Keeping the Faith, Part 2
Part 1, HERE.
~*~
The next time Neal woke, it was Elizabeth sitting beside him, gently stroking his hair away from his face. “Time’s it?” he mumbled, rubbing his eyes.
“A little after 2:00,” El replied. “How are you feeling?”
He shrugged. “About the same. Maybe not quite so achy.”
El nodded, then reached to the basket on the table and picked up the thermometer. “Okay if I check your temperature again?” He nodded, and she stroked it across his forehead. “Hmmm. 102.4. Well, that’s a bit of an improvement, at least.” She returned the thermometer to the basket, then said, “I thought you might be hungry by now.”
He shook his head. “Not especially, but I am kinda thirsty.”
“That’s a start. I’ve got some homemade chicken noodle soup heated up, too. Would you try to eat a little of that?” Neal hesitated, and she added, “If you’ll try, I might even have a surprise for you.”
He had to grin at her mischievous expression. “As long as that ‘surprise’ isn’t some new flavor of those disgusting kids’ medicines, I’ll try to eat some soup.”
She chuckled and reached toward his hair, then stopped herself. “I keep doing that - I’m sorry. Is that okay with you?”
Neal nodded. “Yeah, it-it feels kinda nice,” he answered, embarrassed, but he couldn’t deny that the touches felt reassuring somehow.
Elizabeth gave him a warm smile as she brushed his hair back. “You won’t refuse to eat if I say your missing teeth are ridiculously cute, will you?”
“Did you have to mention that?” he protested, pushing himself up against the pillows.
She laughed. “I can’t help it, sweetie. I have to call ‘em as I see ‘em.”
He rolled his eyes. “Seriously? Everything else that’s going on, and you’re noticing my teeth?”
El smiled again. “Not just your teeth, of course, but it is cute. Didn’t you tell Peter once about a girl not liking you because of that?”
Neal stared at her. “He told you that? Wait - you remember that?”
She laughed. “I don’t remember how it came up, but when I saw you today, I was reminded of it.”
Neal shook his head. “It feels weird, and the loose one is horribly annoying.”
“You have a loose one?” El responded, and Neal would have sworn she was trying to keep from squealing at him. He didn’t think it was physically possible to roll his eyes as hard as he wanted to.
“Yeah,” he grumbled, pushing the pillows behind him into a more supportive position. “And it makes eating even less appealing,” he added, knowing it would shift her focus for the moment.
Now El rolled her eyes. “I’m sure soup won’t require too much chewing,” she replied, completely unfazed. “But I want to show you something before I get your food.” She turned and picked up a shopping bag from the floor. “I did some shopping while I was out. See what you think.” She set the bag in his lap and looked at him expectantly.
He had no idea why she would be showing him her shopping, but he dutifully looked into the bag. And blinked. He looked up at El, then back into the bag. “You didn’t,” he breathed, and she giggled.
“Sweetie, you can’t stay in an old sweatshirt and shorts forever. And I figured you might like to have some underwear that fit.”
Neal was certain his face must be radiating heat. He reached into the bag and pulled out a couple packages of boys’ underwear, some socks, and two pairs of pajamas. “You really didn’t have to do this. I mean, let me at least pay you back or something,” he stammered, still staring at the child-sized clothing and not quite believing he could really wear those things.
El laughed and patted his hand. “Oh, sweetie, I enjoyed it. And once you’re back to normal, we’ll donate these things to a good cause.” She studied him for a moment, then added, “I got you a few other things, in case you’re feeling better before you’re back to normal.” She set another bag beside him and he looked inside to see some boys’ sweat pants and tee-shirts. “I figured those would do until you felt well enough to go with me to find anything more fitted.”
Neal could hardly believe she’d expended so much effort on his behalf. “I-I don’t… I didn’t expect…” He stopped and took a deep breath, trying to steady himself. “S-sorry, I just… thank you. Seriously. Thank you, Elizabeth.”
She smiled and patted him. “You’re very welcome. I’m glad I could help.” She stood up and moved the bag of sweats and tees to the desk. “Why don’t you change into some pajamas while I get your soup?” she suggested, and Neal nodded.
“Thank you,” he said again as he picked up the blue pajamas she’d bought and started pushing back the covers so he could change.
She stopped in the doorway and looked back at him, smiling. “You’re welcome.” And then she left, pulling the door closed behind her.
*
When El returned with a tray of food a few minutes later, he was back in bed, wearing his new pajamas. She smiled at him as she entered. “Do they fit okay?”
He nodded. “Much better than that sweatshirt,” he answered, then added, “And thank you for not getting superheroes on everything. I’m not sure I could handle cartoons on my underwear again.”
El laughed delightedly. “I’m happy you approve,” she teased, settling the tray across his lap.
Once he got a good look at what was on the tray in front of him, he looked up at her in dismay. “El, I - thank you for doing this, really, but… I couldn’t eat this much if I were normal!”
El chuckled and sat on the edge of the bed. “When I’m sick, nothing really sounds appealing, so I thought having some options might help you feel like eating a little more than only having one thing.” She picked up a napkin from the tray and tucked it into the neck of his pajama shirt before he could protest. “Just eat whatever you feel like eating. I’ll take the rest back downstairs when you’re finished.” He looked back at the tray crammed full of food, and some of what he was thinking must have shown on his face, because El laid her hand on his, squeezed it warmly, and waited until he looked at her again. “Sweetie, I am not going to be upset at you, no matter how much you do or don’t eat. Whatever you don’t want, either Peter or Satchmo will help with later, okay?” She smiled reassuringly at him, and he had to smile a little in return as he nodded.
He picked up his spoon and stirred his soup. “Have you talked to Mozzie?” he asked after a moment, unable to stand the quiet.
“I did,” El answered as he took a bite of soup. “He hasn’t heard of anything like this, either, but he said he would check some sources and contact me later.” Neal nodded, and El added, “He wanted to see you, but I told him you’d been sleeping, and I didn't know if you felt like visitors. I promised to tell you he wants to hear from you, once you feel up to it.”
He nodded, but didn’t otherwise respond. He hadn’t really had much hope of Mozzie having ready information on something like this, either, but he couldn’t help being disappointed at the news. He sighed and ate a blueberry from the fruit salad El had provided.
“Are you okay?” El asked after a moment, and he looked up, surprised that she’d noticed.
“Yeah, I just…” He sighed and raked a hand through his hair. God, but he hated the way this whole situation made him so damn vulnerable and unable to control his emotions. “I-I don’t even know, El. Everything just seems-” He paused, trying to find the words.
“Overwhelming?” Elizabeth offered, after a moment.
“Yeah…” he muttered, staring at the tray of food without really focusing on it.
“I can only imagine,” El sympathized. “I… well, I sort of have a theory, if you want to hear it?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Well, it seems to me like you’re a version of yourself at eight. I doubt very seriously that you were an average eight-year-old, by anyone’s definition.” She caught his eye and smiled at him, and he had to grin slightly in response. “But now, I think that maybe your eight-year-old brain and body just can’t quite process everything that your adult self has been dealing with, so your defenses and emotions are pretty overwhelmed most of the time. So you’re probably not acting just like you would have at eight, but you also probably didn’t have to cope with the same things you do as an adult then, either.”
Neal nodded slowly, thinking through how everything had felt since he’d woken up last night. “Yeah, I-I guess that makes sense.” He looked down and stirred his soup thoughtfully, then glanced at El. “Um… thanks,” he said quietly, and she patted his knee affectionately.
“You’re welcome, sweetie.”
El’s soup was delicious as usual, even though his illness was definitely affecting both his appetite and his sense of taste. He ate a few more bites of soup, then drank some juice. He grinned at El when he set the glass down. “You remembered,” he said, basking in the fact that she’d bought the cranberry-pomegranate juice he loved.
She smiled. “Of course I did. There’s almost always some in the pantry for you, if it’s not in the fridge.”
He stared at her at that bit of news. How had he missed that, before? “Really?”
“Sweetie, I’ve kept it on hand for ages now.”
He struggled with the knowledge that she’d kept his favorite available, even though he hadn’t been around as often in recent weeks. Oh, she must be cleaning out the pantry in preparation for their move. “Oh. Um… thank you,” he said quietly, unable to say anything else that would adequately convey his thoughts.
She patted the covers over his knee. “It’s no problem,” she answered. She watched him in silence as he ate a few bites of the fresh fruit on the tray. “Did I tell you about the most recent Bridezilla we’ve been dealing with?” she asked, and he looked up as he shook his head.
“Is she worse than the Frankenstein Couple?” he asked, and she laughed.
“Unbelievably, I think she may be the worst one yet,” she answered, and launched into describing the unimaginable problems that she and Yvonne had been dealing with recently.
By the time he was caught up on the saga, he was surprised to realize that he’d eaten almost all of his soup and most of the fruit, too. He’d only managed a few bites of the homemade bread she’d included, but he’d still eaten more than he’d thought he could. He was, however, certain that El had intended her story to distract him in just that manner.
“Are you going to miss working with Yvonne? Are you selling your business?” he asked as he leaned back against the pillows behind him, feeling completely stuffed from all he’d eaten.
She gave him an odd, appraising look. “Yvonne is taking over most of the business, but I can’t imagine giving it up completely.”
He nodded. “I’d think that would be hard to do.”
El glanced at the tray, then back at him. “Are you finished, sweetie?”
He nodded empathically. “It was delicious, but I can’t eat another bite.”
El grinned mischievously. “Well, my mom always said that you can always eat ice cream, because it melts and runs in between everything else-” they both laughed “-and I have some really delicious peach and blackberry swirl sorbet. I bet it would do the same thing.”
Neal grinned at her. “It probably would, but I honestly can’t right now. Maybe later?”
She smiled again as she picked up the tray. “You’ve got a deal, mister.” At the doorway, she turned back to say, “When I come back, I’ll bring your surprise.”
Neal blinked at her. “I thought the clothes were what you meant.”
She chuckled as she shook her head. “Of course not. Clothes aren’t an appropriate surprise for a boy your age.” She winked at him, and he laughed at her teasing.
He scooted further down in the bed, curling up around his pillow again as he waited for her to return. Sitting up for an extended period of time was draining what little energy he had.
*
El returned a couple of minutes later, but only stuck her head in the door. “You have to close your eyes.”
“Seriously?” he responded, and she mock-pouted at him.
“Yes. Close your eyes or I won’t give you the surprise.”
He rolled his eyes, then dutifully closed them. “All right. They’re closed.” He heard El’s soft footsteps, and then something was placed in his lap. “Can I look now?” he asked, a bit petulantly, as El sat on the bed beside him.
“Yes, you may look,” she answered, her laughter evident in her voice.
He opened his eyes and discovered a golden-brown teddy bear in his lap. Wearing a dark gray fedora. And a gray-striped tie. He stared for a moment, then laughed in surprise. “You didn’t!”
El laughed. “I had to. I saw it while I was shopping for your clothes, and I just had to make sure you had something - well, nice happen while you’re this size.”
He drew the bear closer, marveling at the softness of its fur and the details of the tiny fedora and tie that El had added. “I can’t believe you… I’d have never thought of this. I don’t think I ever-” He caught himself, and glanced at her to see if she’d noticed his almost-slip up. If she did, she wasn’t giving it away. “Thank you,” he said sincerely. “I really appreciate it.”
El gave him a warm smile and brushed his hair back from his forehead. “You’re welcome. I’m glad you like it.” She was quiet for a moment, then added, “I thought it’d give you something a little more special to hold onto when you’re sleeping.”
Neal’s face heated up and he tried to look like he had no idea what she was referring to. “It’s great, El,” he answered, and tucked the bear into the bed beside him as though proving his opinion. El gave him a slight smile, and set the bear’s hat on the bedside table.
She straightened the covers over him, then stroked his hair. “I thought you might…” she paused, took a deep breath, and then said quietly, “I thought you might feel like talking about what’s been bothering you.”
Neal blinked at her. “I don’t-” he began, but she shook her head at him.
“Please don’t try to pretend nothing’s wrong. You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to, but I honestly think it might help. Something’s obviously been on your mind, and not just since you woke up like this. I’ve barely seen you lately, and I know things have been… rough in other ways, too. I just thought maybe I could help.” She was looking at him with those beautiful blue eyes so full of caring and concern, and he couldn’t help but feel a swell of emotion in response. “I know you were upset last night, after you woke up-” she began, and he looked up, startled.
“Wh-how-? How do you know that?” he asked hoarsely.
El squeezed his hand. “When Peter called me from your place this morning, he sent me a picture of you, asleep, to show me he wasn’t imagining things. It was obvious you’d cried yourself to sleep.”
Neal felt his face ignite with heat. “Oh, god…” he whispered, ducking his head, but she ignored him and continued.
“But you didn’t call us, even though you were so upset. And you were upset earlier when you thought Peter was angry at you. Sweetie, I know something’s bothering you. I just want to help if I can, okay?”
“I-El, I-” He had to stop and swallow, hard, to try to get his throat to work properly. He stared at the bear beside him, and lightly stroked the soft fur with his fingers. El sat silently beside him, her hand resting warmly on his knee, waiting for him to speak. He toyed with the bear’s tie, trying to get his thoughts together. He actually wished he could talk to El, even though he couldn’t tell her everything. Maybe, just maybe, he could get her to understand how much he regretted everything that had happened. “I-I don’t know where to start,” he finally whispered.
“What’s the first thing that comes to mind, sweetie?”
“P-Peter,” he answered immediately. “I just… I know I’ve screwed up, over and over, and I don’t b-blame him for being tired of saving my a-butt,” he corrected himself. He wasn’t sure if El shared Peter’s aversion to kids swearing, but he didn’t want to take that chance at the moment. “I just-I just wish things weren’t ending like this.” He rubbed at his eyes with one hand, trying to stop them burning. It didn’t help - the burning merely turned into tears that he couldn’t hold back.
“Like what?” El prompted as he scrubbed a hand over his face, trying to wipe away the tears that were trickling out.
He sighed, letting his eyes close for a moment. “With him regretting everything. I’m sure he wishes he wasn’t responsible for me now, too, but I-I hate that he regrets ever taking my deal.”
“Sweetie, what on earth makes you think that?” El’s hand moved to his shoulder and started rubbing gently across his upper back.
“He-he told Clinton not to take me on, that he’d regret it. And the-the way he said it, it sounded like…” Neal turned his face away, burrowing in between his pillow and the bear as he choked out the words. “W-With everything that’s happened, and it’s all my fault - none of this would have happened if it weren’t for me.”
“Neal, sweetie, it’s not your fault,” El soothed, but he shook his head emphatically.
“Yes, yes, it is, El. None of it would have happened if P-Peter hadn’t taken my deal, if he hadn’t tried to help me with-with James,” he spat out the name. “It’s all because of me,” he argued, unable to hold back the sobs any longer. “And now he’s stuck with me like this, too. You’ve b-both been really n-nice, but neither of you signed up for this! I can’t b-blame him for wishing he’d never agreed to let me w-work with him.” He instinctively clutched at the bear as he cried, attempting to hide as much as possible.
“I don’t think Peter-” El began, but she was interrupted.
“Neal. George. Caffrey.” Peter’s voice. Stern and deep. His patented “Caffrey, you are in big trouble” voice, even if he’d never said Neal’s full name like that before.
Neal cringed and looked up through the haze of tears to find Peter standing in the doorway, fists on his hips, and giving Neal a look that plainly indicated he was not happy with him. “I better not ever hear you say such a thing again, do you understand?” he asked, walking toward the bed, his eyes never leaving Neal’s face.
“Wh-what - I don’t-” Neal began, but before he could truly begin to protest, Peter bent over, slid his hands around Neal’s ribs, and lifted him out of bed. He parked Neal on his hip and held him firmly, one hand gripping Neal’s arm, making it clear that Neal wasn’t going anywhere.
“I want you to listen to me, and I want you to make absolutely certain you remember three things,” Peter continued, as though Neal had never attempted to speak. “You remember this, and don’t you ever doubt it, you hear me?” There was a warmth in Peter’s eyes that didn’t seem to mesh with the sternness he was demonstrating, and Neal nodded uncertainly. He knew better than to interrupt Peter in this mode, but he was completely baffled as to what he was talking about. One of his hands was clinging to Peter’s shirt, and he was only dimly aware that his other hand was still gripping the bear El had given him, and it was wedged in between his body and Peter’s chest.
“First of all, I haven’t ever regretted taking your deal for even a moment. There have been moments of frustration and anger, but not regret, you got that?” Neal nodded, reaching up with one hand to swipe at his eyes, and Peter then tapped a finger beneath Neal’s chin, getting him to look at Peter again. “And second, I know that things have been pretty crappy lately, but that doesn’t change one very important thing: you are family. Family doesn’t stop just because things get rocky. They may not agree on something, they may have arguments and not get along for a while, but when they’re needed, they’re still there. And you, buddy, are family. I think you have been since around the time I first found you on my couch with El.” He gave Neal a hint of a smile, then, and Neal tried to return it, but he didn’t think he quite pulled it off. “Don’t forget that, Neal, ever, okay?” He waited until Neal nodded shakily, and then said, “I’m sorry if I rattled you even more when I came in here. I wanted to make sure I really got your attention, okay?”
Neal let out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. “Okay,” he whispered.
Peter’s hand moved to his shoulder and squeezed reassuringly. “Even more than those things, though, I want you to know that this is the most important thing.” Peter paused and took a deep breath. “I want you to remember all of this and don’t ever doubt it: we love you. You are our family, and we love you.” Peter’s warm brown eyes were gleaming with unshed tears now, staring into Neal’s face as though he could will Neal into believing what he was saying. And for just a moment, Neal was almost grateful to be a child - if only because he was certain Peter wouldn’t have been able to tell him these things if he had remained normal. “Don’t you ever doubt that for a second, okay?” Peter continued, and Neal nodded again, unable to speak as tears streamed down his cheeks. Peter released his grip on Neal’s shoulder and, instead, pulled him closer, his hand warm on the back of Neal’s neck, and Neal crumpled. He threw his arms around Peter’s neck and bawled uncontrollably into his shoulder.
*
He wasn’t sure how long Peter simply stood there and held him. The next time he was truly aware of his position, Peter was sitting on the bed, leaning against the headboard, and holding Neal in his lap while Neal continued to cry into his shirt. El was sitting beside Peter, occasionally stroking Neal’s hair. At some point, the soft blue blanket El had added to the bed that morning had been wrapped around him, but he had no idea when or how it had happened. He was too overcome with months of suppressed emotions to have noticed. And he couldn’t stop. No matter how much he wished he wasn’t bawling into Peter’s chest, he couldn’t seem to hold back the flood any longer. He scrubbed at his eyes and managed to hiccup, “I-I’m sorry, Peter, I’m sorry.”
Peter tightened his arms around Neal, one hand still cradling the back of Neal’s head, and said quietly, “For what?”
“I-I know you h-hate c-crying. I’m s-sorry,” he choked out.
“Hey, it’s okay,” Peter said softly, brushing his hand over Neal’s hair. “You don’t ever have to apologize for what you’re feeling, kiddo, no matter what size you are.” Neal could hear the teasing tone in Peter’s voice, and he managed a ghost of a smile in response.
He glanced up at Peter, then ducked his head. He couldn’t look at Peter if he ever hoped to get out what he wanted to say. “I-I’m s-sorry for… for everything else, too. I-I wanted to tell you about H-Hagen a-and ev-everything th-that h-happened, b-but I c-couldn’t. I d-don’t ex-pect you to ever for-give me, b-but I’m s-sorry.” There was more, so much more, he wished he could say, but he had no idea how to begin to explain anything to Peter without revealing things he knew Peter didn’t actually want to know.
Peter just held him close for several moments, then said quietly, “I’ve been thinking today about things between us, actually. And I realized that there’s something about your situation that we can use to our advantage, if you want to.”
“W-what?” Neal asked, looking up at Peter, trying to read his expression.
“Well, for one thing, I’m not wearing my badge,” Peter began, meeting Neal’s gaze. “And even if I were, I don’t think there’s a prosecutor anywhere in the country that would pursue charges for anything I said that included the words, ‘My CI confessed when he was eight.’” He grinned as he spoke, and Neal coughed out a surprised snort of amusement. “I think that pretty well guarantees you’ve got full immunity for anything you want to talk about.”
“Really?” Neal breathed, hardly daring to believe it was possible.
“Really,” Peter stated firmly. “You know, for two guys as smart as we are, we keep doing one really dumb thing over and over: we try to outsmart each other, or hide things from each other, instead of just asking each other what the hell is going on, and then telling each other the truth. I think partners are supposed to do better than that.”
Neal wiped his face with the sleeve of his pajama shirt and peered up at Peter, then frowned as he spoke. “That sounds like s-something El would s-say.”
El giggled as Peter grinned. “Well, I am smart enough to know when my wife is right, at least.” Neal couldn’t help but grin back, and El ruffled his hair, then handed him several tissues from the table beside her. Neal murmured his thanks and put them to good use.
When he’d finished mopping at his face, El took them from him and handed him a bottle of Gatorade. “Drink some before you start talking again,” she advised, and he obeyed. He was amazed at how much it helped his throat.
“So, um… what do you want to talk about first?” Neal asked hesitantly, once he’d finished drinking and El set the bottle aside.
Peter gave him a warm smile this time. “Where do you think we need to start? We seemed to do pretty well for a while, but then…” He trailed off, and Neal nodded.
“Yeah,” he murmured. “Then we kinda self-destructed.”
Peter nodded in agreement. “So… when do you think we went wrong?”
Neal thought for a moment, then said, “When James showed up. Around then, at least. I mean, after the island, we were good, I thought. And then… after Ellen died, I thought James was the only way to learn what happened. But you just assumed immediately that I’d broken our promise. I was… well, hurt, but then he disappeared, and I just… I felt like you didn’t trust me, in spite of everything. And we got better, but then-”
El cut in. “Then I asked you to keep Peter out of things, which obviously worked so well!” She shook her head, still not happy with the way things had turned out.
Peter shifted Neal on his lap in order to wrap his arm around El, too, and Neal said, “But you weren’t the only thing, El. I wanted to keep Peter safe, too. And we were still okay, until…”
Peter shook his head and cut in. “Until you stole the gold, right after I got out.”
Neal ducked his head guiltily. “Yeah. But… you’d just told me you were proud of me, for the first time, and then…” He paused and swiped at his eyes. “But then, you-you just knew I was guilty. And I didn’t know what you knew, and it just felt like…”
“Like I didn’t trust you at all,” Peter put in.
Neal nodded and sighed. “Yeah. Again. Like you said, we keep doing that.”
El shook her head. “I shouldn’t have asked you to do whatever it took. I’m so sorry, Neal. I still don’t know why I thought I should tell you that. I was desperate, but I should have known you were already trying to help.”
Neal put his hand on her arm. “It’s not your fault. I was trying to find a way to help Peter, anyway. I couldn’t stand that it was because of James.” He looked up at Peter, remembering how desperately he’d wanted to protect his friend - his family. “You’d already risked so much, telling me to run from Kramer, and then finding me to protect me from Collins - I couldn’t let you go to jail because of James! Or lose your career because of me! I couldn’t!” He had to stop and swallow repeatedly, trying to get some control over his emotions. “El didn’t have to tell me I owed you, or to do whatever it took - I was trying! Mozzie and I looked everywhere for James. I told him to do the right thing-”
Peter cut in again. “You told James?! When did you see him?”
Neal nodded, still trying to stop the tears. “That day, after they arrested you. I came home, and he was there. I tried to get him to confess, to get you off, but he refused, said he wasn’t going back. He told me not to make him do something he’d regret-”
“He threatened you?! Was he armed?” Peter demanded.
“I-I never saw the gun, but he acted like it was in his pocket.”
Before Peter could respond, El asked, “So what did you and Mozzie do?”
“We were brain storming when Hagen texted me. I didn’t know it was him until I got to the rendezvous. He already had the prosecutor willing to let you off, if I provided some evidence.”
Peter put a hand on Neal’s arm, stopping him. “Wait. You let me believe that you bribed him,” he accused.
Neal shook his head. “I never said that. I just gave him something he could use to get you off.”
Peter sighed at the deflection. “How did you do it?”
“Mozzie got software like Sara’s -”
“-Of course he did!” Peter interjected, rolling his eyes, and El giggled at his indignant expression.
“-And I had a voicemail from James,” Neal continue, ignoring the interruption, “I didn’t say anything that wasn’t true, except that I was him. Everything else was true. I couldn’t let you give up your career because of me, I c-couldn’t!” His voice broke, and he turned his face toward Peter’s shoulder as he tried desperately not to cry yet again, but unable to completely stop himself.
Peter’s arms tightened around him. “Shhh. It’s okay,” he said softly, one hand brushing over Neal’s hair. A moment later, El’s hand began gently rubbing across his shoulders.
After a few moments, Peter asked, “What else happened with Hagen? Do you think he and Rachel were working together then?”
Neal shrugged as he scrubbed at his face. “I don’t know. It wouldn’t surprise me. He said I had to get the payment for the prosecutor-”
“-The gold,” Peter supplied, sighing.
“-Right. And he set it up so I’d really only have one way in - it’s what tipped you off, too. And he recorded me.” Neal sighed and shifted in Peter’s embrace, looking down at the somewhat damp teddy bear that was in his lap, though he scarcely remembered how it had managed to stay with him.
“He was blackmailing you?!” El asked, looking startled.
Neal nodded. “Yeah. Everything else was about that. The Codex, everything. It was all because of him. And Rachel, I suppose, but he was involved, regardless of who was deciding everything.”
Peter chimed in. “What happened to the recording?”
“I got it from Rachel the night you arrested her. I destroyed the thumb drive. She said it was the only copy.”
El patted his knee, then handed him more tissues.
“Why didn’t you tell me you didn’t bribe the prosecutor?” Peter asked, and Neal could tell he was trying to remain calm.
He finished scrubbing at his face for the moment, and El took the tissues from him. “I-I didn’t think you’d believe me, and I was afraid you’d report it if I told you, and we’d be right back with you in jeopardy. And it would have been incriminating about what I did do. And… then you called in Siegel. And put on a new anklet. I just… I didn’t think you trusted me enough for me to tell you,” Neal answered, his fingers idly toying with the tie on the bear. He couldn’t look at Peter or El at the moment, or he knew he’d lose what little control on his emotions he had left.
Peter squeezed his shoulders and said quietly, “And I called you a criminal, said I shouldn’t have expected anything else.”
“Yes,” Neal all-but-whispered in the smallest voice possible.
“I’m so sorry, Neal, I was stupid and frustrated and angry and I knew I hurt you, and I shouldn’t have done that. I’m so sorry. El’s right. Sometimes, we’re really, really stupid.” Peter gave a huge sigh, still holding him close, and then asked, “Do you want to know why I called in Siegel, tried to change things up?”
“Yes?” Neal answered tentatively as El reached over to brush his hair out of his face.
Peter sighed again, and rubbed a hand over his face. “I was scared. I was worried sick. I’d just spent six weeks in lock-up. It wasn’t as bad as where you were, but it was bad enough. I was safe, I was protected, but it made me even more worried about you ever going back. You know how you couldn’t stand the idea of me losing my career? That’s about how badly I couldn’t stand the idea of you going back. If they sent you there, it would be for a long, long time. I couldn’t stand that. You don’t belong in a place like that, ever again. It would break our hearts if that happened to you, and again every time we visited you-”
“-you’d visit?” Neal couldn’t help interjecting.
El leaned over to make sure he met her eyes as she squeezed his hand. “Of course we would. You’re family, remember? But it would break our hearts to have you there, as well as worry us sick. Neither of us want that to ever happen, okay?” He nodded, almost automatically.
Peter’s hand came up to stroke his hair, then guided his head onto Peter’s shoulder. “I couldn’t stand the idea of you being there,” Peter continued, his voice warm and caring. “And I get out, and almost immediately, it looked like things were worse than they’d been in a long time: you just stole something so damn huge, and I had no idea how to protect you. I was scared - for you, for El and me. After being in there, I was afraid that I wouldn’t have any way to save either of us if something went wrong again. The only thing I could think of was to try to get someone new in - maybe it’d change things up enough that it’d keep you straight for a while. I just - I was scared sick for all of us. And things just kept getting worse, and I didn’t know how to fix them. And then Siegel got killed, and… things were spiraling out of any damn possibility of control, and I was as lost as I’d ever been since we started working together. I didn’t know what the hell I should do.”
Neal prodded Peter in the chest. “Hey,” he said, unable to resist the temptation, and hoping to lighten the mood just a bit. “Don’t swear in front of the kid.”
Peter snorted a laugh. “All right, I suppose that’s fair,” he replied, shaking his head in amusement.
El sighed and rolled her eyes. “I’m still trying to comprehend how the idea of just talking to each other never occurred to the smartest men I know.”
“I couldn’t!” Neal protested before Peter could begin to answer. “I thought - I thought you were ready to be done with me. That that was why you were changing things up, and talking about going to D.C. I thought you’d g-given up on me.”
“Oh, sweetie…” El began, but Peter interrupted her, using one finger beneath Neal’s chin, getting him to meet Peter’s intense gaze.
“Never!” Peter stated firmly. “You’re my partner, and my family. We’ve done a really lousy job of showing that lately, I know, and we’re going to change some things. We’re going to figure out a code or something for when you need to talk to me off the record or with immunity. I don’t know what, but-”
“-Can I see your badge?” Neal interrupted as inspiration struck.
“-My badge? I don’t-”
“-No, that’s our code. ‘Can I see your badge?’ can be our code for me needing to talk to you.”
Peter’s eyes lit up. “Yes! That’s good-” he began, but then it was El’s turn to interrupt.
“But you both have to use it,” she chimed in, pointing her finger in mock-sternness at each of them. “And you both better remember that it also means you need to tell the truth and stop trying to hide things from each other, too.”
Peter gave her an almost sheepish grin. “Yes, ma’am,” he replied, and then they both looked expectantly at Neal. “Right?” Peter prompted.
“Yes, ma’am,” he answered hesitantly, and El smiled and squeezed his hand.
Peter picked up the topic again. “So, right. That’ll be the code that you need to trust me with something, and I need to trust you to tell me, okay?” Neal nodded, and Peter met his gaze seriously. “And I’m still so sorry I hurt you, Neal. I wish I could say I didn’t mean it, but I was so angry and frustrated, I probably did at the time. But I wouldn’t hurt you like that on purpose for anything. I’m so sorry. We’re going to make things different from now on, I swear-”
“For two weeks?” Neal blurted, then clamped a hand over his mouth. Dammit. He hadn’t meant to say what he’d been thinking. This all sounded too good to be true, honestly, and the Burkes’ impending move to D.C. pretty much cemented that, as far as he could tell.
Peter blinked at him for a moment, looking confused. “What? Oh - uh - no, actually,” he replied. He glanced at El, then took her hand in his, and tightened his other arm around Neal. “We-uh-we have something to tell you about that. Earlier, while you were asleep, El and I made some phone calls. We’re not going to D.C. I turned down the job there.”
“What?” Neal gasped, staring at them both in disbelief.
El picked up where Peter had left off, and said calmly, “I made a deal with the National Gallery: I’ll be splitting my time between D.C. and BPE. I can work from home some, and I’ll be going to D.C. for a day or two at a time.”
“But… you… you both wanted those jobs! You deserve them!” Neal protested, his eyes darting back and forth between them, looking for a sign that he was imagining all this. “Y-you can’t give them up!”
Peter regarded him seriously. “The happiest I have ever been at work has been working as your partner. I’m not ready to give that up. And, you know, I do own you for four years, and that’s not up yet.” Peter’s eyes glinted in amusement at the gentle teasing.
Elizabeth chimed in, “And I’m not ready to give up BPE. This way, I don’t have to.”
“But… you can’t give them up! You-”
Peter stopped him by holding up his hand for quiet. “I will admit that you being sick helped us to think about some things differently, but we both realized we’d been thinking those things anyway. I’m not ready to completely give up field work. Jones is going to take on some of the administrative stuff, too, and I’ll still be able to do field work, as well as the desk stuff. I wasn’t looking forward to all the meetings and desk work in D.C., even though it was a tempting offer. And there’s no way I should be rewarded with a big promotion and leave you here. We’re a team, and I’m not going to break that up.”
Neal looked back and forth between them, trying to fight back the wave of emotions at their pronouncement and also trying to make absolutely sure they were certain, too. “You’re sure? Both of you?”
They both nodded. “Absolutely,” Peter answered, just as El said, “Definitely.”
Peter grinned and wrapped his arms tightly around both Neal and El. “You’re stuck with us, kiddo,” he said, “I hope you’re okay with that.”
Neal nodded as El smiled at him warmly. “I think you’re stuck with me, too, Butch.”
El laughed at the nickname, while Peter chuckled. “Does that make me Etta?” El asked, grinning, and Neal laughed as Peter scowled.
Before he could reply, Peter chimed in, “Not unless you’re leaving me for him,” he grumbled.
El laughed again and teased, “Didn’t she… hmm… spend time with both of them?” Neal coughed to try to cover up his giggle at Peter’s indignant scowl, and Peter poked him good-naturedly.
“Watch it, buddy,” he grumbled, as Neal squealed at the finger in his ribs. Peter looked surprised, then laughed. “Oh, just wait till you’re not sick…” he teased.
Neal stuck his tongue out at Peter, making all three of them laugh. Then El handed him the bottle of Gatorade again. “Drink some more, and then you need to sleep,” she instructed. While he was dutifully drinking, she brushed his hair from his face. “Do you want anything else before you try to rest a while?”
He shook his head. “No, I’m good, thanks.”
“Okay,” she replied, and stood up. “I’ll be right back.”
Peter nodded at her, and smoothed the blanket over Neal’s legs. “I guess I ought to get off you now, huh?” he asked rhetorically, but Peter stopped him when he squirmed.
“You’re fine,” he answered, tucking the blanket around Neal’s feet. “You don’t have to go anywhere.”
Before he could respond, El returned with a wet washcloth in her hand. She sat down beside them and started to wipe Neal’s face. He looked up in surprise and tried to take it from her, but she just smiled and used her other hand to push his away. “Just close your eyes,” she said softly, and he sighed and gave in.
When she’d finished, she took the empty Gatorade bottle from his hand. “Do you think you can sleep okay now?” she asked and he looked up and nodded, realizing just then how tired he truly felt. He wasn’t surprised that his headache was back with a vengeance, after all the crying he’d been doing, but it was already lessening now that he had finally been able to stop.
She and Peter shifted around, helping him lie down and straighten the blankets. Peter gently ruffled his hair as El leaned in and kissed his forehead. “Get some sleep, buddy,” Peter said quietly, and Neal nodded as El turned off the lamp beside the bed. He was asleep before they’d left the room…
~*~
His fever finally broke later that night, and his recovery went smoothly thereafter. But by Sunday night, he was still a child, and he and Peter sat on the living room couch and discussed what to do about work the following day. Mozzie hadn’t been able to find anything helpful, and no one had any idea how to get him back to normal.
Mozzie had offered to “babysit” Neal the following day while Peter and El worked, but that had been vetoed immediately by Peter on the grounds that he wasn’t leaving Mozzie unsupervised in their home. Neal had protested that he was still perfectly capable of staying by himself, but that was met with a resounding veto almost as quickly as Mozzie’s offer.
Peter’s best idea was to say that he’d caught Neal’s flu and that Neal was still recovering, which should buy them at least a couple more days. Neal didn’t like the idea very well, but under the circumstances, it seemed like the best option.
“So you agree?” Peter pressed, and Neal nodded tiredly. He was feeling much better, but he had been dismayed to find that, even though he was feeling mostly well again, he still seemed to be dead tired at a much earlier time of evening than he usually did. Peter smirked at him whenever he started yawning at “bedtime,” so he did his best to hide the fact as much as possible. He had a feeling that he wasn’t fooling Peter - or El, for that matter - at all, but somehow, it was endearing to be known so well.
It was just past nine p.m., and he was already in his pajamas (at El’s insistence), curled up on the couch beside Peter with a cup of El’s Famous Cocoa and a blanket. The cool, wet weather had continued the last few days, and the additional warmth was most welcome.
With their decision made, for the moment at least, Peter patted him on the shoulder, then picked up the remote and turned on ESPN. Neal rolled his eyes at the ever-so-predictable action, but hid his expression in his cup of cocoa.
He had no idea when he actually fell asleep, but he half-woke as Peter was carrying him upstairs. He was deposited carefully into his bed, and Peter pulled the blankets over him, then tucked his bear in beside him. He couldn’t help but grin at that, and Peter noticed. “I thought you were asleep,” Peter said softly, sitting down beside him and brushing his hand over Neal’s hair.
“I was,” Neal murmured. He blinked his eyes open and looked up at Peter. “Thanks, Peter,” he said quietly, meeting those warm brown eyes. “For everything. I-I never expected…” he paused, searching for the right words, “I didn’t think things would ever get back like they were, but you and El… you’ve made things even better. I can’t ever thank you both enough for that.”
Peter gave him an affectionate smile, his hand still on Neal’s hair. “You, too, buddy. I can’t tell you how glad I am to have ‘us’ back, even better than before.” Neal felt warmth spread through him that had nothing to do with the blankets Peter had draped over him. He smiled contentedly, and let his eyes close again. Peter sat beside him, gently stroking his hair, as he slipped back into sleep…
… and awoke abruptly as a flash of heat seared through him. He sat up, gasping for breath. And groaned at the flare of pain behind his eyes. Not again! He rubbed his forehead, then rubbed his eyes tiredly. At least he didn’t feel sick again. Maybe it was just some sort of weird side-effect of having been ill? After a few moments, he felt better, and lay back down - only to bolt back upright with a strangled yell when the coolness of the sheets made him suddenly realize he was naked.
He quickly reached out for the bedside lamp - and reached it easily. Frowning in confusion, he flicked it on, just as his door burst open and Peter entered with El right on his heels. Neal gave a definite squawk of surprise, and Peter and El stopped dead just inside the doorway and stared. Neal glanced downward and realized they were staring at his naked torso just as Peter managed to sputter, “Y-you’re - you’re you.” El gave a slight push on Peter’s shoulder, urging him to move out of the way.
“Are you okay?” she asked, stepping closer, and he instinctively clutched at the covers.
“I-I’m f-fine, I think,” he stammered, “b-but I-I don’t know what happened to my clothes.”
El covered her mouth with her hand as she smiled, trying not to laugh. Peter had no such inclinations. He snorted, then chuckled outright at Neal’s obvious embarrassment. Neal leveled a glare at him, but before he could say anything, El came to his rescue. “Hon, give him a break. Neal, we’ll wait outside till you get dressed.” She grabbed the sleeve of Peter’s tee-shirt and pulled him into the hall, closing the door behind them.
Neal located some of his pajamas in the bag Peter had packed for him, dressed quickly, then opened the bedroom door. El gave him a dazzling smile, then wrapped her arms around him, hugging him tightly. “Welcome back,” she murmured against his shoulder as he returned the hug.
“Thanks.” He glanced up to see Peter looking at them, his expression just as warm and welcoming as El’s had been. When El released him, Peter pulled him into an even tighter hug, holding him close for several moments.
“I think we all need some cocoa,” El said decisively, and started down the stairs. Peter gave Neal an amused grin as they followed her.
*
They sat on the couch, Satchmo happily snoring at their feet, to drink their cocoa. “I guess we don’t get to play hooky tomorrow after all,” Neal said, glancing at Peter as he blew into his cocoa to cool it, disturbing the marshmallows floating there.
Peter shook his head. “It’s already arranged. We’ll just enjoy a day off before jumping back into things. We can work on some case files from here.”
“Really?” Neal asked doubtfully, finding it hard to believe that Peter was being so casual about this.
Peter nodded decisively. “Yep. Jones can handle things one more day.”
“Okay…” Neal sipped his cocoa, his brain still spinning, trying to process everything that had happened the last few days. He knew he’d never forget how it had felt to have Peter and Elizabeth taking such good care of him - wanting to take care of him. And even though he obviously didn’t need them the same way now that he was normal again, it still felt like they would, if he needed them. He didn’t know when he’d last felt that, with anyone.
And with that realization, he also realized there was something else he needed them to know. He cleared his throat nervously. “Um… I-I realized I never really replied to what you said earlier, about family?” He didn’t quite know why he managed to make that sound like a question, but it did. They both looked at him expectantly, but didn’t interrupt. He stared at his hands, wrapped around his mug. “I-I haven’t ever had much of a conventional family, but… well, conventional or not, I couldn’t imagine anyone I’d want to claim as family more than both of you.” He took a deep breath. There was no way he could look at them and still get this out. “And-and I-I love you both,” he managed to get the words out, but his voice was barely above a whisper.
Peter wrapped an arm around his shoulders from one side, giving him a strong hug, and El leaned into his other side and pressed a kiss against his cheek while she squeezed his arm. “We know, sweetie,” she said softly, leaning her cheek against his shoulder for a moment.
He cleared his throat, swallowing hard to get his voice to work again. He needed them to know something else, and it was just as important in its own way. “C-Can I tell you something that’s not crime-related? I mean, if it’s okay - can I see your badge, first?”
They both smiled at him warmly, and Peter mimed handing him his badge from his pajama pocket. “Let’s just assume the immunity stands until we’re back at work like normal,” he replied, giving Neal that same fond smile he’d worn a lot the last few days.
Neal took a deep breath and stared into his cocoa cup. “I-I took the $2 million from Dr. Summers, but I took it for Mozzie.”
“Why Mozzie?” The Archaeologist beside him couldn’t help but ask, apparently.
“It’s a long story but, after the Teddy Winters thing, he needed the money. I can tell you the rest later, okay?” Peter nodded, and Neal continued, “But after I gave it to him, Mozzie asked if I was coming back to the life. I told him maybe. And I told him I had too many ties on me, and I wanted to cut them. He asked which ones, and I told him, ‘Eventually, all of them.’ I thought - I thought there wasn’t any reason for me to stay here anymore, that I shouldn’t stay with the Bureau. I didn’t think it mattered to you like before.”
“You were going to leave?” Peter asked, looking stunned at Neal’s admission.
Neal nodded and rubbed at his forehead tiredly. “At some point. I-I didn’t have a definite timeframe in mind, but I just knew that I couldn’t stay with things like they were. I didn’t want to never be able to come back to New York, but… but it didn’t feel like ‘home’ anymore, and I couldn’t stay like that.”
El took his hand in hers and met his gaze. “Does it feel more like home now?”
Neal nodded again, staring at her, and for once, hoping that she could see what he meant, what he felt, as he answered, “I think so. I want it to be.”
El’s eyes were full of emotion, too. “Do you think you can trust us to help it feel like home again, like family?”
Neal smiled, feeling just a hint of tears in his eyes, and nodded. “I-I realized I’d forgotten something. I trust you both to be family, but…” He paused and looked at Peter, meeting the warmth in Peter’s eyes. “I forgot that, even when there isn’t trust, there’s faith. I have faith in both of you. I just needed to be reminded of that.”
Peter hugged him tightly, and El wrapped her arms around them both. “I think we all needed that reminder, buddy,” Peter said softly, “Keep the faith, right?”
~***~
Epilogue:
Peter ran up just as they were about to load Neal into the ambulance. “Neal!” His face was flushed from running.
“Peter…” Neal groaned, lifting a hand toward his head. “Keller?” he asked.
Peter’s face clouded. “Yeah, I’m sorry, Neal. He’s dead.”
“What? How?” Neal asked, struggling against the hands that were holding him down on the gurney.
“A LEO got him after he threatened to shoot a by-stander. I’ll find out more later. How are you?” Peter asked, leaning in closely.
“Okay. I whacked my head when I fell, but I’m okay.” Peter glanced at the paramedic who was checking Neal, and the guy nodded.
“Good, but you’re getting checked out, and I’m going with you,” Peter said decisively as the EMTs loaded Neal inside, and Peter climbed up beside him…
*
When Neal and Peter entered the Burke home a few hours later, El, Mozzie, June, Clinton and Diana were already there. A general cheer rose from the group, and Neal waved tiredly in response as Peter leaned in to give El a kiss.
Mozzie presented them both with glasses of champagne, and June waved them toward the dining table, where a cake sat waiting. Neal stepped closer and laughed when he saw the cake - showing a bird flying from a cage, and the words, “Freedom at Last.”
They all raised their glasses in a toast, and Peter began. “Thank you all for being here, and for all you’ve done to make sure the Panthers won’t ever hurt anyone again. We couldn’t have done it without each of you.” He glanced at Mozzie then, and nodded.
Mozzie grinned as he said, “To freedom.”
Peter met Neal’s eyes, and added, “To family.”
Neal smiled and stated firmly, “To faith.”
~THE END~
Notes:
I have to thank my wonderful, amazing friends for all their help and encouragement on this. Thanks so much to: china_shop for her amazing beta help, even when she really didn't feel well; to jet44 for being such a wonderful cheerleader and friend; to Allie for always, always being ready to help when I need it; and especially to kanarek13 not only for her incredible, amazing talent with art, but for being just as talented and amazing as a friend and cheerleader/encourager. *GLOMPS* you all!!
