so please, don't give up on me
ace!kyungsoo/jongin ; ~1600 words ; pg
kyungsoo doesn't want to have sex, therefore, no one seems to want him.
the soft rustling of pages turning. the nearly nonexistent murmur of people speaking quietly. the smell of printed ink and paper. kyungsoo loves the library; there’s always another corner of shelf to escape behind and forget some of the world’s terrors. with headphones over his ears and his fingers over stacks of books, he’s happy. it’s fine for him to be alone.
though kyungsoo sometimes has the feeling that he doesn’t want to be alone. as a university student, it seems as if everyone around him is involved in relationships of all kinds. he’s not a completely unsocial person, but he hasn’t ever sustained a single relationship. some of those “couple things” aren’t to his taste, but he thinks he’d like to have someone to lean against when he needs it. someone who isn’t family that would call him special. someone who could watch over him if that was ever necessary.
speaking of which, kyungsoo has a strange sense that someone’s eyes are boring into him. he looks up from his book and turns around, but he only sees the blur of someone hiding? moving? behind a nearby bookshelf. curious, he gets up from his seat and approaches the bookshelf. there’s one boy in the aisle, not looking kyungsoo’s way and searching intently for a book. kyungsoo makes his way back to his seat.
a few days later, kyungsoo waits in line for coffee at a cafe on campus. he likes the smell of cafes, but this one is rather large and noisy. he boredly stares into space, trying to block out some of the surrounding sounds without much luck.
finally it’s his turn to order. “two black coffees, to go,” he says. he needs a lot of strength to survive in a school with this many stupid people. as he waits, he notices the boy in line behind him now ordering. he looks vaguely familiar, and kyungsoo recognizes the hoodie he’s wearing as the same one the boy in the library was wearing the other day. same boy. mildly surprising since this is a large university. kyungsoo finds coincidences fascinating.
the boy now notices kyungsoo staring and seems to jump slightly. kyungsoo immediately averts his eyes. luckily, his coffees are ready and he leaves swiftly and silently.
kyungsoo finds the next coincidence more strange. he’s in the library again, in one of the comfy armchairs, and library boy/coffee boy/now library boy again sits down in the chair next to him. he doesn’t look at kyungsoo, so kyungsoo doesn’t do anything either. they both read in silence. out of curiosity, kyungsoo looks over at the boy’s book. it’s in chinese.
“你说中文吗？“ kyungsoo asks.
the other boy looks up, blinking wildly. “what?” he says a few seconds late.
“your book is in chinese, but you don’t speak chinese?”
“...好?” the boy says. his eyes are wide with what looks like fright.
kyungsoo is puzzled. this boy seems strange, and why does he keep showing up around kyungsoo?
before kyungsoo can say anything else, the boy gets up from his chair and walks away very quickly, shoving the book into the library’s return box.
kyungsoo doesn’t bother to look when the library chair next to him becomes occupied. he has a feeling that he knows who it is already.
fifteen minutes later, curiosity gets the better of him. he looks at the adjacent seat and sees the same boy. this time he’s reading a manga. one piece: a classic. kyungsoo smiles to himself.
“umm… why do you keep staring at me?”
kyungsoo blinks. “i wasn’t staring.”
“okay,” the boy mumbles.
kyungsoo gets up from his chair and the boy blurts out, “where are you going?”
“i have class in fifteen minutes.”
“oh… right,” the boy says.
kyungsoo walks away, feeling strange again. he hadn’t noticed how handsome the boy was before.
“wait!” the boy calls out before kyungsoo takes five steps. “i’m jongin. i’ll, uh, see you around i guess?”
kyungsoo turns around. “my name’s kyungsoo,” he says, and a smile comes naturally to his face. “sure.”
“two black coffees,” kyungsoo says to the barista. a voice behind him calls out “i’ll pay for his order.”
kyungsoo turns around and comes face to face with The Boy -- no, jongin -- who turns pink.
‘do you like guys?” is the first thing that comes out of jongin’s mouth. “wait, no. i mean, how are you?”
jongin looks so angry at himself (and adorable, which kyungsoo finds strange -- he doesn’t find people adorable) that kyungsoo laughs lightly. “i’m fine. and why are you asking about my preference?”
“well,” jongin looks like he wants to sink into the floor, “this is going to sound weird, but i first noticed you when you wore a The Void shirt because they’re my favorite band and i thought you looked like a nice person, but i was too nervous to talk to you at first so i kept trying but chickening out and that’s why you saw me in the library the other day and the coffee shop and the library again and. i probably don’t know you very well but i think i want to be friends?”
kyungsoo takes a sip of his coffee. “then why are you asking if i like guys? if you want to date me, we can work something out.” wait. he did not just say that. but jongin is so handsome and so cute, and he did just say that. oh dear.
“really?” jongin is turning even pinker and even more attractive, if that’s possible.
kyungsoo can’t stop himself from smiling.
dating jongin is quite different from any other (short) relationship kyungsoo has had. kyungsoo is now full of guilt because he enjoys being with jongin so much but thinks it only inevitable that they break up when jongin finds out he won’t be able to have sex with him. they grow closer as they read books together at the library (kyungsoo compiles a list of books for jongin to read and jongin tries to keep up with it) and watch movies. they even rewatch the entirety of prince of tennis together. jongin is very eager to lean against kyungsoo or put his arm around kyungsoo’s shoulders. he hasn’t tried to kiss kyungsoo yet, which kyungsoo is thankful for. he never made it that far with anyone else and he wants to one day, but he doesn’t know if he’s ready.
when jongin wants to celebrate their 100th day anniversary, kyungsoo can’t take it anymore. they go to kyungsoo’s dorm room and kyungsoo sits down on the bed, tapping his foot nervously.
“jongin, there’s something i haven’t told you,” he starts.
“tell me anything,” jongin says, and kyungsoo feels a piece of his heart break.
“i… i don’t want to fuck you.”
“wait, we weren’t supposed to be that far yet, were we? we’re not deciding who tops or bottoms yet, are we?”
“jongin, it’s not that… i don’t want to have sex. at all. ever.”
“oh.” jongin stands in silence for a minute, then sits down on the bed.
“you can go now,” kyungsoo says wearily. “i’m used to this. don’t try to find me on campus and be my friend or anything. it was nice while it lasted.”
“hyung, why are you breaking up with me? i don’t want to break up with you!”
“what?” kyungsoo looks up in surprise.
“i really really like you, kyungsoo. it’s okay if you don’t want to have sex. that’s perfectly fine. did you think i would leave you because of that?”
“honestly, yes i did. this… this is the first time that anyone has ever been okay with it.” kyungsoo tries to stare at the floor so that the tears don’t fall from his eyes.
“i would never ask you to have sex if you didn’t want to,” jongin murmurs, putting a hand over one of kyungsoo’s. kyungsoo can’t say anything. he’s in shock.
“is it okay if i kiss you?” jongin says, barely audible.
kyungsoo nods.
“oh good,” jongin sighs before mumbling something else kyungsoo can’t hear.
“what did you say?”
“nothing,” jongin says, but his cheeks tinge pink.
“seriously, what did you say?” kyungsoo grins.
“nothing!!!” jongin hides his face in his hands.
kyungsoo moves so that he’s on jongin’s lap and pries jongin’s hands away. he presses a soft kiss to jongin’s lips. “now tell me what you said.”
the other boy’s face is now cherry-colored. kyungsoo wonders what would happen if he kissed him again. “i said that your lips are too pretty not to touch,” jongin wails, covering his face with his hands again.
kyungsoo gives him another kiss.
kyungsoo keeps waiting for jongin to say “i can’t take it. i can’t take this. we’re over.” he expects jongin to walk out of his life one day, maybe after having left a small note on kyungsoo’s pillow saying “goodbye.” but it doesn’t happen. jongin still meets him at the library (jongin’s always there first) with a bright smile, no apprehensive look of uncertainty or disgust on his face. jongin kisses him with as much fervor as ever, sliding his hands down kyungsoo’s shoulders and chest sometimes but never going any further. sometimes they fall asleep together on one of the tiny twin dorm beds, but nothing else ever happens. sometimes kyungsoo wakes up during these nights and it’s such a relief to have the sound of jongin’s deep, steady breaths next to his ear. he doesn’t even feel like he needs a blanket to keep him warm. and for the first time, kyungsoo thinks that maybe a forever does exist.
kyungsoo doesn't want to have sex, therefore, no one seems to want him.
the soft rustling of pages turning. the nearly nonexistent murmur of people speaking quietly. the smell of printed ink and paper. kyungsoo loves the library; there’s always another corner of shelf to escape behind and forget some of the world’s terrors. with headphones over his ears and his fingers over stacks of books, he’s happy. it’s fine for him to be alone.
though kyungsoo sometimes has the feeling that he doesn’t want to be alone. as a university student, it seems as if everyone around him is involved in relationships of all kinds. he’s not a completely unsocial person, but he hasn’t ever sustained a single relationship. some of those “couple things” aren’t to his taste, but he thinks he’d like to have someone to lean against when he needs it. someone who isn’t family that would call him special. someone who could watch over him if that was ever necessary.
speaking of which, kyungsoo has a strange sense that someone’s eyes are boring into him. he looks up from his book and turns around, but he only sees the blur of someone hiding? moving? behind a nearby bookshelf. curious, he gets up from his seat and approaches the bookshelf. there’s one boy in the aisle, not looking kyungsoo’s way and searching intently for a book. kyungsoo makes his way back to his seat.
a few days later, kyungsoo waits in line for coffee at a cafe on campus. he likes the smell of cafes, but this one is rather large and noisy. he boredly stares into space, trying to block out some of the surrounding sounds without much luck.
finally it’s his turn to order. “two black coffees, to go,” he says. he needs a lot of strength to survive in a school with this many stupid people. as he waits, he notices the boy in line behind him now ordering. he looks vaguely familiar, and kyungsoo recognizes the hoodie he’s wearing as the same one the boy in the library was wearing the other day. same boy. mildly surprising since this is a large university. kyungsoo finds coincidences fascinating.
the boy now notices kyungsoo staring and seems to jump slightly. kyungsoo immediately averts his eyes. luckily, his coffees are ready and he leaves swiftly and silently.
kyungsoo finds the next coincidence more strange. he’s in the library again, in one of the comfy armchairs, and library boy/coffee boy/now library boy again sits down in the chair next to him. he doesn’t look at kyungsoo, so kyungsoo doesn’t do anything either. they both read in silence. out of curiosity, kyungsoo looks over at the boy’s book. it’s in chinese.
“你说中文吗？“ kyungsoo asks.
the other boy looks up, blinking wildly. “what?” he says a few seconds late.
“your book is in chinese, but you don’t speak chinese?”
“...好?” the boy says. his eyes are wide with what looks like fright.
kyungsoo is puzzled. this boy seems strange, and why does he keep showing up around kyungsoo?
before kyungsoo can say anything else, the boy gets up from his chair and walks away very quickly, shoving the book into the library’s return box.
kyungsoo doesn’t bother to look when the library chair next to him becomes occupied. he has a feeling that he knows who it is already.
fifteen minutes later, curiosity gets the better of him. he looks at the adjacent seat and sees the same boy. this time he’s reading a manga. one piece: a classic. kyungsoo smiles to himself.
“umm… why do you keep staring at me?”
kyungsoo blinks. “i wasn’t staring.”
“okay,” the boy mumbles.
kyungsoo gets up from his chair and the boy blurts out, “where are you going?”
“i have class in fifteen minutes.”
“oh… right,” the boy says.
kyungsoo walks away, feeling strange again. he hadn’t noticed how handsome the boy was before.
“wait!” the boy calls out before kyungsoo takes five steps. “i’m jongin. i’ll, uh, see you around i guess?”
kyungsoo turns around. “my name’s kyungsoo,” he says, and a smile comes naturally to his face. “sure.”
“two black coffees,” kyungsoo says to the barista. a voice behind him calls out “i’ll pay for his order.”
kyungsoo turns around and comes face to face with The Boy -- no, jongin -- who turns pink.
‘do you like guys?” is the first thing that comes out of jongin’s mouth. “wait, no. i mean, how are you?”
jongin looks so angry at himself (and adorable, which kyungsoo finds strange -- he doesn’t find people adorable) that kyungsoo laughs lightly. “i’m fine. and why are you asking about my preference?”
“well,” jongin looks like he wants to sink into the floor, “this is going to sound weird, but i first noticed you when you wore a The Void shirt because they’re my favorite band and i thought you looked like a nice person, but i was too nervous to talk to you at first so i kept trying but chickening out and that’s why you saw me in the library the other day and the coffee shop and the library again and. i probably don’t know you very well but i think i want to be friends?”
kyungsoo takes a sip of his coffee. “then why are you asking if i like guys? if you want to date me, we can work something out.” wait. he did not just say that. but jongin is so handsome and so cute, and he did just say that. oh dear.
“really?” jongin is turning even pinker and even more attractive, if that’s possible.
kyungsoo can’t stop himself from smiling.
dating jongin is quite different from any other (short) relationship kyungsoo has had. kyungsoo is now full of guilt because he enjoys being with jongin so much but thinks it only inevitable that they break up when jongin finds out he won’t be able to have sex with him. they grow closer as they read books together at the library (kyungsoo compiles a list of books for jongin to read and jongin tries to keep up with it) and watch movies. they even rewatch the entirety of prince of tennis together. jongin is very eager to lean against kyungsoo or put his arm around kyungsoo’s shoulders. he hasn’t tried to kiss kyungsoo yet, which kyungsoo is thankful for. he never made it that far with anyone else and he wants to one day, but he doesn’t know if he’s ready.
when jongin wants to celebrate their 100th day anniversary, kyungsoo can’t take it anymore. they go to kyungsoo’s dorm room and kyungsoo sits down on the bed, tapping his foot nervously.
“jongin, there’s something i haven’t told you,” he starts.
“tell me anything,” jongin says, and kyungsoo feels a piece of his heart break.
“i… i don’t want to fuck you.”
“wait, we weren’t supposed to be that far yet, were we? we’re not deciding who tops or bottoms yet, are we?”
“jongin, it’s not that… i don’t want to have sex. at all. ever.”
“oh.” jongin stands in silence for a minute, then sits down on the bed.
“you can go now,” kyungsoo says wearily. “i’m used to this. don’t try to find me on campus and be my friend or anything. it was nice while it lasted.”
“hyung, why are you breaking up with me? i don’t want to break up with you!”
“what?” kyungsoo looks up in surprise.
“i really really like you, kyungsoo. it’s okay if you don’t want to have sex. that’s perfectly fine. did you think i would leave you because of that?”
“honestly, yes i did. this… this is the first time that anyone has ever been okay with it.” kyungsoo tries to stare at the floor so that the tears don’t fall from his eyes.
“i would never ask you to have sex if you didn’t want to,” jongin murmurs, putting a hand over one of kyungsoo’s. kyungsoo can’t say anything. he’s in shock.
“is it okay if i kiss you?” jongin says, barely audible.
kyungsoo nods.
“oh good,” jongin sighs before mumbling something else kyungsoo can’t hear.
“what did you say?”
“nothing,” jongin says, but his cheeks tinge pink.
“seriously, what did you say?” kyungsoo grins.
“nothing!!!” jongin hides his face in his hands.
kyungsoo moves so that he’s on jongin’s lap and pries jongin’s hands away. he presses a soft kiss to jongin’s lips. “now tell me what you said.”
the other boy’s face is now cherry-colored. kyungsoo wonders what would happen if he kissed him again. “i said that your lips are too pretty not to touch,” jongin wails, covering his face with his hands again.
kyungsoo gives him another kiss.
kyungsoo keeps waiting for jongin to say “i can’t take it. i can’t take this. we’re over.” he expects jongin to walk out of his life one day, maybe after having left a small note on kyungsoo’s pillow saying “goodbye.” but it doesn’t happen. jongin still meets him at the library (jongin’s always there first) with a bright smile, no apprehensive look of uncertainty or disgust on his face. jongin kisses him with as much fervor as ever, sliding his hands down kyungsoo’s shoulders and chest sometimes but never going any further. sometimes they fall asleep together on one of the tiny twin dorm beds, but nothing else ever happens. sometimes kyungsoo wakes up during these nights and it’s such a relief to have the sound of jongin’s deep, steady breaths next to his ear. he doesn’t even feel like he needs a blanket to keep him warm. and for the first time, kyungsoo thinks that maybe a forever does exist.