feelings again
ok . . putting this in a cut so it won't really be on my actual page . .
I am putting this here because I can’t put it anywhere else, and, OMG, why do I have to have friend issues? Well . . sort of . . what do you do when you have this friend that you got really close to, but then stuff happened (that you really can’t pinpoint exactly what, but you know it was something) and it made you completely scared of the person, as in, panic attack if they tried talking to you. So you avoid them, to avoid panic attacks, but, they’re super persistent and they demand to know why you’re not talking to them, and then you tell them why, bluntly, that they freak you out and you don’t even know why, so you just want to avoid them to not feel like you’re going to barf every time their username even pops up. And they listen, but then they keep coming back and wanting to talk anyways. And they keep just buying you stuff whenever you show interest in something, and to them they’re just “buying you stuff to see you happy and cause they enjoy to” but in your own eyes it just seems like they are trying to buy back into your affection. And on top of that you keep having confrontations where they are giving an ultimatum of ‘either talk to me or we’re done, over with’ and you don’t really want that to happen completely because you don’t want to make it awkward for other friends, but at the same time it would make life a slightly bit easier, at least online. And then it finally happens, it just comes to a head and they finally just give up and say ‘fine, we’re done, this is over’ and they leave, and you feel sick, scared, worried, overjoyed, and relieved . . all at the same time. And you try to get over it, and you’re just trying to breath and say it’s all going to be ok, but then not even 24 hours later they come back and say ‘oh, my bad’ and they want to try to make it work again, and ‘hey, want to come eat with us on Sunday?’ and then I’m just thrown right back into the chaos of panic attacks and feeling sick, and I don’t even know what to do about it.
And I know this is just my side, my point of view, and that I’m just a girl who once I get freaked out over something it’s hard, if not impossible, to ever make me not feel that way. But sometimes things like this are just something that you need to let go, right? Cause they're never going to go back to how they used to be. But . . I really just wanted to get that out . . because this has been going on for half a year now and it’s been driving me crazy on top of the fact that I’m also having to start to face my fears of getting out into the real working world. I haven’t made it there yet, but I keep trying to pep talk myself into it, and I’ll get there one day. But . . I don’t know, I think I have too many fears, and this ‘friend’ one just seems to be one more piled on top.