Holding onto Gravity
Title: Holding onto Gravity
Pairing: Sehun/Lu Han
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Lu Han was not in a good place when he first came to Korea. Basically cooking, cooking from Lu Han's POV
7300w.
A/N: title taken from Nell's last album XD. So, so many thanks to niyaowo, sunbites, and pillowfrost for constantly cheering me on. This is for them ;~~~~~~;
Lu Han was not in a good place when he first came to Korea. He was so full of bitterness and discouraged by the turn of events in his life that in addition to making Lu Han take intensive Korean language courses, Kris also manhandled him into anger management class.
"I can't have you butting heads with the head chef," Kris said, trying to drag Lu Han into the classroom while Lu Han clung stubbornly to the door frame. "Suho would have a heart attack."
"Me? Anger management classes?" Lu Han said incredulously. "But I'm as harmless as a deer."
"A very angry deer, with antlers and a powerful back kick," Kris said darkly.
It was true, Lu Han had to grudgingly admit. He'd already broken three of Kris' appliances and several of his dishes in the first week that he had crashed in Kris' place. He wasn't sure how that happened.
But in truth, he was really grateful to Kris for giving him this opportunity to rebuild his life and he felt really bad about all the stuff he destroyed in his blind rage. He tried to repay Kris for them and for the Korean language courses and for the anger management classes and for the plane tickets and for room and board with the little bit of savings he had left, but Kris waved it away.
"Your ass is mine for the next couple of years," Kris said with a predatory grin.
Lu Han gulped.
---
The first time Lu Han saw EXO's kitchen, he had to swallow down his gasp of awe. It was miles of stainless steel, completely spotless to the point that even his professional eye couldn't find a single stain on any surface. It was everything that he wanted his dream kitchen to be, but he didn't want to be there. It was a reminder of everything he had lost.
It was at rest, because Kris had told him to come in on Wednesday morning, their slowest time of the week, to be introduced to the rest of the staff. Everyone was gathered around the large island in the middle of the kitchen, glancing curiously at him, except for Sehun, who glared unceasingly at him. He stood away from everyone else, leaning against the soup station, the giant soup pot next to him like it was his only companion.
"Alright, kids, this is your new manager, Lu Han," Suho introduced, patting Lu Han on the shoulder. "I want you all to make him feel welcome." He punctuated this with a pointed look at Sehun, who stared disdainfully back at him.
"Hi, I'm Lu Han," Lu Han said, mustering a smile.
"Hi, Lu Han," came the chorus of voices.
Lu Han went around, finding out everyone's names individually. He learned that Baekhyun was the sous chef and had been with the restaurant since it first opened. He learned that Chanyeol was the pastry chef and also Baekhyun's...something or other.
"Yeah, we're still trying to figure that out ourselves," Chanyeol said, grinning at Baekhyun, who rolled his eyes at him, but he was smiling just as widely. Lu Han wasn't sure they even noticed him inching away, but that was alright because the next person he came upon was-
"Oh my god, my brethren!" Lu Han said excitedly in Chinese, gripping Yixing by the shoulders like they really were long lost brothers. Yixing was bearing this with staid aplomb, dimpling at him with a shy smile. Lu Han was not afraid to admit that he cried like a little baby into his pillow every night for the first month that he was in Korea, throbbing head filled with foreign sounds and gurgling stomach full of foreign food. He missed China and his apartment with the grandmother next door who always knew where the best deals in produce were and was willing to cough up the information in exchange for a dim sum date every Sunday morning. Everything was different in Korea, but it wasn't so different that there weren't little reminders of home, like Yixing and his Mandarin, tinged with the slightest Changsha accent.
He made his way through the rest of the staff, chatting briefly with each of them, before looking around to see where Sehun might be, so he could introduce himself. He didn't have to look far, Sehun descending upon him.
"There are some ground rules in my kitchen," was the first thing out of his mouth.
Kris had already sufficiently warned Lu Han about Chef Sehun, so he was not caught by surprise by Sehun's brusqueness. But he was taken aback by how young he really was. The countless magazines and culinary blogs that he'd been featured in and talked about always mentioned Sehun's age and what a prodigy he was, but the scope of what that meant didn't hit Lu Han until that moment when he saw Sehun standing before him, his fists clenched, like he was a little kid having a temper tantrum. He was a little kid having a temper tantrum.
"Sure," Lu Han said. "Go ahead." He hoped he didn't sound too condescending.
Lu Han could see Sehun taking a deep breath, like he was puffing himself up to full, intimidating height. It was actually kind of cute. "My kitchen, my rules. That is all."
---
The first day of work was miserable. Lu Han made it through with what he managed to piece together by what he already knew and what he guessed by context, but Kai and Kyungsoo had to swoop in and save him every time he had trouble communicating with the customers.
"It'll get better," Kai tried to reassure him while Kyungsoo flashed him an encouraging smile. Lu Han didn't have the heart to return it.
Every night for the next three months, Lu Han would hang his suit up in the closet of his room, smoothing down any wrinkles, before sitting down at the table in Kris' kitchen, Korean practice books and a dictionary laid before him. He would study and mouth each phrase and sentence, each grammar rule, repeatedly under his breath until around three in the morning, when he would hear, without fail, Kris shuffling from his room to the bathroom to pee. That was his cue to get some sleep before the day began again.
The anger never went away, the grinding ache of injustice at why he had to learn a new language in the first place, exiled from his motherland and from the kitchen, because people had deemed him inadequate.
The first time Sehun yelled at him, Lu Han had to employ every method he had learned from anger management class to swallow the fury that rose from his throat, thick, black, and suffocating. It was only when he got to ten and took a deep, cleansing breath that he felt he was able to speak. "Okay, I'll tell the rest of the waiters."
He had to remind himself that this should be nothing compared to the long line of indignities he'd already had to endure.
It didn't make it hurt any less.
---
Lu Han looked at his latest bank account statement and sighed. It was a deep pay cut that he took when he agreed to become a restaurant manager, having been accustomed to head chef salary. By the time he saved enough money for culinary school, it'll be time to retire. He'd have to hobble around the kitchen with a bad arthritic leg and a cane. He saw his life flash by in a montage of chefs passing him one by one, moving forward, getting younger and younger while he got older and older until all that was left of him was a bent, resentful, empty husk of an old man who yelled at people to get off his property.
"You okay there?" Kris asked, pulling Lu Han out of his thoughts. "Your face was contorting in ways that was kind of concerning."
"I'm fine." Lu Han shook his head with a reassuring smile and slipped the bank statement back into the envelope it came in. "You hungry?"
Kris, who had returned his attention back to the TV, turned back around on the couch to look at him. "You're cooking?"
Lu Han couldn't blame Kris for being surprised. The first thing Lu Han did when he arrived in Korea and Kris brought him back to his apartment was fling himself onto Kris' couch and wailed very dramatically that he will never cook again. "Yeah, I know, but I have to keep it up, don't I?" Lu Han said. "Let's also invite Yixing and Tao."
Kris stared at him for a beat longer and then broke into a small grin. "Sounds good."
Yixing accepted the invitation, but Tao had a poetry writing night class and couldn't make it.
Lu Han raised an inquiring eyebrow at Kris.
"His sonnets are really quite good," Kris insisted.
Yixing came bearing a bottle of 1988 vintage wine.
"This wine is older than all of us," Kris said appreciatively, pouring each of them a glass.
By this time, the pulled pork and kimchi was done and the watercress soup was simmering on the stove, ready to be served. They sat down to eat.
"Why didn't you tell me you were secretly a chef?" Yixing asked Lu Han when it was revealed to him who had prepared the soup that made him wanted to weep in nostalgia for the soups his mother used to make for him.
"I am a restaurant manager by day, chef by night," Lu Han said. "In short, I am actually Batman." He added, "Don't tell anyone about this, though."
Kris noisily slurped up the rest of his bowl of soup before speaking. "I would've given Lu Han a position in the kitchen if one had been open." He tightened his grip around the spoon in his hand and frowned. "I feel like I'm complicit in denying him his career."
"Kris," Lu Han murmured, staring down at his napkin, which had been shredded to strips by his fidgeting hands. Ever since he had been laid off, he had asked himself over and over again why he wanted to cook because along the way, he had found himself losing sight of it. Today, watching his friends enjoy what he had made, still believing in him despite everything, the answer came back to Lu Han. He cleared his throat.
"So," he said, "who wants seconds?"
After, the conversation continued to flow freely, much like the wine. Lu Han found out that Yixing had also been recruited by Kris when EXO first opened its doors a little more than a year ago.
"At that time, neither Suho nor I knew anything about the restaurant business," Kris explained. "Suho had just gotten his hands on his trust fund and wanted to do something with it, but didn't know what, so one of his friends suggested that he should open a restaurant. He came to the bank I was working in to apply for a loan and I became his financial consultant. I did such a good job keeping his finances organized, he asked me to come on board as co-owner."
"Your ego. I'm so glad I'm mildly drunk for this," Lu Han teased lightly. "Well, what about Sehun? How did you find him?"
Kris poured himself another glass of wine. Lu Han suspected he needed it. "He came in one day without having submitted an application beforehand. I wasn't aware of who he was at the time and Suho kept his fanboying to a minimum until after Sehun left, so I took one look at him and told him that all the waiter positions have been filled. He glared at me and told me that he's interviewing for head chef and handed me his CV. I couldn't believe my ears and I said, "You're seventeen years old. What makes you think you're qualified to be head chef?" You know what he said?"" Kris stopped and took a gulp of wine. "The punk said, "Give me a pan and I'll show you.""
"What did he make?" asked Lu Han.
"Something with beef in it, I don't remember, but it was really good," Kris said vaguely, earning him noises of outrage from Lu Han and Yixing.
Kris continued. "When I called Sehun to tell him that he got the job, he didn't say anything for a minute. It was so quiet that I thought the line went dead, then he said, "Thank you for not mentioning my father" and hung up. I found out later that he had rejected three other restaurants because that was the first thing the owners wanted to discuss."
Lu Han twirled the stem of his empty wineglass between his fingers, thinking about what he had heard. In many ways, Sehun, who was the embodiment of everything that Lu Han was trying so hard to achieve, was really not so different from him after all. He was trying to prove himself, just like what Lu Han was doing.
"To be honest, he's really not as scary as he thinks he is," Yixing said thoughtfully. "One time, I screwed up real bad. I'd rather not talk about it. I thought for sure that he was going to fire me. At the hospital, he just stood by my bed, shuffled his feet a little, and said, "I'll see you next week" before he left."
This was a lot of food for thought, Lu Han thought. Pun intended. He cleared his throat again. "So, who wants thirds?"
"Just how much food did you make?" Yixing asked.
---
Lu Han skipped merrily to work the next day. He felt rejuvenated after the dinner last night. Preparing a meal for his friends and enjoying it with them reminded Lu Han that there were simpler joys to this profession and that at the very least, he could still have that. No one could take that away from him.
"Someone got some last night?" Jongdae remarked, waggling his eyebrows.
Lu Han laughed. "I wish."
At around three in the afternoon, right before dinner prep began, Yixing called Lu Han over after Lu Han had finished consulting with Sehun and Baekhyun about the specials for the day, which basically consisted of Sehun making various grunting noises like a Neanderthal and Baekhyun translating them for Lu Han.
"Hey, watch the soups for me. I have to pee really bad," Yixing said when Lu Han got to him. He handed Lu Han the ladle. "Also, let me know what you think." He made a bee line for the restroom before Lu Han could say anything. He stared at the four pots simmering on the stove before trying one of them.
Lu Han took a sip and mmmm, that really hit the spot. The pot that Lu Han had tasted was smoked sausage and chicken soup and it was thick and savory, but a little salty. Lu Han glanced around him and when he was sure that no one was looking, threw a cup of water in there. He paused and added some more thyme and, crushing some parsley, tossed it in there as well.
Shortly after, Yixing popped back beside Lu Han. "Alright, I'm back. So, what do you think?"
Lu Han tried the other three soups. "Good, good, good, and really good," he said, nodding. "The sausage and chicken is my favorite."
Yixing looked pleased and it suddenly occurred to Lu Han that Yixing's intentions this whole time had been to seek his approval. For a moment, Lu Han could pretend that he was back in his old kitchen, still in command of it. Lu Han felt an overwhelming wave of gratitude towards Yixing for granting him the privilege of being acknowledged as a chef again.
"Uh, okay, let me know if you need anything else," Lu Han said, trying not to wibble. Yixing gave him a quick thumbs up before turning his attention back to the pots.
Later that evening, Lu Han was reviewing all the current open orders on the computer in the kitchen when he spotted Sehun at Yixing's soup station. He creeped inconspicuously closer to hear what they were saying, keeping behind Sehun and a slightly baffled Minseok sandwiched in between so he wouldn't be spotted.
"This was really popular tonight," he heard Sehun say while pointing to the sausage and chicken pot. "I'm going to make it soup of the day tomorrow."
Lu Han quickly scooted back to where he was originally so it wouldn't look like he was eavesdropping when Sehun walked away. Yixing spotted him anyway and upon tasting the soup again, motioned to Lu Han, pointing to the pot with a questioning glance.
Lu Han raised his arms to clasped his hands together above his head. He wiggled his body a little. Then he balled one of his hands into a fist and made a crumbling motion. He stopped and looked at Yixing.
Yixing looked blankly at him for a second, to the point where Lu Han was starting to feel stupid about what he just did, when a light went off Yixing's head. "Parsley," he mouthed to Lu Han.
Lu Han grinned and they air fived each other. Lu Han was turning to head back out of the kitchen when he caught Sehun giving him the Eyebrow of Judgment from his own station across the room. Much later, when Sehun asked him about what the hell he was doing, Lu Han had to explain to him that he was trying to imitate a leaf.
"Oh. Ohhhhhh," Sehun said, understanding. "You know, the whole time I thought it was an intricate mating dance and I got really jealous."
"Lord help me, but you're an idiot," Lu Han said fondly, not for the first time, nor the last time. "Not to mention I would not want you as my partner in charades."
Kai popped his head up from under the bar counter where he had been unpacking bottles of vodka. "After listening to this conversation, I have determined that all three of you are idiots. It's like you all share one big stupid brain. Now, who wants a drink because I know I need one, being around so much stupid."
"I'll drink to that," Kyungsoo said, raising his glass.
Lu Han would be more offended if it wasn't actually true. (Unfortunately, it was.)
---
The best and worst thing about working at EXO was when Sehun was inspired by an idea for next week's theme ingredient. During those first few months, Lu Han found himself learning and expanding what he knew about cooking, which had started to stagnate after he was laid off. He secretly took notes on a small notebook he kept beside the one he took orders on. He himself was inspired by Sehun's tireless pursuit for new and interesting dishes, and the most important lesson he took away was that the possibilities were indeed limitless.
The worst thing was the demands and expectations Sehun had for the rest of the staff when that happened. Twenty-five pounds of Sevruga caviar had to be ordered now, cost and availability be damned. Lu Han lost count of all the hours spent on Google and on the phone negotiating fees with wholesale distributors long into the night because of Sehun's whims. He eventually had to pick up English because of all the talking he had to do with foreign distributors, trying to get them to ship their goods halfway around the world at half the price and twice the speed.
During working hours, Lu Han would cringe at the trail of dirty pans, bowls, knives and other instruments that Sehun leaves behind in the mad frenzy of his cooking. He himself preferred to be more organized and methodical about it because he knew someone had to be responsible for cleaning that shit up afterwards.
Lu Han knew the cook who took care of the dishes back at his old restaurant. She was a Chinese-American expat and her name was Amber. She was a tough and efficient worker, and she eventually became his sous chef.
He shot Tao a sympathetic look. Tao caught him looking and shrugged sheepishly before turning back to the sink to begin the next stack of dishes. The way he did it reminded Lu Han very much of Amber.
Lu Han turned to look at Sehun, who was taste-testing an asparagus from an order that Baekhyun had just completed, his lips tilting up slightly before he pushed it back down into a frown and dismissed Baekhyun with an indifferent wave of his hand. Neither Baekhyun nor Lu Han missed it though. Baekhyun grinned and gave Sehun a quick pat on his behind before running to place his plate on the serving counter.
Sehun's scowl grew deeper. "That's a health code violation," Lu Han heard him say before Sehun turned back to his own workstation.
Maybe it wasn't so terrible being here.
---
The first time Lu Han stayed with Sehun to clean up the kitchen was unintentional. Sehun had demanded that only landlocked salmon from the lakes of Maine will work for next week's theme ingredient, so Lu Han waited until midnight before making the call to account for the time difference.
Fortunately, this time the order went through smoothly and he was able to wrap up the call within fifteen minutes. He hung up the phone, patted himself on the back for a job well done, and exited Kris' office.
The staff had started to leave around the same time he had sat down to make the call, so by the time he came out of the office, everyone was gone. The main dining hall looked surreal when it was devoid of the usual hustle and bustle of people, as if Lu Han was the sole survivor of a zombie apocalypse.
He heard the soft swish of movement in the kitchen and he drifted towards it, pushing open the swinging doors.
Sehun was mopping the floor, his back to Lu Han, but he turned when he heard Lu Han come in. He was slightly startled by Lu Han's presence, Lu Han being able to tell only by the almost imperceptible widening of Sehun's eyes before he quickly turned away from him.
"The salmon will be here in two days," Lu Han informed him, his voice coming out soft. The quiet solitude of the empty restaurant seemed to demand it.
Sehun nodded and muttered something under his breath that sounded like a thank you. Sehun-speak was probably the most difficult of the three languages that he had to learn since he started working at EXO, but Lu Han thought he was getting better at it. Baekhyun even said so.
Lu Han saw the stack of dishes leaning high and precariously in the sink and instinctively moved towards it, rolling up his sleeves, to start cleaning them. He'd done his fair share of dish washing duty when he had first started out, still wet behind the ears, and forever after, nothing ever gave him a full body twitch more than the sight of dirty dishes. Not even Sehun's awesome blowjobs and clever fingers.
"You don't have to do that," he heard Sehun say behind him, sounding harassed that someone was trying to make his life easier. Lu Han rolled his eyes in exasperation, not even caring anymore if Sehun could see him doing it.
It became a routine for Lu Han, completing his own tasks before bounding into the kitchen to help Sehun clean up. At first, Sehun tried to fight him on it, but gradually resigned himself to having his space invaded by Lu Han. Lu Han knew he tended to have that kind of effect on people, wearing them down like the elements turning rock to sand. He was not at all apologetic about it. He found that he enjoyed Sehun's stoic and sometimes abrupt, but always endearing, company, despite himself. He would try to gently test the limits of Sehun's boundaries, but quickly retreat when he saw that Sehun was getting uncomfortable, his ultimate goal always to try to coax a smile out of Sehun. He wasn't sure if it was for his own sake or Sehun's.
The day had been cold, a product of Korea's unforgiving winter, when Lu Han commuted to work that morning, so he was delaying leaving the warmth of the kitchen and Sehun's company that night by regaling him with stories, mostly ones about Kyungsoo because, well, nothing brought people at EXO together like making fun of Kyungsoo.
He was feeling loose and languid from warmth of the restaurant and something else, completely relaxed for the first time since he came to Korea, when he leaned in, Sehun's face close enough that he could see each individual lash of his eyes and he caught himself wondering if Sehun had ever let anyone else in this close before.
Then Sehun licked his lips and Lu Han's heart skipped a beat. His stomach clenched, from the dawning dread of what that meant, colliding emotions merging together into something that felt like pain more than anything else, because he had been given yet another thing that he could not have.
He had the leave, the warmth now turning oppressive. He jerked back, feeling like something had been severed and it hurt.
"I, um, just remembered I needed to do something," Lu Han said with difficulty. "I'm sorry I can't stay. I'll see you tomorrow-I mean today. Later on today."
The sharp, bitter cold when he fled outside cleared his mind a little, but he still turned back, every atom in his body wanting to stay and go back in. He saw Sehun standing alone and small in front of the kitchen doors at the back of the restaurant, both too far out of his reach.
---
Lu Han avoided the kitchen for the next few days. It wasn't where he belonged anyway, not anymore, and he had deluded himself in thinking that he had a place in it.
It wasn't until a week later that he saw Minseok approaching him with a harried look on his face. Chefs rarely ever leave the kitchen in the middle of service, especially in the state that Minseok was in, so Lu Han knew something was wrong.
"What is it?" Lu Han asked when their paths intersected.
"Sehun is going on a rampage again," Minseok whispered close to his ear to avoid alarming the diners near them. "You better do something."
"Me?" Lu Han said, baffled. "Why me?"
Minseok shot him an impatient look and hurried back to the kitchen without another word, like he was expecting Lu Han to follow. He had no choice but to do so.
He found the kitchen in a state of deadly silence and everyone turned to look at him when he came in, except for Sehun who was standing in the middle of the kitchen, gripping the handle of a sizzling pan of pork chops and glaring at Tao. "I can shit out something better than this," Sehun was saying, his voice even and emotionless, like he was as empty inside as Lu Han was feeling. Tao spared a quick pleading glance at Lu Han before lowering his gaze back down to the floor.
Lu Han strode over as swiftly as he could. "Sehun, could I see you for a moment?" he said, taking the pan out of Sehun's hand and placing it down on the stovetop. He took a hold of Sehun's arm and started dragging him into the pantry, Sehun and everyone else probably too startled to stop him. Lu Han shoved Sehun in there, locked the door, and turned to him. His disappointment in Sehun caused him more heartache than his affection for Sehun, his desire, which to his shame, never wavered.
"Why are you being such an asshole?" He said. "I mean, more than usual?" He added meanly, angry at Sehun and at himself.
He saw Sehun take a step back like he had taken a physical blow and he quickly regretted what he said. He was going to apologize when Sehun closed himself off, his face set like granite once again. "You don't know anything about me," Sehun hissed. "Now get the fuck out of my way."
This was true, too true and the knowledge burned him more than it should. He had no right to tell Sehun what to do. What was he but a second rate chef? But that didn't mean Sehun wasn't also a spoiled little kid, who still had a lot of growing up to do despite his achievements, but who also looked lost and hurt and always so miserable.
Before Lu Han could stop himself, he blurted out, "Sometimes I really just want to punch you in the face. You're so brilliant but you could be so much more if you actually enjoy what you're doing, but you're miserable and you take it out on other people and I just-." He was on a slippery slope and if he continued, he was going down a path where it would end in nothing but hurt for him.
Sehun's voice sounded splintered when he spoke. "Why should you care?"
It was then that Lu Han looked at Sehun with new eyes. "You think I don't care," he said wonderingly, the realization dawning on him that maybe, maybe Sehun wanted him to. He held his breath, not daring to hope.
Sehun stared back, eyes slowly widening. "Lu Han," he said. It sounded like a plea.
"Yes," Lu Han said, letting out an exhale of great relief and exhilaration bubbling deep inside him. Yes.
Lu Han staggered back from the force of Sehun's body, but the momentum of his own desire drove him forward and he kissed Sehun back with the desperation of a starved animal. He grabbed fistfuls of Sehun's tunic and held on, afraid that Sehun was going to change his mind and go away. But Sehun only groaned into his mouth and pressed in, kissing him deeper until Lu Han had no more doubt in his mind.
---
Lu Han was twenty-two years old, totally having a quarter life crisis, and yet, his life was perfect.
Except it wasn't always perfect because Sehun tended to have the emotional availability of a cockroach and that was being very generous. And he was always so busy. But then he would look at Lu Han with eyes full of adoration and lean into Lu Han's touches like he was helpless for them, and Lu Han would think that being laid off, bearing the shame of exile and inadequacy, everything that he had suffered up to now, was worth it because it had brought him to Sehun.
---
"So," Kris said idly, some time later. "You and Sehun, huh?"
"Oh my god!" exclaimed Lu Han. "I totally forgot to tell you."
'Yes, thank you for that," Kris said dryly. "One of your oldest and dearest friends in the whole world and you forget to tell me that you've been fraternizing with the head chef."
"You make it sound so dirty," Lu Han remarked. He grinned. "I like it."
Kris didn't return his smile as he studied Lu Han thoughtfully. "Have you told him what you really are yet?" He asked.
'What, that I'm actually a billionaire, philanthropist playboy masquerading as a crime fighting hero?" Lu Han said.
"I knew I shouldn't have let you watch The Avengers last night," Kris grumbled.
Lu Han looked down at his hands, suddenly really interested in the scar on his index finger, so he wouldn't have to look at Kris. "No, I haven't."
Kris didn't say anything for a moment. It was so quiet that Lu Han could hear the clock ticking on the TV stand. Finally Kris spoke. "If there is one thing I've learned since getting into this restaurant business, it's that no kitchen will ever be big enough for the egos of two head chefs. There's barely enough room as it is for one at EXO," he said. "Especially someone like Sehun who has never had it difficult his entire life."
Lu Han was quick to defend. "That's not true-"
"You know what I mean," Kris said, looking hard at Lu Han.
Lu Han knew what he meant. Sehun had started working as soon as he was able to waddle, yes, because it was his birthright. But he'd never had everything taken away from him before like it had for Lu Han, fallen from grace in the blink of an eye. It had been a debilitating experience for Lu Han, and it humbled him. "Why do I have to-," he began, then stopped. It wasn't like it was going to change anything if he told Sehun. What Kris said was true, which meant that it was probably better not to say anything to Sehun at all. And it wasn't like Lu Han was a challenge to Sehun anyway. Culinary school was still a long time away and by that point, who knows where they'll be and maybe - Lu Han swallowed hard at this - Sehun would've moved on, realizing that Lu Han really wasn't worth his attention.
"You should tell him," Kris said, his voice softer now. "So he wouldn't find out later from somewhere else."
---
Sehun found out, because as usual, Lu Han was an idiot.
Lu Han had been so wrapped up in Sehun, had gotten so comfortable with him in his life, that he'd forgotten that there were still things about him that Sehun didn't know.
Sehun looked up at him with big, round eyes of hurt and betrayal. "But why didn't you ever tell me that you're a chef?"
This was when Lu Han knew he could never keep a secret from Sehun because he never wanted to be the one to put that look on his face again. Little did he know that he would be the only one who will ever have the power to do so.
---
Everyone at EXO teased them about it. Even being a scary ass head chef apparently did not exempt Sehun and Lu Han from being the target of their good-natured, but really annoying, jokes.
"Ah, in-law, how are you?" Suho took to greeting Kris whenever they were in Lu Han and Sehun's presence. "It's been a while since we've met for tea to strengthen our familial bonds, don't you think?"
"Indeed, in-law, indeed," Kris replied.
Sehun glowered and threatened to fire everyone. The waiters told him that he had no jurisdiction over them while the chefs cowered and quickly shut the hell up. Lu Han facepalmed.
Minseok tilted his head and glanced between the two of them. "You know, you guys look really alike, now that I think about it. If I didn't know any better, I'd think you guys were-"
"Yes," Sehun said, exasperated. "We know."
"Awesome," Baekhyun said to Chanyeol. "Now they can stop making fun of us!" They high fived each other, Baekhyun having to jump to reach Chanyeol's hand.
---
But at night, when Sehun was curled into him, asleep, his soft, steady breath in rhythm with the beat of Lu Han's heart, Lu Han knew that he was on borrowed time. He tightened his arms around Sehun and tried to hold for as long as he can.
---
Lu Han held the acceptance letter reverently in his hand, staring disbelievingly at the Culinary Institute of America letterhead, the symbol of all his hopes. He glanced up at Sehun, who looked expectant and thrilled and sad at the same time, and saw the same hopes reflected back at him.
"Stop wibbling at me," Sehun said, a teasing half-smile playing on his lips.
Lu Han clutched his trembling chin. "Shut up."
It sounded a lot more like "I love you."
---
Telling Kris that he had to resign as manager of EXO to go back to school was another matter. Lu Han's fist hovered over the closed door of Kris' office at EXO, stomach churning in anxiety, but most of all, the guilt was killing him. Kris had found him at the lowest point of his life, cleaned him up, and gave him a purpose in life when he had lost sight of it. And what if Kris insisted that he stayed? Lu Han knew that he would never do that, but Lu Han wasn't sure if his answer would be no if Kris did ask him to stay.
"Stop loitering behind the door and just come in," Lu Han heard Kris say, exasperation clear through the muffle.
Lu Han pushed the door open. "How'd you know I was there?" He asked, incredulous.
"I'm all-knowing," Kris said, looking up at Lu Han once he had finished typing up the poster of specials for next week on the computer on his desk. "What's up? Oh, and have a seat."
Lu Han sat, but didn't say anything. He didn't know what to say, or how to begin. It felt like he was at the edge of a precipice, because he knew that once he tells Kris, there was no turning back after that.
"Your face is contorting again," Kris said, leaning forward in his chair to get a better look at Lu Han. "Is everything okay?"
Lu Han shook his head and suddenly blurted out, "Sehun got me into the CIA and I have to leave in, like, two months to go back to school and I'm really sorry that I can't finish out the full tenure of my indentured servitude, but I can totally help you train the next manager you're going to hire and I'm really grateful for everything that you've done for me, believe me, and I feel horrible-"
Kris held up a hand. "Okay, stop," he ordered. Lu Han clamped his mouth shut. Kris paused for a moment and then he said, "Lu Han, are we not bros?"
"The broest of bros," Lu Han answered, timidly.
"Well, bros don't hold bros back from pursuing dreams. That's like the first rule of the bro book," Kris said. "Look, I already found out that you have been accepted to the CIA, naturally not from you again, and I'm really happy for you, Lu Han, really."
Lu Han's heart swelled. So did tears in his eyes.
Kris continued, "But hey, that doesn't mean you're not still indentured to me." He pulled out the top drawer of his desk and took out a notebook. He flipped it open and started adding figures. "This just means that your ass is mine for a couple of more years, give and take a month or so. According to my calculations, your ass is fucked forever."
Lu Han found himself not quite minding that.
---
Sehun was quiet all night while they each tended to their chores. It was only after they were done with everything that Sehun turned to Lu Han and asked, "Are you hungry?"
Lu Han nodded and hoisted himself up onto the counter as Sehun turned on the stove. Sehun tossed him a look of disapproval while Lu Han beamed at him innocently. He helped Sehun peel the skin off the garlic cloves while Sehun started heating up the tomato sauce. Sehun was still avoiding looking at him and it was starting to worry Lu Han. He stopped what he was doing and nudged Sehun, who finally looked up at him.
"Sehun, what are you afraid of?" Lu Han asked, not even going to try to pretend that he didn't know what was going on.
Sehun resumed his dicing. "I'm not afraid of anything."
Lu Han silently watched Sehun sweep up the minced garlic and tossed it into the simmering tomato sauce with a swift, practiced hand. Finally, he spoke. "Well, I'm afraid of a lot of things. I'm afraid that I'm going to miss you so much that I'm willing to give up going to school because of it. I'm afraid that what I'll learn in culinary school isn't how to get better at cooking, but that the people who laid me off were right. That I will never be good enough for the kitchen and no amount of schooling is going to change that. I'm afraid that I owe you too much that I will never be able to repay you for everything you've done for me. I'm afraid that I will never be good enough for you. I'm afraid that when I'm gone, you're going to forget about me-"
"Stop," Sehun said, sounding pained. Slowly, he laid his knife down on the cutting board and turned to look at Lu Han. "I am afraid that you're not going to come back. I'm afraid that you don't realize just how good you really are and when you do, it means that I have to say good bye. I'm afraid that you're going to get your certification and then you're going to go back home to China because you miss it, because you never thought of Korea as your home, not really. I'm afraid that if I said that I think you belong with me, you're going to say that I'm wrong."
Lu Han swallowed the lump in his throat and inched closer to Sehun, resting his chin on his shoulder. "You're not wrong," he said.
---
The CIA was fucking hard, but Lu Han had not expected it to be any other way. It was the premier institution to train chefs from all around the world and what was Lu Han but a small prawn in an ocean of big fish. But he worked hard. And he missed everybody, but most of all, Sehun. He missed him more than he thought was physically possible, a constant ache in his heart.
But it wasn't all work. Lu Han was good at making friends, he'd always has been, and even if he didn't always understand the language that the student standing at the station next to him spoke or the English was too advanced for him, he figured a cup of coffee was the universal language for "let's be awesome friends."
And he wasn't completely deprived of Sehun.
Like when Sehun visited him in the States and they took the train down to New York City and spent an entire day there, eating their way through the city and doing embarrassing touristy things. Lu Han wore a fanny pack that day ("Check out all these compartments," he gushed), which Sehun demanded that he take off.
"Kinky," Lu Han said, wiggling his eyebrows at him.
"No, seriously, this is too embarrassing," Sehun begged to no avail.
Or like during the first Christmas when Lu Han surprised Sehun by coming home early without telling him and letting himself into Sehun's apartment, waiting naked under the covers of their bed until Sehun got home from work. Sehun was really surprised.
"I think I need to take a day off tomorrow," Sehun groaned afterwards, rolling over onto his stomach in exhaustion.
"Ooooh," Lu Han said, sweeping his sweat-soaked bangs away from his face and reattaching himself around Sehun's body.
"So that I can recover from today," Sehun added pointedly.
"Oh," Lu Han said, disappointed. "Well," he continued, mouthing a path along the nape of Sehun's neck, licking and sucking at the skin, feeling Sehun shudder underneath him. "We'll see about that."
---
And when Lu Han came back after two years, older but wiser, Sehun was waiting for him at the airport as he always had.
"I have a present for you," Sehun said.
"For me?" said Lu Han.
Sehun moved his arms from behind his back and handed him a package wrapped in brown paper. Lu Han untied the ribbon that held it together and pulled away the edges slowly. He gasped.
It was a chef's tunic. His name was neatly stitched in Hanja on the left breast. He traced his fingers over the characters, mesmerized by each line and stroke. It took him more than two years, two years away from Sehun, two years of blood, some of it his own, sweat, and tears to earn this back.
But most of all, it represented that life happens in the most unexpected of ways. Lu Han just needed to learn to enjoy the ride.
Pairing: Sehun/Lu Han
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Lu Han was not in a good place when he first came to Korea. Basically cooking, cooking from Lu Han's POV
7300w.
A/N: title taken from Nell's last album XD. So, so many thanks to niyaowo, sunbites, and pillowfrost for constantly cheering me on. This is for them ;~~~~~~;
Lu Han was not in a good place when he first came to Korea. He was so full of bitterness and discouraged by the turn of events in his life that in addition to making Lu Han take intensive Korean language courses, Kris also manhandled him into anger management class.
"I can't have you butting heads with the head chef," Kris said, trying to drag Lu Han into the classroom while Lu Han clung stubbornly to the door frame. "Suho would have a heart attack."
"Me? Anger management classes?" Lu Han said incredulously. "But I'm as harmless as a deer."
"A very angry deer, with antlers and a powerful back kick," Kris said darkly.
It was true, Lu Han had to grudgingly admit. He'd already broken three of Kris' appliances and several of his dishes in the first week that he had crashed in Kris' place. He wasn't sure how that happened.
But in truth, he was really grateful to Kris for giving him this opportunity to rebuild his life and he felt really bad about all the stuff he destroyed in his blind rage. He tried to repay Kris for them and for the Korean language courses and for the anger management classes and for the plane tickets and for room and board with the little bit of savings he had left, but Kris waved it away.
"Your ass is mine for the next couple of years," Kris said with a predatory grin.
Lu Han gulped.
---
The first time Lu Han saw EXO's kitchen, he had to swallow down his gasp of awe. It was miles of stainless steel, completely spotless to the point that even his professional eye couldn't find a single stain on any surface. It was everything that he wanted his dream kitchen to be, but he didn't want to be there. It was a reminder of everything he had lost.
It was at rest, because Kris had told him to come in on Wednesday morning, their slowest time of the week, to be introduced to the rest of the staff. Everyone was gathered around the large island in the middle of the kitchen, glancing curiously at him, except for Sehun, who glared unceasingly at him. He stood away from everyone else, leaning against the soup station, the giant soup pot next to him like it was his only companion.
"Alright, kids, this is your new manager, Lu Han," Suho introduced, patting Lu Han on the shoulder. "I want you all to make him feel welcome." He punctuated this with a pointed look at Sehun, who stared disdainfully back at him.
"Hi, I'm Lu Han," Lu Han said, mustering a smile.
"Hi, Lu Han," came the chorus of voices.
Lu Han went around, finding out everyone's names individually. He learned that Baekhyun was the sous chef and had been with the restaurant since it first opened. He learned that Chanyeol was the pastry chef and also Baekhyun's...something or other.
"Yeah, we're still trying to figure that out ourselves," Chanyeol said, grinning at Baekhyun, who rolled his eyes at him, but he was smiling just as widely. Lu Han wasn't sure they even noticed him inching away, but that was alright because the next person he came upon was-
"Oh my god, my brethren!" Lu Han said excitedly in Chinese, gripping Yixing by the shoulders like they really were long lost brothers. Yixing was bearing this with staid aplomb, dimpling at him with a shy smile. Lu Han was not afraid to admit that he cried like a little baby into his pillow every night for the first month that he was in Korea, throbbing head filled with foreign sounds and gurgling stomach full of foreign food. He missed China and his apartment with the grandmother next door who always knew where the best deals in produce were and was willing to cough up the information in exchange for a dim sum date every Sunday morning. Everything was different in Korea, but it wasn't so different that there weren't little reminders of home, like Yixing and his Mandarin, tinged with the slightest Changsha accent.
He made his way through the rest of the staff, chatting briefly with each of them, before looking around to see where Sehun might be, so he could introduce himself. He didn't have to look far, Sehun descending upon him.
"There are some ground rules in my kitchen," was the first thing out of his mouth.
Kris had already sufficiently warned Lu Han about Chef Sehun, so he was not caught by surprise by Sehun's brusqueness. But he was taken aback by how young he really was. The countless magazines and culinary blogs that he'd been featured in and talked about always mentioned Sehun's age and what a prodigy he was, but the scope of what that meant didn't hit Lu Han until that moment when he saw Sehun standing before him, his fists clenched, like he was a little kid having a temper tantrum. He was a little kid having a temper tantrum.
"Sure," Lu Han said. "Go ahead." He hoped he didn't sound too condescending.
Lu Han could see Sehun taking a deep breath, like he was puffing himself up to full, intimidating height. It was actually kind of cute. "My kitchen, my rules. That is all."
---
The first day of work was miserable. Lu Han made it through with what he managed to piece together by what he already knew and what he guessed by context, but Kai and Kyungsoo had to swoop in and save him every time he had trouble communicating with the customers.
"It'll get better," Kai tried to reassure him while Kyungsoo flashed him an encouraging smile. Lu Han didn't have the heart to return it.
Every night for the next three months, Lu Han would hang his suit up in the closet of his room, smoothing down any wrinkles, before sitting down at the table in Kris' kitchen, Korean practice books and a dictionary laid before him. He would study and mouth each phrase and sentence, each grammar rule, repeatedly under his breath until around three in the morning, when he would hear, without fail, Kris shuffling from his room to the bathroom to pee. That was his cue to get some sleep before the day began again.
The anger never went away, the grinding ache of injustice at why he had to learn a new language in the first place, exiled from his motherland and from the kitchen, because people had deemed him inadequate.
The first time Sehun yelled at him, Lu Han had to employ every method he had learned from anger management class to swallow the fury that rose from his throat, thick, black, and suffocating. It was only when he got to ten and took a deep, cleansing breath that he felt he was able to speak. "Okay, I'll tell the rest of the waiters."
He had to remind himself that this should be nothing compared to the long line of indignities he'd already had to endure.
It didn't make it hurt any less.
---
Lu Han looked at his latest bank account statement and sighed. It was a deep pay cut that he took when he agreed to become a restaurant manager, having been accustomed to head chef salary. By the time he saved enough money for culinary school, it'll be time to retire. He'd have to hobble around the kitchen with a bad arthritic leg and a cane. He saw his life flash by in a montage of chefs passing him one by one, moving forward, getting younger and younger while he got older and older until all that was left of him was a bent, resentful, empty husk of an old man who yelled at people to get off his property.
"You okay there?" Kris asked, pulling Lu Han out of his thoughts. "Your face was contorting in ways that was kind of concerning."
"I'm fine." Lu Han shook his head with a reassuring smile and slipped the bank statement back into the envelope it came in. "You hungry?"
Kris, who had returned his attention back to the TV, turned back around on the couch to look at him. "You're cooking?"
Lu Han couldn't blame Kris for being surprised. The first thing Lu Han did when he arrived in Korea and Kris brought him back to his apartment was fling himself onto Kris' couch and wailed very dramatically that he will never cook again. "Yeah, I know, but I have to keep it up, don't I?" Lu Han said. "Let's also invite Yixing and Tao."
Kris stared at him for a beat longer and then broke into a small grin. "Sounds good."
Yixing accepted the invitation, but Tao had a poetry writing night class and couldn't make it.
Lu Han raised an inquiring eyebrow at Kris.
"His sonnets are really quite good," Kris insisted.
Yixing came bearing a bottle of 1988 vintage wine.
"This wine is older than all of us," Kris said appreciatively, pouring each of them a glass.
By this time, the pulled pork and kimchi was done and the watercress soup was simmering on the stove, ready to be served. They sat down to eat.
"Why didn't you tell me you were secretly a chef?" Yixing asked Lu Han when it was revealed to him who had prepared the soup that made him wanted to weep in nostalgia for the soups his mother used to make for him.
"I am a restaurant manager by day, chef by night," Lu Han said. "In short, I am actually Batman." He added, "Don't tell anyone about this, though."
Kris noisily slurped up the rest of his bowl of soup before speaking. "I would've given Lu Han a position in the kitchen if one had been open." He tightened his grip around the spoon in his hand and frowned. "I feel like I'm complicit in denying him his career."
"Kris," Lu Han murmured, staring down at his napkin, which had been shredded to strips by his fidgeting hands. Ever since he had been laid off, he had asked himself over and over again why he wanted to cook because along the way, he had found himself losing sight of it. Today, watching his friends enjoy what he had made, still believing in him despite everything, the answer came back to Lu Han. He cleared his throat.
"So," he said, "who wants seconds?"
After, the conversation continued to flow freely, much like the wine. Lu Han found out that Yixing had also been recruited by Kris when EXO first opened its doors a little more than a year ago.
"At that time, neither Suho nor I knew anything about the restaurant business," Kris explained. "Suho had just gotten his hands on his trust fund and wanted to do something with it, but didn't know what, so one of his friends suggested that he should open a restaurant. He came to the bank I was working in to apply for a loan and I became his financial consultant. I did such a good job keeping his finances organized, he asked me to come on board as co-owner."
"Your ego. I'm so glad I'm mildly drunk for this," Lu Han teased lightly. "Well, what about Sehun? How did you find him?"
Kris poured himself another glass of wine. Lu Han suspected he needed it. "He came in one day without having submitted an application beforehand. I wasn't aware of who he was at the time and Suho kept his fanboying to a minimum until after Sehun left, so I took one look at him and told him that all the waiter positions have been filled. He glared at me and told me that he's interviewing for head chef and handed me his CV. I couldn't believe my ears and I said, "You're seventeen years old. What makes you think you're qualified to be head chef?" You know what he said?"" Kris stopped and took a gulp of wine. "The punk said, "Give me a pan and I'll show you.""
"What did he make?" asked Lu Han.
"Something with beef in it, I don't remember, but it was really good," Kris said vaguely, earning him noises of outrage from Lu Han and Yixing.
Kris continued. "When I called Sehun to tell him that he got the job, he didn't say anything for a minute. It was so quiet that I thought the line went dead, then he said, "Thank you for not mentioning my father" and hung up. I found out later that he had rejected three other restaurants because that was the first thing the owners wanted to discuss."
Lu Han twirled the stem of his empty wineglass between his fingers, thinking about what he had heard. In many ways, Sehun, who was the embodiment of everything that Lu Han was trying so hard to achieve, was really not so different from him after all. He was trying to prove himself, just like what Lu Han was doing.
"To be honest, he's really not as scary as he thinks he is," Yixing said thoughtfully. "One time, I screwed up real bad. I'd rather not talk about it. I thought for sure that he was going to fire me. At the hospital, he just stood by my bed, shuffled his feet a little, and said, "I'll see you next week" before he left."
This was a lot of food for thought, Lu Han thought. Pun intended. He cleared his throat again. "So, who wants thirds?"
"Just how much food did you make?" Yixing asked.
---
Lu Han skipped merrily to work the next day. He felt rejuvenated after the dinner last night. Preparing a meal for his friends and enjoying it with them reminded Lu Han that there were simpler joys to this profession and that at the very least, he could still have that. No one could take that away from him.
"Someone got some last night?" Jongdae remarked, waggling his eyebrows.
Lu Han laughed. "I wish."
At around three in the afternoon, right before dinner prep began, Yixing called Lu Han over after Lu Han had finished consulting with Sehun and Baekhyun about the specials for the day, which basically consisted of Sehun making various grunting noises like a Neanderthal and Baekhyun translating them for Lu Han.
"Hey, watch the soups for me. I have to pee really bad," Yixing said when Lu Han got to him. He handed Lu Han the ladle. "Also, let me know what you think." He made a bee line for the restroom before Lu Han could say anything. He stared at the four pots simmering on the stove before trying one of them.
Lu Han took a sip and mmmm, that really hit the spot. The pot that Lu Han had tasted was smoked sausage and chicken soup and it was thick and savory, but a little salty. Lu Han glanced around him and when he was sure that no one was looking, threw a cup of water in there. He paused and added some more thyme and, crushing some parsley, tossed it in there as well.
Shortly after, Yixing popped back beside Lu Han. "Alright, I'm back. So, what do you think?"
Lu Han tried the other three soups. "Good, good, good, and really good," he said, nodding. "The sausage and chicken is my favorite."
Yixing looked pleased and it suddenly occurred to Lu Han that Yixing's intentions this whole time had been to seek his approval. For a moment, Lu Han could pretend that he was back in his old kitchen, still in command of it. Lu Han felt an overwhelming wave of gratitude towards Yixing for granting him the privilege of being acknowledged as a chef again.
"Uh, okay, let me know if you need anything else," Lu Han said, trying not to wibble. Yixing gave him a quick thumbs up before turning his attention back to the pots.
Later that evening, Lu Han was reviewing all the current open orders on the computer in the kitchen when he spotted Sehun at Yixing's soup station. He creeped inconspicuously closer to hear what they were saying, keeping behind Sehun and a slightly baffled Minseok sandwiched in between so he wouldn't be spotted.
"This was really popular tonight," he heard Sehun say while pointing to the sausage and chicken pot. "I'm going to make it soup of the day tomorrow."
Lu Han quickly scooted back to where he was originally so it wouldn't look like he was eavesdropping when Sehun walked away. Yixing spotted him anyway and upon tasting the soup again, motioned to Lu Han, pointing to the pot with a questioning glance.
Lu Han raised his arms to clasped his hands together above his head. He wiggled his body a little. Then he balled one of his hands into a fist and made a crumbling motion. He stopped and looked at Yixing.
Yixing looked blankly at him for a second, to the point where Lu Han was starting to feel stupid about what he just did, when a light went off Yixing's head. "Parsley," he mouthed to Lu Han.
Lu Han grinned and they air fived each other. Lu Han was turning to head back out of the kitchen when he caught Sehun giving him the Eyebrow of Judgment from his own station across the room. Much later, when Sehun asked him about what the hell he was doing, Lu Han had to explain to him that he was trying to imitate a leaf.
"Oh. Ohhhhhh," Sehun said, understanding. "You know, the whole time I thought it was an intricate mating dance and I got really jealous."
"Lord help me, but you're an idiot," Lu Han said fondly, not for the first time, nor the last time. "Not to mention I would not want you as my partner in charades."
Kai popped his head up from under the bar counter where he had been unpacking bottles of vodka. "After listening to this conversation, I have determined that all three of you are idiots. It's like you all share one big stupid brain. Now, who wants a drink because I know I need one, being around so much stupid."
"I'll drink to that," Kyungsoo said, raising his glass.
Lu Han would be more offended if it wasn't actually true. (Unfortunately, it was.)
---
The best and worst thing about working at EXO was when Sehun was inspired by an idea for next week's theme ingredient. During those first few months, Lu Han found himself learning and expanding what he knew about cooking, which had started to stagnate after he was laid off. He secretly took notes on a small notebook he kept beside the one he took orders on. He himself was inspired by Sehun's tireless pursuit for new and interesting dishes, and the most important lesson he took away was that the possibilities were indeed limitless.
The worst thing was the demands and expectations Sehun had for the rest of the staff when that happened. Twenty-five pounds of Sevruga caviar had to be ordered now, cost and availability be damned. Lu Han lost count of all the hours spent on Google and on the phone negotiating fees with wholesale distributors long into the night because of Sehun's whims. He eventually had to pick up English because of all the talking he had to do with foreign distributors, trying to get them to ship their goods halfway around the world at half the price and twice the speed.
During working hours, Lu Han would cringe at the trail of dirty pans, bowls, knives and other instruments that Sehun leaves behind in the mad frenzy of his cooking. He himself preferred to be more organized and methodical about it because he knew someone had to be responsible for cleaning that shit up afterwards.
Lu Han knew the cook who took care of the dishes back at his old restaurant. She was a Chinese-American expat and her name was Amber. She was a tough and efficient worker, and she eventually became his sous chef.
He shot Tao a sympathetic look. Tao caught him looking and shrugged sheepishly before turning back to the sink to begin the next stack of dishes. The way he did it reminded Lu Han very much of Amber.
Lu Han turned to look at Sehun, who was taste-testing an asparagus from an order that Baekhyun had just completed, his lips tilting up slightly before he pushed it back down into a frown and dismissed Baekhyun with an indifferent wave of his hand. Neither Baekhyun nor Lu Han missed it though. Baekhyun grinned and gave Sehun a quick pat on his behind before running to place his plate on the serving counter.
Sehun's scowl grew deeper. "That's a health code violation," Lu Han heard him say before Sehun turned back to his own workstation.
Maybe it wasn't so terrible being here.
---
The first time Lu Han stayed with Sehun to clean up the kitchen was unintentional. Sehun had demanded that only landlocked salmon from the lakes of Maine will work for next week's theme ingredient, so Lu Han waited until midnight before making the call to account for the time difference.
Fortunately, this time the order went through smoothly and he was able to wrap up the call within fifteen minutes. He hung up the phone, patted himself on the back for a job well done, and exited Kris' office.
The staff had started to leave around the same time he had sat down to make the call, so by the time he came out of the office, everyone was gone. The main dining hall looked surreal when it was devoid of the usual hustle and bustle of people, as if Lu Han was the sole survivor of a zombie apocalypse.
He heard the soft swish of movement in the kitchen and he drifted towards it, pushing open the swinging doors.
Sehun was mopping the floor, his back to Lu Han, but he turned when he heard Lu Han come in. He was slightly startled by Lu Han's presence, Lu Han being able to tell only by the almost imperceptible widening of Sehun's eyes before he quickly turned away from him.
"The salmon will be here in two days," Lu Han informed him, his voice coming out soft. The quiet solitude of the empty restaurant seemed to demand it.
Sehun nodded and muttered something under his breath that sounded like a thank you. Sehun-speak was probably the most difficult of the three languages that he had to learn since he started working at EXO, but Lu Han thought he was getting better at it. Baekhyun even said so.
Lu Han saw the stack of dishes leaning high and precariously in the sink and instinctively moved towards it, rolling up his sleeves, to start cleaning them. He'd done his fair share of dish washing duty when he had first started out, still wet behind the ears, and forever after, nothing ever gave him a full body twitch more than the sight of dirty dishes. Not even Sehun's awesome blowjobs and clever fingers.
"You don't have to do that," he heard Sehun say behind him, sounding harassed that someone was trying to make his life easier. Lu Han rolled his eyes in exasperation, not even caring anymore if Sehun could see him doing it.
It became a routine for Lu Han, completing his own tasks before bounding into the kitchen to help Sehun clean up. At first, Sehun tried to fight him on it, but gradually resigned himself to having his space invaded by Lu Han. Lu Han knew he tended to have that kind of effect on people, wearing them down like the elements turning rock to sand. He was not at all apologetic about it. He found that he enjoyed Sehun's stoic and sometimes abrupt, but always endearing, company, despite himself. He would try to gently test the limits of Sehun's boundaries, but quickly retreat when he saw that Sehun was getting uncomfortable, his ultimate goal always to try to coax a smile out of Sehun. He wasn't sure if it was for his own sake or Sehun's.
The day had been cold, a product of Korea's unforgiving winter, when Lu Han commuted to work that morning, so he was delaying leaving the warmth of the kitchen and Sehun's company that night by regaling him with stories, mostly ones about Kyungsoo because, well, nothing brought people at EXO together like making fun of Kyungsoo.
He was feeling loose and languid from warmth of the restaurant and something else, completely relaxed for the first time since he came to Korea, when he leaned in, Sehun's face close enough that he could see each individual lash of his eyes and he caught himself wondering if Sehun had ever let anyone else in this close before.
Then Sehun licked his lips and Lu Han's heart skipped a beat. His stomach clenched, from the dawning dread of what that meant, colliding emotions merging together into something that felt like pain more than anything else, because he had been given yet another thing that he could not have.
He had the leave, the warmth now turning oppressive. He jerked back, feeling like something had been severed and it hurt.
"I, um, just remembered I needed to do something," Lu Han said with difficulty. "I'm sorry I can't stay. I'll see you tomorrow-I mean today. Later on today."
The sharp, bitter cold when he fled outside cleared his mind a little, but he still turned back, every atom in his body wanting to stay and go back in. He saw Sehun standing alone and small in front of the kitchen doors at the back of the restaurant, both too far out of his reach.
---
Lu Han avoided the kitchen for the next few days. It wasn't where he belonged anyway, not anymore, and he had deluded himself in thinking that he had a place in it.
It wasn't until a week later that he saw Minseok approaching him with a harried look on his face. Chefs rarely ever leave the kitchen in the middle of service, especially in the state that Minseok was in, so Lu Han knew something was wrong.
"What is it?" Lu Han asked when their paths intersected.
"Sehun is going on a rampage again," Minseok whispered close to his ear to avoid alarming the diners near them. "You better do something."
"Me?" Lu Han said, baffled. "Why me?"
Minseok shot him an impatient look and hurried back to the kitchen without another word, like he was expecting Lu Han to follow. He had no choice but to do so.
He found the kitchen in a state of deadly silence and everyone turned to look at him when he came in, except for Sehun who was standing in the middle of the kitchen, gripping the handle of a sizzling pan of pork chops and glaring at Tao. "I can shit out something better than this," Sehun was saying, his voice even and emotionless, like he was as empty inside as Lu Han was feeling. Tao spared a quick pleading glance at Lu Han before lowering his gaze back down to the floor.
Lu Han strode over as swiftly as he could. "Sehun, could I see you for a moment?" he said, taking the pan out of Sehun's hand and placing it down on the stovetop. He took a hold of Sehun's arm and started dragging him into the pantry, Sehun and everyone else probably too startled to stop him. Lu Han shoved Sehun in there, locked the door, and turned to him. His disappointment in Sehun caused him more heartache than his affection for Sehun, his desire, which to his shame, never wavered.
"Why are you being such an asshole?" He said. "I mean, more than usual?" He added meanly, angry at Sehun and at himself.
He saw Sehun take a step back like he had taken a physical blow and he quickly regretted what he said. He was going to apologize when Sehun closed himself off, his face set like granite once again. "You don't know anything about me," Sehun hissed. "Now get the fuck out of my way."
This was true, too true and the knowledge burned him more than it should. He had no right to tell Sehun what to do. What was he but a second rate chef? But that didn't mean Sehun wasn't also a spoiled little kid, who still had a lot of growing up to do despite his achievements, but who also looked lost and hurt and always so miserable.
Before Lu Han could stop himself, he blurted out, "Sometimes I really just want to punch you in the face. You're so brilliant but you could be so much more if you actually enjoy what you're doing, but you're miserable and you take it out on other people and I just-." He was on a slippery slope and if he continued, he was going down a path where it would end in nothing but hurt for him.
Sehun's voice sounded splintered when he spoke. "Why should you care?"
It was then that Lu Han looked at Sehun with new eyes. "You think I don't care," he said wonderingly, the realization dawning on him that maybe, maybe Sehun wanted him to. He held his breath, not daring to hope.
Sehun stared back, eyes slowly widening. "Lu Han," he said. It sounded like a plea.
"Yes," Lu Han said, letting out an exhale of great relief and exhilaration bubbling deep inside him. Yes.
Lu Han staggered back from the force of Sehun's body, but the momentum of his own desire drove him forward and he kissed Sehun back with the desperation of a starved animal. He grabbed fistfuls of Sehun's tunic and held on, afraid that Sehun was going to change his mind and go away. But Sehun only groaned into his mouth and pressed in, kissing him deeper until Lu Han had no more doubt in his mind.
---
Lu Han was twenty-two years old, totally having a quarter life crisis, and yet, his life was perfect.
Except it wasn't always perfect because Sehun tended to have the emotional availability of a cockroach and that was being very generous. And he was always so busy. But then he would look at Lu Han with eyes full of adoration and lean into Lu Han's touches like he was helpless for them, and Lu Han would think that being laid off, bearing the shame of exile and inadequacy, everything that he had suffered up to now, was worth it because it had brought him to Sehun.
---
"So," Kris said idly, some time later. "You and Sehun, huh?"
"Oh my god!" exclaimed Lu Han. "I totally forgot to tell you."
'Yes, thank you for that," Kris said dryly. "One of your oldest and dearest friends in the whole world and you forget to tell me that you've been fraternizing with the head chef."
"You make it sound so dirty," Lu Han remarked. He grinned. "I like it."
Kris didn't return his smile as he studied Lu Han thoughtfully. "Have you told him what you really are yet?" He asked.
'What, that I'm actually a billionaire, philanthropist playboy masquerading as a crime fighting hero?" Lu Han said.
"I knew I shouldn't have let you watch The Avengers last night," Kris grumbled.
Lu Han looked down at his hands, suddenly really interested in the scar on his index finger, so he wouldn't have to look at Kris. "No, I haven't."
Kris didn't say anything for a moment. It was so quiet that Lu Han could hear the clock ticking on the TV stand. Finally Kris spoke. "If there is one thing I've learned since getting into this restaurant business, it's that no kitchen will ever be big enough for the egos of two head chefs. There's barely enough room as it is for one at EXO," he said. "Especially someone like Sehun who has never had it difficult his entire life."
Lu Han was quick to defend. "That's not true-"
"You know what I mean," Kris said, looking hard at Lu Han.
Lu Han knew what he meant. Sehun had started working as soon as he was able to waddle, yes, because it was his birthright. But he'd never had everything taken away from him before like it had for Lu Han, fallen from grace in the blink of an eye. It had been a debilitating experience for Lu Han, and it humbled him. "Why do I have to-," he began, then stopped. It wasn't like it was going to change anything if he told Sehun. What Kris said was true, which meant that it was probably better not to say anything to Sehun at all. And it wasn't like Lu Han was a challenge to Sehun anyway. Culinary school was still a long time away and by that point, who knows where they'll be and maybe - Lu Han swallowed hard at this - Sehun would've moved on, realizing that Lu Han really wasn't worth his attention.
"You should tell him," Kris said, his voice softer now. "So he wouldn't find out later from somewhere else."
---
Sehun found out, because as usual, Lu Han was an idiot.
Lu Han had been so wrapped up in Sehun, had gotten so comfortable with him in his life, that he'd forgotten that there were still things about him that Sehun didn't know.
Sehun looked up at him with big, round eyes of hurt and betrayal. "But why didn't you ever tell me that you're a chef?"
This was when Lu Han knew he could never keep a secret from Sehun because he never wanted to be the one to put that look on his face again. Little did he know that he would be the only one who will ever have the power to do so.
---
Everyone at EXO teased them about it. Even being a scary ass head chef apparently did not exempt Sehun and Lu Han from being the target of their good-natured, but really annoying, jokes.
"Ah, in-law, how are you?" Suho took to greeting Kris whenever they were in Lu Han and Sehun's presence. "It's been a while since we've met for tea to strengthen our familial bonds, don't you think?"
"Indeed, in-law, indeed," Kris replied.
Sehun glowered and threatened to fire everyone. The waiters told him that he had no jurisdiction over them while the chefs cowered and quickly shut the hell up. Lu Han facepalmed.
Minseok tilted his head and glanced between the two of them. "You know, you guys look really alike, now that I think about it. If I didn't know any better, I'd think you guys were-"
"Yes," Sehun said, exasperated. "We know."
"Awesome," Baekhyun said to Chanyeol. "Now they can stop making fun of us!" They high fived each other, Baekhyun having to jump to reach Chanyeol's hand.
---
But at night, when Sehun was curled into him, asleep, his soft, steady breath in rhythm with the beat of Lu Han's heart, Lu Han knew that he was on borrowed time. He tightened his arms around Sehun and tried to hold for as long as he can.
---
Lu Han held the acceptance letter reverently in his hand, staring disbelievingly at the Culinary Institute of America letterhead, the symbol of all his hopes. He glanced up at Sehun, who looked expectant and thrilled and sad at the same time, and saw the same hopes reflected back at him.
"Stop wibbling at me," Sehun said, a teasing half-smile playing on his lips.
Lu Han clutched his trembling chin. "Shut up."
It sounded a lot more like "I love you."
---
Telling Kris that he had to resign as manager of EXO to go back to school was another matter. Lu Han's fist hovered over the closed door of Kris' office at EXO, stomach churning in anxiety, but most of all, the guilt was killing him. Kris had found him at the lowest point of his life, cleaned him up, and gave him a purpose in life when he had lost sight of it. And what if Kris insisted that he stayed? Lu Han knew that he would never do that, but Lu Han wasn't sure if his answer would be no if Kris did ask him to stay.
"Stop loitering behind the door and just come in," Lu Han heard Kris say, exasperation clear through the muffle.
Lu Han pushed the door open. "How'd you know I was there?" He asked, incredulous.
"I'm all-knowing," Kris said, looking up at Lu Han once he had finished typing up the poster of specials for next week on the computer on his desk. "What's up? Oh, and have a seat."
Lu Han sat, but didn't say anything. He didn't know what to say, or how to begin. It felt like he was at the edge of a precipice, because he knew that once he tells Kris, there was no turning back after that.
"Your face is contorting again," Kris said, leaning forward in his chair to get a better look at Lu Han. "Is everything okay?"
Lu Han shook his head and suddenly blurted out, "Sehun got me into the CIA and I have to leave in, like, two months to go back to school and I'm really sorry that I can't finish out the full tenure of my indentured servitude, but I can totally help you train the next manager you're going to hire and I'm really grateful for everything that you've done for me, believe me, and I feel horrible-"
Kris held up a hand. "Okay, stop," he ordered. Lu Han clamped his mouth shut. Kris paused for a moment and then he said, "Lu Han, are we not bros?"
"The broest of bros," Lu Han answered, timidly.
"Well, bros don't hold bros back from pursuing dreams. That's like the first rule of the bro book," Kris said. "Look, I already found out that you have been accepted to the CIA, naturally not from you again, and I'm really happy for you, Lu Han, really."
Lu Han's heart swelled. So did tears in his eyes.
Kris continued, "But hey, that doesn't mean you're not still indentured to me." He pulled out the top drawer of his desk and took out a notebook. He flipped it open and started adding figures. "This just means that your ass is mine for a couple of more years, give and take a month or so. According to my calculations, your ass is fucked forever."
Lu Han found himself not quite minding that.
---
Sehun was quiet all night while they each tended to their chores. It was only after they were done with everything that Sehun turned to Lu Han and asked, "Are you hungry?"
Lu Han nodded and hoisted himself up onto the counter as Sehun turned on the stove. Sehun tossed him a look of disapproval while Lu Han beamed at him innocently. He helped Sehun peel the skin off the garlic cloves while Sehun started heating up the tomato sauce. Sehun was still avoiding looking at him and it was starting to worry Lu Han. He stopped what he was doing and nudged Sehun, who finally looked up at him.
"Sehun, what are you afraid of?" Lu Han asked, not even going to try to pretend that he didn't know what was going on.
Sehun resumed his dicing. "I'm not afraid of anything."
Lu Han silently watched Sehun sweep up the minced garlic and tossed it into the simmering tomato sauce with a swift, practiced hand. Finally, he spoke. "Well, I'm afraid of a lot of things. I'm afraid that I'm going to miss you so much that I'm willing to give up going to school because of it. I'm afraid that what I'll learn in culinary school isn't how to get better at cooking, but that the people who laid me off were right. That I will never be good enough for the kitchen and no amount of schooling is going to change that. I'm afraid that I owe you too much that I will never be able to repay you for everything you've done for me. I'm afraid that I will never be good enough for you. I'm afraid that when I'm gone, you're going to forget about me-"
"Stop," Sehun said, sounding pained. Slowly, he laid his knife down on the cutting board and turned to look at Lu Han. "I am afraid that you're not going to come back. I'm afraid that you don't realize just how good you really are and when you do, it means that I have to say good bye. I'm afraid that you're going to get your certification and then you're going to go back home to China because you miss it, because you never thought of Korea as your home, not really. I'm afraid that if I said that I think you belong with me, you're going to say that I'm wrong."
Lu Han swallowed the lump in his throat and inched closer to Sehun, resting his chin on his shoulder. "You're not wrong," he said.
---
The CIA was fucking hard, but Lu Han had not expected it to be any other way. It was the premier institution to train chefs from all around the world and what was Lu Han but a small prawn in an ocean of big fish. But he worked hard. And he missed everybody, but most of all, Sehun. He missed him more than he thought was physically possible, a constant ache in his heart.
But it wasn't all work. Lu Han was good at making friends, he'd always has been, and even if he didn't always understand the language that the student standing at the station next to him spoke or the English was too advanced for him, he figured a cup of coffee was the universal language for "let's be awesome friends."
And he wasn't completely deprived of Sehun.
Like when Sehun visited him in the States and they took the train down to New York City and spent an entire day there, eating their way through the city and doing embarrassing touristy things. Lu Han wore a fanny pack that day ("Check out all these compartments," he gushed), which Sehun demanded that he take off.
"Kinky," Lu Han said, wiggling his eyebrows at him.
"No, seriously, this is too embarrassing," Sehun begged to no avail.
Or like during the first Christmas when Lu Han surprised Sehun by coming home early without telling him and letting himself into Sehun's apartment, waiting naked under the covers of their bed until Sehun got home from work. Sehun was really surprised.
"I think I need to take a day off tomorrow," Sehun groaned afterwards, rolling over onto his stomach in exhaustion.
"Ooooh," Lu Han said, sweeping his sweat-soaked bangs away from his face and reattaching himself around Sehun's body.
"So that I can recover from today," Sehun added pointedly.
"Oh," Lu Han said, disappointed. "Well," he continued, mouthing a path along the nape of Sehun's neck, licking and sucking at the skin, feeling Sehun shudder underneath him. "We'll see about that."
---
And when Lu Han came back after two years, older but wiser, Sehun was waiting for him at the airport as he always had.
"I have a present for you," Sehun said.
"For me?" said Lu Han.
Sehun moved his arms from behind his back and handed him a package wrapped in brown paper. Lu Han untied the ribbon that held it together and pulled away the edges slowly. He gasped.
It was a chef's tunic. His name was neatly stitched in Hanja on the left breast. He traced his fingers over the characters, mesmerized by each line and stroke. It took him more than two years, two years away from Sehun, two years of blood, some of it his own, sweat, and tears to earn this back.
But most of all, it represented that life happens in the most unexpected of ways. Lu Han just needed to learn to enjoy the ride.