What I have to say about the whole Open Source Brouhaha Thing....
http://vito-excalibur.livejournal.com/173664.html
Yes. Though over the years I've extended that to anyone cornering a nice person in a dimly lit corner. Or even a nicely lit museum atrium, I don't care.
Here's how, and based on years of rescuing friends, barmates, and random strangers from Creepy Guys*, here's my methods:
a) The easiest- Catch the victim's eye. If you can, hold up a finger to say, "One minute," then take a sip of your drink or eat a couple fries or whatever. This step is important. It gives the girl a moment to realize that someone notices what's going on, and that the noticee is about to do something. Walk over, and say, "OMG, Tiffany**? Hey, you remember me from Mr Laurie's math class?" This is about the time where she will either go along with it, or start to politely demur because no, she doesn't remember you at all. If she starts to politely demur, say, "C'mon, remember when Brian..." and here lean over to whisper, "Just trying to give you a nice out from the guy bothering you if you want it."
At this point, most women feel okay saying something like, "No, I don't remember, I'm sorry" or "Oh jeez, how is Brian?"
b )This is a little tougher, and you need some kind of situation going on. Karaoke, poker games, dancing something that happens at a bar. Go up to the woman and ask them a question about what's going on. Anything'll do, from, "Any idea what this song is? I swear it sounds like, um..." to "Excuse me... this may sound silly, but I have a bar bet with my friends... is that rum and coke or a Long Island iced tea?" Whatever you think will cut off the creep. Meanwhile, make frantic eye movements towards Creepo. Think loudly, "I'm here as a distraction." If nothing else, maybe Creepo will get the hint from your frantic head-jerking, if you don't care about being subtle. (And can you guess I don't?)
c) This is one I don't use often, and I usually used with my sister's friends. And this is one you kinda have to have permission or at least familiarity for ahead of time, hence the 'sisters friends' bit***. If I saw one of them and some older dude was chatting them up and they obviously had that stiff-legged, noncommittal look on their face... I'd come up and talk about family and friends. "Oh, Siobhan," I'd say, "Man, you have gotten tall! Are you what, in ninth grade now? Hey, my daughter hasn't seen you since Fourth of July, want to come see how big she's gotten? Oh, and we have the dogs! You've gotta see 'um." The point is to give a girl (and this kinda only works with teens) a nice, family-oriented excuse to walk away.
d) Is kinda-sorta creepy in and of itself, and relies on the victim's bladder. But it's the easiest and the most gentle, if you can pull it off. When she goes to the bathroom, follow her in. While you're waiting in line, ask her if she's okay with that guy badgering her around or if she'd rather do something else. Very little pressure on her, a chance to explain for you, like I said, the ideal situation unless you're a guy, she's got a gallon-size bladder, or he follows her even there- in which case call the bouncer, cause, ew.
e) If she's sitting on a bar stool or standing, you can always offer her a chair at your table. This could backfire, since the guy may just follow to the table, so only use it if you've got friends there that are willing to have a conversational swarm of sorts.
Guys? I'm looking at you, straight guys. I need your help. I don't know what the guy equivalent is to talking in the bathroom. But the next time you see a guy talking to a gal and she's doing five of the following ten, maybe less depending on the severity, take him aside and point this shit out. If a girl is:
1. Not facing him while he's talking to her
2. Has her arms over her chest and/or her body angled away fro him
3. Is only answering direct questions with yeses and nos or uh-huhs
4. Has her thumb on her cheek and her fingers on her forehead as she leans on the bar/table or other signs of exasperation
5. Is not wearing a matching wedding ring or obviously with some guy that is, I dunno, telling the Ramones story for the 400th time (Married/committed people get arrgh shutupshutup occasionally.)
6. Is casting her eyes around for a friendly face... or rolling them like crazy
7. Is pulling one of those humoring smiles. Imagine your grandmom talking about how much you look like her Uncle Johan as a photographer is snapping a picture. That.
8. Asks the bartender (or a nearby female) to keep an eye on her drink when she has to leave the bar for a second.
9. Holds onto her purse/drink/jacket with a death grip
10. Obviously underage/under employment/under whatever compared to the guy pressuring her. This is a tough one to discribe but I think most people recognize it.
Then probably she's being needlessly polite.
Now, all of that is based on my own experience, and I'm sure you've got three major questions:
Does this 'rescue' actually reinforce victimhood somehow?
Why are the men responsible for their actions, but the women aren't responsible for their reactions?
Do you have any other boobalcious shirts?
The answers are: I don't think so, since I almost always tell the people I'm doing this for what I'm doing and why I thought they might need a hand. I think of this as my version of, "I'm Spartacus!" I hope that this simple idea gives people who don't feel brave or empowered enough to say, "Leave me alone," a thought that not only are they empowered enough, they're able to do it for others. And as most people find, being able to do something for others means that doing it for ourself is a lot easier.
Second... that's a tough question. I tried in my first footnote to make it clear that straight men weren't the only aggressors, but to be honest... y'all are. No, not you personally, flist (though Rafe? I hope that boob thing is an online conceit, dahling), but when it comes to the delicate dance of who does what to whom... you have to admit males are still waaaaaaay more on the side of activists than passivists. I think there's still a sense of entitlement there- "As long as I'm being polite, she should still be talking to me!" which is vaguely true in a social aspect but not in a romantic or sexual one.
Third- not yet.
I'm sure I've missed stuff, feel free to bring it up. I don't usually do political/webgeek posts like this, so gawd knows, there's a comment on pag 14 that already said this or something. And I'm tired now. And I have to go to the gym in the morning because like an idjit, I signed up for a 9:30 class. Haha me.
*Since 99% of the time I'm dealing with creepy guys and 'being nice' girls, I'm going to slip into writing it that way, please know I've open to distracting both genders from both genders but be really, really careful when treading waters you don't usually swim in.
**Assuming you can get a name. If not, "Hey, weren't you in Mr Laurie's math class with me?" works okay too.
***Being 8 years older and willing to be a ghost big sister to a gaggle of teenage girls who constantly had sex questions... this is the part where I could be really creepy my damn self but honestly I classified them all as 'little' since I'd met most of them when they were like, six. Remind me one day to talk about my little brother's friends and when I realized they were probably letting me win wrestling matches. Ugh.
****People who sit politely through those conversations to sift out some comedy gold? My kind of people though. No, I am not always nice.
Yes. Though over the years I've extended that to anyone cornering a nice person in a dimly lit corner. Or even a nicely lit museum atrium, I don't care.
Here's how, and based on years of rescuing friends, barmates, and random strangers from Creepy Guys*, here's my methods:
a) The easiest- Catch the victim's eye. If you can, hold up a finger to say, "One minute," then take a sip of your drink or eat a couple fries or whatever. This step is important. It gives the girl a moment to realize that someone notices what's going on, and that the noticee is about to do something. Walk over, and say, "OMG, Tiffany**? Hey, you remember me from Mr Laurie's math class?" This is about the time where she will either go along with it, or start to politely demur because no, she doesn't remember you at all. If she starts to politely demur, say, "C'mon, remember when Brian..." and here lean over to whisper, "Just trying to give you a nice out from the guy bothering you if you want it."
At this point, most women feel okay saying something like, "No, I don't remember, I'm sorry" or "Oh jeez, how is Brian?"
b )This is a little tougher, and you need some kind of situation going on. Karaoke, poker games, dancing something that happens at a bar. Go up to the woman and ask them a question about what's going on. Anything'll do, from, "Any idea what this song is? I swear it sounds like, um..." to "Excuse me... this may sound silly, but I have a bar bet with my friends... is that rum and coke or a Long Island iced tea?" Whatever you think will cut off the creep. Meanwhile, make frantic eye movements towards Creepo. Think loudly, "I'm here as a distraction." If nothing else, maybe Creepo will get the hint from your frantic head-jerking, if you don't care about being subtle. (And can you guess I don't?)
c) This is one I don't use often, and I usually used with my sister's friends. And this is one you kinda have to have permission or at least familiarity for ahead of time, hence the 'sisters friends' bit***. If I saw one of them and some older dude was chatting them up and they obviously had that stiff-legged, noncommittal look on their face... I'd come up and talk about family and friends. "Oh, Siobhan," I'd say, "Man, you have gotten tall! Are you what, in ninth grade now? Hey, my daughter hasn't seen you since Fourth of July, want to come see how big she's gotten? Oh, and we have the dogs! You've gotta see 'um." The point is to give a girl (and this kinda only works with teens) a nice, family-oriented excuse to walk away.
d) Is kinda-sorta creepy in and of itself, and relies on the victim's bladder. But it's the easiest and the most gentle, if you can pull it off. When she goes to the bathroom, follow her in. While you're waiting in line, ask her if she's okay with that guy badgering her around or if she'd rather do something else. Very little pressure on her, a chance to explain for you, like I said, the ideal situation unless you're a guy, she's got a gallon-size bladder, or he follows her even there- in which case call the bouncer, cause, ew.
e) If she's sitting on a bar stool or standing, you can always offer her a chair at your table. This could backfire, since the guy may just follow to the table, so only use it if you've got friends there that are willing to have a conversational swarm of sorts.
Guys? I'm looking at you, straight guys. I need your help. I don't know what the guy equivalent is to talking in the bathroom. But the next time you see a guy talking to a gal and she's doing five of the following ten, maybe less depending on the severity, take him aside and point this shit out. If a girl is:
1. Not facing him while he's talking to her
2. Has her arms over her chest and/or her body angled away fro him
3. Is only answering direct questions with yeses and nos or uh-huhs
4. Has her thumb on her cheek and her fingers on her forehead as she leans on the bar/table or other signs of exasperation
5. Is not wearing a matching wedding ring or obviously with some guy that is, I dunno, telling the Ramones story for the 400th time (Married/committed people get arrgh shutupshutup occasionally.)
6. Is casting her eyes around for a friendly face... or rolling them like crazy
7. Is pulling one of those humoring smiles. Imagine your grandmom talking about how much you look like her Uncle Johan as a photographer is snapping a picture. That.
8. Asks the bartender (or a nearby female) to keep an eye on her drink when she has to leave the bar for a second.
9. Holds onto her purse/drink/jacket with a death grip
10. Obviously underage/under employment/under whatever compared to the guy pressuring her. This is a tough one to discribe but I think most people recognize it.
Then probably she's being needlessly polite.
Now, all of that is based on my own experience, and I'm sure you've got three major questions:
Does this 'rescue' actually reinforce victimhood somehow?
Why are the men responsible for their actions, but the women aren't responsible for their reactions?
Do you have any other boobalcious shirts?
The answers are: I don't think so, since I almost always tell the people I'm doing this for what I'm doing and why I thought they might need a hand. I think of this as my version of, "I'm Spartacus!" I hope that this simple idea gives people who don't feel brave or empowered enough to say, "Leave me alone," a thought that not only are they empowered enough, they're able to do it for others. And as most people find, being able to do something for others means that doing it for ourself is a lot easier.
Second... that's a tough question. I tried in my first footnote to make it clear that straight men weren't the only aggressors, but to be honest... y'all are. No, not you personally, flist (though Rafe? I hope that boob thing is an online conceit, dahling), but when it comes to the delicate dance of who does what to whom... you have to admit males are still waaaaaaay more on the side of activists than passivists. I think there's still a sense of entitlement there- "As long as I'm being polite, she should still be talking to me!" which is vaguely true in a social aspect but not in a romantic or sexual one.
Third- not yet.
I'm sure I've missed stuff, feel free to bring it up. I don't usually do political/webgeek posts like this, so gawd knows, there's a comment on pag 14 that already said this or something. And I'm tired now. And I have to go to the gym in the morning because like an idjit, I signed up for a 9:30 class. Haha me.
*Since 99% of the time I'm dealing with creepy guys and 'being nice' girls, I'm going to slip into writing it that way, please know I've open to distracting both genders from both genders but be really, really careful when treading waters you don't usually swim in.
**Assuming you can get a name. If not, "Hey, weren't you in Mr Laurie's math class with me?" works okay too.
***Being 8 years older and willing to be a ghost big sister to a gaggle of teenage girls who constantly had sex questions... this is the part where I could be really creepy my damn self but honestly I classified them all as 'little' since I'd met most of them when they were like, six. Remind me one day to talk about my little brother's friends and when I realized they were probably letting me win wrestling matches. Ugh.
****People who sit politely through those conversations to sift out some comedy gold? My kind of people though. No, I am not always nice.