really needed to put this out somewhere.
I am going to bad mental (spiritual?) places.
Asuka always puts it so much better than I ever can, so I'm stealing her words:
I'm never good enough.
and
The great majority of my problems is of my own making.
It's a cycle you see -- I get bored/sad/nervous/sleepy--I get bad feelings, and I try to avoid them. I run away from life. I seem to think I can put it all on pause as I get my fill of reading a lot and sleeping a lot and playing a few games.
But life isn't on pause, and when I come back things are worse not better because I have been avoiding my responsibilities and so I run again, further and further and for longer each time, as if things will be better when I walk back, as if my problems will fix themselves as long as I'm not looking.
I can't afford to do this, I'm gonna end up on the street one of these days if I keep on doing this, but I'm not the one who's truly paying for my mistakes and I can't seem to internalize any of what anybody and everybody has told me for years, what I've been telling myself for years.
And I hate hate hate when people try to pull me back on track so as the people who do care about me and who are only trying to help me do their best to warn me of the holes I'm stumbling into I usually get angry because I can SEE these holes thankyouverymuch and I read some more and listen to really loud music and I fall. I fail. I disappoint everybody who cares about me except for myself, I always tell myself I'm not disappointed in myself, let's read that other story let's listen to that cool song everything is going to be. just. fine.
The characters who act like me are the ones I hate reading about.
I'm not writing this to get sympathy (although I do love it when other people tell me everything is going to be okay), I'm writing this because I want to tell somebody about this and I can't really talk to the people who I know, because they care, they care a lot, and they are tired and fed up of watching me stumble around in these holes on the ground and throw my life away and they want me to stop whining and start doing already.
I can do it. They know I can do it. They know it because, as they are so fond of telling me, I have done it in the past. I'm intelligent enough, and more importantly, I studied nearly everyday for about a decade of my life, although I can't remember how I did it or what it was like. It's a matter of willpower, it's a matter of responsibility. It's not a matter of it being the fault of somebody else or even nature. The fault, and there is indeed fault, is mine. My situation -- ha, "situation" what a polite little word -- my so-called situation is my fault, my fault entirely. People have tried to help me, all that is lacking is that I do not help myself.
(I am not "normal" exactly. I do have slight differences from most of the population. I have, shall we say, small defects of production. I can't blame any of them for my current situation.)
...I can't think of anything else to write here. I'll go and write about something else.
Asuka always puts it so much better than I ever can, so I'm stealing her words:
I'm never good enough.
and
The great majority of my problems is of my own making.
It's a cycle you see -- I get bored/sad/nervous/sleepy--I get bad feelings, and I try to avoid them. I run away from life. I seem to think I can put it all on pause as I get my fill of reading a lot and sleeping a lot and playing a few games.
But life isn't on pause, and when I come back things are worse not better because I have been avoiding my responsibilities and so I run again, further and further and for longer each time, as if things will be better when I walk back, as if my problems will fix themselves as long as I'm not looking.
I can't afford to do this, I'm gonna end up on the street one of these days if I keep on doing this, but I'm not the one who's truly paying for my mistakes and I can't seem to internalize any of what anybody and everybody has told me for years, what I've been telling myself for years.
And I hate hate hate when people try to pull me back on track so as the people who do care about me and who are only trying to help me do their best to warn me of the holes I'm stumbling into I usually get angry because I can SEE these holes thankyouverymuch and I read some more and listen to really loud music and I fall. I fail. I disappoint everybody who cares about me except for myself, I always tell myself I'm not disappointed in myself, let's read that other story let's listen to that cool song everything is going to be. just. fine.
The characters who act like me are the ones I hate reading about.
I'm not writing this to get sympathy (although I do love it when other people tell me everything is going to be okay), I'm writing this because I want to tell somebody about this and I can't really talk to the people who I know, because they care, they care a lot, and they are tired and fed up of watching me stumble around in these holes on the ground and throw my life away and they want me to stop whining and start doing already.
I can do it. They know I can do it. They know it because, as they are so fond of telling me, I have done it in the past. I'm intelligent enough, and more importantly, I studied nearly everyday for about a decade of my life, although I can't remember how I did it or what it was like. It's a matter of willpower, it's a matter of responsibility. It's not a matter of it being the fault of somebody else or even nature. The fault, and there is indeed fault, is mine. My situation -- ha, "situation" what a polite little word -- my so-called situation is my fault, my fault entirely. People have tried to help me, all that is lacking is that I do not help myself.
(I am not "normal" exactly. I do have slight differences from most of the population. I have, shall we say, small defects of production. I can't blame any of them for my current situation.)
...I can't think of anything else to write here. I'll go and write about something else.