House Fic: "Pandemic"
Title: Pandemic
Characters: House, Thirteen, Kutner, Taub, etc.
Rating: PG-13
Words: 1,312
Warnings: Vague-ish descriptions of disgusting ailments.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Notes: Blame spoggly, because I stole this from under her e-nose (and because she named the beautiful plague).
Summary: House and his human-shaped annoyances were all wearing masks now, huddled close together in front of the monitor.
Day 1
Working by the dim, comforting light of his monitor, House leaned toward the screen with great interest as he noted reports of a mysterious illness claiming lives in Western Europe. It came on slowly, with an incubation period of at least several days. Early signs of infection were the innocuous coughing and fever, but infection seemed to result in almost certain death.
House alt-tabbed over to YouTube as Thirteen entered his office without so much as a knock and audaciously stepped around to see what he was doing. Not fooled-maybe he should've hired someone dumber-she left again and returned with a chair from the conference room, making herself comfortable next to him at his computer.
He rolled his eyes. "No one invited you."
"Is it airborne?" she asked.
He stared at her levelly and then went back to the previous window as she scooted in close.
"Not yet."
Day 20
Almost three hundred people had died from the virus, but no one in North America was showing signs of infection.
"It's gonna happen," announced Taub, who'd joined House and Thirteen in their watch. "I know it. Just give it time."
Thirteen waved a dismissive hand. "We're working here," she said, and House almost smiled.
He turned to Taub, who crossed his arms. "Go check on the patient and then get back here. We need more brains for this."
Day 29
Seven thousand people were dead.
"My god." Taub leaned in toward the screen next to House's head, chewing on a thumbnail.
"Witness the power of mutation!" House spread his arms wide, noticing belatedly that he had almost smacked Thirteen and Taub in their faces. "Edema so bad it makes you gag to look at it. Imagine dealing with that. This is one thing you can't fix with lipo."
Kutner entered the room. "The patient was just discharged," he said breathlessly, tilting his head back and looking down his nose over the monitor. "I just thought you'd wanna know."
"Don't care. Go get a chair and shut up."
Day 42
Shockingly, seventy thousand European lives had been claimed. The virus was resistant to heat, was extremely hardy, and had a profoundly disabling effect on the immune system.
"Airborne AIDS," Thirteen said pityingly, and it was almost comical. "The end is nigh."
"That's so cool." Kutner, wearing a face mask, was now seated on House's other side as they stared at the everchanging map. "Is it zoonotic?"
"Duh." House tapped the screen. "You bet your bippy it is. But I doubt any of these idiots know that."
Day 61
One hundred fifty thousand people in Western Europe were dead, Central Europe was showing signs of infection, and the virus seemed to have reached some kind of impasse as the death toll held steady for about a week. The President had met with other world leaders to reassure them that the CDC was right on the edge of a breakthrough, but House had his doubts.
"No way," he said to the others. "This is it. It's just silent. It's already everywhere."
Day 70
The endless, inescapable death sent Europe into a frenzy, violent chaos erupting in the streets. Almost overnight, the entire world seemed infected, panic sending people into their homes as another hundred thousand lives were lost in the span of a few days. Save for Antarctica, every continent was now a plague house; every country had shut down its borders too late.
House and his human-shaped annoyances were all wearing masks now, huddled close together in front of the monitor.
"It's mutating constantly," House said. "That's the way to survive. Stay quiet and then hit all these warm bodies with vomiting, hemorrhaging, and necrosis. Normally, that kind of lethality would be idiotic and suicidal for any contagion, but it's so infectious that-"
"Ew," Thirteen said, and House scrunched up his nose at her interruption.
Kutner's head jerked. "Hemorrhaging and necrosis? Jesus. When did that happen?"
"Just now, apparently," Taub said. "And don't forget the multiple organ failure."
House poked Kutner in the forehead, making his head rock backward. "Try to keep up."
Day 80
Over half the population of the world was dead. A vaccine was pure fantasy due to rapid mutation and general human stupidity.
"I banked on that," Taub said, studying the screen, his audible pride and bitterness making everyone nod wearily.
House let a sigh escape. "It's the end of days. Finally!"
"We all know you love the idea." Thirteen sounded like she was smiling behind her mask.
"You've outlived most of the world," he reminded her, and he patted her hand when she narrowed her already-squinty little eyes. "Who'da thunk?"
"I hate you."
"Now, now. We should be putting all our resentments aside in this time of crisis. Where's Wilson? Why isn't he here to ease our sweaty-palmed fear with clicheriffic words of comfort? To wax moronic about the afterlife? To kiss me goodbye on the eve of armageddon? To witness my totally expected ultimate victory over-"
It was then that his office door opened to reveal Cuddy, who waggled her delicious hips over to House's desk and dropped a file on it. He tried to keep his eyes above her cleavage and imagine her prostrate and vomiting and bleeding from every orifice, because he couldn't afford the distraction of her fuckability when he was so close to-
"You have a case," she said, a fist on one of those hips.
"We're busy. Did you notice that?" House replied, dragging his eyes up to her face, shaking his head. He could sense Thirteen's discomfort as she shifted in her chair, torn between two masters.
"Why are you wearing those masks?" Cuddy demanded. "What's with this demented roleplaying? Why are you wasting-"
House pulled his mask down as he got to his feet to loom over her more effectively. "The fate of the world's at stake here-"
"Male. Nineteen years old. Jaundice, seizures-"
"Reye's Syndrome." He waved at her. "Bye-bye!"
"-no nausea, was fine yesterday." She stalked toward the door. "Don't think I don't know what you're doing in here. You've been playing that stupid game for hours."
"Tell Wilson cancer won't be a problem anymore!" he shouted as the door shut behind her.
Day 81
House sat down and clicked the mouse one more time to meet with some long-awaited congratulations and a disappointing score. "Damn it. My beautiful Not Lupus failed to crack the Top 50."
Kutner shook his head. "We need to cheat more. 'Your Mama' has a score of 99999999."
At House's elbow, Thirteen spoke up. "There's another one, you know. Pandemic: Extinction of Man. You might like that one better. More strategy."
"The Peruvians always elude me," Kutner said.
"They're a wily people." House cracked a knuckle. "But they're doomed."
Taub cleared his throat and moved to stand in front of them. "What about the case?"
They all looked at each other, Thirteen fidgeting, Kutner looking weirdly eager to do pretty much anything, and Taub seeming reluctantly dutiful.
"Go-I don't know-take a history or something." House could feel two pairs of young eyes on him as Taub exited the room. "Just one game." To his amazement, Thirteen and Kutner bumped fists in front of his nose.
"Peru won't know what hit it," she said.
House nodded his approval and pulled his mask back over his nose and mouth. "That's what I like to hear. Death and destruction."
"What are we gonna name this one?" Kutner asked as House clicked his way around Russia's newly tainted water supply.
House allowed himself a slow smile, hidden from the world, as he pictured Cuddy's ass leaving his office, and what her face would look like when she checked her email to discover that her namesake had ravaged the entire planet.
"I'm sure it'll come to me."
Links:
PANDEMIC
PANDEMIC: EXTINCTION OF MAN
Originally posted here.
Characters: House, Thirteen, Kutner, Taub, etc.
Rating: PG-13
Words: 1,312
Warnings: Vague-ish descriptions of disgusting ailments.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Notes: Blame spoggly, because I stole this from under her e-nose (and because she named the beautiful plague).
Summary: House and his human-shaped annoyances were all wearing masks now, huddled close together in front of the monitor.
Day 1
Working by the dim, comforting light of his monitor, House leaned toward the screen with great interest as he noted reports of a mysterious illness claiming lives in Western Europe. It came on slowly, with an incubation period of at least several days. Early signs of infection were the innocuous coughing and fever, but infection seemed to result in almost certain death.
House alt-tabbed over to YouTube as Thirteen entered his office without so much as a knock and audaciously stepped around to see what he was doing. Not fooled-maybe he should've hired someone dumber-she left again and returned with a chair from the conference room, making herself comfortable next to him at his computer.
He rolled his eyes. "No one invited you."
"Is it airborne?" she asked.
He stared at her levelly and then went back to the previous window as she scooted in close.
"Not yet."
Day 20
Almost three hundred people had died from the virus, but no one in North America was showing signs of infection.
"It's gonna happen," announced Taub, who'd joined House and Thirteen in their watch. "I know it. Just give it time."
Thirteen waved a dismissive hand. "We're working here," she said, and House almost smiled.
He turned to Taub, who crossed his arms. "Go check on the patient and then get back here. We need more brains for this."
Day 29
Seven thousand people were dead.
"My god." Taub leaned in toward the screen next to House's head, chewing on a thumbnail.
"Witness the power of mutation!" House spread his arms wide, noticing belatedly that he had almost smacked Thirteen and Taub in their faces. "Edema so bad it makes you gag to look at it. Imagine dealing with that. This is one thing you can't fix with lipo."
Kutner entered the room. "The patient was just discharged," he said breathlessly, tilting his head back and looking down his nose over the monitor. "I just thought you'd wanna know."
"Don't care. Go get a chair and shut up."
Day 42
Shockingly, seventy thousand European lives had been claimed. The virus was resistant to heat, was extremely hardy, and had a profoundly disabling effect on the immune system.
"Airborne AIDS," Thirteen said pityingly, and it was almost comical. "The end is nigh."
"That's so cool." Kutner, wearing a face mask, was now seated on House's other side as they stared at the everchanging map. "Is it zoonotic?"
"Duh." House tapped the screen. "You bet your bippy it is. But I doubt any of these idiots know that."
Day 61
One hundred fifty thousand people in Western Europe were dead, Central Europe was showing signs of infection, and the virus seemed to have reached some kind of impasse as the death toll held steady for about a week. The President had met with other world leaders to reassure them that the CDC was right on the edge of a breakthrough, but House had his doubts.
"No way," he said to the others. "This is it. It's just silent. It's already everywhere."
Day 70
The endless, inescapable death sent Europe into a frenzy, violent chaos erupting in the streets. Almost overnight, the entire world seemed infected, panic sending people into their homes as another hundred thousand lives were lost in the span of a few days. Save for Antarctica, every continent was now a plague house; every country had shut down its borders too late.
House and his human-shaped annoyances were all wearing masks now, huddled close together in front of the monitor.
"It's mutating constantly," House said. "That's the way to survive. Stay quiet and then hit all these warm bodies with vomiting, hemorrhaging, and necrosis. Normally, that kind of lethality would be idiotic and suicidal for any contagion, but it's so infectious that-"
"Ew," Thirteen said, and House scrunched up his nose at her interruption.
Kutner's head jerked. "Hemorrhaging and necrosis? Jesus. When did that happen?"
"Just now, apparently," Taub said. "And don't forget the multiple organ failure."
House poked Kutner in the forehead, making his head rock backward. "Try to keep up."
Day 80
Over half the population of the world was dead. A vaccine was pure fantasy due to rapid mutation and general human stupidity.
"I banked on that," Taub said, studying the screen, his audible pride and bitterness making everyone nod wearily.
House let a sigh escape. "It's the end of days. Finally!"
"We all know you love the idea." Thirteen sounded like she was smiling behind her mask.
"You've outlived most of the world," he reminded her, and he patted her hand when she narrowed her already-squinty little eyes. "Who'da thunk?"
"I hate you."
"Now, now. We should be putting all our resentments aside in this time of crisis. Where's Wilson? Why isn't he here to ease our sweaty-palmed fear with clicheriffic words of comfort? To wax moronic about the afterlife? To kiss me goodbye on the eve of armageddon? To witness my totally expected ultimate victory over-"
It was then that his office door opened to reveal Cuddy, who waggled her delicious hips over to House's desk and dropped a file on it. He tried to keep his eyes above her cleavage and imagine her prostrate and vomiting and bleeding from every orifice, because he couldn't afford the distraction of her fuckability when he was so close to-
"You have a case," she said, a fist on one of those hips.
"We're busy. Did you notice that?" House replied, dragging his eyes up to her face, shaking his head. He could sense Thirteen's discomfort as she shifted in her chair, torn between two masters.
"Why are you wearing those masks?" Cuddy demanded. "What's with this demented roleplaying? Why are you wasting-"
House pulled his mask down as he got to his feet to loom over her more effectively. "The fate of the world's at stake here-"
"Male. Nineteen years old. Jaundice, seizures-"
"Reye's Syndrome." He waved at her. "Bye-bye!"
"-no nausea, was fine yesterday." She stalked toward the door. "Don't think I don't know what you're doing in here. You've been playing that stupid game for hours."
"Tell Wilson cancer won't be a problem anymore!" he shouted as the door shut behind her.
Day 81
House sat down and clicked the mouse one more time to meet with some long-awaited congratulations and a disappointing score. "Damn it. My beautiful Not Lupus failed to crack the Top 50."
Kutner shook his head. "We need to cheat more. 'Your Mama' has a score of 99999999."
At House's elbow, Thirteen spoke up. "There's another one, you know. Pandemic: Extinction of Man. You might like that one better. More strategy."
"The Peruvians always elude me," Kutner said.
"They're a wily people." House cracked a knuckle. "But they're doomed."
Taub cleared his throat and moved to stand in front of them. "What about the case?"
They all looked at each other, Thirteen fidgeting, Kutner looking weirdly eager to do pretty much anything, and Taub seeming reluctantly dutiful.
"Go-I don't know-take a history or something." House could feel two pairs of young eyes on him as Taub exited the room. "Just one game." To his amazement, Thirteen and Kutner bumped fists in front of his nose.
"Peru won't know what hit it," she said.
House nodded his approval and pulled his mask back over his nose and mouth. "That's what I like to hear. Death and destruction."
"What are we gonna name this one?" Kutner asked as House clicked his way around Russia's newly tainted water supply.
House allowed himself a slow smile, hidden from the world, as he pictured Cuddy's ass leaving his office, and what her face would look like when she checked her email to discover that her namesake had ravaged the entire planet.
"I'm sure it'll come to me."
Links:
PANDEMIC
PANDEMIC: EXTINCTION OF MAN
Originally posted here.