The Intrinsic Happiness Quotient (5/?)
Okaaaaay. So, I hope everyone likes this. I know there was a lot of grumbling about Part 4 :o) Just remember that good things come to those who wait. So enjoy Part 5 and leave comments coz they totally speed the writing along. *Off to finish Part 6*
Title: The Intrinsic Happiness Quotient (5/?)
Spoilers: Everything up to and including 2 X 23
Rating: R (if I’m encouraged to go there)
Word Count: 4,052
Disclaimer: Not mine... although I wish I had my own Sheldon *sigh*
PART FIVE: OF FAITH AND FALLACY
“Hey guys!” Penny called out as she strolled into the boys’ apartment, laden with Thai takeout. “Where’s Sheldon?” she asked as she set the food down on the kitchen counter. Leonard and Raj went to help her, while Howard fiddled with the TV.
“Hi, Pe... Pen..ny.” Raj stammered, not quite looking at her.
“Awww, Raj, sweetie - that’s amazing!” She threw her arms around him in a big hug. He didn’t quite return it and just patted her on the back. It didn’t hold a candle to a Sheldon hug.
“Hey, Sheldon.” Speak of the devil, she thought as she saw Sheldon over Raj’s shoulder. Grinning happily at him, she let Raj go as her body almost naturally gravitated towards Sheldon, without her even realizing it, because she was so focused on his face. He really was so adorable - the stubble from this morning was gone, more’s the pity, but the longish hair had not yet been cut. She had never actually noticed it on the webcam since he always wore a ski-cap. It suited him and she couldn’t drag her gaze away from him.
“Hello, Penny,” he intoned, looking down at her, the tiniest of smiles playing about his lips.
She was quite unable to curb her enthusiasm. It was just so good to have him back home. With a silly giggle that came out of nowhere, she threw her arms around his neck, pulled him down towards her and snuggled in close. She sighed contentedly but he remained impassive.
“Social convention didn’t end this morning, moonpie,” she reminded him mischievously. He moved his head slightly causing her lips accidentally brushing his earlobe as she spoke.
An unbidden, forceful need to suck on that earlobe hit her like a Mack truck to the solar plexus.
Oh. My. God.
She was so distracted by the wayward, lustful thought that she almost didn’t realize that Sheldon had indeed hugged her back - briefly - and was now prying her arms away from around his neck. Flushing hotly, she ducked her head, turned away from him and set about grabbing a plate and filling it with food. She made inane chatter to cover up her embarrassment and went to sit down on the couch.
In Sheldon’s spot.
This time though - it was completely unintentional.
Sheldon, having gotten a plate of his own, made his way to the couch just at the exact moment that her posterior touched his seat cushion.
She looked up at him - not unlike a deer caught in the electric blue headlights of an oncoming Sheldon. He looked down at her.
And for a few seconds, she could have sworn there was some alien - for Sheldon - emotion that flitted across his face.
Could it be... tenderness?
Penny shook her head as if to clear it and the look vanished, in its place was a supercilious raised eyebrow.
She scooted over to the middle seat, and he sat down next to her. He angled his body towards the television, and the movement brought his knee into contact with hers. A sudden jolt shot through her body from that tiny point where their knees had briefly touched. They exchanged startled glances and then looked away almost instantaneously. The conversation was ebbing and flowing around them but at this point it was just a background hum that she couldn’t hear over the drumbeat of her heart.
Penny shovelled a forkful of fried rice into her mouth just so that she had something else to do instead of being super-aware of Sheldon and his proximity to her. Was it her imagination, or was his body radiating heat? She leaned forward, picked up her bottle of ginger ale from the coffee table and took a healthy swig, almost wishing it was something stronger.
“Oh look,” Howard said, from the right side of the couch, “It’s your commercial again, Penny. Oh man, missed it... They’ll show it again though, they always do.”
“Have you guys seen it yet?” Leonard asked of Sheldon and Raj. Raj shook his head.
“No - I believe it just came out this past week. That and streaming video was not always available with our limited internet resources on the research station.” Sheldon added. He had leaned forward, elbows on knees, in interest when Howard noted the Honey Puffs ad on TV.
Penny watched him as he spoke, or rather - she watched his mouth move, her own mouth slightly open as she exhaled in little puffs.
How had she never noticed the way his mouth moved when he spoke? Or how full his bottom lip was. Her breathing became a little shallower, and she attempted to swallow another spoonful of rice past the unexpected lump in her throat.
“...don’t you think, Penny? Penny?” She started as Sheldon elbowed her lightly in the arm.
“Huh? What?”
“You weren’t even listening!” Leonard whined.
“Uhh...sorry - what were you saying?”
“Nevermind, I just...” he was interrupted by the doorbell ringing.
It was such an unexpected and unusual occurrence since the only people who went in and out of the apartment were already in the apartment, and no one ever rang the doorbell, that they spent a full minute just staring at each other.
“Oh, good Lord!” Sheldon was the first to recover, but he looked pointedly at Leonard, seated in the armchair next to him, who shrugged and went to answer the door. Penny smothered a smile at that. She was apparently so much off her rocker that even Sheldon’s high-handedness was adorable, and had been greatly missed while he was away.
Oh, that’s right, she reminded herself. She was just nervous and jittery because she was still getting used to having him back - after months of just having him on her laptop screen. There was a bit of awkwardness when they first met too, right? This was kind of the same thing - she was sure her stupid, wayward thoughts would subside by tomorrow, when Sheldon’s routine was sure to return to normal, and then everything would be fine...
“Oh, hey Ryan.”
Oh, crap, was the first thought that popped into Penny’s mind.
Ryan - she had forgotten all about him in the wake of Sheldon’s return home. The fact that they had made plans for tonight had completely slipped her mind until now.
“There you are, Penny,” Ryan dimpled at her after fist-pumping Howard. She felt Sheldon stiffen at her side. The hair on the nape of her neck unaccountably stood on end.
“Hi, Ryan.” The smile she gave him was a little forced, and apparently he noticed because he blinked in confusion and for wont of something to do or say, turned to Leonard.
“Are these your buddies from the Arctic?”
“Yeah,” Leonard smiled. “This is Raj and that’s Sheldon.” Raj stood and held out his hand and Ryan shook it before leaning over the coffee table and offering his hand to Sheldon.
Sheldon stared at him in stoic silence, one eyebrow raised in questioningly in the direction of Ryan’s out-stretched hand. Ryan, obviously unnerved, looked to Penny for some sort of signal as to how to proceed. He had heard enough about Sheldon to not be immediately insulted.
“Play nice, Sheldon,” Leonard encouraged, and Sheldon reluctantly shook Ryan’s hand.
“Leonard - why is this man in our apartment?”
“Sheldon!” The admonishment was loud, seeing as how it was simultaneously voiced by four different people. Sheldon remained unperturbed.
“Sheldon,” Leonard jumped in when it appeared that Penny wasn’t about to, “Ryan - Ryan is Penny’s... boyfriend.” He sounded wistful, and Penny just barely refrained from rolling her eyes at his continued inability to let go already! It had been months since their last ‘date’ and Leonard had been seeing this girl he met at the comic book store.
“I see.” She could almost feel Sheldon’s accusatory glare burn a hole in her head but she studiously refused to look at him, and instead focused on Ryan.
Gorgeous, wonderful Ryan. Ryan with the classic good looks of a California surfer, although he had never been on a surfboard in his life; he was all blue eyes and wavy blond hair; strong, lean, muscular body; and a dimpled smile to die for. It all went perfectly with his heart-of-gold, boy-next-door, sweet disposition. He was an amazing man - easily the best boyfriend she had ever had - sexy and cool - she was really lucky.
And she had somehow neglected to mention his existence to Sheldon. All right, maybe it was more like she had, accidentally on purpose, forgot to mention his existence to Sheldon.
There had just never been the right moment to bring him up in conversation, although why she felt she needed the right moment to tell Sheldon about Ryan, still eluded her.
“We had a date tonight, Penny - or did you forget again?” Ryan asked her, his voice gently teasing.
“Oh, Ryan - I did! I’m sorry - it’s just that with Sheldon coming back - and my rehearsal - oh, and Raj, too, of course - it slipped my mind. Oh, right! We were supposed to go see that new Sandra Bullock movie.”
“Dear Lord, please don’t tell me they made a sequel to the Lake House!” Sheldon's haughty demeanour momentarily took second place to his horror at the mere thought.
“Relax, sweetie - if they ever did that - you’re the only one I would want to see that movie with!” She grinned at him. He glared at her, before abruptly standing up.
“Don’t let us keep you from your...date,” he ground out.
“I haven’t even finished my dinner.”
“Then the fact that it was brought here in a take-out container is both convenient and fortuitous.”
“What?” Penny asked in a tone that bordered on dangerous, standing up to face him. Leonard, Howard and Raj froze in place, Raj with his fork an inch from his mouth, their gazes riveted to Sheldon and Penny. “Are you implying that we should leave?”
“You had a pre-arranged appointment with this man we know nothing about. I suggest you keep it.”
“You know what you can do with that suggestion, right?”
“Even I know that it’s rude to stand someone up.”
“I forgot, okay?” she said through clenched teeth, “things have been a little hectic recently”.
“Well, you’ve not only been reminded by his presence here, in our apartment, uninvited I might add, you also have ample opportunity to make it to the movie theatre before the usual seven o’clock showings if you leave now.”
“What the hell is the matter with you?” She gave in and demanded, completely confounded by his behaviour, and not at all certain what had set him off.
“Penny,” he started in a steely tone that he usually reserved for people like Leslie Winkle and Eric Gablehauser, “I think you should leave and take - him - with you.”
She stared at him, stunned. His face was impassive, although she noted he was slightly flushed, his eyes were stony, but something wild lurked in their depths, and he seemed to be struggling to keep his temper in check.
“Excuse me? You’re kicking me out? What - ” she mocked, with a dark laugh, “did I somehow earn three strikes without even realizing it?”
“Yes!” he exclaimed loudly, looming over her, anger etched into every nuance of his face. “Strike One: Deception. Strike Two: Trickery. Strike Three: Bringing over Thai food from a takeout place that is not on my pre-sanctioned list of restaurants!” Sheldon ranted, getting shriller by the second. “You’re banished!”
“I’m banished?” she screeched right back at him. “I didn’t hear you complaining five minutes ago when you downed half your plate! And now, I’m banished?”
“I was attempting politeness in light of your generosity but it is no longer warranted.” He turned abruptly and headed to the kitchen and dumped the rest of the contents of his plate in the trash.
A quick glance at the rest of the guys, including Ryan - all of whom were now somehow standing in the kitchen and sporting identical, almost comically shocked expressions - told her that they were as taken aback by Sheldon’s outburst as she was.
Sheldon turned away from her, and addressing the room in general, said, “Ryan - it is not my intention to make you feel unwelcome but I see no reason to expand my social circle beyond my current friends,” he glowered briefly over his shoulder at Penny before continuing. “If everyone else wishes to do so, it is entirely their prerogative but please count me out, because I didn’t even know of your existence until today. Now, if you will excuse me - I have some data to analyse.” He was two steps away from the back hallway when the doorbell rang again.
Penny ignored it and went after Sheldon, grabbing him by the elbow just before he could scurry off to the safety of his bedroom.
“So I forgot to mention Ryan to you!” she hissed at him in an undertone. “So what? It does not mean you can be rude to him. I didn’t deceive you - I didn’t trick you - I don’t even know what the hell you’re talking about! I’ve been busy and distracted and I missed you, you idiot, and why the hell are you acting this way? Don’t you realize how much you’re hurting my feelings?” Tears sprung into her eyes from finally giving voice to her thoughts.
“I’m hurting your feelings? Right, because I couldn’t possibly have any feelings myself. Well, forgive me if I thought you..., if I thought we... if I thought... Good grief - what was I thinking?” His mouth trembled, and his face wobbled alarmingly, like he was about to cry too.
He looked hurt, and strangely scared and Penny felt her heart lurch in her chest at the accusing glare in his eyes, and she didn’t understand any of it. Sheldon, however, quickly composed himself, and took a deep breath.
“Well, it’s obvious, that no matter what I thought, Penny,” he whispered, his expression shuttered again, “that I thought wrong. And for the first time in my life, I feel stupid,” he muttered almost to himself, looking incensed, looking at her as if it was somehow all her fault.
Penny was astounded and confused and was about to ask him to explain himself when she noticed how hushed it had suddenly become. Both she and Sheldon glanced at the door in unison, but she was the one who did the double take.
Penny could have sworn she heard a dull thud as her jaw dropped to the floor, for standing in the doorway before a stunned-looking Leonard was the singularly most beautiful woman Penny had ever seen in real life.
An awed hush had fallen over the men in the room.
The woman smiled and Penny realized that she bore a striking similarity to a young Catherine Zeta-Jones. She had long, flowing, silky black hair, a flawless olive complexion, exotic dark eyes - and she made Penny feel frumpier than a bag lady on a bad day.
It took her about three seconds to realize that this woman could only be the female physicist Sheldon had worked with for the past five months.
Had been alone with 24/7 - cooped up in a shack, in the Arctic, with no one else around but Raj around. And she hadn’t quite believed his description - how many times had she teased him about it?
Jealousy stabbed her like a hot poker in the chest. She carefully schooled her expression into politeness as Leonard babbled incoherently.
“Helloooo,” Howard greeted their visitor, smarmy smile at full force. How he had moved from the kitchen to the door in the blink of an eye was anybody’s guess. “Howard Wolowitz,” he introduced himself, taking her hand and raising it to his lips. “Enchanté.”
She could almost hear Sheldon’s shackles rise up.
Not to mention Howard’s libido.
“Back off, Howard!” This came, surprisingly, from Raj. Howard ignored him.
“And who might you be?” he asked her.
“I might be Jordan Mendes,” she told him. “And apparently I have you to thank for your er... mishap with a crossbow that resulted in certain parts of your anatomy getting frostbitten.” Her honeyed voice was rendered almost melodic by the laughter she was suppressing. Howard blushed.
Penny’s lips pursed in distaste as Jordan flashed Howard a high wattage smile that would reduce him to incoherent drooling if she kept it up any longer. Which, for Howard, would be an improvement, Penny thought caustically, shaking her head. Sheldon left the hallway and moved closer to the door and Penny followed until she stood next to him.
“I’m Leonard Hoffstadter,” Leonard introduced himself, and Jordan shook his hand.
“I have, of course, heard a lot about you - and I really must apologize for not meeting with you in the lab this morning. I had to go meet my cousin for lunch.” Jordan’s wide smile encompassed everyone in the room as she was ushered in. Her gaze zeroed in on Penny.
“You must be Penny.”
“Must I?” An expertly tweezed, perfectly arched eyebrow rose at her curt response.
Leonard, looking like he had just stepped into the twilight zone in his own apartment, hurriedly introduced Jordan to Ryan.
“...and of course, you already know Sheldon and Raj,” he finished lamely, still very obviously distracted by her beauty.
“Those names do sound familiar,” Jordan smiled slyly, before walking up to Raj and giving him a hug. He reciprocated, whispered something in her ear, and gestured in Howard’s direction. Jordan grinned and whispered to him, and Penny could have sworn that Raj blushed to the roots of his hair. The she turned her dazzling smile onto Sheldon.
“Dr. Cooper,” Jordan greeted him with a smirk as she sashayed - yes, sashayed - over to Sheldon. Brazen hussy, Penny thought, gripped by a fit of rage. Just who the hell did this woman think she was? These were her boys! It was like that time when Alicia moved into 5A, only much, much worse.
“Dr. Mendes,” Sheldon intoned, his voice a couple of octaves deeper than usual, his eyes hooded and sexy. Penny’s eyes widened and her mouth dropped open in shock.
What the fuck?
Penny realized with a start that she had just used Sheldon and sexy in the same sentence. Again. Once could have been attributed to temporary insanity, twice was terrifying. Was she losing her mind? A quick glance at Leonard and Howard showed that they were staring at Sheldon too, mouths agape. Not just her then.
Fuck.
Then she almost had a heart attack as Jordan dropped the teasing, mock-formal manner, grinned up at Sheldon and leaned up to give him a soft kiss on his cheek.
Penny, Leonard and Howard gasped in unison.
Fuuuucccckkkk.
And Sheldon had just stood there and let her kiss him. And then he had the nerve to return her impish smile.
Penny’s hands just inexplicably itched to hog tie and castrate him.
And when she was done doing that, then she was going to pull out every single hair from Jordan Mendes’ pretty little head.
“I thought you were spending the night in Malibu,” Sheldon commented, and Penny couldn’t help feeling irritated that he would pay attention to Jordan’s comings and goings that closely.
She didn’t know how to feel about the fact that he had taken Jordan’s kiss in his stride. He hadn’t even flinched. He hadn’t run to his handy bottle of hand-sanitizer. He had just stood there and let some strange woman kiss him.
Even, she - Penny - had never dared to do that!
“I changed my mind when Michele suggested that we go clubbing. You know how I feel about frivolous past times such as that.”
“A wise decision, I’m sure.”
“I thought my time would be better spent with you guys.”
“An eminently wise decision,” Sheldon’s smile, as he looked down at Jordan, was actually affectionate, and something inside Penny... died. “Did you have any particular activity in mind?”
“I’ve already eaten, but I was hoping I could convince you to go out for dessert that-isn’t-freeze-dried and chamomile tea.”
“An excellent notion. I have a few suggestions as to where we can go.”
“I’m yours to command as usual, Squadron Leader. But first, I’d like to use the restroom.” Sheldon showed her the way before looking to the guys.
“Will you join us?” Raj nodded and covered up his half-eaten meal, and the other two hastily followed suit. Sheldon disappeared into his bedroom.
Penny seethed. Rage - pure and unadulterated built up inside her. Heat started somewhere in her mid-section and rose until every inch of her exposed skin was flushed red with anger. She stomped to the kitchen and threw her plate - luckily it was plastic, not that she would have given a damn at the time - and its contents into the trash and whirled on the room in general.
“Come on, Ryan!” she yelled, loud enough that her voice resonated in every corner of the apartment. She stalked to the door and threw it open. “Let’s go on that date - and then for dessert, we’ll have some sex!” The door slammed shut behind her.
The four men in the living room were silent for a full minute before Ryan spoke.
“I’m not a genius scientist - so I’d be really grateful if one of you could explain what the hell just happened.”
“Who needs an explanation? A gorgeous woman just asked you to have sex with her. Why the hell are you wasting time with us?”
“Howard!”
“Dude.”
“I’m just saying.”
“I better go find Penny. Is it all right to feel a little afraid?”
“Yeah, Ryan - she can go junior rodeo on you.”
“She only threatens Sheldon with that though.”
“She did almost break my nose once.”
“You did hit on her, Howard.”
“I hit on anything female, Leonard.”
“Dude, it was inappropriate. She was trying to be nice to you, remember?”
“Umm... is it just me or is there some sort of tension with her and Sheldon?”
“Ryan - there’s always tension when those two are in a room together.”
“Unless they’re playing video games. Er... and not against each other.”
“Or making Penny Blossoms.”
“Penny whatsits?”
“Blossoms - how can you not know about those? Didn’t she show you the website I made for her?”
“I’ll be sure to check that out, Leonard. But did any of you pick up on why they were going at it this time?”
“Who knows?”
“I can never keep up.”
“Those two operate on their own frequency, dude.”
“Right. So... er, I’m gonna go now.”
“Well, it was nice knowing you.”
“Oh, Sheldon, Jordan - Ryan was just leaving.”
“Enjoy your date.”
“Yeah, right. I mean, thanks, Sheldon. G’night, guys.”
“Ryan?” Penny threw open the door. “Are you coming sometime tonight?” She asked sharply.
“I was just saying goodnight to the guys, Penny.” His handsome face was confused and just a little bit scared.
Penny felt sorry for him - it certainly wasn’t his fault that Sheldon had picked tonight of all nights - after five months of being sweet and wonderful - to become a colossal prick.
And after all that they had been through too. All those zany midnight conversations about anything and everything. All - apparently for nothing.
She felt like bursting into tears, but there was no way she was giving into that impulse. She took a deep calming breath as Ryan shuffled out the door, and directed her death glare gaze at Sheldon Stupid Cooper.
“FYI Sheldon, three months ago, the Thai Express that was on your pre-approved list of restaurants was renamed the Lotus Blossom. Same management, same staff and food handlers, same suppliers - I double-checked it all. They just got on Restaurant Makeover, which is a reality TV show, and made a bunch of changes to their decor and the new name went better with their new colour scheme, according to Chef Li - you remember him, right? He certainly remembered you!” Penny finished, her breath coming in spurts as she struggled to rein in her temper. “Just so you know - because I would never get your Welcome-Home-from-the-freakin’-Arctic dinner from a restaurant that was NOT ON YOUR GODDAM LIST, YOU JERK!”
And with that last shouted tirade, the sobs that she could no longer control bubbled to the surface, and rather than have everyone see - she stormed out, slamming the door to 4A behind her.
Title: The Intrinsic Happiness Quotient (5/?)
Spoilers: Everything up to and including 2 X 23
Rating: R (if I’m encouraged to go there)
Word Count: 4,052
Disclaimer: Not mine... although I wish I had my own Sheldon *sigh*
PART FIVE: OF FAITH AND FALLACY
“Hey guys!” Penny called out as she strolled into the boys’ apartment, laden with Thai takeout. “Where’s Sheldon?” she asked as she set the food down on the kitchen counter. Leonard and Raj went to help her, while Howard fiddled with the TV.
“Hi, Pe... Pen..ny.” Raj stammered, not quite looking at her.
“Awww, Raj, sweetie - that’s amazing!” She threw her arms around him in a big hug. He didn’t quite return it and just patted her on the back. It didn’t hold a candle to a Sheldon hug.
“Hey, Sheldon.” Speak of the devil, she thought as she saw Sheldon over Raj’s shoulder. Grinning happily at him, she let Raj go as her body almost naturally gravitated towards Sheldon, without her even realizing it, because she was so focused on his face. He really was so adorable - the stubble from this morning was gone, more’s the pity, but the longish hair had not yet been cut. She had never actually noticed it on the webcam since he always wore a ski-cap. It suited him and she couldn’t drag her gaze away from him.
“Hello, Penny,” he intoned, looking down at her, the tiniest of smiles playing about his lips.
She was quite unable to curb her enthusiasm. It was just so good to have him back home. With a silly giggle that came out of nowhere, she threw her arms around his neck, pulled him down towards her and snuggled in close. She sighed contentedly but he remained impassive.
“Social convention didn’t end this morning, moonpie,” she reminded him mischievously. He moved his head slightly causing her lips accidentally brushing his earlobe as she spoke.
An unbidden, forceful need to suck on that earlobe hit her like a Mack truck to the solar plexus.
Oh. My. God.
She was so distracted by the wayward, lustful thought that she almost didn’t realize that Sheldon had indeed hugged her back - briefly - and was now prying her arms away from around his neck. Flushing hotly, she ducked her head, turned away from him and set about grabbing a plate and filling it with food. She made inane chatter to cover up her embarrassment and went to sit down on the couch.
In Sheldon’s spot.
This time though - it was completely unintentional.
Sheldon, having gotten a plate of his own, made his way to the couch just at the exact moment that her posterior touched his seat cushion.
She looked up at him - not unlike a deer caught in the electric blue headlights of an oncoming Sheldon. He looked down at her.
And for a few seconds, she could have sworn there was some alien - for Sheldon - emotion that flitted across his face.
Could it be... tenderness?
Penny shook her head as if to clear it and the look vanished, in its place was a supercilious raised eyebrow.
She scooted over to the middle seat, and he sat down next to her. He angled his body towards the television, and the movement brought his knee into contact with hers. A sudden jolt shot through her body from that tiny point where their knees had briefly touched. They exchanged startled glances and then looked away almost instantaneously. The conversation was ebbing and flowing around them but at this point it was just a background hum that she couldn’t hear over the drumbeat of her heart.
Penny shovelled a forkful of fried rice into her mouth just so that she had something else to do instead of being super-aware of Sheldon and his proximity to her. Was it her imagination, or was his body radiating heat? She leaned forward, picked up her bottle of ginger ale from the coffee table and took a healthy swig, almost wishing it was something stronger.
“Oh look,” Howard said, from the right side of the couch, “It’s your commercial again, Penny. Oh man, missed it... They’ll show it again though, they always do.”
“Have you guys seen it yet?” Leonard asked of Sheldon and Raj. Raj shook his head.
“No - I believe it just came out this past week. That and streaming video was not always available with our limited internet resources on the research station.” Sheldon added. He had leaned forward, elbows on knees, in interest when Howard noted the Honey Puffs ad on TV.
Penny watched him as he spoke, or rather - she watched his mouth move, her own mouth slightly open as she exhaled in little puffs.
How had she never noticed the way his mouth moved when he spoke? Or how full his bottom lip was. Her breathing became a little shallower, and she attempted to swallow another spoonful of rice past the unexpected lump in her throat.
“...don’t you think, Penny? Penny?” She started as Sheldon elbowed her lightly in the arm.
“Huh? What?”
“You weren’t even listening!” Leonard whined.
“Uhh...sorry - what were you saying?”
“Nevermind, I just...” he was interrupted by the doorbell ringing.
It was such an unexpected and unusual occurrence since the only people who went in and out of the apartment were already in the apartment, and no one ever rang the doorbell, that they spent a full minute just staring at each other.
“Oh, good Lord!” Sheldon was the first to recover, but he looked pointedly at Leonard, seated in the armchair next to him, who shrugged and went to answer the door. Penny smothered a smile at that. She was apparently so much off her rocker that even Sheldon’s high-handedness was adorable, and had been greatly missed while he was away.
Oh, that’s right, she reminded herself. She was just nervous and jittery because she was still getting used to having him back - after months of just having him on her laptop screen. There was a bit of awkwardness when they first met too, right? This was kind of the same thing - she was sure her stupid, wayward thoughts would subside by tomorrow, when Sheldon’s routine was sure to return to normal, and then everything would be fine...
“Oh, hey Ryan.”
Oh, crap, was the first thought that popped into Penny’s mind.
Ryan - she had forgotten all about him in the wake of Sheldon’s return home. The fact that they had made plans for tonight had completely slipped her mind until now.
“There you are, Penny,” Ryan dimpled at her after fist-pumping Howard. She felt Sheldon stiffen at her side. The hair on the nape of her neck unaccountably stood on end.
“Hi, Ryan.” The smile she gave him was a little forced, and apparently he noticed because he blinked in confusion and for wont of something to do or say, turned to Leonard.
“Are these your buddies from the Arctic?”
“Yeah,” Leonard smiled. “This is Raj and that’s Sheldon.” Raj stood and held out his hand and Ryan shook it before leaning over the coffee table and offering his hand to Sheldon.
Sheldon stared at him in stoic silence, one eyebrow raised in questioningly in the direction of Ryan’s out-stretched hand. Ryan, obviously unnerved, looked to Penny for some sort of signal as to how to proceed. He had heard enough about Sheldon to not be immediately insulted.
“Play nice, Sheldon,” Leonard encouraged, and Sheldon reluctantly shook Ryan’s hand.
“Leonard - why is this man in our apartment?”
“Sheldon!” The admonishment was loud, seeing as how it was simultaneously voiced by four different people. Sheldon remained unperturbed.
“Sheldon,” Leonard jumped in when it appeared that Penny wasn’t about to, “Ryan - Ryan is Penny’s... boyfriend.” He sounded wistful, and Penny just barely refrained from rolling her eyes at his continued inability to let go already! It had been months since their last ‘date’ and Leonard had been seeing this girl he met at the comic book store.
“I see.” She could almost feel Sheldon’s accusatory glare burn a hole in her head but she studiously refused to look at him, and instead focused on Ryan.
Gorgeous, wonderful Ryan. Ryan with the classic good looks of a California surfer, although he had never been on a surfboard in his life; he was all blue eyes and wavy blond hair; strong, lean, muscular body; and a dimpled smile to die for. It all went perfectly with his heart-of-gold, boy-next-door, sweet disposition. He was an amazing man - easily the best boyfriend she had ever had - sexy and cool - she was really lucky.
And she had somehow neglected to mention his existence to Sheldon. All right, maybe it was more like she had, accidentally on purpose, forgot to mention his existence to Sheldon.
There had just never been the right moment to bring him up in conversation, although why she felt she needed the right moment to tell Sheldon about Ryan, still eluded her.
“We had a date tonight, Penny - or did you forget again?” Ryan asked her, his voice gently teasing.
“Oh, Ryan - I did! I’m sorry - it’s just that with Sheldon coming back - and my rehearsal - oh, and Raj, too, of course - it slipped my mind. Oh, right! We were supposed to go see that new Sandra Bullock movie.”
“Dear Lord, please don’t tell me they made a sequel to the Lake House!” Sheldon's haughty demeanour momentarily took second place to his horror at the mere thought.
“Relax, sweetie - if they ever did that - you’re the only one I would want to see that movie with!” She grinned at him. He glared at her, before abruptly standing up.
“Don’t let us keep you from your...date,” he ground out.
“I haven’t even finished my dinner.”
“Then the fact that it was brought here in a take-out container is both convenient and fortuitous.”
“What?” Penny asked in a tone that bordered on dangerous, standing up to face him. Leonard, Howard and Raj froze in place, Raj with his fork an inch from his mouth, their gazes riveted to Sheldon and Penny. “Are you implying that we should leave?”
“You had a pre-arranged appointment with this man we know nothing about. I suggest you keep it.”
“You know what you can do with that suggestion, right?”
“Even I know that it’s rude to stand someone up.”
“I forgot, okay?” she said through clenched teeth, “things have been a little hectic recently”.
“Well, you’ve not only been reminded by his presence here, in our apartment, uninvited I might add, you also have ample opportunity to make it to the movie theatre before the usual seven o’clock showings if you leave now.”
“What the hell is the matter with you?” She gave in and demanded, completely confounded by his behaviour, and not at all certain what had set him off.
“Penny,” he started in a steely tone that he usually reserved for people like Leslie Winkle and Eric Gablehauser, “I think you should leave and take - him - with you.”
She stared at him, stunned. His face was impassive, although she noted he was slightly flushed, his eyes were stony, but something wild lurked in their depths, and he seemed to be struggling to keep his temper in check.
“Excuse me? You’re kicking me out? What - ” she mocked, with a dark laugh, “did I somehow earn three strikes without even realizing it?”
“Yes!” he exclaimed loudly, looming over her, anger etched into every nuance of his face. “Strike One: Deception. Strike Two: Trickery. Strike Three: Bringing over Thai food from a takeout place that is not on my pre-sanctioned list of restaurants!” Sheldon ranted, getting shriller by the second. “You’re banished!”
“I’m banished?” she screeched right back at him. “I didn’t hear you complaining five minutes ago when you downed half your plate! And now, I’m banished?”
“I was attempting politeness in light of your generosity but it is no longer warranted.” He turned abruptly and headed to the kitchen and dumped the rest of the contents of his plate in the trash.
A quick glance at the rest of the guys, including Ryan - all of whom were now somehow standing in the kitchen and sporting identical, almost comically shocked expressions - told her that they were as taken aback by Sheldon’s outburst as she was.
Sheldon turned away from her, and addressing the room in general, said, “Ryan - it is not my intention to make you feel unwelcome but I see no reason to expand my social circle beyond my current friends,” he glowered briefly over his shoulder at Penny before continuing. “If everyone else wishes to do so, it is entirely their prerogative but please count me out, because I didn’t even know of your existence until today. Now, if you will excuse me - I have some data to analyse.” He was two steps away from the back hallway when the doorbell rang again.
Penny ignored it and went after Sheldon, grabbing him by the elbow just before he could scurry off to the safety of his bedroom.
“So I forgot to mention Ryan to you!” she hissed at him in an undertone. “So what? It does not mean you can be rude to him. I didn’t deceive you - I didn’t trick you - I don’t even know what the hell you’re talking about! I’ve been busy and distracted and I missed you, you idiot, and why the hell are you acting this way? Don’t you realize how much you’re hurting my feelings?” Tears sprung into her eyes from finally giving voice to her thoughts.
“I’m hurting your feelings? Right, because I couldn’t possibly have any feelings myself. Well, forgive me if I thought you..., if I thought we... if I thought... Good grief - what was I thinking?” His mouth trembled, and his face wobbled alarmingly, like he was about to cry too.
He looked hurt, and strangely scared and Penny felt her heart lurch in her chest at the accusing glare in his eyes, and she didn’t understand any of it. Sheldon, however, quickly composed himself, and took a deep breath.
“Well, it’s obvious, that no matter what I thought, Penny,” he whispered, his expression shuttered again, “that I thought wrong. And for the first time in my life, I feel stupid,” he muttered almost to himself, looking incensed, looking at her as if it was somehow all her fault.
Penny was astounded and confused and was about to ask him to explain himself when she noticed how hushed it had suddenly become. Both she and Sheldon glanced at the door in unison, but she was the one who did the double take.
Penny could have sworn she heard a dull thud as her jaw dropped to the floor, for standing in the doorway before a stunned-looking Leonard was the singularly most beautiful woman Penny had ever seen in real life.
An awed hush had fallen over the men in the room.
The woman smiled and Penny realized that she bore a striking similarity to a young Catherine Zeta-Jones. She had long, flowing, silky black hair, a flawless olive complexion, exotic dark eyes - and she made Penny feel frumpier than a bag lady on a bad day.
It took her about three seconds to realize that this woman could only be the female physicist Sheldon had worked with for the past five months.
Had been alone with 24/7 - cooped up in a shack, in the Arctic, with no one else around but Raj around. And she hadn’t quite believed his description - how many times had she teased him about it?
Jealousy stabbed her like a hot poker in the chest. She carefully schooled her expression into politeness as Leonard babbled incoherently.
“Helloooo,” Howard greeted their visitor, smarmy smile at full force. How he had moved from the kitchen to the door in the blink of an eye was anybody’s guess. “Howard Wolowitz,” he introduced himself, taking her hand and raising it to his lips. “Enchanté.”
She could almost hear Sheldon’s shackles rise up.
Not to mention Howard’s libido.
“Back off, Howard!” This came, surprisingly, from Raj. Howard ignored him.
“And who might you be?” he asked her.
“I might be Jordan Mendes,” she told him. “And apparently I have you to thank for your er... mishap with a crossbow that resulted in certain parts of your anatomy getting frostbitten.” Her honeyed voice was rendered almost melodic by the laughter she was suppressing. Howard blushed.
Penny’s lips pursed in distaste as Jordan flashed Howard a high wattage smile that would reduce him to incoherent drooling if she kept it up any longer. Which, for Howard, would be an improvement, Penny thought caustically, shaking her head. Sheldon left the hallway and moved closer to the door and Penny followed until she stood next to him.
“I’m Leonard Hoffstadter,” Leonard introduced himself, and Jordan shook his hand.
“I have, of course, heard a lot about you - and I really must apologize for not meeting with you in the lab this morning. I had to go meet my cousin for lunch.” Jordan’s wide smile encompassed everyone in the room as she was ushered in. Her gaze zeroed in on Penny.
“You must be Penny.”
“Must I?” An expertly tweezed, perfectly arched eyebrow rose at her curt response.
Leonard, looking like he had just stepped into the twilight zone in his own apartment, hurriedly introduced Jordan to Ryan.
“...and of course, you already know Sheldon and Raj,” he finished lamely, still very obviously distracted by her beauty.
“Those names do sound familiar,” Jordan smiled slyly, before walking up to Raj and giving him a hug. He reciprocated, whispered something in her ear, and gestured in Howard’s direction. Jordan grinned and whispered to him, and Penny could have sworn that Raj blushed to the roots of his hair. The she turned her dazzling smile onto Sheldon.
“Dr. Cooper,” Jordan greeted him with a smirk as she sashayed - yes, sashayed - over to Sheldon. Brazen hussy, Penny thought, gripped by a fit of rage. Just who the hell did this woman think she was? These were her boys! It was like that time when Alicia moved into 5A, only much, much worse.
“Dr. Mendes,” Sheldon intoned, his voice a couple of octaves deeper than usual, his eyes hooded and sexy. Penny’s eyes widened and her mouth dropped open in shock.
What the fuck?
Penny realized with a start that she had just used Sheldon and sexy in the same sentence. Again. Once could have been attributed to temporary insanity, twice was terrifying. Was she losing her mind? A quick glance at Leonard and Howard showed that they were staring at Sheldon too, mouths agape. Not just her then.
Fuck.
Then she almost had a heart attack as Jordan dropped the teasing, mock-formal manner, grinned up at Sheldon and leaned up to give him a soft kiss on his cheek.
Penny, Leonard and Howard gasped in unison.
Fuuuucccckkkk.
And Sheldon had just stood there and let her kiss him. And then he had the nerve to return her impish smile.
Penny’s hands just inexplicably itched to hog tie and castrate him.
And when she was done doing that, then she was going to pull out every single hair from Jordan Mendes’ pretty little head.
“I thought you were spending the night in Malibu,” Sheldon commented, and Penny couldn’t help feeling irritated that he would pay attention to Jordan’s comings and goings that closely.
She didn’t know how to feel about the fact that he had taken Jordan’s kiss in his stride. He hadn’t even flinched. He hadn’t run to his handy bottle of hand-sanitizer. He had just stood there and let some strange woman kiss him.
Even, she - Penny - had never dared to do that!
“I changed my mind when Michele suggested that we go clubbing. You know how I feel about frivolous past times such as that.”
“A wise decision, I’m sure.”
“I thought my time would be better spent with you guys.”
“An eminently wise decision,” Sheldon’s smile, as he looked down at Jordan, was actually affectionate, and something inside Penny... died. “Did you have any particular activity in mind?”
“I’ve already eaten, but I was hoping I could convince you to go out for dessert that-isn’t-freeze-dried and chamomile tea.”
“An excellent notion. I have a few suggestions as to where we can go.”
“I’m yours to command as usual, Squadron Leader. But first, I’d like to use the restroom.” Sheldon showed her the way before looking to the guys.
“Will you join us?” Raj nodded and covered up his half-eaten meal, and the other two hastily followed suit. Sheldon disappeared into his bedroom.
Penny seethed. Rage - pure and unadulterated built up inside her. Heat started somewhere in her mid-section and rose until every inch of her exposed skin was flushed red with anger. She stomped to the kitchen and threw her plate - luckily it was plastic, not that she would have given a damn at the time - and its contents into the trash and whirled on the room in general.
“Come on, Ryan!” she yelled, loud enough that her voice resonated in every corner of the apartment. She stalked to the door and threw it open. “Let’s go on that date - and then for dessert, we’ll have some sex!” The door slammed shut behind her.
The four men in the living room were silent for a full minute before Ryan spoke.
“I’m not a genius scientist - so I’d be really grateful if one of you could explain what the hell just happened.”
“Who needs an explanation? A gorgeous woman just asked you to have sex with her. Why the hell are you wasting time with us?”
“Howard!”
“Dude.”
“I’m just saying.”
“I better go find Penny. Is it all right to feel a little afraid?”
“Yeah, Ryan - she can go junior rodeo on you.”
“She only threatens Sheldon with that though.”
“She did almost break my nose once.”
“You did hit on her, Howard.”
“I hit on anything female, Leonard.”
“Dude, it was inappropriate. She was trying to be nice to you, remember?”
“Umm... is it just me or is there some sort of tension with her and Sheldon?”
“Ryan - there’s always tension when those two are in a room together.”
“Unless they’re playing video games. Er... and not against each other.”
“Or making Penny Blossoms.”
“Penny whatsits?”
“Blossoms - how can you not know about those? Didn’t she show you the website I made for her?”
“I’ll be sure to check that out, Leonard. But did any of you pick up on why they were going at it this time?”
“Who knows?”
“I can never keep up.”
“Those two operate on their own frequency, dude.”
“Right. So... er, I’m gonna go now.”
“Well, it was nice knowing you.”
“Oh, Sheldon, Jordan - Ryan was just leaving.”
“Enjoy your date.”
“Yeah, right. I mean, thanks, Sheldon. G’night, guys.”
“Ryan?” Penny threw open the door. “Are you coming sometime tonight?” She asked sharply.
“I was just saying goodnight to the guys, Penny.” His handsome face was confused and just a little bit scared.
Penny felt sorry for him - it certainly wasn’t his fault that Sheldon had picked tonight of all nights - after five months of being sweet and wonderful - to become a colossal prick.
And after all that they had been through too. All those zany midnight conversations about anything and everything. All - apparently for nothing.
She felt like bursting into tears, but there was no way she was giving into that impulse. She took a deep calming breath as Ryan shuffled out the door, and directed her death glare gaze at Sheldon Stupid Cooper.
“FYI Sheldon, three months ago, the Thai Express that was on your pre-approved list of restaurants was renamed the Lotus Blossom. Same management, same staff and food handlers, same suppliers - I double-checked it all. They just got on Restaurant Makeover, which is a reality TV show, and made a bunch of changes to their decor and the new name went better with their new colour scheme, according to Chef Li - you remember him, right? He certainly remembered you!” Penny finished, her breath coming in spurts as she struggled to rein in her temper. “Just so you know - because I would never get your Welcome-Home-from-the-freakin’-Arctic dinner from a restaurant that was NOT ON YOUR GODDAM LIST, YOU JERK!”
And with that last shouted tirade, the sobs that she could no longer control bubbled to the surface, and rather than have everyone see - she stormed out, slamming the door to 4A behind her.