It's that time of the week again!
1. Five gifts Holmes really wanted as a child, but never received. (It's why he hates mittens)
1) He'd always wanted a pet, a cat preferably but then Mycroft told him that they make mittens out of kittens and traumatised him for life.
2) A hug.
3) The deluxe sewing kit, he was still in his 'I want to be a seamstress!' phase.
4) A detective kit with magnifying glass.
5) A cello.
2. Five things Watson considered buying Holmes for Christmas, but didn't. (he really should have bought the fourth thing)
1) The deluxe sewing kit that Holmes went all misty eyed over whenever they past the haberdashers.
2) Several Christmas puddings.
3) A hamster.
4) A new riding crop, Watson wasn't to know that two weeks after he contemplated this they were going to break theirs in a rather vigorous workout after a case.
5) A cat. (He later heard the story about the mittens.)
3. Five gifts Mrs. Hudson received that made her contemplate kicking out her famous tenants. (the first thing was bad... really bad.)
1) Five broken tables, four piles of leftovers, three holes in the wall, two broken beds, and six months worth of washing.
2) A carol recital by the Irregulars.
3) A puppy.
4) A list of all the things they'd like for Christmas dinner.
5) Mr Holmes gave her a big kiss on the cheek, pinched her arse and told her she was a grand ol' dame.
4. Five reasons Lestrade refuses to step foot in Baker St. during the holidays.
1) The glares from Mrs Hudson as she stomps around muttering "BAH! Humbug!". She fell out with the Christmas holidays after she realised both her tenants were male and completely and utterly useless at buying presents for ladies.
2) There's bound to be a drunk food fight.
3) Watson will get drunk and try to write limericks
4) It's very difficult to concentrate on reading the paper when there is a sound of bed springs from the next room and Holmes crying "ohyesohyesohyesohyes.... BINGO!"
5) The Brussels sprout induced gas. You're scared to light a match in case the room explodes.
5. Five scary things Mycroft told Holmes about Boxing Day (when they were younger) that made Holmes refuse to celebrate it for years.
1) "It's actually when all the children in the world are put into a big box and shipped off to be eaten by cannibals in Africa."
2) "You have to give all your toys back to Father Christmas."
3) "Every year the village picks someone to fight the elves, the elves will always win and no one will see the boy again. It might be your turn this year Sherlock."
4) "Only big brothers are allowed to eat on Boxing Day. You have to box up all the food and deliver it to their rooms without being seen by any adults otherwise you are hung naked off the banister."
5) "Father Christmas comes back and if he finds you out of bed he eats your heart."
Bonus Five:
Five things that happened under the mistletoe. (The what and to whom are up to you...!)
1) Mycroft burped just as he was about to kiss Mrs Hudson.
2) Hopkins was so blind drunk that he made out with the coat rack.
3) Holmes and Watson were so nervous they headed butted each other and spent the day lying unconscious on the living room floor. (Mrs Hudson took the day off in relief.)
4) No one wanted to kiss Lestrade.
5) Wiggins and the maid had to be forcibly separated after they were under the mistletoe together for six weeks. (It was getting difficult to navigate around them, since the mistletoe was above the door.)
Five things Holmes realized after being visited by the "Ghost of Christmas Future"
1) It's more fun to be evil.
2) He has a cute butt and should show it off more often.
3) He should never have let Sidney Paget draw that picture.
4) Watson loves him.
5) Christmas is going to get a whole lot more complicated.
Five villains who send Holmes a holiday card every year. (Watson doesn't appreciate the card from the second one)
1) Sebastian Moran - he makes the card himself, prison is having a very therapeutic effect on him.
2) James Ryder - it's always full of sexual favours he's willing to bestow upon Holmes.
3) James Moriarty - you have to be careful for the poison.
4) Irene Alder - she always sends a naked picture just to make Holmes feel uncomfortable.
5) Dr. Leon Sterndale - he sends tips from Africa.
Five times Holmes got coal in his stocking. (Watson warned him that the second thing would lead to trouble...)
1) When he pissed off the coal man for the 100th time that week.
2) Holmes told Moriarty the ending to 'Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows'.
3) After he didn't tidy up his room when Mrs Hudson asked him to.
4) He blew up the table for the 7th time that week.
5) He abandoned Watson during a long blow job session because he'd suddenly had an idea about the properties of alkalies.
Five things Holmes likes to do with candy canes. (He's banned from Ye Olde Sweet Shoppe for the third thing!)
1) Pretend to be a walrus.
2) Lick them in an erotic way causing Watson to explode (and several other customers as well).
3) Insert them where no candy cane has ever been before!
4) Coat them with cocaine.
5) Tell the same joke every single year.
Five gifts Holmes considered buying for Watson, but didn't. (He did buy the third thing, and might give it to Watson some day...)
1) A bottle of whiskey. He drank the last bottle when Watson got married, he thought about replacing it.
2) A new dictionary. He's sick of correcting the spelling and putting the right words in. It's time Watson did it for himself!
3) Sex with a Moustache - Tips on How to Improve your Partners Pleasure
4) A puppy to replace the bullpup that Holmes accidentally catapulted out of the window. (In fairness the dog did stand on the secret sprint trap that he had in his violin case.)
5) A little woolly hat.
Son of a bonus:
Five Christmas kisses. (Watson favors the second one, Holmes gets hot and bothered thinking about the fourth one)
1) The sweet lingering one as Watson unwraps the scarf from Holmes.
2) The secret stolen kiss in Lestrade's office when they go round to wish everyone a Merry Christmas.
3) The cheeky one under the mistletoe.
4) The passionate clutching at each other kiss in the cupboard at the Diogenes club.
5) The naked one in the bedroom that involves no kissing of the lips.
and because I was in a silly mood and having fun... I present to you, Mrs Hudson's version of 'The 12 Days of Christmas'.
On the first day of Christmas, my tenants gave to me
a coronary embolism.
On the second day of Christmas, my tenants gave to me
two broken beds
and a coronary embolism..
On the third day of Christmas, my tenants gave to me
three holes in the wall,
two broken beds
and a coronary embolism..
On the fourth day of Christmas, my tenants gave to me
four piles of leftovers
three holes in the wall,
two broken beds
and a coronary embolism..
On the fifth day of Christmas, my tenants gave to me
five broken tables
four piles of leftovers
three holes in the wall
two broken beds
and a coronary embolism.
On the sixth day of Christmas, my tenants gave to me
six months of washing
five broken tables
four piles of leftovers
three holes in the wall
two broken beds
and a coronary embolism.
On the seventh day of Christmas, my tenants gave to me
seven damaged windows
six months of washing
five broken tables
four piles of leftovers
three holes in the wall
two broken beds
and a coronary embolism.
On the eighth day of Christmas, my tenants gave to me
eight blood stained rags
seven damaged windows
six months of washing
five broken tables
four piles of leftovers
three holes in the wall
two broken beds
and a coronary embolism.
On the ninth day of Christmas, my tenants gave to me
nine coppers at the door
eight blood stained rags
seven damaged windows
six months of washing
five broken tables
four piles of leftovers
three holes in the wall
two broken beds
and a coronary embolism.
On the tenth day of Christmas, my tenants gave to me
ten bullet wounds
nine coppers at the door
eight blood stained rags
seven damaged windows
six months of washing
five broken tables
four piles of leftovers
three holes in the wall
two broken beds
and a coronary embolism.
On the eleventh day of Christmas, my tenants gave to me
eleven poor excuses
ten bullet wounds
nine coppers at the door
eight blood stained rags
seven damaged windows
six months of washing
five broken tables
four piles of leftovers
three holes in the wall
two broken beds
and a coronary embolism.
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my tenants gave to me
twelve reasons for eviction
eleven poor excuses
ten bullet wounds
nine coppers at the door
eight blood stained rags
seven damaged windows
six months of washing
five broken tables
four piles of leftovers
three holes in the wall
two broken beds
and a coronary embolism.