How far did you go? Does it matter?
The wonderful thing for me is I never went as far as some. Or is it so wonderful?
Never got a DUI.
Never got arrested (except for that little thing at 15yo...
My paranoid dealer never shot me with his 357...nor did I kill anyone.
Never lost a job.
The problem was NEVER alcohol, although it caused me problems.
The problem was NEVER drugs, though they caused me problems.
The problem was never the "stuff" that happened to me.
The consequences merely beat me into a state of reasonableness where I was able to even begin to consider that there even WAS a problem.
The problem was me. Within me. My inner condition. My inner turmoil which necessitated that I try to "fix" it some way.
So why am I here?
I came to 12 step programs because I was told I was supposed to. "You are alcoholic." "You are an addict," I was told.
But then I heard all the "stuff". And after a couple years I reconsidered. I thought, "Maybe it wasn't so bad."
I sat on the fence. I wondered, "had I made a big deal out of nothing?"
Thank god someone asked me the right questions.
I was asked,
Was I able to give up liquor(drugs) entirely when I was given good reason for it? I was given plenty of reasons, but always drank again. And again.
Where have I had sufficiently strong reasons not to drink (drug), which enabled me to stop or moderate?
I could stop. I just couldn't stay stopped. The times that looked like moderation were far and few between and usually because the opportunity to continue wasn't possible.
Where had I lost all control over the amount of alcohol I consumed, once I started to drink? I didn't have ALL control. Therefore I lost ALL control. Believe it or not, nonalcoholics/addicts actually can control it...(an alien concept to me)
Where had I believed that if I remained sober for a long enough stretch, I could thereafter drink normally?
Commencing to drink after a period of sobriety, was I in a short time as bad as ever?
Where have I made promises or guarantees to quit drinking, only to find I could not do so?
Where had I been absolutely unable to stop drinking on the basis of self-knowledge (counseling, rehabs, philosophy, self help books)?
Where has my will power and self- knowledge failed to protect me from the first drink?
these are just a FEW of the questions I was asked. Not like the stuff my shrink asked me. Or they asked me in "treatment"
I remember being asked in 'treatment' to 'compute' how much money I spent over the years on alcohol/drugs and the costs of that. As if a higher number makes me more or less alcoholic? Bullshit. It has to do with what happens when I put the shit in my body.
I went just as far. A "bottom" is a spiritual (inner) experience. I have seen people lose houses, cars, businesses, homes, families... And keep going. What matters is an inner loss. I lost it all. I lost a sense of direction. All purpose. I lost all ability to love and be loved. I lost all ability to care. I lost my sense of self. I lost my sanity. I lost all will to live.
THAT is how far I went. THAT is what matters.
Do you have to? I don't believe anyone HAS to become mentally and spiritually bankrupt. A potential alcoholic can work a 12 step program (or find spiritual healing another way) and become "well". Awareness of a problem is half the battle. Well...not half. But a good beginning.
Sometimes I wish I HAD gone as far as others. Perhaps I would have seen the problem sooner? Perhaps I wouldn't have suffered IN SOBRIETY not knowing who or what I was? Who is to say. But I can say this: I am grateful for ALL the struggles and hardships. I wouldn't be sober and here alive, had I not.
Never got a DUI.
Never got arrested (except for that little thing at 15yo...
My paranoid dealer never shot me with his 357...nor did I kill anyone.
Never lost a job.
The problem was NEVER alcohol, although it caused me problems.
The problem was NEVER drugs, though they caused me problems.
The problem was never the "stuff" that happened to me.
The consequences merely beat me into a state of reasonableness where I was able to even begin to consider that there even WAS a problem.
The problem was me. Within me. My inner condition. My inner turmoil which necessitated that I try to "fix" it some way.
So why am I here?
I came to 12 step programs because I was told I was supposed to. "You are alcoholic." "You are an addict," I was told.
But then I heard all the "stuff". And after a couple years I reconsidered. I thought, "Maybe it wasn't so bad."
I sat on the fence. I wondered, "had I made a big deal out of nothing?"
Thank god someone asked me the right questions.
I was asked,
Was I able to give up liquor(drugs) entirely when I was given good reason for it? I was given plenty of reasons, but always drank again. And again.
Where have I had sufficiently strong reasons not to drink (drug), which enabled me to stop or moderate?
I could stop. I just couldn't stay stopped. The times that looked like moderation were far and few between and usually because the opportunity to continue wasn't possible.
Where had I lost all control over the amount of alcohol I consumed, once I started to drink? I didn't have ALL control. Therefore I lost ALL control. Believe it or not, nonalcoholics/addicts actually can control it...(an alien concept to me)
Where had I believed that if I remained sober for a long enough stretch, I could thereafter drink normally?
Commencing to drink after a period of sobriety, was I in a short time as bad as ever?
Where have I made promises or guarantees to quit drinking, only to find I could not do so?
Where had I been absolutely unable to stop drinking on the basis of self-knowledge (counseling, rehabs, philosophy, self help books)?
Where has my will power and self- knowledge failed to protect me from the first drink?
these are just a FEW of the questions I was asked. Not like the stuff my shrink asked me. Or they asked me in "treatment"
I remember being asked in 'treatment' to 'compute' how much money I spent over the years on alcohol/drugs and the costs of that. As if a higher number makes me more or less alcoholic? Bullshit. It has to do with what happens when I put the shit in my body.
I went just as far. A "bottom" is a spiritual (inner) experience. I have seen people lose houses, cars, businesses, homes, families... And keep going. What matters is an inner loss. I lost it all. I lost a sense of direction. All purpose. I lost all ability to love and be loved. I lost all ability to care. I lost my sense of self. I lost my sanity. I lost all will to live.
THAT is how far I went. THAT is what matters.
Do you have to? I don't believe anyone HAS to become mentally and spiritually bankrupt. A potential alcoholic can work a 12 step program (or find spiritual healing another way) and become "well". Awareness of a problem is half the battle. Well...not half. But a good beginning.
Sometimes I wish I HAD gone as far as others. Perhaps I would have seen the problem sooner? Perhaps I wouldn't have suffered IN SOBRIETY not knowing who or what I was? Who is to say. But I can say this: I am grateful for ALL the struggles and hardships. I wouldn't be sober and here alive, had I not.