Sure
He was sure he had kissed people before. He had girlfriends and boyfriends back in high school and they had all been physically attracted to him. Plus Joon was such a physical person in the first place he must have at some point. No he definitely had. But for some reason none of it was coming back to him right now and fuck Seungho’s mouth was right there.
How long had they been like this? Not the tension, well, of course the tension. But besides that, how long had they physically been on top of each other like this? It was a compromising position to get found in, if it was one of the members they would make fun of them sure, but they would never rat them out. One of the staff on the other hand…
This couldn’t go in a magazine. Fans weren’t allowed to know that Joon had ever been on top of Seungho like this, straddling his hips, Joon’s hands pressed up besides the older boy’s head which was tilted ever so slightly back against the wall. It could be alluded to, they could dream, but it couldn’t get out and they both knew that. And yet here they were, neither one of them moving, simply staring back at each other blankly as everything rushed through their heads too quickly creating a collective pounding.
Shit.
Seungho had moved and now they were kissing and Lee Joon had started thinking about this awhile ago, when he first realized how he was leaned over Seungho’s body in fact. How Seungho had separated his legs the tiniest amount, unconsciously responding to the boy in front of him. Lee Joon had meant to remember how to kiss, how to make-out properly, but now they were teeth and tongues and wet and sloppy and warm and …and it was hot.
Fuck, it was hot and Joon couldn’t believe they had been doing something before this in this room because what was it a hundred degrees in here? How were they even still alive? Why was he so stupid? Why was he still thinking? He was kissing Seungho.
Holy fuck he was kissing Seungho.
Suddenly his hands were on Seungho’s chest and he shoved himself back panting over him.
“You know they nicknamed you Panda.”
“What?”
“The fans. Because of your dark circles, they nicknamed you Panda.”
“Oh.”
And then they were doing it. They were fucking doing it again, they were kissing and it was so wrong because this should have happened differently, not that Joon could remember how it happened and then it was over because Seungho was now shoving him off and he rolled onto his back lying limply on the floor his chest still heaving.
Cheondung stood there in the doorway blankly for a moment. He hadn’t seen but he couldn’t not know. Between the swollenness of Seungho’s lips and the glaze over Lee Joon’s eyes, the poor boy looked like a sick animal. He knew. He so fucking knew.
“The cat is in the garden.”
“What?”
Cheondung smiled and it freaked Joon out how much he looked like Dara got stretched taller by a taffy machine. “I’m going start saying that when you guys need to cut it out so you don’t get caught. Then we can be like spies.”
“How the hell does that make us like spies?” But Seungho was laughing too hard to respond and Cheondung was already gone whistling down the hallway.
“Joon, Rain-hyung wants to talk to you.” Mir handed him the phone and his heart sped up because he always loved talking to his beloved idol and hearing his advice on how he could improve or praise for dancing on a show. But this time Rain kept his call short,
“If what I think is happening, is happening, it better not be.”
G.O. laughed at Joon’s face as he listened to the line go dead. “Just stop doing it in interviews.” He patted Joon on the back and Joon felt like he was going to fall perpetually forward.
“Doing what? We’re not even doing anything!” He cried desperately as Mir walked past.
Mir shoved a cookie into his mouth, “Whatever hyung.” And kept walking.
Seungho was barley acknowledging his existence now and it was everyone else’s fault. Why the hell was everyone being such a cockblock? Not that Joon had thought about, like other stuff. But now Seungho wasn’t even awkwardly exchanging eye contact or anything and it was so frustrating and he had no one to talk to and the whole thing felt so hopeless he was pretty sure he was going to cry.
He stood in the mirror watching himself. He liked the dance studio more than the dorm when he was mad because he felt like it was better to do something physical when his thoughts overwhelmed him then to keep dwelling on stuff but he had to keep stopping because this was eating him alive and all his movements looked like crap and this was all just wrong.
He considered hitting the showers so at least if someone saw him they wouldn’t really know whether he was really crying or it was the shower. But God how hard was this supposed to be?
They had kissed. Once.
Well twice, but just because he had interrupted it with that stupid comment about Seungho’s dark circles. So once really.
Was that how first kisses were supposed to go? Was it sluttly that it was open mouthed? Did Seungho think he was too easy? Were they supposed to go slower? But they hadn’t done anything since so it wasn’t really that bad, one kiss over two months…and he had been looking at Seungho like he wanted to kiss him for five months.
Did that make him gay?
Not that he wasn’t into guys before, it was just he had also been into girls. And now he was into…Seungho. Was there a word for that?
“You’re in love.” He spun around violently almost tripping over himself as Rain appeared behind him in the mirror. Onew must have been rubbing off on him. He had even made a pun last night at dinner.
“I told you not to.” Rain sighed deeply like he was just too damn old for this and put his hands on his hips. Joon stood uncomfortably as he looked up at his mentor.
“I-”
“Let me finish.” Joon nodded gratefully because really, he didn’t know what he was going to say anyway.
“Love happens so rarely, and I mean any kind of love, that when real love comes you have to take it. You can’t be worried if it’s selfish or right. You have to just make sure you let it happen, and not compare it to anyone else or anything else because it’s never going to be comparable and it’s not supposed to be. You have to never take it for granted, never. Nothing lasts forever, but you get to decide how it ends.” He shifted his weight and sighed again but this time Rain smiled a little. “And if you need anything, ask G.O. because I don’t want to deal with it.”
Joon nodded solemnly and wondered how everyone knew. How everyone knew and yet he was still so unsure. Nothing had even happened yet. Well hardly anyway.
“Come here.” Rain pulled Joon into a hug. “Don’t worry so much okay?”
And Joon felt silly as fat tears hit Rain’s shoulder but he felt better even if he still felt awful and he knew now that it was his turn to do something.
“Seungho?”
“Yeah?”
“Can I talk to you?”
“Joon, it’s the middle of the night.”
He swallowed knowing there was no way Seungho could see him right now because the leader’s room was completely dark but he felt like he was under a spotlight and his whole body had a fever.
He swayed in the door way hesitant as he heard Seungho sit up, and then he must have walked over because Seungho’s hand was around his and it wasn’t really bigger, but it felt like it right now and he stood in front of Joon as their eyes made out just the outlines of each other.
They had been affectionate in many ways before, the whole group was, but somehow this time Joon knew it was Seungho saying he was ready, and he was sorry, and he was scared to. His hand warm against Lee Joon’s cold one.
“I don’t know how to do it.”
“I mean I know, but that doesn’t mean I can, like, well.”
“What if I’m actually really boring?”
“What if I suck at sucking cock?”
“You can’t suck at sucking cock.”
“What do you mean? How would you know?”
“I’ve seen you with ice cream.”
“I’m sorry I took so long to realize.”
“I took longer.”
“Am I allowed to call you Panda?”
They smiled at each other just standing there holding hands, unable to see in the dark. Until Joon’s arm feel asleep but he still didn’t want to let go. Seungho pulled him over to the bed and they wrapped themselves up in each other. Breathing each other, sharing something they were afraid they might never get to, but now that they were and it was perfect. They were happy, Joon nuzzled into Seungho’s neck,
And they were cute as fuck.