The Game Shadow of the Colossus Gave Me Permission to Cry...
...or how I felt feelings while playing a game that I am almost halfway done with.
So not too long ago, Roger Ebert had this essay talking about how video games is not art and how people can't really be moved to emotion to the level of the classic paintings and such. All this while not playing games more complicated than Angry Birds, probably. He is an avowed "I don't play those things" type. No amount of evidence will convince him of the error of his ways and that's fine. Stupid happens in even people you generally respect. Except me. Never me. (Perhaps me.)
All that to say this: Shadow of the Colossus makes me want to cry every time I play it. And not because of how hard it is. Oh no. This is legitimate "something is in my eye and my heart feels funny, maybe I'm having a heart attack and hay fever is happening to me" feelings. Some times people get so desensitized to games. The violence. The spectacle. The story and tire conventions. Nothing is there to stimulate you beyond "Ha! Here is a MacGuffin and a puzzle and also a PRINCESS IS HERE AND SHE TOTES WANTS YOU!"
But Shadow of the Colossus is different. To my lj friends that don't know what this game is, it's about a guy going to a temple in some ancient land because his beloved has died. He wants her returned to him. That's fair. So far, so the same thing as everything else. You have the task of killing colossi, which are huge creatures. The game play is so fantastic. You have to find a way to climb on these giant structures to weak spots and stab. There are no mini battles or fighting your way to the colossus. It's just go there on your horse and kill it. The concept is easy. Execution? Not so much. So far, everything is still the same ol', same ol'. That is UNTIL you actually finish killing one of these creatures.
Getting onto the creature and the battle with it is so exhilarating! You feel like you are on a giant that is trying to shake you off it by tossing it's body and head around. You see it and it dwarfs you onscreen. There colossus looks like it has vegetation on it. It's ponderous (some are fast). There are ones that fly, ones that swim, have four limbs, or are two-legged with a weapon. It's truly fun, though I did get frustrated in parts because "Holy cow! These things are huge and I don't want to stand in front of it, quick hand-eye coordination! Hand-eye coordinate! Reflexes work! Brain stop stalling out! Horse, get the fuck outta my way!" but then throughout it all is "This is SO DAMNED AWESOME NEVER LET IT STOP BECAUSE HOLY COW THIS IS AWESOME!!!!!" The music is delightfully epic. You feel like you are in a battle and the music is saying "By Jove, win! WIN! I'm rooting for you!" The use of brass and the orchestra is fantastic. I feel like I'm on the back of something flying, or something swimming, or a huge minotaur in a temple beneath the surface.
So all of that is happening all over my fight or flight, tv screen, awareness and then I beat it. There it is. I WON! I PWND that giant creature! Who's laughing now giant colossus?! MWAHAHA! Wait. What's this? The colossus' bright eyes are fading? It's black blood is spraying? Now it is crumpling to the ground/falling to the earth or lake/sinking in the water? There's music playing? But it's sad! This is not triumphant music of a victory! Games have conditioned me to expect that. Instead, I get sad cords drifting into my awareness as this beautiful creature is in its death throes. I had noticed the colossus. I had noticed it's size and scope and I even thought it beautifully rendered. But in its death? The developers lovingly panned over the colossus. The camera caressed the age and magnificence. It panned over your surroundings and said "Look what you've done. You killed it." It lingered ever so gently as the light faded in the colossus' eyes. Then, it settled over the great, fallen form of this colossus.
And then you start to think: was this a guardian of some kind? An actual creature? Some kind of ancient god? The player doesn't know if these creatures at one point terrorized people. We know it doesn't now because no one goes to the ancient lands. No villages were seen throughout this map. It is a desolate, beautiful, serene place; full of majestic structures that have seen better days. Even though these are now ruins, you could see that maybe someone loved these places.
Wait.
...
What?
I really haven't felt that in a game. Don't get me wrong, there are games with sad endings or tragic ones, but you're still the good guy...unless you choose to be the bad guy, but even that isn't emotional any more. It's gimmick. This was something new. I, the gamer, genuinely felt bad. The music totally gave me permission to cry. See, you, the player, aren't a bad guy. You're a bit naive, definitely foolish, but you are not bad. You just want your love back. So after the visual of this creature is done dying all over your screen and making you feel like the worst, black tendrils come out, clearly corrupting you, at the end. Then you are back at the temple where you first learned of your quest and a shadow is standing around you. More shadows gather as you kill colossi. But ya know what? That's actually whatevs for me because the strange, echo-y, multi-voiced spirit from the heavens told me there was a price. You can think of a million prices for such a bargain struck, but I never thought one of those would be feeling bad about accomplishing the mission of the game.
Games don't make you feel guilty like that. Job well done, Shadow of the Colossus Developers! Job well done! You made me experience something in a game and I'm not even finished with it. There is a dread of playing, but I can't not play because it's fun and I must know the ending. Not for completion sake, but because I am real and truly hooked.
Also, thanks for the music that gives me permission to cry. I didn't make me feel better about myself, but it did let me feel my feelings and that is what matters.