Update?
Yeah, it's definately been more than a month since I updated. And you know, I'm not so sure I want to. But one day I might want to look back on my life, so here I shall write what is worth reading.
I suck at school. I need to get the fuck out of here. I need to be looking for a job. I need to be applying to grad school. I need to be taking the GMAT. I need to get better grades in my classes. I need to be trying harder than I am. But you know what? I'm not. I'm not even sure I want to go to grad school. I don't really know if I want a job. I want to stop. And rest. Just, chill for a while. But I can't. I have no real time to myself. So instead, I do a bad job at everything, and kinda fuck up my own future. Grad school, huh. I need to look into that. 'cause I can't go here... I've kinda fucked myself over in that category.
Still single. Figure I'd better get used to it. Why? Well, I don't know how recently I've said this, but I still feel like I am nobody's type. I'm not the guy that any girl is lusting after. At best, I am an acceptable alternative. There's worse out there, true, but there's also better. And of course, everyone goes after the better. Hell, I would too. I'm average... that's just it. And you know what? I don't want to be that. I want to be somebody's crush. I want to be 'the one' for someone, you know? And I don't want to be head over heels in love with someone. Well, I do, but primarily, I want someone to be head over heels in love with me. 'Cause I have been crazy about a girl. In fact, I might be now. But it means nothing if the girl feels nothing back. It doesn't lead to anything but heartache.
I do have a semblance of a social life now. I have some friends. Granted, most of the people I'm referring to as 'friends' are fellow staff members of some sort or another, but I will still count them as friends for purposes of this post. I get along wonderfully with my dyad, which is always a good thing, and I don't hate anyone. I disagree with a lot of people, but I don't hate anyone. Of course, there are still people who have problems that I would want to have... Instead of the ones I do have. But maybe that's just 'cause it's always so much easier to solve other peoples problems.
Shit. last time I posted I hadn't cut my hair yet. Yep, I'm bald now. And I bought a suit. I think lj is dying for me, much like facebook is now just a sort of way to initiate contact. And, sometimes, to look up information about people. No longer is it a way to keep in touch or find interesting things. It's just a site. I believe that many things are dying for me. Maybe it's me that is... Or perhaps, I just need something to focus on. School won't work. I think that... I am spending lots of time focusing on what I can't have, because I'm too scared to go after what I want.
People suck. Guys are assholes, and girls... are something else. I am no exception, and you probably aren't either. I want to play some video games. I want my damn Wii. And I probably won't get one at launch. I probably won't get one anytime close. But who cares. I'll get one eventually. I should probably wait 'til spring, anyway. You know, whoever said you can't buy happiness may have been on to something. I have almost everything I want. It's not the most costly stuff in the world, but it's what I want. And you know, I'm still not happy. I have everything I want, I love my music, I love my stuff, I love my taste in everything, and I like the way I think. All I am lacking, is someone to share it all with.
And now I remember why I don't post. I always feel like I am whining, and I fucking hate that. And apparently, so does everyone who reads this. Hence, there will be an lj-cut. Just skip it if you want. Save us both some time. I am fucking whining in my fucking journal, fucking deal with it. I am single, I am lonely, I am unhappy, I am jaded, I am bored, I am tired, and I want to be somewhere else. People need to grow up. I was finishing up but I'm not fucking done. People need to grow up.
You know, I am sick of being the friend. I know, I know, a lot of guys have this complaint. Some girls too. I am so fucking suck of hearing how great a person I am and how I'll make some girl happy, or how I'm a wonderful friend, and consequently, not a good boyfriend. I know all this shit already, the most illogical line of logic I've ever heard. But anger solves nothing. What's the solution? Find someone as mature as I am. Someone who sees through all the shit, and is above the college drama. Yes, so many people come to college glad to be away from high school drama, only to continue living in it. Maybe an evolved state of high school drama, but stupid drama nonetheless.
If you are consistently in bad relationships, reconsider the type of person you're dating. If all your friends are turning against you, perhaps you're a bad friend. The problem is not always other people. I know this, and it's funny for me to say this, considering my complaints... But I'm not complaining about not having friends, I have all the friends I want. And I'm not complaining about being in bad relationships. I'm complaining about not being in one at all. Girls are all either shallow or involved, and I'm not hot enough to matter. Hence, I'm the friend.
I am so angry about everything. And as I've said before... I know exactly what it would take to make me happy, and I know it won't exist for another 5 years or so. I am not going to date anyone less intelligent and mature than I am... again. Which cuts out 90% of MSU. No, in fact, 95%. This probably includes you, no matter how mature you may think you are. And the remaining five percent, well, either involved, or uninterested. Hell, I'm not as great as I make myself out to be. I am a deeply flawed individual. And I always will be.
But I'm less fucked up than everyone else.
I'm done. I'm finished complaining about the world. Let's talk about what's wrong with Shawn Rayon. Man, so many things flash through my head when I say that. But you know, let's not talk about them. Everyone already knows what is wrong with me, and no one hesitates to tell me exactly how I'm fucking up. Thank you for that, world. Thanks for fucking me up worse. I always feel like such a whiny bitch when I do this. And I'm sure people will tell me later that I am, or how emo I sound. Way to be a friend.
I fucking hate people.