Who Am I?
This is a piece dedicated for miangel_zezchic because she loved me enough to read my hanhae and for her support since I started writing. sorry this is bleh but here's a little shihan for you <3
This is kinda a song fic based on Shiwon's solo "Who Am I?" =D i may have completely and utterly twisted this but im a shihan whore so meh.
**********************
WHO AM I?
~
Who am I?
There’s something about this world, something about the hundreds of cameras and the thousands of fans and the millions of traps you could fall into, that makes a person lose themselves. There’s nothing to hold onto, nothing to grasp and I find myself wandering a world full of questions and no answers. I lose my way, lose myself and I don’t even know who I am anymore.
~
Not because of who I am, but because of what you’ve done.
Model student, polite friend, filial son, successor of the company. It’s who I am, who I’m suppose to be and everything is true and there’s no lies there. Except that there is, because there are all the times we snuck out of lessons to go ride the subway to nowhere (we sit on the seats and our legs are cramped, but we lean against each other and you fall asleep on my shoulders and it’s worth every ache the next day) and all the times I’ve ditched a friend to simply watch you dance (I turn off my mobile and sit there against the mirrors and you try to pull me along and we end up laughing together on the floor). I don’t like the way my parents frown at you as I pull you into the house (so what if I was holding you by the hand?) and when we are together, I don’t even care about the company and the money, because it all seems so damn small compared to how you make me feel.
~
Not because of what I’ve done, but because of who you are.
I think it doesn’t matter if I never talk to you again, or see you again. I could go study abroad and meet a nice foreign girl, the daughter of some bigshot international boss of a company. I could run away and hide inside my mansion and behind hired bodyguards and never face you and it would not make a diference. I think that it doesn’t matter what I’ve done, or what I do, I would still feel the exact the same way about you. It doesn’t matter that I was fascinated, enthralled by your beauty and your dances, it was your kindness that drew me to you and kept me by your side. Even if I had never seen you move and shine, I would still found my way to you. It doesn’t matter that I want to protect you and shield you from the world, so you are safe; I would have done it regardless because more than anybody, you deserve it the most. It’s not because I ache inside and find myself reaching for you as I watch you sleep against a table, in the car, on the practice room floor. It’s how you look after everyone, but never yourself that makes me do it. It’s not because my heart is pounding and trembling everytime I’m near you, but the way you look at me like I’m the most important thing in the world, that makes me want to stay in your world forever.
~
I am a flower quickly fading, here today and gone tomorrow.
I’m losing grip on what’s real and what is me , because what I have to do isn’t what I want to do, and what I want to do is what I shouldn’t do. Everything is wrong and mixed up and the world is upside down, inside out and I feel like I don’t belong.
~
You hear me when I’m calling, you catch me when I’m falling
You must have felt the way my world was shaking and trembling on its axis, because you reach over and hold my hand and it anchors me so much that everything just fades away. You must have heard my silent cries, because when I reach for you, you let me hug you to sleep and you rub softly over my hand wrapped around your waist and I sleep without dreams for once. When we are together, even if we are practicing lines for an early filming later or simply talking about some issue that had cropped up, I am warm and safe and grounded, happier than I had ever thought possible (happier than my sister, happier than my ex-girlfriend and definitely happier than my parents) and it doesn’t matter that I’ve fallen so hard for you that I’ve left parts of myself dangling in the air, because you’re there to catch me wherever I fall.
~
And you tell me who I am.
It’s not spoken through words, just like you never ask me if I love you, if I’m willing to give everything up for you and you never push me to know my own heart. It’s in the way you look at me, the understanding and the patience, it’s in the way you sit silently beside me and watch me pray, the acceptance and support. It’s in the way you don’t want to hurt me, the way you never respond straight away when I kiss you and the way you pull away when I hold you tight; the heat in your eyes tell me you want this, but even when I’m the one pushing you up against the wall, you’re still thinking of me, still thinking of the things that are obstructing your happiness. It’s the way you trust me, the way you let me treasure and love you like no other. The love in your eyes and on your lips and beating against my chest when you fall asleep and the whisper of “wo ai ni, Shiyuan…” you never knew you spoke. And in that moment, I found myself, with you, within you, because of you and I knew that was who I was, not Choi Siwon the actor, the idol, the chaebol, the handsome heartthrob. I was Shiyuan and Shiyuan only lived for one person and that was who I am.
~
I am yours.
Yours.
This is kinda a song fic based on Shiwon's solo "Who Am I?" =D i may have completely and utterly twisted this but im a shihan whore so meh.
**********************
WHO AM I?
~
Who am I?
There’s something about this world, something about the hundreds of cameras and the thousands of fans and the millions of traps you could fall into, that makes a person lose themselves. There’s nothing to hold onto, nothing to grasp and I find myself wandering a world full of questions and no answers. I lose my way, lose myself and I don’t even know who I am anymore.
~
Not because of who I am, but because of what you’ve done.
Model student, polite friend, filial son, successor of the company. It’s who I am, who I’m suppose to be and everything is true and there’s no lies there. Except that there is, because there are all the times we snuck out of lessons to go ride the subway to nowhere (we sit on the seats and our legs are cramped, but we lean against each other and you fall asleep on my shoulders and it’s worth every ache the next day) and all the times I’ve ditched a friend to simply watch you dance (I turn off my mobile and sit there against the mirrors and you try to pull me along and we end up laughing together on the floor). I don’t like the way my parents frown at you as I pull you into the house (so what if I was holding you by the hand?) and when we are together, I don’t even care about the company and the money, because it all seems so damn small compared to how you make me feel.
~
Not because of what I’ve done, but because of who you are.
I think it doesn’t matter if I never talk to you again, or see you again. I could go study abroad and meet a nice foreign girl, the daughter of some bigshot international boss of a company. I could run away and hide inside my mansion and behind hired bodyguards and never face you and it would not make a diference. I think that it doesn’t matter what I’ve done, or what I do, I would still feel the exact the same way about you. It doesn’t matter that I was fascinated, enthralled by your beauty and your dances, it was your kindness that drew me to you and kept me by your side. Even if I had never seen you move and shine, I would still found my way to you. It doesn’t matter that I want to protect you and shield you from the world, so you are safe; I would have done it regardless because more than anybody, you deserve it the most. It’s not because I ache inside and find myself reaching for you as I watch you sleep against a table, in the car, on the practice room floor. It’s how you look after everyone, but never yourself that makes me do it. It’s not because my heart is pounding and trembling everytime I’m near you, but the way you look at me like I’m the most important thing in the world, that makes me want to stay in your world forever.
~
I am a flower quickly fading, here today and gone tomorrow.
I’m losing grip on what’s real and what is me , because what I have to do isn’t what I want to do, and what I want to do is what I shouldn’t do. Everything is wrong and mixed up and the world is upside down, inside out and I feel like I don’t belong.
~
You hear me when I’m calling, you catch me when I’m falling
You must have felt the way my world was shaking and trembling on its axis, because you reach over and hold my hand and it anchors me so much that everything just fades away. You must have heard my silent cries, because when I reach for you, you let me hug you to sleep and you rub softly over my hand wrapped around your waist and I sleep without dreams for once. When we are together, even if we are practicing lines for an early filming later or simply talking about some issue that had cropped up, I am warm and safe and grounded, happier than I had ever thought possible (happier than my sister, happier than my ex-girlfriend and definitely happier than my parents) and it doesn’t matter that I’ve fallen so hard for you that I’ve left parts of myself dangling in the air, because you’re there to catch me wherever I fall.
~
And you tell me who I am.
It’s not spoken through words, just like you never ask me if I love you, if I’m willing to give everything up for you and you never push me to know my own heart. It’s in the way you look at me, the understanding and the patience, it’s in the way you sit silently beside me and watch me pray, the acceptance and support. It’s in the way you don’t want to hurt me, the way you never respond straight away when I kiss you and the way you pull away when I hold you tight; the heat in your eyes tell me you want this, but even when I’m the one pushing you up against the wall, you’re still thinking of me, still thinking of the things that are obstructing your happiness. It’s the way you trust me, the way you let me treasure and love you like no other. The love in your eyes and on your lips and beating against my chest when you fall asleep and the whisper of “wo ai ni, Shiyuan…” you never knew you spoke. And in that moment, I found myself, with you, within you, because of you and I knew that was who I was, not Choi Siwon the actor, the idol, the chaebol, the handsome heartthrob. I was Shiyuan and Shiyuan only lived for one person and that was who I am.
~
I am yours.
Yours.