HAPPY MOTHERFUCKIN NEW YEAR!!!!
Happy new year ya'll!
You know the drill, a look back on this past year. Compile the first post for every month in '07 and post it.
January 07
Going Batshit Crazy
I’m on a crash course to the end of the world
Trying to brace myself when there’s nothing to hold
Using the past as a map I could never read
Trying to get learn from the mistakes that ever repeat
Truth is my breath and I’m drowning in lies
Everyone else can just close their ignorant eyes
It’s fire and brimstone like they had always said
I can see it everywhere and now, it’s in my head
And would you look at that, I’m going
I’m dying, I’m sinking
But now look away, I’m going
In over my head
He’s singing my song
I’m trying to sing along
But my lips are sew shut
And he’s dancing away
He’s singing my death
I’m trying to catch my breath
And he’s taking me apart
Deep, from the inside
Thousands of faceless people staring me down
Weaving their webs and watching me drown
Unsure and unconcerned they let me now scream
But God forbid I should in their presence dream
And God, oh to him should I pray once more
Deity deaf ears to grind, chew, spit until soul is sore
Trying to speak what truth I can draw from me
Trying to tear away the blindfolds so all an see
And would you look at that, I’m going
I’m falling, I’m folding
But now look away, I’m going
In over my head
He’s singing what I can’t speak
I’m faltering, he knows I’m weak
He’s got my words all backwards
They’re wrong and he’s laughing
He’s singing my death
I’m trying to catch my breath
And he’s taking me apart
Deep, from the inside
Sweet insanity
February 07
See No Evil, Speak No Evil, Hear No Evil
Bloodied pinprick.
You're a needle covered in acid and under my skin...
Coin toss.
Do I wheedle you out or just bleed to death again?
You were blind.
Terrible, hurtful, gone and I wanted to PICK YOU APART!
With your needles, your whispers, your breath
Back to your needles, morbid and every last word
They would slither from your mouth, into my mind
Watch me TEAR ME UP INSIDE BURN YOU DOWN RIP YOU TO SHREDS
But oh, I forgot you're blind
Burning ashes.
You're a match that is stuck to my fingers and burning me...
A gamble.
Don't I need that hurt, that heart that pulse under my skin?
You were stupid.
Careless, smiling until even my barest bones were sore
With your ashes, your change and burning bridges
Back to your ashes, sorrow and you're still the same
We're still the same, you're still burning me and
YOU NEVER HAD TO HOLD THE MATCH
But oh, I forgot you're dumb and blind
Yet here I am SCREAMING ALL THESE f---ED UP BROKEN THINGS
And you never hear
Never heard
But oh, I forgot you're deaf, dumb and blind
March 07
Skin Deep
Whisper through the cracks in the door
Push away all my cherished dreams
Gently now, fall apart, shed that light
Hardened skin, like clothes, from my soul
Every blink is a small death
Beauty breaking under blind eyes
Don't you know how a heart beats?
Every pulse is beautiful
Take it down, I don't want these walls
Caked with the dust of the past and cracking
What use are these stains on them
Remains of precious memories, shattered
Smear the blood around and make it count
You'll get no more from me
My veins have sealed with poison
And hate the pulse that pushes
No matter the beauty
April 07
So I've got this condition that first appeared a year and a half ago when I started taking anti-depressants. It's a sharp pain in what feels undeniably like my heart, that wanes and wans like waves inside my heart, shooting up my neck and down my left arm. This has been going on in episodes lasting from 5 minutes to 1 1/2 hours and bounces between a rather small and annoying pain to about the amount of pain a normal woman feels in cramps while on her period.
Well, earlier today, round 4pm an episode started, rather mildly, and I was rather annoyed...within an hour the pain soared to heights I haven't seen since my back and joint problems, and very occasionally (once or twice in the 6 hour session) to complete and total incapacitating, crippling pain. After 4 hours, I figure...somethings up, so we call Keith and an emergency hotline, both of which tell me to go to an emergency room A.S.A.P. 2 hours in a waiting room, 3 hours in a hospital bed, an E.K.G, chest x-ray, and blood test later, they tell me it's nothing serious, I probably have a pinched nerve, here's some painkillers, come back in 6 weeks if it's not better, or go see your doctor.
9 hours of pain...still having it.
What a fucking DRAG.
May 07
Here's To How Fucking Special You Swore I Was
Intense and pushing, passionate you say
Yet hurt dribbles from your lips
Your eyes are dark and hooded
I am guarded under your fingertips
They whisper sex and a smile
Why can't you take no for an answer?
So I am cheap to you
Easily thrown away
Whenever anger comes
'Cause you didn't get your way
You're stubborn and stationary
So set in your love and care
It's your fault these walls are up
I want to be open and bare
My head aches all the time now
Trying to justify your words
You're careless, and insatiable
What the hell do you want from me?
Is it anything I can give?
Are you done making me feel useless?
Feel obligated to you?
Feel like a whore?
I don't just give myself to anyone
And even if I could
I still would have said no to you
Not yes, like you think I should
I'm not usable, not throw-away
And I think that's ALL you wanted
Weaseling your way under my skin
But I stand undaunted
I have a love
I have a hope
A commitment
And I've met much worse-off
Fucked-up, jack ass guys
That could, at least,
Respect it.
June 07
Oh, Happy Dagger (Edited from original piece)
once upon a time
a time so far or near
that not once, but an infinite times
did it happen
a love was wrought
that didn't wane or wan with the tides
it stayed true
but the lies seeped in through the cracks
the more that life took love
to heal itself
the more that life took tears
so it could cry
the more that life took blood
to satisfy
the more that the wind blew
and took my breath away
I knew that he didn't love me
when I lay at the roots of trees
I could feel they're silent prayers
that I would realize just in time
and break away with un-torn wings
and then one day with the coming of dawn
when a sunset lay itself down
I knew then that something had happened
my love had slipped away
he had gone to another bed
in another place
in another time
and left me cold and bare
he loved me well
in his time, on his terms
but even lies
they die like everything
and pretending gets harder with time
so love me well
and take me back
to my love where I belong
oh, happy dagger
July 07
Remembering Is Dangerous If You're A Junkie
My eyes are candles
Burning the inside of my skull
Setting fire to the memories
Paper thin and oh-so-fragile fingertips
Needling into me, under my skin
Deep in my head
I am smiling
Floating and frozen in my veins
Praying
The nightmares hurt now
I'm trying to bury myself away
Reaching for you in the dark
And finding worse than empty space
Echoing through my limbs
So that I am numb and missing
Those memories
I am smiling
Crushing myself with time
Laughing
I'm raising my hands
Waiting for you to touch me
Bring me back from this
Take me back from this
The only thing I want more
Is you
Deep in my head
August 07
I Wish You'd Never Let Them Find Me
Ribbons threaded through your fingertips
Press against my eyelids while I'm
Watching you in the mirror, dreaming
Heart beat pushing at me
Missing you hard and fast
Like a crash-landing inside my head
And you're smiling still
Even though I've blown up inside
And they're doing a body-count
Your touch is soothing to my mind
To the memories that are soaking up
Whatever sense I've managed to hide
From the love-demon rampaging through me
I miss the large hands that cradled me
Hushed me and wrapped me safe
In a bundle of sleep and love
Your hands seem to be so busy lately
And though my mind is a war zone
I may be confused and scared and feeling
So alone while crawling, unnoticed through
The corners of my still reaching soul
I realize how bad I am at taking care of me
How bad I miss your eyes full of only me
I really just miss your hands
Pushing the breath from my frightened sobs
And wrapping me in ribbons
Safe
September 07
My journal has been re-done thanks to the lovely lovely Sandra. Her journal is linked in my userinfo....So GET OFF YOUR FRIEND PAGES AND TAKE A LOOK-SIE!!!!!
October 07
I'm staying up in humbolt county with my gram and my aunt...I'm not sure how long. But I'm thinking a couple of weeks...I'll keep you posted. They're paying me well for housework, and I don't have to pay rent or for food, so I figure this is a great opportunity to get up some monies.
I do have limited internet access, but unfortunatly, we are so far into the boonies there's no cell reception, and no house phone. I'll call some of you when I finally get into town sometime this week.
Miss you all
Love to you.
November 07
Alright guys. I miss all of you absolutely TERRIBLY. Just so you know. I've got some good news and some bad news.
Good news:
I'm still at my uncles and I should be coming back into the bay area a few days after thanksgiving.
Bad news:
My kitten, Izzy is dying of some unknown illness...He just won't move, or eat, I've been giving him chicken broth and water by spoon feeding. Limp as a rag doll. He was perfectly fine, although a little skinny (he feels emaciated today) yesterday, cuddled, ate, played, went potty all like normal. Now he can't even barely move his head. So Prayers to any god would be appreciated. I do love him alot.
More Good News:
I HAD been feeling pretty good of late. Not depressed or nothing. (As I expected that I would because of the breakup) But, I'm seemingly really okay about it all. Now with the kitten I'm super stressed.
Anywho. Miss you all, can't wait to see you, give me a ring round that time if you want to hang.
-D
December 07
I Wove The Noose, I Cut Me Down
In and out, I'm an ocean inside baby
Turning around and inside out now
Fragile and weak inside baby
Chaos stirs my nightmares again
Shaking hands laid open for you
Sometimes I can't breathe but for you
Sometimes breathing's the only thing I can do
And please, make me a stone inside
Because if I go on, I go on for you
And without you, all I am is pain
In and out, my heart adores you baby
Turning around and inside out again
Pushing the life back inside baby
I beat so gently dreaming again
Shaking wrists laid open for you
Sometimes I can't breathe but for you
Sometimes breathing's the only thing I can do
Please, please make me strong again
Because if I hurt, I hurt for you
And without you, all I am is pain
I am glass and shaking
Teetering on the aftershock
Tired of hanging I thought
To let myself down
Shaking mind laid open for you
You know the drill, a look back on this past year. Compile the first post for every month in '07 and post it.
January 07
Going Batshit Crazy
I’m on a crash course to the end of the world
Trying to brace myself when there’s nothing to hold
Using the past as a map I could never read
Trying to get learn from the mistakes that ever repeat
Truth is my breath and I’m drowning in lies
Everyone else can just close their ignorant eyes
It’s fire and brimstone like they had always said
I can see it everywhere and now, it’s in my head
And would you look at that, I’m going
I’m dying, I’m sinking
But now look away, I’m going
In over my head
He’s singing my song
I’m trying to sing along
But my lips are sew shut
And he’s dancing away
He’s singing my death
I’m trying to catch my breath
And he’s taking me apart
Deep, from the inside
Thousands of faceless people staring me down
Weaving their webs and watching me drown
Unsure and unconcerned they let me now scream
But God forbid I should in their presence dream
And God, oh to him should I pray once more
Deity deaf ears to grind, chew, spit until soul is sore
Trying to speak what truth I can draw from me
Trying to tear away the blindfolds so all an see
And would you look at that, I’m going
I’m falling, I’m folding
But now look away, I’m going
In over my head
He’s singing what I can’t speak
I’m faltering, he knows I’m weak
He’s got my words all backwards
They’re wrong and he’s laughing
He’s singing my death
I’m trying to catch my breath
And he’s taking me apart
Deep, from the inside
Sweet insanity
February 07
See No Evil, Speak No Evil, Hear No Evil
Bloodied pinprick.
You're a needle covered in acid and under my skin...
Coin toss.
Do I wheedle you out or just bleed to death again?
You were blind.
Terrible, hurtful, gone and I wanted to PICK YOU APART!
With your needles, your whispers, your breath
Back to your needles, morbid and every last word
They would slither from your mouth, into my mind
Watch me TEAR ME UP INSIDE BURN YOU DOWN RIP YOU TO SHREDS
But oh, I forgot you're blind
Burning ashes.
You're a match that is stuck to my fingers and burning me...
A gamble.
Don't I need that hurt, that heart that pulse under my skin?
You were stupid.
Careless, smiling until even my barest bones were sore
With your ashes, your change and burning bridges
Back to your ashes, sorrow and you're still the same
We're still the same, you're still burning me and
YOU NEVER HAD TO HOLD THE MATCH
But oh, I forgot you're dumb and blind
Yet here I am SCREAMING ALL THESE f---ED UP BROKEN THINGS
And you never hear
Never heard
But oh, I forgot you're deaf, dumb and blind
March 07
Skin Deep
Whisper through the cracks in the door
Push away all my cherished dreams
Gently now, fall apart, shed that light
Hardened skin, like clothes, from my soul
Every blink is a small death
Beauty breaking under blind eyes
Don't you know how a heart beats?
Every pulse is beautiful
Take it down, I don't want these walls
Caked with the dust of the past and cracking
What use are these stains on them
Remains of precious memories, shattered
Smear the blood around and make it count
You'll get no more from me
My veins have sealed with poison
And hate the pulse that pushes
No matter the beauty
April 07
So I've got this condition that first appeared a year and a half ago when I started taking anti-depressants. It's a sharp pain in what feels undeniably like my heart, that wanes and wans like waves inside my heart, shooting up my neck and down my left arm. This has been going on in episodes lasting from 5 minutes to 1 1/2 hours and bounces between a rather small and annoying pain to about the amount of pain a normal woman feels in cramps while on her period.
Well, earlier today, round 4pm an episode started, rather mildly, and I was rather annoyed...within an hour the pain soared to heights I haven't seen since my back and joint problems, and very occasionally (once or twice in the 6 hour session) to complete and total incapacitating, crippling pain. After 4 hours, I figure...somethings up, so we call Keith and an emergency hotline, both of which tell me to go to an emergency room A.S.A.P. 2 hours in a waiting room, 3 hours in a hospital bed, an E.K.G, chest x-ray, and blood test later, they tell me it's nothing serious, I probably have a pinched nerve, here's some painkillers, come back in 6 weeks if it's not better, or go see your doctor.
9 hours of pain...still having it.
What a fucking DRAG.
May 07
Here's To How Fucking Special You Swore I Was
Intense and pushing, passionate you say
Yet hurt dribbles from your lips
Your eyes are dark and hooded
I am guarded under your fingertips
They whisper sex and a smile
Why can't you take no for an answer?
So I am cheap to you
Easily thrown away
Whenever anger comes
'Cause you didn't get your way
You're stubborn and stationary
So set in your love and care
It's your fault these walls are up
I want to be open and bare
My head aches all the time now
Trying to justify your words
You're careless, and insatiable
What the hell do you want from me?
Is it anything I can give?
Are you done making me feel useless?
Feel obligated to you?
Feel like a whore?
I don't just give myself to anyone
And even if I could
I still would have said no to you
Not yes, like you think I should
I'm not usable, not throw-away
And I think that's ALL you wanted
Weaseling your way under my skin
But I stand undaunted
I have a love
I have a hope
A commitment
And I've met much worse-off
Fucked-up, jack ass guys
That could, at least,
Respect it.
June 07
Oh, Happy Dagger (Edited from original piece)
once upon a time
a time so far or near
that not once, but an infinite times
did it happen
a love was wrought
that didn't wane or wan with the tides
it stayed true
but the lies seeped in through the cracks
the more that life took love
to heal itself
the more that life took tears
so it could cry
the more that life took blood
to satisfy
the more that the wind blew
and took my breath away
I knew that he didn't love me
when I lay at the roots of trees
I could feel they're silent prayers
that I would realize just in time
and break away with un-torn wings
and then one day with the coming of dawn
when a sunset lay itself down
I knew then that something had happened
my love had slipped away
he had gone to another bed
in another place
in another time
and left me cold and bare
he loved me well
in his time, on his terms
but even lies
they die like everything
and pretending gets harder with time
so love me well
and take me back
to my love where I belong
oh, happy dagger
July 07
Remembering Is Dangerous If You're A Junkie
My eyes are candles
Burning the inside of my skull
Setting fire to the memories
Paper thin and oh-so-fragile fingertips
Needling into me, under my skin
Deep in my head
I am smiling
Floating and frozen in my veins
Praying
The nightmares hurt now
I'm trying to bury myself away
Reaching for you in the dark
And finding worse than empty space
Echoing through my limbs
So that I am numb and missing
Those memories
I am smiling
Crushing myself with time
Laughing
I'm raising my hands
Waiting for you to touch me
Bring me back from this
Take me back from this
The only thing I want more
Is you
Deep in my head
August 07
I Wish You'd Never Let Them Find Me
Ribbons threaded through your fingertips
Press against my eyelids while I'm
Watching you in the mirror, dreaming
Heart beat pushing at me
Missing you hard and fast
Like a crash-landing inside my head
And you're smiling still
Even though I've blown up inside
And they're doing a body-count
Your touch is soothing to my mind
To the memories that are soaking up
Whatever sense I've managed to hide
From the love-demon rampaging through me
I miss the large hands that cradled me
Hushed me and wrapped me safe
In a bundle of sleep and love
Your hands seem to be so busy lately
And though my mind is a war zone
I may be confused and scared and feeling
So alone while crawling, unnoticed through
The corners of my still reaching soul
I realize how bad I am at taking care of me
How bad I miss your eyes full of only me
I really just miss your hands
Pushing the breath from my frightened sobs
And wrapping me in ribbons
Safe
September 07
My journal has been re-done thanks to the lovely lovely Sandra. Her journal is linked in my userinfo....So GET OFF YOUR FRIEND PAGES AND TAKE A LOOK-SIE!!!!!
October 07
I'm staying up in humbolt county with my gram and my aunt...I'm not sure how long. But I'm thinking a couple of weeks...I'll keep you posted. They're paying me well for housework, and I don't have to pay rent or for food, so I figure this is a great opportunity to get up some monies.
I do have limited internet access, but unfortunatly, we are so far into the boonies there's no cell reception, and no house phone. I'll call some of you when I finally get into town sometime this week.
Miss you all
Love to you.
November 07
Alright guys. I miss all of you absolutely TERRIBLY. Just so you know. I've got some good news and some bad news.
Good news:
I'm still at my uncles and I should be coming back into the bay area a few days after thanksgiving.
Bad news:
My kitten, Izzy is dying of some unknown illness...He just won't move, or eat, I've been giving him chicken broth and water by spoon feeding. Limp as a rag doll. He was perfectly fine, although a little skinny (he feels emaciated today) yesterday, cuddled, ate, played, went potty all like normal. Now he can't even barely move his head. So Prayers to any god would be appreciated. I do love him alot.
More Good News:
I HAD been feeling pretty good of late. Not depressed or nothing. (As I expected that I would because of the breakup) But, I'm seemingly really okay about it all. Now with the kitten I'm super stressed.
Anywho. Miss you all, can't wait to see you, give me a ring round that time if you want to hang.
-D
December 07
I Wove The Noose, I Cut Me Down
In and out, I'm an ocean inside baby
Turning around and inside out now
Fragile and weak inside baby
Chaos stirs my nightmares again
Shaking hands laid open for you
Sometimes I can't breathe but for you
Sometimes breathing's the only thing I can do
And please, make me a stone inside
Because if I go on, I go on for you
And without you, all I am is pain
In and out, my heart adores you baby
Turning around and inside out again
Pushing the life back inside baby
I beat so gently dreaming again
Shaking wrists laid open for you
Sometimes I can't breathe but for you
Sometimes breathing's the only thing I can do
Please, please make me strong again
Because if I hurt, I hurt for you
And without you, all I am is pain
I am glass and shaking
Teetering on the aftershock
Tired of hanging I thought
To let myself down
Shaking mind laid open for you