Doll
DOLL
Siwon had never been one to like dolls, they were meant for girls after all. He didn’t spare much thought for toys, least of all the piles and piles of pretty dolls with glassy eyes in his sister’s room. They all looked alike, even if they were dressed up all different, their faces were stiff, their eyes unmoving and there was nothing there except a plainness that spoke of factory machinery and mass production.
He remembered the day that his mother brought the doll back and the excited look on his sister’s face. The same excitement that greeted every new doll, even the ones that now lay disgarded in a dusty corner of the house with only cobwebs for company. There were two dolls, side by side, their hands touching, but not clasped together. A beautiful little doll- a man, a dancer perhaps and a female besides him, all dressed up, but deep down it was just like the others, lacking that special magic unlike her partner. There was something about the little doll, the delicate details of the suit jacket, the realism in those features. The face was beautiful, the eyes and the lips in particular were exquistitely painted and Siwon could swear he saw the sparkle of light catch in those depth and the sadness lingering at the corners of the pale red lips. There lacked the same perfection, the exact sameness that marked all the other dolls and it was in the tiny inperfections that its real beauty shone through.
Siwon said nothing as his sister fusses over the dolls and plays with his own new toy car instead. It isn’t until the darkest hours of the night that he carefully creep downstairs to stare at the doll still sitting on the coffee table. He itches to touch, to hold, to steal it away. But Siwon adores his sister and has always let her have anything she wanted; he would never dream of taking something away from her. Until the day that he wraps the dancer doll in soft clothes and shatters the other against the marble floor. His sister finds the shattered female doll lying in pieces on the kitchen floor. There are tears and exasperated sighs and promises of new dolls and Siwon offers to throw the doll away. He walks to the trash can and hurries upstairs, the doll tucked away safely inside his jacket.
He cleans the little doll, wipes away the glitter that still lingers from his former partner and mends the tiny wound in those porcelain hands where it had once touched the girl’s. The doll fits perfectly in his small hands and Siwon swears he sees a smile curl around those lips instead of that aching sadness. Siwon makes a special spot for the little dancer in his draw during the day, sitting him besides the embroided hankerchief from his mother and an antique watch from his grandfather. And at night the doll slept beside him, resting on the pillow that he never used on the right side of the bed. It was the last thing he saw before he slept and the first thing each morning as he opened his eyes.
The days galloped past and Siwon wasn’t a little boy anymore, but the doll still remained besides him. It’s his little secret, no one knows, not his parents or his sister and not even his girlfriend. Siwon was sure now, the smile tugging at those lips were unmissable in his eyes. Yet there was a longing in those wide eyes, hidden behind thick lashes and that happiness, but it still tugged at Siwon’s heart. He was glad the little dancer was now smiling, but he didn’t want to see anything not completely beautiful and wonderful in those eyes. He didn’t want the other to have to wish, to want.
Siwon finally understands one day, a warm summer’s afternoon when he soothes over the silky pants leg and he thinks of ballet dancers and of the long legs of his girlfriend when he runs his hands along them. He understands the longing then, reads the desire in those eyes and he knew what he had to do. Siwon sets the doll inside the dance studio of his girlfriend’s exclusive dance school. He doesn’t look back, doesn’t linger, just sets the other free, his own feelings be damned. He breaks it off with his girlfriend soon after; Siwon couldn’t see her and not think of another dancer.
He sees but he doesn’t believe. He watches the dance right in front of his eyes, hears the music swell, feels the vibrations in the ground each time feet touches the floor in a soft landing. Siwon doesn’t trust his eyes or his ears or anything else, because it just couldn’t be. But the thud in his heart was real and familiar, the tingling in his veins electrifying, the smile that only the other can bring to his face exactly as it was all those years ago. It was his little dancer, only this man wasn’t so little anymore-all long legs and flowing limbs-but God, he was even more beautiful now that he is free.
Siwon knows that he will treasure this man- forever his dancer- more than ever before.
Siwon had never been one to like dolls, they were meant for girls after all. He didn’t spare much thought for toys, least of all the piles and piles of pretty dolls with glassy eyes in his sister’s room. They all looked alike, even if they were dressed up all different, their faces were stiff, their eyes unmoving and there was nothing there except a plainness that spoke of factory machinery and mass production.
He remembered the day that his mother brought the doll back and the excited look on his sister’s face. The same excitement that greeted every new doll, even the ones that now lay disgarded in a dusty corner of the house with only cobwebs for company. There were two dolls, side by side, their hands touching, but not clasped together. A beautiful little doll- a man, a dancer perhaps and a female besides him, all dressed up, but deep down it was just like the others, lacking that special magic unlike her partner. There was something about the little doll, the delicate details of the suit jacket, the realism in those features. The face was beautiful, the eyes and the lips in particular were exquistitely painted and Siwon could swear he saw the sparkle of light catch in those depth and the sadness lingering at the corners of the pale red lips. There lacked the same perfection, the exact sameness that marked all the other dolls and it was in the tiny inperfections that its real beauty shone through.
Siwon said nothing as his sister fusses over the dolls and plays with his own new toy car instead. It isn’t until the darkest hours of the night that he carefully creep downstairs to stare at the doll still sitting on the coffee table. He itches to touch, to hold, to steal it away. But Siwon adores his sister and has always let her have anything she wanted; he would never dream of taking something away from her. Until the day that he wraps the dancer doll in soft clothes and shatters the other against the marble floor. His sister finds the shattered female doll lying in pieces on the kitchen floor. There are tears and exasperated sighs and promises of new dolls and Siwon offers to throw the doll away. He walks to the trash can and hurries upstairs, the doll tucked away safely inside his jacket.
He cleans the little doll, wipes away the glitter that still lingers from his former partner and mends the tiny wound in those porcelain hands where it had once touched the girl’s. The doll fits perfectly in his small hands and Siwon swears he sees a smile curl around those lips instead of that aching sadness. Siwon makes a special spot for the little dancer in his draw during the day, sitting him besides the embroided hankerchief from his mother and an antique watch from his grandfather. And at night the doll slept beside him, resting on the pillow that he never used on the right side of the bed. It was the last thing he saw before he slept and the first thing each morning as he opened his eyes.
The days galloped past and Siwon wasn’t a little boy anymore, but the doll still remained besides him. It’s his little secret, no one knows, not his parents or his sister and not even his girlfriend. Siwon was sure now, the smile tugging at those lips were unmissable in his eyes. Yet there was a longing in those wide eyes, hidden behind thick lashes and that happiness, but it still tugged at Siwon’s heart. He was glad the little dancer was now smiling, but he didn’t want to see anything not completely beautiful and wonderful in those eyes. He didn’t want the other to have to wish, to want.
Siwon finally understands one day, a warm summer’s afternoon when he soothes over the silky pants leg and he thinks of ballet dancers and of the long legs of his girlfriend when he runs his hands along them. He understands the longing then, reads the desire in those eyes and he knew what he had to do. Siwon sets the doll inside the dance studio of his girlfriend’s exclusive dance school. He doesn’t look back, doesn’t linger, just sets the other free, his own feelings be damned. He breaks it off with his girlfriend soon after; Siwon couldn’t see her and not think of another dancer.
He sees but he doesn’t believe. He watches the dance right in front of his eyes, hears the music swell, feels the vibrations in the ground each time feet touches the floor in a soft landing. Siwon doesn’t trust his eyes or his ears or anything else, because it just couldn’t be. But the thud in his heart was real and familiar, the tingling in his veins electrifying, the smile that only the other can bring to his face exactly as it was all those years ago. It was his little dancer, only this man wasn’t so little anymore-all long legs and flowing limbs-but God, he was even more beautiful now that he is free.
Siwon knows that he will treasure this man- forever his dancer- more than ever before.