Disappearing
Title: Disappearing
Pairing: Sehun/Lu Han
Rating: pg-13
Genre: angst; breakup!fic
Warning: suicidal thoughts
Summary "If you ever don't want to do this anymore, I'll disappear for you."
a/n: I said I wouldn't write any more HunHan angst, but I lied. I SWEAR I'LL WRITE THEM SOMETHING CUTE SOON. DON'T HATE ME. ㅠㅠ
For a prettier breakup fic, I'd highly highly recommend this one, because it's sad but it's also lovely.
The door clicked shut, and Sehun was left sitting alone in the dark.
He tried to take a breath, but it caught in his throat when he tried to exhale so he held it in till his lungs burned.
Maybe if he held it in long enough, he'd explode.
The tears surprised him, had him gasping, choking on stuttered breaths as his face crumpled in a way he wasn't used to, his eyes screwed tightly shut and lips quivering, and he couldn't hold himself upright anymore. He collapsed in on himself and cracked and shook into a million pieces.
It wasn't supposed to be like this.
Lu Han wasn't supposed to leave him.
...
He got up the next day without having slept, his eyes puffy and dark, but when a concerned Suho asked him what was wrong, he just shrugged his shoulders. Suho frowned and passed him his half empty bottle of sleeping pills and told him to take one before bed tonight. Sehun wondered idly how many it would take for him to never wake up.
...
M was back in China. They'd left first thing in the morning, so there was nothing he could do about it now. Lu Han had planned it that way, he knew. Sehun couldn't make him answer his phone or talk face to face. Sehun wasn't sure if that made him angry or if it kept him safe, but he didn't text, and he didn't call, even though his throat burned with words he needed to say, words he needed Lu Han to hear.
They had agreed from the beginning, hadn't they? As soon as the lines had started blurring and Lu Han had started to get scared, and Sehun hadn't wanted to be the anchor that dragged Lu Han down. "If you ever don't want to do this anymore, I'll disappear for you."
He never should have said it.
He didn't want to disappear.
...
He replayed it over and over in his mind. The way Lu Han had grabbed his arm and closed the door behind them, the fear and desperation and resignation in those wide, wide eyes, the words that poured out in Mandarin, in Korean, so fast Sehun had barely been able to follow what he was saying. But Lu Han had looked sad, and that was something he understood.
"I just don't see a future with you."
All the air had rushed out of his lungs.
"I can't do this anymore."
Lu Han's hands had gripped his arms so tightly, preventing him from reaching out, paralyzing him.
His head had been spinning so fast he hadn't been able to speak, and then Lu Han's chin was quivering and he wanted so badly to hold him but he couldn't, he couldn't because Lu Han wouldn't let him, and it hurt when Lu Han said "I'm sorry."
His arms had bruised, where Lu Han had grabbed him. It seemed ironic now, that Lu Han would hold on so tightly when he was really letting go, and Sehun laughed as he traced the shapes of Lu Han's fingers until it stung and he fell apart and cried instead.
...
The others didn't know.
They only half knew about Lu Han anyway, because it was supposed to be a game, it wasn't supposed to be anything more than a show put on for the fans. But that had stopped being fun a long time ago, when Sehun had rolled over and realized that Lu Han's face first thing in the morning, bare and dazed and open from sleep, was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.
The others didn't know, and Sehun wasn't going to tell them. He couldn't, he didn't want to, he didn't want their pity. He didn't want to talk about it.
If he didn't say it out loud, maybe it wasn't real.
God, he hoped it wasn't real.
...
K had an afternoon off and Sehun didn't know what to do with himself, so he pulled a cap low over his eyes and started walking. His feet started to take him to the bubble tea shop that Lu Han liked, but he caught himself and made a left instead of a right and ended up at the subway station. He waited on the platform with his hands in his pockets and thought about how easy it would be to take that one step forward and fall into black.
...
Sehun had never thought for even one second that Lu Han would break things off with him. Even when things were stressful and it seemed suffocating and impossible, even when they found stupid things to fight over and went to bed angry, he'd never truly believed that Lu Han would leave.
Maybe that had been naive.
He didn't cry as much as he felt like he maybe should have, because all he felt was hollow and empty. Maybe it was shock, or maybe it was denial.
Or maybe it was hope, slow and stupid and settled in the pit of his stomach. Maybe that was the reason he still checked his phone almost obsessively, even though there were never any notifications. Not from the one person he wanted to hear from.
Maybe he really was just young and stupid.
...
He finally got angry and broke and tore down all the pictures of Lu Han, of them together, down from where they'd been pinned on his wall, taped to his dresser, tucked into his wallet. He wanted to throw them away but he couldn't do it, his hands were shaking too much.
He shoved them into the back corner of his closet and told himself that was good enough.
...
Everyone knew that Lu Han was his favorite hyung. More than just the rest of EXO and their managers and their coordinators, but their fans and the people who interviewed them. It was a game everyone liked to play. "Mention Lu Han's name and Sehun will smile."
And they were right. He would.
No one knew who Lu Han's favorite was, except for Sehun. Some days, it seemed to be Xiumin. Others, Lay. But Sehun knew, or he thought he knew, that he was the only one Lu Han nuzzled his nose into when they were alone, the only one who Lu Han kissed and touched and spoke with about things like forever.
Forever.
That word hurt, and Sehun held his breath until his head started spinning and he had to inhale.
He didn't want to think about it, about whether Lu Han had ever meant a word he'd said about next week or next month or next year, about promises or about love.
How long had Lu Han been planning to break things off?
Sehun didn't know.
He wasn't sure if he wanted to.
...
The sleeping pills helped, when he took them two or three at a time, though they made him sick and sluggish the next morning.
He took them anyway.
...
Disappearing was harder than he thought.