(no subject)
Ok, I wasn't going to put anything personal on here, but I need to get it out somehow, without freaking out my friends a bit at a time over facebook conversations, and even if I'm speaking into the void I'll at least have gotten it out. This probably wont be of any interest to anyone.
I was in a bad car accident a bit more than a week ago. We were in the middle of nowhere when the car rolled (probably a few times, but with no witnesses and both myself and my husband unconscious after the first roll, who knows?). I keep having flashbacks to the feel of the car tipping over and feeling absolutely helpless and more scared than I'd ever been, and feeling sure that I wasn't going to wake up. But then I did wake up, but I couldn't see and everything hurt and my husband was in the seat next to mine just screaming, and all I felt when I heard him was grateful, because it meant he was alive. But then he didn't stop screaming and I needed him to stop screaming, and I couldn't move because my hair was caught on something and one of the bags was on top of me and I still couldn't see properly. And even after I got my hair untangled from whatever it was I couldn't shift the bag by myself and my husband was still just screaming next to me. Eventually I managed to get him to help me move the bag and I somehow climbed out the window but I couldn't see where the road was at first. I can't remember what the car looked like, but there were bits of it and the stuff that was in the back all over the road for about 100m. I got out to the road and saw what it looked like and I just cried. But not proper tears, just sobbing. And James just kept repeating the same things over and over, asking where we were, what happened, that all of his fingers were broken, and he sounded so confused and so scared and all I could think of to do was to find our phones, even though neither of them would work and that I had to calm down, because I couldn't bear to upset him any more than he already was.
Someone finally came along and offered to take us to help, but it was an hours drive before we could get any help, and even then we had to wait half an hour for the Royal Flying Doctor to arrive. And the man who picked us up only had two seats in his ute, so I had to sit on James' lap for the whole trip, trying not to hurt him (or myself) any more than he already was. And about halfway through the drive I felt something sticking out of my foot but couldn't look at it or get it out and I had to wait until we got all the way to the Burke and Wills to even find out what it was or how big it was. And the whole time I had to try to talk to James, to keep him awake, when all I wanted to do was bawl.
And now I'm afraid to go to sleep before I'm completely exhausted, just in case I dream of it, and I don't want to dream of the car rolling over and have to wake up from it again and NOT have James next to me because he's still in hospital. Not that it helps, because I keep seeing it and feeling it, even while I'm still awake. And every time I think of what might have happened, that one or both of us could have ended up dead, or brain-damaged I just burst into tears, and I can't even go home, because he hasn't been discharged from the hospital yet.