Fic: Nothing Like the Real Thing (SGA, John/Rodney PG-13)
Title: Nothing Like the Real Thing
Fandom: SGA
Pairing: John/Rodney (not quite first time)
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Not mine, nor am I making any profit off of this.
Summary: Guys' night out always leads to talking about kinky shit, right?
Notes: Credit for this one totally goes to something svilleficrecs said the other day. Set sometime between Childhood's End and The Storm in season one, but no real spoilers. Just a bit of fun.
Ford had called it Boy's Night Out, and John supposed he couldn't complain about the name. The Cathans had insisted that Teyla's 'men' sit vigil out here while she did some sort of bonding ritual with the women. Staring into the fire, he still wasn't sure if agreeing had been the right decision. Then again, the way Teyla's eyes had gleamed when he'd started to protest had shut him up real fast. Apparently the Cathans were related to the Athosians somehow, and he'd nearly put his foot in it good.
So here they were. In the middle of the woods with only watered-down coffee and each other to keep them awake all night, all in the quest for beans. John thought he might be a little more enthused about the whole thing if he actually liked beans.
"I wonder what they're doing in there," Ford muttered for the third time that evening.
John ignored him yet again, but Rodney snorted and said, "Probably something far kinkier than you could ever imagine."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Ford glared, but Rodney was too intent on his tablet to notice.
"Frankly, I could care less, unless it somehow involves me ending up on a decent mattress instead of the ground tonight," he said distractedly, long fingers arching in a complex spider over the interface. Rodney might be full of complaints, but he looked completely unaware of the fact that they were roughing it on an alien planet.
"I could too imagine something kinky," Ford said after a minute of silence.
John's eyebrows rose; apparently Rodney'd hit where it hurt if Ford was still stewing about it. He shook his head and took another sip of coffee.
"Oh, yes, Lieutenant. I'm sure your imagination wins awards for the depths of it's depravity." To John, it sounded like Rodney couldn't care less as long he could return to his work uninterrupted. Ford obviously took it differently.
"So what do you think they're doing that's so kinky, Doc? If your imagination's so superior and all."
Rodney opened his mouth, but John beat him to the punch. "Okay, guys," he warned gently. "Let's not forget that Teyla is our teammate. It's not nice to fantasize about your teammates." Out loud, John amended in his head as he avoided looking at Rodney. He wasn't big on hypocrisy, but he figured this was more along the lines of exploiting the loopholes to their fullest potential-something John considered an art form.
"Right, sir," Ford replied, soldier-smart.
That was the end of it for another five minutes. The red embers at the base of the flames had snared John's attention, drawing him in as surely as a hypnotist's watch, when Rodney sighed loudly.
"Out with it, Lieutenant. What's preying so heavily on your mind that I can practically hear it over here?" Rodney set his tablet to the side, which was enough to get John's full attention.
Ford just shrugged and stared into his cup. "I'm curious why you think you're so much better with that stuff. It's not like brains give you a special advantage or anything."
"Oh, how little you know," Rodney sing-songed.
"Fine. What's the kinkiest thing you've ever done?"
"I think you should answer that question first, Lieutenant, considering the fact you're the one who can't leave it alone."
Ford's eyes swung towards John's. "What about you, sir? I bet you've done some wild shit."
"Leave me out of this, Ford." John glared, and Ford turned his attention back on Rodney. Rank did have its privileges.
"Okay, fine." Ford fidgeted on his log, eyes flicking back and forth like he was about to confess to a priest. "You sure?"
"Oh, for Pete's sake," Rodney sighed.
Ford glanced at John yet again. "Go on," John encouraged. "I'm not going to give you any shit about it."
Ford leaned forward like he was trying to keep his secret from a crowd full of people. He was being awfully coy for a seasoned Marine, and John's own imagination was starting to run wild. Despite himself, he leaned forward as well, noticing Rodney doing the same thing on the opposite side of the camp.
"So I was with this one chick who was really, really on fire, you know? I couldn't keep up with her, and I'm talking all night long."
John nodded, somewhat wistfully. 'All night long' was pretty much a memory for him these days.
"So she took care of herself, if you know what I mean." Ford paused, his voice dropping to a whisper. "And then she licked her fingers."
The fire popped, sending a shower of sparks up into the blackness of the sky. Ford stayed quiet, and it didn't take long to Rodney to get restless.
"And?" he prompted.
"And what?" Ford asked, clearly puzzled.
Rodney snorted. John settled back into a comfortable position. "Are you sure you're twenty-five, Ford?"
The lieutenant still looked bewildered. "What? That's totally hot, man."
"Well, yes." John thought Rodney's eyes looked a little dreamy above his smirk. "But it's not kinky."
"It is, too!"
John snickered. Rodney grinned at him across the firelight.
"Oh, oh, I get you. It's pick on the grunt night. So tell me, Mr. Genius, what's the kinkiest thing you've done?"
"That's Doctor Genius," Rodney corrected automatically. He crossed his arms across his chest, chin tipped high, looking like he was caught between smug and defensive.
John couldn't tear his eyes away, suddenly realizing that Rodney was going to share something about his sex life that wasn't all bravado and bragging. He clutched his coffee cup in both hands, trying to look cool as Rodney built the suspense.
Rodney cleared his throat, and then let it spill. "Strap-on."
Fuck. Lukewarm coffee sloshed over his hands as his fingers twitched with the need to act out. John couldn't tell if the color on Rodney's cheeks was a sudden flush or the play of firelight, but the smug smile on his face spoke of a very good memory.
"Wait, what?" Ford asked, sounding completely bewildered.
Rodney dropped his arms, smile dropping with them as he rolled his eyes. "It's a dildo that goes into a harness for the woman to wear. So she can perform like a man. Do I need to draw you a diagram?"
"Dude." Ford looked over at John like he'd just had his mind blown. John could relate, though for a totally different reason. "So you're saying she--Dude."
"Mmm, yes. It was fantastic."
Ford laughed. "McKay, that's pretty gay."
John didn't wince. He'd heard it all before, but that didn't mean his gut didn't drop a bit with disappointment. Especially since Rodney was looking uncomfortable now.
"No, it is not gay. A sex act does not make one gay, Lieutenant." Rodney stopped, a frown creasing his forehead. "Well, it does if it's performed with another man, I guess, but this was with a woman, so--"
"Yeah, we get the point, McKay," John broke in. He was really tired of the guy-bonding portion of the evening now. "You're not gay."
"Could have fooled me," Ford muttered.
"I didn't say I wasn't gay," Rodney said with some exasperation. "Though obviously, I like women. But if you people are so hung up on gender that you're willing to pass up perfectly good sex, well, more for me, I suppose."
John stared, trying to untangle Rodney's logic. Either he had just confessed to being bi, or he really liked taking it up the ass from a woman. John rubbed at his ear, fighting the urge to ask for a clarification.
"Yeah, whatever." Ford rolled his eyes; John half-expected him to make a big W-sign. Or maybe L for loser. "If that's what you mean by kinky, I'll pass, man."
"Well it's not like I was offering," Rodney huffed.
John pulled out his deck of cards, deciding he'd had about all he could take. "So, poker? Go fish?"
Ford looked grateful. Rodney muttered something about his ass never being the same again. John chose to interpret that as commentary on the state of the campsite, and dealt the cards.
It was going to be a very long night.
********
Counting the previous day's up-time, the vigil, breakfast, a not-so-brief meeting to confirm Teyla's trade arrangements, and a quick debrief with Elizabeth, it wasn't just a long night. John was pretty sure he was coming up on forty hours straight, but his eyes were so gritty he couldn't get them to focus on his watch to check. Thirty-six at the very least. He'd been up long enough without the benefit of combat adrenaline that he was definitely in loopy territory.
Which was probably the reason John fell into step with Rodney as they left Elizabeth's office and followed him straight back to his quarters.
"Is there a problem?" Rodney finally asked. He swept his hand over the door sensor and then yawned, mangling the irritation out of his next words. "Because my bed is right there and I plan to be in it in thirty seconds."
John nodded amiably and followed Rodney right on in. True to his word, Rodney dropped straight onto his bed. John seriously thought Rodney was sleeping sitting up and with his eyes open, until he finally gathered enough energy to bend over and untie his shoes.
"Strap-on, huh?" Some part of John's brain sluggishly awoke, informing him that that opening was neither smooth nor smart.
Rodney lifted his head, blinking slowly like he was still processing the words. "What? You're asking about that now?"
John shrugged. "Just curious. You sounded like you were really into it."
Rodney turned back to his socks. "Yes, well. Not all of us are as repressed as the typical American male. Now can I go to sleep, please?"
"Sure." John backed towards the door, but the smart part of his brain had hit the snooze button. "It's just, I don't get the whole silicone deal. I've always found the real thing to be much more satisfying."
Rodney's head snapped up. His eyes were wide and awake, and they flicked down to John's crotch before jerking back up to his eyes.
John winked. "Pleasant dreams," he said, and fled.
Fandom: SGA
Pairing: John/Rodney (not quite first time)
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Not mine, nor am I making any profit off of this.
Summary: Guys' night out always leads to talking about kinky shit, right?
Notes: Credit for this one totally goes to something svilleficrecs said the other day. Set sometime between Childhood's End and The Storm in season one, but no real spoilers. Just a bit of fun.
Ford had called it Boy's Night Out, and John supposed he couldn't complain about the name. The Cathans had insisted that Teyla's 'men' sit vigil out here while she did some sort of bonding ritual with the women. Staring into the fire, he still wasn't sure if agreeing had been the right decision. Then again, the way Teyla's eyes had gleamed when he'd started to protest had shut him up real fast. Apparently the Cathans were related to the Athosians somehow, and he'd nearly put his foot in it good.
So here they were. In the middle of the woods with only watered-down coffee and each other to keep them awake all night, all in the quest for beans. John thought he might be a little more enthused about the whole thing if he actually liked beans.
"I wonder what they're doing in there," Ford muttered for the third time that evening.
John ignored him yet again, but Rodney snorted and said, "Probably something far kinkier than you could ever imagine."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Ford glared, but Rodney was too intent on his tablet to notice.
"Frankly, I could care less, unless it somehow involves me ending up on a decent mattress instead of the ground tonight," he said distractedly, long fingers arching in a complex spider over the interface. Rodney might be full of complaints, but he looked completely unaware of the fact that they were roughing it on an alien planet.
"I could too imagine something kinky," Ford said after a minute of silence.
John's eyebrows rose; apparently Rodney'd hit where it hurt if Ford was still stewing about it. He shook his head and took another sip of coffee.
"Oh, yes, Lieutenant. I'm sure your imagination wins awards for the depths of it's depravity." To John, it sounded like Rodney couldn't care less as long he could return to his work uninterrupted. Ford obviously took it differently.
"So what do you think they're doing that's so kinky, Doc? If your imagination's so superior and all."
Rodney opened his mouth, but John beat him to the punch. "Okay, guys," he warned gently. "Let's not forget that Teyla is our teammate. It's not nice to fantasize about your teammates." Out loud, John amended in his head as he avoided looking at Rodney. He wasn't big on hypocrisy, but he figured this was more along the lines of exploiting the loopholes to their fullest potential-something John considered an art form.
"Right, sir," Ford replied, soldier-smart.
That was the end of it for another five minutes. The red embers at the base of the flames had snared John's attention, drawing him in as surely as a hypnotist's watch, when Rodney sighed loudly.
"Out with it, Lieutenant. What's preying so heavily on your mind that I can practically hear it over here?" Rodney set his tablet to the side, which was enough to get John's full attention.
Ford just shrugged and stared into his cup. "I'm curious why you think you're so much better with that stuff. It's not like brains give you a special advantage or anything."
"Oh, how little you know," Rodney sing-songed.
"Fine. What's the kinkiest thing you've ever done?"
"I think you should answer that question first, Lieutenant, considering the fact you're the one who can't leave it alone."
Ford's eyes swung towards John's. "What about you, sir? I bet you've done some wild shit."
"Leave me out of this, Ford." John glared, and Ford turned his attention back on Rodney. Rank did have its privileges.
"Okay, fine." Ford fidgeted on his log, eyes flicking back and forth like he was about to confess to a priest. "You sure?"
"Oh, for Pete's sake," Rodney sighed.
Ford glanced at John yet again. "Go on," John encouraged. "I'm not going to give you any shit about it."
Ford leaned forward like he was trying to keep his secret from a crowd full of people. He was being awfully coy for a seasoned Marine, and John's own imagination was starting to run wild. Despite himself, he leaned forward as well, noticing Rodney doing the same thing on the opposite side of the camp.
"So I was with this one chick who was really, really on fire, you know? I couldn't keep up with her, and I'm talking all night long."
John nodded, somewhat wistfully. 'All night long' was pretty much a memory for him these days.
"So she took care of herself, if you know what I mean." Ford paused, his voice dropping to a whisper. "And then she licked her fingers."
The fire popped, sending a shower of sparks up into the blackness of the sky. Ford stayed quiet, and it didn't take long to Rodney to get restless.
"And?" he prompted.
"And what?" Ford asked, clearly puzzled.
Rodney snorted. John settled back into a comfortable position. "Are you sure you're twenty-five, Ford?"
The lieutenant still looked bewildered. "What? That's totally hot, man."
"Well, yes." John thought Rodney's eyes looked a little dreamy above his smirk. "But it's not kinky."
"It is, too!"
John snickered. Rodney grinned at him across the firelight.
"Oh, oh, I get you. It's pick on the grunt night. So tell me, Mr. Genius, what's the kinkiest thing you've done?"
"That's Doctor Genius," Rodney corrected automatically. He crossed his arms across his chest, chin tipped high, looking like he was caught between smug and defensive.
John couldn't tear his eyes away, suddenly realizing that Rodney was going to share something about his sex life that wasn't all bravado and bragging. He clutched his coffee cup in both hands, trying to look cool as Rodney built the suspense.
Rodney cleared his throat, and then let it spill. "Strap-on."
Fuck. Lukewarm coffee sloshed over his hands as his fingers twitched with the need to act out. John couldn't tell if the color on Rodney's cheeks was a sudden flush or the play of firelight, but the smug smile on his face spoke of a very good memory.
"Wait, what?" Ford asked, sounding completely bewildered.
Rodney dropped his arms, smile dropping with them as he rolled his eyes. "It's a dildo that goes into a harness for the woman to wear. So she can perform like a man. Do I need to draw you a diagram?"
"Dude." Ford looked over at John like he'd just had his mind blown. John could relate, though for a totally different reason. "So you're saying she--Dude."
"Mmm, yes. It was fantastic."
Ford laughed. "McKay, that's pretty gay."
John didn't wince. He'd heard it all before, but that didn't mean his gut didn't drop a bit with disappointment. Especially since Rodney was looking uncomfortable now.
"No, it is not gay. A sex act does not make one gay, Lieutenant." Rodney stopped, a frown creasing his forehead. "Well, it does if it's performed with another man, I guess, but this was with a woman, so--"
"Yeah, we get the point, McKay," John broke in. He was really tired of the guy-bonding portion of the evening now. "You're not gay."
"Could have fooled me," Ford muttered.
"I didn't say I wasn't gay," Rodney said with some exasperation. "Though obviously, I like women. But if you people are so hung up on gender that you're willing to pass up perfectly good sex, well, more for me, I suppose."
John stared, trying to untangle Rodney's logic. Either he had just confessed to being bi, or he really liked taking it up the ass from a woman. John rubbed at his ear, fighting the urge to ask for a clarification.
"Yeah, whatever." Ford rolled his eyes; John half-expected him to make a big W-sign. Or maybe L for loser. "If that's what you mean by kinky, I'll pass, man."
"Well it's not like I was offering," Rodney huffed.
John pulled out his deck of cards, deciding he'd had about all he could take. "So, poker? Go fish?"
Ford looked grateful. Rodney muttered something about his ass never being the same again. John chose to interpret that as commentary on the state of the campsite, and dealt the cards.
It was going to be a very long night.
********
Counting the previous day's up-time, the vigil, breakfast, a not-so-brief meeting to confirm Teyla's trade arrangements, and a quick debrief with Elizabeth, it wasn't just a long night. John was pretty sure he was coming up on forty hours straight, but his eyes were so gritty he couldn't get them to focus on his watch to check. Thirty-six at the very least. He'd been up long enough without the benefit of combat adrenaline that he was definitely in loopy territory.
Which was probably the reason John fell into step with Rodney as they left Elizabeth's office and followed him straight back to his quarters.
"Is there a problem?" Rodney finally asked. He swept his hand over the door sensor and then yawned, mangling the irritation out of his next words. "Because my bed is right there and I plan to be in it in thirty seconds."
John nodded amiably and followed Rodney right on in. True to his word, Rodney dropped straight onto his bed. John seriously thought Rodney was sleeping sitting up and with his eyes open, until he finally gathered enough energy to bend over and untie his shoes.
"Strap-on, huh?" Some part of John's brain sluggishly awoke, informing him that that opening was neither smooth nor smart.
Rodney lifted his head, blinking slowly like he was still processing the words. "What? You're asking about that now?"
John shrugged. "Just curious. You sounded like you were really into it."
Rodney turned back to his socks. "Yes, well. Not all of us are as repressed as the typical American male. Now can I go to sleep, please?"
"Sure." John backed towards the door, but the smart part of his brain had hit the snooze button. "It's just, I don't get the whole silicone deal. I've always found the real thing to be much more satisfying."
Rodney's head snapped up. His eyes were wide and awake, and they flicked down to John's crotch before jerking back up to his eyes.
John winked. "Pleasant dreams," he said, and fled.