The Way Things Go
Title: The Way Things Go
Pairing: Sehun/Lu Han
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Sehun had begun to think of himself and Lu Han as inseparable, but he was wrong.
A/N: I intended to write something else, but this is what came out today. ^^; Disorganized semi-angst.
Falling in love wasn't something Sehun had ever really planned on. It wasn't something that was even on his mind yet when he became a trainee at SM, and once he was there he figured he'd never have a chance to, anyway. Their contracts sort of had a thing about it -- which he knew some people worked around or disregarded or whatever, but honestly, that seemed like way more trouble than it was worth. He had his work to pour himself into, and his schedules would keep him more than occupied once he finally got the chance to debut. He felt complete with music in his ears, rhythm in his feet. He didn't need anything else.
He didn't know when that had changed. When he had started matching his steps with Lu Han's or letting Lu Han take him by the hand. He had never minded physical affection, but he didn't crave it either -- until this. Now he wasn't sure which of them reached first, and he wasn't sure if it mattered. All he cared about was Lu Han.
...
At some point, he had started keeping a rubik's cube in his bag because he knew Lu Han liked them, that it was his go-to skill when someone asked what else he could do.
At some point, he forgot he should probably think up a personal skill of his own, too.
...
By some miracle, they were allowed to debut with the same group. EXO, they were told -- a 12-member group loosely based off of the structure of Super Junior, but with a shit ton more gimmicks involved. Something really lame about EXO Planet and super powers that Sehun probably would've openly scoffed at, had he not been too busy squeezing Lu Han's hand under the table until Lu Han leaned closer against his side and squeezed right back until it hurt, but they didn't mind.
They were awake. It was real.
...
The full reality didn't really set in until the next day, when they were told the finer details about their future group.
EXO would be split in half.
One Korean branch, and one Chinese, set to promote fairly exclusively in their respective countries.
Sehun wanted to scream.
Lu Han must've seen it, the way his jaw was clenching as he bit down hard on his own tongue to keep silent, he had to keep silent, because those innocent eyes didn't leave his face for the rest of the meeting. They followed him all the way back to the dorms where the trainees were packed into tiny single rooms, which had never seemed to small until just then, when everything was breaking. Lu Han reached up to touch his shoulder, and he flinched away.
...
They didn't speak for almost a day, the longest since they had first met by chance in the company's cafeteria, both with their eye on the same secluded corner table. Then Sehun broke.
"Lu Han."
And those arms were around him in an instant, pulling him in so tightly that his arms got pinned between them. "It's okay," Lu Han murmured, and that was when the tears spilled up and over, and Sehun shook his head.
"No," he said, a hoarse whisper against the familiar curve of Lu Han's neck. "It really isn't."
...
The date was set for their debut, and it became a countdown that Sehun marked on his calendar with great red x's. At first, EXO would have a few events as a whole, all 12 members together on Korean soil. He looked forward to that part. He was nervous, though not as much for the performances as he was for appearing on shows, for having to put up a charismatic front without the music to help him get by.
But it was what came after that he really dreaded.
EXO-M would be sent to China just a few short days after they made their first appearance together, and the full schedules weren't out yet. If their debut went well, promotions could go on for months and months, and Chinese variety shows were especially eager for fresh young faces.
He found himself praying that their debut would just go okay.
...
A part of him hated Jongdae and Minseok -- no Chen an Xiumin, his brain reminded him. The two Koreans who had spilled over into EXO-M that made him so jealous he wanted to vomit.
Since they were mixing nationalities, he didn't understand why he had to be in K, he'd told Lu Han somewhat petulantly a few weeks back. "Jongdae's Mandarin sucks. I can speak better than him."
Speak, yes -- but sing? No. And that was the real reason Jongdae was put in M. Him and his damned voice. Minseok, maybe, he could have replaced. Their roles were similar...ish. Though Minseok could sing better than him, too, and EXO-K needed him as a dancer.
"I know," was all Lu Han had said, tucking his head against Sehun's shoulder. Sehun leaned his cheek against Lu Han's hair, bleached blonde now, and took comfort in the way that Lu Han always knew what to say and that they were good at silence. He didn't want to be able to see the logic behind it, which Lu Han doubtlessly could have explained. The boy was a lot more perceptive than those doe eyes let on, not to mention being years older than Sehun -- a fact they both often forgot. Sehun just wanted to be upset over it for a while longer. He wanted to complain and occasionally maybe get mad and break something, like that stupid, ugly lamp he'd thrown against the wall last Wednesday.
They still hadn't picked up the pieces of it. The glass shards were probably dangerous to have on the floor, but so far they'd avoided them well. He just wasn't ready to deal with that yet, and Lu Han would never force him to.
...
In the final days leading up to their debut, they were all moved into a different dorm building. It was a lot nicer in the sense that the rooms were bigger and more modern and they now had an ahjumma to cook and clean for them sometimes, but it was a lot less nice in that they now had to share rooms. EXO-K and EXO-M dorms were on different floors, one above the other, and Sehun tried not to think about the fact that the rooms beneath his feet would be empty in just a few more days. His roommate was the incredibly accommodating and slightly nervous Joonmyun, who was to be the leader of the K division Suho, he had to keep reminding everyone. A more meaningful name assigned to the leader, also somewhat based on the Super Junior model. Sehun thought it was a little lame and a little unnecessary, but, then again, Leeteuk had turned out pretty amazing by all accounts and had made a real effort to take Joonmyun under his wing, so he guessed it was all right.
The EXO members moved pretty freely between the two dorms, gathering all together for meals and lounging in each other's living rooms, trying to move as quickly as they could from acquaintances to friends, brothers, groupmates. Sehun made an effort, but he tried even harder to make sure that Lu Han was always within arm's reach. "It's a good thing you're cute," Jongin had told him one night, "since you're so fucking quiet."
He'd been promptly kicked by the derpy beanpole that was Chanyeol, scolding him in his surprisingly deep voice to "Be nice to our maknae~" while Baekhyun patted Sehun's shoulder and told him not to worry, because they'd take care of him.
Sehun opened his mouth to say that it wasn't necessary, but then he caught Lu Han's grateful smile out of the corner of his eye and thought better of it. "Thank you," he settled on instead, and he smiled for them.
...
It wasn't on purpose that they fell asleep curled together in Sehun's bed that night, but it wasn't unexpected, either. They had used to sleep like this in the cramped trainee dorms, too, every once in a while. They were so comfortable together, it wasn't surprising to find them sleeping next to each other, especially if they'd been up talking or just didn't feel like walking x amount of steps to their own rooms. Joonmyun let them, without words or judgments, and tried to keep the sadness out of his smile when he saw them the next morning, as if he somehow understood.
Sehun got his best sleep like that, pressed up against Lu Han's back, nose against his neck. He never wanted to wake from it, and told Lu Han as much with a groan whenever the other began to stir in the morning, and Sehun would cling to him even tighter with eyes firmly shut until he laughed and tickled himself free. "Cheater," Sehun would complain, but Lu Han would only smile at him and call him cute and say he was hungry.
The last day, though, Lu Han let Sehun cling almost as long as he wanted. EXO-M was off to the airport in late morning, bags already packed and re-packed, outfits assigned and schedule filled almost to bursting point for the next couple of days. Sehun had fallen asleep uneasily, only after spending what seemed like hours memorizing every inch of Lu Han's sleeping face, the way his mouth hung slightly open and the way he liked to roll onto Sehun's arm and stay there until he lost all feeling in it, and he tried not to think about things like goodbyes.
Joonmyun's voice had Lu Han shifting to sit up - calling something about EXO-M needing to head out in fifteen minutes - and that woke Sehun, panicking and reaching instinctively to drag Lu Han back down. "Don't go," he said stupidly, biting his lip when his voice betrayed him and shook. "Don't leave me."
Lu Han let him hold him, and then, after a long moment, he held on, too. "I don't want to go." They were clinging so tightly that Sehun could barely breathe. His chest hurt and his arms were shaking but it didn't matter because Lu Han was shaking, too, and all he wanted was to pull Lu Han into him until they became one person We are one, their stupid fucking slogan. What a joke.
He remembered Joonmyun calling for them again, and then Wu Fan, too. He didn't remember letting go of Lu Han or if Lu Han managed to get changed in time or whether or not Lu Han remembered his toothbrush that he was always leaving over here. He didn't wave goodbye to EXO-M's van because he couldn't move, and Joonmyun was too kind to try and make him.
He did remember, though, one other thing.
"我爱你."
Pairing: Sehun/Lu Han
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Sehun had begun to think of himself and Lu Han as inseparable, but he was wrong.
A/N: I intended to write something else, but this is what came out today. ^^; Disorganized semi-angst.
Falling in love wasn't something Sehun had ever really planned on. It wasn't something that was even on his mind yet when he became a trainee at SM, and once he was there he figured he'd never have a chance to, anyway. Their contracts sort of had a thing about it -- which he knew some people worked around or disregarded or whatever, but honestly, that seemed like way more trouble than it was worth. He had his work to pour himself into, and his schedules would keep him more than occupied once he finally got the chance to debut. He felt complete with music in his ears, rhythm in his feet. He didn't need anything else.
He didn't know when that had changed. When he had started matching his steps with Lu Han's or letting Lu Han take him by the hand. He had never minded physical affection, but he didn't crave it either -- until this. Now he wasn't sure which of them reached first, and he wasn't sure if it mattered. All he cared about was Lu Han.
...
At some point, he had started keeping a rubik's cube in his bag because he knew Lu Han liked them, that it was his go-to skill when someone asked what else he could do.
At some point, he forgot he should probably think up a personal skill of his own, too.
...
By some miracle, they were allowed to debut with the same group. EXO, they were told -- a 12-member group loosely based off of the structure of Super Junior, but with a shit ton more gimmicks involved. Something really lame about EXO Planet and super powers that Sehun probably would've openly scoffed at, had he not been too busy squeezing Lu Han's hand under the table until Lu Han leaned closer against his side and squeezed right back until it hurt, but they didn't mind.
They were awake. It was real.
...
The full reality didn't really set in until the next day, when they were told the finer details about their future group.
EXO would be split in half.
One Korean branch, and one Chinese, set to promote fairly exclusively in their respective countries.
Sehun wanted to scream.
Lu Han must've seen it, the way his jaw was clenching as he bit down hard on his own tongue to keep silent, he had to keep silent, because those innocent eyes didn't leave his face for the rest of the meeting. They followed him all the way back to the dorms where the trainees were packed into tiny single rooms, which had never seemed to small until just then, when everything was breaking. Lu Han reached up to touch his shoulder, and he flinched away.
...
They didn't speak for almost a day, the longest since they had first met by chance in the company's cafeteria, both with their eye on the same secluded corner table. Then Sehun broke.
"Lu Han."
And those arms were around him in an instant, pulling him in so tightly that his arms got pinned between them. "It's okay," Lu Han murmured, and that was when the tears spilled up and over, and Sehun shook his head.
"No," he said, a hoarse whisper against the familiar curve of Lu Han's neck. "It really isn't."
...
The date was set for their debut, and it became a countdown that Sehun marked on his calendar with great red x's. At first, EXO would have a few events as a whole, all 12 members together on Korean soil. He looked forward to that part. He was nervous, though not as much for the performances as he was for appearing on shows, for having to put up a charismatic front without the music to help him get by.
But it was what came after that he really dreaded.
EXO-M would be sent to China just a few short days after they made their first appearance together, and the full schedules weren't out yet. If their debut went well, promotions could go on for months and months, and Chinese variety shows were especially eager for fresh young faces.
He found himself praying that their debut would just go okay.
...
A part of him hated Jongdae and Minseok -- no Chen an Xiumin, his brain reminded him. The two Koreans who had spilled over into EXO-M that made him so jealous he wanted to vomit.
Since they were mixing nationalities, he didn't understand why he had to be in K, he'd told Lu Han somewhat petulantly a few weeks back. "Jongdae's Mandarin sucks. I can speak better than him."
Speak, yes -- but sing? No. And that was the real reason Jongdae was put in M. Him and his damned voice. Minseok, maybe, he could have replaced. Their roles were similar...ish. Though Minseok could sing better than him, too, and EXO-K needed him as a dancer.
"I know," was all Lu Han had said, tucking his head against Sehun's shoulder. Sehun leaned his cheek against Lu Han's hair, bleached blonde now, and took comfort in the way that Lu Han always knew what to say and that they were good at silence. He didn't want to be able to see the logic behind it, which Lu Han doubtlessly could have explained. The boy was a lot more perceptive than those doe eyes let on, not to mention being years older than Sehun -- a fact they both often forgot. Sehun just wanted to be upset over it for a while longer. He wanted to complain and occasionally maybe get mad and break something, like that stupid, ugly lamp he'd thrown against the wall last Wednesday.
They still hadn't picked up the pieces of it. The glass shards were probably dangerous to have on the floor, but so far they'd avoided them well. He just wasn't ready to deal with that yet, and Lu Han would never force him to.
...
In the final days leading up to their debut, they were all moved into a different dorm building. It was a lot nicer in the sense that the rooms were bigger and more modern and they now had an ahjumma to cook and clean for them sometimes, but it was a lot less nice in that they now had to share rooms. EXO-K and EXO-M dorms were on different floors, one above the other, and Sehun tried not to think about the fact that the rooms beneath his feet would be empty in just a few more days. His roommate was the incredibly accommodating and slightly nervous Joonmyun, who was to be the leader of the K division Suho, he had to keep reminding everyone. A more meaningful name assigned to the leader, also somewhat based on the Super Junior model. Sehun thought it was a little lame and a little unnecessary, but, then again, Leeteuk had turned out pretty amazing by all accounts and had made a real effort to take Joonmyun under his wing, so he guessed it was all right.
The EXO members moved pretty freely between the two dorms, gathering all together for meals and lounging in each other's living rooms, trying to move as quickly as they could from acquaintances to friends, brothers, groupmates. Sehun made an effort, but he tried even harder to make sure that Lu Han was always within arm's reach. "It's a good thing you're cute," Jongin had told him one night, "since you're so fucking quiet."
He'd been promptly kicked by the derpy beanpole that was Chanyeol, scolding him in his surprisingly deep voice to "Be nice to our maknae~" while Baekhyun patted Sehun's shoulder and told him not to worry, because they'd take care of him.
Sehun opened his mouth to say that it wasn't necessary, but then he caught Lu Han's grateful smile out of the corner of his eye and thought better of it. "Thank you," he settled on instead, and he smiled for them.
...
It wasn't on purpose that they fell asleep curled together in Sehun's bed that night, but it wasn't unexpected, either. They had used to sleep like this in the cramped trainee dorms, too, every once in a while. They were so comfortable together, it wasn't surprising to find them sleeping next to each other, especially if they'd been up talking or just didn't feel like walking x amount of steps to their own rooms. Joonmyun let them, without words or judgments, and tried to keep the sadness out of his smile when he saw them the next morning, as if he somehow understood.
Sehun got his best sleep like that, pressed up against Lu Han's back, nose against his neck. He never wanted to wake from it, and told Lu Han as much with a groan whenever the other began to stir in the morning, and Sehun would cling to him even tighter with eyes firmly shut until he laughed and tickled himself free. "Cheater," Sehun would complain, but Lu Han would only smile at him and call him cute and say he was hungry.
The last day, though, Lu Han let Sehun cling almost as long as he wanted. EXO-M was off to the airport in late morning, bags already packed and re-packed, outfits assigned and schedule filled almost to bursting point for the next couple of days. Sehun had fallen asleep uneasily, only after spending what seemed like hours memorizing every inch of Lu Han's sleeping face, the way his mouth hung slightly open and the way he liked to roll onto Sehun's arm and stay there until he lost all feeling in it, and he tried not to think about things like goodbyes.
Joonmyun's voice had Lu Han shifting to sit up - calling something about EXO-M needing to head out in fifteen minutes - and that woke Sehun, panicking and reaching instinctively to drag Lu Han back down. "Don't go," he said stupidly, biting his lip when his voice betrayed him and shook. "Don't leave me."
Lu Han let him hold him, and then, after a long moment, he held on, too. "I don't want to go." They were clinging so tightly that Sehun could barely breathe. His chest hurt and his arms were shaking but it didn't matter because Lu Han was shaking, too, and all he wanted was to pull Lu Han into him until they became one person We are one, their stupid fucking slogan. What a joke.
He remembered Joonmyun calling for them again, and then Wu Fan, too. He didn't remember letting go of Lu Han or if Lu Han managed to get changed in time or whether or not Lu Han remembered his toothbrush that he was always leaving over here. He didn't wave goodbye to EXO-M's van because he couldn't move, and Joonmyun was too kind to try and make him.
He did remember, though, one other thing.
"我爱你."