hodge-podge

[shanaeden]

So now that my bipolar is doing better the other things come out to play. I just left an uptown music festival, in which I was with people who care about me, and I was seeing lots of people I know, and everyone was nice, because the anxiety got to be too much. (and when I got a ride for Rachel, the only reason left to stay was just for me, and that

Comments

[charis19]

operant conditioning?

(stole the definition from the dictionary)

[shanaeden]

A process of behavior modification in which the likelihood of a specific behavior is increased or decreased through positive or negative reinforcement each time the behavior is exhibited, so that the subject comes to associate the pleasure or displeasure of the reinforcement with the behavior.

in my case, my therapist believes that I've spent so long being anxious and hyper-aroused toward social cues when going to a social event, that my brain is in a sort of feedback loop about it. I go, and I sure as heck WILL get that way because my brain knows that it will happen. So she thinks if I take the ativan prior to doing the social event, the chemical will lessen the arousal of my brain and I'll start "learning" that I'm not going to feel that way.

Re: (stole the definition from the dictionary)

[charis19]

i see. makes sense.

i'm sure there are mental exercises you can do to help the ativan do it's job too, right?

bipolars tend to be much more perceptive (often over perceptive and too trusting of their feelings/'instincts') and thus shove themselves over into anxiety and overthinking things.. which naturally leads right into social anxiety as well. it's very frustrating.

Re: (stole the definition from the dictionary)

[shanaeden]

yeah, over-perceptive and too-trusting is right! Rationally I knew that tonight people were being kind and it was a good time, but irrationally I kept wondering, "Did that person just blow me off and not say Hi even though he said hi to 2 people around me?" and other ridiculousness.

I do need to figure out some good mental exercises that work for me. Good reminder.

[glitterophelia]

I totally understand how you feel. I'm really worried about going back to my hometown--even though I have lots of friends and family up there, the anxiety of being around everyone....it's going to be intense. There's a reason I left. haha.

When I had ativan, I definitely put it to use. Not everyday or anything, but when I needed it, it did usually help!

Sometimes it does help to just train yourself to respond differently, too...I know my last therapist was very helpful as far as that goes.

[shanaeden]

I know what you mean about the hometown...it IS very intense. Last night for me was just what you might be afraid of. I literally saw 20 people that know of me, and not all of them friends, so my head just kept spinning about the reactions I was getting from them even though rationally I knew it wasn't important. I live where I was born 33 years ago and that just makes all sorts of acquaintanceship everywhere, and in all different age groups

[bodhichitta0]

Hair sounds nice. Yay.

I agree with the comments about bipolars being sensitive and being able to read into situations (sometimes read what isn't there or pick up on things like impatience which may not be in the least directed at you but when one picks up on it, seems personal.) Ativan might help and I am also lobbying for affirmations and meditation. *hugs* ;-)

[shanaeden]

Or at least in your experience, THIS bipolar does that *grin*

I wish I knew some good affirmations and meditation. I do try different affirmations and they sound so false and shrill when I do it WHILE I'm anxious. But...not trying to argue here (my therapist said I'm "debate-y" this past time, she's trying to figure out why people might not shine to me), I definitely think you're right. I just have to figure out what starts to comfortably and naturally work for my particular life. The patterns are getting healthier all the time, except for fleeing good times.

[grackles]

Yeah, I hate how that works sometimes. It's like there are layers of illness, you peel one back and BAM there's another issue.

[shanaeden]

(sorry this took me so long. I've been getting weirder and weirder about comments the past few months....)

BLECCCCCH you are so right. That's exactly how it's working.

I suppose I should be happy that something is getting better such that I can find the different layers...um, somewhat anyway. Or at times bitter that I was handed this lot in life. Particularly when I'm tired.

[grackles]

Yeah, it's an exhausting process.

Feel free to get weird about comments, it's your prerogative. If you're stressed or paranoid about lj then that's easy to correct. I sometimes avoid lj for a while too. Especially lately.