An Afterlife

[sherlock7]

I don't exist. My orphaned room
Is dark and sad.
My clothes, scattered on my bed,
Are kissed by dust.
My books, already touched by rust,
Look askanse at the cupboard door.
It creaks. A miserable thing - it pines for oil...

Comments

[azbukivedi]

Well done, my friend.

[sherlock7_r]

Some 8 years ago, dear :-)
Somehow ideas wouldn't come my way lately :-(

[sherlock7_r]

what/who is "it" ?

S- The cupboard door. Being "who" it wouldn't fall into the "it" category

:-)

I would say, "Look at the cupboard door askance": more correct gramatically, and better rhythm, imo

S- My very idea was to emphasize the BROKEN rhythm - as a reflection of the broken life. I wanted my sentences short and coming to an end abruptly...

[sherlock7_r]

As you know, "it" may be a cat/dog/other animal

S- Not in my lexicon, though. I don't consider animals any less than humans, so I would NEVER refer to them as "it". Only "he" or "she"

but the previous lines don't give me the feeling of broken/fragmented/ inconsistency

S - Every second line ends with a monosyllable word (sad, dust, door). As do both short sentences in the last line. It's not inconsistent, it's consistently terse :-)"Askanse" in the end would lend the sentence an unnecessarily flowing aspect...

am in not a specialist in poetry of any kind :-)

S- Judging by a professional scale, neither am I.