C'est pas par là; c'est par ici!
Last night after rehearsal I had by far the most terrifying experience of my life, a bad trip I was smart enough to NOT deliberately induce, really don't know where it came from, but I was tripping my face off and having déjà vu and basically thought that the entire world had conspired to give me this thing called the Nightmare, I was convinced that they'd done it before but you're supposed to know what it is, you're supposed to know how to play, and I forgot, which meant the thing went from a stupid joke to a bad trip that was going to last the rest of my life. Every time I would rationalize the whole thing and calm down and maybe not think I was going to die from heatstroke or heart attack, I would suddenly regain consciousness on the other side of the room, gnawing on myself, clawing at the walls, literally would wake up screaming. This lasted for three hours, and every now and then I would leave my room and try to find someone anyone someone to tell me if it was real, but the whole thing was a fucking CONSPIRACY, it was either a joke or an STD or a conspiracy or an intervention and I played the game four times in one night with different people, and oh no, oh no I forgot who was real, I forgot who was safe, who was playing, who would tell me whether or not I'm actually a bitch and everyone hates me. Alex Webb came by and I asked her to save me, but she was stoned and awkward and man, at least someone else was in the room, I calmed down a lot, asked her if I wet the bed, put my pants on inside out, went outside... then ran back in, couldn't handle it, finally calmed down, what the fuck.
I think it was a brutal combination of sleep-deprivation, Adderall come-down, and smoking a bowl. I thought I was too energetic to sleep when I got off reherasal so I smoked a bowl to calm down, came back to my room, got ready for bed... then had the worst panic attack of my life and that's what tipped the whole goddamn thing off. I was seriously ready to call 911, somewhere in the scheme of my made-up world where I'm having a bad trip for the rest of my life, they put someone on suicide watch, and I just remember yelling at my door "Why won't you let me kill myself?" but I have no idea what I said out loud and what I just thought. Auditory hallucinations made my life a living fucking hell. I guess I can only describe the thing as a dream, a fucking Nightmare, but I was awake the whole time, was walking around and interacting with people, am really barely recovered now, still kind of think the whole world is against me.
I have to go to dress rehearsal in half an hour. Aaron Kint is in a better mood today, at least, Rave is distracting, but I hope I can fucking pull myself together.