please, together, breathe with me
jongin/taemin ; 3300 words ; PG-13
so don't give up on me, I beg of you
Sleep is evasive. In the static heat of summer nights and the numbness of dark winter, Jongin gazes at the ceiling in hopes of finding the answers to his growing list of questions. He never does. Instead, an uncomfortable coldness blankets him until his back is soaked in nervous sweat. He grips the sheets until his fingertips start to lose sensation, but his mind still races. Even music can’t completely distract him from the thoughts swirling in his head. He lies there, exhausted but not sleepy, until day breaks and his eyelids finally drop.
A pillow hits his head, making him open his eyes reluctantly. Jongdae lightly frowns down at him. “Aren’t you excited that your older brother is finally home from university?”
“Oh. Hi.”
“Get up. It’s nearly noon and we’re going out to lunch.”
“Just the two of us?”
“No, Kyungsoo’s coming too.” Jongdae beams.
Jongin thinks of the many Instagram pictures Jongdae had posted of Kyungsoo: large, slightly frightening eyes boring into the camera; a reluctant V sign pressed up against his cheek; a heart-shaped smile that seemed rare. Jongin had yet to meet him in person.
“What does our Jonginnie want to eat? Chicken, isn’t it?”
“Of course,” Jongin mumbles with an inaudible sigh. His head is beginning to swirl again.
Jongdae immediately links his fingers with Kyungsoo’s when they meet at the restaurant. Kyungsoo nods politely at Jongin, but Jongin is still uneasy about the look in his eyes, as if he were scrutinizing Jongin’s every aspect.
Their fried chicken arrives steaming and Jongin doesn’t hesitate to dig in.
As Kyungsoo cuts his chicken up neatly with a fork and knife, he asks a question. “Jongin, are you dating anyone?”
The chicken in his throat gets stuck and Jongin coughs as he tries to answer no.
“Ah, you’ve been wasting away without me!” Jongdae says. “Now that Kyungsoo and I are back, we can help you.” He winks somewhat obnoxiously and grins. Kyungsoo does not seem overly enthusiastic to this suggestion.
“Give me your phone,” Jongdae interjects seriously. Jongin pulls it out of his pocket, confused, and Jongdae snatches it from his hand.
“Aha! Our Jonginnie is so gullible sometimes. So innocent. See, Kyungsoo, his phone passcode is still 1111.”
“What are you doing,” Jongin frowns. Jongdae usually has a reason for doing things and is generally trustworthy, but often Jongin doesn’t understand him.
“Looking at your contacts so I can find you a suitable date,” Jongdae says, scrolling furiously with his thumbs.
“Hey!” Jongin leans across the table and takes his phone back, hastily wiping the chicken grease off of it. “Don’t invade my privacy.”
Jongdae waves his hand dismissively. “Fine, fine. I’m just trying to help, you know. You seem to be moping around more than usual. I just think having a girlfriend would help. Or boyfriend.”
“Whatever.”
A knock on his door. Jongdae lets himself in before Jongin can say anything.
“Are you really okay, Jongin?”
Jongdae always knows when he’s lying. Jongin is a terrible liar. “Not really.”
“You haven’t replied properly to my texts recently. Too short, not often enough. Is something going on? Tell me anything you want to.”
A raincloud floats over Jongin and begins to drizzle until he’s lightly coated in cold. He waits, and so does Jongdae. “I’m kind of busy. I think a lot.”
“Do you want to tell me about it?”
“Not yet.”
Jongdae smiles, maybe a bit sadly. “Okay.”
“Jongin? Are you awake?” Jongdae whispers.
Jongin hesitates, then replies, “Yes.”
“Can I sleep here tonight? I’ve missed you.”
Jongin rolls over on his bed to make room. Jongdae stumbles over and wraps himself in the blankets. Soon the room fills with Jongdae’s deep breathing, and Jongin’s swirling thoughts seem to calm themselves somewhat. A rustle of the sheets, a soft sigh (from whom it’s not clear), and Jongdae’s arm falls over Jongin’s stomach.
For once, Jongin lets his guard down and falls asleep while it’s still dark. When he wakes up without Jongdae there, his chest feels slightly heavier.
Messages
Taemin
Let’s hang out today.
The shadow floats just above the ground.
It was in middle school that they met. Jongin had stayed at his desk to eat lunch and a boy with long, tousled hair and a smile sat down in the empty desk in front of him.
Jongin doesn’t remember much about beginnings. All he knows is that Taemin appeared one day and he never left.
Beginnings are never as important as the ends.
Jongin is terrified of the end.
“So,” Jongdae says as he sits down on Jongin’s bed. “I’m not being annoying, am I? I really am just trying to help. I really think you’d like it if you had a lover.”
“Boyfriend,” Jongin corrects as he strokes Monggu’s ears. The word “lover” is too strong for him right now.
“We’re in the same boat then,” Jongdae smiles warmly and lightly punches Jongin’s arm. “So you’re okay with this, right?”
“Yeah.”
Jongin waits until Jongdae leaves the room. “Monggu-ya. Am I being selfish? For wanting someone else to distract me? To help me get over my existing feelings?”
Monggu stares back at him and whines quietly.
“I don’t want to lose a friendship, Monggu-ya. This one-sidedness can’t hide itself forever. I don’t think I’m strong enough.”
Jongdae sighs quietly on the other side of the door so that Jongin can’t hear him.
The times when they shared kimbap at lunch. The times when they stayed up until sunrise playing video games and Taemin’s face was so awestruck by the colors of the clouds that Jongin’s heart rose. The time that Taemin cried to Jongin that he had spent all of his monthly allowance in two days and that everything was his fault.
Every time that euphoria and misery injected themselves in Jongin’s veins.
“Don’t you think Taemin is strange? He looks like a girl and it weirds me out.”
“He looks different from last year. I bet he got surgery.”
“I saw him in the hallway with a girl the other day, and I think he had his hand up her skirt!”
“That’s not even the worst of it! I saw him with a boy too!”
“Hey!” Jongin calls out, more loudly than he expected. “If you guys want to keep talking about him, why don’t you actually try and get to know him first! Do you all have nothing better to do than to make up lies about other people?”
It takes some time for everyone to realize that Taemin is standing in the doorway with a blank expression on his face. The room becomes hushed with a few whispers, and Taemin walks to the desk in front of Jongin and sits.
“They’re not wrong, you know,” Taemin says suddenly later that day. “Someone saw me in the hallway.”
“That’s your business and not theirs,” Jongin replies swiftly.
“You don’t care?” Slight disbelief pools in Taemin’s eyes.
“No. It doesn’t make you a better or worse person. You’re still my friend.”
“Don’t you ever…” Taemin hesitates.
“You’re my best friend. Believe me.”
Jongin finds it too easy to believe in Taemin. Is this an asset or a flaw?
Jongin realized it after Taemin had cried a few times. They had already been friends for a few years. When tears had fallen down the other boy’s cheeks and he had admitted his insecurities to Jongin, there was no feeling of disapproval or negativity. Rather, Jongin felt happy, important, grateful that Taemin had told him these things and exposed himself. His chest was lighter despite being full of emotions that were more than simply deep friendship.
It didn’t matter that Jongin was bad at consoling others. He didn’t have to say anything in return. That’s how they were. The most important part was that they were together, somehow.
“Tell me more about your friends,” Jongdae says. “In detail.”
“Okay… why?”
“I want to see if there’s something in common with all your friends. Personality or looks wise. Those traits might help you figure out what your type is, and then you can try to get yourself a date.”
Jongin hesitates. He didn’t have a type, but really just one person…
“Someone who can make me laugh. Someone who puts effort into what matters and never gives up. Someone..." Jongin trails off.
"Is it me, or do you already have someone in mind?"
"No," Jongin says too quickly.
Jongdae's eyes twinkle. "Whatever you say."
Jongin doesn’t think there’s one right way to fall in love. He’s sure his feelings are sincere even if he’s seventeen, but he doesn’t know if it’s okay. He wants to lean against Taemin and press light kisses against his neck, whispering that he’s beautiful, but he doesn’t know if Taemin would reciprocate. If Taemin could ever like him in this way. His thoughts murmur you’re best friends, and all Jongin can think is that he doesn’t want to lose any part of Taemin. Jongin tries to stop himself from being selfish, but he can’t sleep. He watches the sunrise, eyelids weary, and wishes that there was someone to watch it with him.
Jongin rarely has dreams that he can remember. Why, then, does he dream that it’s him with Taemin in the hallway, Taemin’s hands on his waist and his hands in Taemin’s hair? Why does he wake up sweating, panting, feeling filthy?
They lean against the wall of Taemin’s bedroom, slouching comfortably. Taemin’s hair is too long and falling into his eyes as per usual, and Jongin has given up on trying to stop staring. It’s not like Taemin seems to notice anyways. He doesn’t ever seem to realize how soft and gorgeous the curves of his face are and how streams of sunlight seem to shine out of his skin. Jongin knows Taemin’s face all too well, but he never tires of it.
“I want to go,” Taemin says suddenly.
“Where?”
“Anywhere. Don’t you?”
Jongin doesn’t answer, knowing that Taemin will talk if he wants to.
“Don’t you ever have the desire to just leave and go somewhere? To see the world?”
Jongin thinks. “Sometimes,” he admits, “but it might be lonely, to be in a completely unfamiliar place. I’d miss everyone here, and they might miss me.”
“That’s why we should go together. So it won’t feel so lonely.” Taemin’s smile is so bright that Jongin wants to take his hand and hold it between his, but he doesn’t. He doesn’t feel like he can.
This is what Jongin thinks about when he can’t fall asleep and his thoughts become tangled. He selfishly wishes that he could leave the world behind and escape with Taemin, that it would really be okay with just the two of them,
Taemin has always had a liking for taking pictures. He takes pictures of Jongin when he falls asleep and laughs at them as Jongin tries to take his phone away from him. He takes pictures of every sunset that he can to remind himself how beautiful the world can be. He keeps them all, determined to save even the ones that aren’t good, in order to document his view and provide a perspective of his reality. Jongin doesn’t quite understand this, but he can’t really think of a better way to do it himself.
The summer night is hot and sticky, so much so that Jongin sits on the wooden floor instead of lying pressed between the suffocating sheets. Jongdae lies fast asleep on half of the bed, arms curled around Jongin’s old teddy bear. A soft thumping noise sounds, and Jongin opens the door wider to let a puppy inside.
“Monggu-yah, you can’t sleep either?” Monggu headbutts Jongin’s palm in response. “You’re not alone.”
Jongin hoists the puppy into his lap. “I have a secret,” he whispers into Monggu’s ears. “I want to go to. Like Taemin. But it’s a place that might not exist, and I’m scared. If I get there, everything can only get better. If I don’t, or if I have to turn around once I get there… it might be hard to get back here.”
Jongdae sighs (sadly) in his sleep.
Taemin is shining, bright, flawed and beautiful because of it. He is human, but he is more. And Jongin, Jongin is just a boy who is too shy to follow his heart.
It wasn’t uncommon for Jongin to fall asleep in the middle of the day at school or at Taemin’s house. He was used to waking up from the loud noise of the camera shutter, which meant that Taemin was taking pictures of him again. For some time now, however, he would wake up on his own terms, his neck cracking from lying awkwardly on a wooden desk for too long. He’d sometimes catch Taemin looking at him, possibly silently willing him to wake up, but he almost felt like there was something else to it. But that was his job, staring at his best friend with little hope.
"Jongin-ah."
"Mm?"
"Are you okay?"
The slightest of pauses. "I'm okay."
"Really?" And oh, Taemin's face is much closer to his than it was a moment ago. "Because I'm not."
"What?" His breaths are stuttering. "What's wrong?"
Taemin's lips against his are so soft, so light, somehow hesitant even though it's Taemin. It's over before Jongin can kiss him back.
"I had to. This has been driving me crazy. You're driving me crazy." Taemin licks his lips as if he's nervous. "I'm sorry for not telling you sooner. I don't... I don't know if we can still be friends, but I can't hide from you any more."
Jongin stares at him, stunned that these are Taemin's thoughts. That Taemin also likes him.
“Really?”
“You idiot.” Taemin hits his arm. “Do I ever lie to you?”
"I'm sorry I wasn't brave enough to tell you first," Jongin says softly before pulling Taemin back in for another kiss. They're both more confident this time, and Taemin's hands find their way behind Jongin's neck. His breath on Jongin's lips is light, like a swallow fluttering its wings, and Jongin has never felt something so beautiful.
Jongin imagined that once he and Taemin were truly together, his near constant thoughts of Taemin would subside somewhat. If anything, they’re even stronger, as if an allowance of these thoughts of Taemin means that now everything should be about Taemin. His mother asks what he wants for dinner; he remembers the time when he and Taemin ate an entire cake in one sitting once while their parents were away and Jongin’s sisters let them do what they wanted. He goes to dance practice; he remembers the time when Taemin performed the entire choreography to Gee perfectly. He hears his sisters asking each other for their makeup; he remembers when Taemin put way too much lipstick and eyeliner on him when he was asleep and of course took pictures of it. There is always a link to Taemin. Jongin wonders if he’s being obsessive over Taemin, if he’s out of the ordinary, if there’s something wrong with him
And there’s always, always the smallest doubt within him that he’s far too attached to Taemin. There’s the possibility that one day, Taemin would realize that Jongin really wasn’t all that special and not worthy of spending so much time with. He’s worried that one day Taemin will run away like he’s always wished to and he’ll leave Jongin behind, broken as he falls into nothing.
“Hyung?”
“Mm, Jongin?”
Jongin sits down on Jongdae’s bed. “Have you ever felt scared that Kyungsoo will leave you?”
“Hmm,” Jongdae says while frowning slightly. “I think there’s always a little bit of insecurity in us that makes us fear that others find us incompetent. But if you really like the person, there’s some trust involved. I trust Kyungsoo enough that I don’t think he would break up with me suddenly. There would have to be a good reason.” He pauses. “So I have felt scared, but it doesn’t bother me too much. But why are you asking? Do you by chance have someone now too?”
“No,” Jongin says after a moment of hesitation. He wants to keep to himself for now, just as a happy secret.
“Remember, I’m always here for you, Jonginnie,” Jongdae says with a smile. Jongin can’t help but feel at least a little better.
Jongin’s phone rings, making him jump from the sudden noise. It’s 11 PM and Taemin’s calling, which is unusual at this time of night.
“Taemin-ah, what’s up?”
“Jongin-ah…” Taemin’s voice sounds strange. “Do you know the band Nell?”
“Of course,” Jongin says puzzledly. “We listen to them together all the time. Are you okay? Why does your voice sound strange.”
“Mom and Dad aren’t home, so they won’t know if a little bit of their beer is gone. I wasn’t that bad, I promise.”
“Anyways, what about Nell?” Jongin tries to steer the conversation away from something more dangerous.
“Their song Separation Anxiety. Do you know it?” Taemin laughs, but it sounds crackly, maybe broken, over the phone line. He starts singing, his slurred tongue struggling somewhat with the pronunciation. “♪ It’s hard being me/ I’m broken, I know ♪ “
“♪ But it’d be wonderful if you still wanted me ♪” Jongin continues for him. “♪ If only I could be patched up / I’d be rather beautiful / So please, don’t give up on me. ♪”
“Alright, so you know the lyrics too,” Taemin laughs. “But do you really know them, Jongin-ah? Do you feel them in your bones? Do you know what I think of every night when I go to sleep?”
“Taemin-ah, don’t do anything. Don’t move. I’m coming over,” Jongin hurries, and he hangs up the phone.
He gives his mother a weak excuse that he needs to buy more paper for school at the convenience store, feeling slightly guilty, and nearly runs the whole way to the Lees’ apartment.
Taemin opens the door with a lopsided grin and walks slowly to his bedroom, Jongin following him.
They sit in silence for a few minutes. Then, “Why are you here?” Taemin asks sharply. “To tell me how pathetic I am? I already know that. Nobody who respects themselves would have called you on the phone like that.”
“No,” Jongin says fiercely. “Listen.” He pulls out his phone and selects another song. Nell again, Afterglow.
Taemin curls on himself, and Jongin wraps his arms around Taemin’s shoulders. “Just listen.”
♪ Hold onto me tightly and never let me go, like oxygen, you are necessary....
I treasure you so much I can’t put it into words, and I think of you constantly…
How hard it was to protect you, how precious you were...
please, together♪
Taemin starts crying silently, and Jongin does too. They stay together, falling asleep some time during the early morning when the moon still watches over the city.
This is them. This is good, good enough.
“So how long have you and Taemin been a thing now?” Jongdae says out of nowhere one day.
“What?” Jongin splutters. “How did you find out?”
“Please,” Jongdae replies. “You smile a lot more now, so you probably found yourself a guy. And judging by the number of times your phone goes off with that ‘Pretty Boy’ ringtone, it’s probably Taemin. Or, if you’re out? You’re with Taemin. Simple deduction. You guys were always too close anyways.”
Jongin’s face goes red, but he doesn’t stop himself from smiling.
so don't give up on me, I beg of you
Sleep is evasive. In the static heat of summer nights and the numbness of dark winter, Jongin gazes at the ceiling in hopes of finding the answers to his growing list of questions. He never does. Instead, an uncomfortable coldness blankets him until his back is soaked in nervous sweat. He grips the sheets until his fingertips start to lose sensation, but his mind still races. Even music can’t completely distract him from the thoughts swirling in his head. He lies there, exhausted but not sleepy, until day breaks and his eyelids finally drop.
A pillow hits his head, making him open his eyes reluctantly. Jongdae lightly frowns down at him. “Aren’t you excited that your older brother is finally home from university?”
“Oh. Hi.”
“Get up. It’s nearly noon and we’re going out to lunch.”
“Just the two of us?”
“No, Kyungsoo’s coming too.” Jongdae beams.
Jongin thinks of the many Instagram pictures Jongdae had posted of Kyungsoo: large, slightly frightening eyes boring into the camera; a reluctant V sign pressed up against his cheek; a heart-shaped smile that seemed rare. Jongin had yet to meet him in person.
“What does our Jonginnie want to eat? Chicken, isn’t it?”
“Of course,” Jongin mumbles with an inaudible sigh. His head is beginning to swirl again.
Jongdae immediately links his fingers with Kyungsoo’s when they meet at the restaurant. Kyungsoo nods politely at Jongin, but Jongin is still uneasy about the look in his eyes, as if he were scrutinizing Jongin’s every aspect.
Their fried chicken arrives steaming and Jongin doesn’t hesitate to dig in.
As Kyungsoo cuts his chicken up neatly with a fork and knife, he asks a question. “Jongin, are you dating anyone?”
The chicken in his throat gets stuck and Jongin coughs as he tries to answer no.
“Ah, you’ve been wasting away without me!” Jongdae says. “Now that Kyungsoo and I are back, we can help you.” He winks somewhat obnoxiously and grins. Kyungsoo does not seem overly enthusiastic to this suggestion.
“Give me your phone,” Jongdae interjects seriously. Jongin pulls it out of his pocket, confused, and Jongdae snatches it from his hand.
“Aha! Our Jonginnie is so gullible sometimes. So innocent. See, Kyungsoo, his phone passcode is still 1111.”
“What are you doing,” Jongin frowns. Jongdae usually has a reason for doing things and is generally trustworthy, but often Jongin doesn’t understand him.
“Looking at your contacts so I can find you a suitable date,” Jongdae says, scrolling furiously with his thumbs.
“Hey!” Jongin leans across the table and takes his phone back, hastily wiping the chicken grease off of it. “Don’t invade my privacy.”
Jongdae waves his hand dismissively. “Fine, fine. I’m just trying to help, you know. You seem to be moping around more than usual. I just think having a girlfriend would help. Or boyfriend.”
“Whatever.”
A knock on his door. Jongdae lets himself in before Jongin can say anything.
“Are you really okay, Jongin?”
Jongdae always knows when he’s lying. Jongin is a terrible liar. “Not really.”
“You haven’t replied properly to my texts recently. Too short, not often enough. Is something going on? Tell me anything you want to.”
A raincloud floats over Jongin and begins to drizzle until he’s lightly coated in cold. He waits, and so does Jongdae. “I’m kind of busy. I think a lot.”
“Do you want to tell me about it?”
“Not yet.”
Jongdae smiles, maybe a bit sadly. “Okay.”
“Jongin? Are you awake?” Jongdae whispers.
Jongin hesitates, then replies, “Yes.”
“Can I sleep here tonight? I’ve missed you.”
Jongin rolls over on his bed to make room. Jongdae stumbles over and wraps himself in the blankets. Soon the room fills with Jongdae’s deep breathing, and Jongin’s swirling thoughts seem to calm themselves somewhat. A rustle of the sheets, a soft sigh (from whom it’s not clear), and Jongdae’s arm falls over Jongin’s stomach.
For once, Jongin lets his guard down and falls asleep while it’s still dark. When he wakes up without Jongdae there, his chest feels slightly heavier.
Messages
Taemin
Let’s hang out today.
The shadow floats just above the ground.
It was in middle school that they met. Jongin had stayed at his desk to eat lunch and a boy with long, tousled hair and a smile sat down in the empty desk in front of him.
Jongin doesn’t remember much about beginnings. All he knows is that Taemin appeared one day and he never left.
Beginnings are never as important as the ends.
Jongin is terrified of the end.
“So,” Jongdae says as he sits down on Jongin’s bed. “I’m not being annoying, am I? I really am just trying to help. I really think you’d like it if you had a lover.”
“Boyfriend,” Jongin corrects as he strokes Monggu’s ears. The word “lover” is too strong for him right now.
“We’re in the same boat then,” Jongdae smiles warmly and lightly punches Jongin’s arm. “So you’re okay with this, right?”
“Yeah.”
Jongin waits until Jongdae leaves the room. “Monggu-ya. Am I being selfish? For wanting someone else to distract me? To help me get over my existing feelings?”
Monggu stares back at him and whines quietly.
“I don’t want to lose a friendship, Monggu-ya. This one-sidedness can’t hide itself forever. I don’t think I’m strong enough.”
Jongdae sighs quietly on the other side of the door so that Jongin can’t hear him.
The times when they shared kimbap at lunch. The times when they stayed up until sunrise playing video games and Taemin’s face was so awestruck by the colors of the clouds that Jongin’s heart rose. The time that Taemin cried to Jongin that he had spent all of his monthly allowance in two days and that everything was his fault.
Every time that euphoria and misery injected themselves in Jongin’s veins.
“Don’t you think Taemin is strange? He looks like a girl and it weirds me out.”
“He looks different from last year. I bet he got surgery.”
“I saw him in the hallway with a girl the other day, and I think he had his hand up her skirt!”
“That’s not even the worst of it! I saw him with a boy too!”
“Hey!” Jongin calls out, more loudly than he expected. “If you guys want to keep talking about him, why don’t you actually try and get to know him first! Do you all have nothing better to do than to make up lies about other people?”
It takes some time for everyone to realize that Taemin is standing in the doorway with a blank expression on his face. The room becomes hushed with a few whispers, and Taemin walks to the desk in front of Jongin and sits.
“They’re not wrong, you know,” Taemin says suddenly later that day. “Someone saw me in the hallway.”
“That’s your business and not theirs,” Jongin replies swiftly.
“You don’t care?” Slight disbelief pools in Taemin’s eyes.
“No. It doesn’t make you a better or worse person. You’re still my friend.”
“Don’t you ever…” Taemin hesitates.
“You’re my best friend. Believe me.”
Jongin finds it too easy to believe in Taemin. Is this an asset or a flaw?
Jongin realized it after Taemin had cried a few times. They had already been friends for a few years. When tears had fallen down the other boy’s cheeks and he had admitted his insecurities to Jongin, there was no feeling of disapproval or negativity. Rather, Jongin felt happy, important, grateful that Taemin had told him these things and exposed himself. His chest was lighter despite being full of emotions that were more than simply deep friendship.
It didn’t matter that Jongin was bad at consoling others. He didn’t have to say anything in return. That’s how they were. The most important part was that they were together, somehow.
“Tell me more about your friends,” Jongdae says. “In detail.”
“Okay… why?”
“I want to see if there’s something in common with all your friends. Personality or looks wise. Those traits might help you figure out what your type is, and then you can try to get yourself a date.”
Jongin hesitates. He didn’t have a type, but really just one person…
“Someone who can make me laugh. Someone who puts effort into what matters and never gives up. Someone..." Jongin trails off.
"Is it me, or do you already have someone in mind?"
"No," Jongin says too quickly.
Jongdae's eyes twinkle. "Whatever you say."
Jongin doesn’t think there’s one right way to fall in love. He’s sure his feelings are sincere even if he’s seventeen, but he doesn’t know if it’s okay. He wants to lean against Taemin and press light kisses against his neck, whispering that he’s beautiful, but he doesn’t know if Taemin would reciprocate. If Taemin could ever like him in this way. His thoughts murmur you’re best friends, and all Jongin can think is that he doesn’t want to lose any part of Taemin. Jongin tries to stop himself from being selfish, but he can’t sleep. He watches the sunrise, eyelids weary, and wishes that there was someone to watch it with him.
Jongin rarely has dreams that he can remember. Why, then, does he dream that it’s him with Taemin in the hallway, Taemin’s hands on his waist and his hands in Taemin’s hair? Why does he wake up sweating, panting, feeling filthy?
They lean against the wall of Taemin’s bedroom, slouching comfortably. Taemin’s hair is too long and falling into his eyes as per usual, and Jongin has given up on trying to stop staring. It’s not like Taemin seems to notice anyways. He doesn’t ever seem to realize how soft and gorgeous the curves of his face are and how streams of sunlight seem to shine out of his skin. Jongin knows Taemin’s face all too well, but he never tires of it.
“I want to go,” Taemin says suddenly.
“Where?”
“Anywhere. Don’t you?”
Jongin doesn’t answer, knowing that Taemin will talk if he wants to.
“Don’t you ever have the desire to just leave and go somewhere? To see the world?”
Jongin thinks. “Sometimes,” he admits, “but it might be lonely, to be in a completely unfamiliar place. I’d miss everyone here, and they might miss me.”
“That’s why we should go together. So it won’t feel so lonely.” Taemin’s smile is so bright that Jongin wants to take his hand and hold it between his, but he doesn’t. He doesn’t feel like he can.
This is what Jongin thinks about when he can’t fall asleep and his thoughts become tangled. He selfishly wishes that he could leave the world behind and escape with Taemin, that it would really be okay with just the two of them,
Taemin has always had a liking for taking pictures. He takes pictures of Jongin when he falls asleep and laughs at them as Jongin tries to take his phone away from him. He takes pictures of every sunset that he can to remind himself how beautiful the world can be. He keeps them all, determined to save even the ones that aren’t good, in order to document his view and provide a perspective of his reality. Jongin doesn’t quite understand this, but he can’t really think of a better way to do it himself.
The summer night is hot and sticky, so much so that Jongin sits on the wooden floor instead of lying pressed between the suffocating sheets. Jongdae lies fast asleep on half of the bed, arms curled around Jongin’s old teddy bear. A soft thumping noise sounds, and Jongin opens the door wider to let a puppy inside.
“Monggu-yah, you can’t sleep either?” Monggu headbutts Jongin’s palm in response. “You’re not alone.”
Jongin hoists the puppy into his lap. “I have a secret,” he whispers into Monggu’s ears. “I want to go to. Like Taemin. But it’s a place that might not exist, and I’m scared. If I get there, everything can only get better. If I don’t, or if I have to turn around once I get there… it might be hard to get back here.”
Jongdae sighs (sadly) in his sleep.
Taemin is shining, bright, flawed and beautiful because of it. He is human, but he is more. And Jongin, Jongin is just a boy who is too shy to follow his heart.
It wasn’t uncommon for Jongin to fall asleep in the middle of the day at school or at Taemin’s house. He was used to waking up from the loud noise of the camera shutter, which meant that Taemin was taking pictures of him again. For some time now, however, he would wake up on his own terms, his neck cracking from lying awkwardly on a wooden desk for too long. He’d sometimes catch Taemin looking at him, possibly silently willing him to wake up, but he almost felt like there was something else to it. But that was his job, staring at his best friend with little hope.
"Jongin-ah."
"Mm?"
"Are you okay?"
The slightest of pauses. "I'm okay."
"Really?" And oh, Taemin's face is much closer to his than it was a moment ago. "Because I'm not."
"What?" His breaths are stuttering. "What's wrong?"
Taemin's lips against his are so soft, so light, somehow hesitant even though it's Taemin. It's over before Jongin can kiss him back.
"I had to. This has been driving me crazy. You're driving me crazy." Taemin licks his lips as if he's nervous. "I'm sorry for not telling you sooner. I don't... I don't know if we can still be friends, but I can't hide from you any more."
Jongin stares at him, stunned that these are Taemin's thoughts. That Taemin also likes him.
“Really?”
“You idiot.” Taemin hits his arm. “Do I ever lie to you?”
"I'm sorry I wasn't brave enough to tell you first," Jongin says softly before pulling Taemin back in for another kiss. They're both more confident this time, and Taemin's hands find their way behind Jongin's neck. His breath on Jongin's lips is light, like a swallow fluttering its wings, and Jongin has never felt something so beautiful.
Jongin imagined that once he and Taemin were truly together, his near constant thoughts of Taemin would subside somewhat. If anything, they’re even stronger, as if an allowance of these thoughts of Taemin means that now everything should be about Taemin. His mother asks what he wants for dinner; he remembers the time when he and Taemin ate an entire cake in one sitting once while their parents were away and Jongin’s sisters let them do what they wanted. He goes to dance practice; he remembers the time when Taemin performed the entire choreography to Gee perfectly. He hears his sisters asking each other for their makeup; he remembers when Taemin put way too much lipstick and eyeliner on him when he was asleep and of course took pictures of it. There is always a link to Taemin. Jongin wonders if he’s being obsessive over Taemin, if he’s out of the ordinary, if there’s something wrong with him
And there’s always, always the smallest doubt within him that he’s far too attached to Taemin. There’s the possibility that one day, Taemin would realize that Jongin really wasn’t all that special and not worthy of spending so much time with. He’s worried that one day Taemin will run away like he’s always wished to and he’ll leave Jongin behind, broken as he falls into nothing.
“Hyung?”
“Mm, Jongin?”
Jongin sits down on Jongdae’s bed. “Have you ever felt scared that Kyungsoo will leave you?”
“Hmm,” Jongdae says while frowning slightly. “I think there’s always a little bit of insecurity in us that makes us fear that others find us incompetent. But if you really like the person, there’s some trust involved. I trust Kyungsoo enough that I don’t think he would break up with me suddenly. There would have to be a good reason.” He pauses. “So I have felt scared, but it doesn’t bother me too much. But why are you asking? Do you by chance have someone now too?”
“No,” Jongin says after a moment of hesitation. He wants to keep to himself for now, just as a happy secret.
“Remember, I’m always here for you, Jonginnie,” Jongdae says with a smile. Jongin can’t help but feel at least a little better.
Jongin’s phone rings, making him jump from the sudden noise. It’s 11 PM and Taemin’s calling, which is unusual at this time of night.
“Taemin-ah, what’s up?”
“Jongin-ah…” Taemin’s voice sounds strange. “Do you know the band Nell?”
“Of course,” Jongin says puzzledly. “We listen to them together all the time. Are you okay? Why does your voice sound strange.”
“Mom and Dad aren’t home, so they won’t know if a little bit of their beer is gone. I wasn’t that bad, I promise.”
“Anyways, what about Nell?” Jongin tries to steer the conversation away from something more dangerous.
“Their song Separation Anxiety. Do you know it?” Taemin laughs, but it sounds crackly, maybe broken, over the phone line. He starts singing, his slurred tongue struggling somewhat with the pronunciation. “♪ It’s hard being me/ I’m broken, I know ♪ “
“♪ But it’d be wonderful if you still wanted me ♪” Jongin continues for him. “♪ If only I could be patched up / I’d be rather beautiful / So please, don’t give up on me. ♪”
“Alright, so you know the lyrics too,” Taemin laughs. “But do you really know them, Jongin-ah? Do you feel them in your bones? Do you know what I think of every night when I go to sleep?”
“Taemin-ah, don’t do anything. Don’t move. I’m coming over,” Jongin hurries, and he hangs up the phone.
He gives his mother a weak excuse that he needs to buy more paper for school at the convenience store, feeling slightly guilty, and nearly runs the whole way to the Lees’ apartment.
Taemin opens the door with a lopsided grin and walks slowly to his bedroom, Jongin following him.
They sit in silence for a few minutes. Then, “Why are you here?” Taemin asks sharply. “To tell me how pathetic I am? I already know that. Nobody who respects themselves would have called you on the phone like that.”
“No,” Jongin says fiercely. “Listen.” He pulls out his phone and selects another song. Nell again, Afterglow.
Taemin curls on himself, and Jongin wraps his arms around Taemin’s shoulders. “Just listen.”
♪ Hold onto me tightly and never let me go, like oxygen, you are necessary....
I treasure you so much I can’t put it into words, and I think of you constantly…
How hard it was to protect you, how precious you were...
please, together♪
Taemin starts crying silently, and Jongin does too. They stay together, falling asleep some time during the early morning when the moon still watches over the city.
This is them. This is good, good enough.
“So how long have you and Taemin been a thing now?” Jongdae says out of nowhere one day.
“What?” Jongin splutters. “How did you find out?”
“Please,” Jongdae replies. “You smile a lot more now, so you probably found yourself a guy. And judging by the number of times your phone goes off with that ‘Pretty Boy’ ringtone, it’s probably Taemin. Or, if you’re out? You’re with Taemin. Simple deduction. You guys were always too close anyways.”
Jongin’s face goes red, but he doesn’t stop himself from smiling.