Re: Concrit wantediwantthatcoatJuly 29 2013, 17:34:06 UTC
The good news is someone is still following this post.
That said I wouldn't have chosen to read your story story if you hadn't requested concrit and I didn't finish it.
You need to think about who John is and where he is if you want to use him as a narrator or use a truly omniscient narrator. The odd flickering between John, Sherlock and omniscient made it easier to lose interest in the story.
An omniscient narrator would have made this blatant americanism easier as well. that you could still bounce a quarter on the tightly-made bed Having Sherlock muse on "bouncing a quarter" is discordant and so early in the scene kills the atmosphere you're trying to build
( ... )
Re: Concrit wantediwantthatcoatJuly 29 2013, 18:15:20 UTC
Sometimes, when using a specific phrase, one forgets something so simple as the fact that it is a freakin quarter...if one is an idiot. Thank you for pointing that out. Is there a similar expression for a military-style bedmaking in the UK? I thank you for getting as far as you did, since the characterization is not to your taste. Written for a prompt initially, but I attempted to go somewhere I wanted to explore with it. I was playing with shifting the narrator from scene to scene. Thought it would make it more interesting rather than less, but I see your point. Very helpful.
So I can't bear to look at this for very long right now, but I do want to fix it. I think if anyone else who might still be around would be kind enough to give me a few pointers, it might give me the kick I need to start shaping it up.
I honestly probably shouldn't have posted it at all yet. It was late at night and it seemed like a good idea at the time.
tbh, if you hadn't asked for feedback, this is probably not a story I would have clicked on. I am not that into song-inspired fic, and not invested in Sherlock/John enough to read very many of them. So grain of salt for what follows.
I like the slow build up of tension, and I like that it's Sherlock, not John, who winds up addicted, in spite of the POV being filtered through John throughout--it gives the fic a chance to explore the difference in perspective. In retrospect that makes sense, but as I was reading, the POV made me expect John to be the obsessed one for some reason.
That said, my overall feeling was lukewarm. I didn't find John's POV that compelling overall, and I think the fic falls into predictable grooves. ex: Addiction --> "I never figured you’d be like this," he murmured against Sherlock’s lips, biting at them after. “You’re gasping for it." I'm all for really eager/slutty participants, but I didn't wind up buying into the ratcheting up of tension that would signal (or the awareness of an increase in tension
( ... )
It is helpful! No need to be specific; that's my job, isn't it? Although if I may pry a little, do you think it would help to illustrate the increasing tension more, or would that just make it seem overly long and boring? And would it help if the whole period of them not kissing was treated differently, or is that reaction itself just too formulaic?
hmm. I think that the argument piece could work (and it needs something like this in order to trigger the withdrawal, which I think is really important). Tightening up the action would help. The parts that work best for me re. tension are the ones that do more to combine the kissing with the affection, but without spending too long detailing John's thoughts:
John, nervous about missing their target, instead took Sherlock’s hand in his own, brushing his lips lightly against the back of it. Sherlock made a small noise, his fingers twitching in John’s grasp, but didn’t push it further.
I tuned out at It made John’s chest ache, made him feel heavy with the responsibility of being the person that genius of a madman had put all his hope into. because I feel like the tenderness of the gesture and Sherlock's restrained reaction to it say more than the more monologue-y bits. I think those tend to slow down the pacing in a way that turns me off
( ... )
Comments 251
http://archiveofourown.org/works/869280/chapters/1668893
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That said I wouldn't have chosen to read your story story if you hadn't requested concrit and I didn't finish it.
You need to think about who John is and where he is if you want to use him as a narrator or use a truly omniscient narrator. The odd flickering between John, Sherlock and omniscient made it easier to lose interest in the story.
An omniscient narrator would have made this blatant americanism easier as well.
that you could still bounce a quarter on the tightly-made bed
Having Sherlock muse on "bouncing a quarter" is discordant and so early in the scene kills the atmosphere you're trying to build ( ... )
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I thank you for getting as far as you did, since the characterization is not to your taste. Written for a prompt initially, but I attempted to go somewhere I wanted to explore with it.
I was playing with shifting the narrator from scene to scene. Thought it would make it more interesting rather than less, but I see your point.
Very helpful.
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I honestly probably shouldn't have posted it at all yet. It was late at night and it seemed like a good idea at the time.
http://amantodebone.tumblr.com/post/56650381862/the-lights-are-on-rough-version
If you can't finish it/get turned off of it at some point, it'd even be a big help to know just what made that happen.
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I like the slow build up of tension, and I like that it's Sherlock, not John, who winds up addicted, in spite of the POV being filtered through John throughout--it gives the fic a chance to explore the difference in perspective. In retrospect that makes sense, but as I was reading, the POV made me expect John to be the obsessed one for some reason.
That said, my overall feeling was lukewarm. I didn't find John's POV that compelling overall, and I think the fic falls into predictable grooves. ex: Addiction --> "I never figured you’d be like this," he murmured against Sherlock’s lips, biting at them after. “You’re gasping for it." I'm all for really eager/slutty participants, but I didn't wind up buying into the ratcheting up of tension that would signal (or the awareness of an increase in tension ( ... )
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hmm. I think that the argument piece could work (and it needs something like this in order to trigger the withdrawal, which I think is really important). Tightening up the action would help. The parts that work best for me re. tension are the ones that do more to combine the kissing with the affection, but without spending too long detailing John's thoughts:
John, nervous about missing their target, instead took Sherlock’s hand in his own, brushing his lips lightly against the back of it. Sherlock made a small noise, his fingers twitching in John’s grasp, but didn’t push it further.
I tuned out at It made John’s chest ache, made him feel heavy with the responsibility of being the person that genius of a madman had put all his hope into. because I feel like the tenderness of the gesture and Sherlock's restrained reaction to it say more than the more monologue-y bits. I think those tend to slow down the pacing in a way that turns me off ( ... )
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