forbidden
jongdae/sehun ; ?? words ; pg
joseon era au bad bday present for eunbean <3
sehun doesn't remember much of his early life. his parents died in poverty and since he was an orphan, a trader picked him up. the first memory he has is of the day the kim family bought him.
he remembers being given a bath and feeling pristine in a new set of clothes. they were servant's clothes, made of coarse, plain fabric, but they were cleaner than anything he had ever owned.
"from now on you will serve my son jongdae," lord kim had said. "you will do what he says, and you will do nothing that will embarrass our family name."
jongdae wasn't much older than sehun, and he was much less stern than his father.
"sehunnie! let's go play!" jongdae had cried, his small fingers instantly wrapping around sehun's wrist. sehun was so startled he could barely mutter a "yes, young master," before jongdae started dragging them towards the back garden. maybe his mother had called him sehunnie. it had been a long time since anyone had called him anything but "you" or "boy," and jongdae had jumped so easily to such a familiar name. as if jongdae thought of sehun as someone close to him already.
jongdae did a lot of things differently from other people. it was hard for sehun to believe at first, but jongdae made it clear that he wanted sehun around. not just so sehun could serve him, but so he could have someone to play with and someone to tell secrets to. jongdae insisted that sehun learn to read with him. when jongdae bought snacks on the street, he got one for sehun and even asked him what flavor he wanted. jongdae let sehun wear his nice clothes in secret because he "wanted to see sehunnie in a pink hanbok." when they were little, sehun could think of jongdae as his only friend.
but now they're older. sehun is about seventeen and jongdae is nineteen, and every day sehun is aware of the divide between them. sehun has become more important to the kim family now because he can wield a sword and protect jongdae. that's all he can be, though: a bodyguard and servant to kim jongdae. even though jongdae still insists on calling sehun his closest friend, the rest of the world doesn't see it that way. sehun is lower than jongdae. they cannot be equals no matter how hard sehun wishes they were.
the kim household talks of girls often. several of jongdae's other friends are already married, and his mother meets with matchmakers several times a week. sehun feels strange when they talk about it and he's not sure why. he's known that he will never marry himself since he will spend the rest of his life serving jongdae, but it feels strange to think that soon he may not be the closest one to jongdae.
jongdae makes fun of it, saying that he'll never be ready to marry because he doesn't understand women. "i can't get out of it, though. father wants me to continue the bloodline. at least i'll always have you by my side, sehunnie," he says with a grin. sehun's glad too.
today sehun accompanies jongdae to the market before his first meeting with the girl he's likely to meet. jongdae has to bring her a small present.
"how does this look?" jongdae asks, picking up a hairpin with a ceramic flower on it. he holds it up to sehun's face, standing on his toes to reach all the way. "wow, it looks pretty on you! do you want one too, sehunnie?"
sehun bats jongdae's hand away, but he feels slightly better that jongdae is thinking of him for a moment instead of the girl. he still holds on to the childish hope that he can be jongdae's one and only best friend.
he doesn't like it at all when jongdae and the girl sit across a table drinking tea and exchanging gifts. normally he likes to see jongdae smile and talk cheerfully, but this time none of it is meant for sehun. he knows as a servant that he shouldn't crave attention like this, but he can't stop the jealousy. he hopes the girl says something stupid or gets food stuck in her teeth, anything so that jongdae can get tired of her and leave.
finally it's over, and jongdae still smiles. sehun does not.
"do you think she was pretty?" jongdae asks.
"she was okay," sehun mumbles, but truthfully she was beautiful. even through his dislike sehun could see that.
"she's seventeen. your age, sehunnie. she's really nice. it's a wonder she isn't married yet."
sehun doesn't respond.
jongdae keeps meeting the girl, and he starts doing extra things to impress her. he asks sehun to help him come up with ideas for poems to write for her. he brings sehun with him when shopping for gifts. he insists that sehun have a swordfight with him in front of her. sehun lets him win.
he also has gayageum lessons more often, something he had started when he was young and had always loved. he had tried to get sehun to learn before, but sehun had never been very good.
"try again," jongdae had pleaded. "i'll know the songs better if i teach them to you. please, sehunnie? it'll be fun!"
sehun didn't have much right to refuse, and jongdae was so enthusiastic it was hard to say no. he sits in front of the gayageum, intimidated by all the different strings and the thought of painful callouses on his fingers.
"remember the beginning of arirang? try that," jongdae says.
sehun places his fingers on the middle strings, not sure if they're in the right place.
"start here." jongdae takes sehun's hands and moves them to the right strings. jongdae's hands are so much smaller than sehun's, and sehun gets distracted looking at them. jongdae's fingers are also very warm.
"now play the beginning!" jongdae looks so excited that sehun doesn't think and starts slowly plucking the tune he thinks of first.
"oh, sehunnie, that's much better than you used to be, but you're playing the wrong song! you're playing chunhyanga's sarangga, not arirang! why are you playing a pansori love song?" jongdae's laughing. sehun's cheeks feel warm, but jongdae's smile is contagious. now jongdae has launched into his rendition of sarangga, his voice shaking with laughter. sehun still feels stupid for playing a love song for jongdae even though it was just practice in private. men don't play love songs for each other. jongdae's getting married. sehun's just stupid.
as if to prove this point, sehun has a dream of him teaching jongdae how to fight with a sword. most of it is jongdae holding it wrong and sehun having to adjust the position of his hands. jongdae's fingers are so warm, and for some reason sehun's breathing is unsteady even though he's not fighting. suddenly the girl is there and jongdae slices with the sword, stabbing it right through sehun's chest. it doesn't even hurt, but there's a lot of blood. it's on everyone's hands, and sehun wakes up in the dark breathing hard, his hand on his untouched chest.
the night before the wedding, sehun wakes up when the door to his room slides open.
"sehun-ah," jongdae whispers, holding out his hand in the darkness. "i'm sorry to wake you, but can you come with me?"
they go back to jongdae's room, and jongdae sits down on his blankets.
"sit with me, sehun-ah."
"on master's --? i can't."
"yes you can. in fact, i order you to," jongdae says quietly. hesitantly, sehun follows his command.
"i normally tell you all my secrets, don't i, sehun-ah? but i've been keeping this one for a while. i've been confused about it. you can't tell anyone ever. i really mean it."
sehun nods. "i won't say a word."
jongdae leans in closer even though his voice is already barely audible. "i can't love her."
sehun waits for jongdae to go on, but jongdae seems to be waiting for sehun to say something. "aren't there a lot of marriages without love? and besides, i thought you said you like her."
jongdae sighs. "she's very nice and there's nothing i dislike about her, but i can't love her." again he waits for sehun.
"why not?"
"don't you know, sehun-ah?"
"know what?"
jongdae places his hands around sehun's face and pulls him in until their lips touch. sehun's first thought is that jongdae's lips are even softer than they look. his second thought is that this shouldn't be happening, but why does he like it?
jongdae pulls away, his breath still warm on sehun's lips.
"you can't lie to me, sehun-ah. tell me. did you like that?"
sehun swallows. "yes."
"i've thought about this a lot, sehun-ah. i was really confused. i felt nervous when our hands touched, and when i met with her i kept thinking i'd be having more fun with you. i thought she could get rid of these strange feelings, but no. i like you the most, sehun-ah. you're the one i can tell all my secrets to and laugh with, and i like this--" he kisses sehun again swiftly.
"but," sehun tries, "isn't this not how it's supposed to be? i... i like it too--" he looks down at jongdae's hands, which have just enclosed his own, "but... we're men. and i'm your servant. we're not equal, and you're marrying a woman tomorrow. how can you...?"
"i don't care," jongdae says. "my heart can't lie to me like this. it can't be wrong. i don't care if you're a man or if you're my servant. i have to get married, but i had to tell you first. if you don't want to, then you can still be my best friend. i'll understand. who would want to risk being caught and killed for a few stolen kisses at night?"
"i--" sehun's heart and mind are racing. he's still trying to figure himself out. he-- he likes jongdae? not just as a friend? all this time he had thought he just wanted to be jongdae's best friend, but really he wanted this? hands and lips touching? there was no denying he liked it. and here jongdae was, telling sehun that he liked him more than his wife-to-be.
sehun squeezes jongdae's hand, still so warm. "i'm yours." he was surprised at his own words. it was surprisingly easy to decide what he wanted.
"sehun-ah," jongdae breathes. he moves closer until his arms are wrapped around sehun's torso. sehun can't ever recall being embraced. he decides it's one of the best feelings, next to being kissed by jongdae.
"stay here. sleep in here tonight. if someone finds us i'll tell them i was feeling cold--"
sehun cuts him off with another kiss. he didn't expect himself to be so daring, but jongdae is addicting. "anything for you."
this is far from perfect, but it's enough for sehun.
joseon era au bad bday present for eunbean <3
sehun doesn't remember much of his early life. his parents died in poverty and since he was an orphan, a trader picked him up. the first memory he has is of the day the kim family bought him.
he remembers being given a bath and feeling pristine in a new set of clothes. they were servant's clothes, made of coarse, plain fabric, but they were cleaner than anything he had ever owned.
"from now on you will serve my son jongdae," lord kim had said. "you will do what he says, and you will do nothing that will embarrass our family name."
jongdae wasn't much older than sehun, and he was much less stern than his father.
"sehunnie! let's go play!" jongdae had cried, his small fingers instantly wrapping around sehun's wrist. sehun was so startled he could barely mutter a "yes, young master," before jongdae started dragging them towards the back garden. maybe his mother had called him sehunnie. it had been a long time since anyone had called him anything but "you" or "boy," and jongdae had jumped so easily to such a familiar name. as if jongdae thought of sehun as someone close to him already.
jongdae did a lot of things differently from other people. it was hard for sehun to believe at first, but jongdae made it clear that he wanted sehun around. not just so sehun could serve him, but so he could have someone to play with and someone to tell secrets to. jongdae insisted that sehun learn to read with him. when jongdae bought snacks on the street, he got one for sehun and even asked him what flavor he wanted. jongdae let sehun wear his nice clothes in secret because he "wanted to see sehunnie in a pink hanbok." when they were little, sehun could think of jongdae as his only friend.
but now they're older. sehun is about seventeen and jongdae is nineteen, and every day sehun is aware of the divide between them. sehun has become more important to the kim family now because he can wield a sword and protect jongdae. that's all he can be, though: a bodyguard and servant to kim jongdae. even though jongdae still insists on calling sehun his closest friend, the rest of the world doesn't see it that way. sehun is lower than jongdae. they cannot be equals no matter how hard sehun wishes they were.
the kim household talks of girls often. several of jongdae's other friends are already married, and his mother meets with matchmakers several times a week. sehun feels strange when they talk about it and he's not sure why. he's known that he will never marry himself since he will spend the rest of his life serving jongdae, but it feels strange to think that soon he may not be the closest one to jongdae.
jongdae makes fun of it, saying that he'll never be ready to marry because he doesn't understand women. "i can't get out of it, though. father wants me to continue the bloodline. at least i'll always have you by my side, sehunnie," he says with a grin. sehun's glad too.
today sehun accompanies jongdae to the market before his first meeting with the girl he's likely to meet. jongdae has to bring her a small present.
"how does this look?" jongdae asks, picking up a hairpin with a ceramic flower on it. he holds it up to sehun's face, standing on his toes to reach all the way. "wow, it looks pretty on you! do you want one too, sehunnie?"
sehun bats jongdae's hand away, but he feels slightly better that jongdae is thinking of him for a moment instead of the girl. he still holds on to the childish hope that he can be jongdae's one and only best friend.
he doesn't like it at all when jongdae and the girl sit across a table drinking tea and exchanging gifts. normally he likes to see jongdae smile and talk cheerfully, but this time none of it is meant for sehun. he knows as a servant that he shouldn't crave attention like this, but he can't stop the jealousy. he hopes the girl says something stupid or gets food stuck in her teeth, anything so that jongdae can get tired of her and leave.
finally it's over, and jongdae still smiles. sehun does not.
"do you think she was pretty?" jongdae asks.
"she was okay," sehun mumbles, but truthfully she was beautiful. even through his dislike sehun could see that.
"she's seventeen. your age, sehunnie. she's really nice. it's a wonder she isn't married yet."
sehun doesn't respond.
jongdae keeps meeting the girl, and he starts doing extra things to impress her. he asks sehun to help him come up with ideas for poems to write for her. he brings sehun with him when shopping for gifts. he insists that sehun have a swordfight with him in front of her. sehun lets him win.
he also has gayageum lessons more often, something he had started when he was young and had always loved. he had tried to get sehun to learn before, but sehun had never been very good.
"try again," jongdae had pleaded. "i'll know the songs better if i teach them to you. please, sehunnie? it'll be fun!"
sehun didn't have much right to refuse, and jongdae was so enthusiastic it was hard to say no. he sits in front of the gayageum, intimidated by all the different strings and the thought of painful callouses on his fingers.
"remember the beginning of arirang? try that," jongdae says.
sehun places his fingers on the middle strings, not sure if they're in the right place.
"start here." jongdae takes sehun's hands and moves them to the right strings. jongdae's hands are so much smaller than sehun's, and sehun gets distracted looking at them. jongdae's fingers are also very warm.
"now play the beginning!" jongdae looks so excited that sehun doesn't think and starts slowly plucking the tune he thinks of first.
"oh, sehunnie, that's much better than you used to be, but you're playing the wrong song! you're playing chunhyanga's sarangga, not arirang! why are you playing a pansori love song?" jongdae's laughing. sehun's cheeks feel warm, but jongdae's smile is contagious. now jongdae has launched into his rendition of sarangga, his voice shaking with laughter. sehun still feels stupid for playing a love song for jongdae even though it was just practice in private. men don't play love songs for each other. jongdae's getting married. sehun's just stupid.
as if to prove this point, sehun has a dream of him teaching jongdae how to fight with a sword. most of it is jongdae holding it wrong and sehun having to adjust the position of his hands. jongdae's fingers are so warm, and for some reason sehun's breathing is unsteady even though he's not fighting. suddenly the girl is there and jongdae slices with the sword, stabbing it right through sehun's chest. it doesn't even hurt, but there's a lot of blood. it's on everyone's hands, and sehun wakes up in the dark breathing hard, his hand on his untouched chest.
the night before the wedding, sehun wakes up when the door to his room slides open.
"sehun-ah," jongdae whispers, holding out his hand in the darkness. "i'm sorry to wake you, but can you come with me?"
they go back to jongdae's room, and jongdae sits down on his blankets.
"sit with me, sehun-ah."
"on master's --? i can't."
"yes you can. in fact, i order you to," jongdae says quietly. hesitantly, sehun follows his command.
"i normally tell you all my secrets, don't i, sehun-ah? but i've been keeping this one for a while. i've been confused about it. you can't tell anyone ever. i really mean it."
sehun nods. "i won't say a word."
jongdae leans in closer even though his voice is already barely audible. "i can't love her."
sehun waits for jongdae to go on, but jongdae seems to be waiting for sehun to say something. "aren't there a lot of marriages without love? and besides, i thought you said you like her."
jongdae sighs. "she's very nice and there's nothing i dislike about her, but i can't love her." again he waits for sehun.
"why not?"
"don't you know, sehun-ah?"
"know what?"
jongdae places his hands around sehun's face and pulls him in until their lips touch. sehun's first thought is that jongdae's lips are even softer than they look. his second thought is that this shouldn't be happening, but why does he like it?
jongdae pulls away, his breath still warm on sehun's lips.
"you can't lie to me, sehun-ah. tell me. did you like that?"
sehun swallows. "yes."
"i've thought about this a lot, sehun-ah. i was really confused. i felt nervous when our hands touched, and when i met with her i kept thinking i'd be having more fun with you. i thought she could get rid of these strange feelings, but no. i like you the most, sehun-ah. you're the one i can tell all my secrets to and laugh with, and i like this--" he kisses sehun again swiftly.
"but," sehun tries, "isn't this not how it's supposed to be? i... i like it too--" he looks down at jongdae's hands, which have just enclosed his own, "but... we're men. and i'm your servant. we're not equal, and you're marrying a woman tomorrow. how can you...?"
"i don't care," jongdae says. "my heart can't lie to me like this. it can't be wrong. i don't care if you're a man or if you're my servant. i have to get married, but i had to tell you first. if you don't want to, then you can still be my best friend. i'll understand. who would want to risk being caught and killed for a few stolen kisses at night?"
"i--" sehun's heart and mind are racing. he's still trying to figure himself out. he-- he likes jongdae? not just as a friend? all this time he had thought he just wanted to be jongdae's best friend, but really he wanted this? hands and lips touching? there was no denying he liked it. and here jongdae was, telling sehun that he liked him more than his wife-to-be.
sehun squeezes jongdae's hand, still so warm. "i'm yours." he was surprised at his own words. it was surprisingly easy to decide what he wanted.
"sehun-ah," jongdae breathes. he moves closer until his arms are wrapped around sehun's torso. sehun can't ever recall being embraced. he decides it's one of the best feelings, next to being kissed by jongdae.
"stay here. sleep in here tonight. if someone finds us i'll tell them i was feeling cold--"
sehun cuts him off with another kiss. he didn't expect himself to be so daring, but jongdae is addicting. "anything for you."
this is far from perfect, but it's enough for sehun.