Fat is a state of mind...?
Yeah, so I know I said I probably wasn't going to blog about my life anymore... but I guess I lied. Here I am!
I think, somehow, sort of, that I kind of understand how anorexic girls can look in the mirror and think to themselves that they're fat. Maybe. I'm aware of how strange that statement sounds, and I know that anorexia is a serious mental illness, and I am not in any way trying to make light of it, but I think I have a very small insight in to what that feeling might be. Sort of.
Okay, backstory: I've been a fat kid pretty much my whole life. I guess I wasn't huge, per se, but chubby enough that I got teased all through school, picked last in gym class, you know the story, it's always the same. And in recent years, I'd reconciled myself to always being that shape and size. I ate how I ate, and I exercised not at all, and I didn't want to change my lifestyle to change my body, and that was fine. My clothes were always size 16 or 18, and that was fine too. Just a number, right? My parents and my brother were fat too, so it wasn't like I was the only one. It was fine!
This past winter, my parents and I decided it was about time we finally did something about our weight. Our doctors kept on telling us we weren't healthy - to the point of once, when I went in for my annual pap test, and ONLY my pap test, my (very skinny) doctor insisted on sitting me down and telling me I had to eat better (that fuckin' bitch!). We were really starting to feel unhealthy too, more than we ever had before. So, these past few months we've been focusing on really strict portion control. We've added some exercise as well (Pilates every Saturday!) but mostly, for us, it's always been an issue of putting too much food into our bodies. Portion control is not easy, but we're working together and motivating each other, and we're starting to see some huge (or rather, small!) results.
For instance: all my summer dresses from last summer fall off of my body. I am now out of notches to cinch on my belts. I can take my old jeans off without unbuttoning them. My bras are too loose. And my face is skinnier too - I've lost any traces of my erstwhile slight double-chin. My folks have seen the same kinds of results; Dad is wearing pants he hasn't worn in years and years because he was too big for them, and mom has nothing in her closet that fits her anymore, either.
Tonight, mom and I went clothes shopping. We're trying not to buy too much new clothing because we aren't finished losing weight (knock on wood - we don't want to be finished yet). However, it's getting pretty tiring to walk around day after day in clothes that feel like sacks, so we went out to get a few pieces, just to get us through the summer. And you know what? I was fitting into pants and dresses in a size 12. A size 12!! I have not ever been a size 12 since... well... ever. I'm pretty stoked, actually. Size 12 is not a fat-girl size. A woman who is a size 12 doesn't have to shop in plus-size stores. A woman who is a size 12 is, according to most department store standards, exactly average. Average means not fat. I still want to lose some more weight, but I'm pretty thrilled to own the number 12 at this point in time.
But the entire time we were shopping and trying on things, I kept looking at myself in the change-room mirror and feeling fat! What the hell? I am thinner than I have ever been in my adult life, and I feel like a frickin' whale. Mom felt the same way - she's made a similar drop in size to me (and today she was fitting into size 10! That's almost back to single digits!) and said she felt like a balloon!
And... I don't have an answer as to why! I should feel proud of myself for what I've already achieved. And I do! I bought a size 12 dress and some size 12 jeans! I have never before owned clothing with those numbers! That's freakin' sweet! But honestly, all I saw in that change-room mirror was a big ol' fat belly.
I don't know why I all of a sudden started feeling worse about my body image, when my body is, in fact, starting to look much better than it ever has. I know I was fine with how I looked before I started losing weight, even though it was less than ideal. So the difference has to be in my mind, right? What is that difference? Am I starting to realize that I was wrong to think my body image was okay when I was fatter? Am I allowing myself to be more critical of my looks because I think I can take it now? Like, maybe it doesn't matter so much if I'm hard on myself, because being thinner means I can take the criticism? I don't have an answer. I don't even know if I'm asking the right questions!
Self-consciousness was never a fun game to play, and it's not an easy thing to get over. I guess I hope that at some point on this skinny-fying journey I become satisfied with my body image again.
And with that... [/emo]!!!
I think, somehow, sort of, that I kind of understand how anorexic girls can look in the mirror and think to themselves that they're fat. Maybe. I'm aware of how strange that statement sounds, and I know that anorexia is a serious mental illness, and I am not in any way trying to make light of it, but I think I have a very small insight in to what that feeling might be. Sort of.
Okay, backstory: I've been a fat kid pretty much my whole life. I guess I wasn't huge, per se, but chubby enough that I got teased all through school, picked last in gym class, you know the story, it's always the same. And in recent years, I'd reconciled myself to always being that shape and size. I ate how I ate, and I exercised not at all, and I didn't want to change my lifestyle to change my body, and that was fine. My clothes were always size 16 or 18, and that was fine too. Just a number, right? My parents and my brother were fat too, so it wasn't like I was the only one. It was fine!
This past winter, my parents and I decided it was about time we finally did something about our weight. Our doctors kept on telling us we weren't healthy - to the point of once, when I went in for my annual pap test, and ONLY my pap test, my (very skinny) doctor insisted on sitting me down and telling me I had to eat better (that fuckin' bitch!). We were really starting to feel unhealthy too, more than we ever had before. So, these past few months we've been focusing on really strict portion control. We've added some exercise as well (Pilates every Saturday!) but mostly, for us, it's always been an issue of putting too much food into our bodies. Portion control is not easy, but we're working together and motivating each other, and we're starting to see some huge (or rather, small!) results.
For instance: all my summer dresses from last summer fall off of my body. I am now out of notches to cinch on my belts. I can take my old jeans off without unbuttoning them. My bras are too loose. And my face is skinnier too - I've lost any traces of my erstwhile slight double-chin. My folks have seen the same kinds of results; Dad is wearing pants he hasn't worn in years and years because he was too big for them, and mom has nothing in her closet that fits her anymore, either.
Tonight, mom and I went clothes shopping. We're trying not to buy too much new clothing because we aren't finished losing weight (knock on wood - we don't want to be finished yet). However, it's getting pretty tiring to walk around day after day in clothes that feel like sacks, so we went out to get a few pieces, just to get us through the summer. And you know what? I was fitting into pants and dresses in a size 12. A size 12!! I have not ever been a size 12 since... well... ever. I'm pretty stoked, actually. Size 12 is not a fat-girl size. A woman who is a size 12 doesn't have to shop in plus-size stores. A woman who is a size 12 is, according to most department store standards, exactly average. Average means not fat. I still want to lose some more weight, but I'm pretty thrilled to own the number 12 at this point in time.
But the entire time we were shopping and trying on things, I kept looking at myself in the change-room mirror and feeling fat! What the hell? I am thinner than I have ever been in my adult life, and I feel like a frickin' whale. Mom felt the same way - she's made a similar drop in size to me (and today she was fitting into size 10! That's almost back to single digits!) and said she felt like a balloon!
And... I don't have an answer as to why! I should feel proud of myself for what I've already achieved. And I do! I bought a size 12 dress and some size 12 jeans! I have never before owned clothing with those numbers! That's freakin' sweet! But honestly, all I saw in that change-room mirror was a big ol' fat belly.
I don't know why I all of a sudden started feeling worse about my body image, when my body is, in fact, starting to look much better than it ever has. I know I was fine with how I looked before I started losing weight, even though it was less than ideal. So the difference has to be in my mind, right? What is that difference? Am I starting to realize that I was wrong to think my body image was okay when I was fatter? Am I allowing myself to be more critical of my looks because I think I can take it now? Like, maybe it doesn't matter so much if I'm hard on myself, because being thinner means I can take the criticism? I don't have an answer. I don't even know if I'm asking the right questions!
Self-consciousness was never a fun game to play, and it's not an easy thing to get over. I guess I hope that at some point on this skinny-fying journey I become satisfied with my body image again.
And with that... [/emo]!!!