Hands Off!
Title: Hands Off!
Pairing: Baekhyun/Chanyeol
Rating: pg
Genre: crack
Summary: Chanyeol has this bad habit of touching EVERYTHING. Baekhyun has a solution, and that solution is duct tape.
a/n: At least half the credit for this idea goes t lizziepro. I just beat her to writing it. xD ...this is what we talk about when we hang out.
Sharing a room with Chanyeol isn't half bad, most of the time. Honestly, Baekhyun considers himself lucky. Chanyeol was his first friend among the group, and even though they fight over the thermostat and Chanyeol is a jerk who likes to take advantage of his ticklish neck, Baekhyun's definitely glad he doesn't have to put up with Sehun's moods or Jongin's perpetual semi-nudity. That's barely even legal.
But, sometimes, Chanyeol drives him absolutely insane.
"PARK CHANYEOL, IF YOU TOUCH ME ONE MORE TIME I SWEAR TO GOD--"
"Sorry, sorry~" Chanyeol laughs and dances away from Baekhyun's glare. Baekhyun sighs and rubs the back of his neck, which has been constantly exploited since they got home from their last schedule an hour and a half ago, and his patience is wearing thin.
Still, Chanyeol's on the other side of the room now, and even though Chanyeol's arms are long, there's no way he can reach that far.
Baekhyun makes the mistake of feeling safe.
Then, approximately 2.4 minutes later, there's the sound of breaking glass -- and all of the photos of Baekhyun's family and friends that had been on his bedside table are now in a pile of glass on the floor.
"PARK CHANYEOLLLLLLLLL."
His shriek is so ear-splitting the windows almost break, too, but Chanyeol just rubs his nose innocently. "I was just looking at them and they fell. It wasn't me, I swear."
"They fell? Really? That's the excuse you're going with?"
Sometimes Baekhyun actually can't believe how dumb Chanyeol is. Or how dumb Chanyeol must think he is, if he thinks for one second lies like that would be believable
"Orrrrr," Chanyeol says very seriously, "the dorm could be haunted."
Baekhyun rolls his eyes. "No, Chanyeol. Ghosts aren't real."
"HOW DO YOU KNOW. HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ONE??"
"Of course not, stupid -- I haven't seen one because THEY'RE NOT REAL."
"HOW DO YOU KNOW UNLESS YOU'VE LOOKED."
"Chanyeol, your logic is--"
"HAVE YOU LOOKED FOR THEM, BAEKHYUN?? HAVE YOU LOOKED BEYOND THE GRAVE???"
"Chanyeol--"
"HAVE YOU BEEN TO THE AFTERLIFE AND BACK?? HAVE YOU SEEN DEAD PEOPLE?? OH MY GOD, DO YOU SEE ANY RIGHT NOW????"
"Chan--"
"GASP. BAEKHYUN. ARE YOU ONE OF THEM??!?!?? ARE YOU A GHOST, BAEKHYUN???? WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME I THOUGHT WE WERE SOULMATES YOU JERK I HOPE YOU DIE oh wait you can't you're already a ghost but anyway YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. I HOPE YOU--"
Duct tape is a surprisingly effective silencing device. Two strips are all it takes, and Chanyeol's screaming is reduced to a dull "mmmmdgahwure" that Baekhyun has no problem ignoring Baekhyun smiles at him angelically, and Chanyeol gives up clawing at the tape and flops despairingly onto the bed.
Baekhyun is just glad Chanyeol is too dumb to just tear the tape off with his hands. He settles back comfortably on his bed and goes back to his book, after patting himself on the back for a job well done. Joonmyun would be proud.
...except maybe not, since he'd stolen the tape from him in the first place. But oh well~
Baekhyun's mental peace is shattered within 17 seconds as he catches a flurry of activity out of the corner of his eye -- and he gapes in abject horror when he realizes that Chanyeol is going through the contents of his closet. His good-natured humming is slightly muffled by the duct tape as he tosses a couple of shirts he thinks are ugly onto the floor and takes his time stroking all of Baekhyun's pretty sweaters. They feel like sheep -- no, better than sheep, like really fluffy sheep, or like heaven clouds, no wait not that soft, so, wait -- like if a really fluffy sheep and a heaven cloud had a baby, and that baby was softer than the really fluffy sheep but not quite as soft as the heaven cloud -- THAT is what Baekhyun's pretty sweaters feel like.
"PARK CHANYEOL WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT TOUCHING MY THINGS????!?!" Baekhyun's screeching makes Chanyeol drop a sweater -- right onto the pile of broken glass from earlier. Which someone should probably clean up at some point, because that's really not very safe.
"Chanyeol..."
Chanyeol expects another scream, but Baekhyun's voice drops to a vicious whisper instead and Chanyeol almost pees his pants in sheer, unadulterated terror. "What have I told you about touching my sweaters with your greasy hands, Chanyeol? Oh, that's right -- not to. Unless you have my express written consent and have washed your hands thoroughly, six times, with soap and water." Chanyeol personally thinks expecting him to use both soap AND water is a little unreasonable. But his protests are unintelligible, and Baekhyun hates his logic anyway.
Baekhyun picks up the duct tape again, and Chanyeol cowers against the wall as Baekhyun slowly corners him, like he's the fierce lioness and Chanyeol is his poor, defenseless antelope prey.
Because, you know. The lionesses are the ones who do the hunting and blood-letting.
"I'll never be able to get all the glass shards out of that sweater, Chanyeol," Baekhyun says, smiling a sweet smile that doesn't reach the fiery rage depths of his demonic soul. He pulls a piece of tape slowly, deliberately, and Chanyeol watches with terrified eyes. "You'll have to buy me a new one. That was real cashmere."
Chanyeol's scream is muffled by the duct tape on his mouth, and Baekhyun admires his own handiwork. "You look much better like this, actually," he says, his usual good humor back as he kicks Chanyeol cheerfully in the arm, which is now taped to his side. His other arm is the exact same way. Chanyeol's nose itches. He whimpers and tries to look as pathetic as possible in the hope that demon lord Baekhyun will have pity on his poor, wretched soul, though admittedly it's a little hard with half of his face obscured by duct tape.
Baekhyun just skips merrily back to his bed and flops down on it, thoroughly pleased with himself. Ah, peace and quiet~ His things should all be safe from Park I-Must-Touch-Everything Chanyeol now! And just in time for bed! He smiles angelically at Chanyeol, who is flailing on the ground like a ferret on crack, and turns off the light. "Sweet dreams, Chanyeol~"
...
The next morning, Baekhyun finally has mercy and rips the tape from Chanyeol's skin. Though he does it a little begrudgingly, because it was really so convenient -- he got the best sleep he'd had in ages, with no worries whatsoever about Chanyeol getting up in the night to touch his face or to go through his underwear drawer. But they have a schedule to get to and Chanyeol looks like he's learned his lesson, so he really has no choice.
"BAEKHYUN DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW BAD MY NOSE WAS ITCHING??!!? IT WAS ALL NIGHT, BAEKHYUN. ALL. NIGHT. IT WAS HORRIBLE, LIKE TINY ELVES WERE DANCING ON IT AND I COULDN'T GET THEM TO STOP. NEVER DO THAT TO ME AGAIN."
"Never deserve it, then," Baekhyun shrugs, and Chanyeol finally itches his nose to his heart's content.
Which actually isn't much, because it doesn't itch now that he's free to itch it.
His mouth hurts from the tape, and he pouts in Baekhyun's direction. "The tape hurttttt," he whines, and he sees in the mirror that the lower half of his face is red from it. "Kiss it and make it better."
Baekhyun rolls his eyes, but his hands settle on Chanyeol's shoulders, just like he knew they would, because Baekhyun likes skinship more than anybody. Baekhyun especially likes kissing. Especially if it's Chanyeol. "Fine," he sighs, and he tilts his head up and kisses him.
And kisses him.
...and keeps kissing him.
"Um, Baekhyun?" Chanyeol's voice is muffled, and he can only really talk out of the corner of his mouth, but this kiss has gone on for far too long and it's getting awkward. "I think that's, uh, good for now."
"Shut up, stupid, my mouth is stuck."
"...Oh."
There is a moment of contemplative silence.
"...should I try to lick us free?"
"If you so much as try it Park Chanyeol, I swear to god--"
Turns out it's really hard to fistfight someone when you're glued to them by the mouth. Also turns out duct tape residue is really strong stuff, and it can only be removed with baby oil at Joonmyun's discretion. He takes a picture first so he can blackmail them later, because behind all of his angel smiles, Joonmyun is actually probably Satan. Chanyeol has a theory.
"So, what have we learned today, kids?" he asks as he's rubbing more baby oil into Chanyeol's face.
"That Chanyeol is an idiot?"
"NUH-UH, YOU ARE."
"IF YOU'D JUST LEARN TO KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF--"
Joonmyun pulls a piece of tape slowly, deliberately.
He's leader for a reason.