FIC: "On a Planet that Insists" | NC-17 | Merlin/Arthur | Part 3 of 3
Title: On a Planet that Insists
Rating: NC-17
Author's notes and warnings are here.
← part two
With the bike fair successfully behind them, Arthur and Merlin both turned their attention in the successive weeks to actual coursework and university applications. Impressed and pleased by their efforts, Headmaster Gaius had been remarkably easy to sway into purchasing the new bike stands and having them installed, and by the first week of October they were in place, covered and all. Arthur was pleased, but Merlin was delighted, and his delight was annoyingly infectious.
"We've got a group coming to your football match tonight," Merlin said, beaming at him one Friday afternoon.
"Really?" Arthur said.
Merlin nodded. "Yeah. I asked them to make an announcement during registration yesterday in a bunch of the classes, and I think a good crowd's gonna come. We're all gonna ride our bikes again, isn't that great?"
Arthur didn't know quite what to say. "Yeah. That's-that's awesome."
Merlin grinned. "I just hope you lot are as entertaining as the hockey club. Those ladies are fierce."
"We're not. I meant it when I said that we're really quite bad. We've not won a game yet."
"Do you all still wear those knee socks, with shorts and everything?" Merlin asked.
Arthur raised his eyebrows.
"Cause that's really all that matters, from an entertainment standpoint."
Arthur snorted. "Shut up, Merlin."
#
One Monday in October, they opted to have their student council meeting at Arthur's flat, the better to play video games when they adjourned. Arthur gave Merlin a thorough trouncing, and afterwards, the two of them were lounging on Arthur's bed, avoiding homework.
"What time do you think Leon will be back?" Merlin asked, looking at Arthur's ceiling. It was Leon's night off, but he'd agreed to give Merlin a ride home when he returned.
"Dunno. He said not late. They were just gonna get a light supper after the film, I think."
"It's so funny to think of him being on a date, isn't it? Like he's an actual person or something?"
Arthur snorted. "He dated a lot in the States, actually, so I'm used to the idea."
"Was it the accent, you think?" Merlin asked, grinning.
"Must've been," Arthur agreed. "Can't think of what else."
They laughed, and then got quiet for a while, for no reason Arthur could work out, until Merlin asked, "So what was it like, with your dad?"
"What do you mean?"
"Your fights with him. They must have been awful, for you to choose to leave everything. I mean, no one wants to start at a new school with only one year left, and that's people who are miserable. You sound like you actually liked your school, with all your football and basketball and hordes of fawning admirers."
Arthur kicked him. "I never said I had hordes of fawning admirers."
Merlin grinned. "You kinda did."
"Shut up."
"But seriously, it sounds to me like you were really happy there, so your home life must have been complete shit."
Arthur sighed. He wanted to just nod and say, Yeah, Dad's bloody awful, but he could already feel the truth pushing its way forward, the way it so often did when he was alone with Merlin. "It wasn't-" he started. "It wasn't that bad, really. My father's never been an easy man to be close with, but for the most part we actually get on quite well, when I don't fuck up."
Merlin looked at him, frowning.
"I wasn't honest about why I left," Arthur admitted. "Things did get pretty dicey with my dad, but only because of something else that happened. That didn't have anything to do with him."
"You don't have to tell me," Merlin said, after Arthur was quiet for a minute.
"I know," Arthur said. He swallowed. "I was expelled, actually." He glanced helplessly at Merlin and away, and started picking at a loose thread on his duvet cover. "So I didn't have a choice about leaving. Well, I chose to come here-back to England, I mean-I could have stayed in the States, but. I decided not to."
"Shit," Merlin said, after a moment. "What happened?" He sounded more concerned than scandalised, so Arthur took a breath and continued.
"The official record is that I was expelled for reckless and criminal behaviour." He glanced at Merlin briefly, who was looking at him with wide eyes. "Drunk driving," Arthur finally managed, "and underage drinking."
"Shit," Merlin said again. "Is that why you can't get a licence?" Arthur nodded. There was an unbearable silence, while Arthur's confession sunk in. He tried to tell himself that he didn't care if Merlin judged him for this, that theirs wasn't yet the sort of friendship it would hurt to lose, but he didn't get very far convincing himself.
Merlin shifted on the bed, and for a moment Arthur thought he was getting up to leave, but he only sat up so he could face Arthur properly. "So if that's the official record," Merlin said, when he was settled, "what actually happened?"
Arthur gave him a rueful smile. "Some of it happened like that," he said. "You can't drink at all there, until you're twenty-one, and I did, so. That part happened." He took a deep breath. "It was in the spring, near the end of the basketball season. Most of us were on the football team together too, so we were all good friends. One of the blokes on the team's parents were out of town, so he had a party. It was quite, um," Arthur paused to blow out a breath, "well-stocked. He had a couple of older brothers, I think, who could buy for him, so it was really easy. You remember my mate, Val? Chris Valiant, from that football picture?"
Merlin nodded.
"He was especially well pissed-we all were, but he was-beyond. Anyway, he ended up getting really mad and decided to leave the party. This was at, like, one in the morning. He got in his car, and I was running after him, banging on his windows, whatever, telling him not to be so stupid. He didn't make it very far. Only managed to back the car out into the street, ram it into two parked cars at once, get it going forwards and into a tree. He never got the thing going over about fifteen miles an hour, so no one was hurt and there wasn't any truly serious damage, but there was no question what had happened."
"Good thing he didn't run you over," Merlin said.
Arthur huffed a nervous laugh. "Yeah, I guess. So, he got out of the car and started, just-freaking out. He already had a couple of marks on his record, and had been told if he fucked up again, there'd be serious hell to pay. He already had university lined up at that point, with an athletic scholarship and everything, so this was going to be really bad. He'd lose all of that, no question." The loose thread Arthur was pulling at gave a little, a couple stitches coming undone, so it was long enough to wrap around his fingertip.
"Whereas I," he continued, "had a clean record. Not so much as a detention in two years."
"Arthur," Merlin said, and Arthur couldn't look at him. "Arthur, tell me you didn't."
"It seemed likely they'd go easier on me. And it was my fault-the reason he got so mad in the first place was because of an argument he and I'd been having, so. It felt like I had to. I felt like I owed it to him. The cops were there so fast-a neighbour must have called as soon as I started yelling at him, I dunno. Maybe even sooner. So there wasn't time to think it through. Not that I could have, at the time."
"But you told them afterwards, right? That Val had coerced you into taking the fall for him?"
Arthur shook his head. "He didn't coerce me. Not really. It was my own decision. Not a wise one, perhaps, but mine."
Merlin looked horrified. "Arthur, are you serious?"
Arthur just shrugged. "The school decided to make an example of me. Not that it wasn't a justified punishment, because it was. We were just about to have the elections for the following year's student council, and it was basically assumed that I'd be elected student body president, as a senior. And then this happened, and I think they wanted to show that none of us was above the rules, and they were right to do it. I was lucky, actually-not only did they allow me to come back to sit my exams so the year wasn't completely wasted, but the court let me off easy in light of my immediate expulsion. Just a bit of community service over the summer. If Andersen had let me stay, I'd probably have got a lot more."
Merlin fish-mouthed. "What are you talking about, 'they were right to do it' and 'justified punishment'? You didn't do anything!"
"They didn't know that."
"What about your father?" Merlin all but shouted. "Surely, once he knew the truth, he didn't just sit by and watch you take the full brunt of it, while bloody Val skated off to university like it was nothing?"
"It wasn't nothing. He lost his scholarship. His parents could afford to pay his tuition, so it didn't matter as much as it could have, but it was something. And my father didn't know the truth."
"What?"
Arthur shrugged.
"You let him think you did it? Does he still think you did it?"
"I took full responsibility, Merlin."
"So you never told anyone? No one knows?"
"Leon knows. Not officially, because I never admitted to him that he was right, but he never believed that I did it."
Merlin breathed a small laugh. "I'm glad someone in your life sees you for who you really are."
Arthur snorted, and looked away.
There was another silence, for a long minute. "Why did you tell me?"
Arthur looked at him. "What?"
"You've never told anyone, not even admitted it to Leon. Why did you tell me?"
Arthur blinked, and felt his heart speed up. "I don't know," he said, and it was the truth. "Just wanted you to know, I guess." He turned back to the loose thread between his fingers, blushing.
"You are infuriating," Merlin said softly.
"Sorry," Arthur replied, not really understanding.
There was a beat, and then Merlin was moving, pushing himself up over his knees and into Arthur's personal space. Arthur frowned as Merlin ducked his head right in, clumsily pushing their mouths together. It was awkward and a little painful, and one of Merlin's hands came up to Arthur's shoulder and gripped, fingers digging shakily into the muscle. Arthur made a strange noise and couldn't move.
Merlin gave a hard gasp and pulled away. "Shit," he said, his ears suddenly very red. "Shit, sorry. Arthur, I-sorry." He pushed himself off the bed awkwardly and bolted from the room.
Arthur sat for several seconds, frozen. Every feeling he'd so determinedly buried since the first day came bursting back to the surface, tangled up with every rationalising thought he'd used to bury them-thoughts of Val, his father, his football mates, his future-none of which, he realised with an unsettlingly calm certainty, actually mattered at all in the face of Merlin kissing him.
The sound of the flat's front door opening and closing finally snapped him back to life, and he barrelled out the door and down the stairs.
"Merlin!" he called, when he got outside. "Merlin, stop!"
Merlin was far away, much further down the road than Arthur expected him to be, and he would choose this moment to reveal himself as a bloody sprinting star, Arthur thought, suspecting magic, and he started off after him.
"Merlin, wait!" he called again, and ahead of him Merlin slowed and turned. He didn't stop, kept taking small steps backwards down the road. "Stop it, come back!" Arthur yelled down at him.
"Really?" Merlin called back.
Arthur rolled his eyes. "No, not really! I'm out here in the cold without a jacket because I don't mean it." Merlin didn't move, visibly panting. Arthur slowed to a walk but didn't stop, kept moving towards Merlin.
Merlin heaved a great sigh and, after an age, started walking back.
They stopped with a few feet still between them.
"You really are an arse, you know," Merlin said, his breathing uneven.
Arthur nodded. "Yeah, I know. And you're an idiot."
A long moment passed, the two of them only panting.
"I told myself I wouldn't say anything," Merlin said quietly. "I didn't want you to feel-awkward, or-"
Arthur watched him stare at the ground. He wanted to say something to get Merlin looking at him again, but he couldn't think of what, so he gave up and crossed the last few feet between them and kissed him. Judging from the noise that came from somewhere in Merlin's throat, it was the right choice. His lips were dry and a little chapped against Arthur's, and he tasted like the mince pie they'd had for supper, and he didn't kiss with any sort of finesse, and he was exactly what Arthur wanted.
"Arthur," Merlin said, when they broke apart, "I-"
"I've wanted to kiss you since my first day," Arthur said, without meaning to. "I tried to stop. I tried to hate you, but-it didn't work."
Merlin stared at him, and Arthur wanted to take the words back. "So-you're an idiot, in addition to being an arse?" Merlin finally said.
"Yeah," Arthur agreed, nodding helplessly.
Merlin snorted a laugh, and Arthur smiled despite himself. Merlin looped an arm around his shoulders and pulled him in close, and they stood in the middle of the quiet road, kissing like the idiots they were, until the rain started up again and they were both shivering from the cold.
"Shit," Arthur said, when they were back at the building's front door. His left hand was firmly clasped in Merlin's, and his right was pawing at his empty trouser pockets fruitlessly. "I've left my keys inside."
Merlin shuttered with cold. "Seriously?"
"Was a bit distracted, sorry."
"Shit," Merlin said, giving a shivery laugh. "D'you think Leon would come home early so we don't freeze?"
"Probably, but-"
"Your phone's inside, as well."
"Yeah."
"Mine too."
"Brilliant." Arthur looked around, his eyes settling on the covered car park. "Let's at least get out of the rain," he said.
They jogged over to Leon's empty parking stall and sat down, pressing as close as they could. Arthur wrapped his arms tightly around Merlin's shoulders, and held on.
#
"Was he your boyfriend?" Merlin asked tentatively, some time later. Out of the rain, they'd managed to warm up a little bit, as the sound of the it echoed off the concrete around them.
"No," Arthur answered.
"But you were in love with him?" It didn't really sound like a question.
"Love's a strong word for it."
"Is it? Look at what you did for him-what you gave up for him. Did he know?"
Arthur took a minute to answer. "I kissed him that night. At the party. That's why he ran off."
"Shit," Merlin breathed.
"Yeah. I never would have, sober. That's why I felt the whole thing was my fault."
"It wasn't."
"Yeah."
"It really wasn't, Arthur."
"I know." He didn't, really, but he was starting to think he could get there.
Merlin sighed. "What was he like with you, afterwards? After everything was settled."
"We haven't talked since."
"What?" Merlin lifted his head to look at him. "Are you serious?"
Arthur nodded. "Everyone who was at the party was suspended from school immediately, and the rest of the basketball season was cancelled. By the time the initial suspensions were over, they'd decided to expel me, so. We were never in the same room again."
"But he was your best mate."
"He had been, up until then."
"I don't understand. How do you just-never speak to your best mate again?"
Arthur shrugged.
"And the rest of your team?"
"The same. I don't know how much they saw, or what Val told them afterwards, but none of them have spoken to me since that night."
Merlin stared at him. "You lost everything-your entire world-for him, and he didn't so much as say thank you? I fucking hate him."
Arthur chuckled. "Thank you, Merlin." Merlin put his head back down to Arthur's chest, and Arthur couldn't stop himself threading his fingers into his hair. He'd wondered, of course, about what had gone on in Val's head, and he'd held onto his hope for far too long that he'd come around and contact Arthur again. But sitting here with Merlin, feeling welcome and wanted and warm despite the cold, he found himself finally starting to care a little bit less.
"It doesn't feel like it, anymore," he said.
"Hmm?" Merlin rumbled against Arthur's chest. "Like what?"
"Like I lost everything."
Merlin lifted his head to look Arthur in the eye, and Arthur couldn't stop himself kissing him again. He had just begun to make a proper mess of Merlin's hair when the bright headlights of Leon's car came swooping into the parking stall.
#
Leon let them back into the flat, and then insisted on taking Merlin home almost immediately, which was actually mostly fine by Arthur, since the three of them attempting to make small talk in the lounge was painfully awkward. He changed into his pyjamas and collapsed onto his bed without cleaning his teeth, not ready to wash away the taste of Merlin just yet.
After about ten minutes, his phone chirped.
Seems Leon is rather fond of you after all.
Arthur flushed fiercely, and thumbed his reply. Oh god what did he say
That you're kind of an idiot. And that if I break your heart, he'll run over my bike with his car.
Arthur barked a laugh. He threatened to kill Kill Garra??? How fitting
It's spelt Kilgharrah, arse. And ok no, he didn't say that last bit. But he has a very strict "no breaking Arthur's heart" policy, apparently.
It was a minute before Arthur could reply.
(I promised not to, by the way.)
Im gonna kill leon
But then how will you get to school? I want to see you tomorrow.
Good point his execution will have 2 wait
Sigh, we really are gonna have to talk about they way you text. Good night, Arthur.
Arthur was just sending a snarky, annoyingly abbreviated reply when he heard Leon come back into the flat. He thought about switching off the light and pretending to be asleep, but he didn't move, and shortly Leon appeared in his doorway. Neither of them spoke right away, as Leon settled himself against the door frame.
"Are you in or out of uniform right now?" Arthur asked.
"Still my night off, isn't it?"
"You just chauffeured Merlin home."
"Favour for a friend. Off the clock."
Arthur raised his eyebrows.
"I like Merlin a lot," Leon said. "If he told you I threatened to drive over his bike with the car, it's a lie."
Arthur laughed right out loud. He quieted and felt his cheeks heat in the moment before he asked, "And what if he breaks my heart, then?"
"Well, in that case, it'll be true. And that'll be the least of it."
Arthur couldn't find anything to say to that, so he just gave a sheepish little laugh.
"I'm happy for you, Arthur," Leon said. "You deserve to be happy." Arthur had to look away without answering, suddenly fighting something hot and itchy behind his eyes. "Good night," Leon said, straightening and disappearing beyond the door.
Instead of calling out his own good night, Arthur found himself on his feet, following him.
"Arthur?" Leon said as he turned, and Arthur didn't say anything, just walked right up to him and embraced him, arms tight around his shoulders, temple pressed to his ear. There were so many things Arthur wanted to say to Leon that he didn't have the words for-so many thank-yous he didn't know where to start-but Leon's arms wrapped around his back and stayed there until Arthur let go, so maybe Leon understood.
"How was your date?" Arthur asked, gruffly, as he pulled away.
Leon's face lit up. "Really nice, thanks."
Arthur grinned. "Where did you meet this person, anyway?"
"She's called Gwen, and don't sound so surprised, I go places."
"Like where? The supermarket?"
"Shut up, you. Come have a drink with me, and I'll tell you all about her. And you can tell me about your evening, up until the point I found you the pair of you in that parking stall."
#
Arthur woke up the next morning to the sound of bucketing rain against his window, but he didn't notice it until Leon asked him, over breakfast, how Merlin would get to school on a day like this. Arthur frowned at him, chewing his toast. "On a day like wh-oh," he said, looking out the window and coming back down to earth a little. "Dunno. He told me he rides his bike rain or shine, so."
"We could offer to pick him up, if you want."
"All right," Arthur said, shooting for nonchalant. Leon is offering u a lift to school so u dont drown, he texted.
Tell Leon thank you very much, but Mum already drove me on her way to work.
Ur already there? Gross
Since 7.15. Prob for the best - magic theory test third hour that I didn't study for last night at ALL.
Not sorry
Me neither.
Arthur thought about asking Leon to take him to school a little early, but felt silly. So he arrived at the regular time and heard little to nothing that the teachers in his first three classes had to say, and then went to lunch, his eyes darting every which way, despite his brain's strict instructions to play it cool. Merlin wasn't anywhere to be seen, and it took Arthur's sluggish brain a few minutes to register that neither were any of the other magic students in their year.
Arthur sat down at an empty table and pulled out his phone, checking for emails with one hand and tucking into his sweet and sour pork with the other.
"Do you mind if we sit here?" someone asked, and Arthur looked up in surprise. It was two girls he recognised from the hockey team.
"Um, yeah," he said, shoving his phone back into his pocket. "I mean, no, I don't mind. Please sit."
The girls smiled and sat, and Arthur had an urge to check he hadn't slopped any food down his shirt. His socialising skills were certainly rusty.
"We wanted to thank you," one of the girls said after an awkward bit of small talk, "for drumming up interest in our hockey matches. We've had so many supporters lately."
"I just suggested it," Arthur said. "You're the ones who kept them coming back."
"It's really helped, though," the other girl said. "We've been playing so much better because of it-I think we actually have a shot at making the championship match this year. It's unbelievable."
Arthur grinned. "That's great."
A couple of others joined them-a bloke from the football club, and a couple of younger magic students who wanted to ask Arthur what he knew about magic schools in the States (nothing at all, he was afraid)-and Arthur lost track of the time in talking to them. The canteen was clearing out by the time he checked his watch, and realised Merlin had missed the entire lunch hour.
"Have you seen any of the upper sixth magic students?" he asked the table at large.
One of the younger sorcerers shook her head. "I know they had a theory exam that was supposed to be a beast-it must have run over time something awful."
Arthur doubted Merlin had packed a lunch today, what with leaving for school almost two hours early, so he jogged back up to the counter. He grabbed a wrapped sandwich, making sure it didn't have any meat in it, and took a couple of steps towards the cashier before stopping himself. He did a quick bit of counting in his head and then went back to the shelf of sandwiches.
He was in his usual seat in the classroom when the magic students arrived all in a pack, looking haggard. Merlin was right in the middle of them, and Arthur had to be careful not to burst into a stupid grin at their first brief but electric bit of eye contact. Merlin was less careful, smiling tiredly as he took his seat next to Arthur.
"Looks like it was pretty brutal," Arthur said.
Merlin made a sound somewhere between a grunt and a laugh. "You've no idea."
"Did you get any lunch?"
Merlin shook his head. "I think I have an old bag of crisps somewhere in my bag, so hopefully I'll make it to the end of the day."
"Or you could have this," Arthur said, pulling the egg sandwich out of his bag.
Merlin blinked at it. "What's this?"
Arthur shrugged. "Grabbed it from the canteen for you. Can't have you fading away."
Merlin stared at him, a slow but enormous smile on his face. Arthur shoved the sandwich at him, looking away.
"Aw, thanks so much, Pendragon!" Gilli groaned from the behind him. "Just what I wanted-to watch Merlin stuff his face while I look forward to an afternoon of starving."
"Keep your pants on, Gilli," Arthur said, rolling his eyes. "There's plenty more where that came from." He pulled his bag wide open and turned so Gilli could see the several more sandwiches inside. "Help yourself," Arthur said.
Gilli blinked down at the open bag, dumbfounded. "You serious?"
"Yeah," Arthur said, shrugging, "if you want. You don't have to. Just don't take the vegetable wrap, that one's for Freya." He glanced over at Freya. "You can eat those ones, right?" She nodded. He was relieved; he'd thought he'd seen her buying one a couple of times, but couldn't quite remember.
The room was completely still for a moment, no one moving, until Gilli grinned and shot his hand into Arthur's bag, and suddenly Arthur's seat was surrounded by several eager classmates, all smiling at him with open surprise.
"Cheers, mate," Gilli said as Arthur put his empty bag under his seat.
"Cheers," Arthur replied over his shoulder, and then straightened his notebook and pencil to avoid looking at Merlin.
"So," Merlin said, after a minute, "you're new."
Arthur huffed a laugh. "Well spotted." He smiled down at his notebook until he found the courage to look at Merlin, who was grinning at him. There was nothing Arthur wanted more, in that moment, than to lean over and kiss the grin right off Merlin's face, but he didn't.
#
"It's going to be a while, isn't it?" Merlin asked him the next night, as Arthur watched him prepare dinner for his mum again. "Until you'll let me kiss you in public?"
Arthur shoved a cherry tomato in his mouth to avoid answering.
"I mean," Merlin continued, "it was weeks before you'd acknowledge that we were friends, so. My expectations here have been very thoroughly managed."
Arthur chewed, swallowed. He wanted to say no, but the thought of it turned his stomach into a hornets' nest. "Probably," he finally said. "Yeah. I mean, I dunno. A while, probably." His cheeks were burning, and Merlin wasn't looking at him, focusing on the garlic and peppers in his frying pan. "Is that OK?" Arthur asked, feebly.
"Yeah, of course," Merlin said quickly. He looked up at Arthur, and smiled. "So long as I get to keep doing it when we're alone."
Arthur tried to look considering, but he doubted he was very convincing. "I suppose you can," he said, "if you feel you must."
Merlin did feel he must, apparently, and decided to show Arthur exactly how much, and if the peppers were somewhat savagely overdone by the time they finally made it out of the pan, Hunith didn't have anything to say about it.
#
It did take a while, of course, but not nearly as long as Arthur thought it would, when Merlin asked him.
The final football match of the year was at a school across town and was a roaring social event, with what looked like most of the student body in attendance. Something like a hundred bicycles were parked along pavement, locked to the back of the stands, or just tossed down on the grass near the crowd as they cheered and held up placards, many of them magically animated.
The team was losing, horribly, but no one in the stands seemed to care at all.
Arthur grinned up at the crowd whenever there was a break in play, and he knew it was Merlin who had talked them into coming this far. He searched all the faces, until he found Merlin's, right in the centre, split wide with a smile. Arthur watched him, while the coaches argued with the ref over some irrelevant call, and felt something in his chest give way-crumble or unwind-and suddenly the prospect of being the boyfriend of the most popular boy in school-in this bizarre little school-didn't seem like such a terrible thing.
After the game, when Merlin came jogging down from the stands, cheeks and ears pink from the cold, grinning like he didn't know how not to, Arthur didn't feel like he'd made a decision, exactly, but it felt like he'd found something.
"That was brilliant!" Merlin called from a few feet away, over the sounds of the crowd. "Really fun! God, why haven't we been doing this all along?"
Arthur grinned at back him. "I'm glad you liked it."
"Are you sad it's the last one?"
Arthur toed off his football shoes as he unlaced his street shoes. "I'll miss it, yeah."
"Some of us talked about grabbing dinner at a pub we passed on the way here. You interested?" Arthur stuffed his football shoes into his bag. "I mean, if you're not too worried about looking like my friend in front of all these people," Merlin teased, with a smirk.
Arthur shot him a sideways glare, tossed his bag over his shoulder, and then stepped in close, right into Merlin's personal space. Merlin's eyes went a bit wide, but he didn't move. "I'm not worried about that, no," Arthur said.
The corner of Merlin's mouth twitched, and Arthur wanted to kiss it. "Does that mean you want to come?" Merlin asked, after a moment.
"So long as I get to have you to myself afterwards," Arthur said, and he leaned in to kiss the upturned corner of Merlin's mouth before he could talk himself out of it.
Arthur could feel Merlin draw a shaky breath against him, and his mouth spread into another large smile under Arthur's lips.
"I suppose you can," Merlin said, finding Arthur's hand with cold fingers, "if you feel you must."
It was a long couple of hours out with the group, with a promise like that to look forward to, but Arthur found himself having a good time. He got a warm shot of nerves every time he took Merlin's hand, and he barely ate a thing. He knew he probably looked like an idiot, smiling the way he was, but no one seemed to mind-they just smiled back, glancing at his and Merlin's clasped hands with interest, but nothing more. It all felt too good to be true, and Arthur's chest hurt with it.
He was alone in the loo at the end of the night, just before he and Merlin left, when Gilli walked in as he was washing his hands. Gilli stood in front of the door, blocking Arthur's exit, and Arthur's stomach was suddenly a knot.
"Hey, Gilli," he said, uneasily.
"Hey," Gilli answered. "You and Merlin, eh? You're together?"
"Um," Arthur said, drying his hands on his football shorts, "yeah."
Gilli nodded, and didn't say anything for a moment. "Look, Pendragon, I know you and me didn't get off to the greatest start," he said, "but we're mates now. And I'm glad."
Arthur raised his eyebrows. "Thanks, Gilli. Me too."
"But, for the record-" Arthur took a involuntary deep breath "-if you break his heart, I know a spell that will make your balls itch for the rest of your life."
Arthur barked a huge, surprised laugh.
"I'll use it, Pendragon."
"Gilli," Arthur said, grinning, "I would expect nothing less," and it was the truth.
"All right," Gilli said, nodding. "Just so we're clear."
"We're clear," Arthur said. Gilli clapped him on the shoulder, and Arthur clapped him back, and they were skirting around the edge of a proper hug by the time Arthur was allowed to leave the loo.
#
It was a long ride back to Arthur's flat, and as they secured their bikes to the stands at the edge of the car park, they looked up at the dim light coming from Leon's bedroom window. "Do you think it's all right that I'm here?" Merlin asked. "And not planning to leave?"
Arthur nodded. "We talked about it. He knows we're not children."
Merlin's eyebrows rose. "How'd that conversation go?"
"I don't really want to revisit it," Arthur said. "But about as well as it could have."
Merlin snickered, and they entered the flat quietly. "Do you want anything to drink?" Arthur whispered, as they toed off their shoes, and Merlin shook his head. They crept down the corridor and into Arthur's room.
Arthur shut the door, and they didn't look at each other for a moment.
"Thank you," Merlin said, "for tonight. It felt-I'm really glad everyone knows now."
Arthur looked at him. "Me too," he said.
"Yeah?" Merlin asked, looking unsure. "You weren't uncomfortable? Or freaked out about it?"
Arthur huffed a small laugh. "I had my moments," he admitted. "But the good ones definitely won out."
Merlin smiled a little and took Arthur's hand. Arthur wanted to kiss him, but he couldn't seem to move. Merlin looked down at their hands, his breathing shallow. He laced their fingers together and apart again, skimmed his thumb over Arthur's palm and the underside of his wrist, and Arthur shivered.
"I really want to kiss you," Merlin said, quietly, "but I can't seem to move."
Arthur snorted, and Merlin looked at him. "I was just thinking the exact same, utterly stupid thing," he said, and Merlin laughed, and then it was easy, like it always was, to sink into kissing Merlin like there was nothing else in the world worth doing.
They stood in the middle of the room and kissed slowly for several minutes, a little shaky but determined. Arthur slid his hand up to the side of Merlin's throat and let his thumb rest over the tiny, insistent flutter of Merlin's pulse as he moved to the side and kissed Merlin's ear, pulling the lobe between his teeth. Merlin made a small noise, and Arthur smiled.
He eyed the bed over Merlin's shoulder and thought about stepping them towards it, imagined pushing Merlin down onto it. He swallowed.
Merlin's eyes were glassy and his lips red when Arthur pulled back to look at him. They were both hard.
"I think I should-take a shower," Arthur said. "I stink like football."
Merlin blinked, before wrinkling his nose. "You really do," he said. Arthur snorted and thwapped him, which made Merlin laugh, and then Arthur had to kiss him again.
"OK, OK, I'll be right back," Arthur said, finally pulling away. He stepped back towards the bathroom, but stopped when Merlin didn't let go of his hand.
"Is there, um," Merlin began without looking at him, and his ears were that shade of red again, the one that made Arthur's stomach go tight, "enough room for two? In your shower?"
Arthur's cock, if it were possible, got even harder. He couldn't answer right away, as his mouth went dry.
"We don't have to-do anything," Merlin added, against Arthur's silence. "But I'm dirty, too, and. I dunno, it-"
"Yes," Arthur cut him off.
Merlin looked at him.
"It's big enough. The shower."
Merlin blinked. "Do you want me to-"
"Yes," Arthur said again, nodding his head for emphasis.
So Merlin followed Arthur into the bathroom, their hands still clasped, and they didn't let go as Arthur turned the shower on, testing the temperature with his free hand. "OK," he said, after a minute.
They let go of each other, their hands going awkwardly to their own clothing. There was a beat, during which neither of them moved, until Arthur finally just did it, pulled his shirt up over his head and pushed his football shorts and pants down in one, not wanting to draw it out, lest he lost his nerve. When he looked up, Merlin was stripping as well, and then they were both naked, staring at each other with insistent, achingly hard cocks.
"Come on," Arthur said, reaching towards Merlin. Merlin took his hand and they stepped into the shower one after the other, taking it in turns to stand under the spray. Arthur took the soap and washed himself with business-like efficiency, wanting to get the necessities out of the way. He handed Merlin the soap and turned away, shy about soaping his dick and balls with Merlin watching. He heard Merlin behind him, lathering the soap in his hands and then on his body, and Arthur distracted himself rubbing shampoo into his hair.
"Can I wash your back?" Merlin asked uncertainly, breaking their silence. Arthur looked over his shoulder at him.
"Yeah," he said. "Just let me-" He ducked his head under the water, rinsing out the shampoo. He stepped back so the water hit his chest.
Merlin's hand came tentatively to Arthur's back, pressing the bar of soap to his skin, sliding it across his shoulder blades and down, over the small of his back and lower, stopping just short of his arse. Merlin set the soap back in its dish and pressed both his hands to Arthur's skin, sliding them through the soapy slickness. Arthur closed his eyes and dropped his head forward, breathing into the feel of Merlin's hands on him. His cock pulsed.
"You're so hot like this," Merlin said, his voice shaking, and he was so much closer than Arthur had realised. He leaned in to press a kiss to Arthur's shoulder, and his stiff cock brushed against Arthur's arse.
Arthur lost his breath for a moment, then spun around to kiss him urgently. Merlin's arms wound around his shoulders and pulled him close, so their cocks knocked together, leaving Arthur dizzy. They'd touched each other's erections before, but only ever through their clothes and in a rush before one of them had to go-never anything like this, naked and wet and totally open.
Merlin's body pressed against his was intoxicating, and Arthur skittered a hand down his side to his hip, and then between their bodies to Merlin's cock. He slid his fingers around it loosely, and Merlin gasped.
"Is this OK?" he asked. "Can I-"
"Yeah," Merlin answered, breathy and gone, "please, yeah," so Arthur closed his fingers more tightly around Merlin's shaft and started rubbing it up and down. He watched his hand move, not quite believing it was real, not quite trusting that the weight of Merlin's cock against his fingers wasn't just his imagination.
Merlin pawed at him, wanting something, and Arthur looked up at him in confusion.
"Wha-" he started, but Merlin surged forward and pushed him up against the shower wall, crowded in close and kissed him hard. Arthur grunted and opened his mouth, sliding his tongue against Merlin's as it pushed past his lips. Merlin batted Arthur's hand out of the way, and then wrapped his long, hot fingers around both of their cocks at once so they slid together, tip to root, flush along their lengths. Arthur choked and bucked his hips, knocking his head against the wall.
"Merlin," he groaned, helplessly, as Merlin buried his face in the crook of Arthur's shoulder and continued to jack them both, breathing hard and fast against Arthur's wet skin. Arthur screwed his eyes closed and clawed at Merlin's shoulders, slid one hand up the back of Merlin's head to bury his fingers in thick, wet hair, and then he was coming, pulling Merlin's hair and spurting all over his hand and cock. Merlin shuttered and shortly followed him over the edge, and then they were just standing under the water and panting, until they were kissing, endlessly, and the water was starting to run cool.
"Are you clean enough yet to go back into the bedroom?" Merlin mumbled against Arthur's shoulder, and Arthur chuckled. He shut the water off and reached past the shower curtain for a towel, which he wrapped around Merlin's shoulders before grabbing a second one off the rack.
They didn't say anything, and Arthur started to smile as he dragged the towel over his body and watched Merlin do the same.
"What?" Merlin asked, his ears pink, his mouth turning up at the corners.
"Nothing," Arthur answered, and his smile got bigger. Merlin smiled back, bashful, and Arthur had to kiss him again.
They did eventually make it back into the bedroom, mostly dry and unable to stop touching one another. Merlin threw back the covers on Arthur's bed and jumped in, stark naked. Arthur stood by the bed, catching his breath.
"C'mon," Merlin said. "Get in."
Arthur grinned and made a quick detour to his chest of drawers to retrieve two pairs of boxer shorts. He pulled one on and tossed the other at Merlin's head. "Just in case we get an unexpected visit from Leon in the morning," he said.
"All right, all right," Merlin said, pretending to pout as he pulled them on. Arthur switched off the light and climbed into bed, sliding in close and pulling Merlin flush against him.
There were a number of things he almost said in the minutes before they fell asleep, some of them teasing and some of them not, but he didn't manage any of them. Merlin pulled Arthur's arms tight around him, snuggled in close and hummed contentedly. Arthur pressed his lips to Merlin's shoulder and gave in to sleep.
#
Arthur winced as he woke to the sharp glare of sunlight through his bedroom window. His phone buzzed against the nightstand. He frowned at it in annoyance, but reached for it anyway. Next to him, Merlin continued snoring softly, and Arthur had to stop mid-reach to snicker at him. His phone buzzed again, impatiently, and Arthur continued grinning as he thumbed in his passcode.
He had fourteen new emails, which seemed like a lot. All but two of them were Facebook friend requests. One of the others was a Facebook photo notification, and the second was yet another Val alert email, which Arthur knew he would unsubscribe from soon. He scanned the names on the friend requests, and clicked on the photo notification. He hadn't been tagged in a photo on Facebook in ages, not since he'd last had friends-not since before he was expelled. He clicked the link, and the picture loaded, and his stomach lurched.
It was a picture of him and Merlin, from the previous night. They were on the pitch together, smiling. Their faces were very close together, and Arthur knew it was the moment just after he'd kissed him. It was an intimate picture, which had no business on Facebook, and Arthur's thumb was hovering over the tagging icon so he could remove his name when he noticed how many likes the photo had.
Thirty-four.
In the hour since it had been posted, thirty-four people had liked this photograph of Arthur and Merlin all but kissing. Arthur swallowed, and tapped the screen to pull up the list of people who'd liked it.
They were all familiar names, people from school. Several of them were the same names on the friend requests in his inbox, and the rest were surely friends of Merlin, except for the very first one on the list, the only one Arthur was already Facebook friends with: Chris Valiant.
Arthur stared at his name, unable to process it.
His heart hammering, he went back to his email and looked more closely at the message with Val's name in the subject line, and it wasn't a Google Alert after all. It was a Facebook message.
Hey man. You look really happy. I'm glad.
I never apologized, or even said thank you. I know I'm a dick. Sorry.
Thank you. I didn't deserve what you did for me.
-Val
Arthur stared at the message for a long while and nearly deleted it without replying, but changed his mind. He'd grown rather fond of telling the truth. You are a dick, he wrote, but I'm not sorry. Turns out it was the best thing that ever happened to me. He hit send, deleted the original message, and turned his phone completely off in favour of burrowing back into bed.
He slid right up behind Merlin's long, warm body, wrapped an arm around his middle and pulled them as close together as he could. Merlin stirred, making a low sound in his throat. "Hi," he said, voice sleep-rough.
"Hi," Arthur whispered.
"Everything OK?" Merlin asked.
"Yeah," Arthur said.
Merlin cocked his head up off the pillow. "Arthur, are you shaking?" He slid a hand over Arthur's on his stomach, and Arthur pulled him closer.
"Yeah, sorry. A little. It's OK, though-everything's fine." He sighed, taking a deep breath that smelled of nothing but Merlin, and felt his nerves start to calm. He spread his fingers wide under Merlin's hand, and Merlin threaded their fingers together obligingly. "Everything's great," he said, and for the first time in a long time, it felt like the truth.
Rating: NC-17
Author's notes and warnings are here.
← part two
With the bike fair successfully behind them, Arthur and Merlin both turned their attention in the successive weeks to actual coursework and university applications. Impressed and pleased by their efforts, Headmaster Gaius had been remarkably easy to sway into purchasing the new bike stands and having them installed, and by the first week of October they were in place, covered and all. Arthur was pleased, but Merlin was delighted, and his delight was annoyingly infectious.
"We've got a group coming to your football match tonight," Merlin said, beaming at him one Friday afternoon.
"Really?" Arthur said.
Merlin nodded. "Yeah. I asked them to make an announcement during registration yesterday in a bunch of the classes, and I think a good crowd's gonna come. We're all gonna ride our bikes again, isn't that great?"
Arthur didn't know quite what to say. "Yeah. That's-that's awesome."
Merlin grinned. "I just hope you lot are as entertaining as the hockey club. Those ladies are fierce."
"We're not. I meant it when I said that we're really quite bad. We've not won a game yet."
"Do you all still wear those knee socks, with shorts and everything?" Merlin asked.
Arthur raised his eyebrows.
"Cause that's really all that matters, from an entertainment standpoint."
Arthur snorted. "Shut up, Merlin."
#
One Monday in October, they opted to have their student council meeting at Arthur's flat, the better to play video games when they adjourned. Arthur gave Merlin a thorough trouncing, and afterwards, the two of them were lounging on Arthur's bed, avoiding homework.
"What time do you think Leon will be back?" Merlin asked, looking at Arthur's ceiling. It was Leon's night off, but he'd agreed to give Merlin a ride home when he returned.
"Dunno. He said not late. They were just gonna get a light supper after the film, I think."
"It's so funny to think of him being on a date, isn't it? Like he's an actual person or something?"
Arthur snorted. "He dated a lot in the States, actually, so I'm used to the idea."
"Was it the accent, you think?" Merlin asked, grinning.
"Must've been," Arthur agreed. "Can't think of what else."
They laughed, and then got quiet for a while, for no reason Arthur could work out, until Merlin asked, "So what was it like, with your dad?"
"What do you mean?"
"Your fights with him. They must have been awful, for you to choose to leave everything. I mean, no one wants to start at a new school with only one year left, and that's people who are miserable. You sound like you actually liked your school, with all your football and basketball and hordes of fawning admirers."
Arthur kicked him. "I never said I had hordes of fawning admirers."
Merlin grinned. "You kinda did."
"Shut up."
"But seriously, it sounds to me like you were really happy there, so your home life must have been complete shit."
Arthur sighed. He wanted to just nod and say, Yeah, Dad's bloody awful, but he could already feel the truth pushing its way forward, the way it so often did when he was alone with Merlin. "It wasn't-" he started. "It wasn't that bad, really. My father's never been an easy man to be close with, but for the most part we actually get on quite well, when I don't fuck up."
Merlin looked at him, frowning.
"I wasn't honest about why I left," Arthur admitted. "Things did get pretty dicey with my dad, but only because of something else that happened. That didn't have anything to do with him."
"You don't have to tell me," Merlin said, after Arthur was quiet for a minute.
"I know," Arthur said. He swallowed. "I was expelled, actually." He glanced helplessly at Merlin and away, and started picking at a loose thread on his duvet cover. "So I didn't have a choice about leaving. Well, I chose to come here-back to England, I mean-I could have stayed in the States, but. I decided not to."
"Shit," Merlin said, after a moment. "What happened?" He sounded more concerned than scandalised, so Arthur took a breath and continued.
"The official record is that I was expelled for reckless and criminal behaviour." He glanced at Merlin briefly, who was looking at him with wide eyes. "Drunk driving," Arthur finally managed, "and underage drinking."
"Shit," Merlin said again. "Is that why you can't get a licence?" Arthur nodded. There was an unbearable silence, while Arthur's confession sunk in. He tried to tell himself that he didn't care if Merlin judged him for this, that theirs wasn't yet the sort of friendship it would hurt to lose, but he didn't get very far convincing himself.
Merlin shifted on the bed, and for a moment Arthur thought he was getting up to leave, but he only sat up so he could face Arthur properly. "So if that's the official record," Merlin said, when he was settled, "what actually happened?"
Arthur gave him a rueful smile. "Some of it happened like that," he said. "You can't drink at all there, until you're twenty-one, and I did, so. That part happened." He took a deep breath. "It was in the spring, near the end of the basketball season. Most of us were on the football team together too, so we were all good friends. One of the blokes on the team's parents were out of town, so he had a party. It was quite, um," Arthur paused to blow out a breath, "well-stocked. He had a couple of older brothers, I think, who could buy for him, so it was really easy. You remember my mate, Val? Chris Valiant, from that football picture?"
Merlin nodded.
"He was especially well pissed-we all were, but he was-beyond. Anyway, he ended up getting really mad and decided to leave the party. This was at, like, one in the morning. He got in his car, and I was running after him, banging on his windows, whatever, telling him not to be so stupid. He didn't make it very far. Only managed to back the car out into the street, ram it into two parked cars at once, get it going forwards and into a tree. He never got the thing going over about fifteen miles an hour, so no one was hurt and there wasn't any truly serious damage, but there was no question what had happened."
"Good thing he didn't run you over," Merlin said.
Arthur huffed a nervous laugh. "Yeah, I guess. So, he got out of the car and started, just-freaking out. He already had a couple of marks on his record, and had been told if he fucked up again, there'd be serious hell to pay. He already had university lined up at that point, with an athletic scholarship and everything, so this was going to be really bad. He'd lose all of that, no question." The loose thread Arthur was pulling at gave a little, a couple stitches coming undone, so it was long enough to wrap around his fingertip.
"Whereas I," he continued, "had a clean record. Not so much as a detention in two years."
"Arthur," Merlin said, and Arthur couldn't look at him. "Arthur, tell me you didn't."
"It seemed likely they'd go easier on me. And it was my fault-the reason he got so mad in the first place was because of an argument he and I'd been having, so. It felt like I had to. I felt like I owed it to him. The cops were there so fast-a neighbour must have called as soon as I started yelling at him, I dunno. Maybe even sooner. So there wasn't time to think it through. Not that I could have, at the time."
"But you told them afterwards, right? That Val had coerced you into taking the fall for him?"
Arthur shook his head. "He didn't coerce me. Not really. It was my own decision. Not a wise one, perhaps, but mine."
Merlin looked horrified. "Arthur, are you serious?"
Arthur just shrugged. "The school decided to make an example of me. Not that it wasn't a justified punishment, because it was. We were just about to have the elections for the following year's student council, and it was basically assumed that I'd be elected student body president, as a senior. And then this happened, and I think they wanted to show that none of us was above the rules, and they were right to do it. I was lucky, actually-not only did they allow me to come back to sit my exams so the year wasn't completely wasted, but the court let me off easy in light of my immediate expulsion. Just a bit of community service over the summer. If Andersen had let me stay, I'd probably have got a lot more."
Merlin fish-mouthed. "What are you talking about, 'they were right to do it' and 'justified punishment'? You didn't do anything!"
"They didn't know that."
"What about your father?" Merlin all but shouted. "Surely, once he knew the truth, he didn't just sit by and watch you take the full brunt of it, while bloody Val skated off to university like it was nothing?"
"It wasn't nothing. He lost his scholarship. His parents could afford to pay his tuition, so it didn't matter as much as it could have, but it was something. And my father didn't know the truth."
"What?"
Arthur shrugged.
"You let him think you did it? Does he still think you did it?"
"I took full responsibility, Merlin."
"So you never told anyone? No one knows?"
"Leon knows. Not officially, because I never admitted to him that he was right, but he never believed that I did it."
Merlin breathed a small laugh. "I'm glad someone in your life sees you for who you really are."
Arthur snorted, and looked away.
There was another silence, for a long minute. "Why did you tell me?"
Arthur looked at him. "What?"
"You've never told anyone, not even admitted it to Leon. Why did you tell me?"
Arthur blinked, and felt his heart speed up. "I don't know," he said, and it was the truth. "Just wanted you to know, I guess." He turned back to the loose thread between his fingers, blushing.
"You are infuriating," Merlin said softly.
"Sorry," Arthur replied, not really understanding.
There was a beat, and then Merlin was moving, pushing himself up over his knees and into Arthur's personal space. Arthur frowned as Merlin ducked his head right in, clumsily pushing their mouths together. It was awkward and a little painful, and one of Merlin's hands came up to Arthur's shoulder and gripped, fingers digging shakily into the muscle. Arthur made a strange noise and couldn't move.
Merlin gave a hard gasp and pulled away. "Shit," he said, his ears suddenly very red. "Shit, sorry. Arthur, I-sorry." He pushed himself off the bed awkwardly and bolted from the room.
Arthur sat for several seconds, frozen. Every feeling he'd so determinedly buried since the first day came bursting back to the surface, tangled up with every rationalising thought he'd used to bury them-thoughts of Val, his father, his football mates, his future-none of which, he realised with an unsettlingly calm certainty, actually mattered at all in the face of Merlin kissing him.
The sound of the flat's front door opening and closing finally snapped him back to life, and he barrelled out the door and down the stairs.
"Merlin!" he called, when he got outside. "Merlin, stop!"
Merlin was far away, much further down the road than Arthur expected him to be, and he would choose this moment to reveal himself as a bloody sprinting star, Arthur thought, suspecting magic, and he started off after him.
"Merlin, wait!" he called again, and ahead of him Merlin slowed and turned. He didn't stop, kept taking small steps backwards down the road. "Stop it, come back!" Arthur yelled down at him.
"Really?" Merlin called back.
Arthur rolled his eyes. "No, not really! I'm out here in the cold without a jacket because I don't mean it." Merlin didn't move, visibly panting. Arthur slowed to a walk but didn't stop, kept moving towards Merlin.
Merlin heaved a great sigh and, after an age, started walking back.
They stopped with a few feet still between them.
"You really are an arse, you know," Merlin said, his breathing uneven.
Arthur nodded. "Yeah, I know. And you're an idiot."
A long moment passed, the two of them only panting.
"I told myself I wouldn't say anything," Merlin said quietly. "I didn't want you to feel-awkward, or-"
Arthur watched him stare at the ground. He wanted to say something to get Merlin looking at him again, but he couldn't think of what, so he gave up and crossed the last few feet between them and kissed him. Judging from the noise that came from somewhere in Merlin's throat, it was the right choice. His lips were dry and a little chapped against Arthur's, and he tasted like the mince pie they'd had for supper, and he didn't kiss with any sort of finesse, and he was exactly what Arthur wanted.
"Arthur," Merlin said, when they broke apart, "I-"
"I've wanted to kiss you since my first day," Arthur said, without meaning to. "I tried to stop. I tried to hate you, but-it didn't work."
Merlin stared at him, and Arthur wanted to take the words back. "So-you're an idiot, in addition to being an arse?" Merlin finally said.
"Yeah," Arthur agreed, nodding helplessly.
Merlin snorted a laugh, and Arthur smiled despite himself. Merlin looped an arm around his shoulders and pulled him in close, and they stood in the middle of the quiet road, kissing like the idiots they were, until the rain started up again and they were both shivering from the cold.
"Shit," Arthur said, when they were back at the building's front door. His left hand was firmly clasped in Merlin's, and his right was pawing at his empty trouser pockets fruitlessly. "I've left my keys inside."
Merlin shuttered with cold. "Seriously?"
"Was a bit distracted, sorry."
"Shit," Merlin said, giving a shivery laugh. "D'you think Leon would come home early so we don't freeze?"
"Probably, but-"
"Your phone's inside, as well."
"Yeah."
"Mine too."
"Brilliant." Arthur looked around, his eyes settling on the covered car park. "Let's at least get out of the rain," he said.
They jogged over to Leon's empty parking stall and sat down, pressing as close as they could. Arthur wrapped his arms tightly around Merlin's shoulders, and held on.
#
"Was he your boyfriend?" Merlin asked tentatively, some time later. Out of the rain, they'd managed to warm up a little bit, as the sound of the it echoed off the concrete around them.
"No," Arthur answered.
"But you were in love with him?" It didn't really sound like a question.
"Love's a strong word for it."
"Is it? Look at what you did for him-what you gave up for him. Did he know?"
Arthur took a minute to answer. "I kissed him that night. At the party. That's why he ran off."
"Shit," Merlin breathed.
"Yeah. I never would have, sober. That's why I felt the whole thing was my fault."
"It wasn't."
"Yeah."
"It really wasn't, Arthur."
"I know." He didn't, really, but he was starting to think he could get there.
Merlin sighed. "What was he like with you, afterwards? After everything was settled."
"We haven't talked since."
"What?" Merlin lifted his head to look at him. "Are you serious?"
Arthur nodded. "Everyone who was at the party was suspended from school immediately, and the rest of the basketball season was cancelled. By the time the initial suspensions were over, they'd decided to expel me, so. We were never in the same room again."
"But he was your best mate."
"He had been, up until then."
"I don't understand. How do you just-never speak to your best mate again?"
Arthur shrugged.
"And the rest of your team?"
"The same. I don't know how much they saw, or what Val told them afterwards, but none of them have spoken to me since that night."
Merlin stared at him. "You lost everything-your entire world-for him, and he didn't so much as say thank you? I fucking hate him."
Arthur chuckled. "Thank you, Merlin." Merlin put his head back down to Arthur's chest, and Arthur couldn't stop himself threading his fingers into his hair. He'd wondered, of course, about what had gone on in Val's head, and he'd held onto his hope for far too long that he'd come around and contact Arthur again. But sitting here with Merlin, feeling welcome and wanted and warm despite the cold, he found himself finally starting to care a little bit less.
"It doesn't feel like it, anymore," he said.
"Hmm?" Merlin rumbled against Arthur's chest. "Like what?"
"Like I lost everything."
Merlin lifted his head to look Arthur in the eye, and Arthur couldn't stop himself kissing him again. He had just begun to make a proper mess of Merlin's hair when the bright headlights of Leon's car came swooping into the parking stall.
#
Leon let them back into the flat, and then insisted on taking Merlin home almost immediately, which was actually mostly fine by Arthur, since the three of them attempting to make small talk in the lounge was painfully awkward. He changed into his pyjamas and collapsed onto his bed without cleaning his teeth, not ready to wash away the taste of Merlin just yet.
After about ten minutes, his phone chirped.
Seems Leon is rather fond of you after all.
Arthur flushed fiercely, and thumbed his reply. Oh god what did he say
That you're kind of an idiot. And that if I break your heart, he'll run over my bike with his car.
Arthur barked a laugh. He threatened to kill Kill Garra??? How fitting
It's spelt Kilgharrah, arse. And ok no, he didn't say that last bit. But he has a very strict "no breaking Arthur's heart" policy, apparently.
It was a minute before Arthur could reply.
(I promised not to, by the way.)
Im gonna kill leon
But then how will you get to school? I want to see you tomorrow.
Good point his execution will have 2 wait
Sigh, we really are gonna have to talk about they way you text. Good night, Arthur.
Arthur was just sending a snarky, annoyingly abbreviated reply when he heard Leon come back into the flat. He thought about switching off the light and pretending to be asleep, but he didn't move, and shortly Leon appeared in his doorway. Neither of them spoke right away, as Leon settled himself against the door frame.
"Are you in or out of uniform right now?" Arthur asked.
"Still my night off, isn't it?"
"You just chauffeured Merlin home."
"Favour for a friend. Off the clock."
Arthur raised his eyebrows.
"I like Merlin a lot," Leon said. "If he told you I threatened to drive over his bike with the car, it's a lie."
Arthur laughed right out loud. He quieted and felt his cheeks heat in the moment before he asked, "And what if he breaks my heart, then?"
"Well, in that case, it'll be true. And that'll be the least of it."
Arthur couldn't find anything to say to that, so he just gave a sheepish little laugh.
"I'm happy for you, Arthur," Leon said. "You deserve to be happy." Arthur had to look away without answering, suddenly fighting something hot and itchy behind his eyes. "Good night," Leon said, straightening and disappearing beyond the door.
Instead of calling out his own good night, Arthur found himself on his feet, following him.
"Arthur?" Leon said as he turned, and Arthur didn't say anything, just walked right up to him and embraced him, arms tight around his shoulders, temple pressed to his ear. There were so many things Arthur wanted to say to Leon that he didn't have the words for-so many thank-yous he didn't know where to start-but Leon's arms wrapped around his back and stayed there until Arthur let go, so maybe Leon understood.
"How was your date?" Arthur asked, gruffly, as he pulled away.
Leon's face lit up. "Really nice, thanks."
Arthur grinned. "Where did you meet this person, anyway?"
"She's called Gwen, and don't sound so surprised, I go places."
"Like where? The supermarket?"
"Shut up, you. Come have a drink with me, and I'll tell you all about her. And you can tell me about your evening, up until the point I found you the pair of you in that parking stall."
#
Arthur woke up the next morning to the sound of bucketing rain against his window, but he didn't notice it until Leon asked him, over breakfast, how Merlin would get to school on a day like this. Arthur frowned at him, chewing his toast. "On a day like wh-oh," he said, looking out the window and coming back down to earth a little. "Dunno. He told me he rides his bike rain or shine, so."
"We could offer to pick him up, if you want."
"All right," Arthur said, shooting for nonchalant. Leon is offering u a lift to school so u dont drown, he texted.
Tell Leon thank you very much, but Mum already drove me on her way to work.
Ur already there? Gross
Since 7.15. Prob for the best - magic theory test third hour that I didn't study for last night at ALL.
Not sorry
Me neither.
Arthur thought about asking Leon to take him to school a little early, but felt silly. So he arrived at the regular time and heard little to nothing that the teachers in his first three classes had to say, and then went to lunch, his eyes darting every which way, despite his brain's strict instructions to play it cool. Merlin wasn't anywhere to be seen, and it took Arthur's sluggish brain a few minutes to register that neither were any of the other magic students in their year.
Arthur sat down at an empty table and pulled out his phone, checking for emails with one hand and tucking into his sweet and sour pork with the other.
"Do you mind if we sit here?" someone asked, and Arthur looked up in surprise. It was two girls he recognised from the hockey team.
"Um, yeah," he said, shoving his phone back into his pocket. "I mean, no, I don't mind. Please sit."
The girls smiled and sat, and Arthur had an urge to check he hadn't slopped any food down his shirt. His socialising skills were certainly rusty.
"We wanted to thank you," one of the girls said after an awkward bit of small talk, "for drumming up interest in our hockey matches. We've had so many supporters lately."
"I just suggested it," Arthur said. "You're the ones who kept them coming back."
"It's really helped, though," the other girl said. "We've been playing so much better because of it-I think we actually have a shot at making the championship match this year. It's unbelievable."
Arthur grinned. "That's great."
A couple of others joined them-a bloke from the football club, and a couple of younger magic students who wanted to ask Arthur what he knew about magic schools in the States (nothing at all, he was afraid)-and Arthur lost track of the time in talking to them. The canteen was clearing out by the time he checked his watch, and realised Merlin had missed the entire lunch hour.
"Have you seen any of the upper sixth magic students?" he asked the table at large.
One of the younger sorcerers shook her head. "I know they had a theory exam that was supposed to be a beast-it must have run over time something awful."
Arthur doubted Merlin had packed a lunch today, what with leaving for school almost two hours early, so he jogged back up to the counter. He grabbed a wrapped sandwich, making sure it didn't have any meat in it, and took a couple of steps towards the cashier before stopping himself. He did a quick bit of counting in his head and then went back to the shelf of sandwiches.
He was in his usual seat in the classroom when the magic students arrived all in a pack, looking haggard. Merlin was right in the middle of them, and Arthur had to be careful not to burst into a stupid grin at their first brief but electric bit of eye contact. Merlin was less careful, smiling tiredly as he took his seat next to Arthur.
"Looks like it was pretty brutal," Arthur said.
Merlin made a sound somewhere between a grunt and a laugh. "You've no idea."
"Did you get any lunch?"
Merlin shook his head. "I think I have an old bag of crisps somewhere in my bag, so hopefully I'll make it to the end of the day."
"Or you could have this," Arthur said, pulling the egg sandwich out of his bag.
Merlin blinked at it. "What's this?"
Arthur shrugged. "Grabbed it from the canteen for you. Can't have you fading away."
Merlin stared at him, a slow but enormous smile on his face. Arthur shoved the sandwich at him, looking away.
"Aw, thanks so much, Pendragon!" Gilli groaned from the behind him. "Just what I wanted-to watch Merlin stuff his face while I look forward to an afternoon of starving."
"Keep your pants on, Gilli," Arthur said, rolling his eyes. "There's plenty more where that came from." He pulled his bag wide open and turned so Gilli could see the several more sandwiches inside. "Help yourself," Arthur said.
Gilli blinked down at the open bag, dumbfounded. "You serious?"
"Yeah," Arthur said, shrugging, "if you want. You don't have to. Just don't take the vegetable wrap, that one's for Freya." He glanced over at Freya. "You can eat those ones, right?" She nodded. He was relieved; he'd thought he'd seen her buying one a couple of times, but couldn't quite remember.
The room was completely still for a moment, no one moving, until Gilli grinned and shot his hand into Arthur's bag, and suddenly Arthur's seat was surrounded by several eager classmates, all smiling at him with open surprise.
"Cheers, mate," Gilli said as Arthur put his empty bag under his seat.
"Cheers," Arthur replied over his shoulder, and then straightened his notebook and pencil to avoid looking at Merlin.
"So," Merlin said, after a minute, "you're new."
Arthur huffed a laugh. "Well spotted." He smiled down at his notebook until he found the courage to look at Merlin, who was grinning at him. There was nothing Arthur wanted more, in that moment, than to lean over and kiss the grin right off Merlin's face, but he didn't.
#
"It's going to be a while, isn't it?" Merlin asked him the next night, as Arthur watched him prepare dinner for his mum again. "Until you'll let me kiss you in public?"
Arthur shoved a cherry tomato in his mouth to avoid answering.
"I mean," Merlin continued, "it was weeks before you'd acknowledge that we were friends, so. My expectations here have been very thoroughly managed."
Arthur chewed, swallowed. He wanted to say no, but the thought of it turned his stomach into a hornets' nest. "Probably," he finally said. "Yeah. I mean, I dunno. A while, probably." His cheeks were burning, and Merlin wasn't looking at him, focusing on the garlic and peppers in his frying pan. "Is that OK?" Arthur asked, feebly.
"Yeah, of course," Merlin said quickly. He looked up at Arthur, and smiled. "So long as I get to keep doing it when we're alone."
Arthur tried to look considering, but he doubted he was very convincing. "I suppose you can," he said, "if you feel you must."
Merlin did feel he must, apparently, and decided to show Arthur exactly how much, and if the peppers were somewhat savagely overdone by the time they finally made it out of the pan, Hunith didn't have anything to say about it.
#
It did take a while, of course, but not nearly as long as Arthur thought it would, when Merlin asked him.
The final football match of the year was at a school across town and was a roaring social event, with what looked like most of the student body in attendance. Something like a hundred bicycles were parked along pavement, locked to the back of the stands, or just tossed down on the grass near the crowd as they cheered and held up placards, many of them magically animated.
The team was losing, horribly, but no one in the stands seemed to care at all.
Arthur grinned up at the crowd whenever there was a break in play, and he knew it was Merlin who had talked them into coming this far. He searched all the faces, until he found Merlin's, right in the centre, split wide with a smile. Arthur watched him, while the coaches argued with the ref over some irrelevant call, and felt something in his chest give way-crumble or unwind-and suddenly the prospect of being the boyfriend of the most popular boy in school-in this bizarre little school-didn't seem like such a terrible thing.
After the game, when Merlin came jogging down from the stands, cheeks and ears pink from the cold, grinning like he didn't know how not to, Arthur didn't feel like he'd made a decision, exactly, but it felt like he'd found something.
"That was brilliant!" Merlin called from a few feet away, over the sounds of the crowd. "Really fun! God, why haven't we been doing this all along?"
Arthur grinned at back him. "I'm glad you liked it."
"Are you sad it's the last one?"
Arthur toed off his football shoes as he unlaced his street shoes. "I'll miss it, yeah."
"Some of us talked about grabbing dinner at a pub we passed on the way here. You interested?" Arthur stuffed his football shoes into his bag. "I mean, if you're not too worried about looking like my friend in front of all these people," Merlin teased, with a smirk.
Arthur shot him a sideways glare, tossed his bag over his shoulder, and then stepped in close, right into Merlin's personal space. Merlin's eyes went a bit wide, but he didn't move. "I'm not worried about that, no," Arthur said.
The corner of Merlin's mouth twitched, and Arthur wanted to kiss it. "Does that mean you want to come?" Merlin asked, after a moment.
"So long as I get to have you to myself afterwards," Arthur said, and he leaned in to kiss the upturned corner of Merlin's mouth before he could talk himself out of it.
Arthur could feel Merlin draw a shaky breath against him, and his mouth spread into another large smile under Arthur's lips.
"I suppose you can," Merlin said, finding Arthur's hand with cold fingers, "if you feel you must."
It was a long couple of hours out with the group, with a promise like that to look forward to, but Arthur found himself having a good time. He got a warm shot of nerves every time he took Merlin's hand, and he barely ate a thing. He knew he probably looked like an idiot, smiling the way he was, but no one seemed to mind-they just smiled back, glancing at his and Merlin's clasped hands with interest, but nothing more. It all felt too good to be true, and Arthur's chest hurt with it.
He was alone in the loo at the end of the night, just before he and Merlin left, when Gilli walked in as he was washing his hands. Gilli stood in front of the door, blocking Arthur's exit, and Arthur's stomach was suddenly a knot.
"Hey, Gilli," he said, uneasily.
"Hey," Gilli answered. "You and Merlin, eh? You're together?"
"Um," Arthur said, drying his hands on his football shorts, "yeah."
Gilli nodded, and didn't say anything for a moment. "Look, Pendragon, I know you and me didn't get off to the greatest start," he said, "but we're mates now. And I'm glad."
Arthur raised his eyebrows. "Thanks, Gilli. Me too."
"But, for the record-" Arthur took a involuntary deep breath "-if you break his heart, I know a spell that will make your balls itch for the rest of your life."
Arthur barked a huge, surprised laugh.
"I'll use it, Pendragon."
"Gilli," Arthur said, grinning, "I would expect nothing less," and it was the truth.
"All right," Gilli said, nodding. "Just so we're clear."
"We're clear," Arthur said. Gilli clapped him on the shoulder, and Arthur clapped him back, and they were skirting around the edge of a proper hug by the time Arthur was allowed to leave the loo.
#
It was a long ride back to Arthur's flat, and as they secured their bikes to the stands at the edge of the car park, they looked up at the dim light coming from Leon's bedroom window. "Do you think it's all right that I'm here?" Merlin asked. "And not planning to leave?"
Arthur nodded. "We talked about it. He knows we're not children."
Merlin's eyebrows rose. "How'd that conversation go?"
"I don't really want to revisit it," Arthur said. "But about as well as it could have."
Merlin snickered, and they entered the flat quietly. "Do you want anything to drink?" Arthur whispered, as they toed off their shoes, and Merlin shook his head. They crept down the corridor and into Arthur's room.
Arthur shut the door, and they didn't look at each other for a moment.
"Thank you," Merlin said, "for tonight. It felt-I'm really glad everyone knows now."
Arthur looked at him. "Me too," he said.
"Yeah?" Merlin asked, looking unsure. "You weren't uncomfortable? Or freaked out about it?"
Arthur huffed a small laugh. "I had my moments," he admitted. "But the good ones definitely won out."
Merlin smiled a little and took Arthur's hand. Arthur wanted to kiss him, but he couldn't seem to move. Merlin looked down at their hands, his breathing shallow. He laced their fingers together and apart again, skimmed his thumb over Arthur's palm and the underside of his wrist, and Arthur shivered.
"I really want to kiss you," Merlin said, quietly, "but I can't seem to move."
Arthur snorted, and Merlin looked at him. "I was just thinking the exact same, utterly stupid thing," he said, and Merlin laughed, and then it was easy, like it always was, to sink into kissing Merlin like there was nothing else in the world worth doing.
They stood in the middle of the room and kissed slowly for several minutes, a little shaky but determined. Arthur slid his hand up to the side of Merlin's throat and let his thumb rest over the tiny, insistent flutter of Merlin's pulse as he moved to the side and kissed Merlin's ear, pulling the lobe between his teeth. Merlin made a small noise, and Arthur smiled.
He eyed the bed over Merlin's shoulder and thought about stepping them towards it, imagined pushing Merlin down onto it. He swallowed.
Merlin's eyes were glassy and his lips red when Arthur pulled back to look at him. They were both hard.
"I think I should-take a shower," Arthur said. "I stink like football."
Merlin blinked, before wrinkling his nose. "You really do," he said. Arthur snorted and thwapped him, which made Merlin laugh, and then Arthur had to kiss him again.
"OK, OK, I'll be right back," Arthur said, finally pulling away. He stepped back towards the bathroom, but stopped when Merlin didn't let go of his hand.
"Is there, um," Merlin began without looking at him, and his ears were that shade of red again, the one that made Arthur's stomach go tight, "enough room for two? In your shower?"
Arthur's cock, if it were possible, got even harder. He couldn't answer right away, as his mouth went dry.
"We don't have to-do anything," Merlin added, against Arthur's silence. "But I'm dirty, too, and. I dunno, it-"
"Yes," Arthur cut him off.
Merlin looked at him.
"It's big enough. The shower."
Merlin blinked. "Do you want me to-"
"Yes," Arthur said again, nodding his head for emphasis.
So Merlin followed Arthur into the bathroom, their hands still clasped, and they didn't let go as Arthur turned the shower on, testing the temperature with his free hand. "OK," he said, after a minute.
They let go of each other, their hands going awkwardly to their own clothing. There was a beat, during which neither of them moved, until Arthur finally just did it, pulled his shirt up over his head and pushed his football shorts and pants down in one, not wanting to draw it out, lest he lost his nerve. When he looked up, Merlin was stripping as well, and then they were both naked, staring at each other with insistent, achingly hard cocks.
"Come on," Arthur said, reaching towards Merlin. Merlin took his hand and they stepped into the shower one after the other, taking it in turns to stand under the spray. Arthur took the soap and washed himself with business-like efficiency, wanting to get the necessities out of the way. He handed Merlin the soap and turned away, shy about soaping his dick and balls with Merlin watching. He heard Merlin behind him, lathering the soap in his hands and then on his body, and Arthur distracted himself rubbing shampoo into his hair.
"Can I wash your back?" Merlin asked uncertainly, breaking their silence. Arthur looked over his shoulder at him.
"Yeah," he said. "Just let me-" He ducked his head under the water, rinsing out the shampoo. He stepped back so the water hit his chest.
Merlin's hand came tentatively to Arthur's back, pressing the bar of soap to his skin, sliding it across his shoulder blades and down, over the small of his back and lower, stopping just short of his arse. Merlin set the soap back in its dish and pressed both his hands to Arthur's skin, sliding them through the soapy slickness. Arthur closed his eyes and dropped his head forward, breathing into the feel of Merlin's hands on him. His cock pulsed.
"You're so hot like this," Merlin said, his voice shaking, and he was so much closer than Arthur had realised. He leaned in to press a kiss to Arthur's shoulder, and his stiff cock brushed against Arthur's arse.
Arthur lost his breath for a moment, then spun around to kiss him urgently. Merlin's arms wound around his shoulders and pulled him close, so their cocks knocked together, leaving Arthur dizzy. They'd touched each other's erections before, but only ever through their clothes and in a rush before one of them had to go-never anything like this, naked and wet and totally open.
Merlin's body pressed against his was intoxicating, and Arthur skittered a hand down his side to his hip, and then between their bodies to Merlin's cock. He slid his fingers around it loosely, and Merlin gasped.
"Is this OK?" he asked. "Can I-"
"Yeah," Merlin answered, breathy and gone, "please, yeah," so Arthur closed his fingers more tightly around Merlin's shaft and started rubbing it up and down. He watched his hand move, not quite believing it was real, not quite trusting that the weight of Merlin's cock against his fingers wasn't just his imagination.
Merlin pawed at him, wanting something, and Arthur looked up at him in confusion.
"Wha-" he started, but Merlin surged forward and pushed him up against the shower wall, crowded in close and kissed him hard. Arthur grunted and opened his mouth, sliding his tongue against Merlin's as it pushed past his lips. Merlin batted Arthur's hand out of the way, and then wrapped his long, hot fingers around both of their cocks at once so they slid together, tip to root, flush along their lengths. Arthur choked and bucked his hips, knocking his head against the wall.
"Merlin," he groaned, helplessly, as Merlin buried his face in the crook of Arthur's shoulder and continued to jack them both, breathing hard and fast against Arthur's wet skin. Arthur screwed his eyes closed and clawed at Merlin's shoulders, slid one hand up the back of Merlin's head to bury his fingers in thick, wet hair, and then he was coming, pulling Merlin's hair and spurting all over his hand and cock. Merlin shuttered and shortly followed him over the edge, and then they were just standing under the water and panting, until they were kissing, endlessly, and the water was starting to run cool.
"Are you clean enough yet to go back into the bedroom?" Merlin mumbled against Arthur's shoulder, and Arthur chuckled. He shut the water off and reached past the shower curtain for a towel, which he wrapped around Merlin's shoulders before grabbing a second one off the rack.
They didn't say anything, and Arthur started to smile as he dragged the towel over his body and watched Merlin do the same.
"What?" Merlin asked, his ears pink, his mouth turning up at the corners.
"Nothing," Arthur answered, and his smile got bigger. Merlin smiled back, bashful, and Arthur had to kiss him again.
They did eventually make it back into the bedroom, mostly dry and unable to stop touching one another. Merlin threw back the covers on Arthur's bed and jumped in, stark naked. Arthur stood by the bed, catching his breath.
"C'mon," Merlin said. "Get in."
Arthur grinned and made a quick detour to his chest of drawers to retrieve two pairs of boxer shorts. He pulled one on and tossed the other at Merlin's head. "Just in case we get an unexpected visit from Leon in the morning," he said.
"All right, all right," Merlin said, pretending to pout as he pulled them on. Arthur switched off the light and climbed into bed, sliding in close and pulling Merlin flush against him.
There were a number of things he almost said in the minutes before they fell asleep, some of them teasing and some of them not, but he didn't manage any of them. Merlin pulled Arthur's arms tight around him, snuggled in close and hummed contentedly. Arthur pressed his lips to Merlin's shoulder and gave in to sleep.
#
Arthur winced as he woke to the sharp glare of sunlight through his bedroom window. His phone buzzed against the nightstand. He frowned at it in annoyance, but reached for it anyway. Next to him, Merlin continued snoring softly, and Arthur had to stop mid-reach to snicker at him. His phone buzzed again, impatiently, and Arthur continued grinning as he thumbed in his passcode.
He had fourteen new emails, which seemed like a lot. All but two of them were Facebook friend requests. One of the others was a Facebook photo notification, and the second was yet another Val alert email, which Arthur knew he would unsubscribe from soon. He scanned the names on the friend requests, and clicked on the photo notification. He hadn't been tagged in a photo on Facebook in ages, not since he'd last had friends-not since before he was expelled. He clicked the link, and the picture loaded, and his stomach lurched.
It was a picture of him and Merlin, from the previous night. They were on the pitch together, smiling. Their faces were very close together, and Arthur knew it was the moment just after he'd kissed him. It was an intimate picture, which had no business on Facebook, and Arthur's thumb was hovering over the tagging icon so he could remove his name when he noticed how many likes the photo had.
Thirty-four.
In the hour since it had been posted, thirty-four people had liked this photograph of Arthur and Merlin all but kissing. Arthur swallowed, and tapped the screen to pull up the list of people who'd liked it.
They were all familiar names, people from school. Several of them were the same names on the friend requests in his inbox, and the rest were surely friends of Merlin, except for the very first one on the list, the only one Arthur was already Facebook friends with: Chris Valiant.
Arthur stared at his name, unable to process it.
His heart hammering, he went back to his email and looked more closely at the message with Val's name in the subject line, and it wasn't a Google Alert after all. It was a Facebook message.
Hey man. You look really happy. I'm glad.
I never apologized, or even said thank you. I know I'm a dick. Sorry.
Thank you. I didn't deserve what you did for me.
-Val
Arthur stared at the message for a long while and nearly deleted it without replying, but changed his mind. He'd grown rather fond of telling the truth. You are a dick, he wrote, but I'm not sorry. Turns out it was the best thing that ever happened to me. He hit send, deleted the original message, and turned his phone completely off in favour of burrowing back into bed.
He slid right up behind Merlin's long, warm body, wrapped an arm around his middle and pulled them as close together as he could. Merlin stirred, making a low sound in his throat. "Hi," he said, voice sleep-rough.
"Hi," Arthur whispered.
"Everything OK?" Merlin asked.
"Yeah," Arthur said.
Merlin cocked his head up off the pillow. "Arthur, are you shaking?" He slid a hand over Arthur's on his stomach, and Arthur pulled him closer.
"Yeah, sorry. A little. It's OK, though-everything's fine." He sighed, taking a deep breath that smelled of nothing but Merlin, and felt his nerves start to calm. He spread his fingers wide under Merlin's hand, and Merlin threaded their fingers together obligingly. "Everything's great," he said, and for the first time in a long time, it felt like the truth.