27 February 1983
It may be pessimistic of me to think this, but I keep waiting for something to go wrong. I think I have been holding my breath for years now. The war has been over for some time now and I survived. Others didn't but I did. I have no idea how in the world that happened when I had been preparing myself for it the whole time. The fact that I'm still alive is something I still haven't gotten over or accepted.
Fabian crosses my mind a lot. I wonder about his widow and how she's doing. I didn't know her, so searching her out would be very uncomfortable even for me. I'd never say this to Dewi, but seeing his girlfriend makes me think of Gid a lot more than it should. I've been to a few of Luke's gigs since that night, but I rarely speak to him. Everyone is moving on and accepting it, but for some reason, I'm still stuck in my grief for the Prewetts.
When the Lestranges were arrested, a weight was lifted off of my shoulders and I was really felt like I could go on with life after everything. Now, every minute that they walk free, I feel like Gid is watching me, telling me my job is far from over and that the war for me is still going on.
I must be driving Kingsley crazy with this, but I can't help it. I feel like a woman possessed.
Thank Merlin for Matt.
Tess' birthday is tomorrow. That will be a party to rival most parties I think, at least with Dewi and Ambrose at the helm. The way they've been talking about this, I'm surprised I haven't seen blueprints for this set up. Matt and I thought about hosting it, but I'm afraid we'd be incredibly rude hosts and compared to Ambrose's place, ours seems minuscule. Hell, the bloody Queen's palace would probably seem minuscule compared to Ambrose's.
Ah well. It's sure to be a good one. And in case I forget, happy birthday, Tess.
Also? It's sad when I forget how amazing a homecooked meal can be.