(omg i is commenting!) I would say no to last verse, as i dont think it fits in with the rest of the poem, tonewise or structure-wise. Buuut i dont think you should leave it as it is (or would be) either.
The first verse reminded me of River from Firefly ("The sun came out, i walked with my feet, heard with my ears.....but i know it wont last...")
Hmm...I don't know. I feel like having it is better than leaving it, but it seems funny either way...I can't decide. Maybe it's the verse before (indivduals/rituatls gives an odd rhythm? I don't know, I can't think)
On another note, you sound rather unhappy. I'd propose getting more sleeping, but it seems your creative faculties are more functional late at night, and I'd hate to disregard them.
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I would say no to last verse, as i dont think it fits in with the rest of the poem, tonewise or structure-wise. Buuut i dont think you should leave it as it is (or would be) either.
The first verse reminded me of River from Firefly ("The sun came out, i walked with my feet, heard with my ears.....but i know it wont last...")
*hugs*
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*hugs back* believe me, I am entirely happy. unfortunately, I am also prone to random impulses at 2am when I should be sleeping ---arggh.
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On another note, you sound rather unhappy. I'd propose getting more sleeping, but it seems your creative faculties are more functional late at night, and I'd hate to disregard them.
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^__^ ^.^ :D
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