MUSE
MUSE
~
I like you, my leader.
There are times when I wish to give up, when the chants happens one too many times or is a little too piercing on a particular night. It’s easy to let go, to give up, because then I would be free of all this and there won’t be any need for you to clench your hands like that or watch out for my feelings every free moment. But then you are there, with your hugs and your soft reassurances and the way you stroke my hair and I find myself not wanting to let go.
~
I love you, my hyung.
I don’t think you remember the first time we met. Kyuhyun thinks it’s in the cafeteria when we are all dragged there by Leeteuk hyung. Donghae reckons it’s when I first visited you guys in the dorms. But even if you remember accurately that it was in the dingy practice rooms that we first saw each other, you would still be wrong. It as a long time ago, hyung, much much longer than you or anyone else thinks. You were dancing, much much younger, but already all graceful spins and flowing limbs and I knew for certain that you were going to be a star and that maybe I was in love with you.
~
I need you, my muse.
I was only a child back then, trying to play a grown up instrument with all the classical music and pressed shirts, when I should’ve been out playing in the dirt with the other kids. My childhood was music notes and strings and I was proud that each note hit perfectly, but still I felt empty. But when I watched you dance, something flared within me and the next time the smoothm oak curve of the violin was against my skin and the strings quivering beneath my fingers, I started to move too. I weave you into my music. My teachers, my parents, they dismissed it, frowned upon it, urged me to drop the dancing and just play properly. But I couldn’t stop, not just because it was my link to you, but also because I felt alive and not so damn empty anymore.
~
I can’t live without you, Hankyung.
Now each time I play, I sneak a glance at you and see your proud smile. You once told me you loved it when I played violin because I was confident and happy and strong. I wonder what you would say if you knew it was you who gave me all that. And I wonder what you would say if I told you that I couldn’t live without you.
~
I like you, my leader.
There are times when I wish to give up, when the chants happens one too many times or is a little too piercing on a particular night. It’s easy to let go, to give up, because then I would be free of all this and there won’t be any need for you to clench your hands like that or watch out for my feelings every free moment. But then you are there, with your hugs and your soft reassurances and the way you stroke my hair and I find myself not wanting to let go.
~
I love you, my hyung.
I don’t think you remember the first time we met. Kyuhyun thinks it’s in the cafeteria when we are all dragged there by Leeteuk hyung. Donghae reckons it’s when I first visited you guys in the dorms. But even if you remember accurately that it was in the dingy practice rooms that we first saw each other, you would still be wrong. It as a long time ago, hyung, much much longer than you or anyone else thinks. You were dancing, much much younger, but already all graceful spins and flowing limbs and I knew for certain that you were going to be a star and that maybe I was in love with you.
~
I need you, my muse.
I was only a child back then, trying to play a grown up instrument with all the classical music and pressed shirts, when I should’ve been out playing in the dirt with the other kids. My childhood was music notes and strings and I was proud that each note hit perfectly, but still I felt empty. But when I watched you dance, something flared within me and the next time the smoothm oak curve of the violin was against my skin and the strings quivering beneath my fingers, I started to move too. I weave you into my music. My teachers, my parents, they dismissed it, frowned upon it, urged me to drop the dancing and just play properly. But I couldn’t stop, not just because it was my link to you, but also because I felt alive and not so damn empty anymore.
~
I can’t live without you, Hankyung.
Now each time I play, I sneak a glance at you and see your proud smile. You once told me you loved it when I played violin because I was confident and happy and strong. I wonder what you would say if you knew it was you who gave me all that. And I wonder what you would say if I told you that I couldn’t live without you.