slacker
So another day another dump from me that I just had to get off my chest . . .
So I’ve decided that whenever I get hyper that it is soon followed by me crashing and going into a slight ‘depression’ of sorts. I mean . . I sort of dread being hyper at all if it’s gonna mean that I’m gonna crash. It just isn’t normal you know? But . . as you can tell this is just me getting stuff off my chest again . . which I really need to stop bothering other people with because it’s probably getting old.
I’ve decided that I haven’t gotten anywhere since high school. I’m still the same as I was then, except maybe just a ‘tiny’ bit more mature than before. It’s just that . . . I have all these fears. All these paranoia’s that are keeping me down. I’m scared to grow up and go out on my own. I’m scared to do anything that would involve ‘just me’. I need to have someone there telling me what to do and the closer I get to the point where I need to move beyond that is scaring me more and more. I don’t want to grow older. I don’t want to be independent. But I also don’t want to stay under my parents wings. But at the same time I’m scared to leave them behind. Everything is so conflicting and I don’t know what to do about it. My roommate is just telling me to try new things. If you don’t try you won’t grow. If you don’t try you won’t get over it. I know these things are right, I know they are, but I keep pushing them away anyways. I’m feeding the fuel of my fears by not facing them. I’m making them worse by not facing them. But when I get the courage up to face them it only lasts for a few minutes. I don’t have enough there to actually do anything about it. Once I’m faced with it I shy away, I avoid it at all costs. I avoid everything at all costs. Everything scares me. Everything sets me on edge. Is this low self confidence? Probably. Is this depression? Possibly. Should I seek help? I’ve tried that. I hated that place.
I just don’t know where to go from here . . . I feel so useless. I feel like the person who just tags along for the ride from whoever will take me. That’s really all I feel like to myself. I feel like I just want to latch on to everyone else and let them pull me along for the ride. And this bothers me, because I know that’s not what people want. People don’t want moochers. People don’t like slackers. It’s painfully obvious they don’t. They always talk about how they don’t like people like that. So then I feel worse, because that’s what I am. That’s exactly what I am. I’m a slacker, I’m a moocher, I take anything that’s offered to me and barely ever give back in return. I feel bad but at the same time I never DO anything about it. So really I should stop complaining shouldn’t I? If I know for a fact I’m not gonna do anything about it . . if I know that I haven’t changed in so long, I should just stop troubling people with it . . but honestly, I don’t know what to do. Although I can’t really say that “I’ve tried changing,” because that wouldn’t be true. It just wouldn’t be. It’s far from true. Because I always shy away. I don’t go for it. I don’t attempt to make that extra step. I just do the bare minimum and don’t push myself that far . . .
So yeah . . I guess I will stop now. It really is pointless isn’t it? And no one really wants to hear about it . . I know that . . but I always feel I want to get it out somewhere, so that’s what I do. And that’s what I’ve done. And that’s what I’ll probably continue to do even though I probably shouldn’t.