Midnight Sun--First sight, part 2
Been a while. We left off the story with Edward discovering he can't read Ducky's thoughts-- not that he wants to --- oh, but he must for his family's safety-- she seems so shallow anyway-- her eyes are deep though-- is this sounding insane? Now the continuation of that!
Edward heads to Biology class while insulting the teacher:
It was doubtful Mr. Banner, a man of no more than average intellect, would manage to pull out anything in his lecture that would surprise someone holding two graduate degrees in medicine.
Yes, Edward, you are such a genius. Let us count the ways:
1) In Twilight you wanted to run away from 3 vampires when you are part of a family of seven and “came up” with a plan that was way too complicated and separated your forces. And for what? You guys still fought with him at the end.
2) In New Moon you went away to die by sparkles without even stopping at Bella’s funeral.
3) In Eclipse you couldn’t figure out it was Victoria behind it.
4) In Breaking Dawn you decided the best way to convince your wife to abort was to pimp her off behind her back.
So please continue to demean the teacher. You obviously posses a higher intellect. And I'm sure I'm missing idiot moments.
Ducky walks in with Angela, who lets us know that Ducky is just shy and wonderful, and sits with Edward. The guy starts going on about how he’ll use the proximity to read her thoughts, which surely will suck, because dammit, how dare she have privacy!
We then have fan scene and Edward jizzes in his pants and wants to crack Ducky open on the lab table. The narration goes into noir mode and everything. I just rolled my eyes at it since I already know nothing happens and he’s still pompous and annoying.
Apparently even Edward’s constipated look is super hot since Ducky blushes looking at him. This makes him more constipated and she blushes more. Horrible cycle we’re in folks.
Edward starts planning how best to drink Ducky Colada and destroy the evidence. By the destroying the evidence I mean kill everyone in under a minute to hide the fact he drank Ducky dry. He does so in incredible detail (Our hero ladies and gentlemen).
Funny thing about that, more murder would just make you look guiltier. People are bound to notice a classroom full of dead people except for you and your bloody mouth. The least you could do is to wait for Ducky to be alone and then kill her. Don’t you dare call Mr. Banner stupid when you come up with plans like this!
After pages of wanting to paint the classroom red, Edward remembers Carlisle and comes to the conclusion the good doctor will forgive him, but decides that the murder of a whole classroom might be a bad idea. Again, our hero! His conscience lies with the doctor. He’s worst than James! At least James was honest with himself.
Instead he starts wondering “Why me? Why is she here?” and a series of wah, wah, wah that reminds me of my sister when she was a baby. Our dark killer of the night is a bit of a whiny bitch. He moves to complain about she smells and decides to stop breathing since vampires don’t need to. ... ... ... You’re an idiot.
No, don’t try to justify yourself saying she’s just that tasty and this is uncomfortable. So much for good vampire! You just complained for pages and wasted time when this should have been your first reaction to the smell. That and mentally sing the macarena to forget everything. Besides, if this is the hardest thing you’ve done (not breath for an hour when you don’t need to) then I have to say you’re a wimp, sir.
He goes on and on about how he’ll kill her later when she’s alone (finally he makes a bit of sense). He’s going to wait until Ducky is alone in her kitchen and bite her and he describes it in loving detail. Done right it’s a good plan. He can make it seem like a break in and kidnapping and sup her in peace somewhere else.
I know I sound horrible by agreeing with him instead of calling him a two face jerk (which he is) for having no qualms about eating this girl. Still, I didn’t really blink when Lestat or Spike ate people so I figured I could cut Edward that much slack, even if Meyer goes on and on about how wonderful he is. What pisses me off more is he putting himself up in this pedestal of genius before he proceeds to be very stupid.
Bell rings, finally!, and Edward hides in his car moping. Truly he is a mature man among teenagers! He’s even hearing music as a way to heal his tormented soul. XD
Edward bitches about Alice and her not seeing anything. (Dude, Alice never sees anything unless it’s convenient to the plot). He eventually decides to avoid Ducky by changing classes.
Edward heads to the office and dazzles the secretary into submission and it is kinda icky. Picture Robert Pattison seducing your mom. She may be pretty (I know mine is) but there’s still something gross about it. Meyer is not even sensitive about it either, making the secretary wet her panties as a 13 year old girl with being described with a bad perm and thick glasses (because every grown woman is old and ugly).
Ducky then shows up and Edward run away looking like a kid shouting “Potty emergency”. This is what Ducky finds hot? Vampire or not running around like a rabid chihuahua is not sexy. I may be asexual, but I know that much. Even so, I have to say this is giving me nice mental pictures.
Edward meets up with his family and I have to high five Emmet for at least knowing what fun is (in this case rematch with Jasper). Edward gets the wheel (because he is totally in the right mindset to drive 70 miles per hour) and everyone wonders what’s up with him. Alice checks his future, because that’s cooler than talking to him I guess. Alice then declares he’s leaving and Edward then goes back to thinking of Ducky. Then she sees him killing Ducky and that’s why Edward will run away.
The family gets down, leaving Edward alone to go back to Forks. We end this chapter wondering if he will eat Ducky with some sweet and sour sauce on top or leave this forsaken place. Well, seeing as we already know from Twilight he won’t eat her, we already know the answer of that. Hey, at least we’ll see something different next chapter.
I do love that Jasper, Emmet and Rosalie say nothing about the little tidbits they get from Alice. Sure, Edward say they are apprehensive, but I bet they are thinking “So, are we getting rid of the pompous, arrogant asshole? Dibs on his room” You know they’re fighting on their way back because Emmet and Jasper want a game room, Rosalie wants a powder room and Alice is appalled... while suggesting to Rosalie that they turn it into the world’s biggest walking closet with a mirror shiny enough to entertain Rose for hours.
I have a positive for this chapter folks: crazy Edward. It totally canons Musical-Edward. It gave me the biggest set of giggles. It would have been so glorious if Edward ran to the boy’s bathroom and shouted “I’m not a monster” at his reflection. The only problems with it is that:
1) Edward is said to be civil, perfect, selfless and wonderful for four books. Even the beginning of this chapter was about how great Edward Cullen is and how you suck for not being him without being ironic. That amount of over Stueness without being satirical dampers this scene for me.
2) This is almost word for word from Twilight, so we are constantly reminded of what’s going to happen. I get the feeling it would have been better to start years before meeting Ducky and then eventually move on from there. Or at least shows us a day without Ducky in the life of Edward Cullen.
3) He acts like an idiot most of the time, yet he doesn’t realize he does. What tells him the “kill everyone” is a bad idea? Carlisle. What tells him simply eating Ducky in her kitchen is a bad idea? Carlisle and Chief Swan (as a father, not a policeman). He doesn’t think things through, yet he goes on about how smart he is. IF he had at least realized that there are things he can’t “outthink” of and that in the end he can be as vulnerable as anybody I would have like it better, but he doesn’t.
Maybe Meyer should consider writing a novel apart from Twilight with an intentional crazy character and no love at first smell. Some of Edward’s psychosis did have some potential.
Edward heads to Biology class while insulting the teacher:
It was doubtful Mr. Banner, a man of no more than average intellect, would manage to pull out anything in his lecture that would surprise someone holding two graduate degrees in medicine.
Yes, Edward, you are such a genius. Let us count the ways:
1) In Twilight you wanted to run away from 3 vampires when you are part of a family of seven and “came up” with a plan that was way too complicated and separated your forces. And for what? You guys still fought with him at the end.
2) In New Moon you went away to die by sparkles without even stopping at Bella’s funeral.
3) In Eclipse you couldn’t figure out it was Victoria behind it.
4) In Breaking Dawn you decided the best way to convince your wife to abort was to pimp her off behind her back.
So please continue to demean the teacher. You obviously posses a higher intellect. And I'm sure I'm missing idiot moments.
Ducky walks in with Angela, who lets us know that Ducky is just shy and wonderful, and sits with Edward. The guy starts going on about how he’ll use the proximity to read her thoughts, which surely will suck, because dammit, how dare she have privacy!
We then have fan scene and Edward jizzes in his pants and wants to crack Ducky open on the lab table. The narration goes into noir mode and everything. I just rolled my eyes at it since I already know nothing happens and he’s still pompous and annoying.
Apparently even Edward’s constipated look is super hot since Ducky blushes looking at him. This makes him more constipated and she blushes more. Horrible cycle we’re in folks.
Edward starts planning how best to drink Ducky Colada and destroy the evidence. By the destroying the evidence I mean kill everyone in under a minute to hide the fact he drank Ducky dry. He does so in incredible detail (Our hero ladies and gentlemen).
Funny thing about that, more murder would just make you look guiltier. People are bound to notice a classroom full of dead people except for you and your bloody mouth. The least you could do is to wait for Ducky to be alone and then kill her. Don’t you dare call Mr. Banner stupid when you come up with plans like this!
After pages of wanting to paint the classroom red, Edward remembers Carlisle and comes to the conclusion the good doctor will forgive him, but decides that the murder of a whole classroom might be a bad idea. Again, our hero! His conscience lies with the doctor. He’s worst than James! At least James was honest with himself.
Instead he starts wondering “Why me? Why is she here?” and a series of wah, wah, wah that reminds me of my sister when she was a baby. Our dark killer of the night is a bit of a whiny bitch. He moves to complain about she smells and decides to stop breathing since vampires don’t need to. ... ... ... You’re an idiot.
No, don’t try to justify yourself saying she’s just that tasty and this is uncomfortable. So much for good vampire! You just complained for pages and wasted time when this should have been your first reaction to the smell. That and mentally sing the macarena to forget everything. Besides, if this is the hardest thing you’ve done (not breath for an hour when you don’t need to) then I have to say you’re a wimp, sir.
He goes on and on about how he’ll kill her later when she’s alone (finally he makes a bit of sense). He’s going to wait until Ducky is alone in her kitchen and bite her and he describes it in loving detail. Done right it’s a good plan. He can make it seem like a break in and kidnapping and sup her in peace somewhere else.
I know I sound horrible by agreeing with him instead of calling him a two face jerk (which he is) for having no qualms about eating this girl. Still, I didn’t really blink when Lestat or Spike ate people so I figured I could cut Edward that much slack, even if Meyer goes on and on about how wonderful he is. What pisses me off more is he putting himself up in this pedestal of genius before he proceeds to be very stupid.
Bell rings, finally!, and Edward hides in his car moping. Truly he is a mature man among teenagers! He’s even hearing music as a way to heal his tormented soul. XD
Edward bitches about Alice and her not seeing anything. (Dude, Alice never sees anything unless it’s convenient to the plot). He eventually decides to avoid Ducky by changing classes.
Edward heads to the office and dazzles the secretary into submission and it is kinda icky. Picture Robert Pattison seducing your mom. She may be pretty (I know mine is) but there’s still something gross about it. Meyer is not even sensitive about it either, making the secretary wet her panties as a 13 year old girl with being described with a bad perm and thick glasses (because every grown woman is old and ugly).
Ducky then shows up and Edward run away looking like a kid shouting “Potty emergency”. This is what Ducky finds hot? Vampire or not running around like a rabid chihuahua is not sexy. I may be asexual, but I know that much. Even so, I have to say this is giving me nice mental pictures.
Edward meets up with his family and I have to high five Emmet for at least knowing what fun is (in this case rematch with Jasper). Edward gets the wheel (because he is totally in the right mindset to drive 70 miles per hour) and everyone wonders what’s up with him. Alice checks his future, because that’s cooler than talking to him I guess. Alice then declares he’s leaving and Edward then goes back to thinking of Ducky. Then she sees him killing Ducky and that’s why Edward will run away.
The family gets down, leaving Edward alone to go back to Forks. We end this chapter wondering if he will eat Ducky with some sweet and sour sauce on top or leave this forsaken place. Well, seeing as we already know from Twilight he won’t eat her, we already know the answer of that. Hey, at least we’ll see something different next chapter.
I do love that Jasper, Emmet and Rosalie say nothing about the little tidbits they get from Alice. Sure, Edward say they are apprehensive, but I bet they are thinking “So, are we getting rid of the pompous, arrogant asshole? Dibs on his room” You know they’re fighting on their way back because Emmet and Jasper want a game room, Rosalie wants a powder room and Alice is appalled... while suggesting to Rosalie that they turn it into the world’s biggest walking closet with a mirror shiny enough to entertain Rose for hours.
I have a positive for this chapter folks: crazy Edward. It totally canons Musical-Edward. It gave me the biggest set of giggles. It would have been so glorious if Edward ran to the boy’s bathroom and shouted “I’m not a monster” at his reflection. The only problems with it is that:
1) Edward is said to be civil, perfect, selfless and wonderful for four books. Even the beginning of this chapter was about how great Edward Cullen is and how you suck for not being him without being ironic. That amount of over Stueness without being satirical dampers this scene for me.
2) This is almost word for word from Twilight, so we are constantly reminded of what’s going to happen. I get the feeling it would have been better to start years before meeting Ducky and then eventually move on from there. Or at least shows us a day without Ducky in the life of Edward Cullen.
3) He acts like an idiot most of the time, yet he doesn’t realize he does. What tells him the “kill everyone” is a bad idea? Carlisle. What tells him simply eating Ducky in her kitchen is a bad idea? Carlisle and Chief Swan (as a father, not a policeman). He doesn’t think things through, yet he goes on about how smart he is. IF he had at least realized that there are things he can’t “outthink” of and that in the end he can be as vulnerable as anybody I would have like it better, but he doesn’t.
Maybe Meyer should consider writing a novel apart from Twilight with an intentional crazy character and no love at first smell. Some of Edward’s psychosis did have some potential.