FIC: Sherlock Holmes and the Missing Four Hours
According to new research women are more likely to injure themselves during the menstrual cycle... Lead researcher Dr Stephen Sandler, an experienced osteopath, said: "There was a clear link between hormone levels and laxity of joints, making women more vulnerable to injury."
And we didn't know this before because....?
Seriously, every women knows that you get more clumsy during that time of the month! Why did you need to bother researching into it?
Source: BBC News
In Kenya, 20 boys were sent home from school because they were uncircumcised and the school feared they would be bullied. They can only come back when they've had it done... Erm... how would the other boys know that they weren't circumcised?
Source: BBC News
Finally, a six year Greek study has found that people who take a 30minute nap during the afternoon are 37% less likely of dying of a heart attack. At last! An excuse to spend more time in bed ;-)
Source: BBC News
Perhaps I shouldn't have downloaded the BBC news alerts...
In sad news - HMS Intrepid is to be finally dismantled twenty-five years after being saved from the scrap heap. (The Times)
Apparently "one third of adults believe that jumping up and down after sex stops a woman getting pregnant." -- Article here
In other news - I have been persuaded to write what happened to Holmes whilst he was drunk. There is a competition between myself and Not You on the holmesslash list to see who can make him do the most outrageous things and stay in character (or as much in character as a drunk Holmes could be.) Not You also provided the title.
You have been warned...
Title: Sherlock Holmes and the Missing Four Hours.
Rating: 12
Synopsis: Just exactly what did Holmes do that night?
Dedication: To 'Not You' and 'Spike'.
Sherlock Holmes and the Missing Four Hours
Later that evening, Sherlock Holmes resurfaced for a second time looking much better than he had previously. He was still unshaven but his eyes had resumed the familiar sparkle and he appeared in good spirits. He refused my offer of a brandy and instead settled himself in his chair with a cup of tea and propped his feet on the corner of the side table. He wore a most peculiar smile, and I watched him with a wary eye.
Half an hour later, Inspector Lestrade joined us. He smiled at Holmes and asked him cordially just how he was feeling.
"Much better, thank you Lestrade." He responded, tipping his tea cup in the Inspectors direction.
"Glad to hear it." Lestrade replied settling himself upon the couch and accepting a glass of brandy from me. Holmes regarded the pair of us before I sat down in my own chair.
"Gentlemen," he leaned forward in his chair. "I have given much thought however to what exactly took place last night. There are approximately four hours of the night that I cannot account for."
I grinned at him. "Oh yes?"
"And as you are unwilling to tell me about my conduct last night, no doubt wishing to use the information for other purposes, I decided to investigate." He rose from his seat and retrieved his pipe from the rack upon the mantle piece.
I wasn't at all surprised at this. "Really?"
Turning to us, his pipe in hand he continued. "My first clues came from the inspection of the clothing I was wearing last night."
"Oh? And what did your clothing tell you, Mr Holmes?" Lestrade leaned forward in his chair, his eye catching mine and I found myself having to suppress my laughter.
"A good deal, Lestrade. From the state of my left shirt sleeve," he indicated his own sleeve, "I deduced that at some point I was taken ill in the cab and thus we were forced to walk from Seven Dials until we found alternative transport."
"Quite right. The cab driver wasn't too impressed. How did you know it was near Seven Dials? Surely you were too inebriated to know where we were?" I still wasn't surprised.
"You can tell by the mud upon the left side of my right shoe, this type of mud is only found in Seven Dials just as you come from Queen Street. I have not walked there for several days and so it is a simple connection."
"Impressive. Anything else?"
"Yes. Several things. As there is rather... a distinct stain upon my underclothes just near the fly, I believe that you escorted me down Little Earl Street in the direction of Cambridge Circus where there is a urinal. You did this because I was no doubt about to make a disgrace of myself on one of the nearby buildings and Lestrade didn't wish to arrest me for indecent behaviour."
"Wait a minute," Lestrade interrupted, "how did you know you didn't... have an accident?"
"Because my dear Inspector, there would be more signs upon my clothing if that was true."
At this I had to admit that I was beginning to be surprised by Holmes's knowledge. "Why Cambridge Circus?"
"Because it is the nearest urinal to Seven Dials, and I hardly imagine that you would wish to escort me as far as the top of Shaftesbury Avenue."
"What happened then?"
"I believe Watson you were forced to help me unfasten my trousers, and I made a particularly lewd comment that no doubt made you blush and if anyone other than Lestrade had heard me I believe I would be sitting in a goal cell. That does however beg the question as to what I said. What did I say, Watson?" He smiled at me in his infuriating way.
I found myself blushing under his gaze and could only mutter, "something that should never be repeated in front of a police officer."
"Ah!" He gave a triumphant cry. "So I did say something lewd."<
"What? That was a bluff?" I cursed myself, how many times had I seen him perform this exact same trick over the years?
"No not a bluff, I merely thought that I had said something to you."
"What made you think so?"
"Your very manner this morning, you were determined to extract your revenge by embarrassing me so I must have said or done something to embarrass you. As you... kindly informed me that I fell off my stool last night and tried to kiss you I doubt that these were the events to embarrass you, otherwise you wouldn't have told me."
"All right, what next?"
"We walked, or rather you carried me, up Charing Cross Road where you had the good fortune to encounter a cab. There, Lestrade you bundled me into the cab and left the poor Doctor to deal with me on his own. There we returned to Baker Street where I managed to rouse the entire household with rather out of tune renditions of 'HMS Pinafore'."
"How do you know I didn't go with you?" Lestrade interrupted again.
"And how did you know it was Pinafore?" I queried.
"Because Mrs Hudson informed me that she had to help Watson up the stairs with me, as it was in the early hours of this morning that you finally extracted me from the bar., the fact that Mrs Hudson was up at such an hour tells me that I was loud enough to wake our poor landlady. As for Pinafore, it was what that young constable was playing on the piano as we left."
"Well that takes explains everything after we left the bar." I knew he couldn't possibly remember what had taken place during the evening.
"Ah yes, the bar. I believe I made a complete fool of myself with three constables and the Chief Inspector's wife."
Suddenly very embarrassed Lestrade began to study the pattens on the rug."Ah you know about the Chief Inspector's wife."
"Yes. I believe I told her intricate details of her private life, concentrating mostly on her lack of intimacy recently with her husband which was no doubt a result of his impotency. Then I believe I began to discuss with her the reasons for her husbands impotency, referring very loudly to my own problems with cocaine and the effect that it has on that particular part of my body. Then began to advise her on the course of action she should take. Watson that particular shade of red does not suit you."
"How did you remember that?" I gasped in astonishment, trying to ignore the fact that I had turned a deep colour of crimson.
"I didn't."
"Then how did you know?"
"This note," he produced a piece of paper from his dressing gown pocket and held it out to me, "thanking me for my advice concerning her husbands 'condition' and saying that she will seek out that remedy I advised as soon as possible."
I could hardly dare to ask how he knew about the other events of the night, "and the three constables?"
"I told them that their over-large moustaches were clearly trying to make up for inadequacies in other areas. Why else would this cartoon have appeared in this mornings paper?" He held up the evening paper where there was a most amusing illustration of a police constable with a moustache the length of the Strand. Holmes smiled at us both in a gentle manner. "I am dreadfully sorry for spoiling your fun, gentlemen but as you know I deplore secrets of any sort, unless they are of my own keeping."
Lestrade sighed, "I suppose you also know that the Chief Inspector isn't too pleased with me for inviting him to the celebrations. I hope you plan to write him an apologetic letter or come in person."
"I shall do nothing of the sort." Holmes snorted, throwing himself down in his chair.
"Holmes!" I warned.
"In a few days he will be wanting to thank me for the renewed intimacy with his wife."
With a groan, Lestrade stood, drained his glass and handed it back to me. "Well, I best be off. Night gentlemen." With that he hastily left our sitting room.
We sat in silence for some time before Holmes finally turned to me and said: "All that leaves now, Watson, is what took place in my bedroom after we returned. Mrs Hudson is less than pleased with me all ready for vomiting all over her best bath towels, when she sees the state of my bedsheets..."
And we didn't know this before because....?
Seriously, every women knows that you get more clumsy during that time of the month! Why did you need to bother researching into it?
Source: BBC News
In Kenya, 20 boys were sent home from school because they were uncircumcised and the school feared they would be bullied. They can only come back when they've had it done... Erm... how would the other boys know that they weren't circumcised?
Source: BBC News
Finally, a six year Greek study has found that people who take a 30minute nap during the afternoon are 37% less likely of dying of a heart attack. At last! An excuse to spend more time in bed ;-)
Source: BBC News
Perhaps I shouldn't have downloaded the BBC news alerts...
In sad news - HMS Intrepid is to be finally dismantled twenty-five years after being saved from the scrap heap. (The Times)
Apparently "one third of adults believe that jumping up and down after sex stops a woman getting pregnant." -- Article here
In other news - I have been persuaded to write what happened to Holmes whilst he was drunk. There is a competition between myself and Not You on the holmesslash list to see who can make him do the most outrageous things and stay in character (or as much in character as a drunk Holmes could be.) Not You also provided the title.
You have been warned...
Title: Sherlock Holmes and the Missing Four Hours.
Rating: 12
Synopsis: Just exactly what did Holmes do that night?
Dedication: To 'Not You' and 'Spike'.
Sherlock Holmes and the Missing Four Hours
Later that evening, Sherlock Holmes resurfaced for a second time looking much better than he had previously. He was still unshaven but his eyes had resumed the familiar sparkle and he appeared in good spirits. He refused my offer of a brandy and instead settled himself in his chair with a cup of tea and propped his feet on the corner of the side table. He wore a most peculiar smile, and I watched him with a wary eye.
Half an hour later, Inspector Lestrade joined us. He smiled at Holmes and asked him cordially just how he was feeling.
"Much better, thank you Lestrade." He responded, tipping his tea cup in the Inspectors direction.
"Glad to hear it." Lestrade replied settling himself upon the couch and accepting a glass of brandy from me. Holmes regarded the pair of us before I sat down in my own chair.
"Gentlemen," he leaned forward in his chair. "I have given much thought however to what exactly took place last night. There are approximately four hours of the night that I cannot account for."
I grinned at him. "Oh yes?"
"And as you are unwilling to tell me about my conduct last night, no doubt wishing to use the information for other purposes, I decided to investigate." He rose from his seat and retrieved his pipe from the rack upon the mantle piece.
I wasn't at all surprised at this. "Really?"
Turning to us, his pipe in hand he continued. "My first clues came from the inspection of the clothing I was wearing last night."
"Oh? And what did your clothing tell you, Mr Holmes?" Lestrade leaned forward in his chair, his eye catching mine and I found myself having to suppress my laughter.
"A good deal, Lestrade. From the state of my left shirt sleeve," he indicated his own sleeve, "I deduced that at some point I was taken ill in the cab and thus we were forced to walk from Seven Dials until we found alternative transport."
"Quite right. The cab driver wasn't too impressed. How did you know it was near Seven Dials? Surely you were too inebriated to know where we were?" I still wasn't surprised.
"You can tell by the mud upon the left side of my right shoe, this type of mud is only found in Seven Dials just as you come from Queen Street. I have not walked there for several days and so it is a simple connection."
"Impressive. Anything else?"
"Yes. Several things. As there is rather... a distinct stain upon my underclothes just near the fly, I believe that you escorted me down Little Earl Street in the direction of Cambridge Circus where there is a urinal. You did this because I was no doubt about to make a disgrace of myself on one of the nearby buildings and Lestrade didn't wish to arrest me for indecent behaviour."
"Wait a minute," Lestrade interrupted, "how did you know you didn't... have an accident?"
"Because my dear Inspector, there would be more signs upon my clothing if that was true."
At this I had to admit that I was beginning to be surprised by Holmes's knowledge. "Why Cambridge Circus?"
"Because it is the nearest urinal to Seven Dials, and I hardly imagine that you would wish to escort me as far as the top of Shaftesbury Avenue."
"What happened then?"
"I believe Watson you were forced to help me unfasten my trousers, and I made a particularly lewd comment that no doubt made you blush and if anyone other than Lestrade had heard me I believe I would be sitting in a goal cell. That does however beg the question as to what I said. What did I say, Watson?" He smiled at me in his infuriating way.
I found myself blushing under his gaze and could only mutter, "something that should never be repeated in front of a police officer."
"Ah!" He gave a triumphant cry. "So I did say something lewd."<
"What? That was a bluff?" I cursed myself, how many times had I seen him perform this exact same trick over the years?
"No not a bluff, I merely thought that I had said something to you."
"What made you think so?"
"Your very manner this morning, you were determined to extract your revenge by embarrassing me so I must have said or done something to embarrass you. As you... kindly informed me that I fell off my stool last night and tried to kiss you I doubt that these were the events to embarrass you, otherwise you wouldn't have told me."
"All right, what next?"
"We walked, or rather you carried me, up Charing Cross Road where you had the good fortune to encounter a cab. There, Lestrade you bundled me into the cab and left the poor Doctor to deal with me on his own. There we returned to Baker Street where I managed to rouse the entire household with rather out of tune renditions of 'HMS Pinafore'."
"How do you know I didn't go with you?" Lestrade interrupted again.
"And how did you know it was Pinafore?" I queried.
"Because Mrs Hudson informed me that she had to help Watson up the stairs with me, as it was in the early hours of this morning that you finally extracted me from the bar., the fact that Mrs Hudson was up at such an hour tells me that I was loud enough to wake our poor landlady. As for Pinafore, it was what that young constable was playing on the piano as we left."
"Well that takes explains everything after we left the bar." I knew he couldn't possibly remember what had taken place during the evening.
"Ah yes, the bar. I believe I made a complete fool of myself with three constables and the Chief Inspector's wife."
Suddenly very embarrassed Lestrade began to study the pattens on the rug."Ah you know about the Chief Inspector's wife."
"Yes. I believe I told her intricate details of her private life, concentrating mostly on her lack of intimacy recently with her husband which was no doubt a result of his impotency. Then I believe I began to discuss with her the reasons for her husbands impotency, referring very loudly to my own problems with cocaine and the effect that it has on that particular part of my body. Then began to advise her on the course of action she should take. Watson that particular shade of red does not suit you."
"How did you remember that?" I gasped in astonishment, trying to ignore the fact that I had turned a deep colour of crimson.
"I didn't."
"Then how did you know?"
"This note," he produced a piece of paper from his dressing gown pocket and held it out to me, "thanking me for my advice concerning her husbands 'condition' and saying that she will seek out that remedy I advised as soon as possible."
I could hardly dare to ask how he knew about the other events of the night, "and the three constables?"
"I told them that their over-large moustaches were clearly trying to make up for inadequacies in other areas. Why else would this cartoon have appeared in this mornings paper?" He held up the evening paper where there was a most amusing illustration of a police constable with a moustache the length of the Strand. Holmes smiled at us both in a gentle manner. "I am dreadfully sorry for spoiling your fun, gentlemen but as you know I deplore secrets of any sort, unless they are of my own keeping."
Lestrade sighed, "I suppose you also know that the Chief Inspector isn't too pleased with me for inviting him to the celebrations. I hope you plan to write him an apologetic letter or come in person."
"I shall do nothing of the sort." Holmes snorted, throwing himself down in his chair.
"Holmes!" I warned.
"In a few days he will be wanting to thank me for the renewed intimacy with his wife."
With a groan, Lestrade stood, drained his glass and handed it back to me. "Well, I best be off. Night gentlemen." With that he hastily left our sitting room.
We sat in silence for some time before Holmes finally turned to me and said: "All that leaves now, Watson, is what took place in my bedroom after we returned. Mrs Hudson is less than pleased with me all ready for vomiting all over her best bath towels, when she sees the state of my bedsheets..."