Exhibit A: Am I Crazy?
As I mentioned in my introduction post I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder a few months ago. For those who are link wary, Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), which is a serious mental illness characterized by pervasive instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self-image, and behavior. This instability often disrupts family and work life, long-term planning, and the individual's sense of self-identity. I had been diagnosed with this before but when I had to see a new therapist due to changes in insurance I was told that BPD didn't exist. Many psychiatrists and psychologists still feel that way. Now I am very luck to be seeing a brilliant psychiatrist who is determined to find a magical combination of medication to combat my anxiety and mood swings and a psychologist who specializes only in working with people with BPD. In fact, her whole practice is dedicated to nothing but working with people who have been diagnosed with BPD. What they do is called DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) and it is a form of psychotherapy that was originally developed by Marsha M. Linehan, a psychology researcher at the University of Washington, to treat people with borderline personality disorder (BPD). DBT combines standard cognitive-behavioral techniques for emotion regulation and reality-testing with concepts of distress tolerance, acceptance, and mindful awareness largely derived from Buddhist meditative practice.
When I was first diagnosed I of course started Googling BPD and some of what I found made me scared and angry. There were many informative message boards and websites, but there were just as many negative ones. Places where men said not to ever date someone with BPD because we're all "crazy" and dangerous. Other sites that claimed that people with BPD were psychotic and likely murderers and stalkers. Sites that said that people with BPD were incapable of love but also unlovable. One message board post even said "If you ever encounter one of these wenches, either steer clear or just f-them, then leave. You can't save them." That's awful. And the sort of behavior that will trigger someone with BPD. Someone else said that they didn't "buy that personality disorder crap because it was just an excuse for creating drama".
So if I may, let me tell you what life is like from the point of view of someone with BPD. It is hell.
Imagine always feeling unlovable and unwanted. Always afraid that anyone you care for will leave, but loving them anyway only to have them leave when they do really get to know you and the "honeymoon phase" is over. This happens with friends as well as romantic relationships. And in some cases and my own, even family rejects you. The very people who are supposed to love you no matter what, don't. Everyone says "I'll never leave, I love you!". But you know that eventually, they will leave and they won't love you anymore. And knowing that, will drive you crazy.
I am constantly on guard and watching for red flags. And when I see one (or think I do) I lash out. The other person usually has no idea what is wrong or why I'm upset even when I tell them. And if I am hurt? I want to hurt back, anyway that I can so the other person will hurt as much as I do. A certain song, sound, smell, or words can easily set off associations that bring me back to a place where I didn't feel safe or was hurt. That reaction is similar in a lot of ways to PTSD and BPD is often mis-diagnosed as PTSD. As soon as those red flags come up, I start pushing the person away as a way to protect myself. But at the same time, I'm desperately hoping that they won't leave. That this time, this person will love me enough to stay.
Another thing that people are confused by is my our apparent inability to maintain relationships. I seem to jump from one friend or relationship to another, going from loving and idolizing them to despising them - deleting them from my cell phones and unfriending them on Facebook or here on LJ. I will avoid them, not answer their calls, and refuse all invitations to be around them, but at other times, all I want to do is be around them.
Are you seeing the war zone that is my heart and brain yet?
I have trouble knowing who I am. Which is probably another reason that I hate the introduction entries so much. I tend to take on the attributes or hobbies or personalities of whoever I am with. Always trying to be "the cool kid". The difference between who I am at work, or at school, and at home is huge. And people would probably be shocked if they saw me in all three places. I grew up with a father who had a hair trigger temper and a mother who never wanted kids to begin with. I had to be able to change either or both of them at any given time without warning. And I really wasn't allowed to find myself. Everything was dictated to me. How I'd dress, what activities I'd do, who my friends could be... everything. I wasn't really allowed to express any feeling so I learned to hold it all in. And that is not a good thing. I never learned how to manage my emotions so now I get overwhelmed by them and carried away by them. And of course, people around me think I am reacting in a huge way to something very small. But for me, it's all big. And I don't know how to deal with it. And that usually leads to me completely shutting down. That's called dissociation. Blank look and complete withdrawal that is usually seen by others as pouting. It's not. I literally can't deal any more so I mentally go into hiding.
I'm a mental and emotional mess. And I am hoping that DBT can help me with that. I don't want to have to take medication to keep me from being overwhelmed by my own emotions. I don't want to simultaneously push and pull people. And I want to be able to look in the mirror and know exactly who I am and know that I am lovable. I don't want to constantly be on guard and searching for red flags. I want to be normal, whatever that is.
So, am I crazy?
When I was first diagnosed I of course started Googling BPD and some of what I found made me scared and angry. There were many informative message boards and websites, but there were just as many negative ones. Places where men said not to ever date someone with BPD because we're all "crazy" and dangerous. Other sites that claimed that people with BPD were psychotic and likely murderers and stalkers. Sites that said that people with BPD were incapable of love but also unlovable. One message board post even said "If you ever encounter one of these wenches, either steer clear or just f-them, then leave. You can't save them." That's awful. And the sort of behavior that will trigger someone with BPD. Someone else said that they didn't "buy that personality disorder crap because it was just an excuse for creating drama".
So if I may, let me tell you what life is like from the point of view of someone with BPD. It is hell.
Imagine always feeling unlovable and unwanted. Always afraid that anyone you care for will leave, but loving them anyway only to have them leave when they do really get to know you and the "honeymoon phase" is over. This happens with friends as well as romantic relationships. And in some cases and my own, even family rejects you. The very people who are supposed to love you no matter what, don't. Everyone says "I'll never leave, I love you!". But you know that eventually, they will leave and they won't love you anymore. And knowing that, will drive you crazy.
I am constantly on guard and watching for red flags. And when I see one (or think I do) I lash out. The other person usually has no idea what is wrong or why I'm upset even when I tell them. And if I am hurt? I want to hurt back, anyway that I can so the other person will hurt as much as I do. A certain song, sound, smell, or words can easily set off associations that bring me back to a place where I didn't feel safe or was hurt. That reaction is similar in a lot of ways to PTSD and BPD is often mis-diagnosed as PTSD. As soon as those red flags come up, I start pushing the person away as a way to protect myself. But at the same time, I'm desperately hoping that they won't leave. That this time, this person will love me enough to stay.
Another thing that people are confused by is my our apparent inability to maintain relationships. I seem to jump from one friend or relationship to another, going from loving and idolizing them to despising them - deleting them from my cell phones and unfriending them on Facebook or here on LJ. I will avoid them, not answer their calls, and refuse all invitations to be around them, but at other times, all I want to do is be around them.
Are you seeing the war zone that is my heart and brain yet?
I have trouble knowing who I am. Which is probably another reason that I hate the introduction entries so much. I tend to take on the attributes or hobbies or personalities of whoever I am with. Always trying to be "the cool kid". The difference between who I am at work, or at school, and at home is huge. And people would probably be shocked if they saw me in all three places. I grew up with a father who had a hair trigger temper and a mother who never wanted kids to begin with. I had to be able to change either or both of them at any given time without warning. And I really wasn't allowed to find myself. Everything was dictated to me. How I'd dress, what activities I'd do, who my friends could be... everything. I wasn't really allowed to express any feeling so I learned to hold it all in. And that is not a good thing. I never learned how to manage my emotions so now I get overwhelmed by them and carried away by them. And of course, people around me think I am reacting in a huge way to something very small. But for me, it's all big. And I don't know how to deal with it. And that usually leads to me completely shutting down. That's called dissociation. Blank look and complete withdrawal that is usually seen by others as pouting. It's not. I literally can't deal any more so I mentally go into hiding.
I'm a mental and emotional mess. And I am hoping that DBT can help me with that. I don't want to have to take medication to keep me from being overwhelmed by my own emotions. I don't want to simultaneously push and pull people. And I want to be able to look in the mirror and know exactly who I am and know that I am lovable. I don't want to constantly be on guard and searching for red flags. I want to be normal, whatever that is.
So, am I crazy?