Urban Legends Are Parodies Too (btvs-mst3k fic)

[sinecure]

Title: Urban Legends Are Parodies Too an MST of Urban Legend (6/6)
Author: sinecure - My master fic list
Rating: R
Summary: An MST-style fic Starring Spike, Willow, Xander, and Buffy. I stuck them in a room that's grown into a house, and they can't get out. Wanna know more? Read my first two parodies: I Know What They Parodied Last Summer, and, I Still Know What They Parodied Last Summer. That should clear some things up.
Disclaimer: The movie they're riffing on--Urban Legend--and the shows Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel (in case I mention stuff from there), and Mystery Science Theater 3000, don't belong to me and I make no money off of them.
A/N: This takes place during season 4, sometime in the middle. After Oz leaves, but before Tara comes in. Anya's in the picture, so is Riley. And that's about it I think.

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********

Willow, Buffy, and Spike headed into the kitchen while Xander stayed behind in the hall. He opened the door to the outside, their only link to the world, and stood nose-to-nose with the barrier. If they ever got out of here, he vowed to never again spend more than eight hours inside his house, and then only while he was asleep. The wind was blowing softly, bringing his attention to the tree branches slightly swaying this way and that.

Using his index finger, he traced the edge of the sidewalk against the barrier, then continued on to the curb. His finger tingled slightly with the prolonged touching of the invisible thing-a-ma-bobber, but he kept it up. He missed Anya. Missed Giles. Even missed his parents. And for them, he wanted out of here, but that was the extent of his urge to leave the house. Sure, he wanted out, but only if he could keep in mind specific reasons for leaving.

His finger lifted a tiny space to jump the street, and continue past the bushes, to the three people walking by-- people? Standing straighter, he peered through the doorway, trying to see the people better, and when he did, he freaked.

Willow grinned at Buffy. They were in the kitchen with Spike, telling jokes. Well, she and Buffy were telling jokes, Spike was rolling his eyes and pretending not to pay attention to them, which he so obviously was. Otherwise he would've left the room long before. He wasn't actually eating or drinking anything, just leaning against the counter and staring at the floor, the ceiling, the walls, anything but them.

"Knock-knock," she told Buffy, her grin widening at Buffy's playful groan.

"Who's there?" Buffy asked, then jumped to her feet when Xander started yelling for them at the top of his lungs.

"Buffy! Willow! Come here. Over here, Buffy. Buffy!"

They all started out of the kitchen at a run, which came to a dead stop when Xander yelled out his own name.

Spike chuckled, striding out the door into the hall. "He's gone bonkers for good."

Ten minutes later, they were sitting on the couch, staring straight ahead. Finally, Xander said what they were all thinking.

"Clones." He sat forward, raising his hands in a shrug. "What else could it be?"

Okay, so, that wasn't actually what they were all thinking. Buffy shook her head and sighed. "Not clones. I vote for robots. Definitely robots."

Spike snorted in disgust. "Please. They weren't robots. Technology that good isn't around yet."

"Yeah," Xander agreed, "it's not like the government, or anyone else has made some kind of vampire leash... oh, wait!"

Willow stood up, and paced a few feet away. "Spike's right. At least, as far as I know, and I'm kind of up with the technology to date. Or I like to think I am. I say it was a magickal thing. A separation or something like that."

"Right," Spike said, nodding. "Magickally, we've been seperated from our true selves and... well, wait. Who's the true person then. Them, or us?" They all stared at him uneasily, obviously not having come to that disturbing conclusion yet. "I feel whole. Nothing different here."

They all agreed, tossing more uneasy looks at each other. Ten minutes later, they sat down to finish the script and made a promise to discuss ways to get out when they were done. The image of Willow, Buffy, and Xander walking down the street in front of the house they were in, not able to see or hear them, was still uppermost in all their minds.

********

>INT. DORM
Natalie races into the dorm and over to Paul's door. She pounds on it.

XANDER: (as Natalie) Let me out! Let me out! Oh wait. Let me in! Let me in!

>Natalie -
Paul!

No answer. He's not there. She turns to leave and sees Paul entering the dorm.

Natalie -
Paul! Sasha's dead! I just saw the killer!

BUFFY: And already she's making it about her. (as Natalie) I saw the killer. He's after me! I. I. I. Me. Me. Me.

>Paul -
All right. Where did this happen?

WILLOW: (as Natalie) Um, where it happened. Duh.
BUFFY: Totally duh.

>Natalie -
The radio station.

Paul -
Jesus. Come on.

XANDER: (as Natalie) Um, Jesus isn't here. It's just me, Natalie.
WILLOW: (as Paul) Oh fine, you'll do. Come on.

>They start walking toward Paul's dorm room.

XANDER: ...then stop, for no reason whatsoever.
BUFFY: (as Paul) Um, where do I live again?
XANDER: And then Paul gives us a reason via Buffy.

>Paul - (cont'd)
Why did you leave? I thought I told you to stay at the house.

SPIKE: (as Paul) Bad, puppy!

>They reach his door. Paul gets his keys and starts fumbling with them.

BUFFY: (as Paul) Now... how do I do that again? Hold them up and shake them? Or shake them, then hold them up?
WILLOW: (as Natalie) For Brenda? Either way works.

>Paul -
Shit.

XANDER: (as Natalie) Not really feeling the urge, but thanks.

>He finds the right key and puts it in the lock. His hands are shaking. He turns the key and unlocks his door.

INT. PAUL'S DORM ROOM
Paul grabs the phone off the charger and walks over to his bed.

SPIKE: (as Paul) So... wanna have sex now? Otherwise I'm gonna call some other girl and ask her. Got a whole book of girls here... so, sex?
WILLOW: (as Natalie) With you?
SPIKE: (as Paul, sarcastic) No, with my roommate, George.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Oh. Okay, I like George.

>Natalie -
Where were you?

BUFFY: (as Paul) Killing Sasha-- I mean... (scoffs) nowhere. Around. What are you, my mother?

>Paul -
Running all over campus trying to find help. The dean is gone.

XANDER: (as Paul) ...'cause I killed him and all.

>I can't find Reese anywhere.

XANDER: (as Paul) ...and I'd really like to kill her.

>Paul puts the phone to his ear. After a second, he lowers it.

Paul -
It's dead.

BUFFY: (as Natalie) Noooo! Oh, god, no! Not Phone! Phone, speak to me... please, Phone... I loved you so much, and...
OTHERS: O_O
BUFFY: ...and... I need to stop now?
OTHERS: (nod)
BUFFY: Okay.

>He walks over to the charger and puts the phone back on it. He goes back over to his bed.

Paul -
Goddamn storm.

WILLOW: He only said that to give his character some depth. 'Cause, he's definitely lacking in that department.
BUFFY: Totally.

>He turns to Natalie.

XANDER: ...but accidentally spins all the way around, ending where he began.
SPIKE: (as Paul) Huh? What just happened here? Where am I?

>Paul -
We're gonna get the hell outta here. Get off campus and find some help.

He turns his back on Natalie to grab his jacket. In that instance, Natalie grabs the phone and puts it to her ear.

BUFFY: (as Natalie) Speak to me, Phone! Please, I love you, I--

>Paul turns around and Natalie puts the phone down.

BUFFY: (as Natalie) I wasn't doing anything!

>Paul -
What were you doing?

BUFFY: (as Natalie) Nothing, I said!

>Natalie -
I was just making sure the--

SPIKE: (as Natalie) ...wallpaper ends meet squarely... if they don't butt right then--
BUFFY: (to Spike) That was scary.
XANDER: But true.
WILLOW: But scary.

>Paul -
Nat, I told you the phones were dead.

He sees the suspicion in her eyes, the silent accusation.

XANDER: (as Paul, sighs) Look, Natalie, I didn't kill Phone. It was dead when we got here.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Murderer!

>Paul -
Natalie, I'm on your side. Okay? Let's get outta here.

EXT. DORM - NIGHT
The storm is raging. Natalie and Paul push open the doors and start running down the steps.

WILLOW: Schlameil, schlamzel, Hossenpheiffer Corporated!
BUFFY: (singing) And we'll do it our way, yes our way, making our dreams come true...
XANDER: (singing) For me and youuuuu-uuuuuuu-uuuuu-uu-uu-uu-uuuuu.
SPIKE: And you all say I'm scary.

>Paul -
We'll go into town. We'll find a phone that works.

BUFFY: (as Natalie) No! I don't want another Phone. You can't just replace Phone and expect me not to miss him.

>Suddenly, Brenda jumps out in front of them. Natalie screams.

WILLOW: (as Natalie) Get something shiny, Paul! Quick! We can blind her with it.

>Brenda -
What's going on? I heard Sasha on the radio and--

SPIKE: (as Brenda) ...she was starting to tell that couple how to get unstuck, and she never finished. I need to know how to get unstuck in case it happens to me again. The paramedics always laugh.

>Natalie -
She's dead.

Brenda -
Oh my God. Are you sure?

SPIKE: (as Brenda) Damn it, now I'll never know.

>Paul -
C'mon, we're outta here.

Paul grabs Brenda's arm and all three of them begin running.

Brenda -
What?

XANDER: What's with these people asking 'what' at the end of scenes?
OTHERS: What?

>INT. RADIO STATION/MAIN HALL

XANDER: Ha ha, guys. Cute. Very funny.

>We look up at the room where Sasha was killed.

Reese - (o.s.)
Hello?

BUFFY: (as Reese) ...Sasha? Hi! I'm here to help... hello? I know it's been, like, two hours, but I had to stop for donuts. I am in training to be a real cop, you know.

>INT. SASHA'S RADIO ROOM
The woman Sasha was talking to before the killer attacked can be heard, her words repeating over and over.

Woman -
I'm not stuck, he is. I'm not stuck, he is.

WILLOW/BUFFY: (giggle)

>The words keep repeating. The door to the producer's booth opens and Reese comes in. She gasps when she sees Sasha's mutilated body. She gasps, horrified. She turns and runs out of the room.

BUFFY: (as Reese) Guess I shouldn't have had that last jelly glaze... I feel a little oogie now. (burp!) Nope, all better.

>EXT. CAMPUS
Reese's cop car drives along the road, lights and sirens on.

XANDER: I so want one of those cars!

>INT. COP CAR
Reese talks on the phone. She is talking to Dean Adams's answering machine.

Reese -
Dean Adams? This is Reese.

WILLOW: (as Reese) ...I'm in nothing but a pink silk nightie... and I'm on my way to your house for some lovin'.
SPIKE: Nice.
WILLOW: (shrugs modestly) I try.

>Nothing.

Reese -
Hello? Are you there? Well, you have my number. Use it.

WILLOW: (as Reese) I don't know why I have sex with that man. He doesn't appreciate me.

>She hangs up the phone.
EXT. ROAD

The cop car speeds along.

XANDER: I want--
OTHERS: We know!

>EXT. ROAD/PAUL'S CAR
Paul's car drives along the road, headed away from the campus.

XANDER: Dude! Now he's got one? I feel so left out!

>INT. PAUL'S CAR
Paul drives, stone faced. Natalie sits in the passenger seat, while Brenda sits in the back.

BUFFY: ...staring at the keys dangling from the ignition.
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Shiny?
BUFFY: (as Natalie) That's right, Brenda. Shiny.

>Nobody speaks. There is a long silence. Paul concentrates on driving, trying to see out the window.

SPIKE: ...but the sunshade is still up, and he can't reach it going ninety.

>Natalie -
Hey, do you smell something?

WILLOW: (as Brenda) Well, I didn't wanna say anything...

>Paul - (sniffs)
No.

SPIKE: (as Paul) ...just my own overwhelming B.O., and the Hootie pee, but other than that... no.

>Brenda looks out the window.

Brenda -
Hey, maybe we should stop over there at that gas station. See if the phones work.

BUFFY: (as Natalie, sobbing) Phone! I love you, Phone! I'll never forget you.

>Paul -
Okay. Fine.

He doesn't seem to like that idea, but he goes along with it.

SPIKE: Well, since he's the killer, he probably wants to get out into the boonies before killing them. Last time, that whole gas station thing almost backfired on him.

>EXT. GAS STATION
Paul's car pulls into the gas station. It parks near a pump.

XANDER: (in awe) I wonder if it fills up its own gas tank. That'd be cool.

>Paul -
Be right back.

WILLOW: (as Paul) Stay alive, no matter what occurs, I will find you!
BUFFY/XANDER: (chuckle)
SPIKE: I don't get it.
WILLOW: Last of the Mohicans.
XANDER: The movie.
BUFFY: Probably not something you've ever seen.
SPIKE: No, but I read the book.
OTHERS: O_O
XANDER: You read?
SPIKE: (rolls his eyes)

>Natalie -
Okay.

Paul opens his door and steps outside. He shuts the door and jogs over to the gas station.

BUFFY: Feel the burn, feel the burn.

>INT. PAUL'S CAR
Brenda sniffs the air.

XANDER: (as Brenda) Human tracks... three, maybe four days old.

>Brenda -
It does reek in here.

XANDER: (as Brenda) Oops... sorry, I had chili for dinner.

>Natalie -
Yeah.

XANDER: (as Natalie) ...put a cork in it, Shiny-Lover.

>Natalie rolls down her window.

Brenda -
Natalie, I'm sorry that I acted like such a jerk about you and Paul. You two like each other, and you should be together.

XANDER: Yeah right. That's it? No fighting, and hair pulling?
WILLOW: (to Xander) There goes that wishful thinking of yours again.

>Natalie smiles, and they hug. Suddenly, they hear Wexler's musical watch start to beep. They pull apart,

BUFFY: ...and start dancing. (as Brenda) Go me! Go me!
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Excuse me?
BUFFY: (as Brenda) I meant, go you! Go you!

>confused. Brenda glances to the back of Paul's car, then back at Natalie.

SPIKE: It's very simple. Paul's a thief.
WILLOW: I thought he was the killer?
SPIKE: Nah. Too easy.

>EXT. GAS STATION
They both open their doors and step outside. Slowly, they make their way to the back of Paul's trunk. Brenda starts to open it. The stench comes out full blown, and they both back away, coughing. Brenda grabs the trunk and flings it open to reveal...

XANDER: ...tiny, little demons with toothpick spears.
SPIKE/BUFFY: Morshack demons.
WILLOW/XANDER: O_O
SPIKE: Ran into them in Brazil a few times.
BUFFY: It was a whole big thing with Riley and the Initiative. All taken care of by now I'm sure. I hope.

>WEXLER'S MUTILATED BODY!

They both gasp and back up. They glance at each other, then at Paul, who stares back at them from the gas station, phone pressed up against his ear. He watches them, confused.

SPIKE: (as Paul) What are those things staring at me from my truck?
XANDER: (as customer) Those are called, 'women'.

>Brenda -
Like I said, he's all yours.

They start to back away from the car, then they turn and run. They run across the street and

SPIKE: ...get smashed by an eighteen wheeler. Scene!

>into the forest.

BUFFY: (laughs) Oh, there just happens to be a forest near. Right.
WILLOW: There's a forest in Sunnydale.
BUFFY: Yeah, but-- and they-- okay.

>Paul throws the phone down and runs out of the gas station. He runs across the street and down the hill into the forest.

SPIKE: (as Paul) My 'women' are getting away. Come back, 'women'.

>Paul -
Natalie!

Natalie and Brenda run side by side, pushing branches out of their way.

WILLOW: Schlameil, schlamzel, Hossenpheiffer Corporated!
BUFFY: (singing) And we'll do it our way, yes our way--
SPIKE: No.
BUFFY: But, it's LaVerne--
WILLOW: --and Shirley!
SPIKE: Definitely no.
XANDER: Party pooper.

>Brenda -
Where are we going?

BUFFY: (as Natalie) Hopefully somewhere where lots of people are-- doh! We were just at a crowded gas station... duh. Should've stayed there.

>Natalie -
Back to campus.

Paul chases them, trying to catch up.

ALL: (laugh at Paul)

>Natalie climbs over a small hill, pushing branches out of her way.

WILLOW: ...and smacking Brenda in the face with them.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Take that! And that! That one's for being in too many scenes with me, and this one's for being so stupid, and that's--
XANDER: Enough.

>Brenda almost slips, grabbing on to Natalie for support. They continue to run.

Paul runs as fast as he can, trying to find Natalie and Brenda in the forest.

SPIKE: (as Paul) The 'women' are too fast for me. I suck.

>Paul -
Natalie!

Brenda and Natalie continue to run, faster and faster. Suddenly, Brenda slips and falls down. She cries out,

BUFFY: (as Brenda) Bitch!
SPIKE: (as Natalie) Did you say something, Natalie?
BUFFY: (as Brenda) Um, no... (whispers) bitch.

>but Natalie doesn't hear her. Natalie continues to run, overcome by

WILLOW: ...selfishness. She doesn't give a fig for Brenda. Never has, never will.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) It's about me! Me, I tell ya! Me!

>panic. She runs out of the forest. It isn't until she's surrounded by tall weeds that she realizes that Brenda's missing.

XANDER: (scoffs) Yeah, right.

>Natalie -
Brenda!

Suddenly, a shriek from Brenda echoes around her.

ALL: YAY!
SPIKE: Die, Brenda! Die!

>Natalie -
Brenda!

The next voice she hears is not Brenda's but Paul's.

XANDER: (as Paul) Natalie, I won't kill you... I like you. I just want to kill Brenda.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Oh, okay! Over here, Paul, I'll help you.

>Paul - (o.s.)
Natalie!

This spurs Natalie into

XANDER: ...trees.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Ow.

>motion. She races ahead, heedless of the

SPIKE: ...elephant gaining on her.
BUFFY: (squish)
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Ow.

>branches and weeds slapping at her. She pushes everything out of her way,

BUFFY: ...including the ten policemen trying to help her. Unable to stop her, they shoot her with a tranquilizer dart.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Ow.

>fear driving her. She breaks

SPIKE: ...her neck.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Ow.

>from all the trees and weeds. She sees a road up ahead. She makes a mad dash for it.

XANDER: ...but slips and falls, rolling back down the embankment, hitting her head on a rock at the bottom.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Ow.

>She makes it to the road.

WILLOW: (as Natalie) Ow.
OTHERS: ...?
WILLOW: Habit... sorry.

>She climbs over the guard rail and runs into the middle of the road. A truck

BUFFY: ...smacks into her. She gets stuck under the tire and is dragged for a good mile.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Ow.

>stops. Inside is the janitor.

BUFFY: See, if Reese hadn't made him leave... Natalie never would've run into him and gotten killed.
XANDER: Oh, now the janitor is the killer?
BUFFY: Of course.

>Natalie -
Stop, stop!

The janitor rolls down his window.

Janitor -
What's wrong?

WILLOW: (as Natalie) I have no Grey Poupon.

>Natalie -
Someone's after me.

WILLOW: (as Natalie) ...and I have no Grey Poupon.

>Janitor -
Get in.

XANDER: (as janitor) I'll turn on the lights and siren I keep in here for emergencies. And Grey Poupon outage is an emergency!

>Natalie makes her way to the other side of the truck and opens the door and climbs in.

SPIKE: ...but, not knowing how to use a door, she falls back out.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Ow.

>INT. TRUCK
Natalie closes the door and sits back. The janitor puts his foot on the gas and the truck starts moving.

BUFFY: Oh! That's how that works! I always tried to put my foot on the brake to make it go. Never quite worked.
WILLOW: (giggles) With your driving, I believe that.
BUFFY: Hey. Leave me and my vehicular skills out of this.
XANDER: Or lack thereof.
SPIKE: (laughs) You can't drive, Slayer? Tsk.
BUFFY: It's by choice, thank you very much.
WILLOW: (laughing) Yeah, you choose not to put everyone in danger by being on the road.
BUFFY: (ahem!)

>Janitor -
You okay?

Natalie -
No.

XANDER: (as janitor) Well, I didn't actually want a real answer. A false, 'yes' would've sufficed.

>Janitor -
Got a coat right there.

WILLOW: ...okay. Is he proud of that fact, or....?
BUFFY: I think he's offering it to her.
WILLOW: Oh. Okay then.

>Natalie turns in her seat to grab the coat, but stops. It's the same coat the killer wore!

ALL: Oh, my god! (snicker)
XANDER: Where exactly are they that everyone at this college has the same coat? A parka, at that.
BUFFY: (shrugs) L.L. Bean University?

>She looks up at the janitor, horrified. She doesn't know if he's the killer, but she doesn't want to stick around and find out.

SPIKE: Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump!

>Janitor -
Ain't gonna bite ya.

XANDER: (as janitor) I won't, but the coat might.

>Natalie backs away, pressing herself against the door.

BUFFY: ...the door flies open, spilling Natalie out into the street.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Ow.

>Natalie -
Okay, just let me out right here.

Janitor -
What?

SPIKE: (as Natalie) I said, um... obey must, me doubt light beer.

>Natalie grabs the handle and starts jerking it,

SPIKE: I've got better things she could be jerking--
WILLOW: (to Spike) And you were doing so well.
SPIKE: Exactly the problem. I feel better now.

>but it won't open. She continues to try, grunting from the effort.

Janitor -
What are you doing?

SPIKE: (as Natalie) Jerking off the door. It's not very responsive though.
OTHERS: (groan)

>Natalie turns to the janitor, frightened.

Natalie -
Please, just let me out.

Janitor - (matter of factly)
Door won't open from the inside.

XANDER: (as janitor) Muwahahahahaha! Wahaha! Waha. Muwa... O_O
WILLOW: Wow, that was... evil, Xander.
BUFFY: Totally.
SPIKE: (snorts) Totally wimpy maybe.

>Natalie stares, scared. She's trapped inside a small truck with someone who could be a killer. She continues to try to open the door, wanting to desperately get out.

Janitor -
Stop that!

BUFFY: (as janitor) How dare you try to get free? What's the matter with you?

>When Natalie continues, he grabs her.

XANDER: (as janitor) Got your boobie!
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Um, sir, it's actually... 'got your nose', and that is my nose... so...
XANDER: (as janitor) Got your boobie!
WILLOW: (as Natalie) ...well, okay!

>Janitor -
What's wrong with ya?

BUFFY: (as Natalie, whispering) You've got boogers, sir. And you're icky.

>Natalie looks around desperately, wanting to escape. The janitor looks out the front windshield. So does Natalie.

SPIKE: (as janitor) Oh... look. I can drive better when I look out this big clear thing in front. Imagine that.
XANDER: (as Natalie) I'm just as shocked as you are, sir.

>NATALIE'S POV
Paul's car appears, lights off.

XANDER: Oh, his car is broken. I don't want one anymore if they break that easily.

>NORMAL VIEW
The janitor reaches for a button.

BUFFY: ...causing fire to shoot out of the dashboard and burn Natalie up.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Ow.

>Janitor -
Idiot kids.

Natalie -
NO!

BUFFY: Okay, so, now who does she think is the killer?
SPIKE: Paul?
XANDER: The janitor.
SPIKE: No. Paul.
XANDER: No. The janitor.
WILLOW: Or... she has no idea.

>The janitor pushes the button.

SPIKE: ...and the truck explodes.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Ow.

>EXT. ROAD
The truck's lights flash. The two cars pass right by each other.

WILLOW: (singing) Stranger's in the night...
XANDER: (singing) ...exchanging glances...

>INT. TRUCK
Natalie looks out the back windshield.

XANDER: More commonly known as the back window.

>NATALIE'S POV
The car makes a swift U-turn. It starts chasing Natalie and the
janitor.

WILLOW: Christine, no!

>NORMAL VIEW

Natalie -
It's him.

SPIKE: (as janitor) Him, who?
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Him, the killer.
SPIKE: (as janitor) And who's the killer?
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Him.

>The janitor looks out the back windshield.

XANDER: Still more commonly known as the back window.

>JANITOR'S POV
Sure enough, it's the killer. The lights on Paul's truck start to
flash.

NORMAL VIEW
Natalie goes hysterical.

WILLOW: (as Natalie going hysterical) Eek.

>Natalie -
Keep going! Keep going! Come on!

EXT. ROAD
Paul's car gets dangerously close, its lights flashing.

INT. TRUCK

Natalie -
Keep going! Faster!

SPIKE: Is she being chased, or having sex?

>EXT. ROAD
The two cars come to a bend. Paul's car gets right alongside the
janitor's. Natalie looks out the window

BUFFY: ...just as it shatters.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Ow.

>and sees the killer staring at her.

BUFFY: Natalie is not cooperating with the deaths we keep giving her.
WILLOW: No, she's not. Bad, Natalie.

>He suddenly grabs his wheel and rams right into the truck.

The truck swerves to the side. Another bend is coming up. Right as they start to turn, the killer smashes his car into the truck.
Natalie and the janitor scream as the truck flies off the road, into the air.

The truck hits the ground, hard.

WILLOW: (as Natalie) Ow.

>It rolls down a hill before coming to a stop.

WILLOW: (as Natalie) Ow. Ow. Ow... ow.

>INT. TRUCK
Natalie looks over at the janitor.

SPIKE: She just doesn't die. She's like... you, Slayer.
BUFFY: And you, Vampire.

>Huge gashes are on his head. He doesn't move. He's dead.

BUFFY: Oh, look. Now she's responisble for another death. What's the toll up to?
SPIKE: Eight without this guy, and nine if you count Hootie.

>Natalie rolls down the window. She reaches out with her arm and opens the truck's door.

EXT. FOREST
Natalie climbs out of the truck and heads for the forest. She turns and looks behind her, trying to see if the killer's chasing her. She turns and runs down a dirt path.

XANDER: Oh, look. More running. We could just... skip this part. And all the other long boring parts.
WILLOW: That'd be wrong.
SPIKE: Why are we reading these anyway? Who says we have to?
BUFFY: No one... specifically. But I feel like something might happen if we don't.
WILLOW: Me too.
XANDER: Ditto.
SPIKE: (sighs)

>INT. CAMPUS SECURITY STATION
Reese pushes open the doors and walks over to her desk. She opens a drawer and pulls out a case. She lays it on the desk and opens it. Inside is a very big, very formidable

SPIKE: ...banana.

>gun. Reese picks up the

SPIKE: ...banana

>gun and the clip. She looks over at a poster of Pam Greer,

SPIKE: It's Grier. I already explained this once before. Get it straight, people.

>and nods. She slams the clip into the

SPIKE: ...banana, smashing it and getting sticky goop all over the clip.
XANDER: (as Reese) Damn, should've used a gun instead.

>gun.

EXT. CAMPUS - LATER
Natalie runs out of the forest and across the street. She comes to a tall, rectangular intercom booth. She pushes the button. It buzzes.

WILLOW: (as Natalie) Hello, Miss Cleo? I'm being chased by a killer, what should I do?
BUFFY: (as Miss Cleo) Call somebody who cares, honey. I don't.

>Natalie -
Hello? Anybody there?

She presses the button again.

Natalie -
Hello? Can anybody hear me? Hello?

XANDER: The operators are all listening to her and giggling.

>Brenda - (o.s.)
Somebody help me!

Natalie is stunned.

SPIKE: (as Natalie) Brenda's not dead yet. What does it take to kill that girl?

>She looks into the distance. There stands Stanley Hall, a light illuminating from one room.

WILLOW: Stanley Hall... supposedly haunted... anyone else seeing similarities here?
BUFFY: Between?
XANDER: The Shining!
SPIKE: The Stanley Hotel in Colorado.
BUFFY: Oh, yeah. I remember now.
WILLOW: Yep. I think someone's a thief. Hear that, Mr. Writer?

>Brenda - (o.s.)
Oh, God!

Natalie looks up at the window.

SPIKE: (as Natalie) Should I help her... or let her get killed? Hmm, decisions, decisions.

>Brenda SCREAMS!

ALL: Shut up!

>Natalie starts running toward Stanley Hall, intent on

XANDER: ..doing the Macarena with Brenda's dead body.

>saving her friend.

Brenda - (o.s.)
Somebody help me!

BUFFY: Oh, shut up. Help's on the way already, loud mouth.

>Natalie runs over to a window. She looks around. She spots some wood piled up. She climbs onto it and lifts herself up.

WILLOW: (as Natalie) Peek-a-boo!

>INT. STANLEY HALL
Rats chew on pieces of wood and other assorted junk.

XANDER: Sounds like your place, Spike.
SPIKE: Eat me.
XANDER: I, unlike you, don't eat people.
SPIKE: (mutters) Poor, Anya.
WILLOW: (bursts out laughing)
BUFFY: (suspicious) What's so funny?
SPIKE: (shrugs)
BUFFY: Then, what's Willow laughing about?
WILLOW: (laughs) Nothing... just, um, ha. Funny movie. Look.
XANDER/BUFFY: (look suspicious)

>They scatter suddenly when Natalie climbs through the window. She crouches and begins to walk, not wanting to touch anything.

BUFFY: ...okay.

Brenda - (o.s.)
Somebody help me! He's going to kill me!

ALL: We can only hope.

>Natalie stands up and walks out of the room.

XANDER: ...deciding not to crawl the whole way.

>INT. MAIN ROOM
Natalie enters the main hall, looking around carefully, trying to
determine where Brenda's screams are coming from.

XANDER: (in a deep, mencaing voice) The calls are coming from... inside the house!

Brenda - (o.s.)
Please!

XANDER: Hey! Did she just scoff at me?

>Her cries for help are coming from up stairs. Natalie makes her way over to the stairs.

WILLOW: ...but decides there are too many steps to climb, so, she gives up and leaves.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Oh, well. Sorry, Brenda. I tried.

>Brenda - (o.s.)
Please, somebody help me!

Natalie begins to climb the stairs. She holds onto the railing for support.

SPIKE: ...because she's suddenly eighty, and unable to walk.

>She makes it to the first platform. She begins to ascend the final steps. She stops when she hears Brenda sobbing.

WILLOW: ...then turns around and runs out of there laughing.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Brenda's dying! Yay! Brenda's finally dying.

>Brenda - (o.s.)
Please don't.

Natalie climbs the rest of the stairs and starts to walk down the hall. The door to room 202 is slightly open. Natalie pushes it open and walks inside.

WILLOW: This is beyond boring.
SPIKE: You mean, you're not on the edge of your seat with suspense?
WILLOW: (looks at Spike from her lounging position on the chair beside him) Nope.

>INT. ROOM 202

BUFFY: Wait a minute! Room 202 was in I Still Know What You Did Last Summer! It's a conspiracy. A conspiracy, I tell you.
XANDER: Or... a coincidence?
BUFFY: I don't believe in coincidences.

>A small room with two beds. Suddenly, the door slams close and Brenda screams. Natalie whips around to the door and grabs the knob, trying to open it. No luck.

WILLOW: ...so, she gives up and goes home.
SPIKE: (as Natalie) Screw this... you're on your own, Brenda.

>She looks around, spots a door and runs over there. She grabs the knob and opens it.

SPIKE: Opens the knob?
WILLOW: Oh, no. Attack of the literal-ness.

A barrel falls out of the closet, Parker's lifeless body tumbling out of the barrel!

ALL: (flatly) Ahh.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Ow.
SPIKE: ...?
WILLOW: It fell on her.

>Natalie screams and backs away. She backs into the bed.

XANDER: ...and decides to take a nap.

>Suddenly, she stops. She looks down and sees that a hand is sticking out from the covers.

XANDER: (as Natalie) Damn... this bed's already taken.

>Natalie doesn't move. She reaches out slowly for the covers. She grabs it and pulls it back to reveal...

DEAN ADAMS'S BLOODY CORPSE!

ALL: (flatly) Ahh.
BUFFY: Ew, Dean Adams goosed her.

>Natalie screams and runs toward the only door left. She throws it open and screams

XANDER: ...like James Brown.

>when Damon's body flies out at her.

ALL: (flatly) Ahh.
XANDER: I am so terrified.

>He's hanging from the ceiling, a noose around his neck. His face is still flecked with blood. Various types of chains hang from the ceiling.

SPIKE: (sing-songing) Someone's a sadist, or a masochist. Or both.
WILLOW: Or, someone's a killer.
SPIKE: Or all three.
WILLOW: The sado masochism doesn't go with the killer part?
SPIKE: No.
WILLOW: Oh.

>Natalie pushes past Damon's body and into the small hallway. She comes to a door and pushes it

BUFFY: ...but it's locked, so, she gives up and leaves.

>open.

INT. ROOM
It's the room Natalie saw when she was buzzing for help. There are candles everywhere.

XANDER: (as Natalie) Awww, Paul, did you set all this up? A candlelit dinner? You're so sweet! Could've done without the mutilated bodies though.

>The room is very dreary. Natalie walks into the room. She starts to look around.

WILLOW: (as Natalie) Let's see... some curtains, a few throw rugs... new furniture, a little paint. We'll have this place looking great in not time!

>She gasps when she sees the bed in the center of the room. On the bed is...

XANDER: ...Paul and Reese.
OTHERS: Ew.
XANDER: Okay. Paul and Brenda.
OTHERS: Ew.
XANDER: (exasperated) Okay. Brenda and Reese.
OTHERS: That's better.
XANDER: Ew.

>BRENDA!

Her body is motionless. Natalie begins to sob.

BUFFY: (as Natalie) Wah.

>She sinks to the floor by the bed. She sobs uncontrollably. Nothing matters any more. Her friends are dead. One of them might be the killer. Her whole world has been shattered.

BUFFY: (as Natalie) Wah, wah, wah! Woe is me, and nobody loves me, and woe is me. I'm so abused. People always try to kill me. Wah. Pity me. Pity me.

>She's so lost in thought that she doesn't notice Brenda rise up from the bed. Natalie senses something and she turns just when Brenda punches her right in the face.

ALL BUT WILLOW: O_O
WILLOW: Serves her right.

>Natalie falls to the floor,

WILLOW: (as Natalie) I've fallen and I can't get up.

>unconscious. Brenda slowly smiles.

FADE OUT

XANDER: Yeah! It's over!

>FADE IN

XANDER: Aw, man.

>INT. ROOM
NATALIE'S POV
Brenda enters the room, wearing the parka. She comes toward Natalie and bends down. She rips the hood back.

WILLOW: (as Brenda) Ta-da!

>Brenda -
Gotcha!

WILLOW: That works too.

>She begins to unzip the parka.

SPIKE: Ooo, naked Brenda?
BUFFY: No. Geez, is that all you care about? Sex, and blood?
SPIKE: Pretty much.

>NORMAL VIEW
Natalie is tied to the bed, duck tape

ALL: (laugh)
BUFFY: (as announcer) And the correct pronunciation is...
ALL: Duct tape!

>over her mouth.

Brenda -
I must say Natalie, you have proven your friendship to me. Coming all the way out here to rescue me...without even a little pepper spray to defend yourself. Very endearing.

BUFFY: (as Natalie) Cool, then you'll let me go? Great, thanks.

>Natalie mumbles something.

Brenda -
Excuse me? I'm sorry, but I can't understand a thing you're saying, doll.

SPIKE: I think I like her now.
XANDER: Yeah, me too.
BUFFY: She's better than she was.
WILLOW: I still can't stand her.

>Natalie mumbles something again.

Brenda - (chuckling)
Now, if I remove the gag, you've got to promise me that you won't

WILLOW: (as Brenda) ...wave anything shiny in front of my face... I'm still succeptible.

>scream. Lord knows I got enough of that with Sasha.

She waves to Natalie. Brenda laughs and tears the gag off.

Natalie -
You're fucking crazy!

SPIKE: Well, technically she's not fu--
WILLOW: Spike.
SPIKE: Fu--
WILLOW: Spike!
SPIKE: Fucking! There, I got it out, bloody hell. (clears his throat) Anyway, as I was saying. Technically, she's not fucking, just crazy.

>Brenda laughs. She gets up off the bed and walks over to the foot of the bed.

Brenda -
I prefer the term "eccentric." But yeah, I guess you could say I'm a little nutty.

Natalie -
Why?

XANDER: (as Brenda) Um, because I sort of am? A little nutty. I mean, why else would I--
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Excuse me... but, I meant, why are you doing this to me? Me. Me. Me. Remember?

>Brenda - (mimicking)
Why? Why? (shouts) Why? You still haven't figured it out, have you?

SPIKE: (as Natalie) Oh yeah, I figured it out a long time ago... I just, uh, I just need confirmation, that's all.

>Well, lucky for you, Miss Thing, I have a visual aid!

WILLOW: I want a cool nickname like that!
XANDER: How about, Miss Witch?
BUFFY: Or, Miss Techie?
SPIKE: Or, Miss Prude?
WILLOW: (sarcastically) Oh, I like them all, so many to choose from.

>Brenda storms over to a table and grabs a remote to the projector.

BUFFY: Projector? There's a projector?
SPIKE: Guess so.

>She hits the button. A picture appears on the wall. It shows Brenda wearing a bathing suit,

SPIKE: Pictures!
XANDER: Pictures!

>standing next to a guy.

WILLOW: Pictures!
BUFFY: Pictures!

>Brenda walks over to Natalie.

Brenda -
There I am, Natalie, with my boyfriend. The love of my life.

ALL: Aww.

>She grabs Natalie's head and pulls it close to her.

SPIKE: ...and breaks her neck. Scene!

>Brenda - (cont'd)
Have you found the love of your life yet, Natalie?

BUFFY: (as Natalie) Well, actually--

>Of course not.

BUFFY: (as Natalie) But, I was trying to tell you--

>She shoves Natalie's head back onto the bed.

BUFFY: (as Natalie) Ow. I have found--

>Brenda -
Too self involved to bother.

BUFFY: (as Natalie) Well, okay, you got me there.

>Pic ring any bells, Nat?

The picture changes to show an article from a newspaper. There's a picture of Brenda's boyfriend. The headline reads: "Teen killed in apparent gang initiation." It's the man Natalie and Michelle killed!

XANDER: (gasps in mock surprise) Oh, my god!

>Natalie -
Oh my God.

XANDER: I just covered that.

>Brenda -
Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! His name was David Evans.

BUFFY: Wait. Not David Evans again. Didn't we already go through this in I Know What You Did Last Summer?
WILLOW: That was David Egan.
BUFFY: You sure?
WILLOW: Positive.

>Brenda walks over and stands in front of the picture.

Brenda -
The one you and your friends decided to have a little fun with that night! You know, David and I were going to get married that summer, right after graduation.

SPIKE: (as Natalie) Good thing we killed him then, 'cause look at what a loony psycho bitch you turned out to be.
BUFFY: (as Brenda) Fair enough.

>Tears begin to well up in Brenda's eyes. She tries to stop them.

Brenda -
He didn't have enough money to buy me a ring yet, so he got me this instead.

She grabs the necklace and holds it.

WILLOW: (as Brenda) Ooo, shiny... tee hee... shiny, Natalie. Look.

>Her face turns angry, and she rips the necklace off her neck.

XANDER: (as Brenda) Ow. Why'd I do that? That was stupid.
BUFFY: (as Brenda) No more shiny, Natalie... no more.

>Brenda -
The night you took him away from me!

She throws the necklace to the ground.

WILLOW: (as Natalie) You know, you might actually wanna hang on to that... you might want it later, when you're not being homicidal.

>Natalie -
Brenda, I wasn't--

Brenda -
You weren't driving, but it was your car! And you were there, Natalie!

XANDER: (as Natalie) Well, once again, you've got me.

>She takes in a lungful of air, calming down. She moves over to
Natalie's side.

Brenda -
Now, didn't you tell me you were having a little difficulty...

SPIKE: (as Brenda) ...urinating?
OTHERS: Ew.

>forgiving yourself? Well, I thought, as a friend, I could help you out in that department.

BUFFY: Isn't that nice of her? How sweet!
SPIKE: (as Brenda) Here, I'll turn on some water.

>She laughs insanely. Then, her demeanor gets cold.

Brenda -
Payback's a bitch, isn't it, Natalie?

WILLOW: (as Brenda) This is what you get for shoving all those shiny objects in front of my face... for stunning me, which kept me from participating in things.

>Natalie -
Brenda, please, you need to get help.

Brenda -
I have already tried therapy!

XANDER: (to the others) Well, they say therapy isn't for everyone.
SPIKE: If therapy doesn't work, try homicide. Works for me.
BUFFY: You know, if you insist on reminding us of the fact that you're a cold-blooded killer... literally, then I'll be forced to stake you. Or at least consider it lots.

>She walks around to the front of the bed and sticks her head in between two of the bars on the metal headboard.

XANDER: ...and, like Superman, uses all her strength to pry them apart and free the blankets?
OTHERS: Sure.

>Brenda -
Obviously, it did me no good, Natalie. And I must say, I am kind
of enjoying all of this. Playing with your pretty little head.

BUFFY: (as Natalie) Really? You think I'm pretty? We have so much in common.

>She shakes the bars,

WILLOW: (as Brenda) Attica! Attica!

>then moves away from the bed.

Brenda -
You used an urban legend to kill my boyfriend, Natalie. And now--

SPIKE: (as Brenda) ...I love you. Let's have sex!
BUFFY: (rolls her eyes) One track mind.

>Natalie -
What are you going to do?

SPIKE: (as Brenda) Have sex with you.

>Brenda -
Oh, just my favorite U.L.

She stands next to a table with a cloth covering it. She grabs the cloth and jerks it off, revealing

XANDER: ...sex toys. Whips and chains and--
WILLOW: I've always wanted to try chains...
OTHERS: O_O
WILLOW: I'm kidding! Remember vamp me? In her world they have people in chains...? It was a joke.
SPIKE: O_O
WILLOW: It was a joke!

>two metal trays filled with medical equipment. Scalpels, knives, scissors...

WILLOW: (as Brenda) Uh-oh... shiny... wait, what was I saying? Ooo... pretty shiny thing... um, where was I?

>Brenda -
The kidney heist.

ALL: Cool.

>She grabs a scalpel off of a tray and whistles. She turns toward
Natalie and waves the scalpel in front of her face.

SPIKE: (as Brenda) I'll cut ya, man, I'll cut ya!

>Brenda -
You do know this one, don't you, Natalie? A guy gets picked up by a

XANDER: (as Brenda) ...gorilla, and thrown fifty feet. Painful, I'm sure.

>woman at a bar. She takes him back to her hotel room. She fixes him a drink. Boom!

BUFFY: (as Brenda) She blows up! Messy... very messy.

>He's knocked out. When he wakes up, he's in a bathtub full of

WILLOW: (as Brenda) ...godfish. Dead goldfish.

>ice and he realizes that one of his kidneys has been removed! Supposedly they sell them on the black market. I don't think it's ever actually happened, though. Until tonight.

SPIKE: (grins) Oh, it's happened. Just not by humans. Dru had a fondness for--
OTHERS: O_O
SPIKE: (laughs nervously) Kidding... kidding!

>She smiles wickedly.

BUFFY: (as Brenda) Who loves ya, baby?

INT. COP CAR
The

SPIKE: ...banana

>gun sits beside Reese, who has her eyes on the road, looking for anyone suspicious.

XANDER: ...but so far, all she's seen is two men in dirty white masks. One carrying a machete, the other a chainsaw. And some guy in a green and red striped sweater with knives for fingers... nothing suspicious yet.

>EXT. STANLEY HALL
The cop car comes to a stop on the road beside Stanley Hall.

INT. COP CAR
Reese stares at Stanley Hall.

WILLOW: (as Reese) That is one ugly-ass building.

>REESE'S POV
She looks at the light coming from the room near the top of Stanley Hall.

INT. STANLEY HALL/ROOM
Natalie struggles against her ropes.

SPIKE: (as Natalie) Let's have some bondage fun.

>Natalie -
You'll never get away with this.

Brenda -
Natalie, of course I will. I've got the perfect murderer in the trunk of Paul's car. Wexler!

Natalie -
You're sick.

BUFFY: (as Brenda) No, I'm not. I don't even have the sniffles. Thanks for caring though. That's sweet!

>Brenda -
Professor does away with his students and then kills himself in the same manner as the course he teaches. It's beautiful. It's so fucking clean, isn't it! Well, enough chat, Nat! Now, I am sorry, but I don't have any anesthesia. I guess you'll just have to bite down real hard on that gag and hope that you go into shock soon enough.

Natalie - (crying)
Please don't do this.

WILLOW: (as Natalie) Wah. Sob. Boo hoo. Wah.
XANDER: (to Willow) I think this time her crying is valid.
WILLOW: I don't have to like it though.

>Brenda -
Oh. Don't you want to be an urban legend? All your friends are now.

Brenda grabs

SPIKE: ...Natalie's breast.
WILLOW: Oh, look at that. You kept is semi clean.
SPIKE: (cocky grin)

>the gag and goes to put it on Natalie's

SPIKE: ...breast.

>mouth. When Brenda's hand comes into

SPIKE: ...contact with her breast, Natalie--
BUFFY: Okay, okay. We are not turning this into a porno.

>reach, Natalie bites down on it.

WILLOW: (giggles) It kinda fit.

>Brenda jerks her hand back quickly.

Brenda -
Ouch! Stupid bitch!

Brenda slaps Natalie across the face. Natalie begins to cry.

ALL: (laugh)
XANDER: What are they, two?

>Brenda -
I am really going to enjoy watching you bleed to death.

ALL: Me too!

>She puts the gag onto Natalie's mouth.

Brenda -
Now, is this the kidney?

She stabs the scalpel into Natalie's exposed abdomen.

SPIKE: (smiles in reminiscence) Good times. Good times.

>Natalie cries out in pain. Her scream is muffled by

SPIKE: ...Brenda's breast--
XANDER: Okay, okay. That's enough breasts.
SPIKE: (chuckles)

>the gag.

Brenda -
Or is that the liver? I was always such a dope in anatomy. Well, who cares, right? First organ I see, I'm just gonna grab it.

BUFFY: I guess that'd work too.

>She stabs the scalpel back into the first wound she made, and begins slicing Natalie's stomach open. Natalie screams in

WILLOW: ...happiness, thrilled to have someone pay her so much attention.

>agony, the pain so excruciating. Suddenly, Reese appears in the doorway,

SPIKE: ...banana in hand.

>gun held out in front of her.

XANDER: (as Brenda) Aww, spoil my fun.

>Reese -
Drop the weapon!

Brenda turns around in apparent disgust.

BUFFY: We're right there with ya, Brenda.

>Brenda -
Oh, great. Rent-a-cop to the rescue?

Brenda pulls the scalpel out of Natalie and drops it. Reese walks toward her, and Brenda stands up.

WILLOW: (as Natalie) Reese, quick, grab the scalpel and shine it in her face, it'll incapacitate her!

>Reese -
Hands up! Get against the wall, you looney, psycho bitch!

SPIKE: Hey! That's my line! Line-stealer!

>Brenda backs up toward the wall. Reese, with the

SPIKE: ...banana

>gun still pointed at Brenda, bends down to Natalie and begins untying her.

Reese -
It's all right, sugar. Everything's gonna be okay.

Reese finishes untying one of Natalie's hands and moves toward Brenda.

XANDER: (as Reese) Come over here, honey, I wanna tie you up and get down with you.
OTHERS: O_O
XANDER: (shrugs) It's catching?

>Reese -
Move it! Move it!

XANDER: (as Reese) ...dance for me, sucker! Dance!

>Brenda backs up and turns to face the boarded up window. Reese begins checking her for weapons while Natalie starts untying her other arm.

Reese -
Don't you move.

WILLOW: (as Brenda) But, how can I dance, if I don't move?

>Reese reaches into her pockets for her handcuffs.

XANDER: (as Reese) Now... we're gonna have a little fun with bondage.

>Suddenly, a knife appears in Brenda's hand and she screams.

BUFFY: (as Brenda) Ahh! Where'd this come from?

>She spins around and slashes Reese across the chest. Reese goes down,

SPIKE: ...on Brenda--
BUFFY: Okay! That's enough. Stop with the perverted stuff.
WILLOW: Please.
XANDER: Okay. Sorry.
SPIKE: We'll see.

>dropping the gun and handcuffs. Reese falls to the ground. Natalie has gotten her other hand free and begins working on her feet.

WILLOW: Bored now.
XANDER: Bored half an hour ago.
BUFFY: Bored two hours ago.
SPIKE: Always bored.

>Brenda screams and jumps

WILLOW: ...up and down in a temper tantrum.

>down on top of Reese. They struggle, both reaching out for the gun. They roll across the floor, screaming.

XANDER: Ooo, chick fight.
SPIKE: Not the same without pictures.
XANDER: Nope. Sure ain't.

>Natalie has one of her legs free. She works quickly while Reese has Brenda occupied. Reese's hand grazes the butt of

BUFFY: ...Brenda.
SPIKE: Hey. None of that.
XANDER: No perverted stuff, remember.

>the gun, but Brenda jerks it back. She reaches out and grabs

WILLOW: ...Reese's butt in retaliation.

>it. Before Reese can try and grab it away from her, Brenda shoots her point blank.

Natalie has finished untying herself and jumps off the bed. She begins racing for the door but Brenda stands up, pointing the gun at her.

Brenda -
Don't you fucking move!

BUFFY: Great... now there's going to be more stalling, and more fighting and arguing, and no dying, and damn it, just end!

>Natalie stops in her tracks.

Brenda -
Shit. Bullet through the head. Not exactly an urban legend, but in the essence of time--

SPIKE: Work with what ya got. Improvisation is a wonderful thing.
BUFFY: Yeah it is.

>Natalie -
It's not going to bring him back, Brenda. None of this--

Brenda -
I know that, Natalie!

WILLOW: (as Brenda) Duh! I'm not stupid.

>But it will bring a devastated little Paul right into my arms. I'll have him, and he'll have his

BUFFY: (as Brenda) ...blow-up doll.

>Pulitzer. What did you think, Natalie? That I was gonna let you take two men outta my life?

XANDER: (as Natalie) Well... yeah.

>Suddenly, they hear applause. They both turn to see...

BUFFY: ...Barney Fife pulling his bullet out of his pocket.

>PAUL

XANDER: Oh. Yay. More putting off of Natalie's death.

>enter the room!

Paul -
Very well done.

He walks into the room and stands beside Natalie.

Paul -
I couldn't have planned it better myself.

BUFFY: Oh, please, now we're supposed to believe that he's in on it too? Or he's gonna join forces with Brenda. As if.
WILLOW: Wow, that was a fairly good imitation of Alicia Silverstone.
BUFFY: (grins) Thanks!

>Brenda -
Really?

Paul -
Oh, yeah. I thought I was screwed after Natalie here fucked it up for me with the dean.

XANDER: (as Paul) That's why I tried to save her.
SPIKE: (as Brenda) Um, why again?
XANDER: (as Paul) Oh, shoot, I haven't worked out that part of the lie. You caught me.

>But this. This is just what I need. A few things though, okay?

Brenda -
I'm listening.

WILLOW: (as Paul) First, you let us all go, get Reese to a hospital, and promise to never kill again.
SPIKE: (as Brenda) No way. I like killing.
WILLOW: (as Paul) Then I'll be forced to bring out... the Comfy Chair! (as herself, giggling) The... Comfy Chair!
OTHERS: @_@
WILLOW: You know... Monty Python... the Spanish Inquisition? No one expects--
SPIKE: The Spanish Inquisition! I know it, of course, but... why do you?
WILLOW: Duh, t.v.. My dad's a huge fan.
XANDER: (laughs) I remember now. He always made us watch it with him. It's been a long time since I've seen it though.
BUFFY: O_O
WILLOW: Anyway...

>Paul -
Well, I need some details for my articles. You know, about how Wexler did each one. Details only you could give me.

XANDER: Yeah, 'cause, no one would wonder how they got the details.

>Brenda -
It would be great for your career. And we'd be so fuckin' hot together, Paul.

WILLOW: (to Brenda) Language, Missy!

>Paul -
And I'd be very grateful. So why don't you give me the gun? I'll take care of the rest.

A long silence. Brenda smiles.

Brenda -
You're cute, Paul.

XANDER: (as Paul) I know.

>She raises the gun and points it at Paul.

Brenda -
But you're not that fucking cute!

BUFFY: (as Paul) Damn. Plan B. Shiny Brenda! Look, Brenda, shiny! Keys, Brenda... look. Shiny.

>She begins pointing the gun at Paul, then Natalie.

Brenda -
So, which one of you do I kill first? Eenie, meenie, miney--

BUFFY: (as Curly) Hey, Moe!

>She points the gun straight at

WILLOW: ...herself, ending this movie. The end.

>Natalie. Suddenly, a gun shot is heard. But it wasn't Brenda's gun. It was Reese firing the gun she had hidden. Brenda drops the gun and clutches her wounded arm.

XANDER: (as Brenda) Hey, you gave me an owie!

>Reese -
Moe!

Reese collapses back onto the floor.

BUFFY: (as Reese) ... I'm spent.

>Natalie bends down and picks up the gun. She aims it at Brenda.

SPIKE: Kill her... kill her.

>Brenda -
What,

XANDER: (as Brenda) ...do you want now, Natalie?

>are you going to shoot me, Natalie? Huh? What kind of friend are you?

ALL: (laugh)
WILLOW: She's the kind of friend who kills people on 'accident'.
BUFFY: And then thinks it's all about her. She was traumatized. She was hurt. Screw the guy she helped kill.
XANDER: Cordelia!
WILLOW/BUFFY: (snort with laughter) Exactly.

>Natalie grips the gun tightly, determined. Brenda screams, and Natalie fires.

WILLOW: (as Natalie) Oops, sorry, Brenda. You scared me... I didn't mean to shoot you.

>The bullet rips into Brenda, sending her flying backwards. She crashes through the boarded up window.

ALL: YES!

>EXT. STANLEY HALL
Brenda begins to fall.

XANDER: (singing) It's raining women, hallelujah, it's raining women--
SPIKE: Uh-huh.

>INT. STANLEY HALL/ROOM
Natalie stares, stunned that she pulled the trigger and that Brenda actually flew through the window.

WILLOW: (as Natalie) She flew like a birdie. Tee hee.

>EXT. STANLEY HALL
Brenda continues to fall. She plummets to the ground.

BUFFY: So, apparently she falls in slow-mo.
WILLOW: Don't all killers?
BUFFY: (eyeing Spike) I don't know... let's see.
SPIKE: Back off.

>INT. STANLEY HALL/ROOM
Natalie continues staring, breathing hard.

BUFFY: (as Natalie) I am so winded. Whew! Killing takes a lot out of you... (as herself) Actually it does. Only, not the pathetic shooting of a gun that Natalie did.

>Paul -
Natalie, give me the gun.

XANDER: (as Natalie) Um, no, Paul, I'm not done yer. Pew-pew! Bye, Paul, bye Reese.

>He takes the gun out of her hand.

SPIKE: ...and shoots her. (as Paul) Sorry, Nat... needed a story. The more people dead, the more papers I sell.

>Paul -
Come here.

He embraces her, not wanting to let her go.

WILLOW: ...so, he doesn't. And they were joined at the hip for the rest of their lives.
BUFFY: That way no one can leave you... brilliant.

>Paul -
Are you okay?

Natalie - (crying)
No.

XANDER: What's with her always answering truthfully. Nobody really cares how she is... when's she gonna get that?

>Before Paul can respond, Reese starts coughing. Paul lets go of Natalie and bends down toward Reese.

BUFFY: (as Natalie) Excuse me, Reese! This was 'me' time! You are so needy!

>Paul -
Reese.

XANDER: (as Paul) ...help me. I can't get Natalie to let go of me. Could you help pry her off please?

>Natalie bends down beside Paul.

WILLOW: ...showing the cameramen her enormous backside.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) See my butt?

>Reese -
Thought I'd have to wait to be a cop before a bullet'd ever hit me.

WILLOW: (as Reese) Woo hoo, my first battle scar. Yay. Let's just hope I survive it.

>Paul -
Stay down. We're gonna go get help.

BUFFY: (as Natalie) Tee hee, let's leave and never come back. That'd be funny.

>Reese -
All right. Quick.

XANDER: (as Reese) ...are you back yet? I'm waiting... damn, take your sweet-ass time why don't you?

>Paul and Natalie stand up and leave the room. Reese groans in pain.

SPIKE: (as Reese) ...I'll be fine. I'm okay. Don't worry about me. You two kids go on... have fun. I'll be fine... yep. I'm good... (sighs) don't worry about me...

>EXT. ROAD - LATER - NIGHT - RAINING
Paul's car is the only one on the road.

Natalie - (o.s.)
Do you think Reese will be all right?

WILLOW: (as Paul) Not really. She'll die horribly, and painfully while we're gone, but that's okay. I never really liked her much anyway.

>Paul - (o.s.)
Reese is gonna be fine.

XANDER: (as Paul) ...and I'd know, because I'm a doctor as well as a journalist.

>Paramedics are on their way.

INT. PAUL'S CAR
After a moments silence, Natalie speaks.

WILLOW: Shh! Natalie's about to speak. Quiet everybody!

>Natalie -
This will become a legend, too, you know. It'll change a little from person to person, of course. Brenda'll become a guy,

XANDER: (as Paul) You mean she wasn't a guy?
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Shut up, Paul.

>and you'll become a cop.

WILLOW: (as Paul) I'm not one?
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Shut up, Paul.
WILLOW: (as Paul) Oh yeah, I'm a journalist... without ethics.

>And I'll probably end up in an insane asylum.

WILLOW: (as Paul) I can guarantee that one.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Shut up, Paul.

>Paul -
If this is an urban legend--

In the backseat, an axe cones into view.

WILLOW: How does an axe cone, exactly?
XANDER: (shrugs) Dunno.

>Paul - (cont'd)
At what point do we get to the twist?

XANDER: ...wait for it... wait for it... wait for it. And... now!

>Brenda rises into view, fire burning in her eyes.

BUFFY: Ow. That's gotta hurt.

>She gets prepared to swing the axe. Paul looks into his rearview mirror and gasps.

WILLOW: (as Paul) Crap, we're really in trouble now, there's nothing shiny to distract her with!

>He grabs Natalie and pushes her head down.

SPIKE: (as Natalie) Excuse me, if you wanted--
WILLOW: Oral sex!
SPIKE: (as Natalie)--oral sex, Paul, all you had to do was ask. (as himself) Hey, I was gonna say that... wasn't gonna get graphic or anything.
WILLOW: (unconvinced) Mmm-hmm.

>He ducks too, barely avoiding the axe as it swings inches above their heads, smashing into the door.

XANDER: Oh, come on. She got Michelle on the first swing... why'd she miss this time?
BUFFY: Because now she's got... (dramatically) Paul and Natalie as victims.

EXT. ROAD
The car swerves to the side of the road.

XANDER: ...narrowly missing the Energizer Bunny.
WILLOW: It keeps going... and going... and going.
BUFFY: You know, they stole that from Pee Wee Herman.
OTHERS: O_O
BUFFY: Pee Wee's Big Adventure? Remember, when he's telling them about how and why his bike was stolen? In the basement? At the beginning... forget it.
WILLOW: (laughs) Sorry, I remember, I just wanted to see you squirm a little.
XANDER: Me too.
BUFFY: Not nice.
WILLOW: I know. But fun.

>INT. CAR
Brenda swings the axe and hits Paul in the head with the flat side of it. He groans.

SPIKE: ...and then falls forward, unconscious. The car swerves off the road, and they all die. The end.

>EXT. ROAD
The car swerves again.

SPIKE: ...then goes off the road, and they all die. The end.

>INT. CAR
Brenda has grabbed Natalie and thrown her into the backseat. She
presses the axe against Natalie's throat, trying to strangle her.

BUFFY: You know, there are much better ways to kill someone with an axe. Strangling... axe... they don't really go together.

>Natalie has a grip on the axe, trying to push it away from her throat.

BUFFY: See there? That's one reason why you don't strangle a person with an axe.

>Brenda is screaming wildly.

WILLOW: I'm about ready to start crying wildly. This thing is never gonna end.
BUFFY: Hang in there, Will. It's almost over.
WILLOW: No, it's not. It'll never end.

>Paul -
Natalie!

SPIKE: (as Paul) I just now realized you were in danger back there... sorry, honey.

>He reaches back and grabs Brenda's hair, pulling her toward him.

XANDER: (as Paul) Let's have a threesome. Gimme a kiss, baby.

>EXT. ROAD
The car continues to swerve left and right.

WILLOW: Oh, that car is drunk. It shouldn't drive while drunk.
XANDER: Nope. It shouldn't. When I get a car that drives itself and stuff, I won't let it drive drunk.

>INT. CAR
Brenda jerks

SPIKE: ...Paul's pants off and--
BUFFY: And, no.

>her head, and Paul loses his grip.

SPIKE: ...on Brenda's breasts--
BUFFY: (exasperated) Spike, no.
SPIKE: You going to stop me, Slayer? Physically?
BUFFY: Yes.
SPIKE: Then do it.
BUFFY: (sighs) Maybe later.

>Brenda's head falls back against the seat. Paul looks out his windshield, sees a bridge coming up. Brenda head-butts Natalie, sending her flying into the floorboard between the two front seats. Paul looks down at Natalie, then back at the road.

BUFFY: (to Spike) What? Nothin' to say here?
SPIKE: Nope.

>EXT. ROAD/BRIDGE
The car roars onto the bridge.

WILLOW: Rowr.
XANDER: Will, calm down with the excitement there.

>INT. CAR
Brenda raises the axe and prepares to hit Natalie with the shaft.

SPIKE: ...of her--
BUFFY: Ah-ah! She doesn't have one.
SPIKE: Sure she does... she's a guy. Didn't you figure that out?
WILLOW: Cute. Funny.

>Paul jerks the wheel.

SPIKE: Whole lotta nasty things I could say here...
XANDER: But you aren't going to 'cause then Buffy'll hurt ya.
SPIKE: Like I said... do it.
BUFFY: Like I said... maybe later.

>EXT. BRIDGE
The car rams into one of the side rails, sending sparks flying.

WILLOW: (as Natalie) Look, Brenda... pretty

>INT. CAR
Brenda falls against the door.

WILLOW: Push her out. Push her out!

>She rights herself

ALL: Damn.

>and prepares to strike Natalie with the axe. Brenda screams in insanity. Natalie screams

BUFFY: ...in sanity. Oddly enough, both are annoying.

>and puts her hand in front of her face.

XANDER: Yeah. Your hand will really stop that axe.

>Paul jerks the wheel.

SPIKE: Guess he's gotta get his jollies somehow.
WILLOW: Spike... that was predictable.
SPIKE: Oh. Sorry.

>EXT. BRIDGE
The car rams into a side railing. Brenda comes flying through the
window, screaming. She falls past the railing and toward the frigid waters below. She lands with a splash.

ALL: (flatly) Yay.

>INT. CAR
Paul helps Natalie out of the floorboard and into her seat.

XANDER: (as Paul) Um, honey, really... you should sit in the seat. It's dangerous down there.

>He stares out the broken windshield.

BUFFY: (as Paul) I'll miss that crazy bitch.
XANDER: (as Natalie, sniffs) Me too.

>He puts his hand on his head, the pain from where Brenda hit him with the axe still there.

SPIKE: No, really? I thought it might have gone poof.
WILLOW: Like Brenda?
SPIKE: Just like that.

>EXT. BRIDGE
Natalie opens her door and climbs outside.

BUFFY: ...falling to the water below... oops, guess she should've looked down first.

>Paul crawls over the seat and gets out of the car. He jogs over to the railing and looks down at the river.

BUFFY: (as Paul) Feel the burn. Feel the burn.... ooo, got a cramp. Got a cramp.

>PAUL'S POV
Brenda's body floats in the river. The currents slowly move it
downstream.

NORMAL VIEW
Paul turns to Natalie, and they hug. It's a long hug. They don't let each other go, afraid that the other one might die.

SPIKE: But that would be a good thing.
XANDER: For us.
SPIKE: Who else is there?

>In the distance sirens can be heard. Natalie and Paul ignore them, wrapped in each other's loving arms.

SPIKE: (as Paul) Gimme some sugar, baby.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Oh, silly, I don't actually want you... especially now that Brenda's gone. I just wanted to take you from her.

>FADE TO:
INT. ASHTON STUDENT UNION - DAY - ??? DAYS LATER

BUFFY: Eh?

>CLOSE ON:
A roaring fireplace.

XANDER: Rowr... pfft!
WILLOW: Cozy.

>Blake - (o.s.)
The river was such a mess because of the storm, it washed away the body. The thing of it is, they never found a body. It wasn't there.

SPIKE: New characters at this late date? How's that work?
XANDER: It doesn't. Scene! Scene, damn it! Scene!

>NORMAL VIEW
BLAKE, a cute looking guy, sits on a couch next to DORKY GUY and TRENDY GIRL. Sitting on the other couch is JENNY, HIPPIE GUY, and a woman we can't see.

ALL: ...okay.

>His friends break out

BUFFY: ...machine guns and blow him away. Scene!

>laughing.

Trendy Girl -
Oh, bullshit.

WILLOW: She's just been told she's a new character being introduced in the last two minutes.

>Blake -
It's true. It happened right here at Ashton. I swear to God.

Hippie Guy -
Man, that is the stupid story you hear at every campus in the
northeast.

BUFFY: Yeah, like maybe at Pendleton? The university that this doesn't happen to be? End already!

>Trendy Girl -
Exactly. I mean, where's your proof?

Blake -
Were you even listening? It all keeps getting covered up. Think about it. Who would enroll at Murder "U?"

SPIKE: Brenda would. That's why she signed up in the first place. And I guess now we know why.
WILLOW: She's a murderer.

>Dorky Guy -
Yeah, and you know what? Natalie, she's my old roommate's cousin.

XANDER: Really?
BUFFY: (as dorky guy) No.

>Jenny -
And Brenda's the girl in that Noxzema commercial.

ALL: (laugh)

>Trendy girl laughs.

Blake -
Does anybody here believe me?

Trendy Girl -
Not a chance, no.

Jenny -
No, Blake.

WILLOW: Unh-uh.
BUFFY: No way.
XANDER: Nope.
SPIKE: No.

>The woman who we can't see raises her hand.

Woman -
I believe you.

XANDER: (as woman) Just kidding!

>Blake -
Thank you.

The camera pans over to the woman. The woman is...BRENDA!

ALL: No!
WILLOW: Not more Brenda, not more story!

>She looks a little different, with more make-up and different style clothes, but it is her.

Brenda -
But you didn't tell it right.

Blake -
I didn't?

Brenda - (chuckles)
Not at all.

She leans forward.

Brenda - (cont'd)
Okay, listen up, guys, 'cause this is how the story... really goes.

She smiles.

CUT TO BLACK

WILLOW: That sucked. That was horrible.
XANDER: Yes, it was.
BUFFY: Never again. Ever.
SPIKE: We can only hope.
(they all get up, moving as far away from the script as possible)

********

Later that night, Spike listened carefully for signs of movement. There was nothing. He reached out and turned the doorknob, pushing the door open. It swung silently to the wall, giving him a perfect view of Willow. She was asleep in her bed, completely unaware of him watching her. He took a deep breath, and let it out slowly.

It had occurred to him earlier that day that... if they weren't actually themselves, and were in fact just parts of themselves, or clones, whether magickal or not, then what harm would it do to make a move on the witch? If she was amenable to it. He wouldn't force himself on her, that really wasn't his style.

He chuckled, shutting the door and laying down in his own bed. It'd be fun to see what Buffy and Xander had to say about it.

The End