I Can See the Future From Up Here

[shanmonster]

Part two of my application for the Canada 150 ocean expedition. The topic is my vision for Canada's future. How the heck do I do this in less than 250 words without sounding like a beauty pageant contestant? Feedback is appreciated.My vision of Canada’s future is one in which people live together in harmony with the environment. Although Canada

Comments

[clevermanka]

Best advice I can give you is pare down your sentences to the minimum while keeping the content. So your first paragraph could go from 108 words to 77 with some modifications:

Canada’s future could be one of harmony with the environment. Our rich natural resources are being squandered and mistreated. Quebec’s old growth forests become toilet paper. Clean water is sold at a pittance and returned to us at exorbitant prices. Waterways are poisoned with acids powerful enough to kill waterfowl upon contact. Rich farmland is parceled into subdivisions with shoddily-constructed houses. Oil pipeline and tanker leaks cause irreparable harm to the soil, water, wildlife, and to us.

Does that help?

[shanmonster]

Yes. Thank you.

Heh. I still have no idea how not to sound like a pageant contestant. Know what I mean? There are only so many things one can address in such a meagre word count.

[clevermanka]

If you wanna email me your (next-to) final draft whenever it's ready, I'm happy to pare it down for you like I did that one. If you want.

[shanmonster]

Cool. Thanks. I guess I'm more concerned about content. How do I write about such an enormous topic without sounding like I'm glossing over everything and being devoid of actual content?

[elanya]

Well, at least everyone else is going to have the same problem, as far as word count goes

[sidruid]

I would fix up the sentence around "by our first Prime Minister" as its awkward.

Also, unless "We are other people" is a recognizable quote/phrase/etc in Canada, I found it to be an odd ending (and didn't quite understand what you meant by it)