the last five minutes ill spend alive i dedicated to you
all i want is for you to call me. say its going to be fine. we'll talk. it'll be different in the morning. ill be sober. youll be awake. all i want is for you to try and find me. for you to come knock on my window to just sit there and say you dont know what to do. that you are helpless in this too. its funny, we can relate now. i know the depth the insanity has left me. but you wont even leave the comfort of that chair to come walk through that wet grass to find my window. ive left the blinds open every night hoping someone would at least try. i dont care if you got the wrong window, as long as you have the grass stains. but youd be the last one to come. even in my final desperation of closing doors and walking down steps keeping calm to walk past cars of people, i will only think about how you didnt want to sit on the floor. you hestated coming to my level. hesitated even being level with me. i just want you to say you hate me. im annoying. im ugly. you're tired. you're stressed. you're giving up. but you won't/ you will just read this. and not even think twice. maybe in your dreams. maybe in the morning. maybe next time i see you. but right now, you arent going to do a damn thing about it are you. you arent even goign to call me to make sure im not still thinking of jumping off that ledge. that hesitation that i would never have to make sure you okay, kills me. becauseyou will still be sitting there by the time i wake up in the morning. maybe its because you never showed me how you felt. i never got a letter, or a special present. god, id have to twist your arm to borrow your jacket if i was cold. i know i put myself in this position. you warned me you'd never give a shit. you told me you did it just because you knew it made me mad. but seriously. i hate you. i cant sleep at night sometimes. i quit my job. i blocked your screen name. i cut up pictures. i burned old emails. i made out with other boys. i convinced myself every morning that it would be okay. id make any excuse to spend five seconds in a room with you. because you were the one guy who never said i love you back. and that was okay. but you never even said you cared. you never said "tiffany, thank you for always being there". you know i at least tried. so maybe i cant paint. or i cant draw. my writing isnt up to par. my voice is horendous. i get nervous when i kiss you. i fall asleep during movies. i cant spell worth shit. im always the first one there. ive always been at your beckoning call. but you arent even going to get up from that seat. not even going to leave rocks on my car. not even goign to leave me a voice mail. not even going to visit me at work. your not goign to eat with me at dennys. and your not going to watch my fall asleep. your not going to makeout with me. and your not going to help me pick out an outfit for a concert. your just going to sit there. at least somethings never do change. at least you are still predictable.