This might be a rhetorical question

[sharpestscalpel]

Why does everyone in fandom (and by everyone I mean a bunch of people, not literally everyone) seem to doubt themselves on such a fundamental level?

I mean, yeah, I operate from a deep well of insecurity but, I mean, do we all? Really?

Just had a mini conversation with etirabys about the importance of discomfort - do we just read discomfort as reasons we

Comments

[yeomanrand]

You know, it could be for the same reasons we write/create in the first place; whatever that well is that makes us storytellers/artists/what have you.

And in my case, to a certain extent, it has to do with "supposed to" and "humility." Yes, I'm also ragingly insecure, but it's almost like on a fundamental level it's not OK to say "I wrote this thing, and it is a good thing, and I am proud of what I did and the story I told." Like somehow I'm supposed to be looking for the piece's flaws so I know what to improve "next time."

Does this make any sense at all?

[circ_bamboo]

Well, I mean, we also do run pretty high to ladies, and *insert kyriarchy rant here*, but you know that.

I think it's also the whole currency of fandom: reviews, comments, acknowledgement, kudos. If we got paid that would take one measure of wondering away. Maybe. I don't know. I even doubt my meta.

[yeomanrand]

I even doubt my meta.

/points upward.

Apparently, so do I.

[circ_bamboo]

*fistbump of insecurity solidarity* *are we allowed to do that?*

You know, I've always resisted the 'creative person' label, not just for myself but sort of in general because I don't think you need to be a Starving Artist in order to create, but sometimes the damn shoe fits.

[rubynye]

I am my own Asian mother, why.

Because our mothers build homonculi inside us which we carry about thereafter. I am my own demanding immigrant mother, too.

[zombieboyband]

I mean, yeah, I operate from a deep well of insecurity but, I mean, do we all?

I think many of us do.

That said, I don't think I'm apologetic about my quality (my quality: pretty rad), but I fall all over myself with apologies for my inconsistency and how I'm the opposite of reliably prolific. And that makes me feel like a fuck up, but more because I feel like a failure as an adult than I do as an artist, exactly, if that distinction makes sense to anyone else. Like, I believe I should be both good AND producing consistently, or else, like, it's all pathetic and hopeless and I might as well be some trust fund kid doing nothing with my life but snorting coke and getting drunk and buying designer clothes to rip up and producing, like, one shitty three page short story per year and calling myself an "independent artist." Except for how I'm poor. And my mother stole my trust fund. And I'm disowned. And I don't do drugs or drink.

OTHERWISE EXACTLY LIKE THAT THOUGH.