Someday (we'll be in love)
Title: Someday (we'll be in love)
Pairing: Hangeng/Donghae, side pairings: Kyuwook, Yeteuk, Eunhae friendship, Jaechun etc
Genre: angst, smut
Rating: R
Summary: Brought up in a world of rivalry, blood and fighting, and not able to have what he wants most, Donghae dreams of a better future. But in realtiy, he's just dreaming for love.
Word count: approx. 9380 holy cactus
A/N: for static_abyss my amazing fellow gengwhore who i promised this long time ago and the ever-lovely summer0smiles who keeps all hanhae lovers happy ^^
based off this:
Someday (we'll be in love)
Another night fighting out on the streets and Donghae thinks it’s just so wrong, how normal it has become. One night, it’ll be with the gang across the river over some dispute over the bridge, another time it will be with a neighbouring group over land boundaries. They’d go out, sometimes with weapons and they’d fight, brutal and bloody and come out mostly roughed up, but victorious. Split skin, heavy bruises and broken bones; Donghae had long grown used to them.
Warm hands touch his shoulders and Donghae knows them well enough to stop his instinctive reaction to defend and attack. Instead he lets himself relax, head dropping back until he was leaning against the man behind him, a small smile drifting onto his lips at the famililar sense of peace the other brings.
“Hangeng hyung.”
Hangeng smiles at him, walking in front of Donghae and kneeling before him, taking Donghae’s hand, untying the bandages and wrapping them up properly. “You alright Hae?”
“Of course.” The words come out instinctively, neutral with a bit of edge that suggests the end of that conversation. It’s Hangeng though, not just one of the others and Donghae drops the attitude, his tone softening. “I’m alright hyung, just a few small cuts to take care of and I’ll be good as new.”
There’s a sad look that comes into Hangeng’s eyes as he watches Donghae, as if he’s staring at something beautiful that’s been broken. This was their life now though and no matter how much he might wish to, it wasn’t in Hangeng’s power to change it. Donghae knew none of them were happy with letting him fight, but one fight had turned into two, two into five and they needed him as part of the gang, whether they wanted it or not.
“Get some sleep, Hae. You and I have to get up nice and early for a trip downtown.” Hangeng ruffles Donghae’s hair and then he’s gone, down the stairs and Donghae doesn’t close his eyes until the sounds of boots against metal fades completely.
How he wishes he can be a kid again; reach out for Hangeng and ask him to stay.
-
It’s barely seven in the morning and Donghae’s hurtling through the empty streets on the back of Hangeng’s motorbike, the chilly air blasting the sleep from his eyes.
They don’t talk, it’s hard to hear over the engine and the wind, but Donghae lets his arms tighten over Hangeng’s waist and he wishes he could take this helmet off so he can press his cheek against the older man’s back. Even so, he’s happy, light almost, because there’s no one else here, only the two of them moving together.
They round a corner and the bike swerves sharply as Hangeng tries to avoid some drunk man falling all over himself. Hangeng curses and puts a hand over Donghae’s as if to reassure him and Donghae clutches tighter and somehow he’s never felt safer.
-
The trip is because someone owes them money and whilst Jongwoon is not nearly as cold-hearted as some of the other bosses, a debt is still a debt and it must be paid.
It’s a small shop they look after that’s been a few months behind on their payment. The owner isn’t malicious, just sneaky and incredibly possessive of his money. Taking money from him was as difficult and seemingly as painful for the man, as peeling his skin. Hopefully it won’t have to come to that, Donghae thinks faintly, even if Jongwoon was getting very impatient.
Hangeng leaves Donghae outside with the bike despite his protests and even if he doesn’t want to, Donghae obeys, because for him, Hangeng’s word is law.
There’s hardly any noise coming from within, the occasional shatter of a plate or a cup, a faint cry of pain, but no gunshots, so Donghae stays where he is, albeit figeting constantly, eyes glued to the door and ready to run in at any sign of trouble.
The door opens and Donghae tenses, but it’s Hangeng who walks out, pulling on his gloves and Donghae knows that he’s hiding bruised and bloody knuckles. Hangeng nods at him, eyes blank and jaw hard, slipping a stuffed envelope to Donghae and he tucks it safely into his jacket, before tossing the keys to the older man.
They pull away from the curb and Donghae wraps his arms around his hyung, breathing easy for the first time in nearly twenty minutes.
Donghae thinks of Hangeng’s eyes and his heart is heavy. One day, he swears, one day they’ll leave all this behind; move somewhere far away, somewhere quiet and live in a way that doesn’t involve hurting others and themselves.
-
Hyukjae visits one day, passing a sealed parcel to Jungsu and throwing a fish plushie at Donghae with a gummy grin. Donghae scowls and complains how he’s not a kid anymore, but his eyes are bright and Hyukjae just grabs him in a headlock and everyone else watches with a smile.
There used to be a time when Hyukjae was always around, sleeping on the couch and drooling over Donghae’s arm, fighting Siwon for the last spoonful whenever Hangeng cooked. Hyukjae was never officially part of the gang, but he might as well have been, might have actually been, if not for the attack on his girlfriend. They’d taken care of the ones who did it, but the incident had made Hyukjae truly understand what he was putting at risk. Still, Hyukjae had never stopped giving them information, a new shipping container Kim Kibum was smuggling in, an underground brothel over at Chinatown, extra patrols on the weekend…
They don’t go out that night, bolting the doors of the warehouse that is their headquarters and sitting on the floor upstairs, chewing on takeaway food and guzzling beer. Hyukjae tells them Sooyoung’s pregnant and Hangeng and Siwon both clap him on the back whilst Jungsu beams like he’s the one having a baby and even Jongwoon smiles contently at the news. Donghae pokes Hyukjae in the leg and says he hopes the baby looks like Sooyoung. Hyukjae whacks him on the arm for it.
Jongwoon shakes his head as he empties his beer bottle. “How is it that you’re becoming a father and you two still fight like cats and dogs?”
They both start arguing again and Jongwoon shuts them up by throwing chip packets at their faces. The beer flows as does the good humour and Donghae laughs until his jaw hurts because Jungsu was imitating Jongwoon on the toilet and Hangeng had drawn a moustache on Siwon.
Donghae hasn’t seen his parents since he was five, but he thinks this is what family feels like.
-
He wakes up in the middle of the night and Donghae blinks a few times, because he’s passed out on Hyukjae’s bony leg and his feet is up on the couch. A glance around the room shows Jongwoon and Jungsu sprawled on the other side of the room and Hangeng- Donghae’s breath catches in his throat- curled up on the rug with Siwon, his head pressed into Siwon’s shoulders.
Donghae doesn’t know what to do, because he wants to go over there and pull them apart, but he can’t, he can’t because he has no reason to. They’ve all slept pressed together and after so many years, it shouldn’t matter. He turns away and stares at the wall and his heart tells him that it does matter, it does.
-
Nothing really happens for a few months, little scruffles here and there and there is a sort of nervous energy floating around, as if something big is brewing. Then one day, Siwon and Jungsu comes back with thunderous expressions and two boys in tow. They found the two being sold into an illegal prostitution ring and Donghae glances sympathetically at the boys even younger than himself, feeling a heavy churn of disgust at the thought of perverted old men abusing their innocence.
The taller boy is distant and weary, gaze distrusting and his stance tense as he sits in the chair, a hand clasped protectively over the shorter boy’s arm beside him. The other boy is sweet, eyes and face innocent, but not naïve and he swings his legs back and forth as Jungsu asks him questions. His name is Ryeowook and despite their height, his actually older than his friend- Kyuhyun-ah, stop being so unfriendly!- and they ran away because they had a disagreement with Ryeowook’s father.
Jongwoon frowns, his lip pursing into a thin line, but then Kyuhyun cuts in, tone exasperated, but eyes dark and serious. “Yeah, if a disagreement involves his father bashing the shit out of him every day.”
Jungsu’s eyes immediately soften and so do Hangeng’s and Donghae knows what’s going to happen before anyone says anything. Siwon smiles and Jongwoon nods slightly and Jungsu is already across the room, setting out two more quilts and pillows.
And so the two boys stay with them and it turns out Ryeowook is an excellent cook and Kyuhyun’s got a talent for working the computers and Jongwoon immediately sets him on surveillance and technological duties. Kyuhyun is still distant, but not as defensive or surly and the fact he lets others around Ryeowook shows that he trusts them now. Ryeowook is a breath of fresh air, all sunny smiles and bright eyes, even in the morning. Everyone dots on them and Donghae doesn’t mind not being the youngest anymore, even taking on the hyung role and looking after Ryeowook and Kyuhyun.
That is until Hangeng spends most of his free time talking to Kyuhyun or in the kitchen with Ryeowook. Donghae knows that it’s pathetic to be jealous of two boys who barely have anything, but the twist in his stomach is frightfully possessive anyway.
-
It’s warm in the room and Donghae lies down on the bed next to Hangeng, who puts down his book and smiles at Donghae, a smile that is brighter than the sun, brighter than balloons and fireflies and everything else Donghae loves.
He reaches out a hand and Hangeng pulls off Donghae’s gloves, encasing cold hands in his own warmer ones. Hangeng pulls Donghae into his arms and the younger man snuggles closer, his hands against Hangeng’s chest and hot breath on his neck. Arms slide securely over his waist and Hangeng opens his mouth-
Donghae jerks awake, eyes snapping open and his hands reaching for a warmth that’s not there.
-
One night when he’s preparing for another confrontation with Kim Kibum’s crowd, Donghae overhears Jongwoon and Hangeng arguing.
“We could use extra people, you know that, Kim’s gang is at least-” Jongwoon’s voice was pitched low, but the frustration was clear.
Donghae sees Hangeng shake his head firmly, holding up a hand to stop their leader. “They’re just children, Jongwoon! Children with a bad past and no training, sending them out would be no different from taking a gun and shooting them dead yourself.” There’s a pause and Hangeng’s gaze is firm, “I’m not going to let you make them fight.”
Jongwoon bristles at the challenge to his authority and for a horrible moment, Donghae thought he was going to punch Hangeng, but then the tension leaks out of their leader’s shoulders and Jongwoon nods, rubbing a hand wearily across his face. “You’re right, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, even considering that.”
Hangeng smiles, eyes soft once more. “You carry the heaviest burden, Jongwoon, you’re allowed a few moments of confusion.”
The two of them share a chuckle, which fades as Jongwoon drops another question, one which has Donghae swallowing hard. “Why do you let Donghae stay then? He’s just a kid too.”
Hangeng freezes and even though Donghae can’t see his face at this angle, he knows that Hangeng’s eyes are sad; a sadness that only appears when it’s to do with Donghae. Donghae’s not sure if that’s a good thing or not. “You know why, Jongwoon. Donghae’s…different. It still makes me feel like a sinner though.”
Another chuckle, although this one much darker and Jongwoon lays a hand on Hangeng’s shoulder and squeezes lightly. “Then we’re both sinners.”
They both leave, but Donghae’s stuck were he’s been hiding, blood rushing in his ears, slightly overwhelmed and confused by the exchange. A trickle of hurt was snaking into his heart, because regardless of the fact that he would never leave, why did Hangeng let him put himself in danger, when he wasn’t even willing to risk two boys they’ve only known for a few months?
The worst thing wasn’t even the fact that Hangeng might not care about Donghae’s safety over his usefulness.
It was the fact that Donghae had always believed he had a special place in the older man’s heart; that Hangeng loved him more than the others in their little family.
-
Kyuhyun stops Hangeng as the rest of them are leaving and Donghae stops to listen even when he probably shouldn’t.
“You should’ve let us go, you guys could use more people.” Kyuhyun’s as abrupt and direct as always and he doesn’t shy away from the topic, nor does he avoid meeting the older man’s eyes, even if there is a trace of vulnerability in his gaze.
“We could,” Hangeng says calmly, “but not you two.”
Kyuhyun opens his mouth to argue, but Hangeng cuts him off. “I would rather fight twice as hard then have innocent kids take my place and get slaughtered.” Hangeng’s tone is cool and firm and Donghae can see Kyuhyun struggling.
“I’m not weak, not useless. I’m taller than Donghae and stronger than Jungsu, I can-” Kyuhyun is cut off when Hangeng reaches out and cups his face. “I know. I’m not saying you are Kyu-ah. You’re helping us more by being here, watching the computers and updating us on anything unexpected that pops up. You’ve got a pretty difficult task, if you don’t think you can handle-”
“I can!” Kyuhyun blurts out and then flushes, shuffling his feet and Hangeng chuckles at how easily manipulable the younger boy is. With a pat on the back for Kyuhyun, he turns to leave, smiling at Donghae.
“You know,” Kyuhyun calls out, “you’re pretty cool.” Then as Hangeng turns around and looks at him in surprise, he fumbles over his words, trying to cover his embarrassment. “I mean, for an old guy and all.”
Hangeng laughs, loud and clear, “I’ll show you just how cool this old guy is when I come back!” He winks, waving at Kyuhyun and turns, draping an arm over Donghae and they leave the youngest two behind and Donghae feels more insecure than ever.
-
Donghae doesn’t get injured, but the others do and Jongwoon is hissing at Jungsu for being so reckless, even as he carefully bandages the other man up. Hangeng is kneeling in front of Siwon, who is lying on the couch, shirt off and a nasty gash across his ribs.
“You know better than to take on three guys at once,” Hangeng was muttering under his breath, shooting Siwon glances that were half exasperated and half worried. “Stop trying to be a damn hero all the time, Shiyuan. I can protect myself.”
Siwon nods to Hangeng’s words, but there’s a smile at the corner of his lips, which blossom into a full grin at his Chinese name. Hangeng only slipped back into his mother tongue when he was worried. “I’ll be more careful next time.”
Hangeng throughs another glare at Siwon, but he breaks into a smile. “You better be you big dope, or I’m going to whoop your ass myself.”
The two of them share another laugh and Siwon reaches out a hand to brush Hangeng’s hair out of his face. Donghae’s stomach tightens and he quickly turns to Ryeowook when he sees Hangeng drop his head until he was resting on Siwon’s hip.
Siwon and Hangeng were best friends, have been for as long as Donghae remembers and probably a few years before that as well. They drink from the same cup, eat off each other’s hands and sleep curled up and hands resting carelessly. Donghae envied their closeness, the ease with which they talked and touched. He supposes that’s what best friends are like together and he likes Siwon he really does, but Donghae can’t help wish he can be Hangeng’s best friend. That he can just slide his arms around the older man’s waist and whisper words straight into his ear without anyone so much as giving them a second look.
-
Hangeng takes Donghae to visit Hyukjae as soon as things have settled down around town. Little Sungmin was barely old enough to crawl around and he was absolutely adorable in a way that made Donghae want to dance around like a monkey just to get him to laugh. He gazes in fascination at those innocent big eyes and soft, small hands and he can’t help but smile, wondering when he’ll meet the girl of his dreams and have adorable babies of his own.
They spend a day together, Hyukjae, Hangeng and him, looking after the baby and giving Sooyoung some much needed rest and quiet. The three of them sit on the floor like little kids and Donghae can’t help laugh at Hangeng with his thick, heavy boots and leather jacket trying to make a teddy bear dance. Sungmin crawls over to Donghae and pulls at his cheeks until they’re pink and smushes icecream into Donghae’s hair whilst Hyukjae laughed, making no move to help. Hangeng takes pity on Donghae and takes Sungmin into his lap and ends up with only a swipe of baby food across his cheek and lots of giggling in his ear.
“It’s not fair, how come Hangeng hyung doesn’t get abused!” Donghae complains, trying to clean away the melting icecream with a tissue.
Hyukjae makes a noise between a snort and an exclaimation, “he’s a baby Donghae, he can’t abuse you!” Hangeng laughs beside Donghae, his fringe falling into his eyes as he leans towards Donghae to stick another tissue to his sticky forehead.
“Babies just like me,” Hangeng says with a proud smile, which quickly turns teasing. “You did.”
“Hyung! I wasn’t a baby!” Donghae protests fiercely, glaring at the other two.
“I bet you were still in nappies!” Hyukjae chimes in, always one to jump on any teasing not directed at himself.
Donghae throws a pillow at Hyukjae. “I was five!”
Hyukjae shifts not so subtly behind Hangeng, before leaning over the oldest shoulder with a smirk. “Yeah and I bet you still needed nappies then!”
Donghae proceeds to chase Hyukjae around the room, much to Hangeng’s amusement and Sungmin’s excitement. They keep at it for so long that Hyukjae collapses on the floor and surrenders and Donghae collapses on the couch, too exhausted to even give the rascal his punishment.
Hangeng pulls him closer, brushing back Donghae’s hair and rubbing softly at his hip where Donghae had bumped it against the table corner before. “You alright? Is my baby tired?” Hangeng’s tone is gently teasing, but Donghae is too content to even argue back. They lie there on the couch together and even as Donghae’s breathing levels out, his heart pounds away in his chest as if he’s still running.
-
Donghae’s by himself today, doing rounds around town, which went much smoother than usual, meaning he was back long before anyone expected him. Siwon and Hangeng are out negotiating a deal with Kim Kibum’s people as well as checking up on Yoochun and Jaejoong across town. Kyuhyun and Ryeowook are with Hyukjae, since Ryeowook wanted to see the baby after Donghae had talked about him for hours after his visit.
He pulls up still thinking of babies and smiling to himself at the thought of Hangeng with a baby in each arm and a little toddler clinging to his leg, demanding to be fed. The lights are off in the building as they should be and he sighs loudly, wondering when the others will be done. Donghae’s not even sure where Jongwoon and Jungsu went, they were very secretive about when he had asked before, so he decides it’s something possibly illegal or at least bordering on it. Even after all these years, they still tend to keep him out of such things. The irony was that Kyuhyun handled most of the stuff that went on, everyone seeming to be unbothered that their youngest was dealing with stuff deemed too dark for Donghae and Ryeowook. Donghae rolls his eyes at the very thought.
He unlocks the door and lets himself in, preparing to sit in front of the television and pig out on nachos or something until one of the others come home. It wasn’t until he made it half way through the large room that Donghae hears noises from upstairs and tenses. He wasn’t alone.
Slowly and making sure to stay as silent as possible, he makes his way to the bottom of the stairs. Drawing his gun, he stays low and makes his way up carefully, until he can peek over the edge and see who is up here when they shouldn’t be. Whoever it was, Donghae decides when he’s halfway up, was making way too much noise to be professional. Maybe one of the others was back early; no intruder would possibly be making such a rackus. Plus, those noises sound strangely like…
He sees the figures in the darkness and even in the dim light, Donghae immediately knows who they are, even if his brain doesn’t quite register what he is seeing. It’s Jongwoon and he’s on the couch, his pants pulled down to his thighs and he’s bent over Jungsu, who is completely naked. Donghae almost cries out, but quickly slaps his hand over his mouth and bites down on his tongue. He closes his eyes, counts to ten and opens them again, but they are still there, still the same, Jongwoon thrusting deep into Jungsu, whose legs are wrapped tight around their leader’s waist, bringing him even closer.
They were having sex. Two men having sex with each other. Donghae feels faint, like someone took everything he knows and shook it around so nothing fits quite right anymore.
-
Jungsu is limping later and no one says anything, but Donghae can’t stop staring, because he’s seen this before, countless times before and had always thought it to be from a fight. Then he remembers that Hangeng would sometimes limp like this and the possibility is enough for Donghae to almost empty out his stomach right there in the middle of dinner.
It must be from a fight, it must be. That’s normal in their line of work, only Donghae’s not even sure what’s normal anymore.
Jongwoon’s always taken special care of Jungsu, but Donghae had always assumed it was because Jungsu was the oldest and didn’t have the best health. But now…maybe it’s not just because they are best friends, maybe it’s because they are lovers. And if Jongwoon and Jungsu were more than friends, then maybe Hangeng and Siwon-
His stomach lurches violently and Donghae drops his spoon.
-
“Did anything happen on your rounds?” The familiar voice interrupts Donghae’s brooding thoughts as he sits on the floor staring out at the sky.
He stiffens, but forces himself to relax and shake his head. “Of course not, hyung, I’m fine.”
Hangeng sits down on the floor beside Donghae, facing towards the window, but Donghae knows that Hangeng is staring at him.
He stares forwards determinedly, because once their eyes lock, Donghae’s scared he’ll blurt out everything, or worse, do something that’ll make Hangeng hate him.
“Hae…Donghai…”
After a few moments, Hangeng gives up whatever it was he was trying to say, closes his mouth and the words float off into the world, unfinished. Donghae leans his head against Hangeng’s shoulder and Hangeng, in turn, leans his head on top of Donghae’s.
They are still leaning against each other, eyes closed and breathing even when Ryeowook finds them the next morning.
-
He’s back in the room again, only this time it’s not warm, it’s cool and Donghae’s only in a singlet whilst Hangeng is shirtless. This time when he curls up against Hangeng, the hands that go around his waist don’t stop, they slide under the flimsy material of his shorts and long fingers curl around-
Donghae wakes up with a raging hard on and the feeling of Hangeng’s hand on his skin. Flushed and distracted, Donghae runs to the kitchen and stands there with the fridge door open and he’s not moving even as goosebumps dance all over his skin.
The dream was nothing new, the one where it’s just Hangeng and him, alone and enjoying each other’s presence, lost in their own little world. Only now, there’s too much touching, too much sensations and emotions that Donghae can’t handle or even really understand.
For as long as he’s been old enough to think about such things, Donghae has always thought he was meant to meet a girl who he’d love and care about and eventually have a family with, like Hyukjae did with Sooyoung. His hyungs were his life and he loved them, as they loved him, but they were family; brothers.
But now, with Jongwoon and Jungsu…
The realization comes to him as he’s staring at the carton of milk on the second self and it sends chills down his spine and hot flushes through his body at the same time. Men can love other men; can be with other men…so why can’t he be with Hangeng? He can love the other as more than a brother, as a lover, a mate. They can be together the others were, Hangeng pressing him into the couch, hips thrusting and skin sliding against skin-
Donghae gasps as he shakes his head to banish the impure thoughts, leaning heavily against the kitchen counter for support. The images refuse to leave though, snaking into his mind more and more vividly, until Donghae locks himself in the bathroom, and in the safety of darkness, slides a hand around himself and jerks off to the image of soft eyes and beautiful collarbones.
-
The next time he gets a few hours alone, Donghae gets a chair and reaches towards the top of the bookshelf and pulls down an old blue box with patterns of stars on it. He curls up on the couch and goes through the contents of the box slowly, a little teddy bear Hangeng gave him when he still cried for his parents, a small paper crane the other had folded for him out of a chewing gum wrapper, a Swiss army knife from their first lessons in self-defense. A broken watch, a little toy car, a few gold coins, some rusty keys. Everything, big or small had a story and Donghae remembers each one; holds it all in his heart like the most precious treasure. These things told their story, the special story of the two of them.
(of how donghae fell in love)
-
It’s a quiet kind of night, perfect for sitting down with a good book or to be curled up with a lover. Donghae spends the night out in the cold, getting his knuckles bloody and jaw bruised.
He tries not to pay attention to Hangeng, ducks a punch and drops down, sweeps his leg and cuts someone down, winces as he sees Hangeng cop a nasty right hook on the jaw. Someone lunges at his shoulder, Donghae twists out of the way, heart leaping into his throat as Hangeng groans and drops to the ground just to his right. A sharp pain blossoms in his shoulder as a result of his distraction.
Siwon kicks Donghae’s attacker in the face and bends to help Hangeng up and Donghae finds himself ducking down a side street, turning into an alleyway, swinging himself up and kicking two of the thugs in the face. He hurries down the street, rounds the corner and his heart drops when the others are nowhere to be seen, some bodies littering the ground, but thankfully none of their own.
A hand slaps over his mouth and Donghae kicks out immediately, the body behind him moving easily out of the way and twirls him around, Donghae slumping as he sees Hangeng.
He lets Hangeng take his hand and follows without a word.
-
They were both dirty and bloody when they made it to the hotel room, hair plastered to their faces and sticking to their necks. There’s blood from a gash on Hangeng’s cheekbones and a cut on his shoulder and he winced slightly as he moved over to the telephone and dialed Jungsu, telling the frantic man that they were okay and will head back tomorrow morning. Donghae was nursing his ankle, fumbling in his jacket for ointment and a glance at the large mirror on the wall, showed a nasty bruise already spreading across his jaw.
Hangeng was bent over the small table, as if catching his breath and Donghae takes the opportunity to trail his eyes down the lean muscles of his hyung’s shoulders and back, the curve of ass and those long legs; the soaked white wifebeater and black pants molding to wet skin and doing absolutely nothing to hide the older man’s figure.
He’s still staring when Hangeng turns around and pulls off his wifebeater, grabbing some towels from the bathroom and chucking one at Donghae. He pulls out his belt and peels off his pants, kicking them to the bathroom floor and towels himself clean in front of Donghae, who sits there frozen and unable to move.
Clearly his lack of movement catches Hangeng’s attention who frowns and moves closer, wrapping the towel dangerously low around his hips and cupping Donghae’s face. “Hae? Are you alright?” and when Donghae doesn’t answer, he bites his lips. “Do you want me to help you?”
Donghae’s mind is screaming at him to do something, because he doesn’t know what he’s going to do if Hangeng touches him anymore, but his tongue stubbornly refuses to work. The older man takes his silence for agreement and quickly peels back the shirt and pulls of the wifebeater Donghae wore and rubs him with the towel until his skin is clean and warm again. He stares worriedly at Donghae who remains wide eyed and frozen, pushing him back on his back. “You didn’t get a concussion did you?”
Donghae tries to think of something to say, but right at that moment Hangeng dips his fingers into the waistband of his boxers and pants and pulls them off. Donghae makes a choking sound in the back of his throat which turns into a loud gasp when Hangeng rubs his thighs with the towel, being careful around the bruise spreading across the bone. The sound makes Hangeng’s head shoot up and in the next second, Donghae’s staring up at a pair of concerned eyes. “What’s wrong? Hae, are you hurt? Don’t you dare keep an injury from me!” Hangeng runs his hands over Donghae’s bare shoulders, his arms, his leg and his ribs feeling for broken bones or dislocation. Then Hangeng flips him over to examine his back and Donghae snaps.
He turns back around and grabs the older man’s face in his hands and smashes their lips together. His jaw protests, but Donghae doesn’t care, wraps his arms around Hangeng’s neck and deepens the kiss desperately, hoping to anything and everything out there that the other will kiss him back.
Hangeng does, hesitantly at first, hands coming to rest on Donghae’s shoulders as if to push him away, but Donghae doesn’t give Hangeng any chance of rejecting him, firmly keeps their lips locked and soon he feels the soft mouth part beneath his and a tongue slipping out to meet his. They kiss each other until Donghae can’t remember how to breathe, Hangeng’s scent overwhelming him and he slips a hand between them to wrap around the older man’s member, to tell the other that he wants this, needs this. Hangeng gasps into his mouth and Donghae heart flutters as Hangeng’s hands wrap around his waist.
Things are too intense to stop now, not that Donghae would ever want it to stop, this thing he’s been dreaming about. Hangeng’s pressing him to the bed now, leaning over him and a thrill shoots all the way up his spine when their erections touch accidentally. Hangeng reaches out blindly, hand fumbling on the bed for the ointment Donghae had used before and squirts a generous amount onto his hands. Donghae watches the other coat his member and use the rest between Donghae’s legs, thoughts flashing a thousand miles an hour and he opens his mouth tell Hangeng how he feels, but shuts it at the last moment, not wanting to scare the other away. He thinks his heart might stop it’s pounding so hard, but he just clings closer; stopping is beyond him right now. Even if this was just a one-night thing, Donghae would at least have the knowledge that he’d shared this intimacy with Hangeng.
Hangeng looks like he wants to say something as well, maybe to tell Donghae that he doesn’t want this and Donghae panics, hands grabbing at the older man and spreading his legs. “Please hyung, please, I need this. Even if it’s just for tonight, could you please-”
He’s cut off by Hangeng kissing him, hard this time, almost angrily and Donghae thinks that maybe he shouldn’t have said anything, because he sees the pain flash through Hangeng’s eyes, just before they squeezed shut. A hand slides along his ass and a finger pushes inside his ring of muscles, making Donghae gasp loudly, fingers tightening in Hangeng’s hair. A second finger enters as soon as Donghae begins wriggling his hips and it hurts, but he grits his teeth until the heated pleasure starts to creep in again. The next one makes him throw his head back and cry out, body jerking and it takes a few minutes to make him relax. Hangeng takes his time preparing him and Donghae is writhling with need for more, hips bucking into Hangeng’s hand instinctively.
Then Hangeng grips Donghae’s hips and mouthes at the hollow of his throat as distraction, hard length pushing in slowly. It’s still enough to make Donghae scream, eyes wide and hands clenching in the sheets. He struggles to adjust to the fullness filling him and tries to distract himself by looking at Hangeng. It’s a mistake, because Hangeng is watching him and those beautiful eyes that Donghae loves is filled with pain and guilt, glossed over but not entirely with lust. Hangeng is moving his hips, thrusting into Donghae perfectly, hands hot on his skin and lips sinfully red, but Donghae feels his stomach drop out because the other man was hurting even as the sounds he made suggested otherwise. But then Hangeng hits something inside him and Donghae’s brain stops, mouth falling open, desperate moans escaping with each thrust.
It wasn’t that Donghae hasn’t had sex before, the guys took care of that on his eighteenth birthday with a trip to the strip club, a few drinks and a busty redhead who promised to take real good care of him and did exactly that for the rest of the night.
But having slightly drunken sex with a prostitute was nothing like sleeping with the man he’s loved for almost all his life.
And it was true, Donghae realizes in that moment, a whimper escaping him as Hangeng lifted his hips and thrusted in even deeper. He loved Hangeng. Completely, without doubt; has been for possibly the last fifteen years.
Hangeng tenses and buries his face in Donghae’s neck, releasing deep within Donghae and in that moment, there was only pure ecstasy on Hangeng’s face. It’s enough for Donghae to unravel, body shaking and tears flooding his eyes as he comes, Hangeng’s name on his tongue.
“Hyung…I-I…” Donghae begins, his heart pounding too fast to be healthy. They tell each other everything, it shouldn’t be this hard to confess.
“Go to sleep Donghae-ah, it’s late, I know what you want to say, you don’t have to say it.” Hangeng’s voice was low and tight, as if even talking hurt him. Donghae closes his eyes, heart aching in his chest and he turns his back on the other so Hangeng can’t see him cry. It’s too late though and Hangeng’s eyes darken at the sight of Donghae’s tears, hands clenching and the guilt flooding off him in waves that Donghae could drown in.
He doesn’t sleep that night, even if he pretends to, so when Hangeng reaches over and brushes back his fringe, muttering a teary apology against his neck, Donghae hears and it makes his heart clench for making his hyung do something he so clearly regrets.
-
The next morning, they both act like nothing happened, but there’s a strain between them, raw enough to make Donghae almost wish they had another fight tonight.
He reaches out to touch Hangeng’s arm, but he can see the tension in the other man’s shoulders and his hand drops away. “Hyung.”
Hangeng stops, but doesn’t turn around, his voice soft and eyes sad, infinitely sad and Donghae doesn’t even need to see them to know.
“Hyung, I…can we take the bus?” Donghae starts and stumbles, falling over his words, like a child at an orphanage waiting for someone to pick him, please pick me, and when they don’t that feeling of not being wanted-
They do take the bus, one with worn blue seats and a huge picture of some girl band Siwon likes painted on the side. They sit in the back row, Donghae next to the window and they don’t talk, Hangeng watching a beer can rolling up and down the aisle and Donghae looking at the passing scenery without seeing.
It’s not fair, Donghae thinks, barely holding back the tears. That one night of intimacy, of giving into his desires, has in fact wedged them further apart.
-
Donghae’s sick, head throbbing and throat parched; an ache that’s fleets somewhere between his jaw and his chest. With a shiver, he buries his face in his pillow and the world spins around him anyway.
It’s been more than a week and Donghae has barely seen Hangeng, let alone talk to him. He’s busy, Kyuhyun says, scratching his neck and it’s a lie, because no matter how mature Kyuhyun appeared to be, he was still a kid. A kid that hasn’t been forced to learn to lie in order to survive and Donghae can read him as easy as an open book.
It hurts to know that what he had done has upset Hangeng, has hurt Hangeng in some way and worst of all, that Hangeng loves him dearly as a dongsaeng and Donghae had abused that love. The way Donghae had pushed it that night, to reject him would have broken his heart and Hangeng never does anything that hurts Donghae’s feelings, not even if it’s his own that has to be sacrificed.
“Hyung, are you okay?”
It’s Ryeowook, bearing soup and Donghae drops the themometer in his hands. He mumbles something about being fine, being tired, being bored, something perfectly reasonable that would make the younger man leave.
He doesn’t, instead staring at him in concern and Donghae leans away, hand gripping the edge of the bed, images of tears and apologies and pained eyes flashing before him. With a snarl, he shoves Ryeowook away. “Fuck off.”
The soup spills all over the blankets and the floor.
There’s a small cry of shock and hurt from the younger, but Donghae doesn’t back down or soften. He’s already lost everything, what does it matter now?
Ryeowook scrambles out of the room and Donghae balls his hands into fists, leans over and dry heaves violently.
-
“I really shouldn’t have, Chunnie.” It’s Hangeng’s voice, even if it’s a little slurred and Donghae feels cold knowing that Hangeng’s talking about what happened between them.
Jungsu had sent him to pick Hangeng up from Yoochun’s place, where the older man had crashed last night, but this is enough to send Donghae jerking backwards, hands flying off the door knob, it burns, but not as much his stomach, which doesn’t even really make sense in the first place, because it should be his heart-
The door swings open fully and Donghae opens his mouth and closes it again, because what really is there to say when Jaejoong is staring at him and he’s standing there like the lost little kid he tries so hard not to be.
Jaejoong steps out, but he doesn’t close the door, leaves it open even if he doesn’t ask Donghae to come in. Jaejoong gives him a small smile, big for Jaejoong, and it reads, get in there, so Donghae does, because Jaejoong’s intimidating even when he’s smiling.
Steps past the shoes clustered on the floor (he sees Hangeng’s boots and bends down to straighten them without thinking), edges past the highly inconvenient drawer squashed against the wall and Donghae’s got one hand on the doorframe of the room, when there’s a choked cry and everything drains out of him and onto the pale lilac carpet.
Hangeng was crying. Because of what they did, Donghae thinks horrified; because he regrets it so much.
He’s thrown back in time and he kinda wishes he wasn’t. There’s blood on his shirt and over his hands and police sirens howling in the distance, Donghae’s tugging at Hangeng and Siwon’s pulling at them both, hurry up, come on we can deal with this later, damn it guys, move. There’s a certain ugliness about colourful flowers at a funeral, especial purple ones, but Junsu had liked them so very much, grown his own in fact and Donghae shivers at the thought of burying Junsu with his own flowers. There’s crying, Jungsu sobbing hopelessly and Siwon making these awful raspy noises, but it’s Hangeng Donghae can’t look away from, standing at the back, eyes hollow and wide with pain, the tears spilling down his cheeks silently and Donghae tears his eyes away because it’s just so awful.
Donghae tries to move back, but he steps forward instead his brain is so fried and seeing is worse than hearing, not least of all because Hangeng is lying in Yoochun’s lap, palm curled around one knee and Yoochun was stroking Hangeng’s hair, face scrunched up as if he wanted to cry or maybe lean down and kiss those tears away.
It’s at times like this, the disjointed quiet moments, of tragedy or shock or bubbly joy or even that moment caught between dreams and wakefulness, that Donghae knows he’s in too deep. He has a life, a job even if it wasn’t the normal kind, friends, enemies and a duty and Donghae forces his mind to shut down, because fuck, not everything is about Hangeng damn it.
(even if it seems like it)
-
The crash and the subsequent slam of the door has Hangeng tensing in Yoochun’s lap. Hangeng’s halfway out the door, feet bare and hair in his eyes, before his shoulders slump.
“You should go after him,” Yoochun chides gently, even as he opens his arms and pulls Hangeng closer.
There’s a moment of tense silence and when Hangeng looks up again, there’s such guilt in those eyes that Yoochun instinctively tightens his hold.
“I don’t deserve him, Yoochun-ah.” Hangeng chokes out, voice harsh. Angrily, he wipes his tears away. “I love him so much, tried to protect him from so much, but it's me who ended up hurting him. Now, Donghae won’t even talk to me, he probably hates me- he should hate me. I abused his trust in me and-”
Yoochun grabs Hangeng’s head and tucks it against his neck. “No one can hate you, Geng. Not even Kim Kibum.”
Hangeng can’t help laugh at that, letting out a little hiccup and poking Yoochun in the thigh, before sobering, “Chunnie, what am I going to do?”
-
Donghae has another dream, more explicit than ever now that he’s actually experienced the real thing, large hands between his legs, long fingers crooked in just the right way, a hot mouth against the dip of his throat. It’s just pity sex, the Hangeng is his dream hisses, I felt sorry for you, because you were so pathetic. Donghae cries out, gasping as his hips bucking desperately, slow, ever so slow and it burns all the way up Donghae’s spine, hot enough for him to still feel it when he wakes up panting.
It’s all sorts of pathetic to be still getting aroused so easily and he’s in the kitchen again, only this time Donghae is adamant on not jerking off. He stands at the counter, knuckles going white as he grips the edge, breathing harsh and body trembling as he fights the heat and the images and the hurt.
“Donghae,” the voice comes from directly behind him, echoing hollowly in the empty kitchen and Donghae tenses knowing it’s Hangeng, not turning around in fear he betrays his flushed state.
“Hae? Are you okay?” Hangeng says, concernedly, hands wrapping around Donghae’s upper arms and Donghae turns almost reflexively, reaching out without thinking, fingers brushing against bare skin and holding on tightly even as the contact sends tingles up his arms.
“Hyung, I- hyung, I can’t do this anymore,” Donghae chokes out, fingers clenching in the loose shirt Hangeng is wearing.
He shouldn’t be this weak, Jongwoon had taught them from the very start to never show weakness, not even with those you think you trust, you never know when they’ll stab you in the back. And those betrayals hurt right in your fucking chest. Donghae still remembers Jongwoon’s expression clearly, but he’s clinging helplessly, like a ragdoll and having Hangeng so close after what seems so horribly long, has his knees buckling.
“I’m sorry,” Hangeng whispers and Donghae isn’t sure what he’s apologizing for, but it’s enough, more than enough for Donghae who had been ready to fling himself at Hangeng’s feet and beg to be forgiven, or at least not be ignored anymore, please hyung I’ll do anything, I can’t live without you. I love you, he thinks but doesn’t say.
Hangeng’s got him pressed against the kitchen counter, both arms around Donghae’s waist, but it’s not sexual, just two people holding each other because they care, they were stupid, they love each other even if they didn't say and god, let’s never do that again.
-
Tonight, Donghae promises himself as he tries to get Ryeowook to help him make something that wasn’t jajangmyeon. He’ll tell Hangeng tonight, fears be damned, because who really knew when something might happen and he’s kept it inside for so long that it’s bursting through beyond his control.
He’s pouring something that should be alchohol, but could very well be vinegar into the pan, when the door slams open downstairs and even above the sizzle of the pan, Donghae can hear the groans of pain. Jongwoon stalks past him, bleeding at the lip, expression thunderous. Jungsu fleets between Jongwoon and Hangeng who had blood dripping from a gash across his cheekbone. Siwon was nursing a small, but deep cut on his brow and it’s Siwon who tells them about the new gang in town. Kibum is dead, Siwon says with a carefully neutral tone, they wiped out his whole gang. Siwon isn’t sad, but his tone isn’t happy either and Donghae understands, because at least Kim Kibum could be reasoned with.
Attack is the best defence, Jongwoon growls dabbing at his lip. We’re going out tonight, get ready guys. Everyone nods and Hangeng grabs a towel next to Donghae to wipe off the blood, only for it to spill forth anew, sickeningly vivid against the pale skin.
The spatula drops from his hand and gets sauce all over the kitchen counter.
-
It’s barely twenty-four hours since their moment in the kitchen and it feels a lifetime away as Donghae wraps his hands in tape, tight and round twice and pulled tight again.
He leaves the dinner for Ryeowook and Kyuhyun, knowing they’ll likely do nothing but stand by the phone and wait anxiously. Maybe some things just weren’t meant to be.
It starts raining as they walk towards the meeting point, the loud, heavy kind that hurts if you get it in your eye; cold enough to burn the skin like fire. Liquid fire, only fire can’t be liquid and Donghae stops dead, because suddenly they are here, and there’s at least a dozen men in front of them and all he can think is oh fuck, before someone punches Jongwoon in the face and Donghae’s thinking, double fuck.
There’s a cry, a growl from either Hangeng or Siwon and then they’re thrown together, hands curled into fists and striking, once on the jaw, another on the nose, hitting whatever surface they can manage and trying not to get hit too much in return.
The rain’s still pouring fast and hard and it’s kind of poetic, Donghae thinks detachedly, mind hanging in the moment, adrift, even as his body swings and ducks and gets thrown around faster than he can probably take.
He’s used to this, he can do this, fighting is second-nature to him and Donghae had his first bloody lip when he was seven and his arm in a cast by his ninth birthday. He can do this.
Jungsu goes down with a scream and a snap of bone that makes Donghae’s stomach turn, all edge and agony. Jongwoon’s neck snaps around so fast Donghae’s scared that it might break as well, and he throws a man over his shoulder, kicks another in the stomach, jerking to the right as Jongwoon sends the man responsible flying past. He lands with a sickening crunch and Donghae looks away, hands reaching up to block a punch aimed at his temple, growling as someone tackles him from behind.
Siwon’s a few meters away, taking on four people at the same time and Hangeng was doing the same thing, long legs kicking with deadly precision and skill. Jungsu’s up again, cradling his wrist and relying on his legs, staying close to Jongwoon who was fighting twice as hard, eyes blazing with anger.
Donghae’s head snaps to the side, a fist flying out of nowhere and hitting him so hard, he hits the ground, head spinning and eyes flashing white. Hands yank at him and he cops a kick in the stomach and time slows as he stares up as the man sneers down at him, raising a thick, metal plated boot up. The boot descends, ready to crush his skull and Donghae struggles as hard as he can, unable to get free with the two men holding him down.
This is when his life should flash past, Donghae thinks, that film reel of the life of Lee Donghae in glorious fastforward. It doesn’t work though and Donghae skips the first seven years altogether and he lands on his eighth birthday, shooting for toys in an arcade with Hangeng and declaring that he was going to marry the older man, have three kids and buy a house and it’s okay because he’s eight.
It skips too many years in between and settles on a moment just days before, in the kitchen with Ryeowook and Kyuhyun, Donghae watching them bake and watching the adoration in Kyuhyun’s eyes, simple and open and Donghae wishes he could be like that with Hangeng.
There’s not enough time for his movie and Donghae closes his eyes and braces for the pain, sorry that he never got to confess, disappointed that he had to go like this, alone, in the hands of strangers instead of the one person he had spent his whole life with.
He’s dropped to the ground and Donghae rolls and stands quickly, heart leaping in his chest as he sees his would-be killer drop to the ground and Hangeng staring at him, eyes blazing. They reach for each other clumsily and then they’re back to back, arms linking and Donghae suddenly feels alive again.
Someone kicks Hangeng in the ribs and Donghae throws himself forward, slamming the man into the ground with a kick and punches him hard enough to almost break his hand.
There’s a snap as Siwon twists a man’s head sharply and then there was silence, save for the rain and heavy breathing.
It was over.
-
Siwon and Jongwoon are helping Jungsu, who injured his leg as well, the two men practically carrying the eldest along, despite his protests.
Donghae and Hangeng follow behind, walking a little slower due to their injuries, but it isn’t until Hangeng doubles over and coughs out a little blood that Donghae’s frayed nerves finally snap.
He’s making a noise that sounds like he’s being strangled and cut open at the same time, teeth biting through his lip, shaking hard enough to rattle his teeth and he clutches tight enough at Hangeng to leave bruises for weeks. Water’s running into his eyes, but he keeps them wide open, tittering on the edge of something that he tries to convey, but only spills from his tongue in a jumbled mess of sounds.
Face, neck, shoulders, hair, eyes, collarbone, Donghae’s touching anything he can reach, running his hands up and down wet skin and soaked hair, fingers loose and uncontrolled and he doesn’t stop until Hangeng grabs his neck and pulls him close enough to breathe each other in and oh, oh, they are breathing each other in. Hangeng’s breathing at least, Donghae’s not sure anymore. There’s a mouth moving against his and it’s so soft that Donghae parts his own to take in more, soft and warm, hot against cold skin (a cold heart), gentle in a way that speak of love and passionate in a way that makes Donghae’s leg buckle, because it tastes like love, real love, as in I’m in love with you and not just I care about you. It’s unthinkable and Donghae gasps shakily, sight blurring as Hangeng’s fingers thread through his hair and the hand curled around his hip tightens possessively.
Hangeng pulls away, eyes dark and breathing uneven, his hand still against Donghae’s nape. “I took advantage of you that night. I was selfish, because I knew I’d probably never get such a chance again. I’m sorry, I just wanted it so bad.” He brushes his fingers across Donghae’s cheek, “and I’m sorry for this.”
“F-for what?” Donghae’s not even sure how he’s still capable of speaking, the way Hangeng is looking at him.
“For being selfish again.” With that, Hangeng bends down to kiss Donghae’s cheek, before moving onto the corner of his mouth, “and again.” Moving so close, their breath mingled, Hangeng captures Donghae’s lips again, sending sparks flying down his spine and Donghae wraps both arms around Hangeng’s neck and kisses back hard, tongue pushing against the Hangeng’s, fighting and moving until his bruised jaw started to ache.
Hangeng looks properly kissed, lips red and swollen, eyes dark. He lets out a breathless little laugh, but his words are serious. “I plan to be selfish for a very long time, Hae-yah, so I’m sorry.”
Donghae quakes inside at the words, stunned at his own stupidity and misunderstanding, eyes sparkling and disbelieving as he gazes at the other man. “I thought you hated it…that you didn’t want me. That you regretted being with me that night? That my love was-”
Hangeng'a eyes widen at the words and it takes a moment for the realization to settle in; of how they loved each other, of how stupid they both are. Hangeng pulls him into tight hug, breath hot against his neck, but not as hot as the stir in his heart. “You mean the world to me Hae, I could never regret anything if it’s with you.”
The tears spill forth freely enough, but stop just as quickly when Hangeng presses Donghae against the alley wall and trails his mouth down Donghae’s neck, sucking at the dip in the soft throat and Donghae’s too busy moaning and bucking his hips to do anything else.
It wasn’t someday and they weren’t somewhere quiet and safe and away from the hurt, Donghae thinks of his dream as his eyelashes flutter shut and his breathing picks up. But they had each other, just Hangeng and Donghae and there’s nothing else he’d rather have.
//
omg guys what is this skjafsklfsf.
Pairing: Hangeng/Donghae, side pairings: Kyuwook, Yeteuk, Eunhae friendship, Jaechun etc
Genre: angst, smut
Rating: R
Summary: Brought up in a world of rivalry, blood and fighting, and not able to have what he wants most, Donghae dreams of a better future. But in realtiy, he's just dreaming for love.
Word count: approx. 9380 holy cactus
A/N: for static_abyss my amazing fellow gengwhore who i promised this long time ago and the ever-lovely summer0smiles who keeps all hanhae lovers happy ^^
based off this:
Someday (we'll be in love)
Another night fighting out on the streets and Donghae thinks it’s just so wrong, how normal it has become. One night, it’ll be with the gang across the river over some dispute over the bridge, another time it will be with a neighbouring group over land boundaries. They’d go out, sometimes with weapons and they’d fight, brutal and bloody and come out mostly roughed up, but victorious. Split skin, heavy bruises and broken bones; Donghae had long grown used to them.
Warm hands touch his shoulders and Donghae knows them well enough to stop his instinctive reaction to defend and attack. Instead he lets himself relax, head dropping back until he was leaning against the man behind him, a small smile drifting onto his lips at the famililar sense of peace the other brings.
“Hangeng hyung.”
Hangeng smiles at him, walking in front of Donghae and kneeling before him, taking Donghae’s hand, untying the bandages and wrapping them up properly. “You alright Hae?”
“Of course.” The words come out instinctively, neutral with a bit of edge that suggests the end of that conversation. It’s Hangeng though, not just one of the others and Donghae drops the attitude, his tone softening. “I’m alright hyung, just a few small cuts to take care of and I’ll be good as new.”
There’s a sad look that comes into Hangeng’s eyes as he watches Donghae, as if he’s staring at something beautiful that’s been broken. This was their life now though and no matter how much he might wish to, it wasn’t in Hangeng’s power to change it. Donghae knew none of them were happy with letting him fight, but one fight had turned into two, two into five and they needed him as part of the gang, whether they wanted it or not.
“Get some sleep, Hae. You and I have to get up nice and early for a trip downtown.” Hangeng ruffles Donghae’s hair and then he’s gone, down the stairs and Donghae doesn’t close his eyes until the sounds of boots against metal fades completely.
How he wishes he can be a kid again; reach out for Hangeng and ask him to stay.
-
It’s barely seven in the morning and Donghae’s hurtling through the empty streets on the back of Hangeng’s motorbike, the chilly air blasting the sleep from his eyes.
They don’t talk, it’s hard to hear over the engine and the wind, but Donghae lets his arms tighten over Hangeng’s waist and he wishes he could take this helmet off so he can press his cheek against the older man’s back. Even so, he’s happy, light almost, because there’s no one else here, only the two of them moving together.
They round a corner and the bike swerves sharply as Hangeng tries to avoid some drunk man falling all over himself. Hangeng curses and puts a hand over Donghae’s as if to reassure him and Donghae clutches tighter and somehow he’s never felt safer.
-
The trip is because someone owes them money and whilst Jongwoon is not nearly as cold-hearted as some of the other bosses, a debt is still a debt and it must be paid.
It’s a small shop they look after that’s been a few months behind on their payment. The owner isn’t malicious, just sneaky and incredibly possessive of his money. Taking money from him was as difficult and seemingly as painful for the man, as peeling his skin. Hopefully it won’t have to come to that, Donghae thinks faintly, even if Jongwoon was getting very impatient.
Hangeng leaves Donghae outside with the bike despite his protests and even if he doesn’t want to, Donghae obeys, because for him, Hangeng’s word is law.
There’s hardly any noise coming from within, the occasional shatter of a plate or a cup, a faint cry of pain, but no gunshots, so Donghae stays where he is, albeit figeting constantly, eyes glued to the door and ready to run in at any sign of trouble.
The door opens and Donghae tenses, but it’s Hangeng who walks out, pulling on his gloves and Donghae knows that he’s hiding bruised and bloody knuckles. Hangeng nods at him, eyes blank and jaw hard, slipping a stuffed envelope to Donghae and he tucks it safely into his jacket, before tossing the keys to the older man.
They pull away from the curb and Donghae wraps his arms around his hyung, breathing easy for the first time in nearly twenty minutes.
Donghae thinks of Hangeng’s eyes and his heart is heavy. One day, he swears, one day they’ll leave all this behind; move somewhere far away, somewhere quiet and live in a way that doesn’t involve hurting others and themselves.
-
Hyukjae visits one day, passing a sealed parcel to Jungsu and throwing a fish plushie at Donghae with a gummy grin. Donghae scowls and complains how he’s not a kid anymore, but his eyes are bright and Hyukjae just grabs him in a headlock and everyone else watches with a smile.
There used to be a time when Hyukjae was always around, sleeping on the couch and drooling over Donghae’s arm, fighting Siwon for the last spoonful whenever Hangeng cooked. Hyukjae was never officially part of the gang, but he might as well have been, might have actually been, if not for the attack on his girlfriend. They’d taken care of the ones who did it, but the incident had made Hyukjae truly understand what he was putting at risk. Still, Hyukjae had never stopped giving them information, a new shipping container Kim Kibum was smuggling in, an underground brothel over at Chinatown, extra patrols on the weekend…
They don’t go out that night, bolting the doors of the warehouse that is their headquarters and sitting on the floor upstairs, chewing on takeaway food and guzzling beer. Hyukjae tells them Sooyoung’s pregnant and Hangeng and Siwon both clap him on the back whilst Jungsu beams like he’s the one having a baby and even Jongwoon smiles contently at the news. Donghae pokes Hyukjae in the leg and says he hopes the baby looks like Sooyoung. Hyukjae whacks him on the arm for it.
Jongwoon shakes his head as he empties his beer bottle. “How is it that you’re becoming a father and you two still fight like cats and dogs?”
They both start arguing again and Jongwoon shuts them up by throwing chip packets at their faces. The beer flows as does the good humour and Donghae laughs until his jaw hurts because Jungsu was imitating Jongwoon on the toilet and Hangeng had drawn a moustache on Siwon.
Donghae hasn’t seen his parents since he was five, but he thinks this is what family feels like.
-
He wakes up in the middle of the night and Donghae blinks a few times, because he’s passed out on Hyukjae’s bony leg and his feet is up on the couch. A glance around the room shows Jongwoon and Jungsu sprawled on the other side of the room and Hangeng- Donghae’s breath catches in his throat- curled up on the rug with Siwon, his head pressed into Siwon’s shoulders.
Donghae doesn’t know what to do, because he wants to go over there and pull them apart, but he can’t, he can’t because he has no reason to. They’ve all slept pressed together and after so many years, it shouldn’t matter. He turns away and stares at the wall and his heart tells him that it does matter, it does.
-
Nothing really happens for a few months, little scruffles here and there and there is a sort of nervous energy floating around, as if something big is brewing. Then one day, Siwon and Jungsu comes back with thunderous expressions and two boys in tow. They found the two being sold into an illegal prostitution ring and Donghae glances sympathetically at the boys even younger than himself, feeling a heavy churn of disgust at the thought of perverted old men abusing their innocence.
The taller boy is distant and weary, gaze distrusting and his stance tense as he sits in the chair, a hand clasped protectively over the shorter boy’s arm beside him. The other boy is sweet, eyes and face innocent, but not naïve and he swings his legs back and forth as Jungsu asks him questions. His name is Ryeowook and despite their height, his actually older than his friend- Kyuhyun-ah, stop being so unfriendly!- and they ran away because they had a disagreement with Ryeowook’s father.
Jongwoon frowns, his lip pursing into a thin line, but then Kyuhyun cuts in, tone exasperated, but eyes dark and serious. “Yeah, if a disagreement involves his father bashing the shit out of him every day.”
Jungsu’s eyes immediately soften and so do Hangeng’s and Donghae knows what’s going to happen before anyone says anything. Siwon smiles and Jongwoon nods slightly and Jungsu is already across the room, setting out two more quilts and pillows.
And so the two boys stay with them and it turns out Ryeowook is an excellent cook and Kyuhyun’s got a talent for working the computers and Jongwoon immediately sets him on surveillance and technological duties. Kyuhyun is still distant, but not as defensive or surly and the fact he lets others around Ryeowook shows that he trusts them now. Ryeowook is a breath of fresh air, all sunny smiles and bright eyes, even in the morning. Everyone dots on them and Donghae doesn’t mind not being the youngest anymore, even taking on the hyung role and looking after Ryeowook and Kyuhyun.
That is until Hangeng spends most of his free time talking to Kyuhyun or in the kitchen with Ryeowook. Donghae knows that it’s pathetic to be jealous of two boys who barely have anything, but the twist in his stomach is frightfully possessive anyway.
-
It’s warm in the room and Donghae lies down on the bed next to Hangeng, who puts down his book and smiles at Donghae, a smile that is brighter than the sun, brighter than balloons and fireflies and everything else Donghae loves.
He reaches out a hand and Hangeng pulls off Donghae’s gloves, encasing cold hands in his own warmer ones. Hangeng pulls Donghae into his arms and the younger man snuggles closer, his hands against Hangeng’s chest and hot breath on his neck. Arms slide securely over his waist and Hangeng opens his mouth-
Donghae jerks awake, eyes snapping open and his hands reaching for a warmth that’s not there.
-
One night when he’s preparing for another confrontation with Kim Kibum’s crowd, Donghae overhears Jongwoon and Hangeng arguing.
“We could use extra people, you know that, Kim’s gang is at least-” Jongwoon’s voice was pitched low, but the frustration was clear.
Donghae sees Hangeng shake his head firmly, holding up a hand to stop their leader. “They’re just children, Jongwoon! Children with a bad past and no training, sending them out would be no different from taking a gun and shooting them dead yourself.” There’s a pause and Hangeng’s gaze is firm, “I’m not going to let you make them fight.”
Jongwoon bristles at the challenge to his authority and for a horrible moment, Donghae thought he was going to punch Hangeng, but then the tension leaks out of their leader’s shoulders and Jongwoon nods, rubbing a hand wearily across his face. “You’re right, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, even considering that.”
Hangeng smiles, eyes soft once more. “You carry the heaviest burden, Jongwoon, you’re allowed a few moments of confusion.”
The two of them share a chuckle, which fades as Jongwoon drops another question, one which has Donghae swallowing hard. “Why do you let Donghae stay then? He’s just a kid too.”
Hangeng freezes and even though Donghae can’t see his face at this angle, he knows that Hangeng’s eyes are sad; a sadness that only appears when it’s to do with Donghae. Donghae’s not sure if that’s a good thing or not. “You know why, Jongwoon. Donghae’s…different. It still makes me feel like a sinner though.”
Another chuckle, although this one much darker and Jongwoon lays a hand on Hangeng’s shoulder and squeezes lightly. “Then we’re both sinners.”
They both leave, but Donghae’s stuck were he’s been hiding, blood rushing in his ears, slightly overwhelmed and confused by the exchange. A trickle of hurt was snaking into his heart, because regardless of the fact that he would never leave, why did Hangeng let him put himself in danger, when he wasn’t even willing to risk two boys they’ve only known for a few months?
The worst thing wasn’t even the fact that Hangeng might not care about Donghae’s safety over his usefulness.
It was the fact that Donghae had always believed he had a special place in the older man’s heart; that Hangeng loved him more than the others in their little family.
-
Kyuhyun stops Hangeng as the rest of them are leaving and Donghae stops to listen even when he probably shouldn’t.
“You should’ve let us go, you guys could use more people.” Kyuhyun’s as abrupt and direct as always and he doesn’t shy away from the topic, nor does he avoid meeting the older man’s eyes, even if there is a trace of vulnerability in his gaze.
“We could,” Hangeng says calmly, “but not you two.”
Kyuhyun opens his mouth to argue, but Hangeng cuts him off. “I would rather fight twice as hard then have innocent kids take my place and get slaughtered.” Hangeng’s tone is cool and firm and Donghae can see Kyuhyun struggling.
“I’m not weak, not useless. I’m taller than Donghae and stronger than Jungsu, I can-” Kyuhyun is cut off when Hangeng reaches out and cups his face. “I know. I’m not saying you are Kyu-ah. You’re helping us more by being here, watching the computers and updating us on anything unexpected that pops up. You’ve got a pretty difficult task, if you don’t think you can handle-”
“I can!” Kyuhyun blurts out and then flushes, shuffling his feet and Hangeng chuckles at how easily manipulable the younger boy is. With a pat on the back for Kyuhyun, he turns to leave, smiling at Donghae.
“You know,” Kyuhyun calls out, “you’re pretty cool.” Then as Hangeng turns around and looks at him in surprise, he fumbles over his words, trying to cover his embarrassment. “I mean, for an old guy and all.”
Hangeng laughs, loud and clear, “I’ll show you just how cool this old guy is when I come back!” He winks, waving at Kyuhyun and turns, draping an arm over Donghae and they leave the youngest two behind and Donghae feels more insecure than ever.
-
Donghae doesn’t get injured, but the others do and Jongwoon is hissing at Jungsu for being so reckless, even as he carefully bandages the other man up. Hangeng is kneeling in front of Siwon, who is lying on the couch, shirt off and a nasty gash across his ribs.
“You know better than to take on three guys at once,” Hangeng was muttering under his breath, shooting Siwon glances that were half exasperated and half worried. “Stop trying to be a damn hero all the time, Shiyuan. I can protect myself.”
Siwon nods to Hangeng’s words, but there’s a smile at the corner of his lips, which blossom into a full grin at his Chinese name. Hangeng only slipped back into his mother tongue when he was worried. “I’ll be more careful next time.”
Hangeng throughs another glare at Siwon, but he breaks into a smile. “You better be you big dope, or I’m going to whoop your ass myself.”
The two of them share another laugh and Siwon reaches out a hand to brush Hangeng’s hair out of his face. Donghae’s stomach tightens and he quickly turns to Ryeowook when he sees Hangeng drop his head until he was resting on Siwon’s hip.
Siwon and Hangeng were best friends, have been for as long as Donghae remembers and probably a few years before that as well. They drink from the same cup, eat off each other’s hands and sleep curled up and hands resting carelessly. Donghae envied their closeness, the ease with which they talked and touched. He supposes that’s what best friends are like together and he likes Siwon he really does, but Donghae can’t help wish he can be Hangeng’s best friend. That he can just slide his arms around the older man’s waist and whisper words straight into his ear without anyone so much as giving them a second look.
-
Hangeng takes Donghae to visit Hyukjae as soon as things have settled down around town. Little Sungmin was barely old enough to crawl around and he was absolutely adorable in a way that made Donghae want to dance around like a monkey just to get him to laugh. He gazes in fascination at those innocent big eyes and soft, small hands and he can’t help but smile, wondering when he’ll meet the girl of his dreams and have adorable babies of his own.
They spend a day together, Hyukjae, Hangeng and him, looking after the baby and giving Sooyoung some much needed rest and quiet. The three of them sit on the floor like little kids and Donghae can’t help laugh at Hangeng with his thick, heavy boots and leather jacket trying to make a teddy bear dance. Sungmin crawls over to Donghae and pulls at his cheeks until they’re pink and smushes icecream into Donghae’s hair whilst Hyukjae laughed, making no move to help. Hangeng takes pity on Donghae and takes Sungmin into his lap and ends up with only a swipe of baby food across his cheek and lots of giggling in his ear.
“It’s not fair, how come Hangeng hyung doesn’t get abused!” Donghae complains, trying to clean away the melting icecream with a tissue.
Hyukjae makes a noise between a snort and an exclaimation, “he’s a baby Donghae, he can’t abuse you!” Hangeng laughs beside Donghae, his fringe falling into his eyes as he leans towards Donghae to stick another tissue to his sticky forehead.
“Babies just like me,” Hangeng says with a proud smile, which quickly turns teasing. “You did.”
“Hyung! I wasn’t a baby!” Donghae protests fiercely, glaring at the other two.
“I bet you were still in nappies!” Hyukjae chimes in, always one to jump on any teasing not directed at himself.
Donghae throws a pillow at Hyukjae. “I was five!”
Hyukjae shifts not so subtly behind Hangeng, before leaning over the oldest shoulder with a smirk. “Yeah and I bet you still needed nappies then!”
Donghae proceeds to chase Hyukjae around the room, much to Hangeng’s amusement and Sungmin’s excitement. They keep at it for so long that Hyukjae collapses on the floor and surrenders and Donghae collapses on the couch, too exhausted to even give the rascal his punishment.
Hangeng pulls him closer, brushing back Donghae’s hair and rubbing softly at his hip where Donghae had bumped it against the table corner before. “You alright? Is my baby tired?” Hangeng’s tone is gently teasing, but Donghae is too content to even argue back. They lie there on the couch together and even as Donghae’s breathing levels out, his heart pounds away in his chest as if he’s still running.
-
Donghae’s by himself today, doing rounds around town, which went much smoother than usual, meaning he was back long before anyone expected him. Siwon and Hangeng are out negotiating a deal with Kim Kibum’s people as well as checking up on Yoochun and Jaejoong across town. Kyuhyun and Ryeowook are with Hyukjae, since Ryeowook wanted to see the baby after Donghae had talked about him for hours after his visit.
He pulls up still thinking of babies and smiling to himself at the thought of Hangeng with a baby in each arm and a little toddler clinging to his leg, demanding to be fed. The lights are off in the building as they should be and he sighs loudly, wondering when the others will be done. Donghae’s not even sure where Jongwoon and Jungsu went, they were very secretive about when he had asked before, so he decides it’s something possibly illegal or at least bordering on it. Even after all these years, they still tend to keep him out of such things. The irony was that Kyuhyun handled most of the stuff that went on, everyone seeming to be unbothered that their youngest was dealing with stuff deemed too dark for Donghae and Ryeowook. Donghae rolls his eyes at the very thought.
He unlocks the door and lets himself in, preparing to sit in front of the television and pig out on nachos or something until one of the others come home. It wasn’t until he made it half way through the large room that Donghae hears noises from upstairs and tenses. He wasn’t alone.
Slowly and making sure to stay as silent as possible, he makes his way to the bottom of the stairs. Drawing his gun, he stays low and makes his way up carefully, until he can peek over the edge and see who is up here when they shouldn’t be. Whoever it was, Donghae decides when he’s halfway up, was making way too much noise to be professional. Maybe one of the others was back early; no intruder would possibly be making such a rackus. Plus, those noises sound strangely like…
He sees the figures in the darkness and even in the dim light, Donghae immediately knows who they are, even if his brain doesn’t quite register what he is seeing. It’s Jongwoon and he’s on the couch, his pants pulled down to his thighs and he’s bent over Jungsu, who is completely naked. Donghae almost cries out, but quickly slaps his hand over his mouth and bites down on his tongue. He closes his eyes, counts to ten and opens them again, but they are still there, still the same, Jongwoon thrusting deep into Jungsu, whose legs are wrapped tight around their leader’s waist, bringing him even closer.
They were having sex. Two men having sex with each other. Donghae feels faint, like someone took everything he knows and shook it around so nothing fits quite right anymore.
-
Jungsu is limping later and no one says anything, but Donghae can’t stop staring, because he’s seen this before, countless times before and had always thought it to be from a fight. Then he remembers that Hangeng would sometimes limp like this and the possibility is enough for Donghae to almost empty out his stomach right there in the middle of dinner.
It must be from a fight, it must be. That’s normal in their line of work, only Donghae’s not even sure what’s normal anymore.
Jongwoon’s always taken special care of Jungsu, but Donghae had always assumed it was because Jungsu was the oldest and didn’t have the best health. But now…maybe it’s not just because they are best friends, maybe it’s because they are lovers. And if Jongwoon and Jungsu were more than friends, then maybe Hangeng and Siwon-
His stomach lurches violently and Donghae drops his spoon.
-
“Did anything happen on your rounds?” The familiar voice interrupts Donghae’s brooding thoughts as he sits on the floor staring out at the sky.
He stiffens, but forces himself to relax and shake his head. “Of course not, hyung, I’m fine.”
Hangeng sits down on the floor beside Donghae, facing towards the window, but Donghae knows that Hangeng is staring at him.
He stares forwards determinedly, because once their eyes lock, Donghae’s scared he’ll blurt out everything, or worse, do something that’ll make Hangeng hate him.
“Hae…Donghai…”
After a few moments, Hangeng gives up whatever it was he was trying to say, closes his mouth and the words float off into the world, unfinished. Donghae leans his head against Hangeng’s shoulder and Hangeng, in turn, leans his head on top of Donghae’s.
They are still leaning against each other, eyes closed and breathing even when Ryeowook finds them the next morning.
-
He’s back in the room again, only this time it’s not warm, it’s cool and Donghae’s only in a singlet whilst Hangeng is shirtless. This time when he curls up against Hangeng, the hands that go around his waist don’t stop, they slide under the flimsy material of his shorts and long fingers curl around-
Donghae wakes up with a raging hard on and the feeling of Hangeng’s hand on his skin. Flushed and distracted, Donghae runs to the kitchen and stands there with the fridge door open and he’s not moving even as goosebumps dance all over his skin.
The dream was nothing new, the one where it’s just Hangeng and him, alone and enjoying each other’s presence, lost in their own little world. Only now, there’s too much touching, too much sensations and emotions that Donghae can’t handle or even really understand.
For as long as he’s been old enough to think about such things, Donghae has always thought he was meant to meet a girl who he’d love and care about and eventually have a family with, like Hyukjae did with Sooyoung. His hyungs were his life and he loved them, as they loved him, but they were family; brothers.
But now, with Jongwoon and Jungsu…
The realization comes to him as he’s staring at the carton of milk on the second self and it sends chills down his spine and hot flushes through his body at the same time. Men can love other men; can be with other men…so why can’t he be with Hangeng? He can love the other as more than a brother, as a lover, a mate. They can be together the others were, Hangeng pressing him into the couch, hips thrusting and skin sliding against skin-
Donghae gasps as he shakes his head to banish the impure thoughts, leaning heavily against the kitchen counter for support. The images refuse to leave though, snaking into his mind more and more vividly, until Donghae locks himself in the bathroom, and in the safety of darkness, slides a hand around himself and jerks off to the image of soft eyes and beautiful collarbones.
-
The next time he gets a few hours alone, Donghae gets a chair and reaches towards the top of the bookshelf and pulls down an old blue box with patterns of stars on it. He curls up on the couch and goes through the contents of the box slowly, a little teddy bear Hangeng gave him when he still cried for his parents, a small paper crane the other had folded for him out of a chewing gum wrapper, a Swiss army knife from their first lessons in self-defense. A broken watch, a little toy car, a few gold coins, some rusty keys. Everything, big or small had a story and Donghae remembers each one; holds it all in his heart like the most precious treasure. These things told their story, the special story of the two of them.
(of how donghae fell in love)
-
It’s a quiet kind of night, perfect for sitting down with a good book or to be curled up with a lover. Donghae spends the night out in the cold, getting his knuckles bloody and jaw bruised.
He tries not to pay attention to Hangeng, ducks a punch and drops down, sweeps his leg and cuts someone down, winces as he sees Hangeng cop a nasty right hook on the jaw. Someone lunges at his shoulder, Donghae twists out of the way, heart leaping into his throat as Hangeng groans and drops to the ground just to his right. A sharp pain blossoms in his shoulder as a result of his distraction.
Siwon kicks Donghae’s attacker in the face and bends to help Hangeng up and Donghae finds himself ducking down a side street, turning into an alleyway, swinging himself up and kicking two of the thugs in the face. He hurries down the street, rounds the corner and his heart drops when the others are nowhere to be seen, some bodies littering the ground, but thankfully none of their own.
A hand slaps over his mouth and Donghae kicks out immediately, the body behind him moving easily out of the way and twirls him around, Donghae slumping as he sees Hangeng.
He lets Hangeng take his hand and follows without a word.
-
They were both dirty and bloody when they made it to the hotel room, hair plastered to their faces and sticking to their necks. There’s blood from a gash on Hangeng’s cheekbones and a cut on his shoulder and he winced slightly as he moved over to the telephone and dialed Jungsu, telling the frantic man that they were okay and will head back tomorrow morning. Donghae was nursing his ankle, fumbling in his jacket for ointment and a glance at the large mirror on the wall, showed a nasty bruise already spreading across his jaw.
Hangeng was bent over the small table, as if catching his breath and Donghae takes the opportunity to trail his eyes down the lean muscles of his hyung’s shoulders and back, the curve of ass and those long legs; the soaked white wifebeater and black pants molding to wet skin and doing absolutely nothing to hide the older man’s figure.
He’s still staring when Hangeng turns around and pulls off his wifebeater, grabbing some towels from the bathroom and chucking one at Donghae. He pulls out his belt and peels off his pants, kicking them to the bathroom floor and towels himself clean in front of Donghae, who sits there frozen and unable to move.
Clearly his lack of movement catches Hangeng’s attention who frowns and moves closer, wrapping the towel dangerously low around his hips and cupping Donghae’s face. “Hae? Are you alright?” and when Donghae doesn’t answer, he bites his lips. “Do you want me to help you?”
Donghae’s mind is screaming at him to do something, because he doesn’t know what he’s going to do if Hangeng touches him anymore, but his tongue stubbornly refuses to work. The older man takes his silence for agreement and quickly peels back the shirt and pulls of the wifebeater Donghae wore and rubs him with the towel until his skin is clean and warm again. He stares worriedly at Donghae who remains wide eyed and frozen, pushing him back on his back. “You didn’t get a concussion did you?”
Donghae tries to think of something to say, but right at that moment Hangeng dips his fingers into the waistband of his boxers and pants and pulls them off. Donghae makes a choking sound in the back of his throat which turns into a loud gasp when Hangeng rubs his thighs with the towel, being careful around the bruise spreading across the bone. The sound makes Hangeng’s head shoot up and in the next second, Donghae’s staring up at a pair of concerned eyes. “What’s wrong? Hae, are you hurt? Don’t you dare keep an injury from me!” Hangeng runs his hands over Donghae’s bare shoulders, his arms, his leg and his ribs feeling for broken bones or dislocation. Then Hangeng flips him over to examine his back and Donghae snaps.
He turns back around and grabs the older man’s face in his hands and smashes their lips together. His jaw protests, but Donghae doesn’t care, wraps his arms around Hangeng’s neck and deepens the kiss desperately, hoping to anything and everything out there that the other will kiss him back.
Hangeng does, hesitantly at first, hands coming to rest on Donghae’s shoulders as if to push him away, but Donghae doesn’t give Hangeng any chance of rejecting him, firmly keeps their lips locked and soon he feels the soft mouth part beneath his and a tongue slipping out to meet his. They kiss each other until Donghae can’t remember how to breathe, Hangeng’s scent overwhelming him and he slips a hand between them to wrap around the older man’s member, to tell the other that he wants this, needs this. Hangeng gasps into his mouth and Donghae heart flutters as Hangeng’s hands wrap around his waist.
Things are too intense to stop now, not that Donghae would ever want it to stop, this thing he’s been dreaming about. Hangeng’s pressing him to the bed now, leaning over him and a thrill shoots all the way up his spine when their erections touch accidentally. Hangeng reaches out blindly, hand fumbling on the bed for the ointment Donghae had used before and squirts a generous amount onto his hands. Donghae watches the other coat his member and use the rest between Donghae’s legs, thoughts flashing a thousand miles an hour and he opens his mouth tell Hangeng how he feels, but shuts it at the last moment, not wanting to scare the other away. He thinks his heart might stop it’s pounding so hard, but he just clings closer; stopping is beyond him right now. Even if this was just a one-night thing, Donghae would at least have the knowledge that he’d shared this intimacy with Hangeng.
Hangeng looks like he wants to say something as well, maybe to tell Donghae that he doesn’t want this and Donghae panics, hands grabbing at the older man and spreading his legs. “Please hyung, please, I need this. Even if it’s just for tonight, could you please-”
He’s cut off by Hangeng kissing him, hard this time, almost angrily and Donghae thinks that maybe he shouldn’t have said anything, because he sees the pain flash through Hangeng’s eyes, just before they squeezed shut. A hand slides along his ass and a finger pushes inside his ring of muscles, making Donghae gasp loudly, fingers tightening in Hangeng’s hair. A second finger enters as soon as Donghae begins wriggling his hips and it hurts, but he grits his teeth until the heated pleasure starts to creep in again. The next one makes him throw his head back and cry out, body jerking and it takes a few minutes to make him relax. Hangeng takes his time preparing him and Donghae is writhling with need for more, hips bucking into Hangeng’s hand instinctively.
Then Hangeng grips Donghae’s hips and mouthes at the hollow of his throat as distraction, hard length pushing in slowly. It’s still enough to make Donghae scream, eyes wide and hands clenching in the sheets. He struggles to adjust to the fullness filling him and tries to distract himself by looking at Hangeng. It’s a mistake, because Hangeng is watching him and those beautiful eyes that Donghae loves is filled with pain and guilt, glossed over but not entirely with lust. Hangeng is moving his hips, thrusting into Donghae perfectly, hands hot on his skin and lips sinfully red, but Donghae feels his stomach drop out because the other man was hurting even as the sounds he made suggested otherwise. But then Hangeng hits something inside him and Donghae’s brain stops, mouth falling open, desperate moans escaping with each thrust.
It wasn’t that Donghae hasn’t had sex before, the guys took care of that on his eighteenth birthday with a trip to the strip club, a few drinks and a busty redhead who promised to take real good care of him and did exactly that for the rest of the night.
But having slightly drunken sex with a prostitute was nothing like sleeping with the man he’s loved for almost all his life.
And it was true, Donghae realizes in that moment, a whimper escaping him as Hangeng lifted his hips and thrusted in even deeper. He loved Hangeng. Completely, without doubt; has been for possibly the last fifteen years.
Hangeng tenses and buries his face in Donghae’s neck, releasing deep within Donghae and in that moment, there was only pure ecstasy on Hangeng’s face. It’s enough for Donghae to unravel, body shaking and tears flooding his eyes as he comes, Hangeng’s name on his tongue.
“Hyung…I-I…” Donghae begins, his heart pounding too fast to be healthy. They tell each other everything, it shouldn’t be this hard to confess.
“Go to sleep Donghae-ah, it’s late, I know what you want to say, you don’t have to say it.” Hangeng’s voice was low and tight, as if even talking hurt him. Donghae closes his eyes, heart aching in his chest and he turns his back on the other so Hangeng can’t see him cry. It’s too late though and Hangeng’s eyes darken at the sight of Donghae’s tears, hands clenching and the guilt flooding off him in waves that Donghae could drown in.
He doesn’t sleep that night, even if he pretends to, so when Hangeng reaches over and brushes back his fringe, muttering a teary apology against his neck, Donghae hears and it makes his heart clench for making his hyung do something he so clearly regrets.
-
The next morning, they both act like nothing happened, but there’s a strain between them, raw enough to make Donghae almost wish they had another fight tonight.
He reaches out to touch Hangeng’s arm, but he can see the tension in the other man’s shoulders and his hand drops away. “Hyung.”
Hangeng stops, but doesn’t turn around, his voice soft and eyes sad, infinitely sad and Donghae doesn’t even need to see them to know.
“Hyung, I…can we take the bus?” Donghae starts and stumbles, falling over his words, like a child at an orphanage waiting for someone to pick him, please pick me, and when they don’t that feeling of not being wanted-
They do take the bus, one with worn blue seats and a huge picture of some girl band Siwon likes painted on the side. They sit in the back row, Donghae next to the window and they don’t talk, Hangeng watching a beer can rolling up and down the aisle and Donghae looking at the passing scenery without seeing.
It’s not fair, Donghae thinks, barely holding back the tears. That one night of intimacy, of giving into his desires, has in fact wedged them further apart.
-
Donghae’s sick, head throbbing and throat parched; an ache that’s fleets somewhere between his jaw and his chest. With a shiver, he buries his face in his pillow and the world spins around him anyway.
It’s been more than a week and Donghae has barely seen Hangeng, let alone talk to him. He’s busy, Kyuhyun says, scratching his neck and it’s a lie, because no matter how mature Kyuhyun appeared to be, he was still a kid. A kid that hasn’t been forced to learn to lie in order to survive and Donghae can read him as easy as an open book.
It hurts to know that what he had done has upset Hangeng, has hurt Hangeng in some way and worst of all, that Hangeng loves him dearly as a dongsaeng and Donghae had abused that love. The way Donghae had pushed it that night, to reject him would have broken his heart and Hangeng never does anything that hurts Donghae’s feelings, not even if it’s his own that has to be sacrificed.
“Hyung, are you okay?”
It’s Ryeowook, bearing soup and Donghae drops the themometer in his hands. He mumbles something about being fine, being tired, being bored, something perfectly reasonable that would make the younger man leave.
He doesn’t, instead staring at him in concern and Donghae leans away, hand gripping the edge of the bed, images of tears and apologies and pained eyes flashing before him. With a snarl, he shoves Ryeowook away. “Fuck off.”
The soup spills all over the blankets and the floor.
There’s a small cry of shock and hurt from the younger, but Donghae doesn’t back down or soften. He’s already lost everything, what does it matter now?
Ryeowook scrambles out of the room and Donghae balls his hands into fists, leans over and dry heaves violently.
-
“I really shouldn’t have, Chunnie.” It’s Hangeng’s voice, even if it’s a little slurred and Donghae feels cold knowing that Hangeng’s talking about what happened between them.
Jungsu had sent him to pick Hangeng up from Yoochun’s place, where the older man had crashed last night, but this is enough to send Donghae jerking backwards, hands flying off the door knob, it burns, but not as much his stomach, which doesn’t even really make sense in the first place, because it should be his heart-
The door swings open fully and Donghae opens his mouth and closes it again, because what really is there to say when Jaejoong is staring at him and he’s standing there like the lost little kid he tries so hard not to be.
Jaejoong steps out, but he doesn’t close the door, leaves it open even if he doesn’t ask Donghae to come in. Jaejoong gives him a small smile, big for Jaejoong, and it reads, get in there, so Donghae does, because Jaejoong’s intimidating even when he’s smiling.
Steps past the shoes clustered on the floor (he sees Hangeng’s boots and bends down to straighten them without thinking), edges past the highly inconvenient drawer squashed against the wall and Donghae’s got one hand on the doorframe of the room, when there’s a choked cry and everything drains out of him and onto the pale lilac carpet.
Hangeng was crying. Because of what they did, Donghae thinks horrified; because he regrets it so much.
He’s thrown back in time and he kinda wishes he wasn’t. There’s blood on his shirt and over his hands and police sirens howling in the distance, Donghae’s tugging at Hangeng and Siwon’s pulling at them both, hurry up, come on we can deal with this later, damn it guys, move. There’s a certain ugliness about colourful flowers at a funeral, especial purple ones, but Junsu had liked them so very much, grown his own in fact and Donghae shivers at the thought of burying Junsu with his own flowers. There’s crying, Jungsu sobbing hopelessly and Siwon making these awful raspy noises, but it’s Hangeng Donghae can’t look away from, standing at the back, eyes hollow and wide with pain, the tears spilling down his cheeks silently and Donghae tears his eyes away because it’s just so awful.
Donghae tries to move back, but he steps forward instead his brain is so fried and seeing is worse than hearing, not least of all because Hangeng is lying in Yoochun’s lap, palm curled around one knee and Yoochun was stroking Hangeng’s hair, face scrunched up as if he wanted to cry or maybe lean down and kiss those tears away.
It’s at times like this, the disjointed quiet moments, of tragedy or shock or bubbly joy or even that moment caught between dreams and wakefulness, that Donghae knows he’s in too deep. He has a life, a job even if it wasn’t the normal kind, friends, enemies and a duty and Donghae forces his mind to shut down, because fuck, not everything is about Hangeng damn it.
(even if it seems like it)
-
The crash and the subsequent slam of the door has Hangeng tensing in Yoochun’s lap. Hangeng’s halfway out the door, feet bare and hair in his eyes, before his shoulders slump.
“You should go after him,” Yoochun chides gently, even as he opens his arms and pulls Hangeng closer.
There’s a moment of tense silence and when Hangeng looks up again, there’s such guilt in those eyes that Yoochun instinctively tightens his hold.
“I don’t deserve him, Yoochun-ah.” Hangeng chokes out, voice harsh. Angrily, he wipes his tears away. “I love him so much, tried to protect him from so much, but it's me who ended up hurting him. Now, Donghae won’t even talk to me, he probably hates me- he should hate me. I abused his trust in me and-”
Yoochun grabs Hangeng’s head and tucks it against his neck. “No one can hate you, Geng. Not even Kim Kibum.”
Hangeng can’t help laugh at that, letting out a little hiccup and poking Yoochun in the thigh, before sobering, “Chunnie, what am I going to do?”
-
Donghae has another dream, more explicit than ever now that he’s actually experienced the real thing, large hands between his legs, long fingers crooked in just the right way, a hot mouth against the dip of his throat. It’s just pity sex, the Hangeng is his dream hisses, I felt sorry for you, because you were so pathetic. Donghae cries out, gasping as his hips bucking desperately, slow, ever so slow and it burns all the way up Donghae’s spine, hot enough for him to still feel it when he wakes up panting.
It’s all sorts of pathetic to be still getting aroused so easily and he’s in the kitchen again, only this time Donghae is adamant on not jerking off. He stands at the counter, knuckles going white as he grips the edge, breathing harsh and body trembling as he fights the heat and the images and the hurt.
“Donghae,” the voice comes from directly behind him, echoing hollowly in the empty kitchen and Donghae tenses knowing it’s Hangeng, not turning around in fear he betrays his flushed state.
“Hae? Are you okay?” Hangeng says, concernedly, hands wrapping around Donghae’s upper arms and Donghae turns almost reflexively, reaching out without thinking, fingers brushing against bare skin and holding on tightly even as the contact sends tingles up his arms.
“Hyung, I- hyung, I can’t do this anymore,” Donghae chokes out, fingers clenching in the loose shirt Hangeng is wearing.
He shouldn’t be this weak, Jongwoon had taught them from the very start to never show weakness, not even with those you think you trust, you never know when they’ll stab you in the back. And those betrayals hurt right in your fucking chest. Donghae still remembers Jongwoon’s expression clearly, but he’s clinging helplessly, like a ragdoll and having Hangeng so close after what seems so horribly long, has his knees buckling.
“I’m sorry,” Hangeng whispers and Donghae isn’t sure what he’s apologizing for, but it’s enough, more than enough for Donghae who had been ready to fling himself at Hangeng’s feet and beg to be forgiven, or at least not be ignored anymore, please hyung I’ll do anything, I can’t live without you. I love you, he thinks but doesn’t say.
Hangeng’s got him pressed against the kitchen counter, both arms around Donghae’s waist, but it’s not sexual, just two people holding each other because they care, they were stupid, they love each other even if they didn't say and god, let’s never do that again.
-
Tonight, Donghae promises himself as he tries to get Ryeowook to help him make something that wasn’t jajangmyeon. He’ll tell Hangeng tonight, fears be damned, because who really knew when something might happen and he’s kept it inside for so long that it’s bursting through beyond his control.
He’s pouring something that should be alchohol, but could very well be vinegar into the pan, when the door slams open downstairs and even above the sizzle of the pan, Donghae can hear the groans of pain. Jongwoon stalks past him, bleeding at the lip, expression thunderous. Jungsu fleets between Jongwoon and Hangeng who had blood dripping from a gash across his cheekbone. Siwon was nursing a small, but deep cut on his brow and it’s Siwon who tells them about the new gang in town. Kibum is dead, Siwon says with a carefully neutral tone, they wiped out his whole gang. Siwon isn’t sad, but his tone isn’t happy either and Donghae understands, because at least Kim Kibum could be reasoned with.
Attack is the best defence, Jongwoon growls dabbing at his lip. We’re going out tonight, get ready guys. Everyone nods and Hangeng grabs a towel next to Donghae to wipe off the blood, only for it to spill forth anew, sickeningly vivid against the pale skin.
The spatula drops from his hand and gets sauce all over the kitchen counter.
-
It’s barely twenty-four hours since their moment in the kitchen and it feels a lifetime away as Donghae wraps his hands in tape, tight and round twice and pulled tight again.
He leaves the dinner for Ryeowook and Kyuhyun, knowing they’ll likely do nothing but stand by the phone and wait anxiously. Maybe some things just weren’t meant to be.
It starts raining as they walk towards the meeting point, the loud, heavy kind that hurts if you get it in your eye; cold enough to burn the skin like fire. Liquid fire, only fire can’t be liquid and Donghae stops dead, because suddenly they are here, and there’s at least a dozen men in front of them and all he can think is oh fuck, before someone punches Jongwoon in the face and Donghae’s thinking, double fuck.
There’s a cry, a growl from either Hangeng or Siwon and then they’re thrown together, hands curled into fists and striking, once on the jaw, another on the nose, hitting whatever surface they can manage and trying not to get hit too much in return.
The rain’s still pouring fast and hard and it’s kind of poetic, Donghae thinks detachedly, mind hanging in the moment, adrift, even as his body swings and ducks and gets thrown around faster than he can probably take.
He’s used to this, he can do this, fighting is second-nature to him and Donghae had his first bloody lip when he was seven and his arm in a cast by his ninth birthday. He can do this.
Jungsu goes down with a scream and a snap of bone that makes Donghae’s stomach turn, all edge and agony. Jongwoon’s neck snaps around so fast Donghae’s scared that it might break as well, and he throws a man over his shoulder, kicks another in the stomach, jerking to the right as Jongwoon sends the man responsible flying past. He lands with a sickening crunch and Donghae looks away, hands reaching up to block a punch aimed at his temple, growling as someone tackles him from behind.
Siwon’s a few meters away, taking on four people at the same time and Hangeng was doing the same thing, long legs kicking with deadly precision and skill. Jungsu’s up again, cradling his wrist and relying on his legs, staying close to Jongwoon who was fighting twice as hard, eyes blazing with anger.
Donghae’s head snaps to the side, a fist flying out of nowhere and hitting him so hard, he hits the ground, head spinning and eyes flashing white. Hands yank at him and he cops a kick in the stomach and time slows as he stares up as the man sneers down at him, raising a thick, metal plated boot up. The boot descends, ready to crush his skull and Donghae struggles as hard as he can, unable to get free with the two men holding him down.
This is when his life should flash past, Donghae thinks, that film reel of the life of Lee Donghae in glorious fastforward. It doesn’t work though and Donghae skips the first seven years altogether and he lands on his eighth birthday, shooting for toys in an arcade with Hangeng and declaring that he was going to marry the older man, have three kids and buy a house and it’s okay because he’s eight.
It skips too many years in between and settles on a moment just days before, in the kitchen with Ryeowook and Kyuhyun, Donghae watching them bake and watching the adoration in Kyuhyun’s eyes, simple and open and Donghae wishes he could be like that with Hangeng.
There’s not enough time for his movie and Donghae closes his eyes and braces for the pain, sorry that he never got to confess, disappointed that he had to go like this, alone, in the hands of strangers instead of the one person he had spent his whole life with.
He’s dropped to the ground and Donghae rolls and stands quickly, heart leaping in his chest as he sees his would-be killer drop to the ground and Hangeng staring at him, eyes blazing. They reach for each other clumsily and then they’re back to back, arms linking and Donghae suddenly feels alive again.
Someone kicks Hangeng in the ribs and Donghae throws himself forward, slamming the man into the ground with a kick and punches him hard enough to almost break his hand.
There’s a snap as Siwon twists a man’s head sharply and then there was silence, save for the rain and heavy breathing.
It was over.
-
Siwon and Jongwoon are helping Jungsu, who injured his leg as well, the two men practically carrying the eldest along, despite his protests.
Donghae and Hangeng follow behind, walking a little slower due to their injuries, but it isn’t until Hangeng doubles over and coughs out a little blood that Donghae’s frayed nerves finally snap.
He’s making a noise that sounds like he’s being strangled and cut open at the same time, teeth biting through his lip, shaking hard enough to rattle his teeth and he clutches tight enough at Hangeng to leave bruises for weeks. Water’s running into his eyes, but he keeps them wide open, tittering on the edge of something that he tries to convey, but only spills from his tongue in a jumbled mess of sounds.
Face, neck, shoulders, hair, eyes, collarbone, Donghae’s touching anything he can reach, running his hands up and down wet skin and soaked hair, fingers loose and uncontrolled and he doesn’t stop until Hangeng grabs his neck and pulls him close enough to breathe each other in and oh, oh, they are breathing each other in. Hangeng’s breathing at least, Donghae’s not sure anymore. There’s a mouth moving against his and it’s so soft that Donghae parts his own to take in more, soft and warm, hot against cold skin (a cold heart), gentle in a way that speak of love and passionate in a way that makes Donghae’s leg buckle, because it tastes like love, real love, as in I’m in love with you and not just I care about you. It’s unthinkable and Donghae gasps shakily, sight blurring as Hangeng’s fingers thread through his hair and the hand curled around his hip tightens possessively.
Hangeng pulls away, eyes dark and breathing uneven, his hand still against Donghae’s nape. “I took advantage of you that night. I was selfish, because I knew I’d probably never get such a chance again. I’m sorry, I just wanted it so bad.” He brushes his fingers across Donghae’s cheek, “and I’m sorry for this.”
“F-for what?” Donghae’s not even sure how he’s still capable of speaking, the way Hangeng is looking at him.
“For being selfish again.” With that, Hangeng bends down to kiss Donghae’s cheek, before moving onto the corner of his mouth, “and again.” Moving so close, their breath mingled, Hangeng captures Donghae’s lips again, sending sparks flying down his spine and Donghae wraps both arms around Hangeng’s neck and kisses back hard, tongue pushing against the Hangeng’s, fighting and moving until his bruised jaw started to ache.
Hangeng looks properly kissed, lips red and swollen, eyes dark. He lets out a breathless little laugh, but his words are serious. “I plan to be selfish for a very long time, Hae-yah, so I’m sorry.”
Donghae quakes inside at the words, stunned at his own stupidity and misunderstanding, eyes sparkling and disbelieving as he gazes at the other man. “I thought you hated it…that you didn’t want me. That you regretted being with me that night? That my love was-”
Hangeng'a eyes widen at the words and it takes a moment for the realization to settle in; of how they loved each other, of how stupid they both are. Hangeng pulls him into tight hug, breath hot against his neck, but not as hot as the stir in his heart. “You mean the world to me Hae, I could never regret anything if it’s with you.”
The tears spill forth freely enough, but stop just as quickly when Hangeng presses Donghae against the alley wall and trails his mouth down Donghae’s neck, sucking at the dip in the soft throat and Donghae’s too busy moaning and bucking his hips to do anything else.
It wasn’t someday and they weren’t somewhere quiet and safe and away from the hurt, Donghae thinks of his dream as his eyelashes flutter shut and his breathing picks up. But they had each other, just Hangeng and Donghae and there’s nothing else he’d rather have.
//
omg guys what is this skjafsklfsf.