Anya's in the picture, so is Riley. And that's about it I think.
********
********
Stretching didn't relieve Spike's anger, just the soreness in his neck, so he stood up and left the room, not wanting to be around the blasted 'teenyboppers' for another minute. Unfortunately, there was no way to get away from them for long. But while he could remove himself, he would. As far away as possible.
Back in his bedroom he picked his duster up from the bed, balled it up, and threw it across the room. It smacked into the door between his and Willow's room, and plopped to the ground in a black leather heap. It hadn't really helped his anger, and he really couldn't leave the duster there. Not on the floor, all crumpled up. It was a weakness, but he loved the thing. He crossed the room and grabbed it off the floor, shaking it out to remove any possible creases. Laying it on the bed, he caught a glimpse of movement from the mirror on the dresser.
He spun around, examining the entire room. Nothing was out of place. Bed, dresser, two bedside tables, and a table by the door to the hall. And, definitely not anything he'd ever let the Scoobies see... his bookcase full of books. After several failed attempts at getting out of here those first few days, he'd needed something to occupy his time.
"Spike?"
The whispered voice was very quiet, a little hesitant, and all Willow. Spike bit back a groan and turned to the doorway. Whatever she wanted, he would refuse... just on principal. He was, after all, evil, and she needed to remember that.
"What?" he snarled.
"It's torture time again. Buffy and Xander are actually kind of anxious to get back to it." She shrugged and grinned when he turned an incredulous look her way. "Don't look at me. I've seen this movie, and it sucked in the theater... sucks even more in print."
"Fine," he muttered, lighting a cigarette and following her out to the front room. "But if either one of them says one damn word about anything having to do with me, I'll kill them both."
She chuckled, not having the slightest idea that he was dead serious.
********
>EXT. CLEARING
We see Natalie through the windshield.
XANDER: ...picking her nose.
OTHERS: Ew.
>INT. CAR
Natalie puts the sun visor back up. She sighs.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Still hideous.
>EXT. WOODS
Damon finishes urinating.
WILLOW: After that marathon session, I'm surprised he hasn't dried up and blown away. Seems like he's been going forever.
BUFFY: Probably just because of the break.
>He zips up his pants. Suddenly,
BUFFY: ...he screams because he's zipped himself up--
SPIKE: (cringing) Good god, woman, don't you finish that sentence.
XANDER: (hands over his ears) Buffy, for the love of men everywhere... don't say it.
BUFFY: (shrugs) Sorry. Um... didn't mean to--
XANDER: (shakes his head) Let's just move on, 'kay?
BUFFY: (nods) Sure.
WILLOW: Absolutely.
>THE KILLER JUMPS UP BEHIND HIM
WILLOW: ...and does the macarena.
>and throws a rope around his throat!
INT. CAR
Natalie looks around, bored.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Geez, Damon, could you get killed some other time? I'm bored.
>EXT. WOODS
The killer throws Damon to the ground, the rope still around his neck.
INT. CAR
Natalie looks at her watch.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Oh, come on, Damon! Be killed later, I'm late for... something more important than you.
>Natalie -
Okay.
She smiles.
SPIKE: She just remembered she was getting paid for her time, so it wasn't a total loss.
>EXT. WOODS
The killer beats Damon's head into the ground.
SPIKE: Cool, this is getting fun.
>INT. CAR
Natalie looks out into the woods.
EXT. CLEARING
Natalie steps out of the car.
BUFFY: Ok, can we stick to one setting, and one setting only? I'm getting vertigo.
>Natalie - (shouting)
Damon! Shake it and lets go!
WILLOW: Ok, now... was that her giving stage directions? He shakes it and lets go? Otherwise, typo. I'm going with stage directions.
SPIKE: You live in your own little world, don't you?
WILLOW: Often times.
>A noise behind her! Natalie looks behind her to see...
NOTHING!
WILLOW: Oh, my god, it's the Nothing! And it's trying to take over Fantasia. Quick, someone get Atreyu!
SPIKE: O_O
BUFFY: Ooo, The Neverending Story! I love that movie.
XANDER: (nods) Not bad, a little on the sappy/cutesy side, but entertaining nonetheless.
WILLOW: We're going to have to watch it when we get out of... here.
ALL: ...
>Natalie turns back and is face to face with
XANDER: ...puppies.
>THE KILLER!
XANDER: ...or that.
>Natalie screams
BUFFY: ...with joy, and runs to hug the killer. (as Natalie) You killed Damon! Yay!
>and runs around the car to the drivers side. She opens the door and climbs inside.
WILLOW: ...but accidentally falls out the other door. (as Natalie) Drat.
>INT. CAR
Natalie locks the door and begins rolling up the window.
SPIKE: Why? Now the killer can't get her.
XANDER: I kinda think that's the point.
SPIKE: Sucks for us.
>The killer pounds on the window, then moves to the back. Natalie turns the key, and the car sputters. All the warning signals flash.
XANDER: Hmm, imagine that. Guess she shouldn't have turned on the radio.
BUFFY: (to Xander) As you said.
XANDER: (nods) As I said.
>Natalie -
Come on, come on, come on.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Start you stupid car! I really need to listen to the radio.
>EXT. CLEARING
The killer throws a rope over the hitch.
SPIKE: Oh, look at that. A typo.
WILLOW: (frowns) Where?
SPIKE: Hitch starts with a b, not an h.
WILLOW: (chuckles)
>INT. CAR
Natalie -
Damon!
Suddenly, there's a pounding on the roof, like somebody's walking on it. Natalie screams, and continues to try to get the car started. The pounding stops, but in its place is a scratching noise.
Natalie -
Damon!
BUFFY: There she goes again, showing off her extensive grasp of the English language.
>EXT. CAR
The camera slowly pans up to show Damon hanging from a tree, his legs barely touching the roof of the car. His hands are on the noose, trying to loosen its grip. He can barely breathe.
Damon - (weakly)
Natalie, don't start the car.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) But I really, really need to hear the radio. There's a contest, and I wanna win. It's a trip to Tower Bay Island in... the Bahamas!
BUFFY: The Bahamas!
XANDER: Gonna get tropical, baby!
SPIKE: And you're quoting from that crap movie, why? It was horrible.
WILLOW: Well, yeah. It was. But... (shrugs) I've got nothin'.
>He coughs,
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Ew, Damon! You, like, totally spit on me! Get away from me!
>his feet swinging, the tips of them touching the roof.
XANDER: (as Natalie) Ew, Damon! You, like, totally have stinky feet! Get them away from me!
>Damon - (weakly)
Don't start the car.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Oh, it's always about you, you, you. What about me? What about my needs?
>INT. CAR
Natalie peers out of the windshield, trying to see what is making the sound.
BUFFY: ...that's when she spots Jeff Daniels and Jim Carey.
XANDER: (as Jim Carey) Wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world?
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Ahhhhhh!
XANDER: (as Jim Carey) Hey, yeah... that's the sound. How'd you know?
>Suddenly, the killer's face slams into the windshield, making Natalie scream. She hits the dashboard a few times, and the car starts. She puts it in drive and presses down on the gas pedal.
XANDER: And again the car starts after being banged on the dashboard... is it a vehicle, or a kitchen appliance?
>EXT. CAR
The car speeds forward.
WILLOW: (as car) Vroooooooooom.
>The rope spins around the tree, dragging Damon high into the air. He flails wildly, his oxygen slowly escaping him.
The car comes to a stop, the rope pulling taut. The killer flies
SPIKE: ...a kite, bored with the whole situation.
>off the roof and lands on the ground.
CLOSE ON:
Damon's dead body as it slowly sways in the wind.
XANDER: (singing) The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind...
BUFFY: (singing) All we are is dust in the wind...
WILLOW: (singing) Smoke on the water... (to the others) I can't think of any wind songs-- oh, there's one. (singing) Your Windsong stays on my mind...
SPIKE: Commercials don't count. And I have nothing.
>INT. CAR
Natalie looks through the windshield.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Hey. Why is a clown with tiny, razor-sharp teeth out there?
XANDER: (fearfully) Not... Pennywise.
WILLOW: Sorry, Xander. I always forget.
XANDER: Hmm, I'm beginning to wonder about that.
WILLOW: (looks innocent)
>NATALIE'S POV
The killer stands up. We see him clearly for the first time. He wears a black, hooded parka and black pants. The hood is drawn tight, making it impossible to see into.
SPIKE: (as Natalie) ... Kenny, is that you?
>NORMAL VIEW
Natalie presses down on the gas pedal, trying to get the car loose.
WILLOW: ...from her hair, which is stuck in the window.
OTHERS: O_O
>EXT. /INT. CAR
The tires are flinging mud into the air. The rope is pulled taut. This car isn't going anywhere.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Oh, well. Guess I'm hoofin' it. Unless... hey, Mr. Killer, could you give me a ride?
>The killer walks over to the car and onto the hood. He raises his leg and smashes it into the windshield.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Well, fine. I'll take that as a no then.
>Natalie screams and her foot lets go of the gas.
XANDER: Well, sure. I know when I talk and drive at the same time, my foot slips off the pedal. So I never do that anymore.
>The killer kicks the windshield again, making the windshield spiderweb.
SPIKE: (as Natalie) Green Goblin, no!
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Ok, ok, I get it! You won't give me a ride. Geez!
>Natalie screams and puts the car into reverse. She presses her foot down on the pedal and the car flies backward, and the killer flies off the hood, landing with a thump.
XANDER: Oh, my god! She killed Kenny!
WILLOW: You bastards!
>As the car speeds backwards, the rope loosens and Damon's dead body begins to plummet toward the earth. The car suddenly rams into the tree. Natalie hears the sound of the rope spinning around the tree, and peers up through the windshield. Suddenly, Damon's body plummets right into the windshield, breaking it. His head is only mere inches from Natalie. Natalie screams and throws open the door. She climbs out.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Alright! That's it! I'm out of this movie!
>Natalie looks around, but doesn't see the killer. She stands up and runs.
XANDER: (as Natalie) Woohoo! I'm free! Yes, I'm-- (runs into a tree) Ow.
>INT. CAMPUS SECURITY OFFICE
CLOSE ON:
The T.V. A woman(Pam Greer)
SPIKE: Sure it's not Grier?
WILLOW: (surprised) You're a Pam Grier fan?
SPIKE: Oh, are you kidding? She was in Scream, Blacula, Scream. That was one of the funniest movies I've ever seen.
XANDER: (with a snicker) I bet Interview With a Vampire is Angel's favorite movie.
SPIKE: (snorts in amusement) That or the Crying Game.
BUFFY: Shut up, both of-- Willow!
WILLOW: (laughing) I'm sorry! I can't help it.
BUFFY: (hiding a smile) Hmph!
>points a gun at a man. She begins talking. Reese recites the words with her.
Reese -
This is the end of your rotten life, you mother fucking dope pusher.
WILLOW: (gasps) Such language!
>NORMAL VIEW
Reese has her gun out. There's a shot on the T.V., and Reese pretends to fire her gun.
XANDER: (as Reese) Pew! Pew!
>CLOSE ON:
The T.V. The woman walks over to another dope pusher, gun in hand.
NORMAL VIEW
XANDER: (as Reese) Pew! Pew!
>Reese again recites the words along with the T.V.
Reese -
It was easy for him, 'cause he didn't believe it was coming. But it ain't gonna be easy for you, 'cause you better believe it's coming.
BUFFY: That's not how you put your enemy off guard. Punning is the only way to go.
>There's a gunshot, and Reese mimics it.
XANDER: (as Reese) Pew! Pew!
>Suddenly, the door opens and Natalie runs in. Reese quickly puts her gun away.
WILLOW: (as Reese) I wasn't doing anything! You're seeing things!
>Reese -
Girl, what's wrong with you?
SPIKE: (snorts) You got a month?
>Natalie -
They killed him. Somebody killed him.
Reese's jaw drops, shocked and stunned.
BUFFY: How exactly does a jaw become shocked and stunned?
WILLOW: Takes years of work, lots of dedication, and a ton of practice.
>EXT. BRIDGE - NIGHT
A long bridge. Below it is nothing but blue water.
XANDER: Or, you know, with it being night and all... black water.
>Reese's cop car is on the bridge, lights flashing.
XANDER: (as car) You'll never take me alive, coppers! I'll jump! I'll do it... back away!
>Natalie - (o.s.)
It's right past this bridge.
EXT. WOODS/CLEARING
It's clear. The car is gone, Damon's body is gone, the killer is gone.
BUFFY: The trees are gone.
WILLOW: The dirt is gone.
SPIKE: The sky is gone.
XANDER: The ground is gone.
>Everything is gone. Reese's cop car pulls to a stop in the middle of the clearing.
Reese - (o.s)
I don't see nothin.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Well, it is night, and there are no lights around... the moon is behind the clouds...
>Are you sure this is it?
XANDER: (as Natalie) Nope. Last week's murder was in the field, the week before that was in the mountains, um, tonight's was... here. I think. I could be wrong. Maybe it was at the beach.
>Reese and Natalie both get out of the car. Reese holds a flashlight.
XANDER: (as Reese) Pew! Pew!
>Natalie -
I don't get it.
XANDER: (as Reese) It's a gun, see? I point it, and shoot. Pew! Pew!
>The car was--
Reese -
Here, huh? You don't mind me asking, what the hell are you on?
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Oh, um, speed, heroin, cocaine, prozac, Jim Beam, and a little marijuana. Why?
WILLOW: (as Reese) No reason, I just wanted some too. Got any extra?
>Natalie -
Nothing! The car was right here!
WILLOW: (as Reese) Where?
XANDER: (as Natalie) Right there!
WILLOW: (as Reese) Where?
XANDER: (as Natalie) Right-- Reese! Stop rooting around in my purse. I already told you, I don't have anything to munch on!
>Reese bends down and picks up an empty beer can.
BUFFY: (as Homer) Mmm, beer.
SPIKE: (as Natalie) Ew, Reese, quit licking the beer can.
>Reese -
Right here?
XANDER: (as Natalie) What? You want to have sex right here? Well, ok. Sure, yeah.
>Natalie -
Reese, I saw his body. I touched it.
WILLOW: Wait, wait, wait. When did she touch Damon's body?
SPIKE: (flips back through the script) She didn't.
WILLOW: Isn't she the little liar?
>It's probably the same person who killed Michelle Mancini.
Reese -
That's impossible, baby. The police arrested that gas station attendant this afternoon.
Natalie shakes her head, not knowing what to say.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) I don't know what to say.
WILLOW: Oh, what? No lies coming to mind?
>INT. STUDENT UNION - NEXT DAY
Parker and Sasha sit next to each other on one couch, Brenda on the other. Natalie sits in the chair.
XANDER: (as Natalie) I'm such an outsider.
>Parker -
It was a mannequin, Natalie. Damon uses it all the time to scare
pledges during hazing. He also has this life size blow up doll. You probably don't want to know about that.
SPIKE: On the contrary.
OTHERS: (shudder) Blech!
SPIKE: (chuckles)
>Natalie -
It wasn't a mannequin, Parker. Damon was dead.
Parker -
Come on, Nat! Damon is the best practical joker on this campus, all right. He once convinced a freshman he was the middle Hanson brother just so he could get laid.
BUFFY: Uh, who would want to have sex with any of the Hanson's?
>Brenda -
Okay, Parker, shouldn't he be here enjoying his handiwork?
WILLOW: (as Parker) Well, no, because she didn't die of fright like he wanted her to.
>Parker -
Weekend snow boarding trip. Some last fling bachelor party with high school buddies. Come on!
XANDER: (as Natalie) Um, are you asking us to go there with you? I-- I'm confused...
>Natalie doesn't buy it.
SPIKE: (as Natalie) Sure you won't take a penny for it? Well, then, I can't afford it.
>She knows Damon is dead.
Parker -
Woah, woah, woah, wait a minute. Scratching on the roof of a car. It's just like that urban legend.
Brenda smiles.
BUFFY: (as Brenda) Shiny wall...
WILLOW: (as Natalie) That's a mirror, Brenda.
BUFFY: (as Brenda) Shiny.
>Natalie -
What are you talking about?
BUFFY: (as Brenda) The shiny wall.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) It's a mirror, you retard.
BUFFY: (as Brenda) Shiny.
>Parker -
Come on, Natalie. Wexler talks about it every semester in class.
XANDER: (as Parker) I should know. I've been in his class for ten years now.
>You know, a guy and a girl parked out in the woods, making out.
Brenda -
You made out with him?
SPIKE: (as Natalie) With who? Wexler? Yes.
BUFFY: (as Brenda) Um, no. I meant Damon.
SPIKE: (as Natalie) Oh... no.
>Natalie shoots her a look. Brenda only smiles mischievously.
Parker -
The guy steps out of the car, and the girl starts hearing scratching noises on the roof. It's her dead boyfriend hung from a tree. Damon's in the class! He knew the myth. He must've planned the whole thing out. Guy thought it was the only way a girl would ever say he was "hung." Conniving bastard.
XANDER: Parker's the killer! He's talking about Damon in the past tense. (to Willow) You've seen the movie. Am I right?
WILLOW: (shrugs)
>Sasha laughs and Parker snuggles up to her. He is about to kiss her when Natalie interrupts.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Excuse me, kiss me instead.
BUFFY: (as Parker) Alright! Come here, baby!
WILLOW: (as Natalie) I meant Sasha.
BUFFY: (as Parker) ... oh.
SPIKE: (as Sasha) Alright! Come here, baby!
XANDER: Spike, do me a favor, and never do that again.
SPIKE: Only if you'll do me a favor, and never say another word.
>Natalie -
Wait a second. Isn't there a legend about a guy with an axe hiding in the backseat of a woman's car?
SPIKE: Well, I don't wanna brag, but I'm the one got that rumor started.
BUFFY: Really.
SPIKE: Oh, yeah. Back in the fifties I had some... people, after me, so I hid in the backseat of some guy's car, and--
WILLOW: Told him the same lie you're telling us now?
SPIKE: (chuckles) And then ate him.
OTHERS: O_O
>Sasha -
Hello?
WILLOW: (as Sasha) Brenda... yoo hoo, stop staring at the mirror.
BUFFY: (as Brenda) Shiny.
WILLOW: (as Sasha) Mmm-hmm. You're a flake, you know that?
>My mom still checks the backseat before getting into a car.
XANDER: (as Sasha) ...and she's diappointed every time there's no one there. It's sad really.
>Natalie -
That's how Michelle Mancini died.
Brenda -
Oh my God.
BUFFY: (as Brenda) ... the shiny thing is a mirror! Huh! I'm so-- so-- it's shiny.
>Sasha -
What are you trying to say, Natalie?
XANDER: (as Natalie) It's obvious, isn't it? The aliens are here! The aliens are here!
>Natalie -
It's like someone out there is taking all these stories and making them reality.
Sasha smiles and Parker stands up. He walks over to Natalie.
WILLOW: (as Parker) Aren't you a cute little thing? Yes, you are! Oh, yes, you are! You're so cute!
>Parker -
Well, my big question is,
SPIKE: (as Parker) How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop? ... trademark.
>what is he gonna do next? Maybe put spider eggs in bubble gum. Maybe ram a gerbil up a celebrity's ass?
ALL: Ew.
>Sasha laughs.
BUFFY: Sasha's quite the conversationalist, isn't she? She smiles, and laughs, and not much else.
>Parker - (cont'd)
Come on, Nat! Give Damon a call at the Killington. You'll see he's there.
INT. NATALIE AND TOSH'S DORM ROOM - LATER
Natalie enters. Loud heavy rock music is blaring from the speakers. Tosh smokes a cigarette, apparently in a chat room.
SPIKE: And this is apparent from her smoking a cigarette... how?
BUFFY: Random sentences!
SPIKE: No. No. Not random sentences! That's just--
BUFFY: Random sentences!
SPIKE: (sighs in defeat)
BUFFY: Parker drives a car, apparently he's hungry.
WILLOW: Paul writes his column, apparently he's wearing shoes.
XANDER: Sasha reads a magazine, apparently she's doing algebra in her head.
SPIKE: Natalie sighs heavily, apparently thinking about flowers.
BUFFY: (grins) Fun!
>Natalie approaches Tosh.
Natalie -
Tosh, do you mind if I use--
XANDER: (as Natalie) ...your hair as a kleenex?
>Tosh spins around, angry.
Tosh -
What!?
XANDER: (as Natalie) Ok, ok, I'll use a real kleenex, geez.
>Natalie pauses, looking at Tosh's angry face.
BUFFY: Wow, my roommate was nicer than this chick, and she was a soulless demon trying to steal my soul so her family would take me rather than her back to a hell dimension...
OTHERS: ... (then)
WILLOW: Yep. I remember that.
XANDER: My head remembers the pain you gave it.
>She decides not to cause an unnecessary fight.
SPIKE: Yeah, right. She's just a big wuss.
>Natalie -
Never mind.
SPIKE: (as Natalie) I'm just gonna slink out of here like the wimp that I am.
>EXT. CAMPUS - LATER
Natalie is at a phone booth, talking to a woman who works at the
Killington.
XANDER: Is it really necessary to keep calling it, 'the' Killington? Is it really deserving of the respect and reverence that goes along with it?
>Woman - (from phone)
Yeah, there was a blond guy that arrived with that group this morning. A bachelor party or something?
WILLOW: (as Natalie) That settles it then, since Damon is the only blond guy in the world, it has to be him. Thanks, Voice From The Phone.
>Natalie -
Damon Brooks, specifically. Can you tell me if he checked in?
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Did the blond guy have badly grown facial hair?
Woman -
Oh, I can't tell you that. The cabin's not in his name and it's not on his credit card. I'd be happy to take a message, but I can't guarantee he'll come by and pick it up. So, whatever you want--
Natalie hangs the phone up.
SPIKE: (as woman on the phone) Bitch! Hang up on me, will you? I'll kill you! Kill you, you hear me? You're dead. Dead!
OTHERS: (scoot away slightly) O_O
SPIKE: (chuckles evilly)
>That idea didn't work.
EXT. LIBRARY - LATER
Natalie walks up the stone steps to the large, old library. The sun has set and it's getting dark...
INT. LIBRARY
Natalie walks by row after row of books.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) No, no, no. Where are all the picture books?
>She finds the row she needs and starts to look for the book.
XANDER: (as Natalie) Ok, where are you, you Pokey Little Puppy?
>Suddenly, she hears footsteps.
SPIKE: Oh, my god! Not footsteps! Hasn't the poor girl been through enough?
>Natalie turns, and when she does, a figure walks by the camera. Natalie looks around.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Why is there a camera pointed at me? Hello? Uh, who are you, and why are you filming me?
>Natalie -
Hello?
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Oh, tee hee. This is a book, not a phone.
>She sighs, and goes back to looking when she hears a rustling sound.
WILLOW: So, what, now on top of everything else, she has to deal with mice?
>Natalie stops. There's indistinct whispering somewhere in the library.
SPIKE: Whispering in a library? Good, god, what is this world coming to?
>Then a noise like a chair being pushed back.
Natalie -
Someone there?
No response. Natalie just shrugs it off and continues her search. She finds what she's been looking for. She pulls it off the shelf.
XANDER: (as Natalie) Hello, Pokey Little Puppy!
>CLOSE ON:
The book. The title is:
BUFFY: Life, And How To Get One.
WILLOW: Love, And How To Find It.
SPIKE: Sex, And How To Find Someone To Have It With.
XANDER: (to the others) I'm sticking by my Pokey Little Puppy!
>THE ENCYCLOPEDIA OF URBAN LEGENDS."
NORMAL VIEW
Natalie presses the book against her chest,
XANDER: (as Natalie) I love you book, you're my only friend.
>so that no one can see the title.
SPIKE: ...meanwhile, all the other patrons are walking around holding up their copies of Playboy, Playgirl, and Hustler, showing them to each other and high-fiving.
>She heads out of the aisle. Suddenly, a noise behind her. Natalie turns, and in that instance she bumps into...
SASHA!
SPIKE: Oh, my god! Not... Sasha! This script is a bit overdramatic.
XANDER: A bit.
>Natalie gasps. Sasha laughs.
WILLOW: (as Sasha) Ha ha, it's funny to scare people who think serial killers are after them.
BUFFY: Will, do you know what that is?
SPIKE: (groans) Do we have to?
XANDER: I'll go first! Um... ok. Parker screams. Paul snorts.
BUFFY: Me next! Me next! Brenda sneezes. Michelle barks.
WILLOW: (laughing) Damon burps. Wexler sings.
SPIKE: (sighs) Reese shrieks. Dean Adams cries.
>She also has a book. She holds it out to Natalie.
Sasha -
Hey, Nat. Look what I found.
Natalie -
What?
XANDER: (as Sasha) See Spot Run.
BUFFY: (as Natalie, claps excitedly) Yay!
>Sasha opens the book to a page. It has illustrations of people in weird sexual positions.
WILLOW: Wow. See Spot Run sure has changed since I was a kid.
Sasha - (re:the book)
An early edition of Kama Sutra....with illustrations. Think Parker will get into it?
SPIKE: (as Natalie) Um, let me think... he's a guy, isn't he?
BUFFY: ...yeah.
XANDER: (as Natalie) There's your answer.
>Natalie -
Does he have a choice?
SPIKE: Oh, please. The boy will probably lose it when he sees the book, let alone being asked to do any of the things in it.
WILLOW: (impressed) Wow, check out the restraint you used just now.
SPIKE: Yeah. I could've said he'd--
WILLOW: (stares at him pointedly)
SPIKE: But I won't.
>Sasha -
No.
They're both giggling like little school girls. Sasha notices Natalie's book.
BUFFY: (as Sasha) Oh, I didn't know you could read. And it's the Pokey Little Puppy! How cute!
>Sasha -
What's that?
Natalie -
Um...
WILLOW: (as Natalie) ... those of us in the know call them... books.
>She reluctantly shows the book to Sasha.
Sasha -
Nat, don't tell me you still believe--
BUFFY: (as Sasha) ...in the easter bunny?
>Natalie -
I don't know.
XANDER: (as Natalie) The evidence is all pointing in one direction...
>INT. LIBRARY - LATER
Natalie and Sasha sit a table,
WILLOW: Really. And, how exactly, did they do that?
SPIKE: (to Willow) Ancient chinese secret.
WILLOW: (accusingly) Hey! You know pop culture!
SPIKE: I do watch t.v., you know.
>looking at the Urban Legend book. Natalie flips through the book, Sasha looking on. Natalie doesn't see anything of interest until she sees one picture.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) I can't read, but pictures? Whew! I'm a whiz when it comes to pictures.
>CLOSE ON:
The book. There's a picture of a woman sprawled out on a bed, her
wrists slit. The words "Aren't you glad you didn't turn on the lights" written on the wall in the woman's blood.
SPIKE: (as Natalie) Hmm, that looks cool! I should do that to Brenda!
>NORMAL VIEW
Natalie glances at it a moment longer, then turns the page.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Nah, not violent enough. On to more important things. Namely, me.
>She comes to what she's been looking for.
XANDER: (as Natalie) Ooo, look! Bunnies!
>CLOSE ON:
The book. It shows a man hanging from a tree by his feet, his arms raking the roof of the car. The girlfriend is in the car, a frightened expression on his face.
WILLOW: Um, if the girlfriend has a frightened expression on his face, then I think they've got some major problems aside from the whole hanging-from-a-tree thing.
>Natalie - (o.s)
This is it.
SPIKE: (as Natalie) ...this is what I want to do to Brenda.
WILLOW: (as Sasha) Are you sure?
SPIKE: (as Natalie) Definitely.
>NORMAL VIEW
The picture is really disturbing Natalie. Sasha glances at the book, then Natalie.
BUFFY: (as Sasha) You know, in this light, you've got this... hair thing going on... and a nose thing. You should get those fixed.
>She turns a few pages. She comes to another picture.
XANDER: (as Natalie) More bunnies!
>CLOSE ON:
The picture. It shows two cars on a road. One has its lights off, and the other one seems to be flashing their high beams.
NORMAL VIEW
Sasha -
This is definitely not a myth.
WILLOW: Is too.
>Natalie -
What?
WILLOW: (to Natalie) A myth.
>Sasha - (re:the picture)
The gang high beam initiation. It happens all the time. Gang members drive around at night with their headlights off. And when someone goes to flash them their high-beams to warn 'em, they
BUFFY: (as Sasha) ...take them out for ice-cream to thank them. I had chocolate fudge ripple.
>kill 'em. That's why I never warn anybody about anything when I drive.
BUFFY: (as Sasha) Even that one time last summer when I saw a guy in a slicker and a huge hook chasing some teenagers down the street.
>A pause. The picture seems to upset Natalie.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) While it may seem like I'm upset about the picture, I'm actually just thinking about dinner. It's meatloaf Tuesday.
>Sasha -
Anyway, I gotta go. I've got some homework.
They laugh at this. They know exactly what Sasha's homework will be.
SPIKE: To build a fireplace.
XANDER: Masonry's a delicate process.
>Natalie -
Okay. See ya.
Sasha stands up.
Sasha -
Bye.
WILLOW: (as Sasha) Loser.
>Natalie continues to look at the book while Sasha leaves.
INT. NATALIE AND TOSH'S DORM ROOM
CLOSE ON:
The computer screen. Tosh is in a Goth chat room. She types:Goth guys on campus looking to hook up... I-M me.
CLOSE ON:
Tosh, still smoking a cigarette. She waits for a reply.
BUFFY: ...two days later, she was still waiting. It was sad really.
WILLOW: (as Sasha) Loser.
>She doesn't have to wait long.
XANDER: ...unless you count a month as a long time.
>CLOSE ON:
The screen. A response comes. The response is:We're on similar dark paths.
SPIKE: (as computer guy) ... we both wear black leather, black make-up, and we dyed our hair black... we're as evil as they come. (scoffs) They're practically still wearing nappies, and they think they're evil.
BUFFY: Wearing what?
WILLOW: Diapers.
>CLOSE ON:
Tosh. She blows smoke into the air.
WILLOW: (as Tosh) Pretty. Ooo, I made pretty.
>She begins typing.
CLOSE ON:
The computer screen. Tosh tpes:What U into? The response is:
XANDER: Bad spelling? Oh, and sheep. U?
>Lithium.
CLOSE ON:
Tosh. She smiles, obviously finding a guy she can relate to.
WILLOW: (as Tosh) I love sheep and bad spelling!
>CLOSE ON:
The computer screen. Tosh types:My type of guy.
XANDER: (as Tosh) I'm totally into guys who drool. Any droolers out there?
>INT. LIBRARY
Natalie pulls the sign out sheet out of the front page of the book. The last entry is...Damon Brooks. Natalie puts the card down. Maybe she is paranoid. Maybe it was Damon playing a trick on her. Maybe...
BUFFY: Maybe she really is insane...
WILLOW: Maybe she really is an attention-grabber...
XANDER: Maybe she really is a nagger...
SPIKE: Maybe she really is a bitch...
>INT. NATALIE AND TOSH'S DORM ROOM
CLOSE ON:
Tosh's fingers as she types. Her fingernails are painted black.
SPIKE: As I said.
BUFFY: (to Spike) Your nails are painted black.
SPIKE: I really am evil though. Two completely different things.
OTHERS: Mmm.
>CLOSE ON:
The screen. Tosh has typed:Where U at?
XANDER: (as computer guy) At my computer, U?
>CLOSE ON:
Tosh, a sexy look in her eyes. She is obviously smitten by this man.
WILLOW: I'm here to tell you, Tosh, computer dates never work out.
SPIKE: (gives Willow a look) You dated a guy off the computer?
WILLOW Uh-huh. He tried to kill us all. Big demony guy.
SPIKE: How have you guys survived this long?
BUFFY: Skill.
WILLOW: Timing.
XANDER: Dumb luck.
>CLOSE ON:
The computer screen. The response:Close.
CLOSE ON:
Tosh. She begins to type.
CLOSE ON:
BUFFY: Ack. All these close ons are giving me a headache.
>The computer screen. Tosh has written:tease.
XANDER: Yeah, a guy who's into drugs and goth says he's close to her, a girl he's never met, and she thinks he's a prince.
WILLOW: (as Tosh) My hero.
>CLOSE ON:
Tosh. She smiles and begins typing.
CLOSE ON:
The computer screen. Tosh is typing:Gonna get ready. Tell me what room U R in.
SPIKE: (as computer guy) Yours. Boo.
>CLOSE ON:
Tosh. She picks up her black purse. She stands up. She glances back at the screen before heading for the door.
XANDER: ...tragically, she forgets to open it, and ends up knocking herself out. (as Tosh) Doh!
>INT. HALLWAY
Tosh opens the door and steps outside. She closes the door behind her.
WILLOW: ...tragically, her shirt gets caught in the door. When she walks away, her shirt stops her short, and she flies backward, slamming her head into the door, knocking herself out. (as Tosh) Doh!
>EXT. LIBRARY
Natalie walks down the stone steps.
BUFFY: ...tragically, she slips, and falls, knocking herself out. (as Natalie) Oops!
>INT. BATHROOM
Tosh sets her purse down by the sink and opens it. She pulls out her black lipstick.
SPIKE: (clears his throat)
BUFFY: Yeah, yeah, yeah, you were right. We get it.
>She takes the cap off and starts applying the lipstick.
SPIKE: ...tragically, someone's filled the lipstick tube with poison. She applies the lipstick, passes out, and dies. The end.
WILLOW: Ahem.
SPIKE: Oh, yeah. (as Tosh) Doh!
>EXT. CAMPUS
Natalie walks down the sidewalk, heading for her dorm.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) La, la, la, I haven't a care in the world. La, la, la. I hope no killers are lurking about. La, la, la.
>INT. BATHROOM
Tosh closes her purse, grabs it, and leaves the bathroom.
Chapter 4